Samantha Who? (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 2 - The Job - full transcript

When her friend says that she's in rehab, Samantha tries to go along with it as well as trying to figure out what she actually does for a living. Along the way, she discovers that she has a...

I have this dream.

I was hit by a car,
lost my memory

and moved in with my parents.

Rise and shine!
Wake up, sleepyhead.

You're not in a coma anymore.

Come on. Get up.
We got a busy day.

We're gonna get our haircut together,
just alike.

Please let it be a dream.

Oh, it's okay. I'm your father.

Yeah, I know. You told me.

- Samantha, breakfast!
- And that's your mother.



She's in the kitchen.

Yeah, see,
I remember what I know now,

just not anything that
I knew before the accident.

And the kitchen is
where we keep the food.

That's good to know.

Excuse me.

There she is. Samantha,
you remember your childhood friend Dena?

I head off for work, so I just thought
I'd see if you wanted to do something.

Oh, I'm sorry, dear.
She's busy with me today.

Actually, I was gonna kinda
be busy with me today.

That doesn't sound
like any fun.

If we're not gonna get to
know each other again,

what was the point of you
getting hit by that car?

That's very true, but I was in
this coma and I have no memories,



and I kinda just wanna
find out who I am.

I don't even know what I do.
I don't know what my job is.

I don't know anymore.
You haven't spoken to me in 2 years.

20 for me.

I think it was
something in a building.

Oh. I guess that rules
out astronaut, then.

You know what? Maybe I have some sort of
business card or something like that.

Let's see. What do we got--

I have a doctor's
appointment card for today.

Who's... Dr. Kegoshian?

Wait, from the hospital?
Ooh! Is he the brain doctor?

Or is that that guy who got
us to donate her organs?

Oh, I liked him. He was funny!

- You were gonna donate my organs?
- Not your eyes.

I could never look anybody in
the face again without wondering.

All right, well,
we don't want that,

so, I guess I'll just keep
this doctor's appointment,

and then you and I can get to know each
other when you drive me into the city.

Sweetheart, don't you remember?
I told you, I'm getting my hair trimmed.

Howard, she's starting
to forget things again.

Sorry. You must have
berries in your shampoo.

Mr. Cellophane, no!

No, it's fine.

Thank you for the ride, Dena.
It's just, oh, God, mothers, right?

It's like, what is that, you know?
It's like, enough already. Just go away.

Right?

Mine's dead.

- God, I'm--I'm sorry.
- No! Please.

You have amnesia.

But you were real sweet
when you found out.

You even insisted that we
move the day of the funeral

- so you could be there.
- Oh, I did that?

Yeah. You still didn't come.
But you sent some beautiful flowers.

Well... there's that.

- I didn't send any flowers, did I?
- Not really.

All things considered, I feel fine--
I mean, physically.

Open, please.

Maybe my mom's right.
It's that maybe I am just too eager

to get back into my life.
But when everything is a mystery,

you really just wanna...

grab hold and...

squeeze. You're not
a neurologist, are you?

So have you decided to go
up one cup size or two?

Is there a three?
I mean, just...

Hey, Andrea! Uh, Ahn-drea!
Whatever it is.

I was just around the corner 'cause, did
you know that I was getting a boob job?

Yeah! I think it's
a fantastic idea.

Really? Why did I want one?
Do you think I need one?

Oh, who cares? But I get all your
old shirts when they don't fit.

Okay, here,
I'll just ride up with you.

That's one good thing about your
little bonk on the head, huh?

- What?
- It got rid of your fear of elevators.

Yeah, it's over.
Okay. I'm sorry.

Sorry.

Yeah, it's cool, it's cool.
That's some valuable information.

That's I wanted. I wanted to find
things out, get back into my life.

I want you back into your life, too, but
don't you think it's a little too soon

- to go back to work?
- That's the thing.

I never even-- thank you-- asked where
I work or what I do for a living.

I mean, so where do I work?
Do you know?

What? What?

- That's me.
- Yeah.

I work here! I work here!
This is my office.

I'm a vice president?

Mmm, sookie, sookie.
V.P., V.P.

Okay, now we are
getting somewhere.

All right, what do we do?
Wait a minute. You're a lawyer.

Am I lawyer? Is that hard?
'Cause that sounds hard.

Okay, it's time for you to go,
but no more questions.

See, no one here should really know
about your little memory problem.

Any sign of weakness is
sniffed out and destroyed.

