Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 8 - The Puerto Ricans Are Coming! - full transcript

WOW.

FIVE INCHES TALLER.

I COULD BE ON THE LAKERS TEAM.

THERE.

FIVE INCHES TALLER.

COULD HAVE BEEN A MOVIE STAR.

MY DARLING, IF I WERE KING,

I WOULD GIVE YOU
MY THRONE, DARLING.

OR ANOTHER MOVIE
STAR, A TALL ONE.

LISTEN, SCARLETT, I
DON'T GIVE A DAMN.

SAY, POP, I CAN'T FIND THE THING. I
WAS UPSTAIRS AND LOOKING FOR...



WAIT A MINUTE. AM I SHRINKING,
OR ARE YOU GETTING TALLER?

HIGH-HEELED ITALIAN BOOTS?

SO WHAT. EVERYBODY'S
WEARING THEM.

AT 65? NO, AT 4.95 AT
KINNEY'S ON THE HIGHWAY.

HOW'D YOU GET THEM SO CHEAP?

TRUCK RAN OVER 'EM.

MAN, WOULD YOU
LOOK AT THEM HEELS?

YOU'RE GONNA BE WALKING
DOWNHILL ALL NIGHT.

SEE, THESE BOOTS
AIN'T MADE FOR WALKIN'.

THEY MADE FOR
STANDING ALONG SIDE OF.

AT LEAST THAT'S WHAT THE AD SAID:
"NOW YOU CAN BE TALLER THAN SHE IS."

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU,
POP. YOU'RE RIDICULOUS.

YOU'RE GOING TO ALL
THIS TROUBLE JUST 'CAUSE

THE BARRACUDA'S COMING
HERE TO DINNER TONIGHT.



LISTEN, DON'T CALL DONNA THAT.
NOW YOU BE NICE TO HER AT DINNER.

AND SPEAKING OF DINNER, HOW MUCH
DID YOU PAY FOR THAT RUMP ROAST?

FIVE SEVENTY-FIVE. SO WHAT.
NOTHING BUT THE BEST, HUH?

WELL, IT LASTS ALL WEEK. THE
GALLOPING GOURMET SHOW YESTERDAY...

WAS CALLED HOW TO
STRETCH YOUR RUMP ROAST.

SO, THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA
DO, STRETCH MY RUMP ROAST.

FIRST, LET ME FIX THIS.

HEY, POP, YOU KNOW YOU
LOOK RIDICULOUS IN THEM SHOES.

YOU'RE TILTING FORWARD. YOU'RE
LIABLE TO FALL RIGHT ON YOUR RUMP ROAST.

THAT AIN'T FUNNY.
LET ME GET OVER HERE.

OH, WOW.

HELP ME GET OUT OF THESE THINGS
SO I CAN FINISH COOKING DINNER.

HEY, POP, HOW COME YOU'RE
DOING ALL THE COOKING TONIGHT?

BECAUSE DONNA'S WORKING HARD.
AND STOP ASKING SO MANY QUESTIONS.

BRING THAT WHEELCHAIR OVER HERE.

WHAT'S THIS OLD
THING DOING IN HERE?

OH, DONNA'S BRINGING ONE OF
HER PATIENTS FOR DINNER TONIGHT.

A PATIENT? WHAT'S SHE BRINGING
A PATIENT OVER HERE FOR?

WELL, HE'S SUPPOSED
TO BE WITH HIS SON-IN-LAW,

BUT HE'S OUT OF TOWN, SO
DONNA'S LOOKING AFTER HIM.

YOU KNOW SHE'S A
PRACTICAL NURSE.

THAT'S ALL WE NEED IS A SICK
OLD MAN OVER HERE FOR DINNER.

WHATEVER YOU DO, POP,
DON'T GIVE HIM NO RICE PUDDING.

I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN THEM OLD
MEN GET RICE PUDDING ON THEIR CHIN.

IT LOOKS NASTY.

WELL, WE WON'T HAVE
TO WORRY ABOUT THAT.

