Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 11 - Sanford and Son and Sister Makes Three - full transcript
A husband-seeking old flame of Fred's returns with a shocking revelation about her daughter, who has sparked a flaming passion in Lamont's heart.
LET ME SEE. 42 ACROSS.
PERRY MASON'S
SECRETARY. DELLA BLANK.
HER NAME WASN'T DELLA BLANK.
I KNOW THAT, MELVIN. BLANK
IS WHERE HER NAME GOES.
DELLA WHAT? MAYBE
IT WAS DELLA MASON.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU,
MELVIN? THEY WASN'T MARRIED.
ALTHOUGH I BELIEVE, YOU KNOW...
- YOU THINK SO?
- SURE. YOU CAN'T
SEE THAT ON TV.
BUT I BET YOU AT THE ANNUAL
CHRISTMAS PARTY THAT...
A LITTLE HANKY-PANKY.
YEAH, YEAH.
GET ON TO THE NEXT
ONE. OKAY, THEN.
[ Whirring ] THERE
IT GOES AGAIN.
HOW IS A MAN SUPPOSED TO THINK
WITH ALL THAT NOISE GOING ON?
WHAT IS THAT, FRED? SOME GUY
BOUGHT THE OLD PLACE NEXT DOOR.
NO KIDDING. THAT PLACE
HAS BEEN VACANT FOR YEARS.
THAT'S WHERE EVERYBODY IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD BEEN THROWING ALL THEIR TRASH.
I KNOW IT. I BEEN GOING OVER
THERE, PICKING IT UP, CLEANING IT UP...
AND SELLING IT BACK TO 'EM.
NOW I CAN'T DO THAT
NO MORE. [ Sawing ]
FRED, WHAT'S HE MAKING
OVER THERE ANYWAY?
HE AIN'T MAKING NOTHING BUT A
BUNCH OF NOISE, AND I'M GONNA TELL HIM.
HEY, YOU! YOU BETTER CUT THAT NOISE
DOWN IF YOU DON'T WANT SOME TROUBLE!
DON'T HAVE ME COME OVER THERE AND
GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF TROUBLE, BUDDY,
AND I MEAN IT 'CAUSE I'LL
BE OVER THERE ON YOU!
NOW, THAT'S TELLING
HIM, FRED. YEAH.
SEE, YOU GOT TO NIP
THEM THINGS IN THE BUD.
I MEAN, NIP 'EM IN THE BUD.
SEE, THAT BUD IS NIPPED.
[ Whirring ]
I THINK THAT BUD NEEDS
A LITTLE MORE NIPPING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I'M GONNA
GET MY BUD NIPPER AND GO NIP SOME BUD.
WHAT'S A... WHAT'S A BUD NIPPER?
JUST WAIT A MINUTE. I'LL SHOW
YOU WHAT A BUD NIPPER IS.
HERE IT IS. MY
LOUISVILLE BUD NIPPER.
HOW ALL THOSE DENTS GET IN
THERE? THAT'S FROM NIPPING BUDS.
MOVE OUT THE WAY, MELVIN. I'M
GONNA TEACH THIS GUY... [ Clattering ]
WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT?
I'M GOING OVER THERE AND INTRODUCE
MYSELF TO OUR NEW NEIGHBOR...
AND THEN OPEN UP HIS SKULL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS
GUY BEEN OVER THERE THREE DAYS.
THIS NOISE IS DRIVING ME
CRAZY. WOULD YOU GET INSIDE?
GIVE ME THIS BAT.
NOW, GET INSIDE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU, POP? [ Hammering ]
YOU CAN'T GO BEATING UP ON SOMEBODY
JUST 'CAUSE THEY MAKING NOISE.
[ Hammering Stops ]
THERE. IT STOPPED.
WHO BOUGHT THAT PLACE ANYWAY?
SOME STUPID JERK, THAT'S WHO.
WHAT ARE YOU CALLING HIM THAT
FOR? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.
I MET HIM AND HE'S A NICE GUY. I
THINK HE'LL MAKE US A GOOD NEIGHBOR.
- IS HE A BROTHER?
- NO, BUT WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?
WELL, IT MAKE A WHOLE
LOT OF DIFFERENCE TO ME.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN THAT BUMPER STICKER:
"GOOD NEIGHBORS COME IN ALL COLORS"?
HE'LL COME IN ALL COLORS TOO IF
I PUT MY BUD NIPPER UP HIS HEAD.
WHEN DID YOU MEET HIM
ANYWAY? I MET HIM YESTERDAY.
I INTRODUCED MYSELF AND
HE INVITED ME IN HIS HOUSE.
HE'S A GOOD COOK. YOU ATE THERE?
THAT'S RIGHT. HE GAVE ME A DISH
OF SOME STUFF THAT WAS TERRIFIC.
- IT'S CALLED MOFONGO.
- MOFONGO?
IF SOMEBODY GAVE ME MOFONGO, I'D
SPRINKLE SOME FOOT POWDER ON IT.
WELL, THAT SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW.
THAT'S A NATIONAL
DISH. HE'S PUERTO RICAN.
MELVIN, DID YOU HEAR
WHAT LAMONT SAID?
HE SAID THE GUY THAT MOVED
NEXT DOOR IS PUERTO RICAN.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
- WHAT?
- THIS WAS
A GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD,
BUT NOW ALL THE PROPERTY
VALUES GONNA GO, BFFT!
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT
MAKE IF HE'S PUERTO RICAN?
MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE. THE PUERTO RICANS
RUN DOWN EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD THEY GET INTO.
LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO HARLEM.
- WHAT DID THEY DO TO HARLEM?
- WHAT DID THEY DO TO IT?
LISTEN. BEFORE THE PUERTO RICANS
MOVED IN TO HARLEM, IT WAS A PARADISE.
- RIGHT, MELVIN?
- THAT'S RIGHT, FRED. IT WAS A PARADISE.
HARLEM WAS A GHETTO LONG BEFORE ANY
PUERTO RICANS MOVED IN, AND YOU KNOW IT.
I GUESS IT WAS SORT OF.
MELVIN, YOU KNOW GOOD AND WELL BEFORE
THE PUERTO RICANS MOVED TO HARLEM,
THERE WAS NOT ONE
COCKROACH IN HARLEM.
SEE, THEY BROUGHT 'EM THERE.
SEE, THEY PUERTO
RICAN COCKROACHES.
AND THEY ALSO KEEP 'EM FOR PETS.
NOW, I CAN'T ARGUE
WITH THAT, LAMONT.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU TALKING ABOUT, MELVIN.
WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU WAS IN HARLEM?
TWENTY YEARS AGO.
AND HOW DID IT LOOK?
- BEAUTIFUL.
- BEAUTIFUL.
IT WAS A GHETTO. WELL,
YOU COULD CALL IT THAT.
- BUT BEAUTIFUL.
- BUT BEAUTIFUL.
HOW CAN A GHETTO BE BEAUTIFUL?
YEAH, FRED. HOW CAN
A GHETTO BE BEAUTIFUL?
- SHUT UP, MELVIN.
- PLEASE SHUT UP, MELVIN.
LOOK, IF YOU GUYS DON'T WANT
MY OPINION, I'LL JUST SHUT UP.
GOOD. GOOD.
WELL, I GOT TO GO ANYWAY. I'LL SEE
YOU LATER. I'M GOING ON OUT OF HERE.
LISTEN, MELVIN.
LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN.
THE FLIES AIN'T
BEEN OUT ALL DAY.
LISTEN. DON'T GO
TELLING ME ABOUT HARLEM.
WHO YOU THINK
BROUGHT THE RATS THERE?
I GUESS YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME
THAT WAS THE PUERTO RICANS TOO.
I SURE AM. AND THEY BROUGHT
'EM THERE ON PURPOSE.
- AND WHY WAS THAT?
- TO KILL ALL
THE PUERTO RICAN COCKROACHES.
SEE, THEY SIC THE RATS
ON THE COCKROACHES.
IT'S LIKE THEIR NATIONAL
PASTIME. YOU KNOW, LIKE BASEBALL.
- WOULD YOU STOP IT?
- I MEAN IT.
THEY GATHER AT A BIG STADIUM AND THEY
STAND UP AND SING THEIR NATIONAL ANTHEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE PUERTO
RICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS?
♪ WE'LL TAKE MANHATTAN ♪
♪ THE BRONX AND
STATEN ISLAND TOO ♪♪
I'M NOT KIDDING YOU, LAMONT.
THEM PUERTO RICANS GONNA TAKE
OVER THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
♪♪ [ Spanish ]
THERE IT GOES AGAIN.
WILL YOU LISTEN TO THAT?
GEE WHIZ, I CAN'T... WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE'S ONLY PLAYING HIS RADIO.
YEAH, HE'S ONLY PLAYING HIS RADIO.
