Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 2 - Happy Birthday, Pop - full transcript

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ FRED SANFORD ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ TO ME ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY ♪

♪ TO ME ♪
"S."

SOCIAL SECURITY, "S."

♪ HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME ♪♪



[ Line Ringing ]

[ Ringing Continues ]

[ Woman ] ALL SOCIAL SECURITY
LINES ARE TEMPORARILY BUSY.

PLEASE REMAIN ON THE LINE,

AND ONE OF OUR SERVICE
REPRESENTATIVES WILL SPEAK TO YOU.

THIS RECORDING DOES NOT REPEAT,

SO PLEASE WAIT
UNTIL A LINE IS FREE.

BET I WOULDN'T HAVE
TO WAIT IF I WAS WHITE.

HELLO? YES. HUH?

NOW, IS THIS A PERSON
TALKING, OR IS THIS A MACHINE?

WELL, GOOD, 'CAUSE THIS IS A PERSON
TALKIN' TOO. YEAH, THIS IS FRED SANFORD.

THAT'S S-A-N-F-O-R-D
PERIOD, SPEAKIN'.

YEAH, I'M 65 YEARS
OLD TODAY. YEAH.

AND WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS, HOW DO
I START GETTING MY SOCIAL SECURITY?



TAKES HOW LONG?

THREE MONTHS?

WELL, HOW COME IT TAKES SO LONG?

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

WELL, I CAN SEE WHY
IT TAKES SO LONG.

WELL, OKAY, BYE.

WHAT'S HAPPENIN', POP?
HEY, SON. IS THAT FOR ME?

WHAT? THAT.

OH, NO. THESE ARE FOR ME. SEE, I
STOPPED BY THE GOODWILL STORE,

AND THEY WAS HAVING A
SPECIAL ON PAPERBACK BOOKS.

EIGHT CENTS APIECE.
YOU CAN'T BEAT THAT, POP.

HEY, HERE'S ONE. LOOK AT THIS.
THE EVERYDAY BOOK OF ETIQUETTE.

AND HERE'S ANOTHER ONE.

BASIC FUNDAMENTALS OF PLUMBING.

AND HERE'S ONE THAT WE
WAS REALLY LUCKY TO GET, POP.

A BEGINNER'S GUIDE
TO BETTER BOWLING.

NOW, THERE'S SOME
GOOD STUFF IN HERE, POP.

WE'RE GONNA IMPROVE OUR MINDS.

- FORGOT, DIDN'T YOU?
- FORGOT WHAT?

MY OWN SON, AND YOU FORGOT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN'
ABOUT, "I FORGOT"?

YOU KEEP TALKIN ABOUT I FORGOT SOMETHING,
I WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT IS I FORGOT.

FORGET IT.

WHEN YOU GET MY AGE,
YOU MIGHT AS WELL BE DEAD.

NOBODY KNOWS YOU'RE
AROUND. NOBODY CARES.

WON'T BE TOO MUCH LONGER. ANY DAY
NOW I'LL BE GOING TO JOIN YOUR MOTHER.

WELL, GOOD NIGHT,
SON. I'M GOING TO BED.

IF I'M LUCKY, I'LL SLEEP
UNTIL GABRIEL WAKES ME UP.

IF NOT, I'LL SEE
YOU THE USUAL TIME.

HEY, POP, MAYBE YOU'D LIKE TO
TAKE THIS WITH YOU. WHAT'S THAT?

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, POP.

YOU MEAN YOU DIDN'T FORGET?
OF COURSE I DIDN'T FORGET.

MAN, I HAD YOU GOING
THERE FOR A WHILE, DIDN'T I?

THAT'S A MEAN THING TO DO,
MAKIN' ME WAIT ALL DAY FOR IT.

HAD YOU GOIN'.

YOU THOUGHT I
FORGOT. YOU LIKE IT?

YEAH. IT-IT-IT'S...
IT'S A HAT, AIN'T IT?

NO. IT'S A LAMP SHADE.
OF COURSE IT'S A HAT.

HEY, COME OVER HERE,
POP, AND TRY IT ON MAN.

SEE IF IT'S THE RIGHT
SIZE. SEE, I WASN'T SURE.

AH, YEAH.

THAT LOOKS HIP, POP.
THAT LOOKS REAL HIP.

YEAH, I LOOK PRETTY GOOD. I HAD A
HAT LIKE THIS ONCE, BUT IT GOT RUN OVER.

