Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 9 - The Shootout - full transcript

Fred has a petty argument with Herman Goldstein, the junk dealer who lives across the street. Later, while examining a Revolutionary War rifle that Lamont bought at an auction, Fred accidentally fires it right through his window. Upon inspection, Lamont notices that the bullet also went through Goldstein's front window. Unable to get an answer at the neighbor's house, Fred and Lamont spend the whole night worrying themselves into a frenzy that Goldstein might have been killed by the bullet. After fending off a visit from the cops and from an curious antique dealer, Fred decides to turn himself in. Just then Goldstein comes over the apologize for the fight. He reveals that he after the argument he went across town to visit his son and came back to find a bullet hole not only through his window but through his hat, which was hanging on a chair. After he departs, Fred and Lamont breathe a sigh of relief with only one thing to say: "mazel tov!"

[ Phone Ringing ]

OH, YOU MISERABLE...

HELLO? GOOD MORNING, BUBBA.

YEAH, HE'S UP. YEAH, I'M
SURE. I JUST PASSED HIS ROOM.

AND THE SNORING HAS STOPPED AND
THE GROANING HAS STARTED, SO HE'S UP.

BUBBA, I DON'T HAVE TIME TO TALK TO YOU NOW
'CAUSE I'M FIXING MYSELF SOME BREAKFAST.

WHAT? I'M HAVING SOME EGGS.

YEAH, FRIED.

NO POTATOES, BUBBA.

AND COFFEE.

AND TOAST, BUBBA.



WHOLE WHEAT, BUBBA.

I GOTTA HANG UP
NOW, OKAY? GOOD-BYE.

HEY... LISTEN, DON'T SAY
IT. DON'T SAY ONE WORD.

IF YOU DO, THE HEADLINES IN
TOMORROW'S PAPER WILL BE,

"SON GOES BERSERK
AND ATTACKS OLD MAN."

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT THIS DUMB
BREAKFAST THAT I JUST RUINED.

WHY CAN'T YOU COOK BREAKFAST? IT'S
YOUR TOOTH THAT'S BAD, NOT YOUR HANDS.

AND SPEAKING OF THAT TOOTH, WHEN
ARE YOU GONNA DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT?

THIS HAS BEEN GOING ON FOR OVER A
WEEK, AND IT'S NOT GETTING BETTER.

I DON'T WANT NO DENTIST TO BE
FOOLIN' AROUND IN MY MOUTH. WHY NOT?

THEY MAKE ME NERVOUS.

ALL THEM DRILLS AND
CHISELS AND SCREWDRIVERS

THEY BE STICKIN'
DOWN YOUR MOUTH.



THEY DON'T EVEN CARE IF THEY HURT
YOU. THEY JUST YANK YOU AND THANK YOU.

THAT'S THE WAY IT USED TO BE.

NOWADAYS THEY GIVE YOU ONE OF THEM
NEEDLES AND YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT HIT YOU.

NOW I KNOW I AIN'T
GOIN'. WELL, WHY NOT?

ARE YOU KIDDIN'? A NEEDLE? I DON'T
WANNA GET HOOKED ON THAT STUFF.

IT'D CHANGE ME FROM
FRIENDLY FRED TO JUNKIE JOE.

NO. THEY GIVE YOU
A SHOT OF NOVOCAIN.

NOVOCAIN? WHAT FOR?

IT DEADENS YOUR MOUTH.

AND IN YOUR CASE, THAT
SOUNDS LIKE A TERRIFIC IDEA.

AIN'T NOBODY GONNA GIVE ME NO SHOT
TO DEADEN MY MOUTH OR NOTHIN' ELSE.

EVERYTHING STAYS ALIVE.

YOU'RE JUST GONNA WALK AROUND
HERE LOOKING LIKE A BIG, FOOLISH RABBIT.

I'M GONNA START
CALLING YOU BUGS BUNNY.

DON'T WORRY. I'LL CURE IT. WHAT DO YOU
THINK THEY DID BEFORE THEY HAD DENTISTS?

THEY HOLLERED A LOT. AND
FINALLY ALL THEIR TEETH FELL OUT.

AND THEY SPENT THE REST OF THEIR
DAYS SITTING IN A CAVE GUMMING GRITS.

