Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 8 - The Great Sanford Siege - full transcript

- YOU WANT SOME MORE COFFEE?
- WHAT?

COFFEE. IS THAT
WHAT I WAS DRINKING?

I THOUGHT IT WAS TEA.

YOU KNEW IT WAS COFFEE.

POP, YOU MAKE YOUR COFFEE
SO WEAK, IT TASTES LIKE TEA,

AND YOU MAKE YOUR TEA SO
STRONG, IT TASTES LIKE COFFEE.

I THINK YOU INVENTED
A NEW DRINK... TEAFEE.

YOU MEAN YOU DON'T
LIKE IT. WELL, WHAT IS IT?

IS IT INSTANT,
PERCOLATOR OR DRIP?

IT'S INSTANT, COOKED IN A
PERCOLATOR AND SERVED TO A DRIP.

NOBODY'S GOT TO TELL ME THIS IS THE FIRST
OF THE MONTH. LOOK AT ALL THESE BILLS.



THE DRUGSTORE, THE GROCERY
STORE, GAS, ELECTRIC, TELEPHONE.

WHAT AM I GONNA DO WITH ALL OF
THESE BILLS? PUT 'EM BACK IN THE MAILBOX.

THAT'S BRILLIANT, POP. HOW'D YOU
EVER THINK OF THAT? YOU ASKED ME.

BUT I EXPECTED AN
INTELLIGENT ANSWER.

AND I GAVE YOU ONE. PUT
'EM BACK IN THE MAILBOX.

LOOK AT THIS. "REPEATED REQUESTS
FOR PAYMENT HAVE NOT BEEN ANSWERED.

"WE HAVE, THEREFORE, TURNED
THIS OVER TO A COLLECTION AGENCY...

"FOR REPOSSESSION OF
THE ITEMS PURCHASED.

THE LUAU LAYAWAY
FURNITURE COMPANY."

LUAU? THAT'S WHERE WE
BOUGHT ALL OUR STUFF FROM.

THE TV AND THE REFRIGERATOR.
EVERYTHING. THAT'S RIGHT.

AND THEY'RE GONNA
COME AND TAKE IT BACK.

THEY CAN'T TAKE AWAY MY TV. I
WON'T EVER BE ABLE TO FIND OUT...

IF MICKEY AND
LAURA GOT A DIVORCE.



- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
- MICKEY AND LAURA. DAYS OF OUR LIVES.

SEE, MICKEY AND LAURA
ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

SEE, LAURA WANTS TO
MARRY MICKEY'S BROTHER, BILL.

BUT MICKEY DON'T WANNA
GIVE UP HIS SON MICHAEL TO BILL,

EVEN THOUGH
MICHAEL IS BILL'S SON.

BUT BILL DON'T WANT
LAURA WITHOUT MICHAEL,

EVEN THOUGH MICKEY IS
WILLING TO GIVE UP LAURA.

THAT'S WHY I GOT TO KNOW IF MICKEY
AND LAURA ARE GETTING A DIVORCE.

WHO? MICKEY AND LAURA.

SANFORD AND SON IS FALLING APART AND
YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT MICKEY AND LAURA.

DON'T YOU REALIZE THEY'RE COMING IN
HERE TO TAKE EVERYTHING OUT OF HERE?

THEY AIN'T GONNA TAKE IT. I
JUST READ YOU THE LETTER.

YOU NEVER RECEIVED
THE LETTER. WHAT?

PUT IT BACK IN THE MAILBOX.

JUST LOOK AT THIS.

GAS. "FINAL NOTICE."

ELECTRIC. "FINAL NOTICE."
TELEPHONE. "FINAL NOTICE."

WHAT'S WITH ALL THESE FINAL NOTICES?
HAVEN'T YOU BEEN PAYING THE BILLS?

NOPE.

THE BILLS COME ON
TIME, DON'T THEY?

THE BILLS COME ON TIME, BUT THERE'S
BEEN A SLIGHT DELAY IN THE MONEY.

THAT'S WHAT I GET FOR LEAVING YOU
IN CHARGE OF RUNNING THIS PLACE.

YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
TO TAKE CARE OF NOTHING.

LISTEN, SON, WHEN I GOT
THE MONEY, I PAY THE BILLS.