SEE, THERE'S DIFFERENT THINGS YOU
CAN DO WITH THAT HAT, POP. UH-HUH.

YOU CAN SNAP DOWN THE
BRIM IN THE FRONT LIKE THAT.

LAMONT, I DON'T LIKE THAT.
MAKE ME LOOK LIKE A COP.

THAT WOULDN'T BE TOO
GOOD FOR THIS NEIGHBORHOOD.

OR, OR, OR YOU COULD BREAK
DOWN THE BRIM ON ONE SIDE LIKE THAT.

A WHOLE LOT OF PEOPLE
LIKE TO WEAR IT LIKE THAT.

NOW THAT MADE ME
LOOK KINDA QUEER.

YOU DON'T WANT YOUR DAD
TO LOOK QUEER, DO YOU?

NO, I LIKE IT MORE LIKE THIS.

THAT'S THE WAY REVEREND
TRIMBLE WEARS HIS.

YEAH, THAT'S THE BEST.
HEY, POP, LOOK RIGHT HERE.

YOU SEE RIGHT HERE ON
THE SWEATBAND, IT SAYS "F.S."

WHAT'S THAT? WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S YOUR INITIALS, POP.
WHAT YOU THINK IT WAS?

IT'S ON THE SWEATBAND. F.S."
COULD HAVE MEANT "FOR SWEATING."

WELL, YOU JUST TAKE
GOOD CARE OF THAT HAT.

AND I DON'T WANT YOU WEARIN' IT
AROUND HERE IN ALL THIS MESS. OH, I AIN'T.

YOU SEE, THAT HAT AIN'T FOR
EVERY DAY, YOU KNOW. I KNOW IT.

THIS IS FOR WEDDINGS AND FUNERALS
AND THE SOCIAL SECURITY OFFICE. YEAH.

YOU SEE, THAT HAT IS A LIGHT
GRAY, POP, AND IT'LL PICK UP SPOTS.

MM-HMM. I COULD'VE GOT YOU A...

I COULD'VE GOT YOU A BLACK
ONE OR A BROWN ONE, BUT...

GRAY SORT OF
HIGHLIGHTS YOUR FACE.

YEAH, IT DOES DO
THAT, DON'T IT? YEAH.

ALSO, BROWN WILL LIMIT
YOU IN YOUR WARDROBE.

YOU CAN WEAR GRAY
WITH ANYTHING, POP.

YEAH, THIS GO WITH
EVERY SWEATER I OWN.

YEAH. I'M GLAD YOU LIKE IT.

YEAH, I LIKE IT. HEY! I
ALMOST FORGOT THE CARD.

WAIT A MINUTE HERE.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD." SAY, POP, YOU'RE
NOT GONNA READ THAT OUT LOUD, ARE YOU?

OF COURSE I AM. I LIKE
TO READ IT OUT LOUD.

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD." YEAH,
BUT I KNOW WHAT IT SAYS, MAN.

I BOUGHT IT. YOU DON'T
HAVE TO READ IT OUT LOUD.

BUT I LIKE TO READ IT OUT LOUD.

NOW YOU HUSH. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY,
DAD." I DON'T KNOW WHAT FOR.

BECAUSE I LIKE TO. NOW HUSH!

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD."

- IT'S ONLY A CARD.
- WILL YOU HUSH?

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY, DAD.

"THE SENTIMENT I FEEL FOR YOU...

"I SIMPLY CANNOT HIDE.

"SO I WISH YOU HAPPY BIRTHDAY...

"WITH LOADS OF LOVE AND PRIDE.

"EVEN IF I DON'T TELL YOU...

"THAT YOU MEAN THE WORLD TO ME,

"YOU HAVE TO KNOW YOU'RE
EVERYTHING A WONDERFUL DAD CAN BE.

FROM YOUR LOVING SON, LAMONT."

THAT'S REAL SWEET.

WHY DIDN'T YOU WANT
ME TO READ IT OUT LOUD?

WELL, IT'S KINDA CORNY, POP.

CORNY? YOU MEAN YOU
DON'T BELIEVE WHAT IT SAYS?

I DIDN'T SAY THAT. IT'S JUST THAT
BIRTHDAY CARDS, THEY GET MUSHY.

MUSHY? THEN YOU DON'T
BELIEVE WHAT THE CARD SAID.