Yeah, wait.
Where do they think that I've been?

- I don't know. Maybe rehab.
- You told them I was in rehab?!

Rehab is super trendy,
and it makes you seem young.

Okay, but wait a minute.
What do we do here?

Oh, my God.
It's you. Hi. Sorry.

- It's your secretary.
- I'm sorry. I didn't expect you in today,

- but welcome back. Here's your apple.
- Oh, thank you.

Forgot to start it
for you. Sorry.

I make her start my apple?

Look, just get out of here before
anyone else knows you're back,

- and I'll fill you in later...
- Yeah, like what we do?

Yeah, so--
Good morning, Mr. Chapman.

You have the documents on Landry?
I need them before the 11:00.

Right away, sir. Of course.

Thanks. So...

back from rehab?

Ooh, yep.

Is that dog hair?
Be back in time for the 11:00.

And I'm a vice president of something,
and I have my own office,

and I got a big chair
and a coffee cup

and a secretary who is
completely afraid of me.

I mean, I am a big damn deal.

Oh, and you know what?
Found out--getting a boob job,

and I'm afraid of elevators.
How was your day?

- I had a pop-tart.
- So sorry to barge in on you like this.

I just need something to wear
to this 11:00 something.

I don't mean to make anything any
weirder than they are between us.

Do you think my bra's
gonna show throw this?

You do remember we
broke up, right?

Yeah, duh.

Because I thought so before,
and then back you came.

I know, I know.
I'll be out of here in just two seconds.

Hey, by the way, what do I do?

Something at Chapman & Funk.

Yeah, I know something at Chapman &
Funk. I was just at Chapman & Funk.

Don't get mad at me. I tried a hundred
times to take interest in your work,

but every time I asked
what you did, exactly,

you spoke to me slowly
like I was a monkey.

There's no need to speak
slowly to a monkey.

I just know I'm
gonna miss the cake.

- Cake?
- Birthday cake.

To save the firm money, you suggested
they ban employee birthdays.

After that, we had a freezer
full of confiscated cakes.

God, I really hated birthdays.

Or loved cake.

I gotta get to this 11:00,
but I'd love to hear more.

And you know what?
I don't mean to complain,

but I just really feel like I am
doing all the work in this breakup.

Hey, Frank, I'm not really sure about
this outfit. You know me. Is this me?

- Yes, it is.
- You didn't look.

It's an improvement over the usual,
I'd say.

Really? How?

Coco Chanel said that to
avoid overaccessorizing,

women should look in the
mirror and remove one thing.

With you,
it was often your dignity.

Oh, thank you
for your honesty.

Hey, should I get a boob job?

- We're not friends.
- Right.

20 floors.

Okay, okay, okay. Thank you.

Secretary, listen,
I have ten seconds before this meeting.

Now just don't ask me,
but just tell me what... do we do?

Exactly what we're told.
I know that now. It won't happen again.

No. Okay... Andrea!
Andrea, listen.

I'm about to fake my way through this
meeting, okay? It would be really nice

- if I just knew what it is--
- It's 11:00. Let's do it.

- Let's do it. Just do it.
- Just do it.

No? Okay. Oh, sorry. Sorry.

All right,
let's get started. Anyone?

Me. Yes, sir. I got us a city council
hearing on that church property.

- Anyone?
- we have a C.R.A. meeting this week.

They don't want us turning the
retirement home into condominiums.

- So what's our play? Zoning commission?
- Community impact hearing.

Real estate! Ha!

It's... it's what we do.

Rehab. She's not used
to her own serotonin.

No, no, no, I know what Sam means.
"Real estate--it's what we do." Get it?

Not having meetings, not negotiating,

but taking real estate and developing it
so the city we love is the best it can be.

Am I right, Sam?

- Yeah, yeah, very.
- Great.

- So how do we get rid of the church?
- What? Don't get rid of a church!

She's right. We add a church.
There's a mini-mall next door.

We buy it, move in a made-up church,
say that church wants to expand.

That's great, Sam, because the council
can't take sides in a religious dispute.

- No, I didn't say to buy a mini-mall.
- We don't need to. I get it.

We lease a storefront. We put a sign in the
window that says "immigration department."

Whole place empties out.
We pick it up for nothing.

Now we are talkin'. I don't even know
why I'm running this meeting anymore.

Would you look at Sam?
Check it. She comes right back.

She's clean as a whistle.
Sharper than ever. Claws out.