AND WHEN I AIN'T GOT NO MONEY,
THERE'S ONLY ONE THING LEFT TO DO.

I KNOW. [ Both ] PUT 'EM
BACK IN THE MAILBOX.

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND,
POP? THEY'RE GONNA SUE US.

THEY AIN'T GONNA SUE YOU.
THEY JUST SAY THAT TO SCARE YOU.

YEAH, WELL, I'M SCARED. AS A MATTER
OF FACT, I'M SCARED OUT OF MY PANTS.

LISTEN. IF I'D HAVE BEEN
SCARED OUT OF MY PANTS...

EVERY TIME I'D BEEN
THREATENED TO BE SUED,

I'D HAVE SPENT MY WHOLE LIFE
IN NOTHING BUT SOME DRAWERS.

JUST... JUST LOOK AT THIS.

THE DRUGSTORE, 28 DOLLARS.

HOW'D YOU EVER RUN UP A BILL
OF 28 DOLLARS AT THE DRUGSTORE?

LET ME SEE THAT.

I NEED MY GLASSES.
GET YOUR GLASSES.

YOU BEEN IN MY
DRAWER MESSIN' AROUND?

YOU GOT ALL MY STUFF...

I KEEP MY STUFF ARRANGED
NEAT. YOU GOT MY...

NEVER FIND MY GLASSES.
PEOPLE GO IN YOUR DRAWER.

I NEED THESE HERE.
STAY OUT OF HERE.

28 DOLLARS FOR...

THESE ARE ALL THE THINGS I
NEED. YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?

MINERAL OIL, EPSOM
SALTS, PLUTO WATER.

THAT'S HOW I TAKE
CARE OF MYSELF.

YOU'RE A REGULAR
DOCTOR, AREN'T YOU?

I MIGHT NOT BE A
DOCTOR, BUT I'M REGULAR.

I DON'T UNDERSTAND YOU, POP.
I WORK LIKE A FOOL OUT THERE.

AND I BRING THE MONEY HOME.
HAVEN'T YOU BEEN KEEPING A BUDGET?

WHAT GOOD IS A BUDGET?

IF YOU WANNA KNOW IF
YOU'VE GOT ENOUGH MONEY

TO PAY YOUR BILLS, YOU
LOOK AT THE BUDGET.

THE BUDGET TELLS YOU
EVERYTHING THAT YOU NEED TO KNOW.

I CAN PUT MY HAND IN
THIS POCKET RIGHT HERE,

AND THAT TELLS ME
EVERYTHING I NEED TO KNOW.

IF THERE AIN'T NO MONEY IN THERE,
THEN THE BUDGET IS IN SERIOUS TROUBLE.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT WE GOT BILLS
HERE THAT RUN OVER 200 DOLLARS?

THEN WE'RE IN SERIOUS TROUBLE.

WHERE ARE YOU GOING? TO ASK
THESE PEOPLE FOR MORE TIME.

THIS IS THE MOST IMPORTANT
BILL THAT WE GOT, POP.

THE LUAU LAYAWAY
FURNITURE COMPANY.

THEY'VE ALREADY TURNED THIS
THING OVER TO A COLLECTION AGENCY.

THEY'RE GONNA BE THE FIRST
ONES TO GIVE US TROUBLE.

WHAT DO YOU WANNA CALL THEM FOR?

THEY DON'T WANT NO CONVERSATION.
THEY WANT SOME MONEY.

WELL, YOU'RE THE PERSON THAT
KEEPS ALL THE MONEY IN THIS FAMILY.

WHAT DOES THAT LOOK
LIKE? AN EMPTY POCKET.

THAT'S WHY I SAID PUT
'EM BACK IN THE MAILBOX.

THE PHONE IS DEAD.

EVERYBODY GOTTA DIE SOMETIME.

YOU GO IN THE KITCHEN AND
CHECK THE WATER AND THE GAS...

AND I'LL SEE IF THEY DONE
TURNED OFF THE ELECTRICITY.

- WELL?
- WATER'S ON. GAS OFF.

WE'LL BE HUNGRY,
BUT WE'LL BE CLEAN.

I'M GOING UPSTAIRS AND FILL UP THE TUB
WITH WATER BEFORE THEY TURN THAT OFF.

OKAY.

