Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996–2003): Season 7, Episode 8 - Bada-Ping! - full transcript

You know what we need?

All-purpose cleaner
that doesn't burn a hole in the ozone.

Oh, they should just sew
that thing up already.

Okay, but it will take a lot longer
to get tan.

Look, with our hectic schedules,
we really need a maid.

Morgan, we are three,
healthy, strong young women.

We are perfectly capable
of cleaning up after ourselves.

Oh, really?

Then, why did you go out
and buy that dress?

I, well, I, uh...

I ran out of clean clothes.
All right, we need a maid.



You know, I'll chip in for one,

but all I can focus on now
is my Joey Skye interview.

Who is this Joey Skye?

He's this great singer
I discovered at the Lush Room.

I'm heading down there now,
you wanna come?

- Uh, no thanks.
Me neither.

I thought you worked
at a hip magazine.

Why are you interviewing
some old crooner?

Joey Skye is 23 and gorgeous.

I'll take a quick shower,
then I'll be right down.

Well, I did shave my legs.
It's a shame to let them go to waste.

Oh, pizza does not look good wet.

- Amanda, is that you?
- Yeah.

I've been so bored, I thought
I would hang out with someone cool.



Oh, well, I'm kind of busy right now.

Actually, I was talking about Salem.

Hey, little buddy.

This place is smokier

than the bathroom
in an all-girls school.

Yeah, what's
with the flashy entrance?

I mean, you may think coming
in here in smoke looks cool,

but it's a disgusting habit.

Ugh, yeah, well remind me to start
listening again when the PSA is over.

You're right, I'm not your mother.
I shouldn't tell you what to do.

Oh, but put your hair back.
Why hide such a beautiful face?

Sabrina, are you okay?

We smell smoke.

Uh, I burned some toast.

All right, I gotta to work.
Help yourself to some leftovers.

And, uh, the soup of the day
is cream of pizza.

I can't believe you didn't tell us
Avril Lavigne was gonna be here.

I didn't know,
she stopped to hear Joey's set.

Hey.
- Hi.

Hi, so am I gonna have to guess?
Which one of you is Sabrina?

I am.

I'm Sabrina, and these are my friends,
Single and Desperate.

Have a seat.

- Actually, this is Roxie and Morgan.
- Nice to meet you.

So, uh, what do you wanna know?

That was Avril.

She's headed for the bathroom.

I'm gonna ask her to sign
my napkin.

Oh, Roxie, please go with her and
keep her from crawling under the stall.

Right, we don't need a repeat
of the Aretha Franklin incident.

So, uh,
what do you wanna talk about?

Okay, uh, well, when did you
first start performing?

First time, uh, let's see.

I sang, "Twinkle, Twinkle, Little Star"

at my godmother's birthday,
I was 3.

That's so cute and a better choice
than "Itsy Bitsy Spider. "

I mean between the bugs
and the rain.

No wonder kids stay inside
and get fat.

So, uh, what's your favorite kind
of music to sing?

I would have to say ballads.

Songs that express that one emotion
that's more powerful than anything.

- Anger.
- Love.

- Love.
- Yeah.

Oh, you know, I guess it's been a while,
and I'm angry about it.

So, uh,
where will be you singing next?

- Here.
- No, I mean after tonight?

- Here.
- But what about any upcoming gigs?

Joey, you're next.

Uh, Sabrina, this is Mickey Brentwood,
the owner of the club.

Oh, very nice to meet you.

- Joey tells me you're a reporter.
- Yes, I am.

I don't like people who ask a lot
of questions like that Alex Trebecka.

It's Alex Trebek,
and technically he asks answers.

I don't like people
who correct me, either.

This conversation is over.

Joey, let's go.

Break a leg.

Annie, do you remember Joey Skye,

the new singer
I've been wanting to write about?

Well, since you told me yesterday,
and I'm not an idiot, yes.

Last night, when I asked about singing
at other clubs, he got weird.

Then the owner of the club
had a stare down with me.

- I'm a blinker, so I lost.
- The point?

I think there might be something
going on there.

I mean, he's a great singer,
and he sells the club out.

But, I think it's weird
that he doesn't sing anywhere else.

All right, check it out but be careful.

Nightclub owners can get rough,
so you wanna take someone with you.

Annie, are you saying you and I
should hang out together?

Not if we were conjoined
at the sternum.

So you're busy.
Maybe some other time.