[ Knocking ] WHO IS THAT?

I THINK IT'S BUBBA. HE SUPPOSED
TO BRING ME SOMETHING.

COME ON IN, BUBBA.

GOOD MORNING,
FRED. MORNING, BUBBA.

DID YOU GET IT? RIGHT
HERE, OLD BUDDY.

THE OLD ASAFETIDA BAG.

OOH-WEE, THAT STUFF IS
STRONG. IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE.

THAT'S HOW YOU KNOW
WHEN YOU GOT A GOOD BATCH.

WHAT DO I DO WITH IT, BUBBA?
PUT IT UPSIDE MY CHEEK?

THAT'S ALL. JUST LAY IT
UP BESIDE THE SORE SIDE.

LET ME TAKE A LOOK
AT THAT SORE SIDE.

OOH, THAT'S UGLY.

WHERE YOU LOOKING AT? ON
THE LEFT SIDE, TOWARD THE FRONT.

THAT IS UGLY.

IT'S ON THE RIGHT SIDE,
TOWARD THE BACK. OH.

THAT'S UGLY TOO.

YOU GOT A LOT OF UGLINESS
IN YOUR MOUTH, FRED.

WELL, AT LEAST MINE IS ON
THE INSIDE, BUBBA. YEAH?

I WAS ONLY KIDDIN'. OKAY, FRED.

THANKS A LOT. OKAY, FRED.

HOPE YOUR TOOTH GETS
BETTER. I HOPE SO TOO. SEE YA.

HEY, SON. LAMONT.

YOU WANNA KNOW HOW I'M
GONNA CURE MY TOOTHACHE

WITHOUT GOIN' TO THE
DENTIST? HERE'S HOW.

[ Sniffs ]

GOOD LORD, POP, WHAT IS THAT?

IT'S A TOOTHACHE REMEDY BUBBA
GOT FROM HIS GRANDMOTHER.

THAT STINKING STUFF? WHAT
DO YOU CALL IT? STINKING STUFF.

AND THAT'S GONNA CURE YOUR
TOOTHACHE? WHAT'S INSIDE IT?

IT'S AN "ASAFISIDY" BAG.

A WHAT? IT'S AN "ASAFISIDY" BAG.

SEE, IT WARDS OFF
ALL KIND OF ILLNESSES,

LIKE COLD AND FLU, AND
PNEUMONIA AND TOOTHACHES.

YEAH, WELL, WHAT'S
INSIDE THAT BAG?

IT GOT THE SHELL
FROM A ROTTEN EGG,

A ROTTEN YOLK FROM A ROTTEN EGG,

THE END OF A ROTTEN CARROT,
AND A WHOLE CLOVE OF GARLIC...

ROTTEN.

YOU WEAR THAT THING AND A
GARBAGE TRUCK WILL PICK YOU UP.

WHAT YOU SAY? DON'T COME
NEAR ME WITH THAT THING.

JUST STAY AWAY
FROM ME. THAT SMELLS

TERRIBLE. I DON'T KNOW
HOW YOU CAN WEAR THAT.

LISTEN, IF YOUR TOOTH ISN'T BETTER WHEN I
COME BACK, YOU'RE GONNA GO TO THE DENTIST.

YOU GOT THAT? I'M NOT GONNA
ARGUE. DON'T COME NEAR ME.

I'M NOT GONNA ARGUE WITH YOU. YOU ARE
GOING TO THE DENTIST. DON'T COME NEAR ME.

I DON'T WANNA GO TO NO DENTIST.
GET THAT SMELL OUTTA THIS HOUSE.

WAIT A MINUTE, SON.

[ Sniffing ]

POP, YOU HOME?

POP, YOU UP THERE?

[ Man ] YOU ARE
GETTING SLEEPY. SLEEPY.

YOU ARE COMPLETELY RELAXED.

YOU WILL FOLLOW MY INSTRUCTIONS,
AND YOU WILL BE COMPLETELY RELAXED.

WHEN YOU AWAKEN
FROM THIS EXPERIENCE,

YOU WILL BE COMPLETELY
RELAXED AND WITHOUT PAIN.

THE PAIN WILL BE GONE.

NO MORE PAIN.

