Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 7 - Have Gun, Will Sell - full transcript

LAMONT, WHERE YOU BEEN? YOU
SHOULD HAVE BEEN HOME AN HOUR AGO.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU, POP?
WHAT ARE YOU SO EXCITED ABOUT?

MY COUSIN GRADY FROM
ST. LOUIS, HE'S DRIVING

THROUGH TOWN AND HE'S
GONNA STOP OFF AND SEE US.

COUSIN GRADY? I GOT A DATE TONIGHT,
POP. I DON'T WANNA SEE NO COUSIN GRADY.

WAIT A MINUTE, LAMONT.
YOU'LL WANNA MEET HIM.

HE'S MY FAVORITE COUSIN. CLOSE
THE DOOR. FLIES BE COMIN' IN.

OKAY.

HE'S MY... HE'S MY
FAVORITE COUSIN. REALLY.

HE'S SO FUNNY. HE ALWAYS IS. HE'S LIKE
THE LIFE OF THE PARTY EVERYWHERE HE GO.

WHEN HE PASSED BY THE
CEMETERY, KNOW WHAT HE SAY?



"PEOPLE JUST DYIN' TO GET
IN THERE." AIN'T THAT FUNNY?

DID YOU GET IT? I GOT IT.

HE'S SO FULL OF FUN.

WAIT TILL YOU MEET HIM. YOU'LL
LOVE HIM. KNOW WHAT ELSE HE SAID?

WHAT? KNOW WHAT HE CALL HIS
SELF? THE WHITE SHEEP OF THE FAMILY.

YOU GET IT? INSTEAD OF
SAYING... I KNOW. I KNOW.

SAY, POP, COUSIN GRADY SOUNDS LIKE A BARREL
OF LAUGHS, MAN, BUT I GOT A DATE TONIGHT.

WAIT A MINUTE, SON. COME HERE. I WANT
TO SHOW YOU COUSIN GRADY'S PICTURE.

IT'S IN THE ALBUM HERE.
YOU MIGHT REMEMBER HIM?

YOU MET HIM WHEN YOU WERE
LITTLE. COME ON. SIT DOWN.

POP, I TOLD YOU. I
DON'T HAVE TIME...

SIT DOWN. IT AIN'T GONNA
TAKE YOU ABOUT A MINUTE.

NOW, LOOK IT THERE.
IS THAT COUSIN GRADY?

NO, THAT'S YOUR UNCLE TOOT.



SEE, UNCLE TOOT WAS
A CHEF ON THE TITANIC,

BUT HE NEVER GOT A
CHANCE TO COOK NOTHIN'.

COME ON, POP.

AND HERE'S YOUR
FOURTH COUSIN HERE.

THIS IS YOUR FOURTH COUSIN ON YOUR
GREAT, GREAT AUNT'S SIDE... AUNT JENNIE.

SEE, AUNT JENNIE
MARRIED UNCLE TIPS.

SEE, HE HAD A WOODEN LEG.

DURING THE DEPRESSION, HE HAD A
JOB PICKING UP PAPER IN THE PARK.

THE WAY HE DID IT,
HE SHARPENED THE TIP.

REALLY. HE SHARPENED
THE TIP ON HIS WOODEN LEG...

AND THEN HE WENT
THROUGH THE PARK LIKE THIS.

WOULD YOU STOP IT. AND HE
WORKED THERE A LONG TIME.

HE SHARPENED IT SO MANY TIMES, IT
GOT SO SHORT THEY HAD TO LAY HIM OFF.

WELL, I GOTTA GO, POP. WAIT
A MINUTE, SON. JUST A MOMENT.

LISTEN. I JUST GOT A FEW MORE...

WILL YOU LOOK AT THAT?

THAT'S YOU WHEN YOU WERE A BABY.

YOU'RE PROBABLY THE
UGLIEST BABY I EVER SAW.

REALLY. I DON'T KNOW WHO WAS UGLIER,
YOU OR THAT OLD BEAR RUG YOU'RE LAYING ON.

WELL, YOU'RE MY FATHER. WASN'T
I SUPPOSED TO LOOK LIKE YOU?

WELL, NO. A LOT OF PEOPLE
THOUGHT YOU FAVORED THE BEAR.

THERE'S GRADY. GREAT.
TELL HIM I SAID HI, POP.

WAIT A MINUTE, SON. LISTEN.
AREN'T YOU GONNA STAY AND SEE HIM?

