Sabrina's Secret Life (2003–2004): Season 1, Episode 4 - Putting Off - full transcript

Sabrina knows there's a big assignment due at school - a term paper on a world conqueror. (She chose Attila the Hun, thinking he'd been given a raw deal by history; she's going to tell the true story.) But she keeps putting the assignment off and putting it off and putting it off. All her friends are getting their work done, but Sabrina keeps putting it off, putting it off, until finally, it's the day before due day. Sabrina freaks. She can't put it off any longer. With no time left for research (the library's closed), she uses Hilda & Zelda's Incantation book (strictly against house rules) to conjure up Attila so she can interview him for the report. Alas, Attila doesn't want to be interviewed. When starts to like the modern world, he doesn't want to leave. It has such a... mellowing effect on him. But Cassandra doesn't know of Sabrina's problems - only that Sabrina has a great historical strongman interview in hand. So just when it looks like Sabrina is doomed, competitive Cassandra sets aside her previous work and conjures up Genghis Khan for her own report. When the two ruthless conquerors meet, they get in an argument over who was the nastiest and suddenly all Greendale is at risk. Sabrina and Cassandra must reign in their conquerors to save the town (and keeps good notes so they can ace their reports).

♪Who's making
magic, making magic,
making magic♪

♪Who's making
magic, making magic,
making magic♪

♪What's going on here,
something's not right♪

♪Who's making magic now every
night♪

♪Witch Training lessons
till the mornin' light♪

♪Living Sabrina's Secret Life.

♪Who's making magic

♪Who's making magic

♪Who's making magic

♪Sabrina's Secret Life!

♪Witch training lessons now
every night♪



♪Sabrina's Secret Life!

In honor of World
History Week in Greendale,

your assignment, should you
choose to accept it -- and if

you want to pass this class,
you'd better -- is to write a

term paper on
world conquerors.

All you have to do is choose
one from this list -- and get

to work.

Who wants to pick first?

What was it Salem said?

Sabrina, ya promised your
Aunts two weeks ago that you'd

clean out your closet.

You can't keep
putting things off

Quit ordering me around, Salem!

You're as bad as, as,
a-as Attila the Hun!



Ah, good old Attila!

We go waaay back.

Nice guy.

He got a bad rap
from the history books.

I'll tell you all about
it some time,

after you clean your closet.

Hmmm.

Can I have Attila the Hun?

Please, Mr. Snipe!

Hmmm.

Certainly, Sabrina.

Uh, Genghis Kahn,
because he's bigger,

braver and
smarter than Attila!

Huh?

Yee haa!

Howdy Sabrina, so
how's the report coming?

Uh, Really great.

I've got it
nearly all worked out.

So how's the
report coming, Sabrina?

Hmmm.

Oh!

Comin' down the
home stretch, Harvey!

So how's the
report coming, Sabrina?

You know it's due
tomorrow morning.

OMIGOSH!

My report!

Gotta fly.

Uh, I mean go.

See ya!

Hey!

Huh?

Hmmm?

Huh?

Aahhh!

Yee haaaa!

Hey, how's that for some
fancy ropin' greenhorn?

What are you doing?

It's World History
Week little lady,

remember?

I'm a cowcat.

Hmmm.

Alright spill, tell me
everything you know about

Attila the Hun.

Who?

Your buddy Attila.

Come on!

Don't you remember what
you told me a while back?

Ah good old Attila!

We go waaay back.

Oh yeah, that Attila.

Well, uh, yeah sure,
we uh, we hung out. Uh,

I mean, we weren't
exactly best buds or anything.

Know what I mean?

Well I did meet him at a
victory party after he sacked

Northern Italy. I accidentally
stepped on his foot and we

struck up a conversation.

But he only said
four words to me.

Which were,?

"Off with his head."

Oh no!

What am I going to do?

I thought I could do my whole
report based on you being

friends with him and now
I find out you were just

name-dropping!

Look don't blame me for your
putting this off 'til the last

minute.

What if we conjure up the real
Attila the Hun and interview

him in person?

A world conqueror?

Here? In person?

Definitely bad for my health.

You owe me one -- Mr.
"Attila's best buddy."

I heard her tell Zelda that
she'd put it where I'd never

find it-- and that
always means here!

With all the brooms
you witches have,

you'd think Hilda would
sweep up now and again.

Hey, I found
Hilda's spellbook!

She hid it under her diary.

Ooh, sneaky!

Her diary?!

Let me see!

Oh no you don't!

We have a spell
to cast, remember?

