Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 7 - A Pad for Lamont - full transcript

Fred busts up Lamont's romantic date with girlfriend Darlene, causing Lamont to decide that it is time the he get a place of his own. Moving out, he finds that living on his own is no picnic either. First, he has trouble finding a date, then he has trouble with an intruding landlady. Meanwhile, Fred has a string of dates, mostly widows, coming through on a nightly basis. Lamont comes back home and, too prideful to admit what really happened, tells his father that he is moving back home because he was worried about him being home alone.

[ Metal Clattering ]

I'M SORRY, DARLENE. LISTEN, I THOUGHT
MY DAD HAD CLEANED THAT STUFF UP.

WELL, THIS IS IT.

HOME, SWEET HOME. YOU LIKE IT?

YEAH. WELL, IT'S,
UH, DIFFERENT. YEAH.

YEAH, YOU KNOW, ACTUALLY, THIS IS
PART OF THE BUSINESS ESTABLISHMENT.

YOU SEE, THE LIVING
QUARTERS ARE UPSTAIRS.

YEAH. YOU'LL FIND THAT A LOT OF
PEOPLE ARE DOING THAT NOWADAYS,

COMBINING THEIR PROFESSIONAL
BUSINESS WITH THEIR HOMES.

IT'S VERY SMART, TAX-WISE.

DAD AND I ARE IN THE
COMMODITIES GAME.



I THOUGHT YOU WERE
IN THE JUNK BUSINESS.

WELL, YOU SEE, THAT'S JUST
THE COMMON NAME FOR IT.

NOW, YOU KNOW IN THE TRADE,
WE REFER TO IT AS "COMMODITIES."

OH, I SEE. YEAH.

I'D TAKE YOU UPSTAIRS AND SHOW
YOU THE UPSTAIRS LIVING QUARTERS,

BUT DAD'S UP THERE ASLEEP NOW,
AND WE DON'T WANT TO BOTHER HIM.

SEE, HIS ROOM IS
DONE IN LOUIS THE XIV,

AND MINE IS KIND OF
SWEDISH MODERN, YOU KNOW.

OHH! THIS IS MORE LIKE IT.

YEAH. JUST YOU AND ME.

UH, UH, HELLO, LAMONT.

I THOUGHT I HEARD
YOU COME IN. OH, HI, POP.

UH, POP, THIS IS
DARLENE EDWARDS.

DARLENE, THIS IS MY DAD,
FRED SANFORD. EVENING.



THAT'S S-A-N-F-O-R-D PERIOD.

SAY, POP, I THOUGHT
YOU WERE ALSEEP.

NOW, YOU KNOW I CAN'T EVER
SLEEP TILL YOU COME HOME.

OKAY, WELL, I'M HOME NOW,
SO YOU CAN GO TO SLEEP.

HEY, WHAT'S THAT AROUND YOUR
NECK? YOU GOT A SORE THROAT?

THIS HAPPENS TO BE AN ASCOT.

WELL, IF YOU GARGLE WITH SOME
WARM SALTWATER, YOU'LL GET RID OF IT.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT, POP. YEAH.

WHERE'D Y'ALL GO, TO A MOVIE?
YEAH, WE WENT TO A MOVIE.

I WAS WATCHING A MOVIE
HERE ON TV. A HORROR MOVIE.

A SCIENTIST DUG UP A
MUMMY 3,000 YEARS OLD.

AND HE BROUGHT IT BACK TO
LIFE AND FELL IN LOVE WITH HER.

NOW, ISN'T THAT
DISGUSTING? YEAH, RIGHT.

IT'S ALL RIGHT TO FALL IN LOVE WITH
SOMEBODY OLDER THAN YOU ARE.

BUT 3,000 YEARS? GEEZ!

WELL, GOOD NIGHT,
POP. GOOD NIGHT.

NIGHT, MISS, UH,
MISS, UH... EDWARDS.

EDWARDS. YEAH, EDWARDS.

EDWARDS? UH, IS YOUR FATHER
IN THE POULTRY BUSINESS?