I DIDN'T SAY THAT. SEE, I LIKE THE
HAT, BUT I LIKE THE CARD BETTER.

ALL RIGHT, KEEP THE CARD,
AND I'LL TAKE THE HAT BACK.

NO, YOU GIVE ME THE HAT AND YOU
TAKE THE CARD. YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT.

I BOUGHT IT, DIDN'T I?
BUT YOU DIDN'T READ IT.

OF COURSE I READ IT.
BUT YOU DIDN'T BELIEVE IT.

THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK. YOU'RE
NEVER SATISFIED. THAT'S WHAT YOU THINK.

YOU AIN'T GOT NO
FEELINGS. AND YOU AIN'T GOT

NO GRATITUDE. I NEVER
HEARD YOU SAY THANK YOU.

OKAY. THANK YOU. OKAY!

SAY, YOU KNOW, THIS IS THE
BEST-LOOKIN' HAT I EVER OWNED.

BUT I LIKE THE
CARD... AND THE HAT.

WELL, THAT HAT AIN'T FOR EVERY
DAY, YOU KNOW. I KNOW THAT.

IF YOU WEARIN' THAT HAT WHEN IT STARTS
TO RAIN, POP, I WANT YOU TO TAKE IT OFF.

TAKE IT OFF IN THE
RAIN? THAT'S RIGHT.

IT'LL GET SPOTS, AND
YOU'LL HAVE A SPECKLED HAT.

BUT IF I TAKE IT OFF IN
THE RAIN, I'LL CATCH COLD.

A COLD YOU CAN GET
RID OF IN THREE DAYS.

A SPECKLED HAT
YOU'LL HAVE FOREVER.

I GUESS YOU'RE RIGHT. OF COURSE.

HEY, MAN, WE BETTER
START GETTING READY.

GETTING READY? YEAH.
WE GOING OUT TONIGHT.

WHAT FOR? WHAT FOR? THE
HAT'S ONLY HALF THE PRESENT.

I'M TAKING YOU OUT
TONIGHT. YOU ARE?

SURE. YOU'RE 65 TODAY, POP, AND I'M
GONNA TAKE YOU OUT INSTEAD OF SOME CHICK.

NOW, YOU KNOW, ME AND YOU DON'T GO
OUT TOGETHER NO MORE. WHY IS THAT?

'CAUSE I'M 65, AND
I AIN'T NO CHICK.

OKAY. WELL, I'M GONNA
TAKE YOU OUT FOR A DRINK,

THEN I'M GONNA TAKE YOU TO A MOVIE
THAT YOU NEED A RESERVATION FOR,

AND THEN WE GOING TO DINNER.

AND I'M GONNA WEAR MY NEW HAT
'CAUSE IT DON'T LOOK LIKE NO RAIN.

YOU CAN WEAR YOUR NEW HAT, BUT I WANT
YOU TO PUT ON A SUIT, A SHIRT AND A TIE.

I GOT TO PUT ON
A SHIRT AND A TIE?

POP, WHEN YOU GO OUT IN STYLE,
YOU WEAR A SUIT, A SHIRT AND A TIE.

WELL, OKAY. YOU GOT
ENOUGH GAS IN THE PICKUP?

NO, WE AIN'T TAKING NO OLD,
BROKEN-DOWN TRUCK ON THIS DATE.

WE GOING OUT HIGH-STYLE,
POP. WE GOING IN A TAXI.

A TAXI? IN A TAXI?

YEAH, THAT'S RIGHT.

YOU MEAN WE'RE GOING
IN A TAXI? IMAGINE THAT.

TAKIN' A TAXI AND AIN'T EVEN
NOBODY GOING TO THE HOSPITAL.

HEY, WHY'D I HAVE TO DRESS UP FOR
TO COME HERE, PUT ON A SHIRT AND A TIE?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT,
POP? THIS IS A NICE PLACE.

THIS AIN'T NO HONKY TONK BAR.

LOOK LIKE A BUNCH
OF HONKIES TO ME.

SAY, AREN'T YOU GONNA
TAKE OFF YOUR HAT? WHAT?

AREN'T YOU GONNA
TAKE OFF YOUR HAT? NO.

YOU CAN'T SIT IN HERE
WITH YOUR HAT ON. WHY NOT?

AIN'T GONNA BE NO PREACHIN'.
JUST GONNA BE SOME DRINKIN'.

EVENIN', GENTLEMEN.
GOOD EVENING.

