Sanford and Son (1972–1977): Season 1, Episode 1 - Crossed Swords - full transcript

♪♪ [ Piano ]

[ Fred ] ♪ MO... MORNIN' ♪

♪ NO ONE COULD BE SWEETER ♪

♪ THAN MY SWEETIE
WHEN I MEET HER ♪

♪ IN THE MORNIN' ♪

♪ MORNIN' ♪

♪♪ [ Piano Playing Continues ]

♪♪ [ Singing Continues ]

[ Horn Honks ]

♪ IN THE MORNIN' ♪

♪ NOTHING COULD BE FINER
THAN TO BE IN CAROLINA ♪♪



HELLO, LAMONT. I
THOUGHT I HEARD YOU, SON.

YEAH, I HEARD YOU
TOO, LIBERACE. HUH?

NOTHING. JUST GRAB
THAT BOX OF BOTTLES...

AND DON'T TOUCH WHAT'S
ON THE FRONT SEAT.

WHAT DID I JUST SAY? YOU SAID DON'T
TOUCH WHAT'S ON THE FRONT SEAT.

THEN DON'T TOUCH IT. DON'T
TOUCH IT. DON'T TOUCH IT.

WELL, WHAT'S IN IT? YOU'LL SEE.

DIDN'T I TELL YOU... NEVER MIND.

WELL, WHAT'S EATIN' YOU?

WHAT WERE YOU DOING IN THERE, MAN,
PREPARING FOR ANOTHER CONCERT TOUR?

YOU AND FATS DOMINO. YOU
JUST GO ON AND ON, DON'T YOU?

GEEMONETTY. WHAT
A TALENT. WHAT A GIFT.

AND ALL IN THEM TEN
DIRTY LITTLE FINGERS.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKIN' ABOUT, HUH?



I'M TALKIN' ABOUT YOU
SITTIN' AROUND HERE ALL DAY,

GETTING YOUR
JOLLIES ON THAT PIANO,

WHILE I'M OUT THERE IN THAT
JUNGLE, SLAVIN' MY GUTS OUT.

NOW, THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKIN'
ABOUT. GO GET ME THE FUNNEL.

NOW, LISTEN... GET THE FUNNEL.

ARE YOU RUNNIN' THIS
JOINT, OR AREN'T YOU?

NOW, IF YOU DONE
RETIRED, JUST TELL ME.

I MEAN, THAT'S OKAY.
JUST LET ME KNOW,

AND I'LL FIND YOU ONE OF
THEM OLD FOLKS' HOMES...

WHERE YOU CAN SIT AROUND ALL DAY,
PLAYING CHECKERS AND EATIN' GRITS.

Y-YOU FINISHED?
YEAH, JUST ABOUT.

ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'M
GONNA SPLIT THIS JOINT, MAN,

'CAUSE I'M GETTIN' SICK AND TIRED OF DOING
ALL THE WORK, WHILE YOU PLAY THAT PIANO.

LET ME TELL YOU
SOMETHIN', BOY. I WASN'T

PLAYIN' THAT PIANO. I
WAS CLEANIN' THAT PIANO.

THAT IS THE BEST THING WE GOT IN THE
PLACE, AND I WANT TO KEEP IT LOOKING GOOD.

AND I DO RUN THIS JOINT, AND I WORK
JUST AS HARD AS YOU DO, MAYBE HARDER.

UH-HUH. GO SEE IF WE GOT
ANY BOURBON UP THERE. I DO.

SORTIN', ARRANGIN', SELLIN'.

BOURBON. COORDINATE. THAT'S
WHAT I DO. I COORDINATE HERE.

I COORDINATE EVERYTHING
IN HERE. OH, WOW.

SAY, LAMONT, WHAT
DOES YOUR OLD MAN DO?

WHY, MY OLD MAN IS A
COORDINATOR IN A JUNKYARD.

I GOT TO GET OUT OF
HERE. THIS IS RIDICULOUS.

WHY ARE YOU ALWAYS
TALKIN' ABOUT LEAVING?

IF YOU'LL JUST BE PATIENT,
I'LL BE GONE SOON...

AND ALL THIS WILL BE YOURS.