BUT PRETTY SOON THIS PLACE WILL BE
JUST CRAWLING WITH PUERTO RICANS,
WEARING THEM POINTY-TOE
SHOES AND DANCING IN THE STREET.
♪♪ [ Humming ]
I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE
BECAUSE THEY DISTURBING THE PEACE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DOING, DISTURBING
THE PEACE. WAIT A MINUTE, POP.
IF ALL THAT'S BOTHERING
YOU IS HIM MAKING NOISE,
I'LL GO OVER THERE
AND ASK HIM TO STOP.
HE PROBABLY DON'T EVEN
KNOW HE'S DISTURBING YOU.
I SUPPOSE YOU THINK YOU
DON'T EVER MAKE NOISE.
IF I DO MAKE NOISE,
I'LL MAKE IT IN ENGLISH.
LISTEN. I'M TELLING YOU, I
KNOW THESE PEOPLE, LAMONT.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE BE GROWING
A GARDEN OVER THERE IN HIS BACKYARD.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE'D
BE GROWING? LATIN LETTUCE.
- LATIN LETTUCE?
- YEAH. THAT'S
THAT STUFF THEY USE...
TO ROLL THEM FUNNY CIGARETTES.
YOU KNOW, CALL 'EM...
SOUTH OF THE BORDER BUTTS.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT
ANYMORE. LET'S GO AND FIX MY LUNCH.
THAT'S WHAT I CAME
HOME FOR. OKAY, OKAY.
BUT YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME ONE DAY.
YOU'RE GETTING WORKED UP OVER NOTHING.
JULIO'S A NICE GUY. HE
DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE.
JULIO? IS THAT HIS NAME?
THAT'S RIGHT. JULIO FUENTES.
JULIO FUENTES? THAT
DON'T SOUND LIKE NO NAME.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU
GET FROM DRINKING THEIR WATER.
I HAD FUENTES ONCE
FOR THREE DAYS.
YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR MIND
ABOUT JULIO ONCE YOU MEET HIM.
YOU THINK SO? WELL, I KNOW 'EM, AND
ANOTHER THING THEY DO IS COLLECT CATS.
- CATS? WHAT FOR?
- TO MAKE STRINGS
FOR THEIR GUITARS.
POP, JUST HELP ME FIX MY
LUNCH AND I'LL BE HAPPY, OKAY?
OKAY.
THERE'S YOUR SANDWICH.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
HELP! HELP!
LAMONT! LAMONT, COME HERE!
THERE'S A GOAT IN THE LIVING ROOM!
OH!
GET HIM OUT OF HERE. JUST RELAX.
NOW, RELAX. THAT'S ONLY CHICO.
THAT'S JULIO'S GOAT. HE
WON'T HURT YOU. DON'T TELL ME.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT GOATS,
AND THAT'S A KILLER GOAT.
LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S IN THAT ATTACK POSITION.
DON'T GO NEAR HIM. DON'T GO
NEAR HIM! HE'LL TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF.
POP, CHICO WOULDN'T HURT A FLY.
I'M NOT WORRIED IF HE HURT A FLY.
I'M WORRIED IF HE HURT A OLD MAN.
IT'S A KILLER GOAT, HUH?
LOOK AT THIS. HELLO, CHICO.
SEE THAT, POP?
[ Speaking Spanish ]
HEY, JULIO. I'M
SORRY, MAN. [ Spanish ]
HEY, LISTEN AT 'EM. THEY BOTH
UNDERSTAND THE SAME LANGUAGE.
HEY. HEY, SENOR.
YOU AND EL GOATAY...
VAMOOSAY RIGHT AWAY-AY.
DO YOU DIG?
I'M SORRY, MAN, BUT,
UH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOTHING. JULIO, THIS
IS MY POP, FRED SANFORD.
THIS IS JULIO FUENTES. THAT'S
YOUR FATHER. SENOR MR. SANFORD.
HEY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS. IT'S A PLEASURE.
I'M AIN'T GONNA PUT MY HAND ON
NOBODY HAND BEEN TOUCHING A GOAT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE GOAT, MR. SANFORD. [ Spanish ]
I ALWAYS KEEP HIM TIED
UP. I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HE MUST'VE GOT LOOSE
SOMEHOW AND GOT AWAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A GOAT
ANYWAY? WOULDN'T THEY SELL YOU A DOG?
OR IS THAT JUST A
PUERTO RICAN POODLE?
NO. I USE CHICO TO KEEP THE PLACE
CLEAN, MAN. HE EATS UP ALL THE GARBAGE.
WELL, I BET OVER AT YOUR
PLACE, THAT'S A FULL-TIME JOB.
HEY, HE'S ONLY KIDDING,
JULIO. I'M NOT KIDDING.
NEXT THING YOU'LL KNOW HE'LL
HAVE A YARD FULL OF CHICKENS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU GOT
SOMETHING AGAINST CHICKENS?
- NOT REALLY.
- MAYBE YOU GOT SOMETHING
AGAINST GOATS, HUH?
NO. NO?
WELL, THEN MAYBE, MR. SANFORD, YOU GOT
SOMETHING AGAINST PUERTO RICANS, HUH?
NOW YOU GOT IT. NO, NO, NO.
MR. SANFORD, TELL ME. WHAT HAVE
YOU GOT AGAINST PUERTO RICANS?
WELL, SINCE YOU
ASKED ME, I'LL TELL YOU.
FIRST THING, WHEN
THEY CAME HERE,
THEY BROUGHT THEM
COCKROACHES WITH 'EM.
THEM PUERTO RICAN COCKROACHES. AND
THEN THEY BROUGHT THEM RATS WITH THEM.
AND NOW LOOK WHAT YOU GOT
WITH YOU THIS TIME... A GOAT.
WELL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING, MR. SANFORD.
I WOULD RATHER LIVE WITH A
YOUNG GOAT WHO GIVES MILK...
THAN AN OLD GOAT
WHO GIVES TROUBLE.
WELL, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE A OLD GOAT...
TO GIVE YOU ONE
ACROSS YOUR LIPS?
YOU GIVE BAD VIBES,
MAN. I'M LEAVING.
GOOD. GO ON BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME
FROM. I COME FROM NEW YORK CITY, MAN.
THAT'S WHERE I COME FROM.
YEAH, AND YOU MESSED UP HARLEM.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA TRY
TO LOUSE IT UP OUT HERE.
[ Spanish ]
GO TELL IT TO THE UNITED NATIONS. I
WISH YOU WOULD START SOME STUFF.
SAY, LOOK, JULIO.
HEY, I'M SORRY, MAN.
HE'S AN OLD MAN AND HE'S
GOT A LOT OF HANG-UPS.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE TALKS
TO ME, MAN. I JUST DON'T LIKE IT.
HEY, LOOK, HE TALKS
TO ME THE SAME WAY.
HE'S CALLED ME A DUMMY
EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
EXCEPT ONCE. AND THAT WAS
THE DAY HE HAD LARYNGITIS.
AND EVEN THEN HE WROTE
IT ON A PIECE OF PAPER.
THAT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO TAKE. HE'S YOUR
FATHER. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT.
- PEOPLE SHOULD TRY
TO BE FRIENDS.
- I KNOW THAT. HE KNOWS IT TOO.
NOW, HE BLOWS UP AND HE LETS OFF
STEAM AND THEN HE REALIZES HE WAS WRONG.
SINCE WE'VE BEEN OUT HERE, HE'S THOUGHT
ABOUT IT AND REALIZE THAT HE'S WRONG.
I HOPE SO, MAN. WE'VE GOT TO BE
NEIGHBORS. WE MAY AS WELL BE FRIENDS.
LAMONT, COME ON IN THE HOUSE.
STOP TALKING TO THAT GOAT LOVER.
SEE THAT? IT'S THE SAME
THING ALL OVER AGAIN. [ Spanish ]
WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? WHAT?
AND MAN COMES OVER HERE AND
TRIES TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU...
AND YOU PRACTICALLY
THROW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WELL, I DON'T WANT HIM, I DON'T
NEED HIM, AND I DON'T LIKE HIM.
NOBODY ASKED YOU TO LIKE HIM.
AND THE MORE YOU KEEP TALKING, I AIN'T
GONNA BE TOO CRAZY ABOUT YOU EITHER.
AND ANOTHER THING, YOU HAD
YOUR HANDS ON THAT GOAT TOO.
WOULD YOU STOP IT?
STOP IT. GIVE ME THIS.
STOP IT.
JULIO'S GOT JUST AS MUCH RIGHT TO
LIVE HERE AND BE A JUNKMAN AS YOU HAVE.
JUNKMAN? IS THAT WHAT'S HE'S
OPENING NEXT DOOR, A JUNKYARD?
THAT'S RIGHT. HE BOUGHT THE PLACE
AND HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS.
NOW I KNOW HE GOTTA GO. WHY?