WHAT'LL IT BE? WHAT ARE YOU
GONNA HAVE TO DRINK, DAD?

UH... GIVE ME A MINUTE. GIVE ME
ONE OF YOUR SHIRLEY TEMPLES.

[ Chuckles ] SHIRLEY TEMPLE.

HE'S ONLY KIDDING. HE KNOWS THAT'S
JUST SOMETHING YOU MAKE FOR KIDS.

ORDER SOMETHING ELSE, POP.

YOU GOT, UH... I LIKE BEER.
YOU GOT BEER ON TAP?

NO, SIR, JUST BOTTLED BEER.

I DON'T LIKE BOTTLED BEER. GOT
TOO MUCH GAS. MAKE ME BURP.

HAVE SOMETHING ELSE, POP.

I DON'T LIKE BOTTLED
BEER. MAKE ME BURP.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE
BOTTLE BEER. I DON'T LIKE TO BURP.

SAY, I LIKE CANNED BEER.
YOU GOT A CAN OF BEER?

NO, I'M SORRY, SIR. EXCUSE ME.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? WHY DON'T
YOU ORDER SOMETHING AND STOP MAKIN' A FUSS?

I ORDERED A SHIRLEY TEMPLE. IT'S
THE CHEAPEST THING THEY GOT HERE.

WOULD YOU STOP WORRYIN' ABOUT WHAT
EVERYTHING COSTS? I'M PAYING FOR THIS.

WELL, LET'S GO SOMEWHERE
WHERE THEY GOT SOME BEER ON TAP.

WHAT? LET'S FIND A SUPERMARKET
AND WE CAN GET A SIX-PACK...

AND DRINK IT IN THE PARKING LOT.

WELL, HAVE YOU DECIDED? SAY, HOW
WOULD YOU LIKE A NICE OLD-FASHIONED?

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?

DON'T BE CALLIN' ME OLD-FASHIONED.
YOU BETTER TALK TO HIM.

NOBODY CALLING ME... HE'S NOT
CALLING YOU OLD-FASHIONED, POP.

THAT'S THE NAME OF THE DRINK.
OH, WELL, TELL ME SOMETHING.

THAT'S WHAT HE'LL HAVE, AN
OLD-FASHIONED. FINE, AND FOR YOU?

UM, I'LL HAVE A VODKA MARTINI,

STRAIGHT UP, VERY DRY
WITH A TWIST OF LEMON.

AND DON'T STIR IT TOO
HARD. I DON'T WANT IT BRUISED.

HEY, THAT WAS FUNNY. YOU DON'T
WANT IT BRUISED. YOU BIG DUMMY.

WOULD YOU JUST QUIET DOWN?

HEY, THIS IS A NICE
PLACE, AIN'T IT, POP?

IT'S ALL RIGHT. AIN'T
GOT NO PINBALL MACHINE.

OF COURSE NOT. NOT IN A PLACE
LIKE THIS. IT MIGHT BE IN THE BACK.

HEY, YOU GOT A PINBALL MACHINE?

I TOLD YOU THEY DIDN'T HAVE NO PINBALL
MACHINE. EVERYBODY'S LOOKING AT YOU.

WELL, LET 'EM LOOK,
BUT DON'T LET 'EM TOUCH.

HERE WE ARE. A VODKA
MARTINI AND AN OLD-FASHIONED.

- WHERE'S THE ICE CREAM?
- THE ICE CREAM?

LOOK LIKE A SUNDAE
TO ME. [ Chuckles ]

HOW MUCH DO WE OWE YOU
FOR THE DRINKS? THAT'LL BE $2.50.

TWO DOLLARS AND FIFTY CENTS?

TWO-FIFTY? HERE'S THREE
DOLLARS. KEEP THE CHANGE.

OH, THANK YOU VERY
MUCH. AND A FIFTY-CENT TIP.

THREE DOLLARS FOR TWO
DRINKS. WE COULD'VE GOT

A HALF CASE OF MUSCATEL
FOR THREE DOLLARS.

WOULD YOU JUST PIPE
DOWN AND DRINK YOUR DRINK?

OH, WOW. THAT'S SWEET. WHY,
THAT'S LIKE DRINKIN' SYRUP.

IF YOU'RE GONNA GET ME SOME SYRUP, WHY
NOT GET ME SOME HOTCAKES TO GO WITH IT?

ALL RIGHT, JUST DON'T DRINK IT.

