Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996–2003): Season 7, Episode 20 - A Fish Tale - full transcript

I am so sorry.

My assistant will be spoken to
and dealt with.

Gloria, another screw-up like that
and you're out of here.

Oh, boy, here come the tears.
Gotta go.

Wow, I'm beginning to feel sorry
for your imaginary assistant.

Well, she's the one
not doing her imaginary job.

I accidentally sent my editor

the guest list to my wedding
instead of my article,

so now she's mad it's late
and that she wasn't invited.

Oh, poor Sabrina.

How about a pick-me-up?



How about a put-that-down?

Aaron and I promised each other

we'd open our wedding presents
together.

A steam iron and some fresh tape
and he'll be none the wiser.

I'd never do that.

I'd take it to the airport
and have it x-rayed.

Aaron and I have this weird thing
between us.

- Trust?
- Oh, I have one of those.

Mine's offshore.

I haven't paid taxes in years.

Salem, what are you doing?

Inventory.

By the way, about your china pattern,
Colonial floral?

Did you pick it out over the phone?



Oh, I had no idea
you were so interested in China.

Eh?

Oh, man.

It's gonna take me forever
to mark my territory.

"Roommate Wanted
for Immediate Opening. "

Immediate?

So until the wedding
I sleep in the garage?

Oh, thanks, I was afraid that was
gonna be a tough conversation.

We're not pushing you out,
but you are moving to L.A.

We gotta start making
some sort of plans.

We're gonna miss you so much.

- I'm gonna miss you too.
- Uh-huh.

Can this wait?
Those telephone poles fill up fast.

We won't be long.

You're actually
letting those two dizzy dames live here

after we catch the trolley
to Tinseltown?

Don't worry,
I've got an Other Realm contractor

coming to disconnect the portal,
and your vocal cords.

So there won't be any more
magical surprises popping in.

Like that.

What the...?

I don't think the Other Realm
knew about the wedding.

It's not who knows,
it's what they sent.

And whether it's in my size.

Okay, here goes.

You never know
with Other Realm gifts.

It could be a time machine,

the Eighth Wonder of the World
or corncob holders.

Oh.

I was gonna get you a box.

Yeah,
I think I know where this is going.

I just didn't think
it would take so long to get there.

Oh, just want I always wanted:

- An ice cube.
- An ice cube?

Aunt Irma.

Ooh, these clever entrances
are wreaking havoc on my spine.

Aunt Irma, what a lovely...
What a pleasant... What a surprise.

Well, it shouldn't be.

I believe
you have something to share?

Not really. Let's see.

I switched shampoos.
I got new tires.

- I'm getting married...
- That's the one.

Congratulations. Ha, ha.

Really? You're okay with this?
I mean, no death and destruction?

No plague of scorpions?

Not unless you registered for them.

Now, you know where I stand
on witches marrying mortals.

Usually on their necks.

But, if you insist,

I suppose this Harvey Kinkle
is the least offensive of the lot.

Harvey, Aunt Irma...

Welcome to the family.

- I'm not marrying Harvey.
- What?

I'm okay.

So who is this mystery groom?

Does he come
from a good witch family?

Good, bad, who are we to judge?

He's a witch, isn't he?
Because if he isn't:

Oh, man, and that was the only
wedding present I liked.

Well, I can tell you this,

his mother's a real witch
and his father's a bit of a gnome.

Splendid, I must meet this boy now.

No, Aaron hates being popped in.
I mean, he hates anything pop.

Pop music, popcorn,
he doesn't even like Mary Poppins.

Ha, ha. Who does? Chirpy little twit.

I look forward to meeting him
tonight at dinner.

- Tonight? Kind of late notice.
- Mm-hm.

Sabrina, without my blessing,
there will be no wedding.

Chicken or fish?

You do realize
she thinks Aaron's a witch?

Yeah, that's kind of
what I was going for.

You heard her.
You saw the shards of pottery.

- I had no choice.
- Ha.

Well, at least you don't have to worry
about what's for dinner:

Your butt in a sling.

Well, maybe I'll start with a salad.

Okay, what do you think?

Does this vinaigrette say,
"Please don't kill my fianc?"?

That's a lot of pressure
to put on a salad dressing.

Mm. But, heck, it is tangy.

Okay, all I have to do now
is convince Aunt Irma

to keep believing
that Aaron's a witch

and I'll have her blessing
before dessert.

As long as everything
goes according to plan.

Oh, not according to plan.

- What are you guys doing here?
- Roommate interviews.

We need the table.
It gives us the illusion of power.

Can you give the illusion
of doing it somewhere else?

- You can't stay here.
- Why?