I ALREADY TOLD YOU, I
GOT A DATE. LISTEN, LAMONT.

YOUR OWN FLESH AND BLOOD IS COMING
TO SEE YOU, AND YOU AIN'T GONNA BE HERE.

SEE, GRADY'S BRINGIN' HIS NEW BRIDE
AND HIS STEPDAUGHTER TO MEET US.

I WANNA MAKE A GOOD IMPRESSION,
AND YOU AIN'T GONNA BE HERE. OKAY, THEN.

WELL, GO AHEAD ON YOUR
OLD DATE. I DON'T CARE.

ALL RIGHT, POP, WHAT
DO YOU WANT ME TO DO?

BREAK YOUR DATE.
I'D DO IT FOR YOU.

WHEN DO YOU EVER HAVE DATES?

ARE YOU KIDDIN'? I
GOT A DATE THURSDAY.

I'VE BEEN INVITED TO THE
JUNKMEN FOR NIXON RALLY.

AND IF YOU DON'T WANT
ME TO GO, I WON'T GO.

ALL RIGHT, I'LL BREAK MY DATE.

THANK YOU, SON.
AND I'LL BREAK MINE.

COME ON. HELP ME CLEAN
UP FOR THE COMPANY.

[ Car Pulls Up ] UH-OH. IT'S
TOO LATE FOR THAT, POP.

[ Horn Honks ] LOOKS LIKE
YOUR COMPANY'S ARRIVED.

DOGGONE IT. [ Knocking ]

HELLO. HI!

HEY, GRADY, GRADY,
GRADY. GOOD TO SEE YOU.

GRADY, GRADY, ALWAYS
SHADY. [ Laughing ]

FRED, FRED, OLD CABBAGE HEAD.

GIVE ME FIVE SO
I CAN STAY ALIVE.

I'LL LET YOU HAVE TWO
TILL LOU GETS THROUGH.

CAN YOU STILL DO
THAT DANCE? YEAH.

AND WHAT ABOUT...
SUSIE Q. SUSIE Q.

GRADY, GOOD TO SEE YOU.
HEY, WHO IS THIS, FRED?

DON'T TELL ME THIS
IS LITTLE LAMONT.

MY GOODNESS, HOW YOU'VE
GROWN. THE LAST TIME I SAW YOU...

YOU WAS ABOUT KNEE
HIGH TO A JUNE BUG.

FRED, THIS IS MY
NEW BRIDE MARGARET.

MARGARET, THIS MY FAVORITE
COUSIN FRED AND HIS SON LAMONT.

I'VE HEARD SO MANY FINE
THINGS ABOUT YOU, MR. SANFORD.

PLEASE CALL ME
FRED, MARGARET. I WILL.

LET'S ALL SIT DOWN AND
TALK ABOUT OLD TIMES.

LET'S DO THAT. BETTY JEAN,
COME ON. WHAT'S KEEPING YOU?

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.
YOU'RE LOOKIN' GOOD.

THIS IS MY STEPDAUGHTER
BETTY JEAN.

BETTY JEAN, I'D LIKE YOU TO MEET
FRED SANFORD AND HIS SON LAMONT.

HELLO, EVERYBODY. [
Lamont ] HI, BETTY JEAN.

I'M SO HUNGRY.

BETTY JEAN, YOU CAN'T BE HUNGRY.
DIDN'T YOU TAKE YOUR DIET PILL?

YES, I DID, AND IT
MADE ME HUNGRY.

OH, BETTY JEAN, PUT THAT AWAY.
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE DIETING.

I AM DIETING. THIS
CANDY IS DIETETIC,

BITTERSWEET CHOCOLATE
FLAVOR AND LOW-CAL.

AND BESIDES, I'VE
ALREADY LOST 40 POUNDS.

BETTY JEAN, YOU MIND
IF I ASK YOU A QUESTION?

HOW LONG HAVE YOU BEEN DIETING?

SHE BELONGS TO THIS WEIGHT WATCHERS
CLUB BACK HOME, AND THEY MEET ONCE A MONTH.

WHAT DO THEY DO,
EAT FOR 30 DAYS?

OH, NO. WE TALK ABOUT
WHAT WE DIDN'T EAT.

I BET THAT'S A SHORT
CONVERSATION.

GRADY.

