Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996–2003): Season 7, Episode 16 - Getting to Nose You - full transcript

Aaron, I mean this
from the very bottom of my heart.

I love you.

Nice try.

I've gotten more emotion
out of my car's navigational system.

You know, I knew it was childish
to practice on my cat.

I should be doing this in the mirror.

And in fact, I'll do it one better.

Aaron, I've been wanting
to tell you this for a long time.

I love you.

Aw, that's great, Sabrina. Thanks.

Oh, no, no, no.
Not the dreaded thanks.



- Try again. I love you.
- Ditto.

No. No "ditto." No "right back at you."

No, "yeah, same to you,
but more of it."

- Just tell me you love me.
- I love you.

Oh, well, that's really sudden,
but, heh...

...I love you too.

What? I look hot today.

"Insert the gunta hooks
into the abba locks and rotate the..."

What does this word mean?

Oh, that's Swedish for
"We're up a fjord without a paddle."

So, what do you think?

Nice, but you're a little too put together
to be putting things together.

But I look perfect
for having dinner at my boyfriend's.

Aaron's cooking.



And for dessert,
I'm finally gonna tell him I love him.

- First?
- Uh-uh-uh.

- You're going to say "I love you" first?
- Yeah.

Oh, never ever say "I love you" first.

Unless, of course, he's just given you
something sparkly and expensive.

Or he's got the last parachute.

But I do love him
and I want him to know.

It's the only way to take
our relationship to the next level.

And it's not like he's gonna laugh
in my face, right?

This is where you say "right"
and nod your head furiously.

Right, but I wouldn't rule out
an incredibly awkward silence

followed by a rapid change
of subject.

[CLOCK TICKING]

Hey, who wants coffee?

Sabrina, are you sure
you wanna do this?

Yes, I'm absolutely sure.

I'm just gonna come out and say it.

Anyway, it... We...

- Ha, ha. What are you trying to say?
- Nothing.

Uh, wait. No, there is something.

Aaron, we've been seeing each other
for a while now,

and there's something
I've really been wanting to tell you.

Aaron, I love...

I love...

I love the nightlife.

Okay, we could go dancing
after dessert.

Phew. And here I was afraid
there'd be this big awkward silence.

- So, what do you love?
- Ha, ha.

Uh, I'm not talking about
whiskers on kittens.

Um. Okay, things that I love.

Well, obviously, I love music.

And, uh...
Oh, I'm a big fan of old movies.

Oh. You know what I really love?

The Red Sox.

I can't believe we actually did it.

And, may I add,
we only had to use half the screws.

Hey, guys. Sabrina around?

No, she ran out of here
to have dinner with...

A friend. Less than a friend.
An acquaintance.

A quasi-chum with a peg leg.

Morgan, Harvey knows about Aaron.

Well, he does now. Ugh, way to go.

Yeah, I know all about
Sabrina and Aaron,

how happy they are,

how they spend every
waking moment together.

And how every time
I hear his flipping name,

I wanna break things
into a thousand pieces.

Kind of like that?

Harvey, you have a problem.

Yeah, I know.

I'm in love with a woman
who loves another man.

I'd give anything
for a second chance with Sabrina.

Breaking up with her
was the biggest regret of my life.

Harvey, I wish there was something
I could say.

I hate to see you broken up like this.

But if that's how you really feel,
then you need to tell her.

Yeah, before she left to tell Aaron that
she loved him would have been ideal.

What?

That's it.
I can't wait around any longer.

I have to say it. I have to tell her.

And linguini, fettuccini.

Boston terriers.

Uh, those Japanese monkeys
that take steam baths.

SABRINA:
Why won't he say it?

Oh, and vintage cars. Yes.

Okay, I get it.
You got a lot of love to spread around.

Okay, well, I told you
all the things that I love.

- What do you love?
SABRINA: You, you, you.

Nothing comes to mind.

Well, hopefully you'll love dessert.

Only if it's a sheet cake

with "I love you, Sabrina"
spelled out in sparklers.

This is ridiculous.

Feelings of love I cannot find
Help me hear what's on Aaron's mind

AARON:
She looks so amazing in that dress.

This old thing? Thanks.

What? I didn't say anything.

Neither did I. But I'll start.

Uh, penny for your thoughts?

A penny? Ha-ha-ha.

You know, I once got a quarter
for sticking my tongue on a hot pepper.

AARON:
Oh, my God, I'm such a moron.

Oh, that's not a big deal.

I once stuck my tongue
to the inside of a freezer.

SABRINA:
I'm such a moron.

AARON:
Wonder if I should tell her.

SABRINA:
Yes. Tell her, tell her.

AARON:
I'm not sure how to put it.