Here it is!

"Conjuring Dead
Luminaries, for Simpletons."

That's us!

Speak for yourself, Einstein.

Lemme see.

Hmmm. That's some
awfully fine print,

oh boy, listen to this: "If
ye call a great one forth,

accept that he
may want to stay.

Ye cannot make him go
back unless he so agrees."

No Problem.

There's no way
he'd wanna stay.

Crime, overcrowding, pollution
-- The 21st Century is gross!

Don't say I didn't warn you.

"I call upon Attila the Hun,
to my time from the past to

come.

By these powers
let it be done!

Alagarak!

Ekwan itzu?

At ease, Attila!

Down boy!

It's okay!

By this spell, when
his mouth reopens,

the language of
today be spoken.

What gives?

Ohhh, my brain hurts.

Time travel headache.

A little water, a
couple of aspirins,

it'll pass.

Ecch.

What's that smell?

"Eau de Hun"--they didn't
invent deodorant for another

fifteen hundred years!

Oohh, the beast speaks!

I've heard that voice before.

Who are you, diminutive pest?

Uh, they call me uhh, Fluffy.

"Off with his
head" -- remember?

Uh, I'm a friend,
your barbarian-ness.

Allow me to welcome
you to our happy,

peaceful little world.

I do not trust you, fleabag.

As for you- I detect witchery.

And for that, you will perish!

Halt!

I brought you here with magic,
and I can make more magic.

Magic you may not like.

I've banished better
magicians than you.

What makes you think
you can control me?

See for yourself,

Sit!

Tcha! Parlor tricks.

You think he's just gonna
curl up and watch cartoons?

Hocus pocus locus, sesamay,
show the fate of those who

disobey!

Huh?!

Tiny gladiators
trapped inside the box!

My magic is very powerful!

We take you now to -

Sabrina: Behold!
That could be you,

should you disobey my wishes!

Hmmm.

What are you talking about?

Do I have to
spell it out for you?

Okay, I guess I do:
play along with me and

everything will be okay.

But if you don't, I'll capture
your soul and seal you in my

magic box with all
the other doomed souls!

Okay, okay.

I get the idea.

So, what do you want from me?

For the moment,
simply watch and learn.

My magic box will teach you
all you need to know about

this world.

I'll be back in a moment,

Huh?

Whew! What a bully!

He had me scared
for a while there.

Yeah, but you did great.

What a performance.

I'd give ya a thumbs up,
but I don't have any thumbs.

Looks like I'll be
needing this after all!

(phone rings)

Hello?

Oh, hi, Harvey!

I just called to see how you
were doing on your report.

Wow, really?

That's fantastic!

I can hardly wait!

See you in the
morning, Sabrina!

Hmmm.

Hey, Maritza?

Make it snappy, I'm working.

Oh, you'll wanna hear
this, I guarantee it.

Sabrina's got the actual
Attila the Hun coming

to class tomorrow!

Don't ask me how she did
it, but it's all over school!

Oh, I know how she did it.

I knew she was
up to something.

Now I know what.

Thanks, Margaux.

That little, witch!

Well, two can play that game.

Let's see,
Conjuring luminaries spell,

Language of today
spell, we're ready to roll!

Genghis Kahn?

I did it!

Hah!

What have we here?

Kneel before your
all-powerful king,

insignificant one!

But, I thought you'd
wanna know about Atilla?

That Hun?

He is here?

Oh all my life every kingdom
I conquer people saying,

"you're good, but
you're no Attila the Hun."

Where is he?

That is his abode?

I told you not to
expect a mansion.

The great and powerful
Attila, living in a hovel?

How the mighty have fallen.

So tell me, Atil, er,
Mr. Hun, what was it like,

taking on the
entire Roman empire?

Ppeh, like picking
fleas from my armit hair.

Who goes there?

Oh!

Oh!

Stop!

So you are the great
conqueror Attila the Hun!

Who knew you were
so short and puny.

Yes well, I'll appear much
taller when you're on the

ground, struck
down by my sword.

En garde!

There must be a
spell to stop this,

So Attila, is it true you
are so unwilling to share your

throne with your own
brother that you had him

killed?

You know, you fight
well, for a runt.

And you fight
well, for a pinhead!

We have more in
common than you think,

barbarian.

You may be right.

We are superior to the people
of this world, who are mere

helpless weaklings!

Agreed.

They don't know how to fight.

Why, I could -

So could I!

Then why don't we
do it together?

Just imagine how easy
it will be to conquer.

