Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 3, Episode 11 - A House Is Not a Pool Room - full transcript

Lamont suffers buyer's remorse after the pool table he gave Fred for his birthday brings the boys over for billiards every day while Fred's work and girlfriend Donna go neglected.

[♪♪♪]

Say, I'm sorry about
the movie, Donna,

but I thought "PG"
meant "pretty good."

No, "PG" means

they suggest parental guidance.

Well, what am I supposed to do?

I'm an orphan.

It did have a lot of
sex and violence in it.

Yeah. You know, in the old days,

they didn't mix it up like that.

See, if you wanted violence,



you went to see James Cagney

or Humphrey Bogart,

and if you wanted
sex, you went home.

You know, Fred, I
miss the old movies.

Yeah. Me too.

You know, like Mickey Rooney

in Love Finds Andy Hardy.

If they made that
same movie today,

they'd have to call it
"Love Finds Andy Naked."

Is it getting late?

No.

As a matter of fact,

I was wondering if I had time

to come in for a minute.



Y... You mean come in the house?

May I?

Yeah, sure.

Uh, darling,

that movie didn't give
you no ideas, did it?

Fred... No, eh?
Come on in, honey.

This is wonderful.

Hey, you know... Hey, look.

All the lights are out.

I guess Lamont
went to bed early.

We'll have the front
room all to ourselves.

And, Donna, you don't think
I'm a dirty old man, do you?

No, Fred.

I don't think of
you as old at all.

Come on.

Surprise!

Happy birthday, Pop!

Yeah, happy birthday, Fred!

Hey, we surprised
you, didn't we?

You almost
surprised me to death.

This is just wonderful,

all my friends and loved ones

remembering my birthday.

That's just great.

Yeah.

Hey, you was in
on this, wasn't you?

Of course I was.

You son of a gun, you.

I should have known

that you had set me up for this.

That's why you wanted
to come in the house.

Happy birthday, Fred.

Hey, that's just...
That's wonderful.

I mean, you know,

all your friends here, and
what... that's just great.

Hey, wait till you see
your present, Pop.

Oh, you didn't have to
give me no present, son.

Just having all my
friends here together,

that's present enough for me.

Uh, what'd you get me?

Well, take a look.

It's a... It's...
it's a pool table.

Hey, of course
it's a pool table,

and it's all yours.

Son, this is great.

This is the best present
you could've given me.

I mean, I've slept on them,
and I've played on them,

but I never owned one.

Here you go, Pop.

Your own personal cue stick.

Hey, you remembered everything.

If you're going do it something,

you might as well do it right.

Hey, why don't you
shoot a game, Pop?

Yeah, son. I sure will.

Thanks. That's
what I'm going to do.

Hey, fellas,

get ready for some
real pool-shooting, now.

Since it's your table, Fred,

we'll let you break them.

Because it might
be the last time

you touch the ball tonight.

Listen, Grady,

I'll whip you like
I was your daddy.

Okay, you all heard him.

Yeah, sure did.

All right, I got him first.

Get on down here
and break the balls.

Donna, excuse
me a minute, honey,

I won't be but a minute,

and you can watch if you want.

It won't take me long.

I just want to show the
fellas a few trick shots

that I learned from...
Minnesota Fats.

Hurry up and break, Fred.

You can't talk the
balls into the pockets.

$5.00 is the bet.

Bet!

Oh, Lamont,

it's the perfect
present for him.

Yeah, I think so.

Now I won't have
to worry about Pop

when I go out at night.

You're a good son, Lamont.

Yeah, I think so.

Hey, I see you're
still at it, Pop?

Yeah, son, watch this shot.

Hey, you're getting good.

Yeah, I've been
practicing all day.

Son, I don't know
how to thank you

for this pool table.

You're a good son, Lamont.

Yeah, I think so.

I'm glad you're
enjoying the table,

but I hope you're not
going to let it keep you

from doing your
work around here.

No, no, no. I've been
coordinating all day.

And I also hope that you
fixed something to eat, man,

because I'm starving.

I've been cooking all day.

Food's in the oven,

and while you're in there,

get you a beer out
of the refrigerator.

How'd I miss that shot?

That's my main shot.

Say, what's this?

Well, it's called
executive privilege,

but if you saw me move the ball,

it's called cheating.

Pop, I'm not talking about pool.

I'm talking about

this creature from
the Black Lagoon.

Hey, that's one of
them frozen dinners.

It's burnt.

Now, I know why it's burnt.

It's burnt because you're
too busy out here playing pool

to look after it.

Go ahead, admit it.

I ain't admitting nothing.

Who do you think
you are? Sam Ervin?

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Would you get that, son?

I'm going to see if I
can make this shot.

Hey, let's get it on.

Boy, lookee here.