NOW LET'S GET OUT OF HERE. IT'S
ALMOST TIME FOR THE MOVIE ANYWAY.

GOOD. I DON'T CARE
IF WE DO LEAVE HERE.

AIN'T GOT NO BEER ON TAP, AND
THEY SERVIN' THEM SWEET DRINKS...

AND DON'T EVEN HAVE
A PINBALL MACHINE.

WHAT KIND OF PLACE... HEY, GET
A PINBALL MACHINE IN THIS PLACE!

HEY, MAN, WATCH THAT
HAT. OH, EXCUSE ME.

WOW. YOU KNOW WHAT?
YOU SURE CAN PICK 'EM.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT
NOW? THIS FIDDLER ON THE ROOF.

WHATEVER IT IS.
WHAT IS IT? WHAT IS IT?

IT'S A MUSICAL, POP.
A GREAT MUSICAL.

OH! [ Blows Raspberry ]
I DON'T BELIEVE YOU.

YOU SIT THERE AND YOU WATCH IT, AND
YOU STILL DON'T KNOW WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.

I KNOW WHAT IT'S ALL ABOUT.
IT'S ALL ABOUT A MILKMAN...

WITH A UGLY WIFE
AND FIVE DAUGHTERS,

AND HE'S ALWAYS FUSSIN' AT GOD.

OH, MAN. I TAKE
YOU TO A MOVIE...

THAT WAS THE BIGGEST HIT ON BROADWAY,
AND IT DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' TO YOU.

DON'T MEAN NOTHIN' TO
ME 'CAUSE I AIN'T JEWISH.

THEN HOW COME IT RAN FOR ABOUT SEVEN
YEARS IN NEW YORK? WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

THAT MEANS A WHOLE
LOT OF JEWS IN NEW YORK.

AND I WAS READIN' ABOUT HOW IT
WAS A BIG HIT OVER IN JAPAN TOO.

WHOLE LOT OF 'EM OVER THERE TOO.

YOU DON'T KNOW NOTHING. YOU
KNOW WHAT THE TROUBLE WITH YOU IS?

YOU DON'T HAVE WHAT
IT TAKES TO UNDERSTAND.

IF IT AIN'T SOME TV SHOW,
THEN YOU JUST DON'T DIG IT.

IT'S GOTTA BE SOMETHING YOU
CAN UNDERSTAND, LIKE GUNSMOKE.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH GUNSMOKE? THERE'S
NOTHING WRONG WITH GUNSMOKE, POP.

IT'S JUST THAT
THERE'S OTHER THINGS.

AT LEAST MARSHAL DILLON DON'T
STAND AROUND COMPLAINING.

YOU KNOW DON'T CATCH
HIM YELLING UP AT THE SKY.

IF SOMETHIN' BOTHERS
HIM, HE JUST DRAW HIS .45...

HE DON'T EVEN
HAVE TO BOTHER GOD.

THERE'S NO USE TALKIN'
TO YOU. [ Buzzer Sounding ]

HEY, COME ON. THE
SECOND HALF IS STARTING.

YOU MEAN THERE'S MORE?

OF COURSE THERE'S MORE. WE ONLY SEEN
HALF OF IT. I AIN'T GOING BACK IN THERE.

WHAT DO YOU MEAN, YOU'RE
NOT GOING BACK IN THERE, POP?

DON'T LET ME STOP YOU. YOU GO
ON BACK IN. I'LL TAKE THE BUS HOME.

SEE, YOU DID PLENTY. YOU BOUGHT ME A
NEW HAT AND BOUGHT ME A SWEET DRINK.

SEE, I'LL JUST GO ON HOME AND
WATCH TV WITH MY NEW HAT ON.

OH, COME ON. LET'S GO. NO,
DON'T LET ME SPOIL IT FOR YOU.

NO, I TOLD YOU I WAS GONNA
TAKE YOU OUT TO DINNER.

I HOPE YOU LIKE THIS
PLACE 'CAUSE YOU AIN'T

LIKED NONE OF THE OTHER
PLACES WE'VE BEEN TO.

WELL, I LIKE WHERE WE'VE BEEN GOING,
BUT I DON'T LIKE WHAT WE'VE BEEN GETTIN'.

GENTLEMEN, THE SECOND HALF
IS STARTING. YOU BETTER HURRY.