I guess I should just be brave
and see how she reacts.

SABRINA: Come on.
What do you want, a drum roll?

Just say it.

I feel like there's something
you want to tell me.

Actually, I do.

Sabrina,
you got something right there.

Thanks.

SABRINA:
The only two things he doesn't love:

Half-chewed spinach and me.

Well, there you go.

That's perfect.

Now can you take it apart
and put it together in my room?

She's home.
Remember, bold and decisive.

Unless she's already told him
that she loves him,

then just finish the cabinet
and slink out the back.

Hey, Harvey.

I knew those two wouldn't get
this thing together on their own.

So how was your night?

Oh, I've had better.

You know, sometimes things don't go
quite like you planned.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

Thanks. Good night.

Sabrina, wait.

- What's wrong?
- Everything.

Oh, it's not that bad.

You know, it's not my taste,
but it will go perfect in Morgan's room.

It's not about the cabinet.

It's...

It's...

Just that I glued my shoes
to the floor.

Well, I'm sure you're still doing better
than the Blunder Twins.

Ooh, don't tell them I said that.
Good night.

SALEM:
Oh, you're up awfully early.

Never a good sign.

And you're home awfully early.
Slow night?

Eh, the usual. Cruised the alleys,

knocked over a trash can,
flower pot.

Well, I had a lousy night.

I totally chickened out when I tried
to tell Aaron that I love him.

Fortunately, I found the perfect coach
to help me express how I really feel:

Cyrano de Bergerac.

The big-schnozzed wordsmith
who always knows exactly what to say?

That's the one.

But I've found a spell
for a slightly more personal version.

Uh, I can't come up with
The words alone

So send me a Cyrano of my own

Greetings.
Cyrano-Sabrina at your service.

Whoa.
That is one huge, ha, ha, cape.

Thank you. Hopefully it doesn't distract
from my more prominent feature.

Are you kidding? It's hardly "noseable."
I mean noticeable.

I detect from the stammering speech
and inarticulate phrasing

that the lady needs help in wooing.

Actually,
I think he's already been wooed.

I just need to tell him I "wuv" him.
Love him.

Have you tried:

"Your eyes are like two flowers
blooming in the morning sun"?

No, not exactly. Shouldn't I know
how he's gonna respond

before I blurt out something
that embarrassing?

Ah, so the real fear emerges:
Rejection.

Let's see if I can find
the most articulate way to put this...

Duh.

Look, I just need you to do
a little investigating.

You know, nose around a little bit.
I mean, well, your nose is lovely.

Your nostrils are like two flowers
blooming in the morning...

Nice try.

Okay. Now, remember,
you're my cousin Sarah.

And you're, uh, on a break
from your day job

at the Renaissance fair.

Excellent. Renaissance fair.

Perhaps my duties include jousting.

I know, I started out as an apprentice

for a cocksure,
yet dainty blacksmith who...

Okay, enough of your back-story.

Fear not.
Just leaveth me alone with him

and I shall discern
his feelings for you.

Me liketh.

Ooh, here he comes now.

My, he's a strapping comely lad.

Okay, one more thing.
Don't talk like that.

Hi.

- Hi, Aaron. This is my cousin, Sarah.
- Mm.

Nose to meet you.

I mean nice. Nice to meet you.

Be not embarrassed.

My nose shows character,
it shows spine.

It shows heart, but only if I tip my head
way, way back.

Ha-ha-ha. She's funny.

Listen, I'm sorry. I can't stay.
I gotta get back to the club.

I've got Sixpence None the Richer
playing and I am swamped.

Actually, if you're still in town
maybe you'd like to come?

Oh, she'd love to.
Sarah's really into music.

Especially all the
behind-the-scenes stuff, yeah.

I'm sure she has a thousand questions
for you.

So, uh, thanks for asking her
to tag along. See you.

Yeah, I didn't actually mean...

She's rather fleet of foot, no?

Where'd you say you're from again?

Jersey.

- Oh, hey, Harvey, what are you...?
- Here.

- What's this?
- You'll understand when you open it.

Earrings in the shape of sea otters?

I thought you "otter" have them?

And I think you "otter" start wearing
your helmet at hockey.

Morgan.

Otter earrings?

You promised me a bracelet
that would make Sabrina's heart melt.

It turned out
it made my heart melt too.

And it matched my outfit.
Pretty, huh?

Yeah, okay, Perry, that looks great.

Yes, it does, if by great
you mean the lighting is too dim

and the sightlines are dreadful.

Ha, ha. Excuse me.
I've been doing this a while and that...

Yeah, Perry, you wanna bring
the lights up a little

and, uh, make the sightlines
less, um, dreadful?

Thanks.