NO. NO, HE ISN'T.

I USED TO BUY MY CHICKENS
FROM A GUY NAMED EDWARDS.

CLARENCE EDWARDS. YOU REMEMBER
HIM. NO, I DON'T REMEMBER, POP.

YEAH, I HAD TO GET... I HAD TO STOP
GETTING MY CHICKENS FROM HIM.

YEAH, HE SOLD ME A
BAD ONE. OH, REALLY?

YEAH. HE SOLD ME A CHICKEN
THAT DIED BEFORE HE COULD KILL IT.

YOU KNOW, EVERYTHING WAS
WRONG WITH THAT CHICKEN.

KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH
HIM? HE HAD A BAD HEART,

A BAD LIVER, A BAD KIDNEY, WELL,
IT'S GETTIN' KIND OF GETTING LATE, POP.

A BAD GIZZARD... IT'S GETTING LATE,
YOU KNOW. IT'S KIND OF LATE NOW.

YEAH. OKAY, SON.
NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT, POP.

NIGHT, MISS. GOOD NIGHT.

SAY, UH, POP? HUH?

WOULD YOU MIND TURNING
OUT THE LIGHT, PLEASE?

THANK YOU.

EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME. I THOUGHT I'D FIX
ME SOMETHING HOT TO DRINK.

IT HELP ME SLEEP. YOU
FOLKS WANT ANYTHING?

NO, WE DON'T WANT ANYTHING.

WELL, I'M GONNA
HAVE ME A HOT TEA.

YEAH. YOU FOLKS SURE
YOU DON'T WANT ANY?

POSITIVE, POP. WOULD YOU
JUST GO HAVE YOUR TEA?

I HATE TO WASTE
A BAG ON ONE CUP.

YOU KNOW, YOU CAN GET
THREE CUPS OUT OF ONE BAG.

YEAH, RIGHT. RIGHT, POP. WELL,

I'LL LEAVE THE BAG ON THE SINK
IN CASE YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND.

OKAY. JUST HAVE
YOUR TEA, ALL RIGHT?

OKAY, SON. I'LL
HAVE ME SOME TEA.

YOU BETTER NOT START ANYTHING. YOU'LL ONLY
HAVE TO QUIT WHEN HE COMES THROUGH AGAIN.

WELL, I WASN'T GONNA
START NOTHING, BABY,

BUT I DIDN'T WANT MY MOTOR
TURNED OFF COMPLETELY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, DARLENE? WHAT?

YOU REALLY KNOCK ME OUT. I DO?

OH, YEAH. YOU GOT ME RIGHT
IN THE PALM OF YOUR HAND.

I'M YOURS, MIND AND
BODY. ♪♪ [ Fred Singing ]

OH, NO. WELL, HE'S JUST SINGING.

I KNOW, BUT HE MAKES ME
NERVOUS, KNOWING HE'S IN THERE.

WOULD YOU JUST FORGET ABOUT HIM?

♪ HONEYSUCKLE ROSE ♪

♪ I DON'T BUY SUGAR
YOU JUST A ♪♪

I GOT MY TEA.

- GREAT.
- I PUT SOME APPLEJACK IN MINE.

YOU CAN DO THE SAME
THING, BUT IT MAKE YOU SWEAT.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT, POP. GOOD NIGHT.

NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

HEY, HOW DID JIMMY DURANTE
USED TO SAY GOOD NIGHT?

NIGHT, MRS. CALABASH,
WHEREVER YOU ARE.

♪ INKA DINKA DINK A
DINKA DINK A DINKA DOO ♪

♪♪ [ Continues Singing ]

SAY, POP? I KNOW.

PUT THE LIGHT OUT. THANK YOU.

♪ INKA DINKA DINKA
DINKA DINKA DOO ♪♪

WELL, I THINK WE'RE
FINALLY IN THE CLEAR NOW.

YOU KNOW WHAT YOU OUGHT TO DO,
LAMONT? MOVE OUT. GET A PLACE OF YOUR OWN.