Hey, how you
doing, uh... Lamont.

Lamar? Oh, yeah.

Okay, move over, buzzard,

and let a man who
knows how to play play.

Well, move me over, chump.

All right, get ready, Freddie,

because I got some trick shots

you ain't seen before.

They used to call
me "Shady Grady."

When Grady gets through
with you, it's my turn.

I could roll you big fat guys

up into one big round ball

and use you for a cue stick

and beat both of you.

Hey, Pop? Can I talk
to you for a minute?

What's the matter?

Wait a minute,
fellas. Wait for me.

Say, look, how
long are these guys

going to be here, anyway?

I guess they'll be
here till they leave.

Hey, all right, now,
you all watch the cue...

Hey, Fred, are you
playing with us or not?

Come on over
here, will you please?

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Hello?

Yeah, just a minute. Leroy?

What?

You're wanted on the telephone.

Well, can't you take a message?

Would you get over here
and answer this phone?

Now, listen, Leroy,

I've got to make a very
important phone call.

Now, would you cut this short?

Just make it quick.

Well, let me
see who it is first.

Hello?

Hey, man, where you been?

Would you excuse me, Lamont?

This is private.

Now, what was you saying, man?

Hey, watch this shot.

Hey, Skillet? Skillet...

will you take your
belly off the table?

Just take your
belly off the table.

You want me to put a
cue ball in your navel?

Hey, Pop, who's in the bathroom?

Shhhh!

Who's in the bathroom?

Bubba's in the bathroom.

I hope he's not
going to be long,

because I've got to shave.

Well, I think you
have to wait a while,

because he took the
magazine with him.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Hey, would you get that, son?

Get that for me, it's my shot.

Oh, hi, Donna. Come on in.

Good evening, Lamont.

Say, did you have a
date with Pop tonight?

Why, yes. Didn't he mention it?

No, and I hope you're
going someplace

where you can take a pool table.

He's really
enjoying it, isn't he?

Yeah, he'd rather
shoot pool than sleep.

Well, at least you know

your money was well spent.

Fred... You big du... Donna!

I didn't know that was you.

I didn't see you come in.

Move out the way, Fred.

No, no. I get that
shot over again.

She made me miss.

That ain't my fault.

You missed. You missed.

Fred, I came over
here to see you.

We had a date.
Don't you remember?

Y... Yeah.

Come here, darling.
Come here a minute.

Excuse me a minute, fellows.

Leroy!

Shhh! I'm talking to Detroit.

Fred... Uh-huh?

You'd better get dressed

if we're going out.

Where are we going tonight?

Going? We're here.

Here? The kitchen?

Fred Sanford, I did
not get all dressed up

to come here to
sit in the kitchen.

Well, I just can't up and
run away from my friends.

That'd be ill-mannered.

Well, what about me?

I ain't going to run
away from you either.

How are you going
to manage both?

Well, that'll be easy.

See, I'll go in there with them,

then I'll come back in here

and visit with you.

Excuse me a minute, Donna.

I'll be back in a minute.

Sit down, honey. Sit down.

Uh, hey, son.

Hey, listen, Lamont,
uh, uh, talk to Donna.

Talk to Donna for
me. Talk to her, son.

Do something.

I'm beginning to
see what you mean.

Yeah, he's turning this house

into a pool room.

I can't even shave
in my own bathroom,

and I got a date coming over.

You going to shave
in the kitchen?

I've got to.

Bubba's upstairs
in the bathroom,

and he's got the Christmas
issue of Ebony magazine.

Oh, he's really become obsessed

with that pool table.

We had a date tonight,

but if it's going to be
like this, I don't know.

Yeah, well, I know.

It's either us or
that pool table.

What do you mean?

That pool table has got to go.

See, Donna?

I didn't forget our date.

Hey, Fred, it's your shot!

I got to go, honey.

Uh, wait a minute.

See, I'll do that to you,
but I won't do that to them.

You know what I mean?

I'll be right back.

Just keep puckered,
and I'll be right there.

Talk to her,
Lamont. Talk to her.

[TELEPHONE RINGING]

Say, don't you hear
the phone ringing?

Yeah, son.

Why don't you get that?

I'm going to see if I
can make this shot.

Hello?

Oh, hi, Donna, just a second.

Hey, Pop, it's Donna.

Tell her I'm indisposed.

He says he's too
busy playing pool

to be bothered with you.

Just tell her I'll call her
back in a minute, dummy.

He said he'll call you
back later, Donna.

Look, don't worry about a thing.

I know how to
put a stop to this.

Okay.

[TELEPHONE RINGS]

Hello?

No, I'm not accepting no charges

from no Cha Cha
Hogan in Detroit.

Leroy don't live here.

Hey, Lamont,
watch this shot here.