SAY, EXCUSE ME, BETTY JEAN,

BUT HOW MUCH DID YOU WEIGH
BEFORE YOU LOST THE 40 POUNDS?

I DON'T REMEMBER. SEE, I'M
ONE OF THOSE UNLUCKY PEOPLE.

THE LEAST LITTLE THING I EAT, AND
I JUST BLOW UP. I THINK IT'S GLANDS.

WELL, YOU BETTER STOP
MESSIN' WITH THEM GLANDS.

SAY, WHY DON'T WE GO INTO THE KITCHEN
AND FIX THEM SOMETHING TO EAT, POP.

- YEAH, LET'S DO THAT.
- DON'T GO TO ANY TROUBLE.

DON'T WORRY. WE'LL JUST THROW SOMETHING
TOGETHER. IT'LL BE NO TROUBLE AT ALL.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE
HIM, AIN'T IT, SON?

HEY, POP, DO YOU BELIEVE HER?

THAT'S A BIG
GIRL, AIN'T IT, SON?

AND SHE SAYS SHE LOST 40 POUNDS.

IF SHE'LL LOOK BEHIND
HER, SHE'LL FIND 'EM.

SHH.

SAY, LISTEN. WHAT ARE WE
GONNA FIX FOR HER TO EAT?

UM, WHAT ABOUT A WHALE?

SHH, SHH.

YOU KNOW WHAT WE OUGHTA DO? WE OUGHTA LOCK
HER UP IN THE REFRIGERATOR AND LET HER GO.

THAT LAMONT IS A HANDSOME
YOUNG MAN, ISN'T HE?

HE CERTAINLY IS. AND HE'LL
MAKE SOMEONE A FINE HUSBAND.

WOULDN'T HE, BETTY JEAN? I GUESS
SO, BUT I'LL BET HE CAN'T COOK.

HANDSOME MEN DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT
GOOD COOKING. YOU SHOULDN'T BE SO CHOOSY.

COOKING ISN'T EVERYTHING.

HE'S GOOD LOOKING, HE'S INTELLIGENT
AND HE'S GOT A CUTE MOUSTACHE.

DON'T YOU LIKE HIS
MOUSTACHE? IT'S TOO BUSHY.

THERE DON'T SEEM TO BE ENOUGH OF
ANYTHING IN HERE TO SATISFY BETTY JEAN.

- WHAT ARE WE GONNA DO, POP?
- WE BETTER DO SOMETHING QUICK.

FAT PEOPLE GET VIOLENT WHEN
THEY HAVE NOTHING TO EAT.

HEY, I KNOW. WHY DON'T WE
TELL HER WE GOTTA GO SHOPPING.

HEY, LET'S DO THAT. ALL RIGHT.

SAY, FOLKS, I'M SORRY, BUT WE
COULDN'T FIND NOTHIN' TO FIX.

WE DIDN'T GO SHOPPING THIS
WEEK. I LOVE TO GO SHOPPING.

MAY I GO SHOPPING WITH
YOU? THAT'S A GOOD IDEA.

LAMONT, YOU TAKE
BETTY JEAN SHOPPING.

SEE, AND I'LL STAY HERE AND
TALK WITH GRADY AND MARGARET.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? NO,
GO AHEAD, SON. TAKE HER WITH YOU.

THEN ON THE WAY BACK, YOU CAN
STOP OFF AND GET SOME TACOS.

OOH, TACOS. I LOVE MEXICAN
FOOD. GO AHEAD, SON.

BUT... GO AHEAD.

WILL WE SEE ANY MEXICANS?

THE ROUTE THAT I'M TAKING,
THAT'S ALL WE GONNA SEE.

FRED, I HOPE WE'RE NOT IMPOSING
ON YOU BY STAYING THE NIGHT.

OH, NOT AT ALL.
GLAD TO HAVE YOU.

SEE, YOU AND GRADY CAN
TAKE THE FRONT ROOM...

AND LAMONT AND I,
WE'LL SLEEP IN THE BACK.

AND YOU CAN GO UP NOW, IF YOU'D
LIKE TO, AND SORT OF FRESHEN UP.

YEAH, WHY DON'T YOU DO THAT. YOU GO
FRESHEN UP, AND ME AND FRED WILL REMINISCE.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL DO THAT. OKAY.

YOU'LL FIND EVERYTHING
UP THERE. THANK YOU.

SAY, GRADY, THAT'S A GOOD-LOOKIN'
WOMAN YOU GOT THERE.