Why? I'll tell you exactly why.

Oh, here's why.

Because people
who respond to flyers

on telephone poles
are total whack-jobs.

You want them knowing
where you live?

Well, they're going to have to know
if they're going to live here.

Right. Why don't we pre-screen them
at the diner?

Good idea. Who cares
if they know where the diner is?

- Even crazy people have to eat.
- I'm hungry.

- Go that way.
- Why can't we use the front door?

Why? I'll tell you exactly why. Later.

I'm coming. I'm coming.

Fresh-picked daisies. Thought they'd
help me get on your aunt's good side.

Yeah, well, she hasn't a good side.

Aunt Irma's a nut. No, correction.

She's a kook. Oh, check that.
She's insane.

Her condition seems to be
deteriorating as we speak.

Yeah, but don't mention that to her.
Uh...

Whatever she says, just embrace it.
Play along, but don't question her.

Ha, ha. Sabrina, calm down.
I'm sure I can handle your aunt.

- By the way, when does she get here?
- Now.

Whoa.

- Where did you come from?
- The Big Dipper.

Oh, I love it there.

It's an armpit.

Do you visit
the outer reaches often?

I feel like I am right now. Ha, ha.

Oh, Aaron loves to travel the galaxy,

although
he's surprisingly down to earth

and plays along really well.

Right, right.

I mean, just last week
I was backpacking on Mars.

Oh, my 16th husband died
in a backpacking accident on Mars.

- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Oh, don't be.

Fortunately for me,
they were never able to prove a thing.

Okay, well, who's hungry?

Oh, I'm famished.
What's for dinner?

Well, I thought I'd let you choose.
What would you like for dinner?

Oh, don't go to any trouble. I...

Oh, maybe prime rib, horseradish,
creamed spinach, baked potatoes

and hot rolls.

Easy.
And, Aaron, where shall we eat?

In here? Or in there?

Well, I think since it's a special night,
we should eat in there.

Oh, well done.
And I don't mean the meat.

Let's eat. Ha, ha.

Well, shall we?

Oh, what manners. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh. And such manly magic.

Manly?

Well,
I guess I could use a manicure.

I always pay my rent in advance,
and love to cook and clean.

Uh, oh, and my father, he owns
a chain of women's shoe stores.

Oh, I have met Mr. Right
and she is a woman.

When can you move in?

What she means is,
we'll be in touch.

Did I mention
my brother's a fireman?

Swell. You can go now.

I'll call you.

What is your problem?
She's perfect.

Let's just say she's no Sabrina.

Yeah, no Sabrina is why we're here.

If we don't find a roommate,
we are gonna be living on the street.

Oh, maybe we could time-share
a dumpster.

I'm sorry, but no one's ever
gonna compare to Sabrina.

So I have to move out
of the greatest house ever

unless we find someone
who's exactly like Sabrina?

I'm just not gonna settle.

Hey, I hear you guys
are looking for a roommate

and I'm looking for a room.

- So maybe...
- I'm sorry. I don't think so.

Well, your loss.

Gotta go.

Wait, wait, wait.
What did you just say?

I said I gotta go?

Please, they were practically
separated at birth.

So, Betty, huh?

Is that short for "Bettrina"?

Mm. Delicious.

The last decent prime rib I had
was for my 600th birthday.

Oh, Charlemagne
was such a scamp.

Oh, where does the time go?

Oh, you know time. It flies.

When you're off your meds.

I'm sorry.

I can't sit here and listen
to this any longer.

You actually expect me to believe
that you're over 1,000 years old?

Because you, Irma,
don't look a day over 500.

Oh, I like this boy. Ha-ha-ha.

Oh, he's a heart-stopper all right.

- So tell me, what do you fly?
- Fly?

Oh, Aarons a big flyer.
He flies all the time.

You know, kites, flags,
and occasionally off the handle.

And when I have the time,
my vintage Mustang.

Now, she really flies.

Do you wanna see her?
She's right outside.

Oh, lovely.

A classic.

I must say, Sabrina.
You have quite a catch here.

Oh, thank you, Irma.

And you have my blessing.

Woo-hoo! She fell for...

Aaron. Just like I did.

I'll get the pudding.

Well, Salem, you doubting tomcat,

I just got Irma's blessing
to marry my witch fianc?.

Now I can just relax and enjoy...

Oh, no, you guys can't be here.

And yet we are. Sabrina, Betty.

- Bettrina.
- Okay, the name is Betty.

Oh, my gosh.

Seeing the two of you
next to each other,

it's uncanny.

- We're giving her a house tour.
- Fine, great.

Start upstairs and show Betty
every square inch of everything.