Yeah, you're becoming a
regular Central Avenue Fats.

You're a good son, Lamont.

You're a good son.

I think so.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

Would you get the
door, good son?

Oh, hey. Come in.

All right, often said
and seldom done,

who wants to play the devil one?

Anybody who'd want to win.

Okay. All right. Let's take up

where we left off last night.

You didn't get beat bad
enough last night, huh, Grady?

You were just lucky last night.

What do you mean, lucky?

Grady, I could beat
you blindfolded,

one arm tied behind me,
the other one in a cast,

wearing army
shoes, in the hospital

having an emergency
appendectomy.

Hey, look what I
got. Come and get it.

Hey, all that for us?

You bet.

Hey, yeah.

Hey, lookee here.

Keep on talking, Cha Cha.

I can hear you.

Yeah, come on, man.

What are you doing,
giving away my stuff?

Well, it's just a few snacks

for your friends.

A few snacks?

Yeah, a few snacks.

Hey, fellas, when that runs out,

there's more in the kitchen.

Hey, and there's some
booze in the cabinet.

Come here. Come here.

Get in here.

Listen, what's the
matter with you,

giving away all my food?

Pop, if you're going to
have friends over here,

you've got to give them

a little something to eat.

Not them friends.

Them bellies are home grown,

and they should
grow them at home.

Listen, you never saw
them eat, have you?

Every time their elbow
bends, their mouths fly open.

Son, they are dangerous.

Pop, Jesus fed the multitude

with four fish and
a loaf of bread.

Well, he couldn't
feed that bunch

with four whales and
a truckload of bread.

That was a nice snack, Lamont.

You got any toothpicks?

No, we ain't got no toothpicks.

We ain't got nothing.

Well, that's all
right. Never mind.

Lamont, he's going
to eat my broom.

Hey, how was the food, fellas?

It's good.

Hey, Pop, look,

I've got to run down
to the supermarket

and get some more refreshments.

Let me have $5.

$5 for what?

For some more refreshments

for your friends.

You all are coming back
tomorrow, aren't you?

I ain't leaving.

Well, you'd better
make it $10, Pop.

Come on, let me have the money.

You know, somehow,
this ain't working out

the way I thought it would.

Here.

I think it's working out fine.

Hey, Fred, you're out of scotch.

You out of your mind. I
had a whole bottle of scotch.

Huh?

I had a whole bottle of scotch

in that cabinet.

That's what I'm saying.

You had a whole bottle,
but now you're out.

Hey, Grady?

Mm-hmm?

Come here, Grady.
Excuse yourself.

Excuse me...

Oh my, Grady.

Grady, I can talk to you.

See, you're my friend,

and I can talk to you,

because you ain't
one of them eaters,

Grady, don't suck your teeth

while I'm talking to you.

Grady, I got to get rid
of that damn pool table.

But why?

Why? I can't keep filling
them big bellies up every night.

Look at them guys over there.

Look at them.
Just peep out there.

Grady, I'm afraid.

I'm afraid when they
finish eating all that,

they're going to start
putting salt and pepper

on my furniture.

Grady, don't suck
your teeth, please.

Have a straw, Grady.

Here, have a bunch
of them, Grady,

but don't suck your teeth

while I'm talking to you, hear?

Did you bring him?

Yeah, he's right outside.

Shhhh, dummy. You'll
wake the other dummy up.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Listen, we got to be quiet.

Now, come on over here

and let's get the table outside.

Okay, open the door
so we can get it out.

Shhh.

All right.

Ready?

Yeah, let's go.

Wait, fool! Wait, fool!

I thought you said
you was in a hurry.

I am in a hurry,

but I'm not trying to
break the sound barrier.

Now, let's try it
again, and take it easy.

Wait, wait!

What's wrong now?

It ain't going out the
door at this angle.

Move yours counter-clockwise.

Counter-who?

Around to your right, Grady.

Wait!

It ain't going in this way.

Turn it over on its side,

and don't drop it.

All right.

Easy.

Okay.

Now, come on.

All right.

Well, now, it ain't going
that way, either, Fred.

The legs are too long.

Listen, did you all
have this much trouble

getting it in here?

No, it was easy.

We did it like this.

Fred, meet, uh, uh... Otis, man.

Yeah, yeah. Meet Otis.
Otis, meet Fred Sanford.

Hiya, Fred.

Shhh.

What's wrong?

Ain't nothing wrong.

Listen, here's the pool table

Grady was telling you about.

Grady said it was a good table.

It's used, isn't it?

Yeah, it's used.

A table like this in a store
would cost you 200 bucks.

What do you want for it?

200 bucks.

I thought you said that's
what it would cost in a store.

Well, what do you think I'm
running here, a taco stand?

