Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 3 - Here Comes the Bride, There Goes the Bride - full transcript

Lamont is excited about his upcoming wedding, but on the big day he quickly finds himself the only one who is. The bride dumps him at the altar, and his relatives beg to get back their wedding gifts.

Come on, Pop. The taxi will be
here any minute. We gonna be late.

I'm comin'.

Well, here I am. How do I look?

How do you look? You look
like a well-dressed penguin.

I thought you'd like it.

I haven't had this suit on since
Joe Louis beat Max Schmeling.

Me and your mama
really celebrated that night.

Went to Club Alabam. We had fun.

How you feelin', son?

I feel terrible, Pop. I got
butterflies in my stomach,

and my heart's poundin',
and I can't keep my hands still.



It serves you right. The
whole thing is ridiculous.

It won't work. I give it two
weeks. Now, don't start that, Pop.

You been against this thing ever
since I told you I was gonna get married.

Who, me? Yes, you.

If I listened to you,
I'd never get married.

You just don't want
me to get married.

Well, you hardly know the girl.

How long y'all been going
together? Two months?

So what? How long did you go
with Mama? Two and a half years.

That's right. I went with your
mama two and a half years...

before I kissed
her on the cheek.

That was on New Year's Eve.

At 12:00. Straight up.

In the dark.



We do things a lot faster today.
And I don't want to talk about that, Pop.

Have you got the ring?
Yeah, I got the ring.

Are you sure? I'm sure.
What's the matter with you?

Where is it? I had it
right here in one of my...

I gave you that ring last
night. If you lost that ring...

Just settle down.
Here's the ring right here.

I got it wrapped up
here in this handkerchief.

Would you take it out of that handkerchief?
That's gotta go on her finger.

Well, I bet you my handkerchief
is just as clean as her finger.

Would you just
hold on to that ring?

Pop, where is the
cab? Where's the taxi?

I called them. Well, call 'em
again. They're not here yet.

They should've been here.
I called 'em an hour ago.

Get in there and call 'em
again. Everything goes wrong.

I'm getting married, man,
and the taxi's not even here.

Y'all gotta learn
how to relax. I'll...

Hey, Pop, tell 'em it's an
emergency, all right? I'll tell 'em.

Just hold on.

[ Mumbling ] [ Dialing ]

Hello. Say, is this
the taxi cab company?

Yeah, well, this is
Fred Sanford calling.

That's S-A-N-F-O-R-D
period, speaking.

Yeah, listen, I called for
a cab about an hour ago,

and so far, there
no cab come yet.

Huh? Hey, listen.

Is this a white cab company?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Uh-huh.

Y'all don't have to worry no
more. Everything is cool now.

No, look, if you don't want
to stop, just slow down.

We'll get in.

Okay, bye.

They ain't gonna come.

- What are we gonna do, Pop?
- Everything gonna be all right.

What are we gonna do?
Listen, we'll take the truck.

The truck? We're not gonna take this
old, broken-down truck on my wedding day.

What's wrong with that?
Everybody will be laughing at us, Pop.

They won't laugh. We'll park
the truck over there, by, uh,

by Mama's Kitchen,
around the corner.

Oh, just get in the truck.

♪♪ [ "I Love You Truly" ]

This place hasn't
changed much. What?

Church.

I haven't been here since
we laid your mother away.

That's a nice thing to
bring up on my wedding day.

Casket was sitting right here,
where you gonna get married.

Sure looked good, your mama
layin' there with a new dress on.

Looked good enough
to take to Chinatown.

I don't know what you had to
get married here for anyway.

Could've went on down
to City Hall and had it done.

Just a waste of
money, that's what it is.

I'd already told you, Pop.
Crystal wanted a church wedding.

Crystal? It wasn't Crystal. It
was the whole uppity family.

Bunch of jive niggers. Pop!

They're sittin' over there. They'll
hear you. Just keep it down.

Just don't be surprised if
they take you somewhere...

and make you put
on a chauffeur's cap.

See, they playin' Guess Who's
Coming to Dinner and you Sidney Poitier.

Look at 'em sitting over there
like they too good to mix with us.

They're not supposed to, Pop.

Never thought I'd see
the day where there'd be

segregation in Central
Avenue Baptist Church.

I told you. They're not supposed to
mix with us until after the wedding.

What did you say her old man
does? Work at a post office?

That's right. He works in a post
office. He's in charge of a window.

I bet he's in charge of all of
the windows... cleaning 'em.

I'm tellin' you, boy, you're makin' a
mistake gettin' mixed up with that bunch.

