Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996–2003): Season 7, Episode 9 - It's a Hot, Hot, Hot, Hot Christmas - full transcript

Jeez, louise.
It is miserable out there.

Uh, yeah, but nothing takes
the chill out of your bones

like a big old out-of-control
office Christmas party.

Welcome, merry revelers.

Okay. Well, uh, I guess the
Hanukkah party was the one to be at.

But this could be fun too.

Where is everyone?

Well, folks at this magazine
aren't really into the office parties.

Olive?

Roxie, where are you going?

Sabrina, the Donner Party
was better than this, with better food.



Come on, we're here. You know,
we can still have a good time.

There's gingerbread,
there's Christmas music,

and we still have 48 minutes
on the meter.

Party hearty, ladies.

I'm heading off with Cole and James
to my timeshare condo

for a little Christmas carousing.

And, yes, we might get
a little Blitzened.

Let's face it,
the holidays are a letdown.

Always have been.

Not for me.

Christmas as a kid
was so much fun.

Skating on the pond.

Sipping mulled cider by the fire.

Watching dad passed out
on the couch.



- Too much eggnog?
- No, Mom decked him.

Well, Miss Humbug,

this year, the only decking
that's gonna happen is the halls.

You know,

Fa-la-la-la-la la-la-la...

Or, um:

Stop.

Boy, all this talk of Christmas carols
and eggnog, dysfunctional parents,

it really makes me miss my family.

Well, you know, this Christmas
we can be our own family.

We'll go home and decorate the tree
and hang our stockings,

and we should probably do
the Thanksgiving dishes.

Well, looks like my posse
just bailed on me.

Say, do you Buffalo gals
wanna come out tonight?

Uh, I'm sorry,
are you inviting us to a saloon?

No, I've got this condo for the holidays,
and Cole and James just bailed on me.

I don't suppose you ladies would be
interested in a little winter getaway?

- Condo's got a hot tub.
- That could be fun.

Excuse me, Sabrina,
the last thing that we wanna do

is go freeze our butts off
on some mountain.

Mountain? No, no, the condo is
in Miami.

- Miami?
- Florida?

America?

Eighty degrees and sunny.

Going to Miami

Going to Miami

Going to Miami
Going to Miami

We are in Miami

We are in Miami
We are in Miami

Hey, ladies, I think
you got the Miami song down.

Whoa, Leonard,
this place is incredible.

Yeah, awesome.

Thank you so much for inviting us.
It's so sweet of you.

There are, uh, locks
on the bedroom doors, right?

All right, you got the, uh, stereo.
You got the TV, DVD, VCR.

Oh, and here's the, uh,
video collection.

Be kind, rewind.

Look, Roxie, nothing puts you
in a Christmassy mood

like It's a Wonderful Life.

Right, but this is
"Es Una Vida Esplendida. "

Oh.

But it's still "con Jimmy Stewart. "

Okay, because this is a timeshare,
there's a few house rules.

Uh, log all your phone calls,
don't touch the thermostat,

no fluids on the furniture,
and, uh, keep out of the kitchen.

Other than that, let your hair down,
enjoy yourself.

Whoa, there's no pets here.

Well, you could have told me
when you picked us up.

What did you think I had
in the air-holed carrier?

Oh, I thought
it was some feminine thing.

And you needed to vent it.

Sabrina, these resort condos
always have kennels for pets.

Fine, I'll put him in a kennel.

Salem, don't give me that look.

You're the one
that talked me into bringing you.

Oh, I read this book,
The Cat Whisperer.

Well, I am going to change
and then go lounge by the pool.

Which outfit would make you
flirt with me more?

Well, the red one
gets my blood going.

Ah, green it is.

Great, this whole place
looks like Santa's village.

Roxie, it's Christmastime,
in Boston, in Florida, everywhere.

Well, except in parts of the Middle East
where ironically it all started.

I'll just stay here and read.

No, come on. Come down
to the pool and enjoy yourself.

All right, but just
because it's too stuffy up here.

Your warm? Hey, no problemo.

Check out
this state-of-the-art ceiling fan.

You got updraft, downdraft,
cross-breeze...

Oh, no. Oh, no.

Joy to the world

The Lord is come

Let earth receive her king

If I didn't know better, I'd say you were
getting into the Christmas spirit.

Maybe.

You can't tell me that baritone
in the board shorts

isn't bringing some joy to your world.

Guys, there's going to be
a beauty contest.

I may be the next
Miss Wet-Christmas.

Wet-Christmas?

I don't who should be more offended,
women or Irving Berlin.

Huh.

I thought once they tore down
that wall,

there was no more Irving Berlin.