ARE YOU SERIOUS?

DO YOU THINK I GONNA STAY IN THIS
RIDICULOUS BUSINESS ALL MY LIFE?

I'M GOING ON TO BIGGER AND
BETTER THINGS. LIKE WHAT?

LIKE... LIKE SHIPBUILDING.

SHIPBUILDING? YEAH,
THAT'S RIGHT, SHIPBUILDING.

WITH WHAT I KNOW ABOUT IRON AND
STEEL, MAN, I COULD BECOME A MILLIONAIRE.

JUST LIKE THAT GREEK CAT
THAT MARRIED JACKIE KENNEDY.

AND YOU KNOW SOMETHING? HE
STARTED OUT POOR, JUST LIKE ME.

ONLY ONE DIFFERENCE.
WHAT'S THAT?

HE STARTED OUT A GREEK.

WILL YOU GO GET THE BOURBON?

YOU KNOW, BOY, ONE OF
THESE DAYS, I WON'T BE AROUND.

I'LL BE GOING TO
JOIN YOUR MOTHER.

WHY DON'T YOU STOP? NO,
THAT'S THE WAY IT HAPPENS.

THE WIFE DIES AND
THE HUSBAND FOLLOWS.

USUALLY OF A BROKEN HEART.

I WAS READIN' IN THE PAPER THE OTHER
DAY: "WIFE DIES, THE MATE FOLLOWS."

HEY, POP, NOW, YOU KNOW
MAMA'S BEEN DEAD FOR 23 YEARS.

WELL, SOMETIME IT
TAKES A LITTLE LONGER.

AND TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I'M SURPRISED I'VE BEEN AROUND
THIS LONG WITH THIS HEART.

YEAH, ME TOO.

NOW, YOU KNOW, YOU BEEN COMPLAINING ABOUT
YOUR HEART FOR AS LONG AS I CAN REMEMBER.

NOW, THEY SAY IF YOU HAVE
THREE HEART ATTACKS, YOU'LL DIE.

NOW, POP, YOU
DONE HAD AT LEAST 15.

HEY, DON'T CORK THAT.
LET ME HAVE A LITTLE TASTE.

NO! NOW, THIS IS FOR WHEN
WE HAVE COMPANY. COMPANY?

WE AIN'T HAD NO COMPANY SINCE
WE'VE BEEN HERE. GIVE ME A LITTLE TASTE.

HOW DO YOU EXPECT ME TO BUILD
A BAR IF YOU DRINK IT ALL? I SAID NO.

JUST ONE LITTLE TASTE. I
SAID NO! NOW GET OUT OF HERE!

UH-OH.

NOW YOU'VE DONE IT.

YOU REALLY GOT ME
UPSET. THIS IS A BAD ONE.

OH!

IS IT A TIGHT FEELING
ACROSS THE CHEST? YES.

PAIN IN THE BACK AND
LEFT SHOULDER? YES.

LITTLE DIZZINESS? KIND OF
SICK TO YOUR STOMACH? YES.

I GUESS YOU'RE HAVING NUMBER 16. COME
ON OUT HERE AND HELP ME UNLOAD THIS TRUCK.

WHAT LUCK. UNGRATEFUL
SON, LONELY EXISTENCE,

BAD HEART.

AND NOT ONE LOUSY
PIECE OF BRASS.

SAY, SON, WHERE WOULD
YOU GO IF YOU DID LEAVE?

I JUST TOLD YOU. I GOT PLANS.

I JUST CAN'T STAND
BEING POOR LIKE THIS.

POOR? YOU THINK THIS IS POOR?

WHEN I WAS A KID, THERE WAS
SEVEN OF US IN THE FAMILY. SEVEN.

WE SLEPT IN THE SAME ROOM,

SAME BED, SAME UNDERWEAR.

THAT'S POOR.

WHEN I WAS A YOUNGSTER, I WORE
ONE PAIR OF TENNIS SHOES FIVE YEARS.

WORE 'EM OUT UP TO
THE NAME ON THE ANKLE.

DO YOU KNOW THEM SHOES
THEY HAD CALLED KEDS?

I WORE MY TILL THEY SAID "K-S."