[ Knocking On Door ]

SEE WHO THAT IS,
BUT DON'T LET 'EM IN.

NO MATTER WHAT THEY SAY,
DON'T LET 'EM IN. YOU GOT THAT?

GOT IT. ALL RIGHT.

MR. SANFORD? HUH?

I HAVE A SUMMONS
FOR FRED SANFORD.

UH, NO HABLE, SENOR.

YOU'RE MR. SANFORD, AREN'T
YOU? NO SPEAK ENGLISH, POR FAVOR.

GRACIAS.

OH, YOU SPEAK SPANISH.

[ Speaking Spanish ]

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

YOU ARE MR. SANFORD,
AREN'T YOU? NO SPEAK ENGLISH.

COME ON. COME ON,
MR. SANFORD. TAKE IT.

MAN, GET YOUR ARM
OUT OF MY HOUSE.

- WHO IS THAT, POP?
- SOME GUY WITH A SUMMONS.

WELL, DON'T TAKE IT. I
AIN'T. WE DON'T WANT IT!

WELL, I'LL JUST TELL THEM IT'S BEEN
DELIVERED AND PUT IT IN YOUR MAILBOX.

HE GOT MORE SENSE THAN YOU.
THAT'S WHAT I BEEN TELLING YOU.

I BEEN TELLING YOU ALL MORNING,
PUT IT BACK IN THE MAILBOX.

IT'S NO GOOD UNLESS IT'S BEEN
DELIVERED TO THE PERSON...

THAT IT'S SUPPOSED TO
BE DELIVERED TO IN PERSON.

THAT WAS CLEVER. YEAH.

YOUR TURN.

OKAY, OKAY, I'LL JUST WAIT
OUT HERE UNTIL YOU COME OUT.

YEAH, YOU GONNA BE
WAITING A LONG TIME.

IF I WAS YOU, I WOULDN'T BE WAITING OUT
THERE THAT LONG IN THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

GET YOUR HAT BROUGHT
TO THE HOSPITAL.

SAY, POP, IT LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA
STAY FOR A WHILE. HE'S EATING HIS LUNCH.

THEY GOT US TRAPPED.
BUT THAT'S ALL RIGHT.

WE GONNA OUT-WAIT
'EM, JUST THE TWO OF US.

YEAH. I GOT A IDEA. GO TO THE DOOR AND
MAKE A LOT OF NOISE AND GET HIS ATTENTION.

AND THEN I'LL SNEAK OUT
FOR HELP. OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

I SAW IT IN A MOVIE ONCE.

RANDOLPH SCOTT AND HIS WIFE
SURROUNDED IN A MOUNTAIN CABIN.

INDIANS ALL THE WAY AROUND
'EM. ARAPAHO, SIOUX, CHEYENNE.

AND RANDOLPH SCOTT SAY, "HONEY,
YOU GO FOR HELP AND I'LL HOLD 'EM OFF."

HE TOOK OUT BOTH GUNS AND
STARTED SHOOTING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

AND HIS WIFE CAME BACK A LITTLE WHILE
LATER AND HAD 10,000 TEXAS RANGERS.

YOU THINK THEY'LL ALL
FIT IN THIS LIVING ROOM?

YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN.
YOU DRAW THEIR ATTENTION...

AND I'LL TAKE THE BILLS AND GO SEE IF I
CAN GET SOMEBODY TO LOAN US THE MONEY.

I GOT A BETTER IDEA
THAN THAT. YOU HAVE?

WE GO DOWN IN THE BASEMENT
AND GET A COUPLE OF SHOVELS...

AND WE'LL START
DIGGING A TUNNEL.

WE'LL DIG A DEEP TUNNEL ALL
THE WAY DOWN INTO THE GROUND,

UP THROUGH THE SEWER
PIPE AND OUT INTO THE STREET.

I LIKE YOUR IDEA
BETTER THAN I LIKE MINE.

I THOUGHT YOU WOULD.
I'LL TAKE THE BILLS WITH US.

AND ONCE WE GET OUT INTO THE
STREET, I CAN PUT 'EM BACK IN THE MAILBOX.

- IS HE STILL OUT THERE?
- YEAH.

LOOKS LIKE HE'S GONNA BE
THERE FOR A LITTLE WHILE.