You know, Morgan, I think I'm getting
Roxie into the Christmas spirit.

Ooh! Speaking of which,
I forget to get her a present.

Let's see what they have over here.

Huh! Wow.

Looks like Santa's
been summering at the gym.

Hmm. Let's go see
if he's naughty or nice.

Hi, I'm Morgan.

Hello, Morgan.
What do you want for Christmas?

Let's see,
a BMW 5 Series would be nice.

Maybe some six-karat earrings...

Gee, thanks.

- I don't remember asking for the flu.
- Oh, I'm sorry.

Is that real fur?

I think Santa's allergic
to your clothes.

Oh. Well, that's too bad.

I'll go change.

- Aren't you next?
- Uh, yeah, but, you know, I...

Now that I'm up here,
I feel kind of silly.

Hey, hey! Back off, sister.

Have you been a good girl?

Well, I gave some money to charity.
I, uh, volunteered at a shelter.

Okay, in April, I looked at the answers
before I did a crossword puzzle

and then I acted all smart.

Why don't you
take a break, sweetie?

Maybe some guys wanna sit
on Mrs. Claus' lap.

Sabrina, do you have any?

Oh, my God.

- Mom.
- Mom?

Aw, sweetheart,
it's so good to see you.

Why didn't you tell me
you were out of prison?

I'm guessing Hallmark
doesn't make a card for that occasion.

Uh, listen, I wanted to get back
on my feet before I saw you, so...

Zack and I took this job playing Santa
at all the resorts.

Oh, meet Zack, my boyfriend.

Nice to meet you.

I'm crazy about your mom.
She stole my heart.

And then she pawned it, right?

Whoa. Oh, two Santa's in one family?
I mean, what are the odds?

Roxie, you have every right
to feel the way you do about me.

But I've changed, I really have.

Right, and the check's in the mail
and the dog ate my homework

and apple-cinnamon candles
make a great gift.

Roxie?
- That didn't go the way I hoped.

Well, she's just kind of shocked
to see you.

At least now you know not to get her
an apple-cinnamon candle.

No, I can't blame her.

I was really a pretty lousy mother.

Don't worry, I'll talk to her.

You know, by this time tomorrow
you guys will be swapping outfits.

Well, maybe not that outfit.

Be a good kitty and keep quiet.

We don't cotton to troublemakers
around here.

- Hi.
- Oh.

Hey, look who
dropped by unexpectedly.

It's Candy,
who paid her debt to society

and is trying to win back
the affection of her daughter

- during this most forgiving of seasons.
- Sabrina.

Well, hello there.
Welcome to my crib.

Oh, thank you. It's very nice.

Well, make yourself comfortable,
but don't touch anything.

I'm losing the sun on the balcony.
I'm going back down to the pool.

Oh, hi.

- Are the Rockettes playing here?
- No, no, this is Candy, Roxie's mom.

Oh, it's so nice to meet you.

Listen, I'm a designer

and I'd be glad to put together
a new look for you.

You know, now that you're out
of "the big house. "

We'll stay away
from stripes and jump suits.

You must be Morgan.

And I must be going.

The sun waits for no man.

You know what,
I think I'm gonna go down to the pool.

Oh, come on, Roxie.
Stay and talk to your mom.

Sorry, it's just not the same without
two phones and a Plexiglas window.

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas...

Hey, how about that?
Room service delivers holiday cheer.

I get the feeling
she's trying to avoid me.

Funny, I didn't know
you had feelings.

- merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

Come on, Roxie, it's Christmas.

This is the perfect time
to work things out.

Sabrina, why is this
so important to you?

You wanna know why?

Because your mom's family
and at least she's here.

Some of us don't have that, Roxie.

I have great Christmas memories
of my mom,

but, unfortunately,
I can't be with her right now.

Don't you get it? Mom's the reason
I'm trying to block out the holiday.

Wait, sweetheart, please,
come here and sit down.

Come on.

Is this about the used gifts again?

It wasn't just the gifts.

Do you realize we never even had
a real Christmas?

Other families went ice skating
or sipped mulled cider.

Ooh! We don't have mulled cider,

but the last tenants left
a bottle of grape juice that's going bad.

Sweetheart, what did you expect?

Your dad up and left me.

I was scrimping
just to make ends meet.

Mom, look up scrimping.
It doesn't involve high-speed chases.

Goodbye.

- and a happy New Year

Good tidings...

You know, that song has 11 verses.

So you might as well stay
and work things out.

It's never too late to start to make
good Christmas memories.

- Leonard, let's go down to the pool.
- No, I still gotta work on the fan.

Ah, the gift shop is selling
Miami Vice action figures.