Sabrina, I couldn't help but hear,
because I was eavesdropping.

But just so you know,
I am an Eagle Scout.

And I am more than willing
to be your bodyguard.

- Well, Leonard...
- Hey, check out these guns.

Come on, touch them.

Oh, I would, but I think there's
a seven-day waiting period.

Thanks for the offer.

Fine, but, uh, just so you know,

I spent three months as part
of a very tough street gang.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I was understudy for Riff
in West Side Story.

Pow!

Let's talk about the laundry.
We use the biodegradable detergent.

It doesn't get rid of stains,
but I feel better about it.

Morning, Roxie. Well, who is this?

This is our new cleaning lady, Tatiana.
She's Ukrainian.

Tatiana, what a pretty name,
for someone so...

...squat.

How do you do?

Dust, then laundry.

Oh, cute.

I hired someone too.
I found her name on a flyer.

In fact, that's probably her
right now but...

Don't you worry, I will tell Kim
that the job is already taken.

Mi mess es su mess.

Hi, I'm Kim of Kim's Cleaning.

Tatiana, you're fired.

In the future,
please don't call me at the club.

- Why not?
- Because.

- Because why?
- Because.

Okay, can we throw in
some verbs and nouns.

So, um, tell me about your relationship
with Mickey Brentwood.

It's fine.
What else do you wanna know?

Well, what if you sang somewhere
other than the Lush Room?

- Next question.
- Are you forced to sing exclusively?

- Would you pass the salt, please?
- Pass the...

Oh, is that code?

Yeah, it's code for
I need salt on my fries.

Okay, how about this?

If you're being forced to sing
at the Lush Room, nod your head.

Is that nodding or eating?

Oh, my gosh,
are you being forced to eat too?

Okay, how about we try
something else. Uh...

If you were ketchup

and you wanted to leave mustard
to go across town to salt and pepper...

Not the little sassy hip-hop duo,
these little guys,

what would happen?

- Oh.
- Now you get it?

Yeah, I feel so bad for you.

I mean, not to mention the busboy.

I can't believe you're being threatened.
That's so unfair.

You should be free
to sing wherever you want.

Joey, you have to let me
write this up.

Okay.

Okay, but you have to promise me,
you didn't hear this from me.

My lips are sealed.

First, I'm gonna finish these fries,
but then my lips are so sealed.

If you print that story,
you'll never work again.

You know what I'm saying,
blonde person?

Yeah, you're saying
you had onions for lunch.

Why is it so hot in here?

Morgan, you have it set on 95.

I really didn't notice.

Ah, Kim, Kim.

Don't forget to dust
the top of the drapes.

- No problem.
I can't believe you.

What? I am watching
a professional at work.

And believe me,

your Soviet shot-putter
couldn't have reached up there.

All I'm saying is...

Whoa,
he got the gunk out of the remote.

We can watch in English again.

So it turns out Mickey Brentwood

is forcing Joey to only sing
at the Lush Room.

And Mickey is the guy
who threatened you?

Are you sure you wanna go ahead
with this story.

Absolutely, it's an incredible scoop.

Oh, I don't like this.

You've been threatened
by a nightclub owner.

Don't you watch HBO?

What are you saying?
I'm gonna be sleeping with the fishes?

Wearing a cement overcoat?

Have a boulder dropped on me
from an overpass?

- Wait, that's from The Road Runner.
- Okay, fine.

But if Wile E. Coyote
tries to flatten you with an Acme anvil,

don't come running to me.

Hey, wanna join me

for an emergency trip to Paris
for silver hooped earrings?

Uh, no, thanks, it already feels
like a French bistro in here.

Besides, I'm working on an article.

- Ugh. Snooze.
Actually, not for a change.

You see, this thug nightclub owner
threatened our Lois Lame over here...

No.

I hate it when you cut me off.

It's a bad time, you go ahead.

It's always a bad time for you.
Au revoir.

Please don't do the...

- Smoke. Ugh.

That kid should come
with a warning label, gross.

Speaking of gross,
headless cat at 4 o'clock.

Sorry, but I don't want Amanda
knowing anything

about this situation
with Mickey Brentwood.

Ah, so you are worried?

I have nothing to worry about.

If you don't believe, we'll take
a trip to the future, I'll prove it.

Cool, road trip.

- Where are we?
- I don't know.

But apparently in the future,
you have a bad den.

Uh-oh.
I think someone we know dies.

Oh. Whoa.

