Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 2, Episode 10 - Blood Is Thicker Than Junk - full transcript

[ TV ] TWIN BROTHER,
AND HE'S GONNA GIVE HIM

SOME ADVICE. THIS IS
GONNA BE A DOUBLEHEADER.

WE'VE GOT THE BIG DEAL WORTH TEN
THOUSAND PLUS BEHIND DOOR NUMBER ONE...

OR DOOR NUMBER TWO
OR DOOR NUMBER THREE.

WHAT DOOR DO YOU WANT?
TAKE DOOR NUMBER THREE.

DOOR NUMBER THREE. THAT'S WHERE
THE CAR IS. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

DOOR NUMBER TWO IS THE WINNER.
DOOR NUMBER THREE IS A ZONK.

TAKE TWO, TAKE TWO. TWO.

SEE? SHE PICKED NUMBER TWO.

YEAH. NOW WATCH WHAT SHE GETS.

SEE THERE? SHE ENDED UP
WITH A COW WITH A STRAW HAT ON.



I CAN'T FIGURE IT OUT.

I CAN FIGURE IT OUT, HERMAN.

THE LADY'S JUST STUPID.

WAIT A MINUTE, FRED.
WHY DO YOU SAY THAT?

HOW MANY SMART PEOPLE DO
YOU KNOW BE DRESSED LIKE A PIZZA?

AND ANOTHER THING THAT MAKES
HER STUPID IS SHE LISTENED TO YOU.

YOU'RE NOT SO SMART EITHER. WHAT
ABOUT YESTERDAY ON JEOPARDY...

WHEN YOU TOLD THAT WOMAN THAT SHERLOCK
HOLMES IS A FAMOUS HOUSING DEVELOPMENT?

THAT WAS JUST AN HONEST MISTAKE.

BUT THERE WAS NO EXCUSE FOR
YOU PICKING THE WRONG DOOR.

AND BESIDES, IF YOU'RE SO SMART, HOW
COME YOU'RE JUST A JUNKMAN LIKE ME?

IF GOD WANTED ME TO BE A JUNKMAN,
I AM SMART ENOUGH NOT TO ASK WHY.

YOU KNOW THE TROUBLE WITH YOU,
SANFORD? YOU HAVE A NARROW MIND.

AND YOU KNOW THE TROUBLE WITH
YOU, GOLDSTEIN? YOU GOT A BIG MOUTH.



I DON'T HAVE TO STAND HERE
AND LISTEN TO THOSE INSULTS.

IF I WANT TO BE INSULTED,
I'LL CALL MY MOTHER-IN-LAW.

I'M GOING. WHO NEEDS YOU?

WHO NEEDS YOU?
[ Speaking Hebrew ]

AH, [ Gibberish ]
AND BOCK BAGEL.

THIS IS OFF-LIMITS TO YOU. AND DON'T
NEVER COME BACK HERE NO MORE.

[ Muttering ]

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? THE WHOLE
NEIGHBORHOOD'S GONNA HEAR YOU.

I DON'T CARE WHO HEARS ME.
WOULD YOU GET IN THE HOUSE?

WHEN I GET MAD, I LET EVERYBODY
KNOW IT. I'LL KNOCK HIM COLD.

WHAT'S WRONG ANYWAY? I THOUGHT
YOU AND GOLDSTEIN WERE FRIENDS.

I DON'T WANNA TALK ABOUT IT. BESIDES,
WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE SO EARLY?

I COULDN'T WAIT TO GET
HOME TO SHOW YOU THIS, POP.

YOU KNOW WHAT THIS
IS? LET ME SEE THAT.

YEAH. IT'S AN OLD RUSTY GUN.

THAT'S AN ORIGINAL
REVOLUTIONARY WAR RIFLE.

I PICKED IT UP AT AN
AUCTION FOR 50 BUCKS.

YOU PAID 50 BUCKS FOR THIS?

POP, THIS IS AN ORIGINAL REVOLUTIONARY
WAR RIFLE. IT'S CALLED A BROWN BESS.

AND THEY SOLD IT
TO A BROWN DUMMY.

I THOUGHT YOU'D SAY
SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

LOOK, WHEN I LEFT THE AUCTION, I
WENT TO TWO OR THREE GUN SHOPS.