OH, MAN, THE MOVIE'S TOO LONG. DON'T WANT
TO HEAR THAT. GET THEM CARTOONS OVER HERE.

[ Man ] THIS WAY, GENTLEMEN.

HERE'S A NICE TABLE FOR TWO.

SAY, UH, WE'RE GONNA
NEED ANOTHER CHAIR.

THREE CHAIRS? YEAH.
ONE FOR ME, ONE FOR HIM...

AND ONE FOR MY NEW HAT.

EXCUSE ME, SIR,

THANK YOU. CAN I USE
THAT NAPKIN? OH, YES, SIR.

I'LL BE RIGHT BACK WITH A MENU.

[ Speaking Chinese ]

HEY, THIS IS A REAL CHINESE
RESTAURANT, AIN'T IT?

NO, IT'S A PIZZA PARLOR.

OF COURSE IT'S A
CHINESE RESTAURANT.

I CAN'T EAT IN HERE. I
CAN'T EAT THAT CHINK FOOD.

ARE YOU GONNA START AGAIN?

NO, YOU NEVER KNOW WHAT
THEY GONNA HAVE IN IT, SEE.

REALLY. I HEARD OF A
FELLA ONCE WHO WAS EATING

SOME CHOP SUEY, AND YOU
KNOW WHAT THEY FOUND?

I DON'T WANT TO
HEAR ABOUT IT. SOAP.

THAT'S WHAT THEY FOUND IN IT.

SEE, THESE PEOPLE DO THEIR
COOKIN' AND LAUNDRY IN THE SAME POT.

SAY, THIS IS IN CHINESE. WE WON'T
EVEN KNOW WHAT WE'RE EATIN'.

THE ENGLISH IS ON THE OTHER
SIDE. AND I'LL DO THE ORDERIN'.

UH, WE'LL HAVE
SOME EGG FOO YUNG,

SOME, UH, LOBSTER CANTONESE,

SOME PINEAPPLE CHICKEN
AND SOME FRIED WON TON.

FRIED WON TON? WHAT'S THAT?

THAT'S CHINESE KREPLACH.

OH, I AIN'T GONNA EAT THAT.
THAT STUFF WILL KILL YOU.

WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE, SIR?

I'D LIKE SOME HAM
HOCKS AND LIMA BEANS.

ARE YOU CRAZY? YOU KNOW
THEY DON'T HAVE THAT HERE, POP.

THIS IS A CHINESE RESTAURANT.

NOW, JUST RELAX. YOU'LL
LIKE WHAT I ORDERED.

THAT'LL BE ALL, WAITER.
THANK YOU. THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU KNOW, THESE CHINESE
SURE ARE GETTING PUSHY.

MAYBE WE SHOULDN'T
HAVE LET THEM IN THE U.N.

HEY, LISTEN, WANT MY SON
TO HELP YOU WITH THAT CHECK?

WHAT? NO, HE KNOWS THIS
PLACE. MAYBE HE CAN HELP YOU.

OH, NO, THANK YOU.

HEY, LOOK HERE. I WOULDN'T BE
HERE, IF IT WEREN'T FOR MY SON.

THIS IS MY BIRTHDAY.
OH, IS THAT SO?

YEAH. I'M 65 TODAY.

I DON'T LOOK IT,
DO I? NO, YOU DON'T.

- POP, WHY YOU STOP IT?
- I'M TALKING TO THIS MAN
OVER HERE.

I GOT FREEDOM OF SPEECH.

HEY, LOOK HERE. THIS DINNER IS
JUST PART OF MY BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

YEAH, MY SON BOUGHT
ME THIS NEW HAT.

WELL, IT'S VERY NICE.
YOU'RE A VERY LUCKY MAN.

YEAH, I FIGURE I'M LUCKY.

HEY, LISTEN HERE. HE
TOOK ME TO THE MOVIE TOO.

WE SAW THAT PICTURE,
UH, FIDDLER UP A ROOF.

YOU SEE THAT YET? NO, NOT YET.

WELL, SAVE YOUR MONEY 'CAUSE WE
LEFT IN THE MIDDLE OF IT, IT WAS SO BAD.

IS THAT SO? I HEARD
IT WAS VERY GOOD.

HE MUST BE ONE OF 'EM.

WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU? THAT WAS
A GOOD MOVIE, AND I LIKED WHAT I SAW OF IT.

OH, WHAT YOU KNOW, DUMMY?