NOW, THAT'S POOR. YOU
THINK YOU DOIN' BAD?

BOY, YOU'RE ROLLIN' IN
THE LAP OF LUXURY HERE.

HEY, WHAT'S IN
THERE? NOW, JUST...

JUST KEEP YOUR HANDS
OFF THIS AND GET BACK.

THIS THING IS VERY FRAGILE, AND
IF YOU MAKE ME TRIP AND FALL...

WELL, YOU BETTER NOT MAKE ME
TRIP AND FALL. OPEN THAT DOOR.

OPEN THE DOOR. NOW GET
OUT THE WAY. GET OUT THE WAY.

WHAT'S IN THE BOX? NOW JUST
GO OVER THERE AND SIT DOWN.

NOW, I'LL SHOW YOU THIS
THING WHEN I'M READY.

SIT.

SIT!

GOOD BOY.

I GOT SOMETHING HERE,
POP, I WANNA SHOW YOU.

YOU AIN'T SEEN
NOTHIN' LIKE THIS.

LOOK AT THAT.

NOT A MARK ON IT.

IT'S PERFECT. DON'T YOU TOUCH.

PERFECT. THAT'S
WHAT IT IS. IT'S PERFECT.

IT LOOKS LIKE A PRETTY
GOOD PIECE OF CHINA.

CHINA? YOU CAN'T EVEN TELL
CHINA FROM PORCELAIN, POP.

THIS IS PORCELAIN.
GENUINE PORCELAIN.

- SO IT'S PORCELAIN.
- SO IT'S PORCELAIN.

NOW, THERE'S THE DIFFERENCE RIGHT
THERE BETWEEN A JUNK DEALER, WHICH IS YOU,

AND A COLLECTOR, WHICH IS ME.

NOW, SEE, I READS
ALL ABOUT THIS STUFF.

NOW, CHINA IS THE COMMON NAME FOR ALL KINDS
OF DISHWARE, AND THAT INCLUDES CROCKERY.

NOW PORCELAIN IS OF HARD PASTE.

IT'S WHITE, THIN AND TRANSLUCENT
WHEN HELD UP TO THE LIGHT.

A THING OF BEAUTY, CLASS.

THAT'S ME. I AM PORCELAIN.

YOU ARE CROCKERY.

HOW WOULD YOU LIKE
ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP?

YOU KNOW, YOU'RE NOT TOO
BIG TO GET ONE ACROSS YOUR LIP.

OKAY, POP. BUT JUST LOOK AT
IT. NOW LOOK HERE UNDERNEATH.

NOW, YOU SEE THOSE CROSSED
SWORDS? CAN'T SEE 'EM.

WELL, GO GET YOUR GLASSES. WAIT
A MINUTE. I'LL GO GET MY GLASSES.

I BET I'LL SEE 'EM THEN.

YOU SEE? NO, I CAN'T SEE IT YET.

YOU SEE? WAIT A
MINUTE. I GOT SOME HERE.

HERE'S SOME GOOD
ONES HERE. YOU SEE?

WAIT A MINUTE.

YOU SEE? AH,
YEAH, I SEE 'EM NOW.

THAT'S THE TRADEMARK
FROM SOME FAMOUS COMPANY.

NOW, THAT MEANS
THIS THING IS VALUABLE.

BUT IF THEY ARE REAL, HOW'D
YOU GET YOUR HANDS ON IT?

OKAY, I'M GONNA TELL YOU.

I'M DRIVING ALONG A STREET IN HOLLYWOOD...
CHEROKEE, VISTA... I DON'T REMEMBER.

BUT IT'S IN A NEIGHBORHOOD WHERE
A LOT OF OLD MOVIE STARS LIVE NOW.

RETIRED, SOCIAL SECURITY, YOU
KNOW. ANYWAY, I'M DRIVING ALONG,

AND I'M LOOKING FOR A GARAGE SALE
OR A HOUSE THAT'S BEING WRECKED.

ALL OF A SUDDEN, THERE'S THIS
WOMAN STANDING OUT BY THE CURB,

MESSIN' AROUND IN THE TRASH
CANS IN FRONT OF A HOUSE.