WHERE'D YOU MEET HER? SHE'S
PRETTY. YOU THINK SHE'S PRETTY?

YOU SHOULD SEE
HER SISTER. BEAUTIFUL.

NO KIDDING? IF SHE'S SO PRETTY,

WHY IS IT THAT YOUR
STEPDAUGHTER IS, UH...

LARGE. NO, UH... PLUMP. NO.

FAT. THAT'S THE ONE.

I DON'T KNOW. BUT SHE'S A
NICE GIRL, THAT BETTY JEAN,

AND JUST DYIN' TO GET MARRIED.

BUT IT'S A FUNNY THING.
SHE'S VERY PARTICULAR.

SHE DON'T JUST TAKE JUST ANYBODY,
'CAUSE SHE'S GOT SO MUCH TO OFFER.

YEAH. MAYBE THAT'S WHAT THE
PROBLEM IS... SHE GOT TOO MUCH TO OFFER.

NO, I DON'T MEAN THAT. I MEAN, THERE'S
MORE TO HER THAN MEETS THE EYE.

THERE CAN'T BE.

NO, I AIN'T JUST TALKIN'
ABOUT HER PHYSIQUE.

I'M TALKIN' MONETARILY.

SEE, THE LUCKY MAN
THAT MARRIES HER...

GETS A $10,000 DOWRY.

TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS, FRED.

YOU KIDDIN'. CASH MONEY
THE DAY AFTER THE WEDDING.

SEE, HER FATHER LEFT IT
TO HER WHEN HE PASSED.

BUT HE STIPULATED SHE DON'T
GET IT TILL SHE GETS MARRIED.

TEN THOUSAND DOLLARS.

THAT'S A LOT OF MONEY.

YEP.

A MAN COULD DO
A LOT WITH $10,000,

ESPECIALLY IF HE HAD A LITTLE
BUSINESS HE WAS TRYING TO BUILD UP.

YEAH.

A MAN COULD GET A
NEW TRUCK WITH $10,000.

FIX UP HIS HOME LIKE BRAND-NEW.

PAY OFF BILLS. YEAH,
AND TAKE A TRIP.

RIGHT. BUT IT'S NOT GONNA BE
EASY TO FIND A HUSBAND FOR HER.

- SHE'S SO SHY AND ALL.
- AND SO MISUNDERSTOOD.

RIGHT, RIGHT.

SAY, GRADY, WHAT ABOUT LAMONT?

LAMONT? IT NEVER
CROSSED MY MIND.

HE'D BE PERFECT. YOU
THINK HE'LL GO FOR IT?

SURE HE'LL GO FOR IT. LEAVE IT
TO ME. HEY, FRED, THAT'S GREAT!

HEY, GRADY. SEE, UP TO NOW,
GRADY, WE JUST BEEN COUSINS.

BUT NOW WE'RE GONNA BE IN-LAWS.
FRED, FRED, THAT'S USING YOUR HEAD.

GRADY, GRADY, YOU STILL SHADY.

HEY, GOOD MORNING,
POP. GOOD MORNING, SON.

- WHAT YOU ALL DRESSED UP FOR?
- I'M TAKING OUR GUESTS
OUT SIGHTSEEING.

I GOT YOUR BREAKFAST READY.
IT'S WARMING IN THE OVEN.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS,
BUT IT SURE SMELLS GOOD.

YEAH, IT'S GOOD.

THERE YOU ARE. OH,
WOW. STEAK AND EGGS!

NO, NO, CUBED STEAK AND
COUNTRY SCRAMBLED EGGS...

WITH BUTTERMILK
BISCUITS AND PURE HONEY.

THIS SURE IS AN
ELEGANT BREAKFAST, POP.

YEAH, I'M SORRY I DON'T HAVE THE
CHAMPAGNE THAT'S SUPPOSED TO GO WITH IT.

BUT WOULD YOU LIKE SOME RIPPLE?

SOME ORANGE JUICE WILL
BE FINE, POP. OKAY, SON.

I'M SURPRISED YOU GOT
ANY FOOD LEFT AT ALL.

I GUESS THE BLIMP HASN'T
BEEN DOWN HERE YET.

SAY, DON'T CALL HER THAT.
BETTY JEAN, SHE'S NICE.

MAYBE SHE DON'T MAKE A
GOOD FIRST IMPRESSION,

BUT AFTER A WHILE
SHE GROWS ON YOU.