THAT'S A GOOD IDEA, DARLENE, BUT
SEE, I DON'T KNOW IF I CAN DO THAT.

MY OLD MAN IS GETTING OLD,
AND HE KIND OF DEPENDS ON ME.

I KNOW, BUT YOU HAVE
NO PRIVACY THIS WAY.

WELL, WE HAVE NOW.

WE HAD TO WAIT A LITTLE BIT, BUT
I THINK IT WAS WORTH WAITIN' FOR.

'CAUSE NOW IT'S JUST YOU AND ME.

[ Fred ] WELL, IF
THAT DON'T BEAT ALL!

HERE HE COMES AGAIN.
FREEWAY FREDDY.

HEY, LAMONT, DO YOU WANNA
HEAR SOMETHING FUNNY?

THAT HOT TEA MADE ME HUNGRY.

YOU FOLKS CARE FOR
ANYTHING? NO, THANK YOU, POP.

I'M GONNA HAVE ME SOME EGGS.

WELL, IF YOU CHANGE YOUR
MIND, JUST CALL YOUR ORDER IN...

TO OLD FRED, THE
SHORT ORDER COOK.

YEAH. SCRAMBLE TWO
AND A SIDE OF BACON!

ORDER OF TOAST!
HEAVY ON THE BUTTER!

COMIN' UP!

♪ EVERY HONEYBEE ♪♪

OH, LAMONT, THIS IS
GETTING RIDICULOUS.

JUST WAIT A MINUTE, DARLENE. LISTEN, I'LL
GET THIS WHOLE THING SETTLED RIGHT NOW.

NOW JUST COME OVER
HERE AND SIT DOWN, AND

I'LL TAKE CARE OF THE
WHOLE THING, ALL RIGHT?

IT'S JUST TAKES A COUPLE WORDS,
AND I'LL STRAIGHTEN IT OUT. ALL RIGHT.

NOW JUST WAIT THERE.
♪♪ [ Fred Singing ]

WILL YOU SHUT UP!
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?

I'M JUST FIXING
SOMETHING TO EAT.

[ Both Arguing ]

JUST TRY TO KEEP IT DOWN,
FOR CRYING OUT LOUD!

WHY DON'T YOU GO ON BACK
OUT THERE? DON'T COME IN HERE.

DARLENE? DARLENE. DARLENE!

WELL, I HOPE YOU'RE
SATISFIED. SHE LEFT.

SHE DID? WHY DID SHE LEAVE?
WHAT DID YOU DO TO HER?

WHAT DID I DO TO HER?

POP, THIS WHOLE THING IS YOUR
FAULT. NOW, YOU KNOW THAT.

WHO ME?

WHAT DID I DO? YOU
KNOW WHAT YOU DID.

EVERY TIME I BRING
SOME CHICK HOME,

YOU FIND SOME
WAY OF LOUSIN' IT UP.

NOW, YOU KNOW THAT'S NOT
TRUE. WHEN YOU BRING A GIRL HOME,

I GO UPSTAIRS OR GO IN THE
KITCHEN AND SHUT THE DOOR.

YEAH, WITH YOUR EYEBALL
PRESSED UP AGAINST THE KEYHOLE.

ARE YOU KIDDING? I WOULDN'T WASTE
MY TIME WATCHING AN AMATEUR LIKE YOU.

I CAN SEE MORE SEX
ON THE 6:00 NEWS.

WELL, IF I AM AN AMATEUR, IT'S
'CAUSE I NEVER GET NO PRACTICE.

YOU'RE ALWAYS IN THE WAY, POP.

ARE YOU KIDDING? I LOST
ANOTHER ONE TONIGHT,

THANKS TO YOU. NOW, DON'T BLAME
ME 'CAUSE YOU CAN'T MAKE IT WITH GIRLS.

MAYBE THEY DON'T LIKE YOU.

YEAH, THEY DIG ME, ALL RIGHT, BUT I'LL
NEVER GET NO PLACE HANGIN' AROUND HERE.