EACH ONE OF THE GUYS TOLD ME THAT IF I
WAS TO CLEAN IT UP AND POLISH IT REAL GOOD,

I COULD GET AS
MUCH AS $800 FOR IT.

IT'S AN ANTIQUE. YOU SEE
HOW RUSTY IT IS? LOOK AT IT.

THAT DON'T MEAN NOTHING. KNOW
HOW THEY MAKE THESE THINGS LOOK OLD?

THEY TAKE 'EM AND
BEAT 'EM WITH A CHAIN.

THEN THEY BURY 'EM IN THE GROUND
SO THE WORMS CAN GNAW AT 'EM.

THEN THEY DIG 'EM UP AND LEAVE 'EM
IN THE RAIN FOR THREE OR FOUR DAYS.

THEN THEY TAKE IT TO
AN AUCTION. AND THE MAN

SAYS, "SOLD TO THE DUMMY
WITH THE BLACK MUSTACHE."

YOU DON'T BELIEVE ME?
ALL RIGHT, HOLD THIS.

JUST HOLD THAT. SEE THESE THREE BUSINESS
CARDS? THEY'RE ALL FROM GUN STORES.

EACH ONE OF THESE GUYS TOLD
ME I COULD GET $750 FOR THAT RIFLE.

LET ME GET A GOOD LOOK AT THIS
RIFLE. WHY DON'T YOU QUIT PRETENDING?

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT
ANTIQUES AND EVEN LESS ABOUT GUNS.

- WHO DON'T KNOW ABOUT GUNS?
- YOU DON'T.

ARE YOU KIDDIN'? WORLD
WAR I. FRED B. SANFORD.

B. SANFORD? WHAT'S THE "B" FOR?

BULL'S-EYE.

MACHINE GUNNER, WORLD WAR I.

RIFLEMAN, PISTOL
EXPERT. HOW ABOUT THAT?

THAT'S NOT THE WAY I
HEARD IT. IT WAS WORLD WAR II.

AND IT WAS FRED B. SANFORD, ALL
RIGHT, AND THE "B" WASN'T FOR BULL'S-EYE.

IT WAS FORT DIX, NEW JERSEY.

POTATO PEELER, LATRINE
ORDERLY AND K.P. HOW ABOUT THAT?

HOW ABOUT ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?

COME ON, POP. EVEN IF YOU
DO KNOW ABOUT MODERN GUNS,

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING ABOUT A
GUN THAT'S 200 YEARS OLD. WHO DON'T?

YOU DON'T. NEXT YOU'LL BE TELLING
ME YOU WAS IN THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.

I WASN'T, BUT ONE OF MY
ANCESTORS WAS. BUFORD SANFORD.

BUFORD? THAT'S RIGHT.

BUFORD SANFORD. HE WAS A SLAVE.

WHEN THE REVOLUTIONARY
WAR STARTED,

THEY LET HIM OFF SO HE
COULD GO AHEAD AND FIGHT.

HE WAS SO GOOD THAT
WHEN THE WAR WAS OVER,

THEY WAS NICE ENOUGH TO LET
HIM GO BACK TO BEING A SLAVE AGAIN.

THEN HOW COME I'VE
NEVER HEARD ABOUT HIM?

I WAS SAVING IT FOR
THE RIGHT MOMENT.

AND SOME OTHER STORIES THEY
TELL ABOUT BUFORD. LIKE WHAT?

YOU REMEMBER THAT PICTURE
WHERE'S THREE GUYS MARCHING,

AND ONE OF 'EM IS BLOWING THE FLUTE
AND THE OTHER ONE IS CARRYING THE FLAG?

- YOU MEAN "THE SPIRIT OF '76"?
- THAT'S IT. GUESS WHO
WAS PLAYING THE DRUMS.

- BUFORD?
- BUFORD.

I'VE SEEN THAT PICTURE A THOUSAND TIMES,
AND ALL THREE OF THEM DUDES IS WHITE.

SO WHAT? HOW MANY TIMES YOU SEEN
PICTURES OF JESUS AND HE'S WHITE?

WHAT ABOUT 'EM?

THAT'S WRONG TOO.