WELL, I GUESS IT'S BETTER TO HAVE
HER GROW ON YOU THAN FALL ON YOU.

NO, GRADY WAS TELLING
ME ABOUT BETTY JEAN.

SHE'S SWEET, AND SHE'LL
MAKE SOME MAN A NICE WIFE.

UH-HUH. SOME MAN WHO BETTER
BE THE OWNER OF A SUPERMARKET.

YOU WANT ANYTHING ELSE,
SON? NO, THIS IS FINE, POP.

SEE, YOU KNOW,

YOU MIGHT THINK I'M CRAZY
FOR SAYING THIS, BUT...

I WOULDN'T MIND HAVING BETTY
JEAN FOR A DAUGHTER-IN-LAW.

I MEAN IT.

HAVE YOU BEEN IN THE
APPLEJACK THIS MORNING?

NO, LISTEN, SON. YOU'RE NOT
GETTING ANY YOUNGER, YOU KNOW.

I'VE HEARD YOU SAY
YOU'D LIKE TO GET

MARRIED AND SETTLE DOWN
TO ONE STEADY WOMAN.

YEAH, ONE, NOT
TWO LIKE BETTY JEAN.

THAT'S JUST WEIGHT
YOU TALKIN' ABOUT.

SEE, SHE'S NOT UGLY. YOU
CAN GET RID OF WEIGHT,

BUT YOU CAN'T GET RID OF UGLY.

YOU MEAN ME MARRY BETTY JEAN?

YOU COULD LEARN TO LOVE HER.

SEE, LOVE CONQUERS
ALL, EVEN FAT.

SEE, IT'S LIKE THAT MOVIE,
THE ENCHANTED COTTAGE...

WITH ROBERT YOUNG
AND DOROTHY McGUIRE.

THEY WERE BOTH UGLY,

BUT WHEN THEY WERE IN THE ENCHANTED
COTTAGE THEY WEREN'T UGLY AT ALL.

THEY WERE BEAUTIFUL
TO EACH OTHER.

AND IT WORKS THE
SAME WAY WITH FAT.

AND SO THIS COULD BE OUR LITTLE
ENCHANTED COTTAGE RIGHT HERE, HUH?

YEAH, NOW YOU GOT IT.

[ Grady ] HEY, FRED, WE'RE READY
TO GO. WE'RE IN THE KITCHEN, GRADY.

I'M NOT ASKIN' YOU TO MAKE UP YOUR
MIND RIGHT AWAY, SON, BUT THINK ABOUT IT.

YOU'RE MAD, POP. YOU
ARE STARK, RAVING MAD.

GOOD MORNING! GOOD MORNING.

WE'RE ALL READY TO GO. GOOD
MORNING, LAMONT. HOW ARE YOU?

BETTY JEAN GOING WITH US? NO.

TOO MUCH WALKING IS
BAD FOR HER. HER THIGHS

RUB AGAINST EACH OTHER
AND SHE GETS A RASH.

THAT'LL BE GOOD. THEN BETTY JEAN CAN
STAY HERE AND KEEP LAMONT COMPANY.

WHAT'S THE MATTER
WITH YOU? GOOD MORNING.

HI, LAMONT, MR. SANFORD.
GOOD MORNING, BETTY JEAN.

SINCE YOU'RE NOT
GOIN' WITH US, WHY DON'T

YOU STAY HERE AND HAVE
BREAKFAST WITH LAMONT.

WELL, IT'S TIME TO
GO TO WORK. NO, SON.

COME HERE AND SIT DOWN AND HAVE
A CUP OF COFFEE WITH BETTY JEAN.

SIT DOWN! LET'S GET GOING, FRED.

YEAH, WE'LL SEE YOU TWO
LATER. YOU'RE GONNA BE ALL RIGHT.

AND REMEMBER, NO NIBBLING.
GOOD-BYE. OKAY, MOTHER.

WELL, IT'S TIME FOR
ME TO BE GOING.

WHAT DO YOU DO? I MEAN,
JUST DRIVE AROUND ALL DAY?

YEAH. I DRIVE AROUND AND
LOOK FOR STUFF. SEE YA LATER.

THAT MUST BE INTERESTING TO GO TO
DIFFERENT PLACES AND SEE DIFFERENT PEOPLE.

