Samantha Who? (2007–2009): Season 1, Episode 13 - The Gallery Show - full transcript

everyday the world is sending its messages

Signals. some of those signals are easy.

A store's having a sale.

Return address labels will cure cancer.

"we will shut off your phone."

But some signals are harder to read.

"hey!"

"hey!"

"hey! I missed you, and I'd love to see you at my show."

"hey! come to the show. let's make chloe jealous."

"hey! I'm having a show do not come."



"hey! I just ordered too many invitations,

And I'm just sending them out to everybody I know."

"hey! have a good summer.

-I hope we have classes together next year." -"hey!

ever since I got hit by a car,

I talk to myself an awful lot."

How long have you been there?

I watch you sometimes. you have a head injury. I worry.

All right. well, should I go?

Oh, sweetheart, you can't go.

no, thank you. you're right. I am not going.

-But you have to go. -your brain damage is

A little bit different than mine, isn't it?

Well, what signal do you want to send?



If you don't go, it says, "i'm not over you,

And I can't bear to see you with chloe."

And if you do go, it says, "i'm not over you,

But I can't bear to be apart."

what does it say if he's found with this

Crammed down his throat?

oh, don't do that. I need the address.

-What? you're going? -hey, I didn't sleep with him.

Oh, god. I cannot believe that he just dumped this in my lap.

Well, you know what? I'm not gonna go.

And just so there's no confusion of the signal that I'm sending,

I'm gonna go tell him face-to-face

That the reason I'm not going is because I have moved on...

And I have better things to do that night.

-Hey. -now what the hell is that supposed to mean?

So is he coming down or what? here. call him again.

Cause you know what?

For some reason, I'm not welcome into the apartment that I own.

Maybe because you tried to destroy

His relationship with chloe.

I don't know. I'm not a mind reader.

Oh! did I tell you?

He invited me to his gallery show.

He invited me, too, but, sadly,

I teach comedy traffic school that night.

well, you know what?

I'm not going either. I don't care if he begs me.

And i-i don't care what it says to anyone,

Cause you know what? I've moved on, and I am a-ok.

-Or maybe you love him. -stop it! shut up!

Why do you do stuff like that?

They won't let me listen to the radio.

You!

Hey, sam.

-Hey. -what's up?

Uh, I got your little invitation challenge to your show.

Yeah, about that...

Um, chloe kinda found out I sent you an invitation

And... strongly suggested you don't come.

Chloe did?

Yeah, she just kinda thinks

That the feelings might be a little raw still.

I-i don't know...

And that, um, maybe you're not... over me.

Over you?

I am so over you.

Yeah. no, I'm actually gonnbe at your little show

With a date.

-A date? -oh, I'm sorry that I haven't filled you in

On all the details of my life,

But, um, while I was so busy getting over you,

I actually met someone,

And, um, it has turned into something real.

And his name is rance,

And he's very comfortable with himself,

And he has nothing to prove.

So I will see you at the shizzow, okay?

Rance?

I know!

Oh, I'm so stupid!

Maybe I'll just tell him that rance got called into surgery

-And he can't go. -oh, he's a doctor now?

Yes, he's a doctor, and now I am going to the show alone.

Alone? why not just go with a million cats?

-Maybe I will. -you won't catch me at an art show.

I don't like art. it makes me feel things.

I don't like to feel things

you're feeling plenty of things right now.

Excuse me.

I'm the boyfriend. deal with it.

God. that's my boss.

There's gotta be some kind of line he's crossing here, right?

-It's not happening if you don't look at it. -like poverty.

you know what? I can do this.

I can do this, cause, yeah, I'm attractive.

Right? all this, you know, up in here.

-I can get a guy by tomorrow. -make it a hot guy.

Right. a hot guy. a hot guy, like, "check it out, dude.

I'm bringing a hot guy to your gallery show

no, if you bring a hot guy,

It'll just seem like you're trying to make todd jealous.