WE'LL JUST PUT HIM IN THE WHEELCHAIR
AND GIVE HIM A LAMB CHOP BONE TO GNAW ON.

WHERE DO YOU WANT THIS
CHAIR? PUT IT OVER BY THE TABLE.

OH, NO. I DON'T WANNA LOOK
AT THAT OLD MAN WHEN I EAT.

WELL, PUT IT BACK THERE
BY THAT FOLDING SCREEN,

AND THEN WHEN HE DOZES
OFF, WE CAN HIDE HIM.

BOY, POP, I SEE THAT BARRACUDA'S REALLY
GOT YOU WOUND AROUND HER LITTLE FINGER.

LISTEN, LAMONT. YOU CALL
DONNA A BARRACUDA AGAIN,

AND I'LL TAKE THIS ITALIAN BOOT
AND CAVE IN YOUR PASTA FAZULE.

[ Horn Honks ] THERE'S
YOUR FIANCEE NOW.

YOU TRY TO BE NICE TO
HER TONIGHT, YOU HEAR?

JUST FOR A CHANGE TRY
TO BE NICE TO HER. [ Knocking ]

DONNA. GOOD EVENING, FRED.

GOOD EVENING, LAMONT.
HELLO. HOW ARE YOU?

MR. WILCOX WILL
BE IN IN A MINUTE.

MAYBE THE OLD-TIMER'S
HAVING TROUBLE GETTING

OUT OF THE CAR. I'LL
GO GIVE HIM A HAND.

GOOD EVENING. GOOD
EVENING. GOOD EVENING.

BE OF GOOD CHEER,
OSGOOD IS HERE.

MR. WILCOX, MAY I PRESENT MY FIANCE
FRED SANFORD AND HIS SON LAMONT.

HOW DO YOU DO? LAMONT,
FRED, OSGOOD WILCOX.

HOW DO YOU DO? OW!

YOU'RE IN PRETTY GOOD
SHAPE. INDEED, I AM.

I DID 30 PUSH-UPS, 50 SIT-UPS AND JOGGED
3 MILES THIS MORNING BEFORE BREAKFAST.

WHAT DID YOU DO?

HE READ DEAR ABBY, STOOD UP
TOO FAST AND ALMOST FAINTED.

WELL, I'M IN GOOD CONDITION FOR A MAN
WHO'S HAD SEVERAL ABDOMINAL OPERATIONS,

BECAUSE I'VE HAD THIS LITTLE
SWEETIE PIE TO TAKE CARE OF ME.

UH, HONEY, WHY DON'T YOU
GO AND SIT DOWN AND RELAX?

ALL RIGHT. LAMONT WILL
GIVE US SOME DRINKS.

HEY, DO WE STILL HAVE SOME
OF THAT GOOD SHERRY LEFT?

YEAH, IT'S IN THE REFRIGERATOR.
WELL, BRING IT OUT, SON.

AND USE THEM GOOD JELLY GLASSES.

IT'S A VERY INTERESTING LITTLE
PLACE YOU'VE GOT HERE, SANFORD.

WHAT'S YOUR GAME?
KENO. WHAT'S YOURS?

NO, NO, NO, NO.

I MEAN, WHAT DO YOU DO?

OH, I'M A COORDINATOR.
YOU'RE A COORDINATOR.

WHAT DO YOU COORDINATE? JUNK.

HEY, POP, CAN I SEE YOU IN
THE KITCHEN FOR A MINUTE?

THAT KID CAN'T FIND NOTHING.

DONNA, WILL YOU EXPLAIN TO
HIM WHAT IT IS THAT I COLLECT?

SEE, I'M NOT JUST AN ORDINARY
COORDINATOR, I'M A COLLECTOR.

OH, YOU'RE A COLLECTOR.
WHAT DO YOU COLLECT?

ANTIQUES? BRIC-A-BRAC?
OBJET D'ART?

THAT'S RIGHT, JUNK.

CHARMING FELLOW.
CHARMING. CHARMING.

LISTEN. I TOLD YOU THE
WINE WAS RIGHT OVER HERE.