BECAUSE YOU CAN'T HANG
AROUND JERUSALEM 30-SOME-YEARS...

DON'T WEAR NO
HAT AND STAY WHITE.

POP, NOBODY IN OUR FAMILY HAD ANYTHING
TO DO WITH THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.

ARE YOU KIDDING? MY
GRANDFATHER USED TO

TELL ME STORIES ABOUT
THE REVOLUTIONARY WAR.

HOW THE SOLDIERS FOUGHT THEN.
GIVE ME THAT RIFLE, LET ME SHOW YOU.

BUFORD WAS ONE OF THE BEST
SHOTS IN ALL THE WHOLE SERVICE.

SEE, THE BRITISH
FOUGHT LIKE THIS.

THEY LINED UP IN A LONG
LINE, ALL SIDE-BY-SIDE.

IT WAS MARCH, MARCH. THEY'D
FALL DOWN TO ONE KNEE AND FIRE.

LIKE THAT. STEP, STEP, FIRE.

TERRIFIC. BUFORD WAS
THE BEST SHOT IN HIS OUTFIT.

YOU KNOW THAT COMMAND THEY USED TO
GIVE, "DON'T FIRE TILL YOU SEE THE WHITES"?

IT WAS...

IT WAS, "DON'T FIRE UNTIL YOU
SEE THE WHITES OF THEIR EYES."

BUFORD NEVER WAITED THAT LONG.

SEE, HE'D BE HIDING IN THE BUSHES,
AND SOON AS THEY GOT NICE AND CLOSE,

HE WOULD JUST PICK 'EM OFF...

POW. THEN HE'D EASE
FARTHER IN THE BUSHES.

HE SEES MORE OF 'EM
COMING AND HE... POW.

JUST LIKE THAT. THEN HE'D EASE ON BACK
AND WAIT FOR MORE OF THEM TO COME.

DIDN'T MAKE HIM NO DIFFERENCE.
HE'D SEE 'EM COMING...

[ Rifle Shot ] [
Glass Shattering ]

POP, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME
THAT DAMN GUN WAS LOADED?

I THINK I BROKE MY
SHOULDER OR SOMETHING.

THE ONLY THING YOU BROKE
WAS THAT WINDOW OVER THERE.

[ Groans ] YOU CAN REPLACE
THE BROKEN WINDOWPANE,

BUT YOU CAN'T REPLACE
THIS BROKEN SHOULDER.

I WONDER WHERE THAT BULLET WENT.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT
THAT OLD BULLET.

SOON AS THEY HIT SOMETHING, THEY
FALL APART. IT HAD TO LAND SOMEPLACE.

I'LL TAKE A LOOK AT
THESE BINOCULARS...

WAIT A MINUTE. WHERE'D
THESE BINOCULARS COME FROM?

THOSE BINOCULARS? I USE
THOSE FOR BUSINESS PURPOSES.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN,
BUSINESS PURPOSES?

YOU KNOW JAMES SHERMAN, THE
JUNK DEALER ACROSS THE WAY? YEAH?

I USE THOSE BINOCULARS
TO CHECK OUT HIS

INVENTORY, SEE WHAT
THE COMPETITION IS DOING.

NO, YOU DON'T. YOU'VE BEEN
USING THESE TO LOOK AT HIS WIFE.

YOU TRAIN THESE BINOCULARS ON THEIR
BEDROOM, AND YOU CHECK OUT HIS WIFE.

I SWEAR, HONEST, LAMONT. HONEST.

I HAVEN'T LOOKED AT
HIS WIFE. NOT ONCE.

NOT ONCE SINCE SHE
BEEN PUTTING ON WEIGHT.

UH-OH.

UH-OH WHAT?

THERE'S A BROKEN WINDOW ACROSS
THE STREET. THAT'S GOLDSTEIN'S WINDOW.

LET ME SEE THAT.

YOU SEE? SEE THAT BROKEN GLASS?

WOW, IS SHE FAT. WOULD YOU
LOOK AT GOLDSTEIN'S WINDOW?

UH-OH. UH-OH IS RIGHT.

THE BULLET FROM THAT RIFLE WENT
RIGHT THROUGH GOLDSTEIN'S WINDOW.

SOME KID COULD'VE THREW A
BRICK THROUGH THAT WINDOW.

