Samurai Pizza Cats (1990–1991): Season 1, Episode 1 - Stop Dragon My Cat Around! - full transcript

[opening theme music]

Would somebody please
cue that bird?

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats
Oooh yeah♪

♪ Who do you call When you want some pepperoni?♪

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪

♪ Right on!

♪ They're stepping out crime♪

♪ And you know
That ain't baloney♪

♪ There's Speedy Cerviche
He's the leader of the bunch♪

♪ That's right!
A heck of a fighter♪

♪ Makes a heck of a lunch♪



♪ And little Polly Esther♪

♪ Who's never afraid
That's me♪

♪ Of going into battle
When the bad guys invade♪

♪ Here's Guido Anchovy
A wild romantic rover♪

♪ This cat gets down down
With a love hangover♪

♪ Here comes the Pizza Cats
They're so bad♪

♪ They've got more fur
Than any turtle had♪

♪ They're stronger
Than old cheese♪

♪ Stronger than old cheese♪

♪ Stronger than dirt♪

♪ Stronger than dirt♪

♪ Step on their tails♪

♪ Get off my tail♪

♪ And you're gonna get hurt♪



♪ Don't hurt me♪

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats!♪

♪ They're fighting crime
All over town♪

♪ Three, two, one♪

♪ The Pizza Cats
Are on the run♪

♪ The Big Cheese is the villain
Who's lower than low♪

♪ It's a rotten shame
He lives in little Tokyo♪

♪ We've got a nasty Bad Bird
And some nasty Ninja crows♪

♪ As soon as someone finds
The script♪

♪ We might begin the show♪

♪ Sit back and rest your feet
And turn the sound up high♪

♪ And if you want
The full effects♪

♪ Go eat a pizza pie♪

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪

[narrator] This is little Tokyo.

A Hometown, like your hometown.

That is if your hometown
is populated by flying ducks,

talking hippos
and other cartoon characters.

Little Tokyo, a city
of contrasts.

Where incomes are high,
cholesterol levels are low,

everyone gets cable TV.

And yet a place
where quaint street

vendors are still
a common sight.

Little Tokyo
where the old meets the new.

[street vendor] Fresh natural
video tape players!

Come and get 'em
while they're hot!

[narrator] Little Tokyo,

home of the national
Tai-Chi Mahjong champions.

the world's third largest ball
of twine and of course,

the Samurai Pizza Cats
Pizza parlor.

Where you'll find the
greatest heroes on earth,

the customers.

Hey Lady?

You serve shrimps lady?

Do we serve shrimps?
Of course we do.

Sure. It doesn't matter to us
how short you are.

[Speedy] Watch out hot stuff
coming through!

So what,

gotta eat your greens, don't ya?
[telephone ringing]

Pizza Cats pizza!

Home of the hot
and spicy Samurai sensation!

You got it! Get up the cash
and we'll be there in a flash.

Hey Speedy.

Yeah here I am.

One tuna and liver
meatball pizza for Lucille.

And make sure it gets there hot.

[Speedy laughing] Lucille?

How can you make the delivery
when you're flatten your bag?

I better take this one.
Yeah! [laughing]

Hey, that's my pie! [grunts]

Can you believe those two guys
getting all starry eyed,

over a girl like Lucille?

Tomcats,
you can't live with them

and you can't throw them
down a well and drown them.

There really ought to be a law.

I'd like to place
an order if I may.

-We're busy.
-Yeah.

[Polly screaming] You
man are all the same,

you think we're slaves
or something?

I've had it with all of you!

[narrator] Meanwhile,
trouble lurks on the rooftops.

Where the ugly named Bad Bird spies on the unsuspecting mess.

[Bad Bird laughing] Look
at them down there.

The puny little things.

They look like earth
worms just waiting

for the early bird to arrive.

All this baloney it's vile
and there are laws

against profaned pizzas.

Too bad there's never a cop
around when you need one.

[Speedy grunting]

What a looser. [laughs]

-[Guido screams] Hey!
-What goes around comes around.

-[Speedy] So long!
-[Guido] Stop! That's my order.

[happy music]

-[Speedy grunts]
-[Guido laughs]

-Farewell fur ball.
-Damn. [grunts]

Looks like that poor smuck's
finally given up the chase.

Hey, what's going on?

[Speedy humming]

[Speedy screaming]

[Guido screams]

[Guido screaming and grunting]

It's been fun but I gotta run!

What's with the violence?

I got a clause in my contract

says I don't have to do
this drastic stuff!