I KNOW THAT, POP. I WANTED TO TALK
TO YOU FOR A FEW MINUTES IN PRIVATE.

ABOUT WHAT? WHAT WAS IT YOU SAID
THAT DUDE OUT THERE WAS, HER PATIENT?

THAT'S RIGHT. WHAT
DOES THAT MEAN? UH-HUH.

THAT MEANS HE'S HER PATIENT LIKE RICHARD
BURTON IS ELIZABETH TAYLOR'S PATIENT.

OH. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? SHE'S HIS NURSE.

MAYBE THAT'S THE WAY IT STARTED.

I'M TELLING YOU, POP, THAT DUDE
OUT THERE IS HER BOYFRIEND.

DONNA AND I ARE ENGAGED. WHY
WOULD SHE BRING A BOYFRIEND HERE FOR?

TO GET THE BIDDING STARTED. GET TWO
GUYS COMPETING AGAINST EACH OTHER.

YOU'VE BEEN WATCHING
TOO MUCH PEYTON PLACE.

GET THE WINE. COME ON. I
AIN'T GONNA SAY ANOTHER WORD.

I HOPE YOU DON'T. I'M
GONNA MIND MY BUSINESS.

PLEASE DO. I AIN'T
GONNA SAY NOTHING.

YEAH, I'M SORRY WE WAS TOO LATE.

HAD TO GO DOWN TO THE BASEMENT
AND GET THE REFRESHMENTS.

WHITE WINE. NOTHING
LIKE WHITE WINE.

WHITE WINE SHOULD
BE DRUNK YOUNG.

YEAH, I WAS DRUNK
WHEN I WAS YOUNG.

OH, IT'S SHERRY. NOTHING
LIKE A GOOD SHERRY. HARVEY'S?

NO, THRIFTY'S.

SAY LISTEN, WILCOX,
YOU DON'T HAVE TO STIR IT.

NO, NO, NO, FRED. MR. WILCOX IS
TESTING IT FOR AROMA AND TASTE.

HE'S QUITE A WINE EXPERT.
OH, LIKE MY COUSIN T.J.

OH, IS YOUR COUSIN
A CONNOISSEUR?

[ Together ] NO, HE'S A WINO.

WELL, IT HAS AN INTERESTING
AROMA. NICE AND FRUITY.

FRUITY? LAMONT, DID YOU WASH
THE JELLY OUT OF THESE GLASSES?

I WASHED THESE GLASSES, POP.

WELL, IT'S PRETTY GOOD
FOR A DOMESTIC SHERRY.

BUT ONE FINDS THE
BEST SHERRY IN SPAIN.

YEAH, BUT THRIFTY'S IS CLOSER.

THE LAST TIME I HAD SOME REAL
GOOD SHERRY WAS WITH E.W. WEBSTER,

THE PRESIDENT OF WESTLANDER
INSURANCE COMPANY.

YEAH, WELL, THE LAST TIME I
HAD SOME REAL GOOD SHERRY...

WAS WITH ONE-EYED JIMMY BIVENS.

HE'S A BIG MAN IN THE POOL
HALL... IN THE BILLIARD INDUSTRY.

THIS REMINDS ME OF A VERY
NICE LITTLE RASPBERRY CORDIAL...

THEY SERVE AT THE
MURIETTA HOT SPRINGS.

TELL ME, SANFORD, YOU
GO THERE FOR THE BATHS?

NO, I GO UPSTAIRS FOR THE BATHS.

SEE, I GOT HOT AND
COLD RUNNING WATER...

AND A RUBBER PLUG AND A
PLASTIC BRUSH FOR MY BACK.

DONNA, YOU'RE GONNA ENJOY THAT
TUB ONCE WE, YOU KNOW, GET SETTLED.

I-I'M SURE I WILL.

FOURS YEARS AGO WHEN I BROKE MY
HIP, DONNA USED TO GIVE ME MY BATH.

OH, REALLY?

SHE GAVE YOU A BATH?