- Hmm, I did break my Crockett.
- Okay.

All right, well, you know,
you guys just give it a try.

Go back to the beginning
and try to hash it out.

But just don't go back too far.
This is a timeshare.

Hey, what happened to the...

- your kin

Good tidings for Christmas
And a happy New Year

And now
our costume competition continues

with Contestant Number 8,
Morgan Cavanaugh.

Cute getup, babe,
but what's the Christmas theme?

I'm Vixen.

I'm looking for a nice gift
for my friend.

You know, something earthy, organic,
but definitely not apple cinnamon.

- Hey, Sabrina.
- Oh, hey, Roxie.

I'm just looking for a gift for myself.

Uh, you know,
because I'm worth it, darn it. Ha, ha.

- How did things go with your mom?
- We talked things out.

Actually, we yelled things out,
but it ended really well.

And for once
when she hugged me goodbye,

it wasn't to use me
as a human shield.

Hey, a human shield
is just a hug facing out.

Well, I better hit the hay.

I need my beauty sleep
for the finals tomorrow.

Yeah, I need a shower,
rinse off some of this chlorine.

You guys go on. I'm gonna pick out
a present for my mom.

Hey, thanks for helping us
patch things up.

I thought it was impossible,
but you made it happen.

You know, that's what
the Christmas spirit is all about.

It's about helping people,
not presents.

But in case you're looking,
I'm a Size 2.

You brokered a reunion
between Roxie and her mother?

- I am impressed.
- Yeah.

They should send you to work out
that whole Midwest crisis.

It's useless, Morgan. The Dakotas
will never get back together.

This poster has never been put
to better use.

Don't worry, fellas,
I'll contact Bob Barker.

He'll get you out of here.

Time to mellow out.

I'll put on some
Luther Vandross and...

Oh, my God.

Everything is gone.

What happened?

I think maybe Roxie's mom
stole Christmas.

You know,
I must have misjudged Candy.

She seemed like she wanted
to turn over a new leaf.

Instead she turned over
the whole condo.

Well, don't just stand there, Leonard.
Start videotaping what was stolen.

You know, Sabrina,
this is all your fault.

No smoking, no pets, no felons.

We should call the police.

Wait, wait, wait.
Roxie's gonna be devastated.

Maybe I can get our stuff back
before Roxie finds out.

I think she'll catch on when she has
to brush her teeth with her finger.

I've gotta go talk to Candy.

- Hey, guys, what's new?
- Not a thing.

The food at the midnight buffet.

But it's only, like, 11.

Then we can be there
when the countdown starts

for the giant cheese ball to drop.

Sabrina, the food
hasn't even been put out yet.

Or someone got their money's worth
out of the all-you-can-eat buffet.

Ooh. Okay, you go distract Roxie.

Okay. How?

Haven't you ever
distracted anyone before?

Well, yeah, but I don't think
she's gonna fall for

the "Oops, my strap broke" trick.

Eh, it's worth a shot.

Now, Leonard...

All I want to know is where were you
between the hours of?

I don't know
because you stole my watch too.

This is ridiculous.

Your boyfriend here is accusing me
of ripping off your condo.

Well, we'll get back to the disturbing
boyfriend comment in a minute,

but our condo was robbed.

You're calling me a thief?

How about, um,
merchandise relocation engineer?

Come on,
when you were up there earlier,

I saw you eyeing my humidifier.

It was a graduation present
and I want it back.

- Hey, what's going on?
- Oh, nothing.

I'm just having a nightcap
and being falsely accused.

Your friends think that your mom
ripped off your condo.

Wait, now you're putting words
in my mouth.

By coincidence, they're the very words
I was gonna use.

Roxie, I swear, I didn't steal anything.
I don't do that anymore.

Well, Mom, it's just like old times.
Thanks for disappointing me again.

I hope you're satisfied.

Yeah, nice going.

What is this,
walk-away-from-Sabrina night?

I'm just curious, why would
that boyfriend comment be disturbing?

Not the right time, gotcha.

Leonard, maybe I was wrong.
I was just trying to help,

but now Roxie hates Candy.
Candy hates me.

Yep, I've managed to destroy
Christmas for just about everybody.

Oh, bring us a figgy pudding

Oh, bring us a figgy...

For crying out loud,
learn another song!

Salem, what are you doing here?

I busted out of that kennel.

- They treated us like animals.
- I'm sorry I had to put you in there.

If it's any consolation, things aren't
good on the outside, either.

We were robbed.

Robbed? Who did it?

I don't know, but it would be cool if it
was Roxie's mom since I accused her.

I'll help you solve the crime
if you let me stay here.