-Loser guy. I'm bringing a loser guy to the gallery show. -no.

if I see a hot chick with a loser guy,

It's like she's saying, "hey! hey, check me out. try me.

I'm get-able." I'm right in there.

I'd kill her. look at me. I will.

come here, breakfast.

And there goes mine.

Ooh, look. there's a hot guy. trip him.

I don't want to have a hot guy.

I just want a-a nonthreatening, but not pathetic,

Perfectly average, run-of-the-mill rance.

That's why we're going to a bookstore.

Once you get inside,

Look for a guy who's buying "marley & me."

-That means he's got a soul. -or a boyfriend.

Look, you do not need to cruise a bookstore for a date.

Go with this guy I know.

He's the most vicious art critic in all of chicago.

-It'll destroy todd. -I don't want to destroy todd.

Oh, then I'm lost here.

It's okay, andrea.

You know, I'm probably just better at this

Because, you know, I'm in a relationship,

And--and you're not, and, you know,

It's of a give and ta-- okay.

Ooh! ooh! excuse me. could you reach this for me?

I don't work here.

Well, that's too bad, cause it was a book on manners!

-What? -come here.

Carry on.

Mm. so... whatcha readin'?

"controlling your anger."

Step one--don't look at the prices in this place, right?

Am I right? am I right?

Oh. excuse me, miss. miss, hi.

Can you just put that back, please?

Why? do you want it?

no. just-- can you just put it back?

So you're not buying it.

You're just spending some quality time with it?

Look, as a favor to me, can you just put it back?

oh, to you?

Well, if it's for you, after all you've done for me...

-Uh, just--can you just give it to me? -hey! do not grab!

-Oh! oh! do not push! -oh, I just did.

She's the one who started it! she's--oh, forget it.

Nobody reads anymore anyway!

This place is gonna be a yogurt shop in two months!

Damn it!

Come on. damn it!

If you're trying to break into this car,

You're drawing an awful lot of attention to yourself.

Anyone can get in with a key.

I let to give myself a challenge.

Yeah, but that's not gonna work

Cause you got that thingy bent all wrong.

You just said "thingy." you're disqualified.

I don't want to sound sexist, but you're in my sandbox here.

Okay, here we go. almost got it.

Almost got it.

Got it!

Do you like photography?

Look at all these city people here at todd's show.

I'll bet somone in here is a bisexual.

-These photos are not good. -shh! howard!

What would you know? the only pictures you like

Are the ones on the menu that help you order.

What about that one?

Oh, I should have left you in the car.

Art should challenge you.

If I'm gonna pay $12 for parking,

Art should make me think.

I'm not thinking, regina.

Well, don't let that stop you from talking.

Hey.

Oh, hey. good. you're here.

Do I look okay? your message was a little confusing.

I haven't been to many art shows,

But I've never heard of "casual average."

Yeah. no, no, it's good. it's good.

You're not too dressed up,

And, uh, the sweater's-- it's a little pilly.

It's perfect. perfect.

Let's--let's go... look at... some art.

Todd!

Sam's here. you told me you told her not to come.

-I did. -well, then wha--

Can we not do this now? I have a lot on my mind.

It is my first gallery show.

Baby, let's just get outta here.

Buildings...

Buildings...

Buildings.

Okay, now we're talking.

Oh, well, sure, you like that one. it's a naked woman.

Well, that's not why I like it. there's an overall theme.

There's an intimacy to it.

well, that's what those artists do

They get these models drunk, they loosen their inhibitions,

And they have sex with them. you saw "titanic." well,

i don't like it because of the sex.

There's an idea. there's a point of view.

-There's a mole. that's our daughter. -oh, my god!

Could you excuse me for a second?

Hey.

Great choice. this is gonna kill todd.

I don't want to kill todd, all right?

Because if he's dead, then he can't see how okay I am.

Well, meet cameron, the art critic I told you about

the vicious one?

-Yeah, this is gonna kill todd. -we're not killing todd!