IS THAT ALL THE FOOD WE
GOT? IT'S ALL I COULD FIND.

CAN OF PORK AND BEANS
AND A CAN OF ZUCCHINI.

AND THAT'S IT, HUH? THAT'S IT.

I CAN'T EVEN GET TO THE
MARKET WITH HIM OUT THERE.

SO YOU CAN HAVE A LITTLE PORK AND
BEANS NOW AND A LITTLE ZUCCHINI LATER...

OR A LITTLE ZUCCHINI NOW AND
A LITTLE PORK AND BEANS LATER.

OR YOU CAN HAVE A LITTLE PORK AND
BEANS AND A LITTLE ZUCCHINI NOW...

OR A LITTLE ZUCCHINI AND A
LITTLE PORK AND BEANS LATER.

OR IF YOU LIKE THE PORK AND
BEANS, YOU CAN HAVE THEM...

AND I'LL TAKE THE ZUCCHINI, OR I
CAN TAKE THE PORK AND BEANS...

IF YOU LIKE THE ZUCCHINI,
AND I'LL JUST KEEP THESE.

SO WHAT WILL IT BE? THE
ZUCCHINI OR THE PORK AND BEANS?

HAVE YOU FORGOTTEN WE HAVE
NO WAY OF HEATING THE FOOD?

WELL, IN THAT CASE,

YOU CAN HAVE SOME COLD PORK AND
BEANS NOW AND SOME COLD ZUCCHINI LATER.

OR YOU CAN HAVE...
WILL YOU STOP THAT.

[ Knocking On Door ]

[ Man ] HEY, SANFORD, OPEN
UP! I GOT A COURT ORDER!

HE'S NOT HERE. HE WENT TO
A JUNK CONVENTION IN MALIBU.

YEAH, HE WENT AS A
ALTERNATE DELEGATE.

I'M FROM THE HAMLIN
COLLECTION AGENCY,

AND I'VE GOT AN ORDER TO
REPOSSESS SOME FURNITURE...

FROM THE LUAU LAYAWAY
FURNITURE COMPANY.

NOW, OPEN UP. [ Lamont ]
YOU MUST BE OUT YOUR MIND.

THEN I'M GONNA HAVE
TO FORCE MY WAY IN.

YEAH, AND YOU'LL BE
IN A LOT OF TROUBLE.

YEAH, YOU'LL BE IN
A LOT OF TROUBLE...

'CAUSE WE GOT A LOT OF
FRIENDS IN WASHINGTON, D.C.

THAT'S RIGHT.

WE HAVE? WE MUST
HAVE. IT'S 80% BLACK.

YEAH. THAT'S RIGHT.

THEN I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT I'M GONNA DO.

I'M GONNA GO DOWN TO THE MARSHAL'S
OFFICE AND GET ME SOME DEPUTIES.

AND IF YOU DON'T OPEN UP,
WE'RE GONNA FORCE OUR WAY IN.

WELL, YOU JUST GO
RIGHT AHEAD, SMART GUY.

OKAY, I'LL BE BACK.
WE'LL BE WAITING FOR YOU.

THEY AIN'T COMING BACK.
I WOULDN'T SAY THAT, SON.

THEY ALWAYS COME BACK. I SAW IT IN
A MOVIE ONCE ON THE LATE, LATE SHOW.

EDWARD G. ROBINSON AND JAMES
CAGNEY AND WALLACE BEERY...

TRAPPED IN A MOUNTAIN CABIN.

FBI AGENTS HAD THEM SURROUNDED.
EDWARD G. ROBINSON SAY, "NYAH."

AND JAMES CAGNEY SAY,

[ Imitating Cagney ] "THEY WON'T BE
BACK. I KNOW THEY'RE NOT COMING BACK."

THEN HE RUSHED
OUT THE FRONT DOOR...

AND GOT CAUGHT IN A
CROSSFIRE OF MACHINE GUNS.

EDWARD G. ROBINSON SAY, "NYAH."
AND WALLACE BEERY SAY, "OH!"

ALL OF A SUDDEN, JAMES CAGNEY SAY,
"THEY GOT ME, DIRTY RATS. THEY GOT ME."

SEE? THAT WAS THE
NAME OF THE PICTURE.