Maybe we better forget it.

Wait a minute.
Give me a hundred.

I'll give you 75.

90.75.

80.75.

Wait a minute, 75?

Why didn't you say
so in the first place?

Give it here.

Hey, thanks a lot, Grady,

for helping me get
rid of the pool table.

You know, I'll
miss that pool table.

I had a lot of good times on it.

Yeah. Say, Fred,

how are you going to give
the money back to, uh...

To your son

without him knowing
that you sold the table?

I ain't going to
give it back to him.

But he paid for the table.

Who did he buy it for?

He bought it for you.

And who's got the money?

You got it.

Case closed.

No, Fred, that don't
sound right to me...

You can go now, Grady.

I can handle it from here.

All right.

Be careful.

All right, take it easy, Fred.

Good night, now.

Shhh!

Oh, yeah. Okay, hold up, Otis!

Shh!

I'll help you load the table!

Shh!

Help! Help! Burglars!
Please, somebody help me!

Pop, what happened?

Oh, son, help me
up. Help me up, son.

What is it, Pop?

What was all that
noise down here?

Some burglars broke in
and stole my pool table.

Burglars?

Yeah, burglars.

Must've been five of them.

Listen, I'll call the police.

No, don't call them.
It won't do no good.

They got too big a head start.

Pop, what were
you doing down here

this time of night
alone, anyway?

Oh, son, I couldn't sleep,

so I came down here
to shoot a little pool,

and then these guys
bust through the door.

And what did you do?

I just fought them, son.
You should've saw me.

You mean to tell me you
fought five guys by yourself?

Yeah, must've been
the tiger in my blood.

I fought them, son.

See, they had me
backed up against the wall.

I was backed up
against the wall,

and I started using
my feet and my hands.

You know, like that
dude on Kung Fu.

Yeah, yeah.

I Kung-ed one and
Fu-ed the other.

I mean, I was fighting,

and then, I moved around,

and I tripped on
something, and I fell,

and that's the only
thing saved them.

Pop, why didn't you
call me sooner, man?

If the two of us had
been down here fighting,

maybe we could've
saved the pool table.

The action was too
heavy for a youngster.

Pop, you could've been killed.

Slaughtered, but I
didn't think about that.

I thought about...

I just felt like an eagle
protecting his nest.

Well, the important thing

is that you're all right, Pop.

I'm fine, son.

Okay, let's go back to bed.

Yeah, let's...
Hey, wait a minute.

What's that?

That's money.

It's not mine. It's not yours.

You know what I think, Pop?

I think during the fight,

one of the burglars dropped this

out of his pocket.

$75.

You know, that's
just what I paid

for the pool table.

You know what that
means, don't you, Pop?

Yeah, somebody going
to be crying about $75.

No, that means
that we broke even.

We really didn't lose anything.

We didn't?

No.

You know, somehow,

I... I feel a definite
sense of loss.

Well, good night, Pop.

[SNIFFING]

Say, what's that?
Is that you I smell?

Yeah, you like it?

Know what it is?

Lysol?

No, it's a new cologne
called "Savage Beast."

Well, who are you going
out with tonight anyway,

a water buffalo?

No, I got a date with Donna.

Come over here
and sit down, son,

because she's going
to be here any minute,

and there's something I
want to talk to you about

before she gets here.

Now, look, I... I... I

I'm out of... I'm out
of a birthday present,

and I think I ought
to get something.

So what you want,
another pool table?

No, not that.

Then what?

Well, cash is always nice.

Cash?

Yeah, you know, like that
cash them burglars, um,

dropped on the floor.

Hey, Pop, that was house money.

I found that money in the house.

It's house money.

Yeah, but I ain't got
no birthday present.

Shouldn't I get something?

Well, since it was your
birthday and your present,

I guess you're
entitled to the money.

Thank you. Thank you, Lamont.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

That's Donna now.

Ain't you got nowhere to go?

Why don't you try to
make yourself scarce?

You ain't got nowhere to... No.

Go somewhere.

Donna!

Hello, Fred.

Come on in, honey.

Hello, Lamont.

Hey, Donna.

You're looking good, darling.

Hey, listen,

how should we start the evening?

You want to begin

by watching a little
Walter Cronkite?

Television?

But I thought we were
going out to dinner

and then to a movie.

Well, you know, those
restaurants is so expensive,

and it costs so much
to go to the movie...

Well, what difference
does it make

with all that money you got?

What money?

Oh, you didn't know?

No.

Pop just recently fell into $75.

Fred.

You just fell into $75?

Well, come on.

Let's go out and celebrate!

Come on.

I hope you fall into
something, dummy.

[♪♪♪]

ANNOUNCER: Sanford
and Son is recorded on tape

before a live studio audience.

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