DARLENE WAS RIGHT. I GOT
TO GET A PLACE OF MY OWN.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING
ABOUT? IT'S THE ONLY WAY, POP.

I DON'T HAVE ANY PRIVACY HERE.
AND IT'S RIDICULOUS ANYWAY.

A 30-YEAR-OLD MAN STILL LIVING AT
HOME. I GOT TO GET A PLACE OF MY OWN.

BUT YOU CAN'T LEAVE. WE GOT A
BUSINESS. WHAT ABOUT THE BUSINESS?

- WE STILL GOT THE BUSINESS.
- YEAH, BUT I'LL BE HERE ALONE.

OLD FRED, THE
LONESOME COORDINATOR.

I'LL SEE YOU EVERY MORNING WHEN I COME
TO WORK. WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

WHAT ABOUT TONIGHT?

WHAT IF I HAVE A HEART ATTACK
AND HAVE TO CALL THE DOCTOR?

YOU KNOW I CAN'T DIAL THE PHONE
ON ACCOUNT OF MY ARTHRITIS.

WOULD YOU CUT THAT OUT, POP? NOW,
YOU'RE NOT GONNA HAVE NO HEART ATTACK.

YOU'LL BE NICE AND COZY HERE
WITH YOUR NEWSPAPERS AND YOUR TV.

AND ANYWAY, MY MIND IS MADE UP.
THIS IS SOMETHING THAT I GOT TO DO.

SO I'M GOING. OKAY.

OKAY, I'M AIN'T GONNA
TRY AND STOP YOU. GOOD.

YOU WANT TO GO, GO. I'M GOING.

'CAUSE I KNOW YOU GOT YOUR
MIND MADE UP. THAT'S RIGHT.

BUT, BUT LISTEN, SON.

HOW WOULD IT BE
IF I WENT WITH YOU?

THEN WHAT'S THE POINT
OF ME LEAVING, POP?

DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THAT IT'S
YOU I'M TRYING TO GET AWAY FROM?

OH. I SEE WHAT YOU MEAN.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT. GOOD NIGHT.

UH, ARE YOU STAYING
HERE TONIGHT?

YEAH, I'LL STAY HERE TONIGHT.
I'LL LOOK FOR A PLACE TOMORROW.

THAT'S GOOD, BECAUSE
IN CASE I HAVE AN ATTACK,

YOU'LL BE HERE SO YOU
CAN DIAL THE PHONE FOR ME,

'CAUSE I CAN'T DIAL
ON ACCOUNT OF MY...

YOUR ARTHRITIS. I KNOW.

YOUR ARTHRITIS. NIGHT.

GOOD NIGHT.

COME IN THIS WORLD ALONE,
AND YOU GO OUT ALONE.

THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT IS.

YOU RAISE YOUR KIDS, AND SOON AS YOU
GET OLD ENOUGH FOR THE KIDS TO HELP YOU,

THEN THEY GO AND LEAVE.

♪♪ [ Whistling ]

HEY.

LET'S SEE NOW WHO'S GONNA BE THE
LUCKY LADY TO START THE BALL ROLLING.

DARLENE. SHE'S THE ONE
RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS WHOLE THING.

WELL, IT'S AN ENTIRELY
DIFFERENT BALL GAME NOW.

HELLO, DARLENE? HEY,
BABY, WHAT'S HAPPENING?

THIS IS LAMONT.

HELLO?

HELLO! DARLENE!

IF AT FIRST... AH, JOAN!

I'M GONNA CALL JOAN
'CAUSE I'M ALL ALONE.

JOAN.

HELLO, JOAN?

BET YOU'LL NEVER
GUESS WHO THIS IS.

NOPE.

NOPE.

NO. IT'S LAMONT.

LAMONT SANFORD.

YEAH, I KNEW YOU'D REMEMBER.

SAY, LISTEN, JOAN, I
WAS JUST WONDERING IF

MAYBE YOU AND ME COULD
GET TOGETHER TONIGHT.

YOU KNOW, I GOT MY OWN PLACE
AND EVERYTHING NOW, AND I...

