Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996–2003): Season 7, Episode 15 - Cirque du Sabrina - full transcript

Forget it, Spellman.

From crazed hockey fan
to arm candy in the same outfit?

Ain't gonna happen.

Why don't they make a dress
that's low-cut in the back

with numbers on the front?

You're on your own.

Well, I've got to find something.

These are important clients
of Aaron's,

and I promised Harvey
I'd make it to his game.

I'm not the kind of girl
who ditches her friends

the minute she gets a boyfriend.



How long are you gonna keep
throwing that in my face?

Well, here's your chance
to redeem yourself.

- That's Aaron, go entertain him.
- No problem.

And not by playing

Have You Ever Dated Two
Roommates At The Same Time.

Oh. Well, I'll come up with something.

Oh, I wish I had picked up
my black pants from the dry cleaner.

Just spitballing,
but maybe you could work out

this seemingly unsolvable conundrum
by using a little magic.

Ooh, it seems someone's
14-hour power nap paid off.

Excellent.

Uh, nice try. Pants are 7 bucks.

Oh, it says here they do fur.

Fur? Ha, ha.



Oh, no, come on. Oh, hey.

Not funny. Oh, please, no, no, no.

No! Light starch, please.

Oh, my friends are gonna kill me.

I missed the game,
I missed the pizza party.

And you're about to miss a kiss.

Oh, well, I have my priorities.

Mm. And I'm sure your friends
will understand.

You're right.
I mean, these things happen.

It's not like it was anyone's fault.

It was Aaron's fault.

Hi, Aaron Jacobs. Scapegoat.

An escaped goat?

Oh, come on, Sabrina.

You can come up
with a better excuse than that.

Sadly, no.

Look, I'm really sorry, you guys.

Don't worry, it was no biggie,
saving two seats in the front row.

You know how sweet
and understanding hockey fans are.

No, look, Sabrina's right.
It really was my fault.

We got stuck at this dumb
boring work thing.

Yeah, we had to meet people
at the Four Seasons,

and it turned out
Adam Sandler was staying there,

so we got to go up to his suite
and he was really funny.

- In a dumb boring sort of way.
- Smooth.

Look, you're not really mad,
are you, Kinkle?

What do you play?
Like 80 games in a season?

Oh, I'm cool.
I've got another one tomorrow.

And I'm sure I can score
the winning goal two games in a row.

We'll be there.
Wouldn't miss it for the world.

Uh, the world, no,
but a world premiere, yes.

I was gonna surprise you with tickets
to the Boston Film Festival.

Oh, I always wanted to...
How about Wednesday?

Uh, Wednesday, you promised
to help me do my hair.

- Can't Roxie help you?
- I'd love to.

Except I already made plans with you
to try that new yoga place.

And Harvey's coming with.

Ooh, Wednesday, you know,
we gotta go to that thing...

Yeah, I'll be there.
And there, and there.

- What about me?
- And there, so there.

Oh, let's say good night out there.

Okay, Morgan on Tuesday,
I'm with Roxie Friday.

Oh, Harvey's hockey game.

I'll convince him to take up baseball.
I'm wide open in June.

You know,
if you're having trouble scheduling,

I make a great gal Friday.

But I will need Fridays off.

I've got everything
perfectly under control.

I just need to do a little juggling.

Then you have come
to the right place.

Look, okay, I've always dreamed
of running off and joining the circus,

but I never thought that the circus
would run off and join me.

Mind telling me what you're doing here
and why I'm dressed like a skater?

I've nothing but your interests
at heart, mademoiselle.

I pitch my tent wherever
and whenever I find a witch

whose life is seriously...

...out of balance.

Usually I'm the first
to beat a metaphor to death

but, uh, my life is totally balanced.

Something tells me otherwise.

The only thing I'm trying
to balance right now

are my friends
and my new boyfriend.

I gave up on my checkbook.

Well, then if your life is
as in balance as you say,

you should have no trouble crossing
the tightrope while you juggle these.

The movies, Sabrina.

My hair.

Sabrina, yoga tomorrow.

Hockey game.
- All right, jeez, I get it.

Obviously, the French
aren't masters of subtlety.

You're crazy if you think
I'm going up on that tightrope.

Unless I should happen to find myself
50 feet in the air with no way down.

Maybe I am right,
maybe I am wrong.

There is only one way to see.

Great. A foreign double-talking
huckster with bad eyes.

Well, I'll show you
my life's in balance.

Prepare to be dazzled.

Okay, not too bad.

Hey, I'm actually pretty good at...

Falling.

You know, in my defense,
those balls were a little slippery.

