Samantha Who? (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 14 - The Affair - full transcript

HOT PLATE

you know how when a waiter tells you
not to touch your plate because it's hot,

you immediately have to touch it?

I mean,I guess there's a part of you that
wants to see how hot the plate really is.

But maybe you touch it because
inside,you just wanna do something wrong.

did you hear that?

What was it? The door?

No. My back cracked.

oh,god. I love that.

Oh,don't do that to me.
If chloe catches us...

oh,she's not gonna catch us.



I saw her get into a
cab five minutes ago.

- She didn't see you,did she?
- No,no.

I was hiding behind a newspaper,which
was very informative,by the way.

Did you know that we have never
had a black president or a woman?

This country's wei.

- your back.
- Not my back.

- frank,it's you.
- Pardon me.

I thought you said you
weren't going to be home

and that I should leave your
"as seen on tv" package inside.

I changed my mind. A lot of work.

All the ph-photography,you know?

I mean,enough with the weddings already.

Take the money and buy a house,people.

where shall I put the package?



Okay,look,frank,lately,things
haven't been great with chloe and me.

Maybe she moved in too soon.

Maybe we're just different
people. Relationships. Am I right?

- By the table?
- Perfect.

Don't judge me,anK.

Oh,that ship sailed a long time ago.

You ever thought about
running for president?

In the couch?

What were you hiding as,spare change?

I panicked,all right?

Have you ever seen todd's back?

That chick has nails.

My heart is still beating like
crazy. You gotta feel this.

Yeah,I'm--I'm--I'm kinda
creeped out by the fact

that there's something in our chests
that's pumping blood. I do not like that.

I've never been so scared.

And you love every second of it.

Where is everyone today?

What do I love?

The sneaking around,the cheating on
boyfriends,being the other woman--

you get off on it.

You know,I bet if I bought this
place,I could double the business.

I've always wanted to own my own
coffee shop. We could be partners.

Oh,yeah,and we can live above the store
and have great adventures together.

You know,just because I used to like to sneak
around does not mean I still do,all right?

It's like,just because if I like chocolate
before the accident does not mean that I still do.

You're eating a chocolate croissant.

I don't like sneaking around!

First @hing I would do,I'd fire
everyone. That would be fun.

We could call it "andena."

Th--that's a combination of both of
our names. I just thought of that.

I mean,I don't-- I don't need some kind of
buzz,you know,just to be excited about todd.

Right. That's why you only started
liking him after he started dating chloe.

That is
no not tr--

Oh,my god. It is.,My
god. I do like the buzz.

I love the buzz. I get off on the buzz.

- Okay.
- Wait. Do I hate that about me?

No,I do not.

Well,you know what they say
about the forbidden fruit.

No,I do not.

Hey,todd,uh,so I got your
message,and,uh,12:00 is good,

so I will meet you on the
bridge by the park. Wait.

No one checks these
messages but you,right?

Uh,yeah. So,uh,okay. Yeah,I'll
see y,um,on the thing by the thing.

This is your dry cleaner.

Sam.

Where are you going dressed all snazzy?

Me? Nowhere.

Just off to play some
bridge with the ladies.

Like that? With the
boobs and everything?

Oh,these? Yeah,well,the gals are always
showing off theirs,so I'm like,uh,

why not rub mine in their faces?

Um,I'll tell all the gals you said hi.

Yeah. I don't even
know who the gals are.

Te galsI-I can't name them.

Do you know all your friends' names?

I-I gotta go. We tee off in 20 minutes.

Wait. I thought... you said
you were playing bridge.

We are. Between holes.

The course plays very
slow. A lot of old people.

If I ever get like that,pull the plug.

where have you been?

sorry. I told chloe I was
gonna play basketball...

And I-I wanted it to look real,so
I jumped into a pickup game.

Then it went into overtime,and
you had to win by 2 points.

Oh,yeah. I mean,I-I could've
helped you get sweaty,but yeah.

Look,I'm sorry. I'm bad at this.

When she asked me who I was
going out with,I blanked.

I couldn't even think
of my own friends' names.