OR MAYBE IT WAS A
METEOR. THAT'S WHAT IT WAS.

A METEOR CAME DOWN
FROM VENUS OR SOMEPLACE...

AND CRASHED THROUGH GOLDSTEIN'S
WINDOW AND LANDED IN HIS KITCHEN.

NO, I THINK YOU SHOT A HOLE
THROUGH GOLDSTEIN'S WINDOW.

HEY, WAIT A MINUTE. WHAT IF
GOLDSTEIN WAS IN THERE AND YOU...

DON'T SAY THAT.
DON'T EVEN THINK IT.

IN THE FIRST PLACE, IF THE BULLET
DID GO THROUGH HIS WINDOW,

IT DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH
POWER IN IT TO KILL A MAN.

AND THE SECOND PLACE, WE DON'T EVEN
KNOW IF GOLDSTEIN WAS IN THE ROOM.

AND IN THE THIRD PLACE, IT'S ABOUT TIME
FOR BOTH OF US TO GET THE HELL OUT OF TOWN.

WAIT A MINUTE, POP. I'M WORRIED.
GOLDSTEIN NEVER LEAVES THAT HOUSE.

THE ONLY TIME HE EVER LEAVES THAT
ROOM IS TO COME HERE AND LOOK AT TV.

MAYBE THE BULLET DIDN'T HIT HIM.

IF THAT BULLET DIDN'T
HIT HIM, HE'D BE IN

THE STREET RIGHT NOW
SCREAMING BLOODY MURDER.

MURDER? DON'T SAY THAT.

AND YOU HAD TO HAVE AN ARGUMENT WITH
HIM. WHAT'D YOU HAVE AN ARGUMENT FOR?

THE NEIGHBORS PROBABLY HEARD YOU.
THEY'LL SAY THAT YOU GUNNED HIM DOWN.

STOP IT. IF HE DID GET SHOT, YOU KNOW
IT WAS AN ACCIDENT. YOU BELIEVE THAT.

YEAH, I BELIEVE IT AND YOU BELIEVE
IT, BUT WILL A JURY BELIEVE IT?

A JURY? WHAT ARE
YOU TALKING ABOUT?

I'M TALKING ABOUT A SHOOTING
AND YOU DID IT. POP, YOU SHOT A MAN.

[ Groans ]

OH, THIS IS THE BIG ONE.

YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?

I'M COMIN' TO JOIN YOU, HONEY.

GUILTY. GUILTY.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO? I DON'T WANNA
SPEND THE REST OF MY LIFE IN JAIL.

ALL MY YEARS OF HARD WORK.

THEY'LL TAKE ME AWAY. THEY'LL
TAKE ME AWAY AND I'LL LOSE ALL THIS.

DON'T WORRY, POP. IF ANYTHING HAPPENS
TO YOU, I'LL TAKE CARE OF THIS PLACE.

HOW YOU GONNA TAKE CARE
OF THE PLACE FROM A JAIL CELL?

JAIL CELL? WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? I DIDN'T SHOOT THAT RIFLE. YOU DID.

I DIDN'T BUY THAT RIFLE. YOU
DID. I DIDN'T PULL THE TRIGGER.

I DIDN'T LOAD IT. NEITHER DID I.

ALL THREE OF US
ARE IN THIS TOGETHER.

ME AND YOU AND THE SOLDIER WHO
LOADED THAT RIFLE 200 YEARS AGO.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE. WE'RE NOT
ABSOLUTELY POSITIVE THAT GOLDSTEIN IS DEAD.

HOW WE GONNA FIND OUT? KEEP WATCHING
THE SKY TILL WE SEE BUZZARDS CIRCLING?

NO. ALL WE GOTTA DO...

IS SIT OVER HERE AND KEEP
WATCHING GOLDSTEIN'S LIGHT.

WHAT GOOD IS IT GONNA DO TO SIT
OVER HERE AND WATCH GOLDSTEIN'S LIGHT?

WELL, IF HIS LIGHT GOES OFF
AT 8:30, LIKE IT ALWAYS DOES,

THAT MEANS HE TURNED
IT OFF, AND HE'S ALIVE.

AND IF IT DON'T GO OFF,
THAT MEANS THAT HE'S DEAD.