I'm sure you would have caught that
along with that wild eyebrow.

Hey, check out that nose.

Hey, guys, come on.
What kind of remark is that?

An extremely unimaginative one.

A better insult would have been:

"You could check into that nose."

Your lack of creativity is appalling.

Next time try,
"Nice nose. Did you keep the peel?"

Or perhaps, "Do you smell Munich?"

Okay, okay, I get the point.

Okay, now off with you.
I feel a sneeze coming on.

Wow, you really know
how to take care of yourself.

And you're certainly not afraid
to speak your mind.

I like that.

Good, because I'm also not afraid
to thrash a man at a game of pool.

Well, I also hope you're not afraid
of losing.

Because I am.

What is taking so long?

I should have heard from Cyrano
hours ago.

Yeah, about that.

So when's the last time
you read Cyrano de Bergerac?

It's been a while, but I remember it.

You know, inner beauty, love wins,
big schnoz, blah-blah-blah.

Well, it's possible the blah-blah-blah
was the creamy nougat of the story.

Because the person Cyrano helps woo
ends up loving him.

What? I'm the wrong character?

Oh, this is just fiction.

I mean, there's no way that...
I have nothing to worry about, right?

Right.

Whoa.

Sarah, what are you doing?

I mean, what just happened?

Obviously, you have a short memory.
It went something like this.

Uh... Whoa, we can't do this.

I mean, don't get me wrong.
You're a...

You're a great girl, but I'm sorry
if I gave you the wrong impression.

Look, I've gotta go check on something
backstage, but, um...

Look, you and I, we need to, um,
talk about this later, okay?

As you wish,
I shall not move from this...

- Spot.
- Hi.

I was hoping to get a little update.

You know, how's the band?
Do you like the food?

Does Aaron love me
with a love that lasts forever?

The river runs its course.

That really doesn't tell me anything.

I can report
that he is a worthy swain.

Okay.
The river thing was actually clearer.

He appears to be
quite smitten with you.

Oh, good.

And I can also tell you
that he is a splendid kisser.

Yeah, isn't he?
Oh, I love that about... What?

In fact, I would have to say his lips
are like two flowers blossoming in...

Back up.
There is no way he kissed you.

You must've kissed him.

Well, it takes two to tango.

You kissed and danced?

Hey, come back here.
I'm not done with you yet.

Where are you going?

Well, there's been a slight change
in plans.

I've decided I'm keeping Aaron
for myself.

Oh, not so fast, "Pi-nose-io."
Are you saying Aaron hit on you?

I'm saying men are easily seduced
by words.

And words are, after all,
my stock and trade.

Well, I don't care what you
or your words say.

I totally trust Aaron.

But just in case...

I need to get the real story
So give my nose a greater glory

Anyone for a ring toss?

Gracious.

Oh, I'm a small-nosed freak.

No more messing around. This is
what I should've done from the start.

- Who are you?
- Exactly.

I'm a changed man.

No more Mr. Nice-Guy.

And I think you're making
a big mistake with Aaron.

You claim to have feelings for him,
but you can't bring yourself to tell him.

Well, I have no problem
telling you how I feel.

I love you, Sabrina.

Whoo! Oh, that is much easier
without the face kebab.

- Sabrina?
- Oh, thank heavens, no.

I am Sabrina's personal Cyrano.

Artist, poet, musician,
and as of this morning,

Renaissance fair roustabout.

Why couldn't I fall in love
with a sprite or a wood nymph?

If you'll excuse me,
my work here is not complete.

Have you a conveyance of any sort?

- Um, got a car.
- Oh, good enough.

Hey, wait.

I know your Sabrina's Cyrano,

but do you think you could give me
any advice on how to win her back?

Well, Sabrina is a complex girl,

a lass with many facets.

- A woman...
- I don't really have time for a soliloquy.

I'm guessing since
she brought in professional help,

she'll be telling Aaron
she loves him any minute now.

A grand gesture would do the trick.

Godspeed, good Sir Nice Guy.

Oh, by the way, you are a much
better kisser than Aaron.

You might wanna mention that
to Sabrina.

Roxie, Morgan.

Is everything all right? I thought
I heard Sabrina slam out of here.

Everything's gonna be great.
I just need to borrow your car.

- What happened to yours?
- Yeah, you can't just run in here

and take our car
without some explanation.

It's a long complicated story.

- See, Sabrina...
- Oh, just take it.

Wait. What about Sabrina?

Let's just say drastic times
call for drastic measures.

Wish me luck.

We've gotta do something.

We got Harvey all hopped up
about telling Sabrina how he feels.

If he does anything to Aaron,
Sabrina will never forgive us.

Fine.

Wow, this thing's like a divining rod.