Anyone you does not sign
up for rehab is fired.

Now I need some new ideas
on my desk by midnight,

so maybe we'll think about
sneaking out of here early.

Great meeting.

Well...

this job sucks.

Knock, knock!

You do know that saying "knock,
knock" isn't actually knocking, right?

- What were you looking at?
- Nothing.

Are you curious
about your body?

No, I'm not curious about my body.
I'm just...

I'm trying to understand
why I would want a boob job.

- Well, let me see.
- No! God, no.

They're nothing I haven't
seen a thousand times before.

I made them, for heaven's sakes.
Come on. Open up.

- Knock, knock.
- Oh, jeez!

Jiminy Christmas.

Can you just go?
'Cause I have to get dressed.

There's nothing wrong with your breasts.
They are great.

And they're gonna stay great. You know
why? because you have the genes.

- Here, look at these.
- No! Stop.

Just, it's not about if I need
a boob job. It's just about...

It's just about who I am.

I found out what I do
for a living today,

and I really don't like it.

- So quit.
- I can't quit. And do what?

I don't even know how to do
what it is that I do do.

Don't tell her to quit her job.
How is she gonna get insurance?

Howard, go away!
Listen, I know.

First thing tomorrow morning,
we'll go down to that new game store

that Marjorie Law opened with
the money the city gave her

from when the fireworks
came down on her head.

It's called "I'm game if you are." Huh?
She's getting a new jigsaw puzzle.

I don't wanna do a puzzle.
I am a puzzle.

When I was a little girl,
what did I dream of doing?

- Puzzles.
- Okay, and we will do puzzles.

I just think that right now I should
be finding out what is that I love.

- Well, not me. That's for sure.
- Oh, for God sakes.

- No, you hate me. It's fine.
- We will do puzzles, okay?!

It's just...

you're the one who said this
morning that this is a new life,

and maybe I should have
a new life that I want.

Well, maybe you should.
I don't know.

All I know is that this morning
you didn't have any time for me

because you were trying
to find out who you were,

and now you don't
have any time for me

because you're trying to
find out who you are.

From where I sit, this new life
looks a lot like the old one

because neither
one includes me.

So have fun tonight

and... wear a short skirt.

It'll take attention
away from your chest.

You are my hero.

No, you are.
You're really just gonna quit?

- No.
- Maybe.

- Am I crazy?
- Yes.

And here you are.

What would you do,
anyway, if you quit?

Well, she can do
whatever she wants.

You could do whatever you could
dream of in the whole world.

You could rescue newfies.
You could, uh, oh! Oh!

- No, that's all I got.
- Newfies.

How'd she get in here, really?
Is there no one at the door?

No, no, no. She's right.

I can do whatever I want.

I mean, I can write. I could paint.
I could open up a cupcake shop

or a coffee shop or even a
coffee shop that has cupcakes.

- That one. Do that.
- Okay.

The point is,
is that this thing happened to me--

- this near death experience.
- Oh, my God. When?

- Oh! When I got hit by a car.
- Oh, that, yeah. Okay, go on.

Anyway, if things
happen for a reason,

then what was the
reason, right?

Maybe it's that I'm supposed to do
something important in my life,

like improve the world,
help the little people.

What little people? Dwarves?

The dwarves are fine.

Or maybe just not be
unhappy with what I do.

I mean, come on, Andrea.
Do you really, really love what you do?

I don't know. Who cares? But if everyone
asked if they love what they do,

the economy would
collapse by morning,

and how is that
helping the dwarves?

I'm doing it. I'm quitting.

Oh, God! That feels so right.

I don't know why
I didn't do this before.

I'm sorry.
I guess your credit card is declined.

What's that about?

$30,000 in credit card debt?

I mean, how does this happen?

Would it help if I said
you bought me a kidney?

No, I'll tell you
how this happens.

Hair. Makeup. Nails.

You know what? Mostly shoes.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God!
Was I hoarding shoes?

I mean... was the country converting
to some sort of shoe-based currency?

I mean, God!
I know what I'm gonna do.

I'll take them all back.
Yep, that's what I'm gonna do.

I'm gonna take 'em back.
They have to take 'em back, right?

I mean, some of these
haven't even been worn.

And then I can
pay off this debt,

and I can quit that stupid job,

and I can follow my dreams
and help the dwarves.

- What about these?
- No, not those. Those are really cute.