WHITE WOMAN? YEAH.
SHE'S GOT ORANGE HAIR.

SHE'S GOT ORANGE HAIR, AND
SHE'S WEARING A NEGLIGEE.

DON'T MESS AROUND
WITH THEM, BOY.

THIS NEGLIGEE WAS ONE
OF THEM SEE-THROUGH

THINGS, AND SHE WAS
WEARING A PAIR OF MULES.

DON'T FOOL AROUND WITH THEM,
ESPECIALLY IF THEY'RE WEARING THEM MULES.

POP, THIS WOMAN WAS
ABOUT 90 YEARS OLD.

AIN'T NOTHIN' ON EARTH UGLIER
THAN A 90-YEAR-OLD WHITE WOMAN.

THE NEGLIGEE WAS
KIND OF TORN, SEE,

AND ONE OF THEM MULES WAS
MISSING A POM-POM. UH-HUH.

NOW, I'M SURE SHE WAS AN
OLD MOVIE STAR. MM-HMM.

I MEAN FROM THE SILENT FLICKS.
SHE HAD TO BE IN THE SILENTS...

'CAUSE SHE WAS OLD, AND
SHE HAD A TERRIBLE VOICE.

"COME HERE, SONNY, I WANT
TO SHOW YOU THIS PIECE."

YEAH, THAT'S THE
WAY THEY TALK. YEAH.

SO SHE CALLED ME OVER, SEE,

AND SHE STARTED TO TELLING ME
ABOUT THIS ANTIQUE PIECE THAT SHE HAD.

SHE SAID THE ONLY REASON
THAT SHE WAS WILLING TO SELL IT...

WAS THAT SHE DIDN'T
HAVE NO MONEY, YOU KNOW.

SHE SAID ALL SHE WANTED
WAS TEN BUCKS FOR IT.

I GOT TO THINKIN', POP, THAT
SAD OLD LADY, SHE DIDN'T KNOW.

I DIDN'T HAVE THE HEART,
SO I GAVE HER 15 BUCKS.

WHAT? SHE ASKED FOR
10, AND YOU GAVE HER 15?

AN OLD, UGLY WHITE WOMAN?

YOU BIG DUMMY.

BIG DUMMY? FIFTEEN DOLLARS
FOR AN ANTIQUE PIECE?

THE ONLY WAY WE'RE GOING TO FIND OUT
IF IT DIDN'T COME FROM THE DIME STORE,

IS TAKE IT BACK TO HOLLYWOOD.

SEE, THEY GOT SOME SHOPS
OVER THERE ON WESTERN AVENUE.

WESTERN AVENUE? NO. YEAH.

I'M TAKIN' THIS BABY STRAIGHT
TO BEVERLY HILLS, MAN.

ONE OF THEM CLASSY JOINTS
WHERE YOU REALLY GET THE PRICES.

YEAH.

POP, I GOT A FEELIN' ABOUT THIS.

WE GONNA HIT IT BIG THIS TIME.

I MEAN BIG.

[ Ringing ] UH, YES?

OH, I'M SORRY. DELIVERIES
ARE IN THE REAR.

DELIVERIES? WHY,
YOU... WAIT A MINUTE, POP.

NO, LISTEN! NEXT THING,
HE'LL BE CALLING US "BOY."

LET'S GET ON OUT OF
HERE. WAIT A MINUTE, POP.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.
YOU SEE, MY PARTNER AND I,

WE'VE GOT THIS ITEM HERE
THAT WE'RE ALMOST POSITIVE...

OH, JUST SHOW HIM
THE THING, LAMONT.

OH, VERY INTERESTING.

WHERE DID YOU GET
THIS? WHAT'S IT TO YOU?

WHY DO YOU ASK? YOU THINK
WE'RE THIEVES? THINK WE STOLE IT?

GIVE HIM ONE, LAMONT.
GIVE HIM ONE ACROSS HIS LIP.

NOW, LOOK, YOU
DON'T HAVE TO WORRY.

SEE, I PURCHASED THAT ITEM
FROM A WOMAN IN HOLLYWOOD.