WELL, CAN'T YOU GIVE YOURSELF
A FACIAL SOME OTHER TIME?

WELL, HOW LONG DO YOU HAVE
TO LEAVE THAT STUFF ON THERE?

NO, THAT'S ALL RIGHT. JUST
FORGET ABOUT IT. IT'S OKAY.

MIGHT AS WELL WAIT
TILL HER SKIN CLEARS UP.

JOYCE. CALL JOYCE AND REJOICE!

I'M GONNA CALL JOYCE 'CAUSE I
KNOW JOYCE AIN'T GOT NOTHING TO DO.

UH, HELLO. CAN I SPEAK
TO JOYCE, PLEASE?

WHO IS THIS?

OH, NO, I DIDN'T KNOW
SHE WAS MARRIED.

NO, NO, NO, NO, NO. NO MESSAGES.

NEVER MIND WHO'S CALLING.

WELL, HERE IT IS. I
HOPE YOU LIKE IT.

YEAH. IT SURE SMELLS GOOD.

I SURE APPRECIATE YOU
COMING AROUND TO HELP ME.

MAN, WHAT A RUMP ROAST.

THANK YOU. [ Laughs ]

YOU KNOW, I HAVEN'T SEE YOU SINCE
JOE HAD THE ACCIDENT AT THE FOUNDRY.

LET'S SEE NOW. HOW
LONG HAS THAT BEEN?

HOW LONG YOU BEEN A
WIDOW? IT'S BEEN A LONG TIME.

NEARLY SIX MONTHS.

YOU MUST BE KIND OF LONELY.

HAVE YOU THOUGHT ABOUT
GETTING MARRIED AGAIN?

YEAH, I THOUGHT OF IT,
BUT I'M KIND OF PARTICULAR.

HAVE YOU EVER
THOUGHT OF REMARRYING?

YEAH, I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,
BUT I'M KIND OF PARTICULAR TOO.

YOU ARE? YEAH.

I GUESS WE'RE JUST
TWO PARTICULAR PEOPLE.

THAT'S NICE. HEY, LISTEN.

YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN
COMING AROUND BEFORE.

WELL, I DIDN'T KNOW HOW
YOUR SON WOULD FEEL ABOUT IT.

I DIDN'T WANT HIM TO THINK I WAS
TRYING TO TAKE THE PLACE OF HIS MOTHER.

SEE, NOW THERE'S THE DIFFERENCE.
HE CAN NEVER HAVE ANOTHER MOTHER.

BUT I GOT TO HAVE ANOTHER MAMA.

AND NOW THAT LAMONT'S GONE
AND MOVED AND GOT HIS OWN PLACE,

YOU CAN COME AROUND
ANYTIME YOU WANT TO.

YOU REALLY WANT ME
TO? I SURE DO, ERNESTINE.

HEY, LET'S DRINK A LITTLE
TOAST TO THAT. ALL RIGHT.

I SAW THIS IN A MOVIE
ONCE. HOLD IT NOW.

HERE WE GO, LIKE THIS.
C'EST SI BON, ERNESTINE.

[ Phone Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

HELLO.

HEY, PEG. WH-WHERE ARE YOU?

WELL, THIS IS A FINE TIME
TO TELL ME YOU CAN'T COME!

WELL, LISTEN, I'VE GOT DINNER
COOKING AND EVERYTHING.

I GOT THE WHOLE
PLACED FIXED UP HERE.

WELL, WHAT HAPPENED?

OH, NO, LISTEN, I'M REALLY SORRY
TO HEAR THAT. NO, I'M REALLY AM.

BUT CAN'T YOU COME ANYWAY?

NO, I'M NOT BEING SELFISH.
LISTEN, I UNDERSTAND.

WHAT I DON'T KNOW IS WHY YOU
HAVE TO GO TO THE CHAPEL TONIGHT.

THE BODY WILL STILL
BE THERE TOMORROW.

YOUR UNCLE'S NOT GOING ANYPLACE.

NO, IT'S ALL RIGHT.
NO, I UNDERSTAND.