Today, this backwards hamlet
called Greendale, tomorrow,

the world.

They're out of control!

Do something!

Like what?

There's nothing in the spell
book about sending them back

if they don't want to go!

Conquering this world
will be a simple task.

I even saw some helpful
tips on the magic box.

Halt!

I command you!

Heed my words or I will send
you back from whence you came!

Yeah, go ahead and try!

Then I'll capture your
soul in my magic box!

Oohh, I'll believe
that when I see it.

Now butt out, little girl!

What now?

Don't ask me.

You started it.

Well you can't blame the cat.

I warned you, Sabrina.

They don't have to go
back unless they want to.

You're right,
it's all my fault.

I'm always putting things off
and taking the easy way out.

Well, good of you to finally
see it -- but perhaps a tad

late if Attila and Genghis
end up taking over the world.

But I'm not going to let them!

One way or another, they're
going to regret that they ever

set foot in the
twenty-first century!

(fighting, punches thrown)

Oh!

Mr. Snipe!

What happened?

Those guys are taking this
world history week dress up

thing WAY too seriously.

D-Did they say
where they're going?

Yes, to raise an army to
help them conquer the world.

They even asked us to join.

I would have none of it, for a
house divided will not stand!

Hmmm.

Uh, right.

Thanks! Later!

Boo.

What was that all about?

I think Ben Franklin just
told them to go fly a kite.

Uh-oh. I smell trouble!

What's this? Imposters!

Destroy them!

Behold, citizens of Greendale!

We have
conquered the usurpers!

Now no one can
question our power.

Join us and share in
the spoils of conquest;

defy us and be
ground into dust!

Four score and
twenty years ago,

our ancestors sought their
independence from the likes of

you!

And you!

You shall become our
first water-bearer,

you weak-kneed
high-hatted one!

You would strike an unarmed
man with a beard and a

thyroid condition?

What kind of self-respecting,
ruthless conqueror are you?

Beware of false leaders
who promise the world but

deliver servitude!

This is getting outta hand.

I wish we could just throw
a bucket of water on them.

Maybe we can!

Come on!

Rain spell! Go!

Clouds above
like a water main,

bring on down
the pouring rain!

Do you think we overdid it?

Hey, Sabrina! Cassandra!

Come on, the sword
fighting contest is starting!

Harvey -- so glad to see you!

Can I borrow your camcorder?

Thanks!

And now for the finals of
the swordship competition.

Attila the Hun has defeated
King Arthur in thirty seconds

flat.

Now he must go up
against Genghis Kahn,

who made short work of
all three Musketeers.

Remember, sword
fighting is a sport,

and honest Abe doesn't
tolerate any funny business.

So let's keep this war civil.

Follow the rules or you
will be disqualified.

And now, Let's get
ready to sword fight!!

After I show these
commoners who is boss,

I will have no
trouble raising an army.

Unlike you, short stuff.

Keep babbling, mongol mouth
-- I'm letting my sword do the

talking.

Okay boys, smile
while you can.

'Cause your visa
is about to expire.

What is that accursed
contraption she points at us?

Some nefarious
weapon of witchery?

Not exactly.

Behold my mystical
magical soul stealer!

I warned you, Attila!

Soul stealer, my goatskin.

You're bluffing, inferior one.

Oh?

Take a look.

What is that accursed
contraption she points at us?

What magic is this?

It's true!

The witch has
stolen our souls!

That's right, and if you don't
go back to your own time right

now, your souls will be
imprisoned with all the other

souls of the doomed--forever!

Please send me back!

Me first!

I beg you!

No problem!

By the power of
magic and mystery,

send them back,
these guys are history!

What a fine demonstration of
eighteenth century witchcraft!

Let's have a big round of
applause for our actors!

I'll see you both backstage.

Well?

Mr. Lincoln, I
cannot tell a lie.

It was all Sabrina's fault.

Somehow, I doubt that.

No, she's right.

If I hadn't put off
doing my Attila report,

then conjured him from
the past to help me,

none of this
would have happened.

And now my history
report's going to be late!

Mine too.

But we had to save
Greendale from the barbarians!

Can you give us a
little extra time,

Mr. Snipe, please?

I'm afraid saving Greendale
is not a good enough reason to

save your grades.

After all, you
brought it on yourselves!

Next time, don't put
everything off until the last

moment.

Yes, Mr. Snipe.

Hey!

I won't say I told you so,
I won't say I told you so,

I won't say I told you so!

Grrrr!

How would you like to have
Plymouth Rock land on you?

Whoooooaaaaa!