IT'S NORMAL PROCEDURE WHEN
THE PATIENT IS INCAPACITATED.

IS THAT WHAT YOU
WERE, INCAPACITATED?

INDEED, I WAS, AND I
ENJOYED EVERY MINUTE OF IT.

UH, EXCUSE ME. POP, CAN I SEE
YOU IN THE KITCHEN FOR A MINUTE?

- CHECK OUT THE RUMP ROAST.
- WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO DO THAT?

NO, YOU JUST STAY HERE AND
LOOK AFTER YOUR PATIENT. COME ON.

EXCUSE ME. YOU KNOW, YOU GOTTA
KEEP YOUR EYE ON THE RUMP ROAST.

CAN'T LET IT STAY THERE TOO
LONG WITHOUT LOOKING AT IT.

'CAUSE YOU GOTTA
KEEP YOUR EYE ON IT.

WELL, NOW DO YOU SEE
WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT?

OH, WHAT ARE YOU... YOU HEARD
HIM SAY HE HAD A BUSTED HIP,

AN OPERATION ON HIS STOMACH
AND HE AIN'T GOT NO HAIR.

NOW WHAT COULD HE POSSIBLY DO?

I WOULDN'T KNOW THAT, POP.
WHY DON'T YOU ASK DONNA?

YOU WATCH YOUR MOUTH.

POP, DON'T YOU SEE WHAT'S HAPPENING?
YOU'RE BAIT. SHE'S USING YOU TO GET HIM.

WHAT WOMAN WOULD WANT HIM
AFTER SEEING HIM IN THE BATHTUB?

I'M NOT GONNA STAND AROUND HERE AND
WATCH THAT WOMAN MAKE A FOOL OUT OF YOU.

I TRUST HER. SHE'S WEARING
MY ENGAGEMENT RING.

OH, BIG DEAL. YOU
GAVE HER A RING.

I'LL BET YOU HE GAVE HER
THAT WATCH SHE'S WEARING.

BET. BET. HOW MUCH?

SIX-PACK. HOW WE GONNA
FIND OUT? IT'S A DEAL.

I'M GONNA ASK
HER. WAIT A MINUTE.

DON'T YOU ASK HER. SEE, YOU'LL
HURT HER FEELINGS. I'LL ASK HER.

YOU CAN'T JUST RUN RIGHT IN
AND ASK SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

YOU GOTTA LEAD UP TO
IT. I KNOW HOW TO DO IT.

LEAVE IT TO ME. COME ON.

YEAH, WE'RE GONNA HAVE A FINE DINNER
TONIGHT. THERE'S NO KIDDING ABOUT THAT.

I'M TELLING YOU, THE
RUMP ROAST IS FINE. GOOD.

DONNA, WHERE'D
YOU GET THAT WATCH?

I GAVE IT TO HER.

IT'S A GOOD-LOOKING WATCH.
I BET IT COST A LOT OF MONEY.

ACTUALLY, THERE'S ANOTHER
GIFT I'D LIKE TO GIVE HER.

OH, REALLY? AND WHAT IS THAT?

I'D LIKE TO TAKE HER ON A
TRIP TO THE GRAND CANYON.

THREE GLORIOUS DAYS AND
NIGHTS AT THE HIAWATHA LODGE.

STOP IT. ♪ WHEN
I'M CALLING YOU ♪♪

DONNA, COME ON, HONEY. LET'S
ME AND YOU CHECK THE RUMP ROAST.

OF COURSE, BUT DIDN'T YOU
JUST CHECK IT WITH LAMONT?

YEAH, BUT THIS TIME I
WANT A MEDICAL OPINION.

WAIT A MINUTE, DONNA. I DIDN'T BRING
YOU IN HERE TO CHECK THE RUMP ROAST.

THAT WAS JUST AN
EXCUSE. WHAT IS IT, FRED?

YOU AIN'T GOING DOWN TO THE GRAND
CANYON WITH OLD OSGOOD, ARE YOU?

WHY, FRED, I DO
BELIEVE YOU'RE JEALOUS.