AND IF HE'S DEAD, YOU KNOW
WHAT THAT MEANS? YEAH.

[ Together ] WE'RE DEAD.

[ Birds Chirping ] [ Snoring ]

HEY, POP, WAKE UP.

GOLDSTEIN'S
LIGHT. IT'S STILL ON.

I JUST LOOKED THROUGH THE BINOCULARS, AND
IT'S STILL ON. YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS.

IT MEANS HE DIDN'T TURN IT OFF.

HE DIDN'T TURN IT OFF BECAUSE
HE COULDN'T TURN IT OFF.

I HATE TO SAY IT, POP, BUT GOLDSTEIN
IS DEAD. WHAT ELSE COULD IT BE?

IF GOLDSTEIN IS DEAD,
THEN I'LL SOON BE DEAD TOO.

AND THE SAD PART, NO ONE
WILL EVER KNOW THE TRUTH.

THAT THE MURDER WAS YOUR FAULT.

MY FAULT? HOW DO YOU
FIGURE IT WAS MY FAULT?

UNTIL YOU BROUGHT THAT RIFLE HERE, THE MOST
DANGEROUS THING I HAD WAS A BASEBALL BAT.

DO YOU EVER HEAR OF ANYBODY
GETTING SHOT WITH A BASEBALL BAT?

ARE YOU GONNA START THAT AGAIN? WHO TOLD
YOU TO SHOOT THE GUN IN THE FIRST PLACE?

I AIN'T GONNA TAKE NO
MURDER RAP BY MYSELF.

IT'S NOT REALLY MURDER. YOU
DIDN'T KNOW WHAT YOU WERE DOING.

THAT'S IT. IF WORSE COMES TO WORSE, YOU
COULD ALWAYS PLEAD TEMPORARY INSANITY.

HOW ABOUT IF I PLEAD, I GOT A
SON WITH PERMANENT INSANITY?

WE'RE NOT ABSOLUTELY
POSITIVE THAT GOLDSTEIN IS DEAD.

MAYBE YOU'RE LUCKY. MAYBE HE
WAS JUST VERY SERIOUSLY WOUNDED.

YEAH, A FLESH WOUND LIKE IN
ONE OF THEM COWBOY MOVIES.

THEY NEVER GET MORE
THAN A FLESH WOUND.

- HOW WE GONNA FIND OUT?
- YOU COULD CALL HIM.

AND IF HE'S JUST GOT A FLESH WOUND,
HE'LL STAGGER TO THE PHONE AND ANSWER IT.

GOOD IDEA, POP. WHY DIDN'T I
THINK OF THAT FROM THE START?

YOU AIN'T GOT
WHAT I GOT UP HERE.

WE'LL JUST CALL HIM UP. WHAT
YOU GONNA SAY WHEN HE ANSWERS?

JUST ONE WORD... MAZEL TOV.

HOW MANY RINGS? IT JUST STARTED.

NOW HOW MANY? THAT'S TWO.

HOW MANY... SHH.

THE TELEPHONE COMPANY SAY ALWAYS LET
THE PHONE RING AT LEAST TEN TIMES. I KNOW.

'CAUSE SOMETIMES PEOPLE WILL BE SLEEPING,
SOMETIMES THEY BE IN THE SHOWER, AND...

SOMETIMES THEY BE DEAD.

HE DIDN'T ANSWER. HE'S DEAD.

OH. OH.

HERE'S PART TWO OF THE BIG ONE.

GOLDSTEIN AND I BE GOING TO
THAT OLD JUNKYARD IN THE SKY.

ME TO SAINT PETER, AND
HIM TO WHEREVER HE GOES.

WAIT A MINUTE. THERE'S
ONE OTHER POSSIBILITY.

GOLDSTEIN COULD BE
ALIVE, BUT UNCONSCIOUS.

THAT WOULD EXPLAIN WHY HE DIDN'T ANSWER
THE PHONE. 'CAUSE HE WAS UNCONSCIOUS.

THERE'S ONLY ONE WAY TO FIND OUT. ONE
OF US HAS GOTTA GO OVER THERE AND SEE.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU DO
THAT? ME? WHY DON'T YOU GO?