SOME OTHER TIME. BYE.

[ Knock On Door ] I'M COMING!

[ Lamont ] WILL YOU OPEN
THE DOOR? HOLD ON, WILL YA?

WHAT TOOK YOU SO LONG TO...

YOU'RE NOT EVEN DRESSED.
WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU?

I GOT TO BED LATE LAST NIGHT.

WHAT'S THIS? WELL, IT
WAS TOO LATE TO CLEAN UP.

SHE WANTED TO, BUT I
TOLD HER FORGET ABOUT IT.

MAN, WHAT A RUMP ROAST.

WHO'S SHE?

SHE? THAT'S THE SHE
THAT WAS HERE LAST NIGHT.

JOE CRAWFORD'S WIDOW.

YOU OUGHT TO BE ASHAMED
OF YOURSELF. ASHAMED?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT? WHAT'S
WRONG WITH HAVING A LITTLE COMPANY?

HOW YOU DOING WITH
YOUR PRIVACY? OH, OH!

EVERYTHING'S FINE, POP.
YOU KNOW. YEAH. YEAH?

THAT'S THE BEST THING YOU EVER DID,
GOING AND GETTING YOUR OWN PLACE.

SMARTEST MOVE I EVER MADE. YEAH.

I THOUGHT I WAS TOO OLD
FOR THIS KIND OF CARRYING ON.

SAY, YOU KNOW WHAT
ERNESTINE CALLS ME?

READY FREDDY.

WHO'S ERNESTINE?

I TOLD YOU SHE WAS
HERE LAST NIGHT.

WHEW! MAN, WHAT A RUMP ROAST.

WELL, I GOTTA GO TO WORK,
POP. I'LL SEE YOU LATER ON TODAY.

NOW, LISTEN, IF YOU WANNA COME
BY AND HAVE DINNER WITH US TONIGHT,

YOU'RE WELCOME. NO, I GOT
BIG PLANS FOR TONIGHT, POP.

GOT THEM CHICKS LINED
UP, AIN'T YOU? OH, YEAH.

LINED UP AND WAITIN'.
JUST ONE BIG PARADE.

YEAH. READY FREDDY
AND PROMPT LAMONT.

WELL, FINALLY.

WHY, HEY, I DIDN'T KNOW
YOU HAD YOUR OWN PLACE.

I TRIED TO TELL YOU, BABY,
WHEN I CALLED YOU. YOU LIKE IT?

I LOVE IT. IT'S...
IT'S REALLY YOU.

I THINK SO TOO. DID
YOU DO IT ALL YOURSELF?

WELL, MOST OF IT. JUST A FEW
THINGS I PICKED UP HERE AND THERE.

YOU KNOW, AT HUGHES
MARKET AND AT THE AKRON.

WELL, YOU HAVE VERY GOOD TASTE.

YEAH, I THINK SO.

SIT DOWN, MY DEAR. ALL RIGHT.

I'LL JUST PUT ON A
LITTLE MOOD MUSIC.

OH, THAT'LL BE NICE.

♪♪ [ Jazz ]

A LITTLE CHICO HAMILTON.

[ Knock On Door ] WHO'S THAT?

OH, JUST FORGET ABOUT IT. IT'S
PROBABLY SOMEBODY AT THE WRONG DOOR.

ALL RIGHT, THAT'S IT.

I DO NOT ALLOW VISITORS OF
THE OPPOSITE SEX AFTER 11 P.M.

WHAT KIND OF PLACE YOU
THINK I'M RUNNING HERE?

JUST A MINUTE... THAT
MEANS YOU, MISS! OUT!

YOU JUST CAN'T COME BUSTING IN
HERE, TELLING PEOPLE WHAT TO DO.

OH, YES, I CAN! DID YOU READ
THE RULES OF THE HOUSE?

WELL, THE RULES OF THE
HOUSE CLEARLY STATE

THAT THERE WILL BE NO
VISITORS AFTER 11 P.M.

NO VISITORS OF THE OPPOSITE
SEX. WELL, I PAID YOU THE RENT!