I'M NOT JEALOUS. I JUST DON'T WANT YOU
RUNNING TO THE GRAND CANYON WITH HIM.

LET HIM GO DOWN IN
THAT HOLE BY HIMSELF.

FRED, DEAR, YOU HAVE ABSOLUTELY
NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT.

AHEM! WHEN ARE YOU
GONNA LEARN HOW TO KNOCK?

I JUST WANTED TO KNOW
WHEN DINNER WOULD BE READY.

WHY DON'T YOU BOTH GO IN AND VISIT
WITH MR. WILCOX AND LET ME SERVE DINNER?

NO, YOU'RE A GUEST HERE. YOU
GO IN, SIT DOWN AND RELAX. GO ON.

ARE YOU SURE? I'M SURE.

OH, NO.

♪♪ [ Dance ]

HEY, COME HERE, LOVER.

LISTEN, I'M UP TO MY HIPS IN
RUMP ROAST. I AIN'T GOT NO TIME...

YOU SHOULD SEE
THIS. COME OVER HERE.

OH, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT IS IT?

LOOK AT THAT. THEY'RE OUT
THERE DIPPING AND EVERYTHING.

OH, THAT AIN'T NOTHING. THEY
AIN'T DOING NOTHING BUT DANCING.

UH-HUH. ALL I KNOW IS THAT
HE'S THE DUDE WITH THE DAME,

AND YOU'RE THE
CHUMP WITH THE RUMP.

- NOW WHAT ARE THEY DOING?
- THEY DIPPING AND EVERYTHING.

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM STRING
BEANS? I LOVE THE STRING BEANS.

THEY'RE VERY GOOD FOR YOU.
THEY'RE FULL OF CALCIUM AND IRON.

NOT THESE STRING BEANS. THEY
FULL OF FATBACK AND BACON GREASE.

YOU REALLY ENJOY COOKING,
DON'T YOU, FRED? I LOVE IT, DONNA.

AND I'M GONNA FIX YOU SOME
SURPRISE MEALS ONCE WE GET SETTLED.

YOU'LL NEVER HAVE TO
COOK. OH, I LIKE THAT.

SAY, EXCUSE ME. WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA DO ABOUT GETTING YOURSELF...

- A NEW NURSE, MR. WILCOX?
- HOW'S THAT?

WELL, YOU JUST HEARD
PRETTY SOON POP AND DONNA

WILL BE MARRIED. YOU'LL
NEED A NEW NURSE.

WHAT? DONNA WILL NEVER LEAVE ME.

WE CAN TALK ABOUT
THIS SOME OTHER TIME.

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO CONTINUE TO
WORK AFTER YOU MARRY POP, ARE YOU?

SHE SURE AIN'T. NOW, FRED DEAR,

WE CAN DISCUSS IT LATER, OKAY?

I HATE MARRIAGE MYSELF.
DON'T BELIEVE IN IT.

TRIED IT THREE TIMES.
KNOW WHAT I HATE ABOUT IT?

ALL THE TALKING.
TALK, TALK, TALK.

- I LOVE TALKING TO DONNA.
- DONNA IS DIFFERENT.

I LIKE TALKING TO DONNA MYSELF.
ESPECIALLY WHEN SHE'S MASSAGING MY TOES.

SHE DID YOUR TOES?

YES, FRED, WHEN MR. WILCOX
WAS CONFINED TO A WHEELCHAIR.

WELL, SHE DID MY TOES TOO,
AND I WASN'T IN NO WHEELCHAIR.

I WAS IN THE FRONT SEAT
OF HER NEW VOLKSWAGEN.

DID SHE EVER DO YOUR
NECK TILL IT CRACKED?

YEAH, SHE DID MY
NECK TILL IT CRACKED.

AND THE DIFFERENCE IS WITH
YOU, THE CRACKING WAS MEDICAL.

WITH ME, THE CRACKING WAS LOVE.

EXCUSE ME.

WHY DON'T WE ALL HAVE SOME
DESSERT? I'LL BE HAPPY TO GET IT.