WHY? YOU WANT COMPETITION?
ANOTHER JUNKYARD? WELL, I DON'T.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
A GUY COMES IN, BRINGS HIS GOAT
AND THEN EATS STUFF OFF MY TABLE...
AND MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF NOISE
OVER THERE, DISTURBING THE PEACE.
HELLO. OPERATOR?
GET ME THE POLICE.
YOU CAN SAY ADIOS TO YOUR
PUERTO RICAN MARX BROTHERS...
JULIO, CHICO AND MOFONGO.
LAMONT, WHAT'S A SIX-LETTER WORD
FOR A TV SHOW STARRING WILLIAM CONRAD?
FINK. "FINK."
NAH. THAT'S FOUR
LETTERS. THAT DON'T FIT.
WELL, IT FITS YOU PERFECTLY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ABOUT HOW YOU REPORTED
JULIO TO THE POLICE.
I DIDN'T REPORT
JULIO TO THE POLICE.
I REPORTED JULIO'S
GOAT TO THE POLICE.
AND WHEN I FOUND OUT IT
WASN'T ILLEGAL TO HAVE A GOAT,
THAT'S WHEN I REPORTED
JULIO TO THE POLICE.
WHAT DID YOU REPORT? THAT HE WAS
MAKING NOISE BECAUSE HE'S REBUILDING...
OR THAT HE WAS PLAYING HIS RADIO
AND LISTENING TO A SPANISH STATION?
I JUST SAID THAT HIS
PLACE WAS A EYESORE.
- A WHAT?
- A EYESORE AND A MESS. YOU CAN DO THAT.
WHEN SOMEONE IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD IS DESTROYING
THE BEAUTY OF THE
COMMUNITY, YOU CAN REPORT HIM.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YEAH. THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD ME
WHEN I CALLED THE BUILDING INSPECTOR.
POP, YOU CALLED THE
BUILDING INSPECTOR?
YEAH, I CALLED THE
BUILDING INSPECTOR...
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THE BEAUTY
OF MY COMMUNITY DESTROYED.
I DON'T HOW YOU CAN SAY THAT,
POP, LIVING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS HEAP.
THERE ARE HEAPS
AND THERE ARE HEAPS.
BUT THIS IS A COORDINATED HEAP.
YOU'RE TURNING AGAINST A MAN BECAUSE
HE HAPPENS TO BE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE GUY NEXT
DOOR TURNED AGAINST PEOPLE FROM AFRICA?
I DON'T CARE, AS LONG AS THEY DON'T
TURN AGAINST PEOPLE FROM ST. LOUIS.
WHAT'S THE USE? LISTEN.
WAIT A MINUTE NOW.
THAT'S NOT THE
REASON I DON'T LIKE HIM.
THE REASON I DON'T LIKE HIM
BECAUSE HE'S GIVING US COMPETITION,
AND THAT'S THE ONLY REASON.
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON?
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON.
WE CAN'T LET EVERY TOM, DICK AND CHICO
MOVE IN HERE WITH THEIR BONGO DRUMS.
[ Knocking ]
I'LL GET IT.
TRY TO TELL YOU, YOU DON'T
EVEN LISTEN TO NOBODY.
HEY, LAMONT. WHAT?
IT'S FOR YOU. WHO IS IT?
IT'S YOUR FRIEND, THE GOAT
LOVER. STOP CALLING HIM THAT.
HEY, JULIO. COME ON IN. I'M
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, MAN,
BUT, UH, I'D LIKE TO
TALK TO YOUR FATHER.
POP, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
JULIO WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT'S HE WANNA TALK ABOUT? I'M REAL BUSY.
I GOT A CROSSWORD PUZZLE WAITING FOR ME.
I HAVE DECIDED THAT MAYBE
YOU'RE NOT SUCH A BAD CHAMACO.
WHO YOU CALLING A
CHAMACO? YOU CHAMACO.
IT JUST MEANS
"FELLOW," THAT'S ALL.
YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE MY FATHER.
HE DOESN'T KNOW A WORD OF SPANISH.
WHO DON'T KNOW A
WORD OF SPANISH?
SE HABLE ESPAñOL.
ADIOS, AMIGO. BUENAS
NOCHES, MUCHACHO.
I KNOW ALL THAT STUFF. AND I KNOW SOME
CUSS WORDS TOO. YOU WANNA HEAR SOME?
THE MAN CAME HERE
TO TALK TO YOU, POP.
YOU COULD AT LEAST LISTEN TO
WHAT HE'S GOT TO SAY. SIT DOWN, JULIO.
THANKS, LAMONT.
MR. SANFORD, I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, YOU KNOW,
AND MAYBE I MAKE A MISTAKE.
HERE I AM A NEWCOMER
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I MOVE IN NEXT DOOR TO YOU, AND INSTEAD
OF COMING OVER AND INTRODUCE MYSELF,
I MAKE ALL KINDS OF
NOISE AND BOTHER YOU.
I APOLOGIZE. AND TOGETHER WITH MY
APOLOGY, I BRING YOU A GIFT. YES, SIR.
YOU GROW THIS IN
YOUR OWN GARDEN?
WE DON'T SMOKE THIS STUFF.
NO, NO, I DIDN'T GROW IT, BUT I
MADE IT. THAT'S GOAT CHEESE.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE IT TO YOUR GOAT?
NO, SENOR, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. GOAT
CHEESE IS GOOD FOR YOU. IT'S VERY HEALTHY.
I ONLY LIKE AMERICAN CHEESE,
AND YOU CAN'T GET AMERICAN
CHEESE FROM A PUERTO RICAN GOAT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU? HE GAVE... WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE
CHEESE? I DON'T WANT THE CHEESE.
TAKE IT AND PUT IT
BACK IN YOUR GOAT.
YOU ARE AN IMPOSSIBLE
PERSON, MR. SANFORD.
LIKE A FOOL, I TRY TO BE
YOUR FRIEND, BUT YOU REFUSE.
YOU WILL NOT SEE ME AROUND
HERE AGAIN, YOU ZáNGANO.
WHAT? YOU HEARD ME.
YOU ARE A BIG DUMMY.
WHO YOU CALLING A
DUMMY? YOU BIG DUMMY.
WHERE I COME FROM,
THEM IS FIGHTING WORDS.
[ Spanish ]
JULIO, I'M SORRY. I'M
SORRY TOO, LAMONT.
I'M SORRY THAT YOU ARE
THE SON OF A ZáNGANO.
YOU SAID IT AGAIN, DIDN'T
YOU? BACK OFF NOW.
SAY IT AGAIN. I DARE YOU
TO SAY IT. ZáNGANO. ZáNGANO.
I JUST WANNA HEAR IT ONE
TIME. YOU SAY IT AGAIN AND I'LL...
YOU DID IT AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU? DID
WHAT? YOU HEARD WHAT HE CALLED ME.
I HEARD HIM, AND I ALSO HEARD
YOU. HE'S RIGHT. YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE.
[ Knocking ]
THERE HE IS AGAIN.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'LL ANSWER THE DOOR.
JUST LET HIM IN. LET HIM IN.
SAY IT AGAIN.
GOOD MORNING. MY NAME IS WATKINS.
I'M LOOKING FOR MR. FRED SANFORD.
I'M THE COUNTY
BUILDING INSPECTOR.
LAMONT, THIS IS THE BUILDING
INSPECTOR. COME IN, MR. WATKINS.
HAVE A SEAT RIGHT OVER
HERE. OH, THANK YOU.
WELL, EXACTLY WHAT IS YOUR
COMPLAINT, MR. SANFORD?
I MEAN, AGAINST YOUR
NEIGHBOR, MR. "JOOLIO" "FULANTES."
IT'S JULIO FUENTES.
WELL, WHAT'S YOUR
COMPLAINT AGAINST HIM?
MY COMPLAINT IS THAT I DON'T
WANT HIM LIVING NEXT DOOR TO ME.
WELL, THAT'S NOT REALLY A
COMPLAINT. THAT SOUNDS PERSONAL.
WELL, LET'S SAY THEN, I PERSONALLY
DON'T WANT HIM LIVING NEXT DOOR TO ME.
MR. SANFORD, MY DEPARTMENT DOES NOT
DEAL IN PERSONAL MATTERS, ONLY COMPLAINTS.
THEN CHANGE IT BACK TO
COMPLAINTS. ON WHAT GROUNDS?
ON THE GROUNDS THAT
HIS PLACE IS UNFIT TO LIVE IN.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, POP? YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN OVER THERE SINCE JULIO MOVED IN.
I DON'T HAVE TO OVER THERE.
ALL I HAVE TO KNOW IS MY NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBOR IS LIVING WITH A GOAT.
TALK ABOUT THE ODD COUPLE. YOU'LL SEE
FOR YOURSELF WHEN YOU GET OVER THERE.
WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE TO GET
OVER THERE AND CHECK HIM OUT.