"THEY ALWAYS COME BACK."

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. HERE YOU ARE
TALKING ABOUT SOME OLD DUMB MOVIE...

AND WE STUCK HERE IN THIS
HOUSE WITHOUT NO GAS, NO HEAT,

NO ELECTRICITY AND NO FOOD.

WE GOT FOOD. WE GOT PORK
AND BEANS AND ZUCCHINI.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE? THE COLD
PORK AND BEANS OR THE COLD ZUCCHINI?

JUST KEEP IT ALL. I JUST
WANNA GET SOME REST.

I DON'T KNOW HOW YOU CAN THINK
ABOUT RESTING AT A TIME LIKE THIS.

YOU GOT GOOD ZUCCHINI HERE.
IT'S SOME GOOD STUFF IN HERE. LOOK.

"DRIED CELERY, CITRIC ACID,

"DRIED GARLIC, BLACK
PEPPER, SWEET BASIL."

LOTS OF GOOD THINGS
IN HERE. SON, I... SON?

WELL, IF YOU WANNA SLEEP...

[ Crunching ]

WHAT WAS THAT?

HMM? THAT CRUNCH.

I HEARD A CRUNCH. I
DIDN'T HEAR NO CRUNCH.

ARE YOU EATING SOMETHING?
I AIN'T EATIN' NOTHIN'.

YOU ARE EATING SOMETHING. YOU'RE
EATING CRACKERS. I AIN'T EATIN' NOTHIN'.

ALL RIGHT, LET ME
HEAR YOU WHISTLE.

I DON'T BELIEVE YOU. HERE I AM READY
TO EAT COLD BEANS AND ZUCCHINI...

AND YOU SITTING OVER HERE EATING ALL THE
GOOD STUFF THAT YOU GOT HOARDED AWAY.

I AIN'T HOARDING NOTHIN'. I
FOUND THESE IN MY POCKET.

I HAD SOME SOUP DOWN
AT THE DINER LAST WEEK.

THEY BEEN IN MY POCKET A
WEEK. HERE. YOU TAKE 'EM.

I DON'T WANT NOTHING FROM YOU. AT A
TIME WE SUPPOSED TO STICK TOGETHER,

YOU PULL A ROTTEN STUNT
LIKE THIS, AND MY OWN FATHER.

WELL, DON'T YELL AT ME. YELL AT THAT
GUY OUT THERE BLOCKIN' THE MARKET.

HE'S NOT THE ONE THAT GOT
ME INTO THIS THING. YOU DID.

AND IT'S ALL BECAUSE YOU DON'T KNOW HOW
TO TAKE CARE OF NO BUSINESS AROUND HERE.

WHO DON'T KNOW HOW TO TAKE CARE
OF BUSINESS? CAN YOU DO BETTER?

A SIX-YEAR-OLD KID
COULD DO BETTER.

WHY DON'T YOU GET A SIX-YEAR-OLD
KID? BECAUSE I'M STUCK WITH YOU.

IS THAT WHAT YOU
ARE, STUCK? STUCK.

WELL, YOU WON'T BE
STUCK MUCH LONGER.

ANY DAY NOW, I'LL BE
GOING TO JOIN YOUR MOTHER.

DON'T START THAT AGAIN.

THEN YOU CAN GET A
SIX-YEAR-OLD KID TO HELP YOU.

THEN IT WON'T BE
SANFORD AND SON NO MORE.

IT'LL BE BIG DUMMY
AND LITTLE DUMMY.

[ Pounding On Door ]

HEY, SANFORD, OPEN UP! I
GOT TWO DEPUTIES WITH ME.

AND IF YOU DON'T OPEN
UP, WE'RE COMING IN.

BIG DUMMY, HUH? I'VE HAD IT
WITH YOU. I'M LETTING THEM IN.

I DON'T CARE. LET 'EM IN.

[ Speaking, Indistinct ]

COME ON IN, EVERYBODY.
THE PLACE IS YOURS.

NOW, THAT'S BETTER. I'M CERTAINLY GLAD
TO SEE THAT YOU'VE COME TO YOUR SENSES.

MR. FRED SANFORD?
I'M FRED SANFORD.

I JUST GOT BACK FROM MALIBU.

MUCHAS GRACIAS, SENOR.