AND IF YOU WANT HER ADDRESS,
I'LL BE GLAD TO GIVE IT TO YOU.

WELL, I WOULDN'T. I'D BE GLAD
TO GIVE HIM ONE ACROSS HIS LIP.

COOL IT. CONTINUOUSLY.

LISTEN, WE'RE BUSINESSMEN.

I GOT A TRUCK OUTSIDE
WITH MY NAME ON IT.

"SANFORD AND SON." I'M
SANFORD AND THIS IS SON.

YOU WANT SOME IDENTIFICATION?
HERE SOME IDENTIFICATION FOR YOU.

CREDIT CARDS. SEARS ROEBUCK.

MONTGOMERY WARD. J.C.
PENNEY. ARE YOU KIDDIN'?

RIGHT HERE. THERE'S MY PASTOR'S
NAME AND ADDRESS AND PHONE NUMBER.

YOU CAN GO BY AND SEE
THE REVEREND TRIMBLE.

HERE'S MY CARD RIGHT HERE:
EXALTED RULER OF THE WILD MOOSE.

ARE YOU KIDDIN', YOU
WANT IDENTIFICATION?

WE DON'T NEED HIM, LAMONT.
LET'S GET ON OUT OF HERE.

NO, NO, NO, NO, JUST A
MOMENT. PLEASE, PLEASE.

I'M TERRIBLY SORRY. YOU SEE,
WE HAVE TO ASK THESE QUESTIONS.

YOU SEE, THIS HAPPENS TO BE A VERY
RARE PIECE OF MEISSEN PORCELAIN.

PROBABLY AROUND 1740.

IT COULD BE THE
WORK OF J.J. KAENDLER,

THE MASTER MODELER
OF THAT PERIOD.

AND THEY SELL FOR A WHOLE
LOT OF MONEY, RIGHT? YEAH, OL' J.J.

YOU SEE, THE CROSSED
SWORDS ACROSS THE BOTTOM...

ARE THE TRADEMARK
OF THE MEISSEN PEOPLE.

YEAH, THE CROSSED SWORDS, THAT
TELL THE WHOLE STORY RIGHT THERE.

NOW, I'M PREPARED
TO OFFER YOU...

THAT'S GENUINE PORCELAIN.
AND THAT AIN'T CROCKERY.

- $750.
- $750 FOR THAT?

- I THINK IT'S A FAIR PRICE.
- $750?

WELL, PERHAPS I COULD
STRETCH IT A LITTLE.

ALL RIGHT, 850.

EIGHT-FIFTY? WE'LL TAKE
IT. NO. I DON'T KNOW NOW.

I'M GONNA HAVE TO
DISCUSS THIS WITH MY

PARTNER BEFORE WE MAKE
ANY DEFINITE DECISIONS.

WELL, LOOK, THIS
WON'T TAKE LONG.

LISTEN, IF HE'S WILLIN' TO
GIVE US 850 BUCKS FOR THAT,

HOW MUCH IS IT WORTH
ON THE OPEN MARKET?

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THE
MARKUP IS ON THAT STUFF?

IF HE OFFERS US 850, IT'S
GOT TO BE WORTH TWICE THAT.

MAYBE TWO, THREE THOUSAND
DOLLARS. IF YOU CAN GET IT.

LOOK, LAMONT, YOU ONLY
PAID $15 FOR IT. LET'S SELL IT.

WE'LL TAKE IT! WE'LL TAKE IT!

NOW, LISTEN, NOW, IT'S MY...

IT'S MY PIECE, I FOUND IT, AND
I'M GONNA PUT IT UP FOR AUCTION.

I JUST DECIDED.
BUT IT'S HALF MINE.

WE PARTNERS, AIN'T
WE? AND I WANT TO SELL.

WE'LL TAKE IT! WE'LL
TAKE IT! STOP IT.

LISTEN TO ME. NOW,
YOU'LL GET YOUR SHARE...

AND A LOT MORE
IF WE DO IT MY WAY.

WE GONNA TO PUT THAT THING UP FOR
AUCTION. THAT'S WHAT WE GONNA DO.