NOT ANYMORE, LOVER BOY.

WELL, JUST A MINUTE, SISTER. YOU CAN'T
COME IN HERE, SPITTIN' ON MY CANDLE.

PACK YOUR THINGS AND GET OUT!

I GUESS I TOLD HER.

SAY, DARLENE...

DARLENE! DARLENE! [ Dog Barks ]

WHO IS THAT? THAT YOU, LAMONT?

OH. HIYA, SON. HEY, POP.

I DIDN'T KNOW YOU WAS
COMING HOME. WHERE YOU BEEN?

I'VE BEEN OUT ON A DATE.

[ Sighs ] I'M SO TIRED.

SAY, YOU MOVIN' BACK HOME?

NO, I JUST CAME BY TO SEE
HOW YOU WAS DOIN', YOU KNOW.

OH. I SURE WISH YOU
MOVED BACK HOME, SON.

I NEED SOME PROTECTION.

YOU KNOW, THESE
WOMEN DRIVE ME CRAZY.

IT'S ONE BIG PARADE. NIGHT
AND DAY, DAY AND NIGHT.

THAT'S THE WAY IT'S BEEN, HUH?

YEAH, YOU KNOW HOW IT IS WHEN
YOU GOT YOUR OWN PLACE. YEAH.

THAT'S THE WAY IT
IS, ALL RIGHT. YEAH.

WHEW! THEY JUST
WON'T LEAVE YOU ALONE.

JUST AFTER YOU ALL
THE TIME. ALL THE TIME.

ALL THE TIME, POP.
THAT'S RIGHT. YEAH.

I'M TOO OLD FOR THIS
KIND OF CARRYING ON.

WHY DON'T YOU MOVE
BACK HOME, SON?

WHAT ABOUT MY PRIVACY, POP?

WELL, IF YOU WANT TO BRING A
GIRL HERE, I WON'T BOTHER YOU.

I PROMISE. OKAY?

WELL, AS LONG AS
YOU PUT IT THAT WAY,

I'LL COME BACK. GREAT.

GOOD, THEN LET'S CELEBRATE.
WE'LL HAVE A LITTLE NIGHTCAP.

I GOT SOME IMPORTED WINE
THAT ETHEL LEFT LAST NIGHT.

ETHEL? WHO'S ETHEL? THAT'S
BERNARD PATTERSON'S WIDOW.

SAY, YOU OUGHT TO BE
ASHAMED OF YOURSELF.

WELL, YOU WON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT THAT NO MORE, SON,

BECAUSE AFTER LAST NIGHT,

READY FREDDY AIN'T TOO STEADY.

[ Lamont Laughs ] YEAH, YEAH.

YOU KNOW WHAT I LIKE
ABOUT YOU, DARLENE?

HMM? YOU'RE WILLING
TO FORGIVE AND FORGET.

BUT YOU DON'T HAVE TO
WORRY ABOUT A THING, MY DEAR.

THIS IS AN ENTIRELY
NEW SITUATION...

THAT WE'RE ABOUT TO
EMBARK UPON. OH, IT IS?

YES. WHERE'S YOUR FATHER?

FORGET HIM. HE'S
UPSTAIRS SLEEPING.

OH, THAT'S NICE. YES.

SWEETHEART, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WHAT? I'M HUNGRY.

UH, WELL, LISTEN, THERE'S SOME
COLD CHICKEN IN THE REFRIGERATOR.

WOULD YOU LIKE TO
HAVE THAT? ANYTHING.

AND WE COULD HAVE,
UH, SOME COLD CHABLIS.

IT'S A VERY INTERESTING DRY WHITE WINE
THAT GOES WELL WITH JUST ABOUT ANYTHING,

AND THEN I'LL COME
BACK OUT HERE AND JUST...

DON'T GO AWAY. BE
RIGHT BACK. I WON'T.

[ Thump ] OW!

[ Lamont ] SANFORD AND SON IS RECORDED
ON TAPE BEFORE A LIVE STUDIO AUDIENCE.

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