DIFFERENT HOUSES AND THINGS. OH,
YEAH, IT'S TERRIFIC. I GOTTA BE GOING.

I LOVE TO TRAVEL. DON'T YOU
LOVE TO TRAVEL? IT'S GREAT.

SPEAKING OF TRAVELING,
I GOTTA BE TRAVELING.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO WHEN I GET
MARRIED... TRAVEL. I MEAN, REALLY TRAVEL.

YOU KNOW, LIKE EUROPE. IF YOU MARRY
A RICH DUDE, YOU'LL BE ABLE TO DO THAT.

I'LL HAVE MONEY OF
MY OWN. THAT'S GREAT.

THE DAY AFTER I GET MARRIED, I
COME INTO SOME MONEY... $10,000.

YOU DON'T SAY. YEAH.

SEE, MY REAL DADDY
LEFT IT FOR ME,

BUT HE SAID I HAD TO BE MARRIED
BEFORE I COULD GET MY HANDS ON IT.

TEN THOUSAND
DOLLARS? TEN THOUSAND.

BETTY JEAN, YOU'RE
GONNA HAVE TO BE CAREFUL,

'CAUSE THERE'S A
LOT OF EVIL OLD MEN...

THAT WOULD LIKE TO GET
THEIR HANDS ON THAT MONEY.

OH, DON'T I KNOW IT.

BUT WHAT YOU GOTTA DO IS STOP
'EM BEFORE THEY GET A CHANCE TO.

RIGHT. RIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I ENJOYED THE ROLLER DERBY
MUCH MORE THAN THE SIGHTSEEING TOUR.

YEAH, I LIKED THAT
ROLLER DERBY TOO.

YEAH, AND YOU KNOW, THAT ROCKY
KLUZEWSKI WAS SOMETHING ELSE.

YOU SEE HIM WHEN HE BUMPED
INTO THAT GUY WITH A LEFT HOOK?

YEAH, BUT ALL
THAT'S A FAKE, AIN'T IT?

YEAH. I WONDER HOW HE GOT
THAT GUY'S NOSE TO BLEED LIKE THAT.

YEAH, THAT WAS FUN.

HELLO, SON. HEY, POP. DID
YOU ALL HAVE A NICE TIME?

WE HAD A FINE TIME. WE WENT
DOWN TO THE CHINESE THEATRE...

WHERE THEY GOT THE STARS'
FOOTPRINTS IN THE CEMENT.

YEAH, AND MY FOOTPRINT WAS
THE SAME SIZE AS JOAN CRAWFORD'S.

AND GUESS WHO MY
FEET FIT? BORIS KARLOFF.

NO. RUDOLPH VALENTINO.

NO KIDDING? THAT'S RIGHT. I
GOT THE FEET OF THE SHEIK.

ALL RIGHT. WHAT'S THAT WINE FOR?

WELL, THE SON OF THE SHEIK HAS
GOT A LITTLE ANNOUNCEMENT TO MAKE.

- YOU HAVE? WHAT IS IT?
- YOU READY?

BETTY JEAN AND I
ARE GETTIN' MARRIED.

[ Gasping ]

WHERE'S BETTY JEAN, UPSTAIRS?
COME ON, HONEY. BETTY JEAN!

WELL, SON, THAT'S
BEAUTIFUL. YEAH.

WHAT MADE YOU CHANGE
YOUR MIND ABOUT BETTY JEAN?

WELL, POP, I GOT TO THINKIN'
ABOUT WHAT YOU SAID.

AND IF YOU WANT ME TO GET
MARRIED, I'LL GET MARRIED.

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT. OUT OF
RESPECT TO YOU, OF COURSE.

TO MAKE A FATHER
THAT I RESPECT HAPPY.

WELL, I'M THE HAPPIEST FATHER
IN THE WORLD. I'M PROUD OF YA.

HEY, LET'S DRINK TO OUR
FUTURE HAPPINESS, POP. YEAH.

JUST A LITTLE TOAST HERE.

ALL RIGHT, FIRST TO
THE BRIDE. TO THE BRIDE.

ALL RIGHT.

[ Sighs ] TO THE
GROOM. TO THE GROOM.

ALL RIGHT.

TO THE GRANDPARENTS.
TO THE GRANDPARENTS.

YEAH. TO OUR HAPPY
LIFE IN ST. LOUIS.

TO OUR HAPPY LIFE...

ST. LOUIS? DID I HEAR
YOU SAY ST. LOUIS?