DID YOU SEE THAT?
DID I SEE WHAT?

HOW SHE TOOK MY
HAND. SHE TOOK MINE TOO.

YEAH, BUT SHE SQUEEZED
MINE. SHE TOOK YOUR PULSE.

YOU'RE GONNA HATE TO LOSE DONNA
AFTER SHE MARRIES POP, HUH, MR. WILCOX?

WELL, THEY'RE NOT MARRIED
YET. YOU THINK WE WON'T BE?

I DON'T KNOW WHY A SWEET
YOUNG THING LIKE DONNA...

SHOULD GO OFF AND
MARRY A MAN TWICE HER AGE.

TWICE HER AGE? ARE YOU
KIDDING? YOU KNOW HOW OLD I AM?

SEVENTY-FIVE.
FIFTY-NINE! FIFTY-NINE.

SIXTY-FIVE. STAY OUT OF IT.

AT LEAST I'M IN GOOD SHAPE. I DON'T
NEED NO NURSE LOOKING AFTER ME.

NEITHER DO I NEED A NURSE.
DONNA IS MY COMPANION.

SHE STARTED OUT AS MY NURSE,
BUT NOW SHE'S MY COMPANION.

WE GO TO DINNER TOGETHER.
WE GO TO THE MOVIES TOGETHER.

- AND DANCE TOGETHER.
- THAT'S RIGHT. WE DANCE TOGETHER.

I SAW Y'ALL DANCING. LOOKED
LIKE SHE WAS HOLDING YOU UP.

LOOKED LIKE SHE WAS
CARRYING A TREE STUMP.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? ABOUT YOU
TALKING ABOUT THAT SHE'S YOUR COMPANION.

SHE'S YOUR NURSE.
THAT'S WHAT SHE IS.

AND YOU KNOW WHY?
BECAUSE YOU'RE SICK.

SICK, AM I? AHA!

HE'S HAVING A FIT.

[ Lamont ] HEY, THAT'S
TERRIFIC, MR. WILCOX.

WHAT'S SO TERRIFIC ABOUT
LIGHTING A CIGARETTE?

- LET ME SEE YOU DO IT.
- I'M NOT GONNA LAY DOWN
ON THAT FLOOR.

JUST BECAUSE YOU
KNOW YOU CANNOT DO IT.

NO, BECAUSE I KNOW
WHAT'S BEEN ON THAT RUG.

I HATE TO ADMIT IT, POP, BUT MR. WILCOX
HAS GOT A STRONGER ARM THAN YOU HAVE.

WHO? COME OVER HERE.

MOVE SOME OF THAT STUFF
BACK. WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

JUST MOVE IT ON BACK THERE. I'M GONNA
SEE HOW GOOD HE IS AT ARM WRESTLING.

COME ON, MUSCLES.
SIT DOWN. ALL RIGHT.

NOW, I'M GONNA TELL
YOU THIS IN FRONT.

THAT SNAP, CRACKLE AND POP YOU'LL
BE HEARING WON'T BE NO CEREAL.

IT'LL BE YOUR ARM.

NOW READY? READY.

WAIT A MINUTE.

I WASN'T READY, AND YOU CHEATED.

LET'S TRY IT AGAIN. ALL RIGHT.

I KNOW WHAT I CAN DO.
THIS ARM USED TO LIFT STEEL.

AND IRON. CAST-IRON BRICKS.

I'D LIFT A FORD AND
CHANGE MY TIRE.

THIS IS AN ARM HERE.
YOU CAN... YOU LOUSY...

[ Lamont ] POP!

THERE NOW, ARE YOU SATISFIED?

I GOT ARTHRITIS.

WELL, AT LEAST YOU HAVE
SOMETHING. WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT MEANS THAT IN ASSESSING
YOUR QUALIFICATIONS...

AS A SUITABLE MATE FOR DONNA,
YOU'VE BEEN FOUND WANTING.

WOULD YOU LIKE ME TO TRANSLATE?

WOULD YOU LIKE ONE
ACROSS YOUR LIPS?

