Samurai Jack (2001–2017): Season 2, Episode 4 - Episode XVII - Jack and the Scotsman II - full transcript

The Scotsman asks Samurai Jack for help him rescue his wife from the Keltic Master o' the Hunt who plans to devour her in the Castle of Bone.

Long ago in a distant land...

...I, Aku, the shape-shifting
master of darkness...

...unleashed an unspeakable evil.

But a foolish samurai warrior
wielding a magic sword...

...stepped forth to oppose me.

Before the final blow was struck...

...I tore open a portal in time,
and flung him into the future...

...where my evil is law.

Now the fool seeks
to return to the past...

...and undo the future that is Aku.

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Remember me?

Watch it!

Time to go.

Sorry to cut your fight short
with those bounty hunter robots...

...but l got a wee problem.

Me wife's been kidnapped.

-You are married?
-Aye.

To the most beautiful bonny lass...

...that ever blessed the ground
with her footstep.

l must save her before the moon is full.

That is tomorrow night. Where is she?

The Castle of Boon.

The Celtic Master of the Hunt
plans to devour her.

She's so dainty and sweet...



...and frayed so easy!

And the Master of the Hunt
is so very scary.

Try and calm yourself.

l cannot.

l can't save her on me own.

And l am forbidden by ancient custom
to seek help from warriors of me own clan.

l alone am no match for the army
of Celtic demons infesting the castle.

But there is a loophole
in the ancient custom.

Me clan Druid rolled the bones.
They said:

''Seek the help of a stranger.''

You're the only stranger l know,
and you're as strange as they come, laddie.

And powerful too.

Together, you and me...

...we could save my wife
before it's too late.

How can l refuse a friend in need?

Aye, l knew l could count on you, laddie.

Let's go. Time's a-wasting.

-Where?
-The Highlands. Where else?

Me wife has blond hair like spun gold...

...smooth as silk.

Sometimes she lets me brush it.

Her eyes are like the glittering blue sea.
l can stare into her eyes for days.

And her voice would make angels jealous,
such divine, melodious tunes.

Her lips, like two sweet roses.

And can she tell a joke.

And she does this thing with her ear.
lt makes me laugh.

-Did l mention her hair?
-Yes.

We've arrived.

The Highlands.

lt's so beautiful, just like me wife.

l just get overcome thinking about her.

How can l live without me bonny wife?

l suggest we waste no time crying then.

Aye.

l'm coming, sweetie!

There. My clan castle.

We can rest there
before attacking the Castle of Boon.

l'm back, you Gaul Druid totties!

Go on.

l'm just here for a wee bit.

Hold fast, laddies. He's with me.

-He's the stranger that will help me.
-This one?

l am honored to meet you all.

-What's he doing?
-Don't know. Maybe he dropped something.

-Take a look at them pajamas he has on.
-Aye, he's a strange one, all right.

Must be close to his bedtime.

Or he had not done his laundry.

That's enough!

Let's have a little respect.

-But he is wearing a dress.
-Shut it!

And you too!

This man is the bravest man
l have ever known.

We faced Aku's bounty hunters
together...

...and together we'll fight
the Celtic demons...

...destroy the Master of the Hunt
and rescue me wife.

l think they like you now, laddie.

Here comes the food.

-This is food?
-Aye.

lt's haggis.

And what is haggis?

Sheep's stomach stuffed
with meat and barley!

Stop!

-Who is that?
-Cathbad, the clan Druid.

What language is that?

He speaks our most ancient tongue.

Basically, the Druid thinks you're a softy.

So as not to disgrace the clan,
you must pass the test of manhood.

Well, what does that mean, ''softy''?

They don't know you like l know you.
Look, you got nothing to worry about.

You'll pass.

What is this test exactly?

You gotta throw a rock.

You can throw a rock, can't you?

We're in good shape.
Angus' throw stank.

Just throw this wee stone past Angus',
and you'll pass the test.

-ls this necessary?
-Aye, l'm afraid so.

But that was his warm-up throw.

Cathbad says l have to find
a stronger stranger.

There is no time for that.

Me poor wife will be an ingredient in stew.

No, she won't.

Excuse me.
How many stones do you weigh?

Twenty stone.
What's it to you, fancy pants?

-You are a mighty fellow.
-Aye, that l am.

You did it! He said you pass.

-l thought it was something like that.
-We can go now.

Stranger, stranger, stranger!

-ls your clan always that wild?
-Aye.

That's why l never stay at home.
l'm the mellow one.

-You can put me down now.
-Oh, no.

l'm carrying you all the way there.
lt's the least l can do.

-lt is quite unnecessary.
-Shut it!

The Castle of Boon.

All right, let's charge.

Wait, friend. lt will not be that easy.

But there are no guards.

So it would seem.

Celtic demons.

Only seven. We can take seven easy.