SAY, WHAT IS GOING ON IN HERE?

YOU DUMMY. SEE WHAT YOU DID? YOU
BROKE THE SPELL. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HE WAS HYPNOTIZING ME OUTTA
MY PAIN. YOU MESSED IT UP.

- HYPNOTIZING?
- THAT'S RIGHT. IT'S A FRIEND OF BUBBA'S.

HE'S A TRAINED HYPNOTIST.
PROFESSOR POAG.

PROFESSOR SYLVESTER
POAG. AND YOU'RE A HYPNOTIST.

AMONG OTHER THINGS.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

I'M ALSO A HANDWRITING EXPERT, A CERTIFIED
PUBLIC ACCOUNTANT AND A HAIRSTYLIST.

AND YOU GONNA HYPNOTIZE MY
FATHER OUT OF HIS TOOTHACHE.

AND HE WAS DOING IT TOO. THEN YOU
WALKED IN, AND THE PAIN CAME BACK.

NOT IN MY MOUTH, BUT
A LOT FURTHER DOWN.

POP, ARE YOU SERIOUS?
DO YOU ACTUALLY THINK...

YOU CAN GET RID OF A
TOOTHACHE WITH HYPNOSIS?

I ACTUALLY THINK SO. OH,
MAN, I DON'T BELIEVE THIS.

WHY ARE YE FEARFUL,
OH YE OF LITTLE FAITH?

ARE YOU ALSO A MINISTER?

I'M A MINISTER, A JUSTICE OF
THE PEACE AND A REFORMED RABBI.

SEE? COME ON, PROFESSOR.
LET'S GET ON WITH IT.

LISTEN HERE. IF YOU GONNA STAY
IN HERE, YOU GONNA HAVE TO HUSH...

BECAUSE THIS ROOM IS
BEING USED FOR HYPNOSIS.

LET'S GO, PROFESSOR.

ALL RIGHT. NOW, KEEP YOUR
EYE ON THE SWINGING PENDANT.

YOU WILL FIND YOURSELF
GETTING COMPLETELY RELAXED.

YOU WILL DO AS I SAY, AND I
WILL RID YOU OF YOUR PAIN.

YOU WILL DO AS I SAY, MR. SANFORD,
AND I WILL RID YOU OF YOUR PAIN.

ARE YOU READY TO DO AS I SAY?

VERY WELL THEN.

FIRST, I WANT YOU TO RAISE YOUR
RIGHT ARM AND HOLD IT STRAIGHT OUT.

WHEN I COUNT TO THREE, YOU
WILL RAISE YOUR RIGHT ARM.

IT WILL BECOME RIGID,
STIFF AS A BOARD.

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO MOVE IT.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

MR. SANFORD, YOU WEREN'T
CONCENTRATING. YOU MUST HELP ME.

NOW, I'M GONNA ASK YOU
TO RAISE YOUR LEFT ARM.

YOUR LEFT ARM.

IT WILL BECOME RIGID,
STIFF AS A BOARD.

YOU WILL NOT BE ABLE TO MOVE IT.

WHEN I COUNT TO THREE,
YOU WILL RAISE YOUR LEFT ARM.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

WHAT'S THE MATTER, MR. SANFORD? I
CAN'T CONCENTRATE. MY SON HERE...

WH-WHAT HAPPENED?

WHAT HAPPENED IS THAT
YOUR SON IS OBVIOUSLY A

WILLING SUBJECT. HE'S
IN A STATE OF HYPNOSIS.

YOU'RE KIDDING. NO, IT'S A FACT.

YOU MEAN, HE'LL DO ANYTHING
YOU SAY? JUST ABOUT.

TELL HIM TO FLY OUTTA HERE.

NO. WHAT I'D BETTER
DO IS SNAP HIM OUT OF IT.

YOUNG MAN, WHEN I COUNT TO
THREE, YOU WILL LOWER YOUR ARMS...

AND YOU WILL FEEL BETTER
THAN YOU'VE EVER FELT BEFORE.

ONE, TWO, THREE.

WELL, I'M STILL WAITING.

YEAH. WELL, YOU BIG DUMMY,

WHILE YOU WAS WAITIN', HE HYPNOTIZED
YOU. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THAT'S RIGHT. YOU WAS STANDING
THERE WITH YOUR ARMS SPREAD OUT.