I said "lancelot." It was a disaster.

Anyway,I'm here now,so...

oh,my god! My mother
wasn't gonna play golf.

That may be the unsexiest
line I've ever heard.

My mother's having an affair.

And we have a new winner.

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Samantha Who
Season01 Episode14

Your mother's not having an affair.

You didn't see her,all right?

She was definitely sneaking off
somewhere to get some strange.

Sam,you're projecting.

You just think she's having
an affair because you are.

You think?

Come on. She's not the kind of
woman who has an affair,is she?

No. No,she's the kind of
woman who collects roosters.

God. What is the matter with me?

You know what? Nothing. Nothing.

You feel guilty,and
you know what? So do I.

That's why I've got
to put an end to this.

You want to stop seeing me?

No. I'm breaking up with chloe.

Oh,good! Wait! No,don'T.

Well,I thought you
wanted to be together.

Well,of course I do. I'm
just,um,I'm kinda worried.

About what?

About you,'cause,you
know,I,uh,it's just--

I'm--I'm feeling like maybe
you're with me because you--

you know,you kinda get off
on all this sneaking around.

- Yeah,I really don't
think-- - We're out of time.

- well,we should talk about this.
- Tomorrow.

Tomorrow we will talk about you
getting off on all theneaking.

So where do you wanna meet?

At a hotel. Check in as "mty."

Monty. Yeah. What?

I don't know why everyone thinks
that sneaking around is so bad.

I mean,spies do it,you know,and--and
they're defending the country.

So I'm like a patriot.

Oh,thanks,sam.

You know what? I started to feel
so bad about what I was doing

that I actually thought my
own mother was screwing around.

how stupid is that?

You know what?

I think I'm gonna go see how
much they want for this place.

I'm gonna go with her.

What's going on?

Nothing. I just wanted
to watch her negotiate.

why? Is something going on?

Andrea,you know
something,and I wanna hear it.

There was an incident a few years ago.

You and I were coming out of a club.

And?

Sorry. Usually by now,you're like,"oh,my
god!" And then you remember everything.

Just tell me the story,please.

- is that your mom over there?
- Th is your mom.

No,really. Is that your mom?

- That's your mom.
- No!

That's my mom.

regina newly!

Sam. Andrea.

- What are you doing here?
- Me? Nothing.

Just cheese... t-tasting it...

just tasting cheese with... the gals.

Someone's not wearing her wedding ring.

Oh,well,cheese makes me bloat,especially
roquefort and some cheddars,the occasional goat.

Will you stop looking at my fingers?

excuse me. Thank you.

Oh,sweetie,I hate to be the one to tell you
this,but I think your mother's having an affair.

Yeah. How cool is that?

oh,my god. My mother's been
having an affair for years.

Maybe not. I mean,maybe it's--
maybe it's something else.

Yeah. No,you're right. I mean,maybe she's,like,turning
tricks to pay for her community college.

Guys,this is gonna kill my father.

Yoknow,my aunt found out that
my uncle was having an affair,

and two weeks later,they found
her dead from a broken heart...

and a boating accident.

You know,maybe she is
telling the truth,though.

Maybe cheese does make her bloat.

I just need to know for sure.

Oh,you could sprinkle
parmesan cheese,you know,so--

about the affair,honey.

okay,I was watching oprah last week,

and she was talking about ways to
tell if someone's having an affair.

Oh,my god. We both watch oprah.

Oh,my god. We're twins!

- The first sign is dieting.
- No.

- I mean,she eats whatever she wants.
- Bitch.

Hey,is she doing anything,you
know,differnt in bed?

Actually,yeah,she's been doing this
new thing with her-- I don't know!

Underwear. Underwear.

Is she buying sexy lingerie?

Andrea,what do you think I do,go
rifling through her underwear drawer?

new.

new. New... new. New.

Samantha?

Hey,dad.

What up?

What the hell is going on in here?

you know,if I,uh,if I told you,I
don't think you'd be very happy.

Well,I don't expect
things to make me happy.

I'm from a different generation.

I needed money.