SAY, POP, MR. WILCOX
IS A GUEST IN OUR HOUSE.

I DON'T MIND GIVING A
GUEST ONE CROSS HIS LIPS.

NOW I THINK IT ONLY FAIR TO WARN
YOU THAT I'M QUITE SKILLED AT KARATE.

[ Karate Yells ]

THIS NIGGER'S CRAZY.

THESE HANDS ARE REGISTERED
AS LETHAL WEAPONS.

MR. SANFORD, I'M A BLACK BELT.

I CAN SEE THAT.

ALL RIGHT. NOW YOU'VE
BEEN DULY WARNED.

I WILL NOT TAKE RESPONSIBILITY
FOR WHAT MIGHT HAPPEN.

ARE YOU KIDDING? I'LL
LEFT HOOK YOU TO DEATH.

NO, STAY OUT OF IT. I USED
TO SPAR WITH JIM JEFFRIES,

JACK JOHNSON, HARRY WILLS.

DID YOU EVER HEAR OF JESS WILLARD? I'M
THE ONE THAT SOFTENED HIM UP FOR DEMPSEY.

TOMMYROT. I FOUGHT HIM TOO.

PHILADELPHIA. DECEMBER 6,
1928. KNOCKOUT IN SIX ROUNDS.

I WILL NOT WASTE MY TIME ANY
FURTHER IN THIS RIDICULOUS DISCUSSION.

I'M LEAVING. DONNA! PUT 'EM UP!

PUT 'EM UP! COME ON, PUT 'EM UP!

DONNA! YOU'D BETTER CALL DONNA.
YOU'RE GONNA NEED A NURSE...

AND A DOCTOR WHEN I
GET THROUGH WITH YOU.

NO, GET OUTTA THE WAY! DONNA!

FRED, WHAT ARE YOU
DOING? PUT 'EM UP!

POP! PUT 'EM UP!

COME, DONNA. I TRY NOT TO LOSE
MY TEMPER IN THE FACE OF ABSURDITY.

ALL RIGHT!

I'M ASHAMED OF YOU!
ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

PUT 'EM UP! I'M JUST
FINE. PUT 'EM UP.

COME ON, I'LL KNOCK
YOU OUT. PUT 'EM UP!

HE WOULDN'T PUT 'EM UP.

IF HE'D HAD PUT 'EM UP, I'D HAVE
SHOWN HIM MY FAMOUS BOLO.

WOW!

I HATE THE THOUGHT OF KILLING A
MAN OVER A WOMAN. YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

I HATE TO MAKE YOU
FEEL BAD, POP, BUT DIDN'T

YOU NOTICE SOMETHING
A LITTLE STRANGE?

WHAT?

SHE RAN OUT AND
IMMEDIATELY TOOK HIS SIDE.

SHE DIDN'T EVEN ASK YOU
WHAT THE FIGHT WAS ABOUT.

THAT'S RIGHT.

- ALL SHE SAID WAS
THAT SHE'S ASHAMED OF YOU.
- THAT WHAT SHE SAID?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT
SHE SAID. WHY YOU, FRED

SANFORD, A DECENT,
HARDWORKING BUSINESSMAN.

AN HONORABLE,
LAW-ABIDING CITIZEN.

A DEVOTED AND LOVING FATHER.

SHE SAID SHE WAS ASHAMED OF
YOU. WHO DOES SHE THINK SHE IS?

YEAH, WHO DOES SHE
THINK SHE IS? YEAH.

I DON'T KNOW WHO SHE THINKS
SHE IS, BUT I KNOW WHAT SHE IS.

A BARRACUDA. RIGHT.

FRED SANFORD, DO YOU MIND
TELLING ME WHAT THAT WAS ALL ABOUT?

WHAT THAT RIDICULOUS
SPECTACLE WAS ALL ABOUT?

LISTEN, DONNA, I WANNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING... I WANNA TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I THINK YOUR BEHAVIOR THIS EVENING
WAS CHILDISH AND INEXCUSABLE.