ALL YOU NEEDED WAS SOME TAIL
FEATHERS AND YOU'D LOOK LIKE A BUZZARD.

AND YOU EXPECT
ME TO BELIEVE THAT?

YOU DON'T HAVE TO
BELIEVE IT. I SAW YOU.

YOU WAS STANDING
ALL GLASS-EYED LIKE MY

COUSIN T.J. WHEN HE
FOUND OUT HE WAS DRAFTED.

WASN'T HE, PROFESSOR? HE WAS
OUT. THAT'S RIGHT. THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU CARE TO GO ON, MR. SANFORD?
NO, THAT LITTLE BIT DID ME SWELL.

I SURE APPRECIATE YOUR
DROPPING BY. I FEEL GOOD.

SAY, PROFESSOR, HOW
MUCH DO I OWE YOU?

BECAUSE OF THE INTERRUPTIONS, I'LL ONLY
CHARGE YOU TWO DOLLARS. TWO DOLLARS.

AND I'LL HAVE A TINY SHOT OF SOMETHING,
IF IT'S ALL RIGHT. SURE. GO RIGHT AHEAD.

THANK YOU. I'M
ALSO AN ALCOHOLIC.

LISTEN, SON. I KNOW
YOU'RE NOT GONNA BELIEVE

THIS, BUT THAT GUY MADE
MY TOOTH FEEL BETTER.

THAT'S GREAT, POP. IF YOUR TOOTH
IS OKAY, THEN YOU CAN HAVE LUNCH.

BUT I AIN'T HUNGRY. OH.

WELL, IF YOUR TOOTH IS ALL RIGHT,
HOW 'BOUT DRINKING SOME ICE WATER?

I AIN'T THIRSTY EITHER.

LISTEN. IF YOU DRINK
THIS ICE WATER,

THEN THAT MEANS I WON'T
HAVE TO CALL UP THE DENTIST.

IF YOU DRINK THIS, YOUR TOOTH IS
ALL RIGHT. POP, DRINK SOME ICE WATER.

I'LL DO IT, BUT JUST TO SATISFY
YOU. YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THAT.

HOW'S YOUR TOOTH FEEL?
OKAY? IS YOUR TOOTH OKAY?

ARE YOU SURE YOUR TOOTH IS OKAY?

WELL, LET ME SEE YOU SMILE.

YOUR TOOTH S OKAY, POP.

YOU CAN EAT ANYTHING. I
WON'T HAVE TO CALL A DENTIST.

HOW 'BOUT SOME PEANUT BRITTLE?

WAIT A MINUTE. HOW
ABOUT SOME ICE CREAM?

SOME ICE CREAM, POP, HUH?

WHERE YOU GOIN'?

I DON'T UNDERSTAND. IF THE TOOTH
IS ALL RIGHT, WHERE YOU GOIN'?

[ Door Slams ] [ Screaming ]

I TOLD YOU, I DON'T WANNA SEE NO DOCTOR
'CAUSE MY TOOTH DON'T HURT NO MORE.

I GUESS IT'S THAT OLD STORY. ONCE YOU GET
TO THE DENTIST'S OFFICE, THE PAIN STOPS.

SIT DOWN. I WILL NOT.

WHAT? YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SIT
DOWN WHEN THE DOCTOR EXAMINES YOU.

NO, I AIN'T. I'M GONNA BE
IN A RUNNING POSITION.

I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU
DIDN'T LET ME GO SEE THE

HYPNOTIST AGAIN. HE WAS
A LOT CHEAPER THAN THIS.

POP, THIS IS A CITY
CLINIC. IT'S FREE.

SO IS AN AUTOPSY FREE.

YOU DON'T SEE ME RUNNING DOWN
THERE TRYING TO GET NONE, DO YOU?

WOULD YOU SIT DOWN?

I DON'T WANNA SIT DOWN.
SIT DOWN OVER THERE.

[ Whirring ]

WHAT? WHAT'S THAT?

SOUNDS LIKE A DRILL TO ME.
THEN I KNOW I AIN'T STAYING HERE.

SIT DOWN.