Pop, would you just
get used to the idea?

Now, we already agreed to
all the conditions you wanted.

Now we're going to get married,
and we're gonna live with you,

and I'm gonna
stay in the business.

We're gonna stay with
you right until the day...

that you get laid out in
this church, just like Mama.

And that might be the next service,
if you don't shut your big mouth.

I was thinkin' about you. You know,
you're just throwing your life away.

Throwing my life away?
I'm not Harry Belafonte.

I'm Lamont Sanford, a lousy
junk dealer who's over 30.

I'm lucky to get her. That girl could've
had her pick, but she picked me.

Now, Pop, this could be the happiest
day of my life if you'd just back off.

I ain't gonna say another thing.
Try to help you, but you won't listen.

So you on your own, boy. Good.

I'm gonna button
my lip. Perfect.

I ain't gonna say
one more thing.

Thank you.

I give it two weeks.

She's late, ain't she? I
bet she don't show up.

I thought you said you
were gonna shut up. Okay.

Okay.

I don't give it a week.

I bet she don't show up at all.

The bride has just
arrived, Mr. Sanford.

I lose.

I'm sorry? Nothing, Reverend
Trimble. He didn't say nothing.

Why don't you and your
father take your place.

You ready for the execution?

Need a blindfold?

♪♪ [ Organ: "Bridal March" ]

She ain't in no big hurry
to get up here, is she?

Maybe she got a bad heart.

Did she have a checkup?

You could be marrying
a very sick girl, son.

Think about them doctor bills.

Shh. Here she is.

Dearly beloved,

we're assembled here to join
together in bonds of Christian marriage...

this man and this woman.

It is these Christian bonds
that serve as an anchor...

for your continued happiness.

Who gives this woman
to be married to this man?

I do.

Do you, Lamont Grady Sanford,

take Crystal Simpson to
be your lawful wedded wife,

to love her...

and cherish her as
you do your own life...

until death do you part? I do.

Do you, Crystal Simpson,

take Lamont Grady Sanford to
be your lawful wedded husband,

to love him and cherish him...

as you do your own life
until death do you part?

No.

You have brought rings...

Wait a minute, Reverend
Trimble. She said no.

She did? I wasn't listening.

Crystal, honey, you were
supposed to say, "I do."

But I don't. I mean, I can't
marry him. I'm sorry, Lamont.

Well, this is very unusual.

I don't know... Did you
say somethin' to her?

I ain't said nothing
to her! Crystal, baby,

what's wrong? There's
nothing wrong, Mother.

I can't do it. I
changed my mind.

Oh, there, there, honey.

Well, you don't have to
marry him if you don't want to.

Thank you, Mother. Say, can we
have a few minutes alone together?

Come on, Crystal...
Take your hands off her!

She doesn't want to marry you. I knew
it was a mistake right from the beginning,

marrying a common,
ordinary junk man.

Now, listen, sister. Look,
man, stay out of this, Pop.

I ain't gonna let this
liver lip broad insult you!

Oliver, did you hear
what he called me?

Listen... Well, don't stand
there. Do something about this!

[ All Arguing ]

Oh, be quiet, everybody!

I just changed
my mind, that's all.

There's just no need
to go on like this.

You're all behaving
just... Just like children!

That's exactly right. [
Fred ] Yeah, that's right.

Say, Crystal, let's just go down to
city hall. Just the two of us, okay?

My daughter is not
going to marry you,

you nobody. Nobody?

If anybody marryin' nobody, it's
my son who ain't marryin' nobody.

Ain't nobody marryin' nobody.

[ Arguing Continues ]

Would you all just stop
it? Will everybody stop it?

Now just leave this thing up
to me and Crystal, all right?

Crystal? Crystal! Let her go!

She's gone! Let her go!
You're better off without her!

She's better off without him, you, you
junk dealer! You better get out of my face!

You too, you...

That was a nice service,
Reverend Trimble.

Thank you.

What'd she have to do
that for, Pop, huh? What for?

I don't know. Don't
worry about her.

She wasn't too much.
She had ugly legs.

She had beautiful legs. Skinny.

Skinny legs. Skinny legs.

In a few years, her
veins start showing.

Her leg look like Italian salami
with the rope wrapped around it.

Here. Have a drink.
Make you feel better.

I don't understand it,
Pop. She was so sweet.

Yeah. Sweet before the wedding.

Then after the wedding,
she'd be just like her mama:

King Kong in bloomers.

What did she have to show
up for just to say no, Pop?

She made me look like a fool.