Fine, but you have to hide
when Leonard's around.

- Cat dander gives him a body rash.
- Deal.

So, Detective Spellman,
maybe we should use

what psychic investigators
call "retrocognition. "

Or we could use what witches call
"going back in time to see who did it. "

Okay, let's see what was going on here
a few hours ago.

Ooh, it's a good thing
I learned how to drive stick.

I think you went back a little too far.

Relax, Salem, they're herbivores.

Well, then throw them someone
named Herb and let's get out of here.

Okay, now we're closer.

Uh, should I hide?

Okay. Let's get out of here
before he pulls a full Leonard.

Is he gone?

All clear, and we're here.

I think we have our culprit.

It's Oscar De La Hoya.

It's Zack.

And he's taking Leonard's TV.

He's stealing the VCR and the DVD?

The stereo with the MP3.

Why, that rotten old Zack
even stole the tp.

Keep that up and you're gonna be
The Cat in the Hat Went Splat.

Cheer up, you got your criminal.
Mystery solved.

It's not that simple.

I can't exactly tell Roxie
how I know Zack did it.

I have to show her proof.

Yeah, good luck.

Tell me what you think of this plan.
I just came up with it.

Well, actually, I saw it
on an old episode of Columbo.

As soon as the judges
tally up their results,

we'll have our new
Miss Wet-Christmas.

- How did I do?
- I have to hand it to you.

I never thought gargling was a talent,
but you really pulled it off.

It's a gift.

I tell you what, why don't I videotape
you when they announce the winner?

Oh, darn, I left
the video camera upstairs.

Sabrina, we have one thing that isn't
stolen and you leave it in the room?

Tell you what, you know what,
if you win,

I'll go get the video camera.
We'll reenact your victory.

Okay, but I get final approval
on who plays me.

Hey, Candy, where's Zack?

Why? You got something
you wanna blame him for?

Just come with me. Roxie, you too.

- What's going on?
- You'll see.

Hey, Leonard, you wanna help me
nab the perp?

I'll come with you,
but I'm not gonna be part of

your whole crime-fighting
SWAT-team shtick.

Freeze, scuzzball.

So, what's the big revelation?

I don't get it. I thought for sure
he'd come to steal the video camera.

- Who, Zack?
- Zack?

Are you kidding me?

Zack is one of the most decent men
I've ever met.

- Oh, stupid cat.
- Ah, here's your proof.

I don't believe this.
This is an invasion.

I feel totally violated.

How could you bring that cat
back in here?

Uh, Leonard, bigger issues?

You actually let them think
that I did it?

You can't treat my mom like this.
She's way too good for you.

Oh, come on.
She's just bitter that I beat her to it.

Wrong, loser.
She's through with that life.

Yeah, and I'm through with you.

Look at this,
the two of you side-by-side

intimidating some creep
who stole all our stuff.

This is what Christmas is all about.

All right, all right,
I'll give you back your stuff.

We won't go until we get some

We won't go until we get some
We won't...

I'm guessing they won't go
until they get some,

so, uh, anybody got some?

You know, nothing says
Christmas Eve

like warming my toes
in front of a picture of a fire.

I propose a toast.

To Sabrina,
who restored my good name.

To Sabrina.

And to a condo
filled with attractive babes.

I'm not helping myself, am I?

Oh, and to our new
Miss Wet-Christmas.

Sorry we didn't videotape you
being crowned.

Oh, that's okay.
I wasn't actually crowned.

Is this more like the kind of Christmas
you were thinking about, sweetheart?

Yeah, kind of.

But being in Florida,
it doesn't really feel like Christmas.

Hey, look, it's snowing.

- What?
- Snowing?

- No way.
Are you kidding?

Oh, my God, it is snowing.

You know how you've always wanted
to go ice skating with your mom?

Look, the pool's frozen.

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas

We wish you a merry Christmas
And a happy New Year

Good tidings we bring
To you and your kin

Now, that is the very picture
of Christmas.

Watching them makes we wanna do
something Christmassy.

You know, we haven't tried
the hot tub yet.

Tell you what, Leonard,
when that freezes over, count me in.

Good tidings on Christmas

And a happy New Year

You know, Roxie, I still feel bad
I never had time to buy you a present.

You gave me the best present ever:

The chance to go ice skating
with my mom.

Oh, actually,
that was from both of us.

Oh, guys, I almost forgot.
Leonard sent us a card.

I get dibs on any cash.

Oh, it's a bill.

"Crumbs on the carpet, $12.

Failure to rewind yule log, $9.

Rubbing lotion on Morgan,
priceless. "

And a happy New Year