[ Whirring Continues ]

LAMONT, LISTEN. LISTEN TO THAT.

THAT SOUND LIKE ONE OF THEM
DRILLS THEY USE IN AN AIRCRAFT PLANT.

IF THE DOCTOR'S HAND SLIPPED,
WHAM. IT'S A HOLE IN MY HEAD.

YOU MEAN ANOTHER
HOLE IN YOUR HEAD.

IF YOU DON'T STAY RIGHT WHERE
YOU ARE AND GET THIS OVER WITH,

I'M NOT GOING BACK HOME, AND
I'M NOT GOING BACK TO WORK.

IS THAT PERFECTLY CLEAR?

YEAH, IT'S CLEAR. GOOD.

JUST ONE THING. WHAT?

I'LL DO IT, BUT UNDER ONE
CONDITION. AND THAT IS?

I WANT A WHITE DENTIST.

WHAT DID YOU SAY?

YOU HEARD ME. I
WANT A WHITE DENTIST.

WHAT MAKES YOU THINK YOU'RE
GONNA GET A BLACK DENTIST?

YOU SAID IT'S A FREE
CLINIC, DIDN'T YOU?

WHERE YOU THINK YOU FIND
BLACK DENTISTS? IN BEVERLY HILLS?

WASN'T YOU THE GUY THAT TOLD ME ONCE THAT
YOU DIDN'T WANT NOTHING WHITE BUT MILK?

MY TOOTH WASN'T HURTIN' THEN.

EXPLAIN TO ME WHY YOU WANT A
WHITE DENTIST ALL OF A SUDDEN.

BECAUSE I WANT THE BEST AVAILABLE
DENTIST FOR MY TOOTH. THAT'S WHY.

NOW, JUST BY COINCIDENCE,
THE BEST DENTIST SCHOOLS...

ARE OF THE WHITE PEOPLE, BY THE
WHITE PEOPLE AND FOR THE WHITE PEOPLE.

DON'T IT SEEM LIKELY THAT THE
BEST DENTISTS WOULD BE WHITE?

WHITE DENTIST, PLEASE.

DO YOU KNOW THAT
DR. CHARLES DREW,

THE MAN THAT DEVELOPED
BLOOD PLASMA, WAS A BLACK MAN?

AND THAT THE FIRST SUCCESSFUL OPEN-HEART
SURGERY WAS PERFORMED BY A BLACK MAN?

IF I NEED SOME BLOOD PLASMA OR
OPEN-HEART SURGERY, I'LL GET A BLACK MAN.

BUT RIGHT NOW, I WANT A
WHITE MAN FOR MY TOOTH.

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT
YOU'RE DOING, POP?

YOU'RE TURNING YOUR
BACK ON THE BROTHERS.

WHO? NO, I AIN'T.

A BROTHER'S ALL RIGHT FOR A DRINKING BUDDY,
BUT FOR MY TOOTH I WANT A WHITE DENTIST.

I'M SORRY TO HAVE KEPT
YOU WAITING. MAY I HELP YOU?

YEAH. I CALLED EARLIER ABOUT AN APPOINTMENT
FOR MY FATHER. THE NAME IS SANFORD.

OH, YES. MAY I ASK YOU A
FEW QUESTIONS, MR. SANFORD?

AND MAY I ASK YOU ONE?

PARDON ME?

DO YOU JUST GO OUT WITH DENTISTS OR
COULD YOU SQUEEZE IN A JUNK DEALER?

WOULD YOU STOP THAT
AND SIT DOWN? OH, SHUT UP.

SIT DOWN.

YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE MY FATHER.
HE WAS MAKING A LITTLE JOKE. I KNOW.

I'M SURE THAT TOOTHACHE ISN'T
LETTING HIM THINK ABOUT TOO MUCH ELSE.

LISTEN, HONEY. I AIN'T HAVE
NO TOOTHACHE ALL THE TIME.

SAY, WHAT YOU DOING TONIGHT?

DIDN'T I TELL YOU TO STOP IT? I'M
TALKING TO HER. I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU.

EXCUSE ME. MR. SANFORD, HOW
LONG HAVE YOU HAD THIS TROUBLE?

EVER SINCE HE WAS BORN.

I'M WARNING YOU, POP.