I AIN'T GOING OVER THERE.
YOU'RE THE ONE THAT SHOT HIM.

IF I GO OVER THERE AND FIND
HIM DEAD, THE SHOCK WILL KILL ME.

AND IF I FIND HE'S
ALIVE, I'LL BE SO HAPPY,

I'LL BE JUMPING UP AND DOWN AND
HAVE A HEART ATTACK, AND THAT'LL KILL ME.

SO EITHER WAY, IF I GO, I GO.

OKAY, I'LL GO. I'M GONNA GO OUT
THE BACK WAY SO NOBODY'LL SEE ME.

LISTEN. WHILE I'M GONE, I DON'T WANT
YOU TO OPEN THAT DOOR FOR NOBODY.

SOMETIMES THE COPS TRY TO DISGUISE
THEMSELVES AS NORMAL PEOPLE.

YEAH. I CAN SPOT
A COP A MILE AWAY.

THEY GOT THEM CREW CUTS
AND HAVE THEM BIG SIDEBURNS.

THEY WEAR A ARROW SHIRT
WITH LITTLE, THIN NECKTIES.

YEAH, AND THEY WEAR THEM BROWN
WINGTIP SHOES WITH THE DESIGN ON THE TOE.

AND CHEW GUM REAL FAST. THAT'S
RIGHT, SO WATCH YOURSELF, POP.

WHY DID THIS HAPPEN TO
ME? WHY AM I BEING PUNISHED?

MAYBE I SHOULD'VE WENT TO
CHURCH MORE OFTEN. [ Knocking ]

IT'S THE COPS. IT'S
THE COPS. I KNOW IT.

OH.

HE'S GOT ON AN ARROW
SHIRT AND A THIN NECKTIE.

[ Knocking ] OH.
WHAT DO YOU WANT?

I'D LIKE TO TALK TO LAMONT SANFORD
ABOUT A FIREARM HE HAS IN HIS POSSESSION.

NO, HE'S GONE. HE
WENT TO A U.J.A. MEETING.

UNITED JUNKMEN OF AMERICA.

MY NAME'S RONALD
HART OF HART'S GUN SHOP.

OH.

IS THAT A ARROW SHIRT?

I DON'T KNOW, BUT YESTERDAY A
LAMONT SANFORD STOPPED IN MY PLACE...

TO GET A REVOLUTIONARY WAR RIFLE APPRAISED,
AND I JUST FOUND A BUYER FOR HIM.

HE SOLD THE RIFLE.

WELL, IF HE EVER GETS
ANOTHER RIFLE LIKE THAT ONE,

I HAVE A STANDING OFFER
FROM A CLIENT OF $1,000 FOR IT.

A THOUSAND DOLLARS?

FOR A RIFLE THAT DON'T SHOOT?
THEY DON'T SHOOT, YOU KNOW.

OF COURSE THEY DO. THEY COULD KILL A MAN
TODAY JUST THE WAY THEY DID 200 YEARS AGO.

THEN, OF COURSE, THE EXCUSE WOULD BE
THAT THE IDIOT DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS LOADED.

THANKS A LOT.

LAMONT, THE GUY WAS
HERE FROM THE GUN SHOP.

I SURE WISH YOU'D HAVE
SOLD THAT GUN YESTERDAY.

WE'D BE A THOUSAND DOLLARS RICHER, AND WE
WOULDN'T BE WONDERING IF WE'D KILLED A MAN.

- YOU CAN STOP WONDERING.
- WHAT DO YOU MEAN?

I JUST KNOCKED ON GOLDSTEIN'S
DOOR. THERE WASN'T ANY ANSWER.

OH. OH, NO.

ANOTHER BIG ONE.

PART THREE, AND THE END.

PLEASE DON'T PANIC! THE
THING WE GOTTA DO IS KEEP CALM!

I AM CALM. I'M NOT PANICKING.

THE FIRST THING WE GOTTA DO IS GET RID OF
THAT RIFLE. YEAH, THAT'S WHAT WE GOTTA DO.

HERE. HERE WE GO.

WHAT'S THE BLOWTORCH
FOR? WE CAN TAKE THE

WOOD OFF THIS RIFLE,
THEN MELT THE REST DOWN.