Forget about her. Let's
eat some of this food here.

Look at the nice
gifts and everything.

What a spread. Lookee here.

You know, the delicatessen
did a good job, didn't they?

Look at all these nice things:
potato salad, slaw. And look here.

Here's some chopped liver.

That's Jewish soul food.

- Here. Have some.
- I don't want nothing to eat.

She made me look like a fool. Everybody
in this town's gonna be laughing at me.

"Lamont got stood up. He
got left waiting at the church."

Say, Pop, let's move back
east. It'll help me forget.

We could go to Newark.
They got a black mayor there.

Black mayor ain't
gonna help you forget.

He got enough
troubles of his own.

You just carry on, son. You
got your whole life before you.

Forget about that. Go out and have
some fun. Meet you a girl and live it up.

"Live it up." You got no feeling
at all, Pop, you know that?

I just got crushed. You
talkin' about "live it up."

Yeah, live it up.
See, it's like...

It's like biting an
apple in the dark.

See, if the first bite is sour, you turn
it around and nibble somewhere else.

That's really a gem, Pop.

That was beautiful.
Who said that, Confucius?

Confucius? No, I said it.

Always worked for me. You know, I
been through quite a few apples in my time.

Well, just go nibble your
apples and leave me alone.

I was thinkin' about you. Why don't we
just change clothes and go somewhere?

Let's go to the roller derby.

That's terrific. Maybe I'll
be able to pick up a skater.

Well, they ain't too bad. They
won't have no skinny legs.

You're ridiculous,
you know that?

I know how you feel, son.

So you had a disappointment.

See, it's like
cuttin' away a corn.

See, at first, the
toe is sensitive...

and then it hardens
up so you can walk.

Know what I mean? Yeah.

I got a disappointment,
and you got bad feet.

[ Knock On Door ]

It's the door. No kidding.

Well? Well, what?

Want me to answer it? No. Have
it framed and hang it on the wall.

Rosetta! Oh, you poor, poor...

What a terrible thing to happen.

It's a shame your mother
isn't here to see this day.

Only a mother would understand.
Thanks a lot, Aunt Rosetta.

If that two-faced little
brat comes around this

neighborhood, she'll
get a mouthful from me.

Now, just forget about it. Why
don't you have something to eat and...

Here. Have a drink. Oh,
no, I couldn't. I'm on a diet.

Well, since I'm here, I might
as well have a little taste of gin.

To settle my stomach. You
mean a water glass full of gin.

What do you mean by
that? You know what I mean.

No, I don't know what you mean.

The last time you settled your stomach,
it was so settled, you couldn't move.

I knew it. I knew it.
I knew it all the time.

I knew it. Didn't I
say so, Rosetta?

I knew it couldn't last. When I saw that
little ol' gal, I knew she was no good.

And her and her wiggly walk!

Oh, you poor thing. I
feel so sorry for you.

Oh, yes, I do. But I
knew it wouldn't last.

Thanks a lot, Aunt Hazel. I'll
tell you what you do, darling.

You just come on over to
our house and stay awhile.

You know, we love you.

Get away from old
sourpuss over there.

Hazel, how would you
like one across your lip?

You know, I don't mind givin'
the lady one across the lip.

And I bet that'll be the last time you
give somebody somethin' across the lips.

No, it won't. Oh, yes, it will.

If I hit you in the mouth, I bet your lips
get to the hospital before the ambulance.

No, they won't! Listen, I fought
heavyweights before, you know.

You better get... Hold it!

[ All Arguing ]

Why don't you just
stop it? Aunt Hazel.

Aunt Hazel? You
mean Witch Hazel!

Lamont, Lamont, I'm sorry as I
can be, boy. I don't know what to say.

Thanks a lot, Uncle Edgar.

I really felt sorry for you. When
that little girl ran out on you like that,

I was thinkin' to myself, "I'll bet he
feels like a real dummy up there."

That's what you
looked like up there.

A real dummy.

She made me look like a
fool, Uncle Edgar. Yeah.

What's gonna happen
if she shows up?

I'm gonna take her skinny
legs and tie 'em up in a knot.

It's definitely off, huh?
You can bet your sweet...

Pop! It's off.

What are you gonna be doin'
with the toaster? The what?

This toaster. The wedding present
your Aunt Elsie and me gave you.

Thanks a lot, Uncle Edgar. That's
just what we wanted. A toaster.

It's not much use to you
now, is it? No, I guess not.

I really didn't have a
chance to think about all this.

I was thinking, long as I'm
here... Well, you see, I mean...