YEAH. CHECK HIM OUT
AND THEN CHUCK HIM OUT.
CAN HE... CAN HE
ACTUALLY GET THROWN OUT?
WELL, YES, IT'S POSSIBLE. WE MIGHT HAVE TO
CONDEMN HIS BUILDING AND FORCE HIM OUT...
IF HE'S IN VIOLATION
OF THE BUILDING CODES.
LIKE WHAT, FOR INSTANCE?
THERE'S ALL SORTS OF VIOLATIONS.
FAULTY AND EXPOSED
WIRING... THAT'S HIM.
STRUCTURAL WEAKNESS...
HE GOT THAT TOO.
UNAUTHORIZED DUMPING
AREA. I CAN SEE THAT FROM HERE.
AND WHAT ABOUT LATIN
LETTUCE? I BEG YOUR PARDON?
NOTHING. HE'S JUST
IMAGINING THINGS.
WELL, I BETTER GET
ON WITH MY JOB, SIR.
MR. SANFORD, IF IT WEREN'T
FOR CONCERNED PEOPLE LIKE YOU,
WE WOULDN'T CATCH ALL
THE VIOLATIONS IN THIS AREA.
WE'RE SO UNDERSTAFFED. AND I WANNA
THANK YOU FOR BEING SO CONSCIENTIOUS.
WELL, YOU SEE, I DIDN'T WANT THE
BEAUTY OF MY COMMUNITY DESTROYED.
YEAH, YEAH.
YOU SEE, THIS IS A
NICE RESIDENTIAL AREA,
AND I DON'T WANT NO
CHEESE FACTORY NEXT DOOR.
WELL, I DON'T BLAME
YOU. WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD-BYE.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT THAT BUILDING
INSPECTOR SAID I WAS? CONSCIENTIOUS.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL YOU ARE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT NO MORE,
AND I'M GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT...
BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA BE
IN THIS HOUSE ANY LONGER.
YOU'RE GONNA STAY MAD BECAUSE
I REPORTED THAT PEST NEXT DOOR?
I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANNA
DISCUSS IT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY I
DID IT. I DID IT FOR YOU.
FOR ME? YEAH.
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD CAN ONLY
STAND SO MANY JUNKYARDS.
I AIN'T GONNA BE
AROUND MUCH LONGER,
AND I WANNA MAKE SURE
THAT AFTER I'M GONE...
THAT YOU WOULD BE
THE KING OF ALL THIS.
THANKS A LOT.
SEE, SON, YOU DON'T
APPRECIATE NOTHING.
A LOT OF SONS DON'T APPRECIATE WHAT
THEIR FATHERS DO FOR 'EM AND TELL 'EM.
TAKE JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER.
HE BUILT UP A GREAT,
BIG BUSINESS IN OIL.
DID HIS KID APPRECIATE IT? NO. HE
BLEW IT AND BECAME A GOVERNOR.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER,
JOHN D. OKAY. WELL, GO ON...
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU
WHEN I'M NOT AROUND TO PROTECT YOU.
THEY'LL TAKE YOU APART 'CAUSE
YOU NOT A FIGHTER LIKE ME.
LAMONT, LOOK WHAT I GOT, MAN. THE
BUILDING INSPECTOR GAVE IT TO ME.
I WASN'T EXPECTING ANYTHING LIKE
THIS. JULIO, I'M SORRY. DON'T BE MAD...
MAD? WHY SHOULD I BE
MAD? I'M PROUD. YEAH.
MR. SANFORD, HE SAID
YOU SENT HIM OVER,
AND HE GAVE ME A CITATION FOR DOING
SUCH A GOOD JOB FIXING UP MY PLACE, MAN.
LOOK AT THIS. A CITATION FOR
NEIGHBORHOOD IMPROVEMENT...
FROM THE BOARD OF SUPERVISORS, BUILDING
DEPARTMENT, COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES.
"THE OWNER OF THIS
PROPERTY HAS CONTRIBUTED...
"TO THE BETTERMENT OF HIS
COMMUNITY BY RENOVATING, RESTORING...
"AND GENERALLY
IMPROVING HIS HOME AREA...
AND HAS THEREBY EARNED THE
APPRECIATION OF HIS CITY AND COUNTY."
AND HE SAID BECAUSE YOU WAS
NICE ENOUGH TO SEND HIM TO ME,
WILL I BE NICE ENOUGH
TO GIVE THIS TO YOU.
YEAH. ONE FOR YOU
AND ONE FOR ME.
THAT'S CHEVERE, MAN. I LIKE THAT.
GOOD NEIGHBORS DO COME IN ALL COLORS.
LAMONT, READ MINE FOR ME. I
CAN'T SEE WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
OKAY. "BOARD OF SUPERVISORS,
BUILDING AND SAFETY,
"LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.
"DEAR MR. SANFORD,
YOU WILL BE FINED $200...
"IF THE FOLLOWING VIOLATIONS ARE
NOT CORRECTED WITHIN TEN DAYS.
"FAULTY AND EXPOSED
WIRING, STRUCTURAL DAMAGE,
"UNNECESSARY LITTER,
NUMEROUS FIRE HAZARDS,
"UNAUTHORIZED DUMPING
AREA, SIDEWALK OBSTRUCTION,
DANGEROUS AND
INFLAMMABLE MATERIALS."
GIVE ME THAT.
AIN'T NOTHING WRONG
WITH THIS PLACE.
THIS PLACE GOT A
STRONG FOUNDATION.
NO FAULTY WIRING. YOU COULDN'T FIND
A BETTER PLACE NOWHERE IN THE WORLD.
WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?
[ Knocking ]
OKAY, I'M COMING.
WHEW.
OH. MM.
LAMONT'S FIXING LUNCH. I'LL
CALL HIM. LAMONT, IT'S FOR YOU.
NO, SENOR. THIS IS
FOR YOU TOO. YEAH.
JULIO, WHAT'S UP? WELL, I BROUGHT
SOMETHING OVER FOR YOU AND YOUR FATHER.
I REALLY WANT US TO BE GOOD
FRIENDS AND GOOD NEIGHBORS.
WHAT IS IT? LET ME TAKE A LOOK.
SOME GOOD FOOD. I FIX IT MYSELF.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, I AIN'T EATING
NONE OF THAT "MOFUNGUS."
YOU MEAN MOFONGO. NO, SENOR, YOU
DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN.
- THIS IS NOT MOFONGO.
- NO? WHAT IS IT?
THIS IS SPARERIBS,
CANDIED SWEET POTATOES
AND MUSTARD GREENS.
LOOK AT THAT. [ Laughs ] OOH!
CANDIED SWEET POTATOES,
SPARERIBS AND MUSTARD GREENS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
LAMONT, JUST SMELL IT.
ALL RIGHT. HEY, THANKS A LOT.
DE NADA. IT'S NOTHING, REALLY.
I MEAN, THANK YOU FOR FIXING
MY FAVORITE KIND OF DISH.
GOOD. BUENO. AMIGOS?
[ Spanish ] AMIGOS.
WHERE DID YOU EVER LEARN
TO COOK A DISH LIKE THAT?
I LEARNED ALL THAT WHILE I WAS LIVING
IN NEW YORK. YEAH, I LIVED IN HARLEM.
JULIO, IF ALL THE PUERTO RICANS WAS
LIKE YOU, HARLEM WOULD BE A PARADISE.
I MEAN THAT.
[ All Speaking, Indistinct ]
[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.
PERRY MASON'S
SECRETARY. DELLA BLANK.
HER NAME WASN'T DELLA BLANK.
I KNOW THAT, MELVIN. BLANK
IS WHERE HER NAME GOES.
DELLA WHAT? MAYBE
IT WAS DELLA MASON.
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU,
MELVIN? THEY WASN'T MARRIED.
ALTHOUGH I BELIEVE, YOU KNOW...
- YOU THINK SO?
- SURE. YOU CAN'T
SEE THAT ON TV.
BUT I BET YOU AT THE ANNUAL
CHRISTMAS PARTY THAT...
A LITTLE HANKY-PANKY.
YEAH, YEAH.
GET ON TO THE NEXT
ONE. OKAY, THEN.
[ Whirring ] THERE
IT GOES AGAIN.
HOW IS A MAN SUPPOSED TO THINK
WITH ALL THAT NOISE GOING ON?
WHAT IS THAT, FRED? SOME GUY
BOUGHT THE OLD PLACE NEXT DOOR.
NO KIDDING. THAT PLACE
HAS BEEN VACANT FOR YEARS.
THAT'S WHERE EVERYBODY IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD BEEN THROWING ALL THEIR TRASH.
I KNOW IT. I BEEN GOING OVER
THERE, PICKING IT UP, CLEANING IT UP...
AND SELLING IT BACK TO 'EM.