What for?

The concert. Rock concert.

Yeah,it's this great band.
They're,uh,they're called...

"lancelot."

They dress up like knights and stuff.

- You wanna go?
- No.

Just,um... clean up in here and...

come down to nner.

Yeah,it's funny. The--lancelot--
they have this song.

It's called "come to
dinner. It's like...

come to dinner in the
castle of our love...

More meat loaf,regina?

No,just salad.

Oh,really? You dieting,perhaps?

No,actually,I had a late lunch.

Oh,really? How was it?

Very tasty. I had orange roughy.

Yeah,bet you like it rough-Y.

What is the matter with you?

Okay,enough.

There's something going on under this roof
that's divided our family for a long time,

and I am not going to
stand for it anymore.

That's right. You tell her,pop.

Regina,our daughter is a junkie.

What? No,I am not.

Yep. The first response
is always denial.

But I caught her going through our
drawers looking for money to get her fix.

That is so not true.

Don't pretend you're going
to see that band lancelot,

because according to the
internet,the band does not exist.

That's right. I used the internet.

I thought it might be drugs.

That's probably what
caused your memory problem.

I was hit by a car!

Well,that's what happens when
you don't pay your dealer.

Oh,for heaven sake!

May I be excused? Thank you.

It's not in my head,all right?
I saw my mother's panties.

I'm gonna put my shirt on.
I'm starting to feel weird.

I cannot believe that she is having an
affair with some man right here in this city.

Yeah,I wonder if he's paying
$300 for a hotel room,too.

Oh,I know. I know. I'm sorry.

- Let's--we can just talk about
this later,okay? - All right.

- I wonder what he looks like.
- okay,then.

I'm sure he's latin and
all swarthy,you know,like...

"come on,regina. Let me
make sweet love to you."

That's not latin. That's french.

I don't care. I'm not
calling him "daddy."

I'm sorry. I'm sorry,todd.

I just--I can't-- I
can't do this right now.

I need to find out who
this guy is,all right?

- Rain check?
- Yeah.

Chocolate.

And there's another 8 bucks.

I've never followed anyone before.

Well,once,but he wanted me to.

I mean,he told me not
to,but he wanted me to.

He's cute.

Ooh,yes. If he came into my
coffee shop,I wold hire him.

He could be our
barista,play spanish guitar.

He can emcee on open mike night.

We're not having an open mike night.

you said "we"!

God. I can't take this anymore.

Mother!

- Sorry.
- Sure.

Ll,hello there,darling.

Whatre you doing?

Don't tell me that you're tasting cheese
or playing bridge-golf with the gals,

because I know that
you are cheating on dad.

Cheating?

Come on,mom.

The makeup,the new lingerie,the
boobs in the afternoon.

I never could fool you,samantha.
You're a smart girl.

That's my fault. I breast-fed you
the first four weeks of your life.

So who is he? What's his name?

rory.

Rory? Rory?

Kinda sounds like a dog throwing up.

I realize you're good now,samantha,

and you're no longer subject to
the temptations the rest of us feel,

but don't you judge me for something
you've done a thousand times.

I'll see you athome fodinner.

I made scalloped potatoes.

Now don't get all excited.

It's not a marijuana plant.

So,um...

where's mom?

I don't know. Upstairs?

Yeah,she's-- e's
not upstairs,dad.

She's not even here. Her car's gone.

Oh,well,she's out then.

See? This is the problem.

You don't even know where
she is or who she's with.

Or if they're latin or french or rory.

Okay,I don't care how much it costs.

We're getting you into a program.

Dad,you two are living parallel lives.

Sammy,your mother and i are just fine.

When two people have been married as long as
we have,you learn to give each other space.

You water a flower too much,it dies.

Yeah,well,if you don't water it enough,it'll
find someone to have sex with who will.

Oh,boy. sammy,flowers don't have sex.

It's called cross-pollination.

I got a "time life"
book. I'll show you--

that's it.That's it. You know
what? You're coming with me.

- Where are we going?
- There's something that you need to see,dad.

- Okay,but we're taking my car.
- Fine.