I WAS TALKING ABOUT
THE PAIN YOU'RE HAVING.

THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT.

MY SON, THE PAIN.

WOULD YOU STOP IT? [ Muttering ]

YOUR TOOTH, MR. SANFORD. HOW
LONG HAS IT BEEN GIVING YOU TROUBLE?

IT'S BEEN GIVING ME TROUBLE A
COUPLE OF DAYS, BUT IT'S ALL RIGHT NOW.

SO I GUESS WE CAN GO, HUH?
NO, WE CAN'T. NOW, SIT DOWN.

YOU CAN GO IN NOW. WE'LL COMPLETE
YOUR CARD AFTER THE DENTIST IS FINISHED.

RIGHT THIS WAY, PLEASE.

- GO AHEAD AND ASK HER.
- I BEG YOUR PARDON?

WELL, NOTHING. SEE, MY FATHER WAS JUST
WONDERING WHO HIS DENTIST WAS GONNA BE.

IT'LL BE SOMEONE GOOD.
WE HAVE AN EXCELLENT STAFF.

NO, WHAT I MEAN IS, WHERE
DO THESE DENTISTS COME FROM?

MOST OF THEM ARE FROM
AROUND HERE IN CALIFORNIA.

BUT WE DO HAVE A FEW FROM
OTHER COUNTRIES. CANADA, MEXICO.

AFRICA?

[ Arguing ]

WHY DO YOU ALWAYS HAVE
TO DO STUFF LIKE THAT?

SIT IN THIS CHAIR, MR. SANFORD.

WHAT WE GONNA DO, EAT NOW?

THIS IS JUST A
LITTLE PROTECTION.

THE DENTIST WILL BE WITH
YOU IN JUST A MOMENT.

DID YOU HEAR THAT? JUST FOR
PROTECTION. IT'S FOR BLOOD.

STOP. IT IS NOT. IT IS.

SEE? THEY BUTCHER YOUR MOUTH, THEN
YOU LEAN OVER HERE AND BLEED IN THIS SINK.

AND WHEN IT'S FINISHED DRAINING
OUT YA, THERE YOU ARE, DEAD.

GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.

I'M DEAD.

HERE YOU GO, MR. SANFORD. ALL
RIGHT NOW, IF YOU WILL OPEN, PLEASE.

LISTEN, DOC, WAIT. MY TOOTH DON'T HURT
NO MORE, HONEST. MY TOOTH DON'T HURT.

LET'S HAVE A LOOK ANYWAY. OPEN,
PLEASE. YOU THE DENTIST HERE, HUH?

YES, I AM. WILL
YOU OPEN, PLEASE?

HOW LONG YOU BEEN A
DENTIST? QUITE SOME TIME.

DID YOU GO TO SCHOOL OR TAKE
A CORRESPONDENCE COURSE?

SAY, YOU'LL HAVE TO FORGIVE MY
FATHER, DOCTOR. HE'S A LITTLE NERVOUS.

I UNDERSTAND. BUT, MR. SANFORD, IN ORDER
FOR ME TO KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO KNOW...

SO I CAN GET DOWN TO
BUSINESS, YOU WILL HAVE TO OPEN.

UNTIL I KNOW WHAT I HAVE TO
KNOW, THE BUSINESS STAYS CLOSED.

ALL RIGHT. I THINK I KNOW
WHAT YOUR PROBLEM IS.

EXCUSE ME, PLEASE.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
YOU JUST INSULTED THAT MAN.

HE'S OBVIOUSLY A QUALIFIED DENTIST OR HE
WOULDN'T BE HERE WITH THE TITLE "DOCTOR."

I'M ASHAMED OF YOU, POP.

OKAY. YOU GOT THE
SHAME, HE GOT THE TITLE,

BUT THIS IS MY MOUTH.

IF YOU DON'T WANNA GET YOUR
TOOTH FIXED, GET UP AND LEAVE.

OKAY, I WILL LEAVE
HERE. I DON'T NEED THIS.

GOOD AFTERNOON, GENTLEMEN.

AHA. HERE WE GO.

EXCUSE ME A MINUTE
WHILE I WASH UP.

SEE THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN HIM
AND THAT OTHER GUY RIGHT AWAY?