I mean,
Morgan uses tons of moisturizer.

I do not think your slippery friend
is the problem.

Okay, you know, maybe my life
is a little bit out of balance.

But it shouldn't be too hard to fix.

I hope not, because until you make it
to the far platform,

Cirque du Sabrina is here to stay.

Okay, nobody likes a show-off.

Roxie, Morgan, get out here now.
House meeting.

Oh, what's going on?

I was just having that dream
where you're at school

and you have to take a test
and you realize

that you haven't dated the professor.

Okay, look,
I can't keep juggling everyone.

Morgan, you're gonna have to find
someone to help you with your hair.

And Roxie,
I can't make yoga this week.

I know it sounds harsh,
but it had to be said.

You couldn't have waited
until the morning to say it?

Well, I thought I might get
a better night's sleep if I said it now.

Oh, as long as you get
a good night's sleep.

Are we done here?

Yeah, yeah. Meeting adjourned.

If I have bags under my eyes
in the morning, she is so dead.

Well, that was easy.

Nothing is ever that easy.

I wonder if you can fumigate
for circus folk.

I can't believe I had to spend the night
on the couch

just because the circus came to town.

Juggling Jacques insists
that my life is out of balance

when everything seems perfect.

Mm-hm.

What about Aaron,
the jealous boyfriend?

What?
Aaron has nothing to be jealous of.

What about your ex-boyfriend
always hanging around here?

Harvey? That's ridiculous.
He's not always hanging around here.

Hey, Sabrina. I'm out of coffee.

You guys got any fresh?

Huh.

What? We make good coffee.

No guy wants his girlfriend
hanging around with her ex.

Trust me, I know these things.

I'm a man, turned into a cat,
turned into a clown.

Oh, kill me now.

You guys got any half and half?

Nope, just chocolate milk.

- Even better.
- Oh, my...

That's just what Harvey said.
"Oh, my... "

Sabrina,
tell Morgan how great her hair looks.

I mean, once I add the relaxer,
the toner, the neutralizer.

The hat.

Which you'll never need again
with such beautiful hair.

Well, caffeine and chocolate beverage
craving satisfied, I'm out of here.

See you, Sabrina.

Bye, Roxie, Morgan.

You're in my prayers.

He is so sweet.

Yeah, listen,
let me ask you something.

I know this is gonna sound crazy,

but do you think
there's any chance that Aaron

might be slightly jealous of Harvey?

- Uh, yeah.
- Even the cat could have told you that.

Yeah, but I'm not gonna
take his word for it.

I mean, uh, Aaron has never been
anything but nice to Harvey.

Don't you ever notice whenever
Harvey comes up with a plan,

Aaron immediately comes up
with a counter-plan?

"Sabrina, I got you a surprise.

Film festival tickets. "

Not too obvious.

Face it, you've got yourself
a jealous boyfriend.

And unfortunately,

jealousy is the worst quality
a boyfriend can have.

Aside from poverty.

Come on, there is no way Aaron
is even remotely jealous of Harvey.

Of course I'm jealous of Harvey.

Hey, give me a blue on four, Perry.

But Harvey's my oldest friend.
I've known him for years.

Yeah, and he was your boyfriend
for four of them.

I mean, what would you say
if I kept dragging you off

to one of my ex's hockey games?

I'd say, is there something
you wanna tell me?

Look, Harvey is so far past
being an ex, he's a Y.

Look, say what you want.
I just don't like having him around.

Hey, Perry, give me a red
on the three panel.

Relationships are about compromise,
but this isn't one of those times.

Harvey is my friend,

and I don't think
I wanna be with someone

who's gonna dictate
who I see and who I don't.

You can't just order me around.

- Oh, stand over there, will you?
- All right, sure.

No. Listen.

There is nothing going on
between me and Harvey.

If you can't believe and get over it,
then I don't know what else I can say.

I don't know how to get out of here.

Thanks, Perry.

Turns out
my problem isn't scheduling.

My life is out of balance
because I have a jealous boyfriend.

Ah, jealousy.

It brings nothing but sorrow
and bad country-western songs.

Anyway, I've taken care of it.
So I'm ready to...

Would a little warning
be too much to ask?

Hey, Ma, look at me.
I'm tightrope walking.

Hey, Sabrina.
- Aaron.

What?
I thought we already settled this.

Hi, Sabrina.
- Harvey?

Wait. Aah!

What the heck was that all about?

I do not think the jealous boyfriend
is your problem.

Well, then what is?

Me.

I'm still in love with you, Sabrina.

Why couldn't I have just gotten
a circus with some cotton candy

and the occasional
rampaging elephant?