When he said,
"You'll never work again,"

he meant not even part-time.

Let me get this straight.

You were excited
about the article this morning,

now you don't wanna write it.

It's not that I don't wanna write it.
It's just that, uh...

This is kind of
a left-brain type article.

I happened to sleep on my left side
last night, so that side is numb.

Now the right side is feeling
bitter and neglected...

Can't you just call in sick
like normal people?

Well, that would be
a left-brain function so...

Stop. I'll assign it to someone.

Great.

No, not great, very bad.

Look, I can't put this off
on someone else, I'll write the article.

Fine, but you and all your little voices
better get to work.

This issue is going to press tomorrow,
so you are on hard deadline, missy.

I'll line up a photo shoot.

Two words I did not need to hear:

Dead and shoot.

I'm not too crazy
about missy, either.

Hey, Leonard, I think I'll take you up
on that bodyguard offer.

Oh, terrific.
You can call me anytime you want.

I really appreciate it.

You know, just not mornings
between 8 and 9:15, I hit the gym.

And mid-day is bad,
I usually have a lunch.

- And not nights after 10.
- Why not?

- Well, I'm bathing Nana.
- Please tell me Nana's your dog.

It's 6:30, what's he still doing here?

The sink needed plunging.

I guess there's a clog in the drain.

This was stuck in there.

Oh, I was wrong, it wasn't a clog.
It was a pump.

Listen, Morgan, before I go, you know
how you were staring at me all day?

Mm-hm.
- Oh, no, here we go.

Sexual harassment works both ways,
you know.

I was wondering, would you be
interested in going out with me?

I have to work tomorrow,
but maybe we can do lunch?

- Sounds fantastic.
- Great.

Ah. Sexual harassment.

Like a fox.

Are you crazy?

You found out
you're gonna get bumped off,

and you're still writing this article?

Look, I'll worry about my article,
you worry about coyotes.

Will you stop with the smoke?

And don't you have
an alchemy final tomorrow?

Whoa, who died
and made you my boss?

Funny you should mention dying.

- Salem.
- What?

Okay, something weird is going on.

I think you should tell her.

You know, so someone could call
the police besides the cat.

All right, it's possible
that there's some connection

between writing this story
and my untimely youthful death.

Oh, I love those earrings.
Are they from Paris?

Wait a minute, you're going to die?

Hey, Sabrina, if you bite the dust,
can I have your red silk robe?

It makes me feel like a pretty kitty.

You can't write that article, Sabrina.

Oh, I'll be fine.
It's nothing to worry about.

But you'll be dead and buried,
a corpse, worm food.

Okay, when you put it like that,
it is a downer.

Look, if you're hell-bent
on writing this piece,

at least protect yourself.

Change the names.

No, I can't do that.

I'm gonna tell the truth
because I'm a journalist.

And a real journalist
uses real names.

- You changed the names.
- I had to, to protect my sources.

So our sources will be safe,
but our readers will be bored.

Oh, well, we don't want to distract
from the ads, do we?

Well, I'll print it,
but only because I gotta fill the space.

But I am not happy.

You don't understand.
I had to change the names.

I think.

By using pseudonyms instead
Will I end up alive or dead

Well, at least,
my coffin is microwave safe.

So he plans on killing me anyway?

Well, he doesn't know
who he's dealing with.

Annie, print the article
with the real names.

- Are you sure?
- Yes, do it before I change my mind.

Don't do it. Yes, do it, go.

Start the presses.

Flower delivery, my lady.

It looks like you have a secret admirer,
besides me.

Oops. Now, it's not a secret.

Black roses?

"I hope you like this arrangement,
don't forget ours. Mickey. "

Are you in some kind of trouble?

Uh, Leonard, I never thought
I would say this but, um...

Do you wanna come home
with me tonight? Ha, ha.

Tonight? Ahem.

Uh. Oh, I can't, it's, uh...

Whew. Uh, spinning class.
You know, I'll be too dizzy.

Okay, well, any other secret admirers
want to come home with me tonight?

Uh, any professional wrestlers?

Thai kickboxers?

Anyone with super-hero pajamas?

"... and so,
due to this immoral contract,

the only place that uber-talented
Joey Skye will see his star rise

is over the Lush Room. "

I hope you know what you're doing.

I do, except for that "uber" thing.

Wow, speaking of uber thing,
who is that?

That's our new maid.

Morgan's dating the help?

Oh, now it makes sense.