I'M AWFULLY SORRY TO TAKE SO
LONG HERE, BUT MY PARTNER AND I,

WE'VE DECIDED NOT TO SELL
AT THIS PARTICULAR TIME.

I'M AWFULLY SORRY. I THINK
YOU'RE MAKING A TERRIBLE MISTAKE.

I THINK HE'S MAKING A TERRIBLE
MISTAKE TOO. I TOLD YOU, LAMONT.

I TOLD YOU TO GET THE MONEY.

WE'LL TAKE IT! WE'LL TAKE IT!

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MAY I HAVE YOUR ATTENTION.

WE WILL CONTINUE THE AUCTION
WITH LOT NUMBER 695 IN YOUR CATALOG.

- THAT'S US, POP.
- IT IS A MEISSEN
PASTORAL SCENE...

BY J.J. KAENDLER, MADE IN 1743.

MAY I HAVE... $400 IT
IS. THANK YOU. 450?

450.500?

500 IN THE FRONT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

550.600? 600 IN THE REAR. 650?

650. THANK YOU SO
MUCH. MAY I HAVE 7?

WILL SOMEONE SAY 700?

I DON'T HEAR NOBODY
SAYIN' NOTHIN'.

THEY DON'T. YOU GOTTA
WATCH 'EM LIKE HAWKS.

SEE, THEY JUST MAKIN' SIGNS
WITH THEIR HEADS AND THEIR HANDS.

JUST LITTLE BODY MOVEMENTS.

DO I HEAR 700?
700. MAY I HAVE 700?

YOU SHOULD'VE TOOK THAT
OFFER AT THE STORE, LAMONT.

YOU AIN'T GONNA GET
THAT MUCH HERE. YES, I WILL.

700. WILL SOMEONE SAY 700?

SEV... AH, THE GENTLEMAN
IN THE REAR BIDS 700.

THANK YOU SO MUCH.

LISTEN, WHAT YOU DOIN'
BIDDIN' ON YOUR OWN STUFF?

SHH! THAT'S THE WAY
TO GET THE PRICE UP.

750 IN THE FRONT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.

- SEE?
- MAY I HAVE 800? WILL SOMEONE SAY 800?

800 IT IS. THANK YOU SO
MUCH. ANY ADVANCE ON 800?

825 IN THE FRONT. THANK
YOU. 850? DO I HEAR 850?

850 IT IS. THANK
YOU SO MUCH. 875?

MAY I HAVE 875? WILL
SOMEONE GIVE ME 875?

875 IT IS.

900. WILL SOMEONE GIVE ME 900?

900 IT IS. 925?

DO I HEAR 925? MAY I HAVE 925?

925 FOR THE... 925 IT IS!

950. MAY I HAVE...

950 IN THE FRONT.
THANK YOU SO MUCH. 975.

WILL SOMEONE GIVE
ME 975? 975 IT IS. 1,000.

MAY I HAVE 1,000 FOR THIS
BEAUTIFULLY RENDERED PORCELAIN?

WELL, IT'S UP TO YOU, DUMMY.

GET AWAY FROM ME, WILL YA? NOW, WE
SHOULD'VE BEEN DOIN' THIS FROM THE START,

AND YOU SHOULD'VE BEEN WORKIN'
THE OTHER SIDE OF THE ROOM.

YOU SHOULD'VE TOOK THE MONEY THE GUY
OFFERED IN THE STORE. JUST GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU BIG DUMMY. 1,000.1,000.

J.J. KAENDLER MADE IN 1743.
WILL SOMEONE OFFER ME $1,000...

FOR THIS BEAUTIFUL
MEISSEN PORCELAIN?

$1,000.1,000 IT IS. 1,100.
WILL SOMEONE GIVE ME 1,100?

MAY I HAVE $1,100,
PLEASE? $1,100.1,100 IT IS.

1,200. $1,200. DO I
HEAR 1,200? 1,200 IT IS.

1,300. MAY I HAVE 1,300?

$1,300. WILL SOMEONE
OFFER $1,300?

1,300 IT IS.

1,500.1,500. WHO
WILL OFFER ME $1,500?

GO ON. IT'S YOUR TURN.
I DON'T THINK I WANT IT.