THE VERY IDEA OF FIGHTING
A MAN LIKE MR. WILCOX.

YOU DIDN'T EVEN ASK TO SEE
WHAT WE WAS FIGHTING ABOUT.

ALL YOU SAID WAS YOU WAS
ASHAMED OF ME. LAMONT TOLD ME.

I DIDN'T HAVE TO KNOW WHAT
YOU WERE FIGHTING ABOUT.

I ONLY KNOW THAT
MR. WILCOX IS A VERY SICK MAN.

I KNOW HE DOESN'T LOOK
IT. HE DOESN'T EVEN KNOW IT,

BUT HE'S HAD A SERIES OF
OPERATIONS, AND HE'S NOT WELL.

HE'S MY PATIENT, AND
HE'S MY RESPONSIBILITY.

AND, LAMONT, THIS ENTIRE THING MIGHT
NOT HAVE HAPPENED IF NOT FOR YOU.

YOU ENCOURAGED IT!

IF NEITHER ONE OF YOU
CAN TELL THE DIFFERENCE...

BETWEEN A PATIENT AND A FIANCE,
THERE'S NOTHING MORE I HAVE TO SAY...

EXCEPT GOOD NIGHT.

AND GOOD-BYE.

HEY, POP, SHE
DIDN'T EVEN LET YOU...

HEY, POP. POP!

SHE DIDN'T EVEN GIVE YOU
A CHANCE TO SAY NOTHING.

WASN'T THERE SOMETHING
YOU WANTED TO SAY?

YEAH, PUT 'EM UP. WHAT?

PUT 'EM UP! PUT 'EM UP! COME ON!

[ Knocking ]

DONNA.

I HOPE I DIDN'T WAKE YOU,
BUT I FELT IT WAS IMPORTANT.

NO, I WAS IN THE KITCHEN
FIXING SOME HOT CHOCOLATE.

WOULD YOU LIKE SOME?
SIT DOWN. NO, THANK YOU.

I'VE JUST COME TO RETURN THIS.

YOUR ENGAGEMENT RING? YES, FRED.

DON'T DO THAT, DONNA. I ONLY GOT
27 MORE PAYMENTS TO MAKE ON IT.

I'M SORRY, FRED, BUT AFTER
WHAT HAPPENED HERE TONIGHT,

I DON'T THINK YOU AND
I CAN MAKE A GO OF IT.

I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT, DONNA. I WAS
GONNA TELL YOU, BUT YOU RAN AWAY.

NOW YOU KNOW I LOVE YOU. THE ONLY
REASON I WAS GONNA FIGHT OSGOOD...

IS BECAUSE I WAS JEALOUS OF HIM.

AND BECAUSE I GOT
A DUMMY FOR A SON.

DO YOU REALLY MEAN
THAT? OF COURSE I MEAN IT.

WELL, THEN WHY DON'T YOU SAY IT?

OKAY.

I GOT A DUMMY FOR A SON.

NO, NO, I MEAN THE PART
ABOUT YOUR LOVING ME.

I LOVE YOU, DONNA.

HERE. PUT THE RING BACK ON
AND FORGET ABOUT TONIGHT.

OKAY. DO YOU MIND
KISSING ME IN MY ROBE,

OR YOU WANT ME
TO CHANGE CLOTHES?

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.

COME OVER HERE
AND SIT DOWN, HONEY.

THIS IS THE WAY THEY DO IN THOSE
MUSICALS. YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU MAKE UP.

I SAW ONE LAST NIGHT ON
TELEVISION AND HE SAID,

♪ DO I LOVE YOU ♪

♪ OH, MY, DO I ♪

♪ HONEY, INDEED, I DO ♪

♪ DO I NEED YOU OH, MY, DO I ♪

♪ HONEY, INDEED, I DO ♪

♪ I'M GLAD THAT I'M THE
ONE WHO FOUND YOU ♪

♪ THAT'S WHY I'M ALWAYS ♪

♪ HANGING AROUND YOU ♪

♪ DO I LOVE YOU ♪

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.