You can't make a decision
about a place until you've slept there.

Don't come down
until you've had a good night's sleep.

Whoa, I am having a Mary-Kate
and Ashley moment.

Have you ever thought
about dying your hair blonde?

This better be some room.

Here.
Don't say I never gave you anything.

Looks like we'll have
to call it an early night.

The cat got into the...
Where's Aunt Irma?

Ahh! Did she violate
the immutable laws of physics

and do something
completely inexplicable?

If she did, I can explain.

Maybe you can explain
what he's doing here.

He? He who?

He Harvey.

Your aunt's fawning over him
in the living room.

What you talking about?
Aaron's not a witch.

No, wait, what he means is,

Aaron is not a witch
that you can take lightly.

I mean, he is all-powerful
in his witchy, witchy ways.

Witchy ways?

Yeah, what she said.

You lied to me.

Lied? No.

All I did was deliberately mislead you
at every possible turn.

But in my defense, you did say
that Aaron was quite a catch.

That's true. I did.

And now he's the catch of the day.

We always talked
about a house in the country,

but a little castle in pea gravel
wouldn't not be so bad.

Are you trying to kiss me?
Talk to me?

Or is none of this making sense
because you're a fish?

Aaron, I'm...

Irma, please, be reasonable.

Well, she should know better
than to try to make a fool out of me.

Sabrina, don't worry,
everything's gonna be okay.

Yeah, it will now.
You were standing on my air hose.

- Oops, my bad.
- Yeah. No kidding, your bad.

You're single-handedly destroying
my relationship.

Don't be angry with Harvey.

You have no one to blame
but yourself.

I'm sorry that my choices don't fit
with your view of the world,

but it doesn't give you
the right to do this.

Ha. Sabrina, the one with
the biggest magic makes the rules.

Look, you mean, vindictive crone,
you're not gonna get away with this.

Okay, I'm gonna do whatever it takes
to walk down the aisle with Aaron.

Or swim, as the case may be.

Did she just call me a crone?

Actually, it was vindictive crone.

I'm not helping, am I?

Oh, boy, a goldfish.

- Can I eat him?
- That's Aaron.

So is that a yes or a no?

Sabrina, I am so sorry.

I didn't do it on purpose, I swear.

Besides, you know I always thought
there was something fishy about him.

Sorry.

Well, you want to redeem yourself?
Here, you watch Aaron.

I'm gonna go try to make a man
out of him.

You know what I mean.

Wait. No, you can't go in there.

Oh, well, tour's over.
Thanks for stopping by.

No, no, not over.
That room's perfect for Bettrina.

Please stop calling me that.

Oh, four walls, closet, ceiling,
a window or two. Ha, ha.

But the real excitement is in the cellar.
Why don't you guys show her that?

Don't go in the living room.

Is that my sweater?

Yeah, doesn't it look great on her?

You guys are gonna need name tags
for me to tell you apart.

Is she part of the deal?

It's negotiable.

Spellman family alert. Stop.

Emergency. Stop.

Aunt Irma must be stopped. Stop.

Oh, I gotta stop stopping.

Sabrina, I swear, it wasn't my fault.

It's okay.
I'm sending out a distress call.

No, this new thing that's not my fault,
is also not my fault.

Say hello to Roxie and Morgan.

No.

They startled Aunt Irma.

She doesn't have much
of a safety on that ping finger.

I'll have to add this to the charges

that are presented
to the Witches' Council.

I'm arming myself
with every possible spell.

- Where's Aaron?
- Oh, it's okay.

- Betty's watching him.
- What?

You left a strange woman
and a hungry cat with my fish?

I mean fianc?.

Okay, there he is.

No, that's just a piece of pasta.

Oh, my gosh. What have you done?

Sorry, I thought goldie looked like
he could use a little more water and...

You flushed my fia...
I mean my fish down the drain?

Honey, calm down.

They're 25 cents
at any school carnival.

- Here, watch these.
- Oh, no, I hate cats.

I can't...

Get enough of these
furry little creatures.

Let's see if we can find a box
for you in the garage.

You and I are going fishing.

Hang on, Aaron. I'm coming.

Whoa! I have a whole new respect
for my plumber.

Yuck. That is so disgusting.

Even I wouldn't go down there.
Ha, ha.

Wow, this place is filthy.

I'm calling my city councilman.

I can't believe this.
Most marriages end up in the sewer.

Mine's starting out there.

The lighting
is surprisingly good down here,

which isn't too good.

Why is this so hard?

Sabrina, come on, we've got, like,
50 miles of sewer to cover.

We just started looking.

No, this, me and Aaron.

Why is it so hard?

It seems like the entire universe
is conspiring against us.