WHY NOT? THAT'S A
GREAT PIECE. I DON'T KNOW

ABOUT ANTIQUES, BUT
THAT'S A FINE-LOOKIN' PIECE.

I WON'T BID ANYMORE,
HONEST. YOU SURE?

POSITIVE.

1,500 IT IS. THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU SEE, I KINDA GOT
CARRIED AWAY. THANK YOU.

2,000. THANK YOU.
THE BID IS $2,000.

FAIR WARNING. $2,000
GOING ONCE, GOING TWICE...

SOLD!

YOU NUMSKULL.

YOU BUNGLING, FUMBLING,
CLUMSY, AMATEURISH NUMSKULL.

$2,000. YOU BID $2,000...

AFTER I GOT THAT JERK STANDING
NEXT TO ME TO TAKE IT FOR 1,500.

SORRY, LAMONT. YOU SAID
THAT WAS THE WAY TO GET

THE PRICE UP, SO I WAS
GETTING THE PRICE UP.

WHO ASKED YOU, HUH? YOU DON'T
KNOW NOTHIN' ABOUT AUCTIONS.

WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BIDDING?
WHO ASKED YOU TO GET INTO IT?

WELL, YOU STILL GOT THE PIECE. YOU
JUST BOUGHT IT OFF YOURSELF, THAT'S ALL.

AND WHAT ABOUT THE TEN PERCENT
COMMISSION THEY CHARGED ME, HUH?

I HAD TO PAY THEM $200 FOR THE PRIVILEGE
OF BRINGING THAT THING HOME AGAIN.

DO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT DOES
TO OUR SAVING ACCOUNT, POP?

WELL, ALL I CAN SAY IS,

I WON'T BE AROUND TO
BOTHER YOU MUCH LONGER.

DON'T START THAT
AGAIN. NO, I MEAN IT.

ONE OF THESE DAYS, I'LL BE
GOING TO JOIN YOUR MOTHER.

AND YOU'LL BE ON YOUR OWN. OLD POP
WON'T BE AROUND TO SPOIL THINGS FOR YOU.

YOU'LL BE FREE. YOU
HEAR THAT, ELIZABETH?

I'M COMIN' TO JOIN YOU, HONEY.

WHY DON'T YOU COME
OFF THAT, YOU OLD FAKER?

FAKER? YOU CALLIN' ME
A FAKER? THAT'S RIGHT.

WELL, I HOPE I CROAK TONIGHT.

THEN IT'LL BE ON YOUR CONSCIENCE.
IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT ANYWAY.

I TOLD YOU TO TAKE THE MONEY
IN THE STORE THE GUY OFFERED.

BUT NO, YOU HAD TO HAVE
MORE. MORE. GIVE ME MORE.

YOU JUST GREEDY.

I DON'T WANT TO TALK
ABOUT IT NO MORE. ME EITHER.

I STILL GOT THIS PIECE, AND IT'S GONNA
BE MY ONE-WAY TICKET OUTTA HERE.

FIRST THING TOMORROW
MORNING, I'M GETTING OUT OF HERE.

WELL, GO AHEAD. WHO NEEDS YOU?
AND TAKE THIS OLD PIECE OF JUNK...

IT SLIPPED.

IT SLIPPED RIGHT OUT OF MY
HANDS. YOU KNOW MY ARTHRITIS.

IT WAS AN ACCIDENT,
HONEST. BULL!

NOW, YOU DROPPED THAT THING 'CAUSE
YOU KNEW IT WAS GONNA GET ME OUT OF HERE.

NOW I CAN'T SELL IT,
SO I'LL HAVE TO STAY.

THAT'S WHAT YOU WAS THINKIN',
WASN'T YOU? WELL, YOU'RE WRONG.

I'M STILL GETTIN' OUT OF
HERE, AND I'M GOING RIGHT NOW.

HEY, LAMONT, LISTEN.
WAIT A MINUTE, BOY.

LISTEN TO ME. HEY, LAMONT!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING? I
JUST TOLD YOU. I'M LEAVING.

I SHOULD'VE DONE
IT A LONG TIME AGO.

I'LL BE HERE TOMORROW MORNING
TO PICK UP THE REST OF MY STUFF.