GOOD IDEA. LET'S GO
IN THE BACK. HURRY UP.

[ Loud Knocking ]

WHO DO YOU SUPPOSE
THAT IS? I DON'T KNOW.

I'LL ANSWER THE DOOR AND STALL
'EM. YOU START MELTING IT DOWN. HURRY.

[ Knocking ]

OH!

HEY, FRED. JUST GOT A MINUTE.
HOPE YOU GOT SOME COFFEE.

I WANT YOU TO MEET MY NEW PARTNER, OFFICER
HOPKINS. THIS IS A FRIEND, FRED SANFORD.

MR. SANFORD.

OH! WHAT'S THE MATTER,
BROTHER? AREN'T YOU FEELING WELL?

I DON'T FEEL TOO GOOD. I'VE BEEN
HAVING A SERIES OF HEART ATTACKS.

YEAH, THAT'S BEEN
GOING AROUND NOW.

WHAT'S THE MATTER? YOU
WORRIED ABOUT SOMETHING?

IT'S JUST MY HEART.
IT'LL STOP SOON.

SAY, WHAT'S THAT SMELL?

[ Sniffs ] WHAT SMELL? I DON'T
KNOW. YOU COOKING SOMETHING?

NO. NOBODY'S COOKING
ANYTHING. SEE, LAMONT IS...

HE'S BARBECUING, AND HE DON'T LIKE
NOBODY WATCHING HIM WHILE HE'S COOKING.

YEAH. HEY, LAMONT, BROTHER SMITTY'S
OUT HERE WITH HIS NEW PARTNER.

THEY WANNA KNOW WHAT
YOU COOKING? WHAT?

THEY WANNA KNOW, IS IT
DONE YET? DONE? NO, IT'S NOT!

IT AIN'T DONE YET.
WHAT'S HE COOKING?

SOUL FOOD.

SAY, FRED, I DON'T KNOW ANY
SOUL FOOD THAT SMELLS LIKE THAT.

THIS SOUL FOOD COMES
FROM A SPECIAL RECIPE. OH.

- LAMONT, BROTHER SMITTY
AND HIS NEW PARTNER.
- HOW ARE YOU?

THEY CAME BY FOR SOME
COFFEE. WE DON'T HAVE

NO COFFEE, DO WE? NO,
WE'RE OUT OF COFFEE.

I SAID TO POP THIS MORNING WE
HAD TO GET SOME COFFEE. SURE DID.

TEA TOO. I'M SORRY,
MEN. NO COFFEE.

THAT'S ALL RIGHT. WE'LL STOP BY LATER
WHEN YOU HAVE SOME COFFEE. LET'S GO. OKAY.

- FRED, WHAT HAPPENED
TO YOUR WINDOW? KIDS?
- KIDS.

YOU'D THINK IF A YOUNGSTER
BROKE YOUR WINDOW,

HE'D BE HONEST ENOUGH
TO CONFESS HE DID IT.

- YOU'D THINK SO.
- THAT FOOD SMELLS LIKE HAMMER
HOCKS AND BLACK-EYED RICE.

THAT'S HAM HOCKS AND
BLACK-EYED PEAS. OH, RIGHT.

OKAY, LET'S... WE'LL
SEE YOU LATER.

YOU HEAR THAT?

THEY DON'T FOOL ME TALKING ABOUT HAMMER
HOCKS AND BLACK-EYED RICE. THEY KNOW.

- I THINK SO.
- ALL THAT STUFF
ABOUT CONFESSING...

SEE, THEY KNOW. THEY JUST WANTED
US TO KNOW THEY KNEW. YOU KNOW?

I KNOW.

AND BECAUSE THEY'RE FRIENDS, THEY WANNA
GIVE ME A CHANCE TO GO TURN MYSELF IN.

- I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.
- THAT'S THE ONLY THING LEFT FOR
ME TO DO IS TURN MYSELF IN.

YEAH, IT'S THE ONLY
THING LEFT TO DO.

I'LL GO TURN MYSELF IN.

YOU TAKE CARE OF ALL THIS NICE
STUFF HERE TOO. DON'T WORRY. I WILL.

I SPENT A LOT OF YEARS
FIXING THIS PLACE UP.

I'LL JUST GO TURN MYSELF IN.