I'm not gonna get jacked holding some
ditch weed and a dub sack of kokomo.

And no more internet!

I'm so sorry,dad.

I thought she had everything she needed.

I mean,what kind of woman does this?

You know,there's no parking
here,so why don't you just valet?

I'm not gonna pay $5 for
parking. I'm mad enough.

Now go inside,get your mother,because
if I see the man she's with,

I'm gonna put my fist through his eye!

I'm just gonna circle.

all right.

sam?

What the hell are you doing here?

You need to come outside
to the car right now.

No,I'm not gonna leave here. You are.

And we will talk about
this wh I go home.

two,please.

Do we look like we
work here,mister? Scoot.

Right this way.

You're not having an
affair? You're a waitress?

Hostess. Thank you.

Oh,what? No,no,no,no,no.

You have to be having an affair,because--because
y-you're not wearing your wedding ring.

Single girls get bigger tips.

Okay,well,but then what about--
what about all that fancyew lingerie?

Oh,well,because I'm your mother,I can't
wear a garter belt and occasional thong?

No,no,you cannot.

I'll see that you get some bread.

A job? This is your big secret?

Yes. Yes,it was.

One thing in my life that I don't have
to account for to anyone-- it's just mine.

Well,if you're gonna stay here,fold.

I am part of a whole
different world here.

Last week,I seated a guy from malaysia.

When would I ever meet
people from malaysia?

I mean,lord knows I'd never
set foot in that country.

You ld me that you
were having an affair.

I mean,you--you--you
lied.

Because I knew if I told you I had
a job,you would tell your father.

But you do not understand him.

Know that man,and if he ever thought
that I needed to or even wanted to work,

he would feel he had
failed me completely.

So I let you think it was an affair,'cause
I knew you would never tell him that.

I found a parking space.

Well,it seems I'm still
getting to know you.

All right,where is he,regina?

Tell me where he is so I can rip
off his head and feed it to the dog!

Howard. Howard,there isn't anybody here.

Oh,yes,there is. Sammy
told me all about it.

No,dad. I was wrong.

Oh,so you're protecting him,too,huh?

All right,I want the truth right now.

Mom. Mom,just tell
him. He'll understand.

Okay. Okay.

Howard...

I'm ashamed to say that i
was going to have an affair...

But I sent him away.

oh,for pete's sake.

I-I just couldn't do it.

I mean,there he was,sitting
across the table from me--

ten years my junior,tall,athletic...

boot-cut jeans.

And I said,"no. No. I love my husband.

"And if I have a problem,I'm gonna
go home,and I'm gonna deal with it."

No.

I'm gonna have to deal with it,regina.

Sammy's right.

I've been neglecting you.

W-well,I didn't want to have to
be the one to say it,but,uh...

maybe,uh,you know,a gift now and then?

Anything.

Two for lunch.

right this way.

Sammy's got a job.

I hope they don't give her a urine test.

Todd! Todd!

Sam?

wait. What are you doing
here? Chloe's upstairs.

I know. That's what I
wanna talk to you about.

I wanna be the one
upstairs,todd. You know?

Not the one in plant.

I want something stable,todd.

I want something where the
people love each ther so much,

they're--they're willing to--
to lie very bizarrely just to--

just to protect eachther's feelings.

I-I don't want to sneak around anymore.

So you have to choose.

It's either chloe or me.

Wait. I was the
one who said--

We talk too muc

you.

And you know,if I ever want
to work,then I am gonna work.

You got that,bucko?

wait.

you know that thing about touching the
plate after the waiter tells you it's hot?

The most exciting time is that
moment right before you touch it.

After that,you're just an idiot sitting
in a restaurant with a burnt finger.

hey,frank.

Miss newly.

Big ne.

Todd is going to be my boyfriend.

I guess the man's never heard the
phrase,"fool me twice,shame on me."

oh,funny,funny frank.

the truth is, one who's
had my share of meals,

it's a lot more fun
when you're t in pain.

* May the road rise with you *

* may the road rise with you *

* may the road rise with you *

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