YEAH, IT'S LIKE NIGHT AND DAY.

I AIN'T TALKING ABOUT THAT. I'M TALKING
ABOUT HE'S WASHING HIS HANDS. I LIKE THAT.

♪♪ [ Humming ] LISTEN.
HUMMING, SINGING.

HAPPY AND HUMMING.
♪♪ [ Humming ]

WELL NOW, MR., UM, SANFORD. LET'S
HAVE A LOOK AND SEE WHAT THE PROBLEM IS.

ANYTHING YOU SAY, DOC.

I BET YOUR FATHER'S A DENTIST TOO.
WHERE'D YOU ALL GO TO SCHOOL, HARVARD?

NO, MY FATHER'S NOT A
DENTIST. HE'S AN ELECTRICIAN.

ACTUALLY, I GOT STARTED IN DENTISTRY
THROUGH A CORRESPONDENCE COURSE.

WHAT?

I SAY, I GOT STARTED THAT WAY. THEN,
OF COURSE, I WENT ON TO A UNIVERSITY.

OH. AND THEN YOU
WENT TO HARVARD.

NO, I WENT TO NIGHT
SCHOOL AT CITY COLLEGE.

OPEN, PLEASE.

UHH. THAT'S UGLY.

UH, MR. SANFORD, THIS IS A LITTLE
MORE COMPLICATED THAN I THOUGHT.

WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME A MINUTE? I
WANT TO CHECK THIS OUT VERY CAREFULLY.

[ Laughing ]

WERE YOU HAPPY WITH THAT JOKER? HE
SOUNDS TERRIFIC. CITY COLLEGE AT NIGHT.

YOU HEARD HIM, DIDN'T YOU?
HE'S GOING TO CHECK IT OUT.

BUSINESS. THESE
PEOPLE ARE ALL BUSINESS.

I DON'T CARE ANYMORE, POP. I JUST WANT
TO GET THIS OVER WITH AND GET OUTTA HERE.

MR. SANFORD, THAT TOOTH
IS IN A TRICKY POSITION,

AND YOU SHOULD BE IN
THE BEST POSSIBLE HANDS.

I'VE ASKED DR. ROGERS TO TAKE
OVER. HE'S THE HEAD OF ORAL SURGERY.

HELLO, BROTHER.

NOW, MR. SANFORD, IF YOU'LL
OPEN YOUR MOUTH NICE AND WIDE...

SO I CAN GET YOUR
FOOT OUT FIRST.

OPEN YOUR MOUTH.

MORNING, SON. MORNING, POP.

YOUR TOOTH FEEL OKAY TODAY? YEAH,
GREAT. THEY DO GOOD WORK AT THAT CLINIC.

HEY, I HOPE YOU LEARNED
SOMETHING FROM THAT, POP.

WHEN SOMETHING IS WRONG WITH
YOU, YOU GO TO A DOCTOR OR A DENTIST.

IT DOESN'T MATTER WHO HE
IS OR WHERE HE COMES FROM.

- LET SCIENCE TAKE CARE OF IT.
- I COULDN'T AGREE
WITH YOU MORE.

THAT'S RIGHT. THIS IS 1972.

ALL OF THOSE OLD HOME REMEDIES WERE FROM
WAY BACK WHEN MAN DIDN'T KNOW ANY BETTER.

YEAH, THAT'S THAT
OLD-TIME STUFF.

WHAT IS THIS?

IT'S FROM THE TELEPHONE COMPANY.

"DUE TO AN ERROR IN
LAST MONTH'S BILLING,

WE ARE ENCLOSING A REFUND
IN THE AMOUNT OF $5.25."

A REFUND FOR ME? THAT'S RIGHT.

THEN IT'S TRUE. IT'S TRUE,
ISN'T IT? WHAT'S TRUE?

YOU KNOW THAT
TOOTH I HAD PULLED?

THEY SAY IF YOU SLEEP WITH A
PULLED TOOTH UP UNDER YOUR PILLOW...

THAT THE GOOD FAIRY WILL
BRING YOU SOME MONEY.

SO YOU ARE THE GOOD FAIRY.

SO, UH, GIVE ME MY
MONEY, GOOD FAIRY.

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

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