Well, thanks for lunch.
See you around.

Oh, all right. Oh, wait.

You have some dirt
under your right nail, hold on.

Oh, thanks again, bye-bye.

Oh, but you have some schmutz
on your face, I'll get it.

You know, while I'm here,
I would love to work on these pores.

Oh, that is it, get out.

- Can't we make a plan for next time?
- No, we can't.

You are too obsessed
with your work.

You're the only guy who has asked me
to take off my clothes

so he could iron them.

Goodbye.

Roxie, get me the name
of that squat uranium lady.

I was so worried about you, Sabrina.

I don't want you to die.

Don't worry, nobody's dying.

Some of us are choking.

I'm really worried about you.

Look, I can keep Mickey Brentwood
from knocking me off.

I'll just lay low and stay out
of dangerous situations.

I'll be fine, really.

You wanna sleep over?

That's it, I'm getting dressed
and going down there.

I'm not gonna let
that thug intimidate me.

What's going on?

Amanda, it's time to face my fears.

I'm going to the Lush Room
for a sit-down with the enemy.

Ha. Not without me.
Hang on, I'll get dressed.

Well, make it fast,
because I wanna get right down there

and tell that ignorant swaggering goon
that he better back off.

But, I'll tell Mickey Brentwood
that he's absolutely charming.

Sabrina, you've done me
a great dishonor by printing this.

Look, I'm really sorry, but I had to.
Joey Skye's a very talented singer.

I mean, the Lush Room is lovely
and the cider is to die for, so to speak,

but holding him back is so wrong.

You're trying to ruin me, aren't you?

You're gonna ruin me.

No, I'm not trying to ruin anybody.

I just think Joey should be
free to live his own life.

It's very tough out there.
They'll eat him alive.

Oh, like you care about that.

He's your cannoli ticket,
you big meatball.

- Meatball?
- Sorry, I'm hungry.

I'm just trying to protect him,
that's all.

Oh, what are you, his mother?

Uh, I mean, his father?

Oh, my gosh, you are his father.

Why doesn't he tell people
you're related?

Because I talk funny or something.
Maybe he's embarrassed.

Oh, don't cry,
or I'll be embarrassed of you too.

- Here.
- Oh, thank you very much.

What's the worst that can happen
if he sings at other clubs?

He'll desert me.

You know, he'll go to his fancy
schmancy auditoriums.

He'll get a record deal.
He'll go on that MTVPlugged Up.

- Those are good things.
- Okay, okay.

I'm afraid he'll forget about his papa.

Mickey, you can't let your fears
run your life.

I mean, sure,
Joey will probably go out on his own.

But he'll come back and visit
for weekends and national holidays.

You think? I hope so.

This was good, I feel much better.
Thank you very much.

And, uh,
now, what can I do for you?

Uh, please don't kill me?

What is that?

You think I would hurt someone
so beautiful?

I would hope not. Ha, ha.

Thanks for the tissues.

Hey, someday
you're gonna get married,

and I'm gonna give you
a very good rate on my big room, okay?

I'm a softie.

Hey, open the car door.
I'm coming out.

Why are you just standing around?

Nice guy, taught me a lot.

Okay, let's go down to that club
and witch-slap this guy.

Oh, we don't have to go.
He was just here.

What? What happened?
Are you okay?

I'm fine, it's all taken care of.
He won't be bothering me anymore.

Oh, I'm so relieved.

We should make it a point
to hang out more often,

not just when one of our lives
is at stake.

Yeah, I would like that.

Far be it from me
to break up this love fest,

but you still don't know
how you died.

I don't die anymore.
I changed my destiny.

Mickey likes me now.
I'm getting married in the big room.

Yeah, but what if Salem's right?

Look, relax, I'll ping us
into the future and show you.

All this time and I didn't
even know she was a smoker.

She wasn't.
Didn't you hear what the doctor said?

No.

Although I did notice,
he wasn't wearing a wedding ring.

Morgan, she died
of second-hand smoke.

But we don't smoke.

It must have been someone
from work.

Or from somewhere else.

I am so sorry.
No more smoke, I promise.

Good.

I hate to see you like this.

Hey, don't forget I'm half mortal,
but I'm also half witch.

So it could be centuries
before I actually die.

But when I do, promise not to bury me
with my bra strap showing?

It's very hot in here.
You mind if I take shirt off?

- No.
- No.

It's just not the same, is it?

- Nope.
- No.