I wish everyone would leave us
alone and let us get married.

I'm sorry, I know I haven't made things
any easier.

Harvey, I didn't mean...

I know this has been hard
on you too.

But, ah! Goldfish. That's him.

Oh, it's just an orange sock.

What if I never find him?

Yeah, what if?

- I think I got something.
- Careful.

Give him some play
or he'll snap the line.

- What?
- What?

My dentist has a lot
of fishing magazines.

Okay, reel him in.

Right.
Get ready to hit him with a hammer.

There will be no
hammering of the fish.

Harvey, you found him.

Yeah. Yeah, I did.

Oh, thank you, thank you, thank you.
I don't know what I'd do without you.

I'm sure you'd do just fine.

Wait a minute.

If you've got Aaron,
then what have I got?

Oh, dear.

A long bath coming.

Okay, Aunt Irma,
we're gonna settle this once and for all.

Put down those three kittens.

Three?

Betty. It was inevitable.

Ah, the odds have shifted.

Advantage, cats.

Oh, I see you found
your fishy friend. Ha, ha.

And I'd heard the relationship
had gone down the drain.

Look, I'm gonna ask you
for the last time, and please...

Note the prominent use
of the word, "please. "

Please turn Aaron back into a man.

And I'm telling you for the last time,
I will not let you marry this mortal.

Fine, then you leave me no choice.

What are you doing?

Giving up my magic.

Sabrina, are you sure
you really want to do that?

If this is the only way that Aaron and I
can be married,

yes, it's what I wanna do.

Ha-ha-ha. So you think just because
you've made this sacrifice

I am going to be all boo-hoo
and your beloved will be a biped?

I can live without the boo-hoo,

but you can't object to two mortals
getting married.

Oh, well, guess what. I can and I do.

So you can give up your magic,
stomp your foot, slam your door,

but I am not turning him back.

You are the meanest aunt ever.

It's too late to kiss up to me.

We are not done.

If it takes me the rest of my life,
I am gonna marry this fish... Man.

Oh, I've got to quit doing that.

Irma, why are you doing this?

Hmm. I have my reasons.

Harvey,

how would you like
to be an all-powerful being?

Hey, I work out.

What would you say
if I offered you Sabrina's magic?

Thanks, I'm good.

Oh, come on now, Harvey.

Don't tell me there isn't something
or someone you desire?

Magic can make many things
happen.

Don't worry, I may not have my magic,
but I still know people.

I have to say, you're holding up well
under the circumstances,

and you're really a great swimmer.

Aaron.

- Ahem.
- Ooh.

What's going on?

Uh, well, you fainted.

And your eyes rolled back,
tongue came out. Not pretty.

So you put me in a bathtub
with all my clothes on?

You would have done
the same for me.

Here. Dry off.

I'll be back.

Aunt Irma, I don't know
what made you change your mind,

but thank you
for turning him back into a man.

Well, obviously
that boy loves you very much.

He really does,
and if you'll just give him a chance,

you'll see why I love Aaron too.

Aaron? I was talking about Harvey.

I gave him the powers
of the universe.

Well, your magic, actually.

Wait, so Harvey
changed Aaron back?

Why couldn't I do that?

You were trying to undue my spell.

He was trying to make you happy.

Turns out
his was a much more powerful motive.

Can't believe he did that for me.

Oh, so marry a mortal.

Don't expect to see me
at your wedding.

Oh, so this does
have a happy ending.

Bye, Aunt Irma.

Oh, wait,
what about our three furry friends?

Oh, fine.
I'll just write off the entire day.

Whoa.

What's going on?

What are we doing?

I don't know, but you two are freaks.

Guys, if Aaron comes
slogging down the stairs,

tell him I'll be right back.

I've got a big thank-you to deliver.

I can't believe that I thought
you were anything like Sabrina.

What are you,
some kind of a sorceress?

Ha, ha. Yeah.

Watch me disappear.

I am so sorry, Roxie.
You know, you were right.

We are never gonna find anyone
to replace Sabrina.

I told you.

And for some reason,

I feel like drowning my sorrows
in a bowl of cream.

I'm more in a raw tuna
kind of mood.

Harvey, it's me.

I just want to thank you.

Harvey?

Harvey?

May your life be filled with happiness

and with the magic
only you can create.

I'll always love you. Harvey.

Goodbye, Harvey.

- I can't believe Harvey's really gone.
- Neither can I.

Oh, it's just tragic.

He was a great guy.

I know, we were so close.

Tell me about it.

We could have had him moved
in here by the weekend.

It wouldn't have worked anyway.
He never would've worn the sweater.

Oh, good point.