NOW I CAN'T DO THAT
NO MORE. [ Sawing ]
FRED, WHAT'S HE MAKING
OVER THERE ANYWAY?
HE AIN'T MAKING NOTHING BUT A
BUNCH OF NOISE, AND I'M GONNA TELL HIM.
HEY, YOU! YOU BETTER CUT THAT NOISE
DOWN IF YOU DON'T WANT SOME TROUBLE!
DON'T HAVE ME COME OVER THERE AND
GIVE YOU A BUNCH OF TROUBLE, BUDDY,
AND I MEAN IT 'CAUSE I'LL
BE OVER THERE ON YOU!
NOW, THAT'S TELLING
HIM, FRED. YEAH.
SEE, YOU GOT TO NIP
THEM THINGS IN THE BUD.
I MEAN, NIP 'EM IN THE BUD.
SEE, THAT BUD IS NIPPED.
[ Whirring ]
I THINK THAT BUD NEEDS
A LITTLE MORE NIPPING.
YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GONNA DO? I'M GONNA
GET MY BUD NIPPER AND GO NIP SOME BUD.
WHAT'S A... WHAT'S A BUD NIPPER?
JUST WAIT A MINUTE. I'LL SHOW
YOU WHAT A BUD NIPPER IS.
HERE IT IS. MY
LOUISVILLE BUD NIPPER.
HOW ALL THOSE DENTS GET IN
THERE? THAT'S FROM NIPPING BUDS.
MOVE OUT THE WAY, MELVIN. I'M
GONNA TEACH THIS GUY... [ Clattering ]
WHERE ARE YOU GOING WITH THAT?
I'M GOING OVER THERE AND INTRODUCE
MYSELF TO OUR NEW NEIGHBOR...
AND THEN OPEN UP HIS SKULL.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? THIS
GUY BEEN OVER THERE THREE DAYS.
THIS NOISE IS DRIVING ME
CRAZY. WOULD YOU GET INSIDE?
GIVE ME THIS BAT.
NOW, GET INSIDE.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU, POP? [ Hammering ]
YOU CAN'T GO BEATING UP ON SOMEBODY
JUST 'CAUSE THEY MAKING NOISE.
[ Hammering Stops ]
THERE. IT STOPPED.
WHO BOUGHT THAT PLACE ANYWAY?
SOME STUPID JERK, THAT'S WHO.
WHAT ARE YOU CALLING HIM THAT
FOR? YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HIM.
I MET HIM AND HE'S A NICE GUY. I
THINK HE'LL MAKE US A GOOD NEIGHBOR.
- IS HE A BROTHER?
- NO, BUT WHAT DIFFERENCE
DOES IT MAKE?
WELL, IT MAKE A WHOLE
LOT OF DIFFERENCE TO ME.
HAVEN'T YOU EVER SEEN THAT BUMPER STICKER:
"GOOD NEIGHBORS COME IN ALL COLORS"?
HE'LL COME IN ALL COLORS TOO IF
I PUT MY BUD NIPPER UP HIS HEAD.
WHEN DID YOU MEET HIM
ANYWAY? I MET HIM YESTERDAY.
I INTRODUCED MYSELF AND
HE INVITED ME IN HIS HOUSE.
HE'S A GOOD COOK. YOU ATE THERE?
THAT'S RIGHT. HE GAVE ME A DISH
OF SOME STUFF THAT WAS TERRIFIC.
- IT'S CALLED MOFONGO.
- MOFONGO?
IF SOMEBODY GAVE ME MOFONGO, I'D
SPRINKLE SOME FOOT POWDER ON IT.
WELL, THAT SHOWS WHAT YOU KNOW.
THAT'S A NATIONAL
DISH. HE'S PUERTO RICAN.
MELVIN, DID YOU HEAR
WHAT LAMONT SAID?
HE SAID THE GUY THAT MOVED
NEXT DOOR IS PUERTO RICAN.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
THERE GOES THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
- WHAT?
- THIS WAS
A GOOD NEIGHBORHOOD,
BUT NOW ALL THE PROPERTY
VALUES GONNA GO, BFFT!
WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT
MAKE IF HE'S PUERTO RICAN?
MAKES A BIG DIFFERENCE. THE PUERTO RICANS
RUN DOWN EVERY NEIGHBORHOOD THEY GET INTO.
LOOK WHAT THEY DID TO HARLEM.
- WHAT DID THEY DO TO HARLEM?
- WHAT DID THEY DO TO IT?
LISTEN. BEFORE THE PUERTO RICANS
MOVED IN TO HARLEM, IT WAS A PARADISE.
- RIGHT, MELVIN?
- THAT'S RIGHT, FRED. IT WAS A PARADISE.
HARLEM WAS A GHETTO LONG BEFORE ANY
PUERTO RICANS MOVED IN, AND YOU KNOW IT.
I GUESS IT WAS SORT OF.
MELVIN, YOU KNOW GOOD AND WELL BEFORE
THE PUERTO RICANS MOVED TO HARLEM,
THERE WAS NOT ONE
COCKROACH IN HARLEM.
SEE, THEY BROUGHT 'EM THERE.
SEE, THEY PUERTO
RICAN COCKROACHES.
AND THEY ALSO KEEP 'EM FOR PETS.
NOW, I CAN'T ARGUE
WITH THAT, LAMONT.
YOU DON'T KNOW WHAT
YOU TALKING ABOUT, MELVIN.
WHEN WAS THE LAST
TIME YOU WAS IN HARLEM?
TWENTY YEARS AGO.
AND HOW DID IT LOOK?
- BEAUTIFUL.
- BEAUTIFUL.
IT WAS A GHETTO. WELL,
YOU COULD CALL IT THAT.
- BUT BEAUTIFUL.
- BUT BEAUTIFUL.
HOW CAN A GHETTO BE BEAUTIFUL?
YEAH, FRED. HOW CAN
A GHETTO BE BEAUTIFUL?
- SHUT UP, MELVIN.
- PLEASE SHUT UP, MELVIN.
LOOK, IF YOU GUYS DON'T WANT
MY OPINION, I'LL JUST SHUT UP.
GOOD. GOOD.
WELL, I GOT TO GO ANYWAY. I'LL SEE
YOU LATER. I'M GOING ON OUT OF HERE.
LISTEN, MELVIN.
LEAVE THE DOOR OPEN.
THE FLIES AIN'T
BEEN OUT ALL DAY.
LISTEN. DON'T GO
TELLING ME ABOUT HARLEM.
WHO YOU THINK
BROUGHT THE RATS THERE?
I GUESS YOU'RE GONNA TELL ME
THAT WAS THE PUERTO RICANS TOO.
I SURE AM. AND THEY BROUGHT
'EM THERE ON PURPOSE.
- AND WHY WAS THAT?
- TO KILL ALL
THE PUERTO RICAN COCKROACHES.
SEE, THEY SIC THE RATS
ON THE COCKROACHES.
IT'S LIKE THEIR NATIONAL
PASTIME. YOU KNOW, LIKE BASEBALL.
- WOULD YOU STOP IT?
- I MEAN IT.
THEY GATHER AT A BIG STADIUM AND THEY
STAND UP AND SING THEIR NATIONAL ANTHEM.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE PUERTO
RICAN NATIONAL ANTHEM IS?
♪ WE'LL TAKE MANHATTAN ♪
♪ THE BRONX AND
STATEN ISLAND TOO ♪♪
I'M NOT KIDDING YOU, LAMONT.
THEM PUERTO RICANS GONNA TAKE
OVER THE WHOLE NEIGHBORHOOD.
♪♪ [ Spanish ]
THERE IT GOES AGAIN.
WILL YOU LISTEN TO THAT?
GEE WHIZ, I CAN'T... WHAT
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
HE'S ONLY PLAYING HIS RADIO.
YEAH, HE'S ONLY PLAYING HIS RADIO.
BUT PRETTY SOON THIS PLACE WILL BE
JUST CRAWLING WITH PUERTO RICANS,
WEARING THEM POINTY-TOE
SHOES AND DANCING IN THE STREET.
♪♪ [ Humming ]
I'M GONNA CALL THE POLICE
BECAUSE THEY DISTURBING THE PEACE.
THAT'S WHAT THEY DOING, DISTURBING
THE PEACE. WAIT A MINUTE, POP.
IF ALL THAT'S BOTHERING
YOU IS HIM MAKING NOISE,
I'LL GO OVER THERE
AND ASK HIM TO STOP.
HE PROBABLY DON'T EVEN
KNOW HE'S DISTURBING YOU.
I SUPPOSE YOU THINK YOU
DON'T EVER MAKE NOISE.
IF I DO MAKE NOISE,
I'LL MAKE IT IN ENGLISH.
LISTEN. I'M TELLING YOU, I
KNOW THESE PEOPLE, LAMONT.