Aaron, we have to talk.

I mean, uh, prithee, worthy swain-y.
We must converse-eth.

Yeah, I still wanna have a talk
about that kiss.

Aha! So you did kiss her?
I mean me.

Look, for the last time.
I didn't kiss you, you kissed me.

Oh, good answer, good answer.

But as they say, uh,
takes two to tango.

We didn't dance.

Look, I just said that I liked you,
but in a, you know,

"my girlfriend's cousin, non-kissing,
hands to yourself" kind of way.

Oh, Sabrina.
Boy, am I glad to see you. Mm.

Sarah.

Oh, I'm sorry. Aren't you Sarah?

Of course I am.
I just like to talk to myself aloud.

You know, like, "Hi, Sarah."
"Way to go, Sarah."

And "Sarah, what are you doing here

watching Sabrina
kiss her boyfriend?"

Answer: I don't rightly know.

Well, um,
I'll just let you two catch up.

Did you two switch clothes?

Actually, I don't want to know.

My, someone's nose
is bent out of shape.

Not for long.

I'm not getting what I seek
I give you back your big old beak

And now you can follow your nose.

I've had it with your fancy talk and
macking on my boyfriend. See you.

Hmm, that's weird.
I just had my 25,000 ping service.

While you ponder, I take action.

Excuse me, my consort awaits.

This would be so much easier
if I had any idea what she was saying.

Sarah, come back here.

Keep your eyes open.
I don't see Harvey anywhere.

Ooh, Harvey who?

Focus, Morgan.

Okay, uh, you take the ladies' room,
I'll check the men's.

Let me put this
as eloquently as I can.

Keep your grubby mitts
off my man or else.

Your mama.
I learned that from the bouncer.

Normally, I'd suggest pistols at dawn,
but I think these will have to do.

Are you suggesting
we play pool for Aaron's hand?

Don't be ridiculous.

- Oh, good.
- I'm suggesting a duel to the death.

- Well, as long as it's not pool.
- En garde.

Here, now? Well, I'm not gonna
make a big scene on Aaron's big night.

Whoo, nice shot.
Too bad you didn't call it.

Take that and that and that.

Take this and this and this.

Sabrina, I am so glad I found you.

I'm afraid something drastic
is about to happen.

You think?

Do you want two guys
fighting over you in public?

Ripping each other's shirts,
getting all sweaty?

On the other hand,
boys will be boys. Heh.

Why are you doing this?

Because you can't rewrite a classic.

No, but you can rework it. Didn't you
see Leonardo in Romeo + Juliet?

Oh, I love that. He was great.

He always is.

- Hey, look, there he is now.
- Where?

[AUDIENCE CHEERING]

Sabrina,
I have to talk to you about Harvey.

I think Morgan and I
may have created a monster.

It's better than an alter ego.
I gotta go.

- So where do you think you're going?
- Straight through you, if necessary.

Oh, I don't think so.

You mind
if I made an announcement?

Would you mind if I came to your
house and sang in your shower?

No, that would be great.
So if I could just borrow the mike?

SABRINA:
Had it with your fancy talk.

Hey, hey, hey, what's going on?

You know you can't defeat me.

So why, pray tell, are you so willing
to risk life and limb for him?

Because, pray tell, I love him.

Never mind.

Hmm.

What did you say?

I said, I love you.

There, I finally said it.

Aaron, I love you.

I love you too.

- You do?
- Ha-ha-ha. Yeah, I do.

Uh, excuse me, we actually have
a couple of more songs to sing here.

Oh, right, sorry.

Once again, Sixpence None The Richer.

There, I don't know if you just heard,
but he just said he loves me.

And I believe I heard you say
that you love him.

Of course, I only had to
kiss your beloved

and beat you with a pool cue
to get you to say it,

but it's all part of being a tragic hero.

Wow, I did say it.

How can I ever thank you?

Oh, your kind words and
boyfriend's lips are thanks enough.

- Yeah, about that kiss...
- Gotta go.

Sabrina.

Hey, there's the man I love.
Ooh, I gotta say, I love saying that.

And I don't mind hearing it.

You know, we've gotta promise
to be open with each other

and not hold back.

Yeah, um, about that.

Something happened this afternoon
with your cousin

that I maybe I should tell you.

And yet some things
are better left unsaid.

Hey, Harvey.

You know, I stopped by your house
yesterday and met your Cyrano.

You did? I mean, oh, you did?

So, uh, you know, what did she say?
Was there kissing involved?

Funny you should mention it,
but, yeah.

Plus she gave me some
really good advice.

She did? What did she tell you?

Oh, you'll find out.
Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow,

but someday.

I wonder
if she's a better kisser than I am.