Edgar, why'd don't you
just come on out and admit...

that you want your toaster back?

No, I was wondering. See, we don't
have one, and the thing cost 19.95.

You know good and well
you didn't buy that toaster.

That's something you
had left from the riot.

Now, wait a minute, Fred. Wait a
minute. That was a legitimate purchase.

I bought it. I bought
it... In a pool hall.

I'll tell you the truth. I was
gonna ask about these sheets.

Well, since they're
not gonna be used,

it's a shame to
make 'em go to waste.

And it wasn't monogrammed.
I can take them back.

Hey, kid, don't put your
feet up on my good couch.

Go on over there with the rest of
the kids and have a piece of cake.

This couch is for drinkin'.

What did you do with that
tablecloth I brought you?

I don't know, Aunt Hazel. It should
be here with all the rest of the presents.

Well, it's not here.
Well, I don't know.

It's suppose to be here
with the rest of the presents.

Or maybe you didn't think it
was good enough for you. Pop!

Have you seen her tablecloth?

Yeah, it's here on the
table. We're using it.

Well, that's a fine thing to do,

using the wedding presents
before they're even married.

Now we can't even take 'em
back. Well, I didn't get married.

- Don't look at me.
- I'll buy you another
tablecloth, Aunt Hazel.

Oh, no, no, no. It's
only me, your ol' aunt.

And my gift was the
first one they used.

And now I can't
ever take it back.

Well, I'll take the
cheese board back. Paul?

I may as well take
my toaster back.

Come on, you children.

[ Chattering ]

Say, what are you people
doin'? What are you... Just stop it!

- [ Whistles ] Would you just stop it?
- You tell 'em, son!

What's the matter with you
people? I don't believe you.

I just had the shock of my life less than
an hour ago, and what are you all doing?

You're standing around here worrying
about your dumb wedding presents.

Well, I don't want you or your
presents in my house for another second!

[ Yelling, Chattering ]

I'll tell you exactly
what you could do.

You could figure who
belongs to what out in the yard!

[ Crash ]

A-A-And don't say
we didn't feed you!

And... And here's some dessert!

Hazel, you never looked sweeter.

That was nice.

I enjoyed every moment.

What a disastrous
day this has been.

No, son, it's more like
the answer to a prayer.

"Lead us not into temptation."

You got detoured just in time.

Well, I'm goin' upstairs and stretch
out, Pop. I really need it after today.

Yeah, son, I know how you feel.

Oh. Say, Pop. Huh?

I forgot to cancel
the honeymoon suite.

Well, it's too late now. They're not
gonna give you your deposit back.

So why don't you go on out there
anyway? They got TV in the room.

You can watch the roller derby.

No. I don't think so.
I'm just going to bed.

Okay, son.

Hey, Pop, that hotel
is out by the beach.

How'd you like to spend a
few days near the ocean?

Me? Yeah. We could
take this champagne,

and we could take
a little vacation.

Vacation. Yeah. I'll get the checkerboard
and pack a couple of sweaters.

Okay. Hurry up. I'll
get some champagne.

Some champagne. Hey,
son, I was just thinking.

You know, things must be getting
better for us. What do you mean, Pop?

Well, me and your mama
could never afford a honeymoon.

And now look. Me
and you are going.

Get upstairs.

That was real nice. Yeah.

A couple of days at the ocean
will really do you good, Pop.

Sure will.

Wait a minute. Don't sit
down, son. Come here.

Look at this. What's this?

It's an ashtray. I picked it up
at the hotel where we stayed at.

Souvenir. A souvenir? It doesn't
even have the name on it, Pop.

It says, "Help
prevent forest fires."

Well, you and I will know.

And look here. Stationery? A
pen? You swiped all this stuff?

Don't say "swiped."
Look. A towel?

Why didn't you take the
lamp? I couldn't get it in the bag.

But I got this.

A lightbulb. Pop, you swiped all
this stuff. What'd you do that for?

Well, when they took all the...

It's supposed to be your wedding
and they took all the wedding gifts back,

so I thought I'd pick
you up a few things.

How about that?

A Bible? Pop, you stole a Bible?

We got a Bible upstairs.
You don't need this.

Well, we'll use
this one downstairs.

That way we'll
have full coverage.

And besides, I
didn't swipe the Bible.

It was in the honeymoon
suite. And look. It's brand new.

See, people don't have time
to read in the honeymoon suite.

Pop, it says right here in this
book, "Thou shall not steal."

And it also says in this book,

"The meek shall
inherit the earth."

So you got start somewhere.

Well, many happy returns, son.

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