SANFORD, I'M SORRY TO HAVE
TO DO IT THIS WAY, BUT IT'S MY JOB.

NOW, LET'S SEE. THEY SAID
THERE WAS ONE TELEVISION SET.

YEAH, THAT MUST BE IT. WAIT A
MINUTE. YOU CAN'T TAKE MY TV.

I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO KNOW IF
MICKEY AND LAURA GOT A DIVORCE.

YEAH. SEE, MICKEY AND
LAURA ARE GETTING A DIVORCE,

BUT MICKEY DON'T WANNA
GIVE UP HIS SON MICHAEL TO BILL,

EVEN THOUGH
MICHAEL IS BILL'S SON.

BILL DON'T WANT LAURA.
ONE REFRIGERATOR.

YOU CAN'T TAKE MY REFRIGERATOR.
THAT'S WHERE I KEEP MY APPLEJACK.

THERE'S NOTHING IN THE WORLD
WORSE THAN WARM APPLEJACK AND NO TV.

TWO BEDS. I GUESS
THOSE ARE UPSTAIRS.

WAIT A MINUTE. YOU
CAN'T TAKE MY BEDS.

YOU WANT ME TO SLEEP ON
THE FLOOR? I GOT ARTHRITIS.

YEAH, I KNOW.

JUST A MINUTE. CAN I TALK
TO YOU? COME HERE, OFFICER.

NOW, YOU A BROTHER. YOU
GONNA TAKE OUR STUFF?

WHAT CAN I DO,
BROTHER? IT'S MY JOB.

WELL, WHY DON'T YOU
GET A RESPECTABLE JOB?

YOU COULD GET A JOB SOMEWHERE DOWN
AT THE POST OFFICE OR IN THE CAR WASH.

SORRY, MAN.

CAN YOU GIVE ME SOME
SORT OF ARRANGEMENT HERE?

WE COULD PAY YOU
FIVE DOLLARS A MONTH...

I'M SORRY. IT'S TOO
LATE FOR THAT NOW.

YOU SHOULD'VE
THOUGHT OF THAT SOONER.

WAIT A MINUTE. I CAN'T LET YOU
UPSTAIRS. LET ME BY, MR. SANFORD.

COME ON, MR. SANFORD.
THE BEDS AREN'T MADE.

WILL YOU LET GO OF ME.
YOU CAN'T GO UPSTAIRS.

DON'T GO UPSTAIRS.
TAKE YOUR HANDS OFF ME.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

[ Screaming ] POP!

HE PUSHED ME. BUT I
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

HE PUSHED ME DOWN THE STEPS.

OH, SON!

HE PUSHED ME. I KNOW
IT'S SOMETHING BROKEN.

SON, HE PUSHED
ME DOWN THE STEPS.

SON, IT'S BROKEN. I
DIDN'T DO ANYTHING.

HE FELL. IT WASN'T MY FAULT.

ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOU THREW
AN OLD MAN DOWN THE STAIRS.

NO, I DID NOT. HE
SLIPPED ON THE CARPET.

YOU FELLOWS SAW THAT, DIDN'T
YOU? WE DIDN'T SEE ANYTHING.

- WE WERE UP IN THE BEDROOM.
- HE TRIED TO KILL ME, SON.

THINK I'LL EVER WALK
AGAIN? OH, SON, MY BACK.

WHAT IS IT, POP?
IS IT YOUR KNEE?

NO, IT'S MY BACK. I
MIGHT NEVER WALK AGAIN.

- YOU BUTCHER!
- LISTEN. IT WAS AN ACCIDENT.

- WHY DON'T YOU
GET HIM A DOCTOR?
- IT'S TOO LATE FOR A DOCTOR.

I THINK YOU BETTER
CALL REVEREND TRIMBLE.

I'M GONNA SEE THAT THEY LOCK
YOU UP FOR MANSLAUGHTER.

WAIT A MINUTE. THE MAN FELL.
I HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

HE FELL BECAUSE YOU PUSHED HIM.

IT WASN'T ENOUGH THAT YOU TRIED
TO TAKE ALL HIS FURNITURE AWAY.

- BUT YOU TRIED TO KILL HIM.
- YEAH. HE TRIED TO KILL ME.

YOU HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH? I'M COMING
TO JOIN YOU, HONEY, WITH A BAD BACK.