NEXT THING YOU KNOW, HE BE GROWING
A GARDEN OVER THERE IN HIS BACKYARD.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT HE'D
BE GROWING? LATIN LETTUCE.
- LATIN LETTUCE?
- YEAH. THAT'S
THAT STUFF THEY USE...
TO ROLL THEM FUNNY CIGARETTES.
YOU KNOW, CALL 'EM...
SOUTH OF THE BORDER BUTTS.
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT
ANYMORE. LET'S GO AND FIX MY LUNCH.
THAT'S WHAT I CAME
HOME FOR. OKAY, OKAY.
BUT YOU'LL LISTEN TO ME ONE DAY.
YOU'RE GETTING WORKED UP OVER NOTHING.
JULIO'S A NICE GUY. HE
DON'T WANT NO TROUBLE.
JULIO? IS THAT HIS NAME?
THAT'S RIGHT. JULIO FUENTES.
JULIO FUENTES? THAT
DON'T SOUND LIKE NO NAME.
THAT SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING YOU
GET FROM DRINKING THEIR WATER.
I HAD FUENTES ONCE
FOR THREE DAYS.
YOU'RE GONNA CHANGE YOUR MIND
ABOUT JULIO ONCE YOU MEET HIM.
YOU THINK SO? WELL, I KNOW 'EM, AND
ANOTHER THING THEY DO IS COLLECT CATS.
- CATS? WHAT FOR?
- TO MAKE STRINGS
FOR THEIR GUITARS.
POP, JUST HELP ME FIX MY
LUNCH AND I'LL BE HAPPY, OKAY?
OKAY.
THERE'S YOUR SANDWICH.
I'M GOING UPSTAIRS.
HELP! HELP!
LAMONT! LAMONT, COME HERE!
THERE'S A GOAT IN THE LIVING ROOM!
OH!
GET HIM OUT OF HERE. JUST RELAX.
NOW, RELAX. THAT'S ONLY CHICO.
THAT'S JULIO'S GOAT. HE
WON'T HURT YOU. DON'T TELL ME.
I KNOW ALL ABOUT GOATS,
AND THAT'S A KILLER GOAT.
LOOK AT HIM. LOOK AT HIM.
HE'S IN THAT ATTACK POSITION.
DON'T GO NEAR HIM. DON'T GO
NEAR HIM! HE'LL TEAR YOUR HEAD OFF.
POP, CHICO WOULDN'T HURT A FLY.
I'M NOT WORRIED IF HE HURT A FLY.
I'M WORRIED IF HE HURT A OLD MAN.
IT'S A KILLER GOAT, HUH?
LOOK AT THIS. HELLO, CHICO.
SEE THAT, POP?
[ Speaking Spanish ]
HEY, JULIO. I'M
SORRY, MAN. [ Spanish ]
HEY, LISTEN AT 'EM. THEY BOTH
UNDERSTAND THE SAME LANGUAGE.
HEY. HEY, SENOR.
YOU AND EL GOATAY...
VAMOOSAY RIGHT AWAY-AY.
DO YOU DIG?
I'M SORRY, MAN, BUT,
UH, I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
IT'S NOTHING. JULIO, THIS
IS MY POP, FRED SANFORD.
THIS IS JULIO FUENTES. THAT'S
YOUR FATHER. SENOR MR. SANFORD.
HEY, I'VE BEEN LOOKING
FORWARD TO THIS. IT'S A PLEASURE.
I'M AIN'T GONNA PUT MY HAND ON
NOBODY HAND BEEN TOUCHING A GOAT.
YOU'RE RIGHT. I'M SORRY ABOUT
THE GOAT, MR. SANFORD. [ Spanish ]
I ALWAYS KEEP HIM TIED
UP. I'M SORRY ABOUT THAT.
HE MUST'VE GOT LOOSE
SOMEHOW AND GOT AWAY.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH A GOAT
ANYWAY? WOULDN'T THEY SELL YOU A DOG?
OR IS THAT JUST A
PUERTO RICAN POODLE?
NO. I USE CHICO TO KEEP THE PLACE
CLEAN, MAN. HE EATS UP ALL THE GARBAGE.
WELL, I BET OVER AT YOUR
PLACE, THAT'S A FULL-TIME JOB.
HEY, HE'S ONLY KIDDING,
JULIO. I'M NOT KIDDING.
NEXT THING YOU'LL KNOW HE'LL
HAVE A YARD FULL OF CHICKENS.
WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU GOT
SOMETHING AGAINST CHICKENS?
- NOT REALLY.
- MAYBE YOU GOT SOMETHING
AGAINST GOATS, HUH?
NO. NO?
WELL, THEN MAYBE, MR. SANFORD, YOU GOT
SOMETHING AGAINST PUERTO RICANS, HUH?
NOW YOU GOT IT. NO, NO, NO.
MR. SANFORD, TELL ME. WHAT HAVE
YOU GOT AGAINST PUERTO RICANS?
WELL, SINCE YOU
ASKED ME, I'LL TELL YOU.
FIRST THING, WHEN
THEY CAME HERE,
THEY BROUGHT THEM
COCKROACHES WITH 'EM.
THEM PUERTO RICAN COCKROACHES. AND
THEN THEY BROUGHT THEM RATS WITH THEM.
AND NOW LOOK WHAT YOU GOT
WITH YOU THIS TIME... A GOAT.
WELL, I'M GONNA TELL YOU
SOMETHING, MR. SANFORD.
I WOULD RATHER LIVE WITH A
YOUNG GOAT WHO GIVES MILK...
THAN AN OLD GOAT
WHO GIVES TROUBLE.
WELL, HOW WOULD
YOU LIKE A OLD GOAT...
TO GIVE YOU ONE
ACROSS YOUR LIPS?
YOU GIVE BAD VIBES,
MAN. I'M LEAVING.
GOOD. GO ON BACK TO WHERE YOU CAME
FROM. I COME FROM NEW YORK CITY, MAN.
THAT'S WHERE I COME FROM.
YEAH, AND YOU MESSED UP HARLEM.
NOW YOU'RE GONNA TRY
TO LOUSE IT UP OUT HERE.
[ Spanish ]
GO TELL IT TO THE UNITED NATIONS. I
WISH YOU WOULD START SOME STUFF.
SAY, LOOK, JULIO.
HEY, I'M SORRY, MAN.
HE'S AN OLD MAN AND HE'S
GOT A LOT OF HANG-UPS.
I DON'T LIKE THE WAY HE TALKS
TO ME, MAN. I JUST DON'T LIKE IT.
HEY, LOOK, HE TALKS
TO ME THE SAME WAY.
HE'S CALLED ME A DUMMY
EVERY DAY OF MY LIFE.
EXCEPT ONCE. AND THAT WAS
THE DAY HE HAD LARYNGITIS.
AND EVEN THEN HE WROTE
IT ON A PIECE OF PAPER.
THAT'S OKAY FOR YOU TO TAKE. HE'S YOUR
FATHER. BUT I DON'T HAVE TO TAKE THAT.
- PEOPLE SHOULD TRY
TO BE FRIENDS.
- I KNOW THAT. HE KNOWS IT TOO.
NOW, HE BLOWS UP AND HE LETS OFF
STEAM AND THEN HE REALIZES HE WAS WRONG.
SINCE WE'VE BEEN OUT HERE, HE'S THOUGHT
ABOUT IT AND REALIZE THAT HE'S WRONG.
I HOPE SO, MAN. WE'VE GOT TO BE
NEIGHBORS. WE MAY AS WELL BE FRIENDS.
LAMONT, COME ON IN THE HOUSE.
STOP TALKING TO THAT GOAT LOVER.
SEE THAT? IT'S THE SAME
THING ALL OVER AGAIN. [ Spanish ]
WHAT DID YOU DO THAT FOR? WHAT?
AND MAN COMES OVER HERE AND
TRIES TO BE FRIENDS WITH YOU...
AND YOU PRACTICALLY
THROW HIM OUT OF THE HOUSE.
WELL, I DON'T WANT HIM, I DON'T
NEED HIM, AND I DON'T LIKE HIM.
NOBODY ASKED YOU TO LIKE HIM.
AND THE MORE YOU KEEP TALKING, I AIN'T
GONNA BE TOO CRAZY ABOUT YOU EITHER.
AND ANOTHER THING, YOU HAD
YOUR HANDS ON THAT GOAT TOO.
WOULD YOU STOP IT?
STOP IT. GIVE ME THIS.
STOP IT.
JULIO'S GOT JUST AS MUCH RIGHT TO
LIVE HERE AND BE A JUNKMAN AS YOU HAVE.
JUNKMAN? IS THAT WHAT'S HE'S
OPENING NEXT DOOR, A JUNKYARD?
THAT'S RIGHT. HE BOUGHT THE PLACE
AND HE CAN DO WHATEVER HE WANTS.
NOW I KNOW HE GOTTA GO. WHY?
