Samantha Who? (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 4 - The Virgin - full transcript

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Samantha
Who Season01 Episode05

you don't realize until you lose it,
but your memory is everything you are.

Without it,you're a blank slate,

reborn without points of reference,
experiences,even opinions.

A child looking at the
world with new eyes.

The only problem is...

Samantha,is your room picked up?

You're still an adult.

Oh,don't you look nice,all
dressed up. Where are you going?

-Just out with andrea.
-Out where?



-I don't know. She's driving.
-I don't want you riding home with her.

She's a drunk. Call a cab. -Okay,sure.

And don't hitchhike. People are gonna
think you're a hooker dressed like that.

-You just said that I look nice.
-And be home by midnight.

After that,I call the police. -Midnight?
Nobody has to be home by midnight.

Well,you live in this house,young
lady. You live by our rules.

Well... then maybe I
won't live in this house.

-Howard?
-Apologize to your mother.

I'm sorry. All right,I'm gonna
go. I will return immediately

and promise to die if I have any fun.

What? No kiss?

She's just treating me like a child.

She says,as she downs
another shirley temple.

Oh,but they're so good
and sweet and just pretty.



They're like you. -Move
along,sweat stains.

I know. Like skeet. Don't
worry. I have your back.

Good,'cause you need to stay
close to me tonight,all right?

'Cause I don't know what I'm supposed
to know,and I don't know who I know.

Hold that thought. Hockey player !

Sorry about before. But I keep looking at
you and wondering,do we know each other?

It's possible.

Yeah?

Do you come here a lot?

Also... possible.

-Lots of possibilities
-Yep. You never know.

-Do you wanna get out of here?
-Why? What did I do?

that's funny.

do you want to go to my place?

Oh. Okay. Only if I can bring my
friend, though,because it's,well,

it's kinda hard to explain,but
I... I need her to watch me.

Must be my lucky night,

It is if you wore your protective cup.

why did you get rid of him? Because he
said he said that we knew each other.

-Oh,you didn't. It's just a line.
-What do you mean?

A line. A pick up line,you
know,to get you in bed.

He wanted to have sex with me?

Oh,come on. You're saying you don't
remember what it's like to be picked up?

I don't remember sex.

What? What are you talking about?

Is that possible? Is it possible that
a person cannot remember having sex?

Trust me.

I'm serious. I don't remember what it's
like. I don't remember how it feels.

I don't remember how
-oh,my god! You poor thing.

You're a virgin!

margarita!

Virgin margarita,please!

nothing to see here. Just an alcoholic.

Note to self:Talk to Mom about sex

Hey,I'm gonna go...
what are you guys doing?

Oh,we're cleaning out the garage. You
know,we've been saving all this stuff

that was sentimental to you,but now that
you've forgotten why,we can throw it out.

-Oh,well,that's a great idea.
-yeah

Um,you know what? Speaking of that,mom, uh,can
I talk to you about something kind of personal?

Oh,I knew this was gonna
come up soner or later.

-You did?
-Yes,honey,and don't worry.You're not dying.

This happens to every
woman once a month.

No,that's not it.

It's about having sex.

oh,good. The cookies are done. It's
not something that we discuss,I take it.

Well... it--it's just that
you never brought it up before.

Your father and I agreed that
if you ever did bring it up,

that we would call it something
else,like "the happy touch."

Okay,well,last night I realized that
the next time I do... the happy touch

will be the first time
that I do the happy touch.

Well,there's no need to rush into
it. The first time isn't that nice.

First time for what?

The happy touch.

Oh,the special hug. You know,
your first time was nice.

Your first time was great. -Oh,how
do you know? You weren't even there.

Well,of course I was there. You
were my first time,and I was yours.

Of course you were,honey...

right after bob mcnally.

You mean that spindly guy from the
shoe store? What are you saying to me?

Great talk. I gotta go.

The man handled the feet of strangers.

Note to self:NEVER Talk
to Mom about sex AGAIN

So what do you not know what
to do or where things go?

I know where they go. I just
don't.. I don't remember them...

you know... going there.