- Sam--
- No, listen, listen. I can do this.

I can do this, all right? Just tell me,
where do I keep the receipts?

You'll find them in
the matching purses.

Stupid "old me."

Old me really screwed new me over,
didn't she?

How am I supposed
to start fresh

when my past just keeps
reaching into my future

and pulling me into my present?

That's very true.

And now I can't quit my job,
and I have to work.

It is so unfair.

- Unfair how?
- That I have to work

so I can pay my bills so
that I can make money!

Okay, so it sounded a lot more unfair
in my head than it did out loud.

- And who are these... dwarves?
- Ugh! Never mind.

Anyway, no, no dwarves, no writing,
no painting, no cupcakes.

Then I guess a boob job
is out of the question.

More where that
came from, mister.

Here's my thought.

- I think you're gonna like it.
- I think I'm gonna love it.

Okay, so now I haven't gotten
all the details worked out,

but when I, um...

when I was in rehab,
we had these amazing speakers,

and there was this one guy.
He was very, very wealthy.

Now I mean, I can't tell you his name
'cause of the whole anonymous thing,

but he said that the secret to success
is to do what the other guys don't.

So instead of getting
rid of that church--

are you ready?

We don't.

Not sure I follow.

What we do is we start to get the name
Chapman & Funk associated with...

- The poor.
- Yes! Yes, helping the poor.

No, being poor.
Have you lost your mind?

No! Yeah--yes. No, listen.

Or what we do is we don't do
development. We, um, diversify.

Open a bakery.
'Cause, you know, people love cupcakes.

Okay, shh.

Listen.

This rehab of yours-- I do not know
what they took out of your system,

but right now I want
you to stand up.

I want you to go back there,
and I want you to pay whatever it takes

to just shove that crap
right back in your mouth.

- Okay.
- Good meeting.

- Didn't go so well, huh?
- He's an ass.

So? You used to know
how to play him.

Next time you go in there,
you just smile, open a button or two.

I'm not gonna open--

Oh, my God.

I can't believe you walk up 20 flights
of stairs every morning. I admire that.

Yeah, it keeps me strong and two sizes
below my body's natural comfort level.

You should try it.
Do you have the reports?

I need you to start
redoing my new office today.

Have the painters come in first thing
so that there are no fumes tomorrow.

You can sleep in there tonight
to make sure it's safe.

Thank you!

What are you doing
in my office?

You didn't hear? I got it for
Landing Sternwood properties.

Sternwood is mine.
How did you--

Oh, you did not.

Chapman didn't fall
for a move that cheap.

Whose idea do you
think these were?

Excuse me.
I have to get something off my chest.

All right,
maybe I wasn't clear.

What I meant to say
was that be both know

that you have encouraged and
rewarded at least one woman here

to have her boobs done.

So if you ever talk to any woman
in this company

about any body part ever again,

by the time you and
I are out of court,

this place is gonna be called Chapman,
Funk and Newly.

Or just Funk and Newly.

Newly and Funk.

Either way.

All right, so just bottom-line
it for me. The church stays?

It's a start.

One more thing.

Happy birthday, dear...
Tracy...

Happy birthday to you...

So you're telling me that your secretary's
birthday just happens to be today?

No, no,
but I had to send a message,

and, of course, she was like,
"no, no, no, I can't do that,"

and I said, "look, girlie, do I have
to command you to have a good time?

"So eat a piece of cake.
Have two pieces of cake." Poor thing.

- She's diabetic, you know.
- Oh, for heaven's sake. No, spit, spit.

- Oh, hi.
- Hi.

Back to work, I see.

Yep.

I'm a workin' girl.

Not like a hooker.
Something... like that.

- There's an edge piece.
- Yeah, I saw it.

You know,
it doesn't have to be all work.

I mean, I hear those 80-hour weeks--
they can be hard on other stuff, too...

like friends and family.

And it doesn't have
to be forever.

But people work, right?

And I think that I can
do some good over there.

- In a lot of debt, huh?
- Just do the puzzle.

I had this dream, and I woke up
clean and white as snow,

my debts forgiven and my
sins all washed away.

That sounds awesome!

But it's a bunch of crap.

I mean, yesterday can't be unlived.
It's part of today.

We drag it along
like a big old dog.

Today is all we can control.

We do today right,

we may even have a
shot at tomorrow.

By the way,
I'm not gonna get that boob job.

No? Good.

Then you really should
start sleeping in a bra.