WHY? YOU WANT COMPETITION?
ANOTHER JUNKYARD? WELL, I DON'T.
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
A GUY COMES IN, BRINGS HIS GOAT
AND THEN EATS STUFF OFF MY TABLE...
AND MAKE A WHOLE LOT OF NOISE
OVER THERE, DISTURBING THE PEACE.
HELLO. OPERATOR?
GET ME THE POLICE.
YOU CAN SAY ADIOS TO YOUR
PUERTO RICAN MARX BROTHERS...
JULIO, CHICO AND MOFONGO.
LAMONT, WHAT'S A SIX-LETTER WORD
FOR A TV SHOW STARRING WILLIAM CONRAD?
FINK. "FINK."
NAH. THAT'S FOUR
LETTERS. THAT DON'T FIT.
WELL, IT FITS YOU PERFECTLY.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
ABOUT HOW YOU REPORTED
JULIO TO THE POLICE.
I DIDN'T REPORT
JULIO TO THE POLICE.
I REPORTED JULIO'S
GOAT TO THE POLICE.
AND WHEN I FOUND OUT IT
WASN'T ILLEGAL TO HAVE A GOAT,
THAT'S WHEN I REPORTED
JULIO TO THE POLICE.
WHAT DID YOU REPORT? THAT HE WAS
MAKING NOISE BECAUSE HE'S REBUILDING...
OR THAT HE WAS PLAYING HIS RADIO
AND LISTENING TO A SPANISH STATION?
I JUST SAID THAT HIS
PLACE WAS A EYESORE.
- A WHAT?
- A EYESORE AND A MESS. YOU CAN DO THAT.
WHEN SOMEONE IN THE
NEIGHBORHOOD IS DESTROYING
THE BEAUTY OF THE
COMMUNITY, YOU CAN REPORT HIM.
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YEAH. THAT'S WHAT THEY TOLD ME
WHEN I CALLED THE BUILDING INSPECTOR.
POP, YOU CALLED THE
BUILDING INSPECTOR?
YEAH, I CALLED THE
BUILDING INSPECTOR...
BECAUSE I DON'T WANT THE BEAUTY
OF MY COMMUNITY DESTROYED.
I DON'T HOW YOU CAN SAY THAT,
POP, LIVING IN THE MIDDLE OF THIS HEAP.
THERE ARE HEAPS
AND THERE ARE HEAPS.
BUT THIS IS A COORDINATED HEAP.
YOU'RE TURNING AGAINST A MAN BECAUSE
HE HAPPENS TO BE FROM ANOTHER COUNTRY.
HOW WOULD YOU LIKE IT IF THE GUY NEXT
DOOR TURNED AGAINST PEOPLE FROM AFRICA?
I DON'T CARE, AS LONG AS THEY DON'T
TURN AGAINST PEOPLE FROM ST. LOUIS.
WHAT'S THE USE? LISTEN.
WAIT A MINUTE NOW.
THAT'S NOT THE
REASON I DON'T LIKE HIM.
THE REASON I DON'T LIKE HIM
BECAUSE HE'S GIVING US COMPETITION,
AND THAT'S THE ONLY REASON.
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON?
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON.
WE CAN'T LET EVERY TOM, DICK AND CHICO
MOVE IN HERE WITH THEIR BONGO DRUMS.
[ Knocking ]
I'LL GET IT.
TRY TO TELL YOU, YOU DON'T
EVEN LISTEN TO NOBODY.
HEY, LAMONT. WHAT?
IT'S FOR YOU. WHO IS IT?
IT'S YOUR FRIEND, THE GOAT
LOVER. STOP CALLING HIM THAT.
HEY, JULIO. COME ON IN. I'M
SORRY TO BOTHER YOU, MAN,
BUT, UH, I'D LIKE TO
TALK TO YOUR FATHER.
POP, DID YOU HEAR THAT?
JULIO WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.
WHAT'S HE WANNA TALK ABOUT? I'M REAL BUSY.
I GOT A CROSSWORD PUZZLE WAITING FOR ME.
I HAVE DECIDED THAT MAYBE
YOU'RE NOT SUCH A BAD CHAMACO.
WHO YOU CALLING A
CHAMACO? YOU CHAMACO.
IT JUST MEANS
"FELLOW," THAT'S ALL.
YOU HAVE TO FORGIVE MY FATHER.
HE DOESN'T KNOW A WORD OF SPANISH.
WHO DON'T KNOW A
WORD OF SPANISH?
SE HABLE ESPAñOL.
ADIOS, AMIGO. BUENAS
NOCHES, MUCHACHO.
I KNOW ALL THAT STUFF. AND I KNOW SOME
CUSS WORDS TOO. YOU WANNA HEAR SOME?
THE MAN CAME HERE
TO TALK TO YOU, POP.
YOU COULD AT LEAST LISTEN TO
WHAT HE'S GOT TO SAY. SIT DOWN, JULIO.
THANKS, LAMONT.
MR. SANFORD, I'VE BEEN THINKING
ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED, YOU KNOW,
AND MAYBE I MAKE A MISTAKE.
HERE I AM A NEWCOMER
IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD.
I MOVE IN NEXT DOOR TO YOU, AND INSTEAD
OF COMING OVER AND INTRODUCE MYSELF,
I MAKE ALL KINDS OF
NOISE AND BOTHER YOU.
I APOLOGIZE. AND TOGETHER WITH MY
APOLOGY, I BRING YOU A GIFT. YES, SIR.
YOU GROW THIS IN
YOUR OWN GARDEN?
WE DON'T SMOKE THIS STUFF.
NO, NO, I DIDN'T GROW IT, BUT I
MADE IT. THAT'S GOAT CHEESE.
THEN WHY DON'T YOU
GIVE IT TO YOUR GOAT?
NO, SENOR, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND. GOAT
CHEESE IS GOOD FOR YOU. IT'S VERY HEALTHY.
I ONLY LIKE AMERICAN CHEESE,
AND YOU CAN'T GET AMERICAN
CHEESE FROM A PUERTO RICAN GOAT.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH
YOU? HE GAVE... WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU WILL NOT TAKE THE
CHEESE? I DON'T WANT THE CHEESE.
TAKE IT AND PUT IT
BACK IN YOUR GOAT.
YOU ARE AN IMPOSSIBLE
PERSON, MR. SANFORD.
LIKE A FOOL, I TRY TO BE
YOUR FRIEND, BUT YOU REFUSE.
YOU WILL NOT SEE ME AROUND
HERE AGAIN, YOU ZáNGANO.
WHAT? YOU HEARD ME.
YOU ARE A BIG DUMMY.
WHO YOU CALLING A
DUMMY? YOU BIG DUMMY.
WHERE I COME FROM,
THEM IS FIGHTING WORDS.
[ Spanish ]
JULIO, I'M SORRY. I'M
SORRY TOO, LAMONT.
I'M SORRY THAT YOU ARE
THE SON OF A ZáNGANO.
YOU SAID IT AGAIN, DIDN'T
YOU? BACK OFF NOW.
SAY IT AGAIN. I DARE YOU
TO SAY IT. ZáNGANO. ZáNGANO.
I JUST WANNA HEAR IT ONE
TIME. YOU SAY IT AGAIN AND I'LL...
YOU DID IT AGAIN, DIDN'T YOU? DID
WHAT? YOU HEARD WHAT HE CALLED ME.
I HEARD HIM, AND I ALSO HEARD
YOU. HE'S RIGHT. YOU ARE IMPOSSIBLE.
[ Knocking ]
THERE HE IS AGAIN.
WAIT A MINUTE.
I'LL ANSWER THE DOOR.
JUST LET HIM IN. LET HIM IN.
SAY IT AGAIN.
GOOD MORNING. MY NAME IS WATKINS.
I'M LOOKING FOR MR. FRED SANFORD.
I'M THE COUNTY
BUILDING INSPECTOR.
LAMONT, THIS IS THE BUILDING
INSPECTOR. COME IN, MR. WATKINS.
HAVE A SEAT RIGHT OVER
HERE. OH, THANK YOU.
WELL, EXACTLY WHAT IS YOUR
COMPLAINT, MR. SANFORD?
I MEAN, AGAINST YOUR
NEIGHBOR, MR. "JOOLIO" "FULANTES."
IT'S JULIO FUENTES.
WELL, WHAT'S YOUR
COMPLAINT AGAINST HIM?
MY COMPLAINT IS THAT I DON'T
WANT HIM LIVING NEXT DOOR TO ME.
WELL, THAT'S NOT REALLY A
COMPLAINT. THAT SOUNDS PERSONAL.
WELL, LET'S SAY THEN, I PERSONALLY
DON'T WANT HIM LIVING NEXT DOOR TO ME.
MR. SANFORD, MY DEPARTMENT DOES NOT
DEAL IN PERSONAL MATTERS, ONLY COMPLAINTS.