THAT'S RIGHT, POP. BETTY JEAN
AND I ARE GONNA MOVE TO ST. LOUIS...

AND START A LITTLE
FAMILY OF SANFORDS.

BY THE TIME YOU COME TO VISIT US,
POP, YOU'LL HAVE TEN GRANDCHILDREN.

BUT WHAT ABOUT ME?
WHAT'S GONNA HAPPEN TO ME?

WELL, I... I DON'T KNOW, POP.

I GUESS YOU'LL HAVE
TO SELL THE PLACE...

AND MOVE INTO ONE OF
THOSE OLD FOLKS HOMES.

OH! I FEEL A BAD ONE COMIN' ON.

WHAT'S THE MATTER,
POP? WHAT'S THE MATTER?

I THOUGHT THIS WAS WHAT YOU
WANTED... FOR ME TO MARRY BETTY JEAN.

YEAH, BUT, SEE... BUT WHAT?
NOW, BETTY JEAN AND I...

ARE GONNA LIVE IN OUR OWN
ENCHANTED COTTAGE IN ST. LOUIS.

SEE, I DON'T WANT
YOU TO LEAVE ME.

SEE, I WON'T MAKE IT
THROUGH THE WEDDIN'.

YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?
I'M COMIN' TO JOIN YOU, HONEY,

WITH A GLASS OF
RIPPLE IN MY HAND.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, POP.
HERE I AM DOING EVERYTHING...

THAT I THOUGHT YOU WANTED,
AND LOOK HOW YOU'RE CARRYING ON.

BUT I DON'T WANT YOU TO LEAVE ME. ARE YOU
TRULY SURE YOU WANNA MARRY BETTY JEAN?

WELL, NOT TRULY. I WAS
ONLY DOIN' IT FOR YOU, POP.

THEN DON'T DO IT. DON'T DO IT
FOR ME. PLEASE DON'T DO IT FOR ME.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I CAN DO ABOUT
IT NOW. I'VE ALREADY ASKED HER.

I GOTTA GET UPSTAIRS AND
START PACKIN' FOR ST. LOUIS NOW.

WAIT A MINUTE. WAIT A MINUTE.

DO YOU WANNA GET OUT OF IT?

I WANNA DO ANYTHING THAT MAKES YOU
HAPPY, POP. LEAVE EVERYTHING TO ME.

YOU BETTER HURRY UP,
BECAUSE IT MIGHT BE TOO LATE.

HEY, GRADY, YOU COMIN'
DOWN? HERE I COME, FRED!

OH, MR. SANFORD. OR
SHOULD I CALL YOU POP?

AIN'T THIS EXCITING,
FRED? IT'S JUST THRILLING.

YOU AIN'T EVEN KISSED THE BRIDE. I
WILL WHEN SHE CUT THE WEDDIN' CAKE.

IT'S GONNA BE A BIG ONE... ONE
OF THOSE SEVEN-TIERED AFFAIRS...

SHAPED LIKE A GIANT PYRAMID.
THAT SOUNDS GOOD, MOTHER.

IT'S GONNA BE TOO BAD THAT YOU WON'T BE
ABLE TO EAT NONE OF YOUR OWN WEDDIN' CAKE.

- WHY NOT?
- BECAUSE MY SON, HE'S GONNA
HELP YOU WITH YOUR DIETING.

HE'S A WEIGHT WATCHERS
WEIGHT WATCHER.

WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? IT
MEANS HE'S GONNA HELP YOU.

ONCE I TRIED TO LOSE 22 POUNDS,
AND HE LOCKED THE REFRIGERATOR.

HE CAUGHT ME TRYIN' TO GET IN
IT, AND HE CHAINED ME TO THE BED.

I DIDN'T HAVE NOTHIN' TO EAT FOR
A WEEK BUT RY-KRISP AND WATER.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?
OF COURSE I'M SERIOUS.

BUT HE'S NOT GONNA CHAIN YOU. HE'S JUST
GONNA PUT YOU ON A STRICT WATER DIET.

ONLY SEVEN GALLONS A DAY.

SEE, SEVEN GALLONS. AND
IF YOU DON'T DRINK IT ALL,

HE'S GONNA SHOVE A FUNNEL IN YOUR
MOUTH AND POUR IT DOWN YOUR THROAT.

MOTHER! HE WAS TELLIN' ME...