This is not artisanal cheese.

you're mad. go take it out on the photos.

This craig guy--he looks familiar. do I know him?

Oh, god. did you sleep with him?

oh, please. he's wearing a swatch.

-Where's dena, by the way? -oh, I don't know.

i gave her the address myself.

Oh. you know?

-Hello? -it's limiting!

It's confining! this is art!

You are not a photograph.

Is this the rawlston gallery?

There is no freedom! there are no choices!

This is art!

Andrea.

I hope she didn't get lost. mm, huh.

Yeah. hi.

Oh, hey. hi. I just spent the last five minutes

Trying to understand a picture called "coat check"

Until I realized it was actually a sign for the coat check. oh.

-Can I take your coat? -yeah, sure, sure. thanks.

Okay. oh, wait. wait. wait. just wait.

Now.

Oh. sorry.

No, that's okay. oh, no. it's-- it's caught around my purse.

It's okay. I gotta be able to get the...

It's okay. I got it. i-i--just let go.

just relax. oh, let go

God. did you see her ankle bracelet? what a whore.

You know what? I'm actually glad I slept with her boyfriend.

you almost had to.

I know, right? -oh, what? hey!

Oh! oh! let go!

You let go! I just got that!

Man, you are strong. I thought you were older. oh!

Older? what?! oh, crap!

I know! I wanted to borrow that one.

I brought a mugger to todd's show.

Bad boys are hot. it's gonna kill todd.

Andrea, he might actually kill todd.

oh, just call the police.

Oh, yeah, and have them

Come arrest my new boyfriend who I know so well?

No, no. i-i'm just gonna find him, get him outta here,

And then I will call the police.

this is gonna be hard to hear.

-What? -you're probably not having sex tonight

Yeah, I did--i didn't tell you this,

Because then I thought you weren't gonna come

And everything, but we are actually on a scavenger hunt!

And the first thing that we were supposed to get

Was a cheap glass of wine from an art gallery.

And now what we need to find is a policeman's cap, so let's go.

Oh! hey, guys.

Hey.

Sam!

Todd. oh, my god. it's so crazy to see you.

At my art show?.

we love it. we love it, the two of us

Yeah, me and, uh... my lover.

See, chloe

sam brought a date. they're dating.

Really? for how long?

Don't answer that. what, are you writing a book?

Hi. uh, you must be rance.

-Rance? -rance, rance, crazy pants.

Yep, that's what they call him down at, um, the workplace.

And where's that?

-No one knows. -I manage a jazz club.

Mm. likely story.

-What?! -uh, likey story. I likey.

I likey a lot, my boyfriend.

Would you excuse us?

We're gonna go enjoy the art by the exit.

-"rance"? -just ignore him.

Artists. you know, they all got syphilis or something.

Makes 'em crazy. why am I the one explaining myself?

Did I do something wrong here?

I don't know. does this ring a bell?

We're not on a scavenger hunt, are we?

Three years ago, in the park, next to the zebra bar,

You ripped one of these out of my hands.

So what do you have to say about that?

It's... possible.

Okay. i, um...

Need a minute because I only had something to say

If you had said, "no, I did not."

Just, um...

Take your time.

Yeah. okay.

There is nothing new!

there is no innovation! this is art!

You know, I tried to be nice to andrea.

I invite her to my lunches with sam at the souplantation.

There are no possibilities! there is no truth! this is--

No! no! there's no truth because she's always lying!

There is no meaning! there is no point! this--

Yeah! yeah, there's no point--

No point in trying to push me aside, 'cause I have spent

The last 20 years waiting to be friends with sam again,

And if andrea thinks she's just gonna get in between us,

I will twist her head off like a little bottle top

will you just shut up?

I'm the only one who's supposed to be talking here!

-Yeah, the--the rawlston gallery... -oh, yes!

Is run by morons, and they would never get what I do... oh.

But they are at 18th and halsted,

So will you just get outta here?!