[ Engine Failing ] BUT WHAT...
WHAT ABOUT MY TRUCK?

Y-YOU GONNA LEAVE ME WITHOUT
MY TRUCK? YOU CAN'T DO THAT TO ME.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL BRING THIS
THING BACK ONCE I'M SETTLED.

YOU'LL GET YOUR OLD
TRUCK. YOU SATISFIED?

BUT IT SLIPPED. SLIPPED
RIGHT OUT OF MY HANDS.

DON'T YOU BELIEVE ME?

ALL I KNOW IS THAT YOU BROKE IT.
AND BESIDES, I'M SICK OF THE NAGGING...

AND THE ARGUIN' AND
THIS WHOLE STUPID LIFE.

YOU'RE HOLDING ME BACK HERE. IF I
STAY HERE, I'LL NEVER GET MARRIED.

I'LL NEVER GET ANYWHERE. I'LL END UP A
OLD, BROKEN-DOWN JUNK DEALER LIKE YOU.

I'VE GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE.
BUT WE IN BUSINESS TOGETHER.

WE'RE PARTNERS. YOU DON'T
WANNA BREAK THAT UP, DO YOU?

CAN'T YOU UNDERSTAND
THE PARTNERSHIP IS OVER?

BUT IF WE'RE NOT RUNNIN' THE
BUSINESS THE WAY YOU LIKE IT,

CAN'T WE TALK ABOUT IT
TOMORROW? IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.

LISTEN, LISTEN, SON.

WHY DON'T I GO INSIDE
AND FIX US SOME SUPPER?

YOU REALIZE WE MISSED SUPPER?

I'LL FIX US SOME HAM
HOCKS AND RED BEANS...

AND SOME NECK BONES AND RICE.

THEN WE CAN WATCH A
LITTLE TELEVISION AND TURN IN,

AND TOMORROW WE CAN
TALK ABOUT IT SOME MORE.

I KNOW YOU GOT
PLANS. [ Engine Failing ]

YOU GOT PLANS. YOU
OUGHTA SEE 'EM THROUGH.

AND LORD KNOWS I DON'T
WANT TO STAND IN YOUR WAY.

I... SO WHAT'LL IT BE, SON?

THE HAM HOCKS OR THE NECK BONES?

HEY, POP, YOU GOT MY BREAKFAST
READY? I DON'T SMELL NOTHING COOKIN'.

"BY THE TIME YOU READ THIS,

"I WILL BE WITH YOUR MOTHER IN
THAT GREAT JUNKYARD IN THE SKY.

"I THINK IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.

"I AIN'T DECIDED
HOW I'M GONNA DO IT.

"I WAS GONNA USE
THAT WORLD WAR I RIFLE,

"BUT MY ARM WAS TOO SHORT TO POINT
IT AT MYSELF AND PULL THE TRIGGER.

"I THINK IT'S BETTER THIS WAY.

HELLO, OPERATOR,
GET ME THE POLICE.

QUICK. THIS IS AN EMERGENCY.

DON'T DO IT, POP.
PLEASE DON'T DO IT.

HELLO, POLICE? LISTEN.

I JUST FOUND A NOTE
THAT MY FATHER LEFT ME.

WHAT I'M AFRAID OF IS THAT HE'S
GONNA DO SOMETHING FOOLISH.

THAT'S RIGHT, A SUICIDE NOTE.

HIS NAME IS FRED SANFORD.

WHAT DOES HE LOOK LIKE? UH...

HE'S ABOUT FIVE-EIGHT,
NOT TOO MUCH HAIR.

AND, OH, YEAH, DID I
TELL YOU HE'S BLACK?

RIGHT. PUT THAT
DOWN. HE'S BLACK.

WHAT? HOW MUCH DOES HE WEIGH?

UH, I'D SAY ABOUT 180.

193.

YOU CREEP. YOU
MISERABLE, OLD CREEP.

NOW, WAIT A MINUTE, LAMONT. I SAID IN THE
NOTE I THOUGHT IT WOULD BE BETTER THAT WAY.

BUT IF YOU DON'T
THINK SO, I WON'T DO IT.