HOW HE WANTED TO GET YOU
DOWN TO AROUND 98 POUNDS.

THEN PEOPLE WOULDN'T KNOW
YOU FROM SHIRLEY CHISHOLM.

MOTHER, LET'S GET OUT OF
HERE. THIS MAN SCARES ME.

YOU GO WAIT IN THE CAR, HONEY.

I'M SORRY, MR. SANFORD,

BUT I DON'T THINK
IT'S GONNA WORK OUT.

PLEASE TELL YOUR SON THAT WE'VE
DECIDED HE IS NOT THE MAN FOR BETTY JEAN.

WAIT A MINUTE. THAT'S
A SHAME BECAUSE...

MY SON BOUGHT A
NICE GIFT FOR HER.

HE GONNA GIVE HER A
MONOGRAMMED SWEATBOX.

COME ON, GRADY.

WELL, I'M SORRY, GRADY.
FRED, FRED, THE PLAN IS DEAD.

GRADY, GRADY, YOU
BETTER JOIN YOUR LADY.

SEE YA LATER, FRED.
YEAH, HAVE A GOOD TRIP.

SAY HELLO TO ALL THE
FOLKS FOR ME. OKAY.

♪ HERE COMES THE BRIDE ♪♪

HEY, POP, WHERE'S THE BRIDAL
PARTY? I TOLD YOU I'D TAKE CARE OF IT.

THE WEDDING'S OFF.
THEY'RE GONE. REALLY?

YEAH. YOU WON'T HAVE TO GO
TO ST. LOUIS NOW. THAT'S GREAT.

SON, I GUESS YOU'RE
STUCK HERE WITH ME...

IN OUR OWN LITTLE
ENCHANTED COTTAGE.

HEY, POP, YOU'RE
BEAUTIFUL. OH, SON.

COME HERE.

WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER,
POP. DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN DON'T WAIT UP?
AIN'T YOU GONNA STAY HOME FOR SUPPER?

POP, I GOT A DATE TONIGHT.
I'M ALREADY LATE NOW.

YOU CAN'T DO THAT. I MADE SOME
ARRANGEMENT. I GOT A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

IS ANOTHER RELATIVE COMIN'?
HOW MUCH DOES THIS ONE WEIGH?

NO, WAIT A MINUTE, SON.
IT'S BUBBA'S NIECE, ALBERTA.

I MET HER. SHE'S NICE.

AND I FELT SO BAD ABOUT
GRADY AND HIS STEPDAUGHTER,

SO I INVITED HER TO COME
OVER AND HAVE DINNER WITH US.

LISTEN, POP. GIVE THE LADY
MY APOLOGIES AND TELL HER...

THAT A PREVIOUS DINNER ENGAGEMENT
MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR ME TO STAY.

WAIT A MINUTE, SON. [ Knocking ]

THAT'S HER NOW. WAIT A
MINUTE. THIS IS EMBARRASSING.

LOOK. I'M GETTING SICK AND TIRED OF
YOU TRYING TO SET ME UP WITH DATES.

THERE'S NO WAY I'M GONNA STAY HERE
AND MEET THIS CHICK. YOU GOT THAT?

BUT, SON... NO, NO, I'M LEAVING.

HELLO, MR. SANFORD.

HELLO, ALBERTA. THIS
IS MY SON LAMONT.

COME RIGHT IN, DARLING.
GEE, I HOPE I'M NOT LATE.

OH, NO, YOU'RE
JUST IN TIME. UH...

LISTEN. SEE, LAMONT HERE
HAS A PREVIOUS ENGAGEMENT,

SO HE WON'T BE ABLE
TO STAY WITH US...

BECAUSE THE DATE MAKES IT
IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO STAY HERE.

SO I HOPE YOU DON'T MIND
HAVING DINNER WITH ME ALONE.

OH, NO, THAT'LL BE
JUST FINE. OH, SWELL.

WELL, LAMONT, I KNOW
YOU GOT TO GO, SON,

'CAUSE THIS PREVIOUS
ENGAGEMENT THAT YOU HAD...

IS MAKIN' IT IMPOSSIBLE
FOR YOU TO STAY WITH US.

SO I'M SORRY, 'CAUSE WE
GOT A GOOD DINNER PLANNED.

UH...

SIT RIGHT DOWN, DARLING, AND
I'LL GO CHECK ON THE MEATBALLS.

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.