I SURE WILL MISS THE
OLD PLACE, MY TRUCK.

SAY, WAIT A MINUTE. DO YOU
SEE WHAT I SEE? IT'S GOLDSTEIN.

HELLO, FRED. HELLO,
LAMONT. HELLO, MR. GOLDSTEIN.

IT'S YOU. LOOK AT THIS.

I DIDN'T THINK I WOULD LIVE TO SEE
THE DAY TO GET SUCH A WELCOME.

COME ON IN, GOLDSTEIN.
DID YOU HEAR HIM?

YEAH, I HEARD. HE SAID HE NEVER
THINK HE'D LIVE TO SEE THE DAY...

SIT DOWN, GOLDSTEIN. FRED, I CAME
OVER TO APOLOGIZE FOR YESTERDAY.

I DON'T KNOW WHY
WE HAD TO FIGHT.

ME EITHER. LAST NIGHT I CALLED YOU TO
APOLOGIZE, AND I COULDN'T GET AN ANSWER.

AND YOUR LIGHT WAS ON ALL
NIGHT. WE WERE WORRIED ABOUT YOU.

I WAS UPSET, SO I WENT ACROSS
TOWN TO VISIT WITH MY SON.

I LEFT THE LIGHTS ON TO
KEEP THE BURGLARS AWAY.

WHEN I CAME HOME, YOU KNOW WHAT
HAPPENED? MY WINDOW WAS BROKEN.

LOOK AT MY HAT THAT I LEFT
HANGING ON THE BACK OF THE CHAIR.

A BULLET HOLE.

KNOW WHAT I THINK?

I THINK SOME CRAZY GUY
SHOT OFF A GUN IN THE STREET.

IF I WOULD'VE BEEN SITTING IN THAT
CHAIR, I WOULDN'T BE SITTING IN THIS CHAIR.

WHAT AM I TALKING ABOUT? I
WOULDN'T BE SITTING AT ALL.

I WOULD BE LAYING
IN MOUNT SINAI.

THAT'S WHERE THEY GO.

DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT IT,
MR. GOLDSTEIN. NO, DON'T THINK ABOUT IT.

WHO THINKS ABOUT
IT? I'M GLAD TO BE ALIVE.

AND I'M HAPPY WE
ARE STILL FRIENDS.

ME TOO. I'M GOING BACK TO
HAVE A LITTLE LUNCH NOW.

WHY DON'T YOU STAY AND HAVE
LUNCH WITH US? WHAT ARE YOU HAVING?

- PIG KNUCKLES AND RED BEANS.
- I'LL COME BACK AFTER LUNCH.

[ Together ] GOLDSTEIN LIVES.

THERE'S ONLY ONE
WORD FOR IT, SON.

[ Together ] MAZEL TOV.

SAY, WHAT ARE YOU LOOKING AT?

I'M WATCHING GOLDSTEIN PUT HIS NEW
WINDOW IN. YOU WANNA TAKE A LOOK?

YEAH, LET ME SEE THAT. I'M GONNA GO IN
THE KITCHEN AND GET MYSELF SOME COFFEE.

OH, LADY, ARE YOU FAT.

IS LAMONT SANFORD
HOME? WHO ARE YOU?

I'M MR. HART FROM THE GUN
SHOP. I WAS HERE YESTERDAY.

OH, YEAH, YEAH. COME
ON IN. I'LL CALL HIM.

THANK YOU.

LAMONT. YEAH, WHAT IS IT?

THE FELLOW WAS HERE YESTERDAY...

HELLO, MR. HART. HELLO. I
JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU...

THAT IF YOU EVER GET
ANOTHER RIFLE LIKE THAT

BROWN BESS, I CAN
STILL GET $1,000 FOR IT.

LISTEN. WHAT KIND OF
CONDITION DOES IT HAVE TO BE IN?

AFTER ALL, WE'RE TALKING ABOUT
SOMETHING THAT'S 200 YEARS OLD.

I WOULDN'T EXPECT IT TO
BE IN PERFECT CONDITION.

WAIT JUST A MINUTE.
WHERE YOU GOING, POP?

POP. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

HOW MUCH CAN I
GET FOR IT LIKE THIS?

[ Man ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.