Hey! Somebody get my agent
on the phone right now.

[narrator] Moments later
at Lucille's tea house.

Well, my, my!
Look what the cat dragged in.

Darn, I'd do anything
for you, Lucille.

To other people you may just be

a hand painted
animated character

but you mean a lot more
than that to me.

Thank you.

-[Lucille sighs] You?
-Yeah. I figure you deserve

the best Lucille. [chuckles]

You see to me a pizza
without a flower...

Oh, my.

...is like a game of squash
without a shower.

Please accept
this hot steamy pie

as a hot token
of an undying love.

-Guido.
-[Guido clears throat]

There once
was a beauty named Lucille.

Who's pretty puss can make
a pussy cat real.

Her lovers would sad,
to the heavens they'd cry--

-[Speedy] Hey, what's going on?
-[Guido gasps]

[Speedy mumbling]

Oh! Jealousy raises its ugly
head, I see.

I'm getting tired of being
an underground sensation.

[Guido screams and grunts]

Listen you buddies,

if you think I'm going to split
the tip on this delivery,

you're out of your mind.

[Guido grunts] I get a tip
for you Speedy

when you've got what Lucille
and I've got,

money doesn't really matter.

[Speedy] What are you talking
about?

Well, I mean gosh

If you really want me to spell
it out it's called love, man.

[Speedy] Love? My foot.

[Lucille screaming]

-[Speedy screams]
-[Speedy grunting]

You know what they say Guido,

[Speedy] Two is company
and three is a crowd!

[Guido groaning]

We'll now I've seen everything.

As if the one destruction

of the Brazilian rain forest
wouldn't enough for you,

you're the most environmentally

irresponsible person
I've ever met.

Save that pink old
pathologic stuff

for the next
Green Peace newsletter.

Who's a pink on you knee
old fashions, feel huh?

[Guido grunting]
[loud explosion]

Stop talking politics.
[screams]

-[Guido] Broken out!
-[Speedy screams]

[narrator] Well it's often been
said that falling in love

can be a mind
blowing experience.

[Bad Bird] Playtime
is over Pizza Cats.

It's time to let
the real fireworks begin.

[loud explosion]

[Speedy] Wow! What an incredible
special effect.

It's covering everything.

-Do we leave the oven on again?
-Oh dear.

[narrator] According this
ominous dark cloud

mean lights out
for Little Tokyo.

Scary! Never seen anything
like it.

Ever look in a mirror?

-Hey! Up there, look.
-[Speedy and Guido gasp]

[narrator] It's not
polite to point but Lucille

forget her manners for a moment,

because looming up ahead
are the glowing eyes,

of the most hideous creature
our animators could draw.

Well, let's put it this way,
it's not bad.

[dramatic music]

[loud explosion]

[people screaming]

[narrator] An entire city block

is flattened
in a blink of an eye,

including a retirement home
for aging ninja turtles.

[turtle screams]

[abrupt sound]

[people screaming]

-Oh Boy!
-We're next!

[narrator] The speechless Speedy

suddenly spots
the serpent sinister secret.

[Speedy and Guido screaming]

[dramatic music continues]

Darn. What happened to my pizza?

The ninja crows are
flying that thing.

Oh my gosh!

So they're up to their old
tricks again, huh?

Yeah! We've gotta find a way
of stopping 'em.

[Lucille] Does this mean
I don't get my pizza?

[narrator] At Little Tokyo
city hall

the representatives of the business community meet,

in an emergency session to
discuss the recent raids

of deadly dragon attacks.

Listen gentlemen these
unexplained attacks

or damaging the economy and
freighting shoppers

out of their minds.

We've got
to do something quickly.

We've got to have the courage to
take the bull

by the tail and face the
situation.

Oh no. Your sales may be
suffering Big Cheese,

but frankly I've got a new line
of steel reinforced umbrellas

that are selling like hot cakes.

And now that folks are spending

their days fleeing
for their lives,

there's been an incredible rush
on running shoes.

I've got two hundred pairs
on back order.

This city is being destroyed,
and all your shop keepers can

think of is profits? Think of
the big picture.

Sales of wide screen
TV's are down.

[Big Cheese grunts] Enough talk,
now is the time to act tonight.

Just happen to have a plan
that will rid our city

of this lunatic lizard forever.

[Al Dente] He's right!

I don't agree with a rodent
very often,

but this time he's right.

[all mumbling]

We've got to act now
and there's only one way to stop

that dragon for wreaking
Little Tokyo.