JUST TAKE IT EASY, POP.

LISTEN. YOU FELLOWS KNOW
I DIDN'T PUSH HIM. HE FELL.

YOU'LL BACK ME UP
ON THIS, WON'T YOU?

I DON'T KNOW. SOUNDS LIKE
HE'S GOT A PRETTY GOOD CASE.

OH, YEAH? LOOK, YOU KNOW
YOUR PEOPLE BETTER THAN I DO.

WHAT DO YOU THINK
THAT I SHOULD DO?

YOU WANT SOME REAL GOOD ADVICE?

IF I WERE YOU, I'D GET OUT OF THIS
NEIGHBORHOOD BEFORE IT GETS DARK.

I THINK I'D BETTER TRY
TO MAKE A DEAL WITH HIM.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA. ALL
RIGHT, YOU GUYS WAIT OUTSIDE.

BUT DON'T LEAVE WITHOUT ME.

LISTEN, SANFORD. I'M TERRIBLY
SORRY THAT YOU GOT HURT.

HOW ABOUT IF I DON'T
TAKE ANY OF THIS STUFF?

- AND I'LL TRY TO GET YOU
A LITTLE EXTENSION.
- HA! DID YOU HEAR THAT, POP?

HA! OH!

YOU'RE IN A LOT OF TROUBLE. I'M GONNA
SUE YOU FOR EVERY PENNY THAT YOU GOT.

I'M GONNA TAKE YOUR COLLECTION
AGENCY AWAY FROM YOU.

THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA
DO. TAKE IT, SON. TAKE IT...

SO YOU'LL HAVE ENOUGH
MONEY TO BURY ME WITH.

DON'T WORRY, POP. YOU'LL BE SORRY
YOU EVER SET FOOT IN THIS HOUSE, BUSTER.

THROWING AN OLD
MAN DOWN THE STAIRS.

YOU THINK I'LL EVER WALK AGAIN?

DON'T WORRY, POP. WE'LL WHEEL
YOU INTO THE COURTROOM...

AND YOU CAN TESTIFY FROM THE
WHEELCHAIR LIKE THAT DUDE IRONSIDE.

YEAH. I SAW IRONSIDE
LAST NIGHT ON TELEVISION.

AND HE WAS IN HIS CABIN
SURROUNDED BY CRIMINALS...

POP. NOW, LOOK,

MR. SANFORD, I'M SORRY
THAT THIS HAD TO HAPPEN.

BUT I DON'T THINK WE HAVE TO
GO TO COURT OVER THIS, DO WE?

I'M SURE WE CAN SETTLE
IT SOME OTHER WAY.

NO CHANCE. IT'S OUT
OF MY HANDS NOW.

IT'S UP TO A JUDGE
TO DECIDE THIS.

JUST LOOK AT MY POOR FATHER.

HE'LL PROBABLY
BECOME A VEGETABLE.

YEAH. AN OLD DRIED-UP ZUCCHINI.

ALL RIGHT. IT'S FORGOTTEN.

HEY, MAN, DON'T HIT
ME. I DIDN'T MEAN...

I BET I CAN GIVE YOU
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP.

ON TOP OF THAT, I'LL GIVE
YOU A HUNDRED DOLLARS...

TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR
LITTLE DOCTOR BILLS.

ARE YOU KIDDING? A HUNDRED
DOLLARS FOR A VEGETABLE?

ALL RIGHT, THEN MAKE
IT A HUNDRED AND FIFTY.

OH! FEEL LIKE MY RIBS
COMING THROUGH MY HEART.

- TWO HUNDRED.
- TAKE IT, SON. TAKE THE TWO HUNDRED.

I DON'T NEED A PRIVATE
ROOM. JUST PUT ME IN A WARD.

MAKE THAT OUT TO
ME SO I CAN SIGN IT.

- HE'LL PROBABLY
NEVER WRITE AGAIN.
- NEVER. NEVER WRITE AGAIN.

THERE YOU ARE. TWO
HUNDRED DOLLARS.

GET YOUR FATHER A DOCTOR AND
LET HIM HAVE A NICE EXAMINATION.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO TELL
US WHAT TO DO. WE KNOW.