Sabrina, what's wrong?

Oh, Harvey's still in love with me.

That's fantastic.

What? No, it's not.

Yes, it is. This kind of gossip
will keep Morgan distracted for hours.

Come on, walk and talk.

Roxie, this is a serious problem.

Okay, I guess having your own
personal troll doll

also qualifies as a problem, but...

I know you said that I have to wait
until you're done,

but I have got to look.

Harvey's still in love with Sabrina.

What? Get out.

That's unbelievable.

What was I just gonna do?

I can't believe
I accused Aaron of being consumed

by the green-eyed monster
when he was just being perceptive.

Hello? Aaron.

Wow, you really are perceptive.

Listen, Sabrina,

I'm really sorry
about this whole Harvey thing.

You were completely right
about everything.

Just my luck. I finally find a guy
who actually listens to me.

And as proof of my sincerity,

I just called Harvey and asked him
to join us at the club tonight.

He loved the idea.

Color me shocked.

Anyway, I just wanted you to know
that I heard what you were saying

and I'm sorry.

Oh, you are
the greatest boyfriend ever.

And I am the worst girlfriend ever.

Sabrina, why are you getting
so worked up about this?

This is Harvey's problem.

It's not your fault
that he's not over you.

Odd, but not your fault.

Good point, Morgan.

I mean, is anything
every really anyone's fault?

You guys broke up years ago.
You can't control someone's feelings.

You know, you're absolutely right.

I have never been anything
but completely open

and honest with Harvey.

I've definitely never led him on.

This isn't my problem.
This is Harvey's problem.

The circus should be in his room.

As the old saying goes.

Oh, wait, now I remember
what I was going to do.

You were gonna come with me
to find out Harvey's side of the story.

While I work on mine.

So you see, there's nothing I can do.

I can't stop Harvey
from having feelings for me.

You know, unless of course
I get Roxie to do my hair.

Would you stop doing that?

You say he cannot change
his feelings.

But what if he never had
these feelings at all?

Oh, that's just crazy circus talk.

No, it's not.
That's exactly what I need to do.

How exactly would I do that?

The feelings that upset you today
are connected to those from yesterday.

And the day before that,
and the day before that.

Look,
I'm not still in love with Sabrina.

She's a good friend.

I care about her a lot,
but that's as far as it goes.

So, what's the damage?

Damage? There's no damage.
Morgan just felt like wearing a scarf.

No, what do we owe?

Ah!

And it seems our Kinkle
truly doth protest too much.

Just good friends, huh?

Do you carry around pictures
of all your friends?

No, it's just...

The last photo of me
with all my real teeth.

You catch the puck with your face
a dozen times,

you start remembering
to wear your mouthguard.

Harvey.

Okay.
It was our first Valentine's Day.

We were young and at the mall.

I had a pocket full of quarters.

- Give me that.
- Ha-ha-ha.

And the day before that,
and the day before that...

Good thing I didn't meet Harvey
in grade school.

All leading back to the day

when that first spark of love
was ignited.

Oh, that was my first day at school
and the first time I ever saw Harvey.

Could I get that on DVD?

The director is still recording
his commentary.

The question is,
what shall we do with this moment?

Well, I'd like to keep it.

If that's throwing my life
out of balance,

I can imagine
what it's doing to Harvey.

Are you positive you want
Harvey's feelings for you to disappear?

I don't have any other choice.

Voil?. Impressive, no?

Uh, not really.
I'm a witch, remember?

Sabrina, wait. Ha.
You gotta see this.

Ah, squeeze my nose.

Does this end any differently
than "pull my tail"?

Oh, you've heard it.

But what you haven't heard
is that yours truly

scored a date
with one of the contortionists.

Oh, just like you
to turn my personal tragedy

into your romantic opportunity.

Yup. Everybody wins.

I won't know if I've won until I find out
if Harvey's still love struck.

Hey, Sabrina, I thought I'd swing by
on the way to the club.

Great.
Harvey's gonna be there, right?

He's gotta be here somewhere.
You did invite him, right?

Oh, yeah,
and barring a disfiguring accident,

he should be here.

Hey, Aaron,
thanks for putting me on the list.

Don't go anywhere. I'll be right back.

Hey, why would I go anywhere
when Harvey's here?

Hey, Harvey.

Oh, hey, Spellman.

So how you've been?

Uh, fine, I guess.

Okay, well, I just wanted to do
a little check, you know.

See how you're doing,
see how you're feeling about us.

I didn't realize there was anything
between us to feel anything about.

Nice chatting.

All right, mission accomplished.

No one's ever gonna accuse you
of being love struck.