Yeah, offer a big fat bribe.

No, there's a much better
way than that.

Well of course
there's another way,

We can elect the dragon vice
president

that way we'll never hear
from him again.

[Al Dente grunts]

We need someone
who stand up for this monster.

-We need Samurai.
-[Big Cheese] What?

We need the Pizza Cats.

[Big Cheese] You need
your head examined

that's what you need.

-[Al Dente] We can try them.
-But those good for nothing.

-free pattern free light.
-The only hope we have rodent.

[Princess Vi] You
know the best thing

about the Samurai Pizza Cats?

No, tell us Princess Vi.

They deliver!

[all grunting]

[narrator] Not wasting
a moment,

Big Al Dente makes the decision to call for help.

I'll ask the cats for a dragon
to go and step on its head

they can jump all over it.

[narrator] Meanwhile in a nearby
Pagoda,

the Big Cheese reveals his evil
treachery.

This could be bad,

I've invest a lot of money
in save old treachery

and they can ruin everything.

I doubt it master.

Don't go getting your whisker
and twister,

Samurai Pizza Cats haven't
got a chance

against our mighty
mechanical dragon. Right?

-[Jerry Atric] Right!
-[Bad Bird indistinct]

That dragons is packed

with Ninja crows
hungry for a fight.

In fact they're
just plain hungry

they wanna know when lunch is.

Forget about lunch.

Tell them they all get extra
rations of bird seeds

once they defeat the Pizza Cats,

and finish terrorizing
the merchants

of Little Tokyo
into submission.

If they can defeat
the Pizza Cats,

the business community
will probably pay you

an even bigger bribe
than you ever expected.

To think just a minute ago
I was for a raid.

I feel much better now.

Amazing how we lift a profit
in southern centurion,

with right ups in it.

[Jerry and Big Cheese laughing]

[narrator] But there is no joy in the streets of Little Tokyo.

Where once again the day grows
dim with doom.

And once again the dreaded
dragon descends to dance,

its demented dance of death
and destruction.

[Bad Bird laughing]

This is more fun than pitching
water bombs in a drowning man.

[loud explosion]
[people screaming]

[crowd screaming]

[telephone ringing]

Samurai Pizza Cats
pizza's our middle name.

Gee, what a bummer
we'll get right on it.

Hey guys that was
big Al Dente calling.

This dragon is getting
out of hand.

Then come on, it's time
to rock it and roll.

[Al Dente] Maybe I should've
ordered something.

Angel hair pasta or a salad.

[Francine] I love this job

it reminds me of piano lessons.

in the way schwarz make me practice kittens on the keyboard

'till I got it right.

[Francine] It's launch time
folks!

[theme music]

[narrator] The Samurai Pizza
Cats leap into action.

Polly Ester, Guido Anchovy
and Speedy Cerviche!

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪

♪ They're ready to fight
When you need 'em just call♪

♪ They know how to stop crime
Just do what they say♪

♪ If you don't want a bad time
Stay out of their way!♪

♪ Oh I love those cats♪

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪

♪ The heroes
Who always wear fur♪

[Francine] All systems go,

wind speed
and trajectory look good

and our biorhythms
couldn't be better.

Stand by.

[theme music continues]

[Francine] Attention citizens
of Little Tokyo.

They're off on a mission
to save the whole city.

Quite an achievement
if you are a kitty.

Kaboom!

[gunshots]

Look, there goes those
stupid Pizza Cats

floating
in the atmosphere again.

Good grief,
as if they weren't bad

enough dodging pigeons.

[narrator] Meanwhile as our high-flying heroes raced

to the scene a
mechanical dragon's orgy

of destruction continues!

[Bad Bird evil laughs]

Go ahead make my day.

[Speedy] Worm-breath!

Who said that?

[Speedy] Three guesses
brake brain.

[Guido] We'll give ya a hint.

We're the stars of this cartoon.

You guys. Well you're
too late this time.

[Polly] We spoke
to the producer!

There's plenty of time left
in the episode.

What? Now they tell me.

Sorry Chicken Licken
when the going gets tough

I like to play rough.

I'm Guido Anchovy.

And I've got no match
when it's time to scratch.

You can call me Polly Esther.

Love ya!

I'm the only cat in this show
who doesn't know how to rhyme.

Speedy Cerviche
at your service.

Samurai Pizza Cats!

Holy hambone!

I haven't seen such
a cheap theatrical entrance

since Junior High School
drama class.

Only there the costumes
were better.

Kill them dragon!