THEN CHANGE IT BACK TO
COMPLAINTS. ON WHAT GROUNDS?
ON THE GROUNDS THAT
HIS PLACE IS UNFIT TO LIVE IN.
HOW CAN YOU SAY THAT, POP? YOU HAVEN'T
BEEN OVER THERE SINCE JULIO MOVED IN.
I DON'T HAVE TO OVER THERE.
ALL I HAVE TO KNOW IS MY NEXT-DOOR
NEIGHBOR IS LIVING WITH A GOAT.
TALK ABOUT THE ODD COUPLE. YOU'LL SEE
FOR YOURSELF WHEN YOU GET OVER THERE.
WELL, I'LL JUST HAVE TO GET
OVER THERE AND CHECK HIM OUT.
YEAH. CHECK HIM OUT
AND THEN CHUCK HIM OUT.
CAN HE... CAN HE
ACTUALLY GET THROWN OUT?
WELL, YES, IT'S POSSIBLE. WE MIGHT HAVE TO
CONDEMN HIS BUILDING AND FORCE HIM OUT...
IF HE'S IN VIOLATION
OF THE BUILDING CODES.
LIKE WHAT, FOR INSTANCE?
THERE'S ALL SORTS OF VIOLATIONS.
FAULTY AND EXPOSED
WIRING... THAT'S HIM.
STRUCTURAL WEAKNESS...
HE GOT THAT TOO.
UNAUTHORIZED DUMPING
AREA. I CAN SEE THAT FROM HERE.
AND WHAT ABOUT LATIN
LETTUCE? I BEG YOUR PARDON?
NOTHING. HE'S JUST
IMAGINING THINGS.
WELL, I BETTER GET
ON WITH MY JOB, SIR.
MR. SANFORD, IF IT WEREN'T
FOR CONCERNED PEOPLE LIKE YOU,
WE WOULDN'T CATCH ALL
THE VIOLATIONS IN THIS AREA.
WE'RE SO UNDERSTAFFED. AND I WANNA
THANK YOU FOR BEING SO CONSCIENTIOUS.
WELL, YOU SEE, I DIDN'T WANT THE
BEAUTY OF MY COMMUNITY DESTROYED.
YEAH, YEAH.
YOU SEE, THIS IS A
NICE RESIDENTIAL AREA,
AND I DON'T WANT NO
CHEESE FACTORY NEXT DOOR.
WELL, I DON'T BLAME
YOU. WELL, THANK YOU, SIR.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH. GOOD-BYE.
DID YOU HEAR WHAT THAT BUILDING
INSPECTOR SAID I WAS? CONSCIENTIOUS.
AND THAT'S NOT ALL YOU ARE.
WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT NO MORE,
AND I'M GOING TO GET SOMETHING TO EAT...
BECAUSE I DON'T WANNA BE
IN THIS HOUSE ANY LONGER.
YOU'RE GONNA STAY MAD BECAUSE
I REPORTED THAT PEST NEXT DOOR?
I TOLD YOU I DON'T WANNA
DISCUSS IT. I'LL SEE YOU LATER.
I'LL TELL YOU WHY I
DID IT. I DID IT FOR YOU.
FOR ME? YEAH.
THIS NEIGHBORHOOD CAN ONLY
STAND SO MANY JUNKYARDS.
I AIN'T GONNA BE
AROUND MUCH LONGER,
AND I WANNA MAKE SURE
THAT AFTER I'M GONE...
THAT YOU WOULD BE
THE KING OF ALL THIS.
THANKS A LOT.
SEE, SON, YOU DON'T
APPRECIATE NOTHING.
A LOT OF SONS DON'T APPRECIATE WHAT
THEIR FATHERS DO FOR 'EM AND TELL 'EM.
TAKE JOHN D. ROCKEFELLER.
HE BUILT UP A GREAT,
BIG BUSINESS IN OIL.
DID HIS KID APPRECIATE IT? NO. HE
BLEW IT AND BECAME A GOVERNOR.
WELL, I'LL SEE YOU LATER,
JOHN D. OKAY. WELL, GO ON...
AND SEE WHAT HAPPENS TO YOU
WHEN I'M NOT AROUND TO PROTECT YOU.
THEY'LL TAKE YOU APART 'CAUSE
YOU NOT A FIGHTER LIKE ME.
LAMONT, LOOK WHAT I GOT, MAN. THE
BUILDING INSPECTOR GAVE IT TO ME.
I WASN'T EXPECTING ANYTHING LIKE
THIS. JULIO, I'M SORRY. DON'T BE MAD...
MAD? WHY SHOULD I BE
MAD? I'M PROUD. YEAH.
MR. SANFORD, HE SAID
YOU SENT HIM OVER,
AND HE GAVE ME A CITATION FOR DOING
SUCH A GOOD JOB FIXING UP MY PLACE, MAN.
LOOK AT THIS. A CITATION FOR
NEIGHBORHOOD IMPROVEMENT...
FROM THE BOARD OF SUPERVISORS, BUILDING
DEPARTMENT, COUNTY OF LOS ANGELES.
"THE OWNER OF THIS
PROPERTY HAS CONTRIBUTED...
"TO THE BETTERMENT OF HIS
COMMUNITY BY RENOVATING, RESTORING...
"AND GENERALLY
IMPROVING HIS HOME AREA...
AND HAS THEREBY EARNED THE
APPRECIATION OF HIS CITY AND COUNTY."
AND HE SAID BECAUSE YOU WAS
NICE ENOUGH TO SEND HIM TO ME,
WILL I BE NICE ENOUGH
TO GIVE THIS TO YOU.
YEAH. ONE FOR YOU
AND ONE FOR ME.
THAT'S CHEVERE, MAN. I LIKE THAT.
GOOD NEIGHBORS DO COME IN ALL COLORS.
LAMONT, READ MINE FOR ME. I
CAN'T SEE WITHOUT MY GLASSES.
OKAY. "BOARD OF SUPERVISORS,
BUILDING AND SAFETY,
"LOS ANGELES, CALIFORNIA.
"DEAR MR. SANFORD,
YOU WILL BE FINED $200...
"IF THE FOLLOWING VIOLATIONS ARE
NOT CORRECTED WITHIN TEN DAYS.
"FAULTY AND EXPOSED
WIRING, STRUCTURAL DAMAGE,
"UNNECESSARY LITTER,
NUMEROUS FIRE HAZARDS,
"UNAUTHORIZED DUMPING
AREA, SIDEWALK OBSTRUCTION,
DANGEROUS AND
INFLAMMABLE MATERIALS."
GIVE ME THAT.
AIN'T NOTHING WRONG
WITH THIS PLACE.
THIS PLACE GOT A
STRONG FOUNDATION.
NO FAULTY WIRING. YOU COULDN'T FIND
A BETTER PLACE NOWHERE IN THE WORLD.
WHAT ARE THEY TALKING ABOUT?
[ Knocking ]
OKAY, I'M COMING.
WHEW.
OH. MM.
LAMONT'S FIXING LUNCH. I'LL
CALL HIM. LAMONT, IT'S FOR YOU.
NO, SENOR. THIS IS
FOR YOU TOO. YEAH.
JULIO, WHAT'S UP? WELL, I BROUGHT
SOMETHING OVER FOR YOU AND YOUR FATHER.
I REALLY WANT US TO BE GOOD
FRIENDS AND GOOD NEIGHBORS.
WHAT IS IT? LET ME TAKE A LOOK.
SOME GOOD FOOD. I FIX IT MYSELF.
ALL RIGHT. WELL, I AIN'T EATING
NONE OF THAT "MOFUNGUS."
YOU MEAN MOFONGO. NO, SENOR, YOU
DIDN'T GIVE ME A CHANCE TO EXPLAIN.
- THIS IS NOT MOFONGO.
- NO? WHAT IS IT?
THIS IS SPARERIBS,
CANDIED SWEET POTATOES
AND MUSTARD GREENS.
LOOK AT THAT. [ Laughs ] OOH!
CANDIED SWEET POTATOES,
SPARERIBS AND MUSTARD GREENS.
THAT'S RIGHT.
LAMONT, JUST SMELL IT.
ALL RIGHT. HEY, THANKS A LOT.
DE NADA. IT'S NOTHING, REALLY.
I MEAN, THANK YOU FOR FIXING
MY FAVORITE KIND OF DISH.
GOOD. BUENO. AMIGOS?
[ Spanish ] AMIGOS.
WHERE DID YOU EVER LEARN
TO COOK A DISH LIKE THAT?
I LEARNED ALL THAT WHILE I WAS LIVING
IN NEW YORK. YEAH, I LIVED IN HARLEM.
JULIO, IF ALL THE PUERTO RICANS WAS
LIKE YOU, HARLEM WOULD BE A PARADISE.
I MEAN THAT.
[ All Speaking, Indistinct ]
[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.