Thank you.

I really hope somebody buys you.

I'm not for sale. get outta here!

So you just woke up one day and decided to stop stealing.

No, uh, you were the last person I robbed, actually.

Oh, really?

Was it something in my eyes that inspired you to change?

No, no. you wouldn't let go of your purse.

I separated my shoulder.

My arm was in a sling for weeks.

I didn't have insurance, so I had to use a paper bag.

Oh, I'm sorry.

That--that's okay.

So, yeah, I've changed,

But people really don't believe that's possible, so...

I do.

What?

Believe that people can change.

You wanna stick around,

Eat somethin'?

-You sure? -yeah.

Oh, just, uh, just for the record,

That was your car that we were breaking into, right?

Yes, it was.

Nothing to see here. keep it moving, fellas.

Keep it--keep it moving.

I forgive the artist for all his other sins here tonight.

This photograph is transcendent.

You want a punch in the nose?

Howard.

Howard, what are you doing?

I protected her body on her prom night,

And I'm gonna protect it now. well,

I have news for you about your prom night.

-What? -nothing.

Can I get you a refill?

Thank you.

I thought you were getting rid of him.

Yeah, but you know what?

he said he's changed, and I believe him.

I mean, if I can't believe that someone's changed,

Then how can I expect anyone else to believe that I have,

-Right? -did he threaten your family?

Hmm? because you don't really like them.

I'm serious.

hey, wouldn't it be crazy if in pretending

To be moving on, that I actually was moving on?

Cause you know what? i-i kinda like him.

Oh, my god! oh, my god! it's my date!

It's my date! he's a thief!

stop him! he's a thief! let's go. come on.

He's a... I was just trying to hide it.

I'm tired of people ogling my daughter.

Sam?

So you still think I'm a thief.

A thief?

A thief who stole my heart!

We can go whenever you want. um...

Please stay

Until the accusation thing,

We were having such a good time!

no, I think I should go.

I think I need to date people I haven't robbed.

And still no apology for that.

You two have shamed me in front of the chicago art world.

I bought eight of todd's photos

Out of pure embarrassment.

I hope you like silhouettes of trees.

I'm sorry, dad.

A pretty humiliating night for both of us, huh?

No, just you.

It's a naked picture of your ex-girlfriend.

Look, i-i only put it in the show to sell it...

To make money to--to buy you a present.

Shut up, todd. you still want her.

-Why can't you just admit it? -because it's not true.

Oh, yeah?

Well, if you love me so much, where's my naked picture?

I mean, am I not a fitting enough subject for your art?

Are these babies not good enough for you?

You brought a mugger to my show?

Yeah, well, I was, uh, gonna bring a serial killer,

But his van broke down.

I mean, you can date whoever you want.

I'm not dating...

I know. I get it.

What about you, smart guy?

Did you really think this one through?

Well, I have a right to display my art.

Oh, give it up.

I'm gonna have to side with chloe on this one.

I wanted it in my show. it's my best picture.

There's a red dot on it.

Who bought it? oh, god. that feels weird.

Nobody bought it.

I didn't want anyone to have it,

So i-i put a "sold" sticker on it.

Yeah.

Maybe.

Out of my way! you!

Oh, pooh. you're late. sorry you missed all the fun.

Oh! not really. I brought my own fun.

Hello, andrea. come in early tomorrow.

Do you mind? I want to show you your new office.

i think you're gonna like it.

If you need to make a copy, it's super convenient.

Okay, so you don't like practical jokes.

That's good to know. that's how a friendship grows!

Come on. I'll walk you out.

Signals are like art--

The meaning can be interpreted in countless ways,

Like that statue of a giant clothespin.

Actually, no one knows what that one means.

But sometimes a signal is nothing like art.

Its meaning is crystal clear.

You have your valet ticket?

Yeah, I have it right here. oh, my god. damn it!

That bastard stole my wallet! I can't believe it!

Oh, here it is.