OKAY, DARLING? HEY, HEY, LISTEN.

I DON'T LOOK 65, DO I?

NO, YOU DON'T. HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

HEY, THANKS A LOT.

HEY, THAT'S A NICE WHITE FELLA.

YOU'RE A PEST. A GREAT BIG PEST.

YOU WAS BEING A PEST WHEN
YOU WAS BUGGING THAT MAN.

NOW I WANT YOU TO JUST SIT HERE AND
MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS, ALL RIGHT?

EGG FOO YUNG.

LOBSTER CANTONESE.

PINEAPPLE CHICKEN.
[ Speaking Chinese ]

THIS IS, UH, FRIED WON TON.

[ Chinese ] VERY GOOD.

OOH, THAT SMELLS!

IT SMELL LIKE INSECT SPRAY.

I'LL BET YOU THEY GAVE IT A SHOT
SO THAT WHEN IT GOT OUT HERE,

WOULD NOTHIN' ON THE PLATE MOVE.

THAT DID IT. NOW I'VE HAD IT.

I HAD IT WITH YOU AND THIS WHOLE
DUMB EVENING AND ALL YOUR COMPLAINING.

YOU DON'T HAVE TO EAT THAT STUFF. YOU DON'T
HAVE TO DO NOTHING 'CAUSE I'M LEAVING.

THERE'S NOTHING
THAT SATISFIES YOU.

WAITER, CAN I HAVE
THE CHECK, PLEASE?

HERE. TAKE THIS $5.00 AND
GO BUY YOUR OWN DINNER...

AND CELEBRATE YOUR
BIRTHDAY THE WAY YOU WANT TO.

BUT THIS IS IT WITH ME
AND YOU FOR TONIGHT.

IS ANYTHING WRONG, SIR? NO,
EVERYTHING IS FINE. I JUST HAVE TO LEAVE.

HERE. KEEP THE
CHANGE. THANK YOU, SIR.

YOU WANT TO TAKE FOOD HOME?

YOU WANT DOGGIE
BAG? I DON'T THINK SO.

CHINESE FOOD GOOD FOR YOU.

LOTS OF VEGETABLE,
RICE. VERY HEALTHY.

I DON'T LIKE CHINESE
FOOD. MAKE ME BURP.

I'M SORRY, SIR.

[ Grumbling ]

I'M NOT GONNA EAT THAT.

[ Thunder Crashing ]

SAY, POP, WHERE'S BREAKFAST?
MAN, I GOTTA GET GOIN'.

POP!

YOU AIN'T EVEN DRESSED! AIN'T
YOU GONNA COOK BREAKFAST?

I AIN'T COOKIN'
NOTHING. I'M RETIRED.

RETIRED?

YEAH. I APPLIED FOR
SOCIAL SECURITY.

AND YOU KNOW HOW
MUCH I'LL BE GETTING?

THEY PAY HIGH AS $213.10.
THAT'S ENOUGH FOR ME TO RETIRE.

ARE YOU CRAZY? THEY'RE
NOT GONNA PAY YOU THAT

MUCH 'CAUSE YOU HAVEN'T
EARNED THAT MUCH.

OH, YEAH? WAIT AND SEE. THEY PAY
YOU ACCORDING TO WHAT YOU'VE EARNED.

I AIN'T DONE NOTHING
FOR YOU AND NOBODY ELSE.

YOU'RE LOOKIN' AT
A MAN OF LEISURE.

SAY, WHAT'S THAT NUMBER THERE?

FIVE, FIVE, FIVE,

ONE, NINE,

SEVEN, THREE.

YEAH, YOU'RE ON YOUR OWN, BOY.

HELLO, SOCIAL SECURITY?
THIS IS FRED SANFORD.

THAT'S S-A-N-F-O-R-D
PERIOD, SPEAKING.

YEAH, I'M APPLYING FOR SOCIAL
SECURITY AND WHAT I WANT TO KNOW IS,

HOW MUCH WILL I BE
GETTIN' EVERY MONTH?

YEAH, I'LL WAIT. SANFORD.

IF I WAS YOU, I'D GO ON DOWN TO
THE DINER AND GET SOME BREAKFAST...

'CAUSE THIS KITCHEN IS
CLOSED, DUE TO RETIREMENT.

HELLO? YEAH. DID YOU FIND IT?

HOW MUCH? HOW COME?

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

UH-HUH.

HOW YOU WANT YOUR EGGS?