You know? I don't... know how it feels. I
just,I just I don't remember what it's like.

What it's like? It's like,um...it's
like... it's like,you know,it's like sex.

It really is.

You,you can't describe
it. -Well,just try,okay?

I mean,you know,sometimes people describe
food like,"it tastes like chicken."

- I will tell you this. It tastes nothing like chicken.
- Most of the time.

Look,you just need to
go out and experience it.

You just need to go out and do it.

Well,what's the hurry? She
should wait for the right guy.

Better idea: why don't you go wait for
him and call us when he gets here,huh?

No,she's right. She's right. Why
why do I have to rush into this?

Because it's weird. You are a grown
woman who doesn't know anything about sex.

I mean,no wonder your mother treats
you like a child. You are child.

Childhood is nice. You get to
order off the children's menu.

they always have grilled cheese.

All right,you guys are making
a big deal about this,all right?

This is not some sort of infirmity,okay?
It's not like I've lost the ability to walk.

Wait till you have good sex.
Look,you are an adult human woman.

So much of who you are is tied up in
sex. Maybe if you go and you have it

for the first time,maybe all of your
memories will just come rushing back,huh?

That,or she'll... wake up with cotton candy
stuck to her back and a long walk home.

The sugar?

Okay,you know,I don't I don't even
wanna talk about this anymore,okay?

I have plenty of time to re-experience
things,and I will get to sex

when I get to it.

And if it's soon...

that's cool,too.

todd,could you,um,could you
just... stop... doing that?

-Sorry. Uh,my mind was on something else.
-Yeah. Me,too.

oh,listen,I'll get out of here in just
a sec. I just wanna get enough clothes,

you know,so I don't have to keep
coming back and grabbing stuff,

and we've had sex before,haven't we?

-I'm sorry. What?
-Sex?

Well,yeah,you know,I mean, we
were together for three years.

I know we have. Of course we
have. Uh,it's just... um...

-what?
-Can't remember it.

Oh,well,that's flattering.

No,no,no,please don't take it personally.
I don't remember french fries,either.

So... I just--I don't
know. Um... what--was it...

-what?
-Was it good?

Yeah?

Very.

Really?

I know.

Okay,then.

You good? Yeah! Pfft. Good. I'm good

can't wait to try french fries.

yeah,yeah,we get it.

How are you today? -How am I?
I'm a virgin. That's how I am.

Yes,ma'am,and I'm a pirate.
Should I call you a cab?

All right,you win. I'm horny. -You're
calling me at 4:00 in the morning.

You need to relax. -I was
relaxed. Now I'm horny.

I cannot sleep in the same bed with
your father. He is making me crazy

with this bob mcnally business.

Oh,just go to sleep,please.
Just stop thinking about sex.

I can't not think about it. The
more I try to not to think about it,

the more I can't stop thinking
about it. It's like I'm 16 again.

-17.
-What?

You were 17 the first time,and I'd appreciate
you not discussing this in front of me.

You're in my be
- wait a minute. How do you know when?

'Cause I'm sure we didn't talk about it.

Well,if you didn't want me to read
your diary,you wouldn't have left it out.

I didn't tell your father,though.
It would've killed him.

-you never told me a lot of things!
-Howard! Knock it off!

-What is going on over there?
-Nothing. My mother's in my bed.

And you wonder why you have issues. Okay,
look,just come out with me tomorrow night.

Don't think about it. It'll all come
back to you. Trust me,it's just like

riding a bike.

oh,gosh,look,it's closed.
We gotta go. -Oh,no,no,no,

You want this to happen,
or you wouldn't have come.

It was an absolute mistake. I
don't know what I'm doing,okay ?

I mean,what guy wants some some
clueless bimbo who doesn't know right

from wrong in the bedroom?
-Oh,you have so much to learn.

Yeah,yeah,you know what I have to learn?
I don't even know how to kiss,okay ?

I don't even know if I'm good at it

You are. Come on.

-And you know this because...
-we were at a party. They offered us 300 bucks.

What are you gonna do?

okay,now this position we're in here,
facing the bar,this position means we just

wanna talk and be left alone.
-This one. I like this one.