Or polite. I guess I'll see you
at your game tomorrow.

Wait, you're coming to my game?

Of course, I always do.

Wait a minute.
We're still friends, right?

Still?

I didn't think we ever were.

In fact, I don't think we ever said
two words to each other in high school.

Harvey, quit playing around.

I don't think
I'm the one who's playing.

What did she do?
Slip this in my wallet?

Psycho.

And it was like this photo
meant nothing to him.

Je suis confused.

I thought you wanted Harvey's feelings
for you to be snuffed out.

Well, I wanted
his romantic feelings snuffed.

I didn't want to snuff out
our entire friendship.

I can't imagine my life
without Harvey.

And you are telling me this
pourquoi?

Uh, because I need to know
how to do your hankie trick

to put Harvey's feelings back,
that's pourquoi.

I'm a witch, remember?

You know, if you undo this spell,

your life will be out of balance again.

I thought the circus was
supposed to put a smile on your face.

You are confusing us with a carnival.
I spit on the carnival.

And my shoes.

- Ta-da.
- Nice.

It's a little Vegas for you, isn't it?

Vegas, but hopefully effective.

Hey, are you coming
to my game tomorrow?

Jackpot. Yeah, uh, well, you know,
I wouldn't miss it for the world.

Oh, Harvey, I found this.

Hey, I keep the same one
in my wallet.

I know. It's yours.

Because it's my best haircut.

I show it to barbers all the time.

Oh, it's okay. That was one
of the best days of my life.

- Really?
- Yeah, really.

But that was a long time ago.

I know.

Look, I know we broke up
a while ago,

but, to be honest, my feelings for you
never really changed.

I know, but you have to let
those feelings evolve.

Otherwise, we'll never be able
to move forward.

And I might never be able
to move across my bedroom again.

Easier said than done.

But why now?
And why is this happening with Aaron?

I've dated other guys.

Yeah, I know.

But, you never seemed
this serious before.

Yeah, you're right.
It is different with Aaron.

Well, I wish
I could be happy for you,

but I don't know
if I'm that good of a sport.

Harvey, what are you saying?

I'm saying, I don't think I can do this.

Well, Harvey, wait.

I guess he won't mind if I keep this.

Oh, you know, just once
I'd love to come in here

and find your head in a lion's mouth.

Anyway,
I finally got my life in balance.

So you put down those balls
and watch me zip across the rope

to the far platform
so I can send you packing.

I'm sensing more bitterness than
usual in your sweet, bossy nature.

Well, good.
I was afraid I was being too subtle.

You know, I didn't realize
that putting my life in balance

would mean losing Harvey forever.

I'm sorry to hear that, mademoiselle.

Thanks.

You know,
it's really kind of hard to imagine...

Could I please
just finish a sentence?

Hey, where's the net?

If your life truly is in balance,
you won't need the net.

Oh, easy to say from the floor.

Okay, I can do this.

Don't look down.

Remember to breathe.

No, don't breathe.

More steps.

Harvey?

What are you doing here?

You didn't think I'd let you fall,
did you?

I don't know. I guess I...

Well, I'll say one thing.

Nobody retreats faster
than the French.

I am just saying,
I think a lot of people would watch

an action-adventure movie
where a circus gets blown up.

Repeatedly.

I'm definitely picking the videos
from now on.

So you talk to Harvey lately?

No, not really.

Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Kind of.

No, I have had it up to here
with your excuses.

"Don't look at it.
The sun might melt it.

Water might break it. "

And now,
we accidentally find ourselves

at a Hair Club for Men meeting?

Forget it. I am looking.

In my defense,
I had no idea what I was doing.

See? I've already found the two clowns
to star in my circus movie.

I love it.

- You do?
- Yes.

And it's only fair
that I return the favor and do yours.

- Oh, that's really not necessary.
- Oh, yes it is.

The only way that could end
is in tears.

- Harvey.
- Hey.

I just wanted to say I'm sorry
for walking off yesterday.

That's all right. I understand.

I don't know if my feelings
will ever evolve like you said,

but regardless I want you to know
that I'll always be there for you

if you need me.

Thanks. That means a lot to me.

Well, you wanna come in?
Aaron and I are about to watch a movie.

Get away from me!

Or a murder.

Hey, Harvey.

Hey.

You know, maybe another time.

I'll catch you later.

And I know you always will.

But maybe next time
I won't be wearing sequins.

Little help?

- Oh.
- Whoa.

Bad date
with the contortionist, huh?

Are you kidding?
Best date of my life.

Well, you always were
a little twisted.

- Oh, boy.
- Ha, ha.