YOU JUST SIGNED THIS
CHECK AND IT'S OVER FOR YOU,

BUT IT'S JUST STARTING FOR US...
THE TRIPS TO THE HOSPITAL, THE CLINIC.

TOMORROW YOU'LL BE BACK
IN THE COLLECTION BUSINESS,

BUT MY OLD MAN WILL BE AN OLD
CRIPPLE PARKED IN FRONT OF HIS TV SET.

YEAH. AN OLD CRIPPLED ZUCCHINI
WATCHING DAYS OF OUR LIVES.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY. WHY
DON'T YOU START WITH "GOOD NIGHT."

GOOD NIGHT? IS IT NIGHT
ALREADY? I BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.

IT'S OKAY, POP. THEY'RE
GONE. THEY GONE?

YEAH. WE BACK IN BUSINESS.

YOU WERE TERRIFIC.

YEAH? YOU WERE TERRIFIC.
WHAT A PERFORMANCE.

I WAS PRETTY GOOD, WASN'T
I? YEAH. HEY, 200 DOLLARS.

WE CAN PAY OFF ALL OUR BILLS AND
GET EVERYTHING TURNED ON AGAIN.

YEAH, FROM RAGS TO RICHES.
YEAH, WE'RE BACK ON EASY STREET.

TWO HAPPY PEOPLE...
SANFORD AND SON.

I WANT YOU TO PROMISE ME THAT YOU'RE REALLY
GONNA TRY TO WATCH THE BUDGET THIS TIME.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, TRYING
TO WATCH THE BUDGET?

THAT'S HOW WE GOT INTO
TROUBLE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

WE GOT IN TROUBLE 'CAUSE YOU
WEREN'T BRINGING ENOUGH MONEY HOME.

ARE YOU KIDDING? I WORK
LIKE A FOOL ON THAT TRUCK,

AND I COME IN HERE AND YOU'RE
ALWAYS WATCHING DAYS OF OUR LIVES.

YOU DON'T CLEAN UP THIS HOUSE
OR NOTHING. THIS WAS THE REAL TEST.

IT TAKES A LOT TO
COORDINATE THIS PLACE.

[ Both Arguing ]

WELL, HERE I AM,
READY TO GO TO DINNER.

WHAT ARE WE GONNA EAT?
STEAK? LOBSTER? ROAST BEEF?

OR SHOULD WE HAVE
A LITTLE BIT OF EACH?

SON, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

IT'S THIS CHECK, POP.
I FEEL FUNNY ABOUT IT.

YOU FEEL FUNNY? YOU
OUGHT TO FEEL GOOD.

WE GOT MONEY TO
PAY ALL THE BILLS.

YEAH, I KNOW, BUT IT'S THE
DISHONEST WAY WE GOT IT, POP.

IT'S ALMOST LIKE WE
STOLE IT. STOLE IT?

I WORKED FOR THAT MONEY.

DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH MONEY RICHARD
BURTON GETS FOR A ACTING JOB LIKE THAT?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M
TALKING ABOUT. WE WERE ACTING.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN? YOU
WANNA GIVE THE CHECK BACK?

WELL, GIVE ME MY HALF AND I'LL GO
TO THE DOCTOR AND GET A CHECKUP.

THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU. IF YOU GIVE
THAT MONEY BACK, I'M GONNA BE REAL SICK.

LISTEN. THIS IS
THE IDEA I HAD, POP.

WE'LL HOLD ON TO THE CHECK AND
WE'LL LOOK AT IT AS KIND OF A LOAN, SEE?

AND WE'LL PAY HIM A LITTLE BIT EVERY
WEEK UNTIL WE GET IT ALL PAID UP.

IT'S A SHAME JUST TO WASTE
A GOOD ACTING JOB LIKE THAT.

I'LL TELL YOU WHAT THEN.
WE WON'T GO OUT TO DINNER.

WE'LL JUST STAY HOME AND EAT
HERE AND YOU CAN SAVE THAT MONEY.

WELL, WHAT ARE WE GONNA EAT?

PORK AND BEANS AND
ZUCCHINI. ARE YOU SERIOUS?

UH-UH. JUST ANOTHER ONE
OF MY GREAT ACTING JOBS.

COME ON, SON.
LET'S GO TO DINNER.

[ Lamont ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.