No,you don't. Now when we're ready
to be approached,throw in a smile.

Let me see a smile.

We'll work on that. Okay.

And we'll just rotate outward like
queens and we receive our subjects.

Okay,ready? On three.

One...

two... three.

Okay,you're being a dork. I don't
hang out with dorks,so cut it out.

Okay,look,it is one thing to
talk about it,but someone in here

is gonna see me naked,and I don't know
what the lighting is gonna be like.

You know where there's really good
lighting? In todd's closet in his apartment.

I don't know what it is,but there's a
mirror in there,and when I am looking

in that mirror,I am,like,off the chain.
Is that an expression? I wanna go home.

Listen to me. Listen to me. You are ready
for this. You look fabulous. The pond is big.

The fish are biting.

well,hello! -Ooh,and then
a boat motors through.

-Ah,this is a coincidence. This is weird!
-Isn't this fun? Isn't this fun?

Just all of us here,just girls. Girls
night out,right? no boys allowed!

let's get you a drink.

-You can't get her off the barstool,huh?
-No,she's too scared. Says she forgot how to kiss.

Oh,well,do you wanna practice?
I mean,we always used to.

Us,too?

Well,yeah,we were 10. I mean,
maybe 11. 13 at the oldest.

I am not a lesbian. No,I
think sexuality is a continuum.

You're gonna be fine. I am
here,okay? Now let's go. One... two...

three.

Oh,there you are! Isn't this
fun,huh? Um,what are you drinking?

-What--what are you doing here? -I
feel really bad about yesterday morning

and how our... sex talk went. I don't want
you to think I'm one ofhose uptight mothers.

I-I wanna be supportive,so come on.

Let's get my little girl laid.

-This is bad,right?
-Do you think? I'm out with a dork,

her mother and her stalker. I look like
I'm leading the special needs field trip.

Just pick someone so I can
show my face here again.

I think I found him,his name is
Jason. He's turning 21 tonight,

so he'll have everything you need
in a lover ignorance and gratitude.

She's my daughter. I
know what she wants.

Honey,how about that man
over there? Isn't he cute?

-He looks like dad.
-Doesn't he?

As her best friend,I think I'm more
qualified to pick a man for her than you are.

That's right. I forgot
you've had them all.

-Trust me. That one he should be your first.
-Honey,you want me to ask that

cute man little over there if he
wants to have safe sex with you?

Okay,okay,enough,enough,
enough,enough,enough! Fine.

If it's so important to all of you,
I will do this,if it will make you

and the tvs and the magazines and the
big pornographic cloud this morning,

all of you to shut up and
leave me alone. All right.

All right,who's it gonna be,huh?
Huh? Hey,hey,you,you,how about you?

Uh,you,you there,come
on. Let's do this thing.

-Jason.
-Jason it is.

Happy birthday,jason.

Don't wait up.

Sleep with Jason

-so... that kissing thing...
-yeah,me,too. We should do that Ahem. Okay.

dave,I told you,no "guitar hero"
tonight! I will come back there...

and I will kick your ass!

Roommate.

Yeah,you you think he might come out?

Oh,he hasn't been out in,like,a year.
Dave's always totally wasted,and I'm like,

"dude,get a job," and he's
like,"dude--" -okay,yeah,whoo! Shh!

Okay. Sorry. Just just a
little nervous,you know?

Oh,don'T. No,no. Don't be,because
you know what? This is no big deal,

because this is natural. This is just
this is two adults just doing the deed,

you know? Just... bing-bang,boom. Okay?

Yeah,see,that's how I knew
you were the right one tonight,

because I just want my
first time to be great. -Huh?

Oh. Damn it!

God,stupid,stupid,stupid!

-you're a virgin?
-Oh,yeah,don't be mad.

Look,it was my friends' idea to
take me out tonight to get me laid.

Sorry. Being pressured into
having sex god,how lame is that?

that's so lame.

you wanna see me play the
drums? Some girls like that.

No,jason,look,I'm sorry. I really
don't think that I should be your first.