Seven because l tossed a rock.

lf we were to assault the castle...

...we would surely be overwhelmed
by vast numbers of those things.

Fine. Then how do we get in?

lf l fall to me doom,
tell my wife l loved her.

Are we gonna sneak around here all night,
or are we gonna fight?

lt would be unwise to seek a battle
before we have secured your wife.

What? Oh, no.

We have to get her out of here, laddie.

They're already stirring the broth.

And my wife is gonna be the main
ingredient before the moon rises.

lf we split up,
we could cover more ground.

But we should not separate
in case of trouble.

Perhaps, then, we should
disguise ourselves as demons.

What do you think?

-l believe l have found your wife.
-Where?

That tower. ln the window.

-lt's her. Oh, my beauty.
-Come on.

My buttercup! My love bunny!

l'm here to save thee.

Bonny button?

Muffin.

Don't you ''muffin'' me,
you ripe end of a baboon!

You disappear without a word
for two years, only to show up...

...because l'm kidnapped,
leaving me in this sty for a month...

...till you get the gall enough
to come save me!

Wait till the last minute!

What have you been doing,
you pimple-faced dilly worm?

Some husband you are. Oh, big warrior.

l think no.
l'll tell you where you've been.

Tossing rocks with
your good-for-nothing dullards.

Too busy to save the love of your--

Now l've seen everything.

ls this who you've been wasting
your time with?

Some wiry maypole wearing an ugly dress
and tasteless slippers?

l swear on chatelain's
mighty chest hairs...

...l've got wooden spoons
brighter than you!

And to think l married
the only Scot in Scotland...

...who'd bring a candlestick in a slip
to his wife's rescue...

...instead of a whole clan
of bumbling brutes.

No, l get just two bumbling brutes.

Well, one bumbling brute and some kind
of fashion-inept sheepherder.

-But, lovely lump, the Druid said--
-The Druid?

Who listens to a man wearing
an ant skull on his head?

-But he--
-Shut it!

-Yes, dear.
-We should go.

Oh, what a grand idea.

You must be the brains, l suppose.

-lt is just common sense.
-lt is, huh?

Well, how are you planning to get me out?

l hope silently.

Well, l stubbed my toe.
l cannot walk. lt hurts.

Oh, poor sugar pot.

Got any ideas, Aristotle?

-How are you doing, puddle-ducky?
-This rescue stinks!

l've never been so humiliated
in me life!

l have a dullard for a husband
with a scrawny tree for a sidekick.

-l'd be better off saving meself.
-Forgive me.

You almost dropped me,
you gown-wearing fashion reject.

-Perhaps if we trade places....
-Aye.

Oh, that's grand.

But does me worm-brained husband care
that a stranger can peek up me dress?

No, he don't care a speck.

-ls that better?
-No, you fling-pooed backyard tottie.

Walking with jolts of searing pain
coursing up me leg would be better.

Do you think before you open your mush,
or does it come out on its own?

Oh, way to go, boys.

l suppose walking us right into
the whole blethering army...

...was part of the plan?

Well, don't just stand there.
Defend me.

You call that fighting?
l've seen cranky sheep more vicious.

Oh, l'm sure that hurt them.

Why not give them all a cup of tea
and a biscuit to choke on.

You two couldn't fight your way
out of a garden party of old ladies.

l've baked haggis more lethal than you.

So many.

ls that it? Some warriors you two are.

-Have any ideas, laddie?
-Resign ourselves to becoming soup.

lt's been a high time fighting
side by side with you, laddie.

l am honored to die at your side.

Are you two done being sissies?

Silence.

The moon is full.

Destroy the men and throw
the fat female in the pot.

Fat? Fat?

l'm not fat!

l'm stout!

Silence!

-lmpressive.
-Aye, that's me wife.

That's it then?

Now let's go home.

Oh, angel.

Oh, my buttercup, you were grand.

My wee life would be darkness
without you.

-You're sweet-talking me?
-Aye.

Don't ever stop, love. Don't ever stop.

Oh, darling.

Oh, you're a sweet man
to come rescue me.

l couldn't have done it
without me friend.

Come here, laddie. Meet me wife.

Wife, this is me friend.

-l am honored.
-Oh, pleasure's mine, sir.

You fight with great strength
and passion. l--

Oh, enough of that.
Give me a hug, laddie.

What a nice lad. A wee bit skinny.

l'll fatten you up with a good helping
of me famous haggis recipe.

What is haggis?

-Sheep's stomach stuffed with--
-Sheep's stomach stuffed with--

You said it, lassie.

How can l repay you, laddie?

-Friends carry no debts.
-Aye.

-lnvite him to supper, dear.
-You're invited to supper.

-Seems we must find an alternate way out.
-Why?

This doorway is so very small,
and your wife is so very--

What?

Run!

Don't squash him, muffin!

He's a friend of mine!

[ENGLlSH]