[dragon roaring]

-[Speedy grunts]
-[Guido and Polly grunting]

[energetic music]

[Speedy grunting]

Hey Guido, I'm in the mood

for a little fried chicken,
what do you say?

Okay! You got it.

[narrator] The Samurai Sunspot
Umbrella.

When Guido fires it up,

you know the Pizza Cats
are really cooking.

That pun was horrible.

[crows grunting and moaning]

[crows groaning]

Man, I've heard of turning
up the heat on crime

but this really bakes the cake.

If you're taking orders Guido
I like my bird

-a little crispy on the outside.
-Yeah but watch out

for heartburn.

[crows screaming]

Stop squawking and get
them you cowards,

it's not the heat
it's the humidity.

[crows cawing]

[Speedy and Guido grunting]

[Speedy grunting]

Now it's time for the claws
that refreshes.

Come and get it love birds!

-[crows screaming]
-[Polly growling]

Hey yard birds,
remember the 60's?

[crows groaning]

-Hey, a light show.
-Cover up man.

There's just one iron
butterfly chicken left.

-You gotta fight for it.
-Huh?

[crows grunting and mumbling]

I know, sometimes
everything look so easy

it embarrasses even me.

Not so fast my fine furry fake.
I still have the dragon legs.

-Attack!
-[Speedy] Dragon legs, huh?

You better see a doctor
about that.

[narrator] Speedy!

like a foot surgeon by calling
on the mystical powers

of the magical Ginsu sword.

Carefully withdrawing

the patented
self-sharpening blade

from its sheath,
he's ready for action.

He's ready for danger.

He's ready to accept
the coveted Emmy award.

for the best stupid pet trick.

Wielding his blade like
a surgeon's scalpel

he lets out
the inspiring cry.

It's time to-- [screams]

[Bad Bird grunts] You miss
your little--

[Bad Bird grunts]

[Bad Bird grunting] What a mess.

Well, you gonna have
to clean it up.

Come on,
time to do our pose guys.

[Guido and Polly] Ta-da!

[narrator] Back
at the Big Cheese's

elegant red hall.

No, I won't lose my temper.
I won't.

I got to stay in control,
stay in control.

Great master,

try to channel
that negative energy.

[Big Cheese screams]
[loud explosion]

[Jerry Atric grunts]

I knew you could do it.

[Big Cheese grunts]

[narrator] With peace once again
restored at little Tokyo,

we bid our fan farewell
to the Samurai Pizza Cats.

That cats who always
land on their feet.

[Speedy chuckles]

[Speedy screaming]

[narrator] Yeah!

On the next...

Pizza Cats!

[narrator] Those pizza pushing
pussy cats get indigestion.

[Speedy grunting]

[narrator] When the Big Cheese

unleashes his
sushi-making monster

and gives the people
of Little Tokyo

- an order the go.
-[hippo screams]

Oh!

-See you later, I'm outta here.
-[Lucille screams]

[narrator] There's danger
on the menu.

Someone said lunch?

But I'm allergic to soy sauce
and rice makes me sneeze.

[Guido sneezes]

Somebody get me out of here.

[narrator] There's love
in the air.

[Polly growls]

[narrator] There's pigs
on the pizza parlor

and there's antic action
that will blow your mind.

[Speedy groans]

[narrator] Keep a firm grip
on your Ginsu sword

just fast food
has never been so furious.

[Bad Bird cawing]

On the next Samurai Pizza Cats!

[narrator] That cats who always
land on their feet.

Ladies and gentleman
the Samurai Pizza Cats

fan club oath.

The Pizza Cats are Samurai

and I'd like to note.

Their antics
take your breath away.

Like furballs in your throat.

We kittens are a special breed,
we never call retreat.

[Guido] Whenever Big Cheese
knocks us down.

We land upon our feet.

[narrator] So hail to thee,
oh Pizza Cat

please ring your little bell.

Although you may be pen and ink

you know you'll fight like...

Pizza Cats!

[closing theme song]

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪

♪ We hope you
Liked the show ♪

♪ It's the best
That we could do♪

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪

♪ If you could do better
Then we'd leave it up to you♪

♪ Just a reminder
You might like to know♪

♪ The cats will be back
For another big show♪

♪ Oh gosh.♪

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪

♪ They're fighting crime
Oh yes♪

♪ All over town♪

♪ Two, four, six, eight.♪

♪ Why do we expectorate?♪

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪

♪ Read all the credits♪

♪ So you'll know
Who did the work♪

♪ Samurai Pizza Cats♪