-Why not? Because you're old?
-No. Because... you know,you're

you're a nice guy,and I think that
your first should should not be

with a stranger. It should be with someone
who you,I don't know,who you connect with,

who you have some sort
of history,you know?

Just someone who you...
someone who cares about you.

Oh,man.

Wait.

Let's do it in the hall.

I like it when the old lady next
door glares at me in the morning.

Oh,I don't think so.

Um,listen Sam I like you

look,you don't have to
say that to get me in bed.

The deal was sealed when I stuffed
my underwear in your pocket.

No,I mean,I like you a lot.

-Okay,well,let's do it a lot.
-No,I'm being serious.

Oh,right,I'm sorry. I'll
put on my serious face.

look,uh,

my mistake,I know,but I guess
I care about you. Sue me.

And if we do this,I'm gonna
care about you even more,

and if you don't feel the
same,it's fine, but then let's not.

You are such a girl.

And you're a pain in the ass.

Okay.

Yeah?

But you know that speech? -Yeah?

That better not be the longest
thing that you do tonight.

Hey,you okay? You didn't,like,
have stroke,did you?

Because my grandma did that,and it was
-no! No,look,I have to go,all right?

Don't hurry,okay?

The right person,just wait for
that right person. He is out there.

He?

You know,"she," whatever,
'cause I don't judge.

Sleep with Todd

hey. Um,can I talk to
you for just a second?

Um,look,I just wanted to say that that you
and I have known each other for a long time,

and,you know,we can't just
forget those years,right?

I mean,I can,and I already have,

but I hear that they were
good, and maybe not all of them,

but I know that it started out
well, and how often do you connect

with people on that level? Well,you know,
you you've got that closetwith the lighting

and the mirror and everything,
so I was just wondering if you--

-Todd,who is it?
-Oh,um... just Sam.

Hi.

Hi.

What's going on ?

This is julia.

-I'm--I'm gonna go start
the movie. -Yeah,you do that.

Yeah,I'll be there in a second.
what is going on with you?

Nothing. Pfft. Nothing. I just came by
to say hi. That's all. Can't I come by

and--and--and
say hi? -Sure. Hi.

So she,um,she seems
nice. She's very pretty.

Oh,thanks.

I didn't say you were
pretty. I said she was pretty.

-Have you been drinking?
-Why? Have you?

No,I'm not the one acting strange.

Well,I'm not the one with
a girl in my apartment.

So I'm not supposed to see other people?

Why--why would I care if
you saw other people,todd?

I don't have feelings for you.
you didn't understand that?

-Well,you're acting very jealous.
-Jealous?

Um,how is it possible to be jealous
of someone you can't remember,huh?

Hmm? Answer? It's not.

Okay,you know what? I really
gotta go. Yeah,so do I,

'cause you know what? It's almost
midnight,and that's my... curfew.

bye,michelle.

-It's... julia.
-Whatever.

Ms. Newly.

Hey,frank. Guess what?
I'm not a virgin anymore.

And apparently not a cuddler.

Sleep ALONE

Hi. I'll sleep downstairs.
-Nonsense. Come on.

Come here.

I shouldn't have gone
to that place tonight.

I guess I just wanted us to be better
at talking about things,this time around.

Well,thanks.

Me,too.

Just don't ever come there again.

What happened with that boy?

-Nothin'.
-Oh,I'm sorry.

No,I'm not.

I'm not sorry at all. I'm glad. Like it
or not,you'll always be my little girl.

And the truth is,I want you to
save yourself for someone special.

-Or just throw yourself
at a shoe salesman!

Howard,shut up.

I only did it with bob mcnally in the
first place because I didn't wanna act

like an idiot when I met the man I love.

You know,dad,if it means anything

she did try to hook me up
with a guy who looks like you.

Is that true ?

At least someone's doing it around here,

and,hey,I did remember what
it was like. It was like,um,

well,it definitely was not like chicken,

and I will probably do it again
when the right guy comes around.

And now I know that they do.

when it does happen though...

I will definitely be ready.

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Samantha
Who Season01 Episode05