Sabrina, the Teenage Witch (1996–2003): Season 7, Episode 10 - Ping Ping a Song - full transcript

Touch that remote
and I'll use you for a scratching post.

You threatening me, cat?

Sounds like it, Kinkle.

Sweet victory.

No one.
No one is taking this away from me.

Thanks, Harvey.

Hurry up.
It's time for National Superstars.

Coming through.
National Superstars is about to start.

Did I miss anything?

Does it matter
that I was just watching TV?

Were you gonna watch
National Superstars?



- No.
- Then it doesn't matter.

This is the finale.
Clay's gonna sing against Tanya.

Oh, I wouldn't mind making
a little dreidel out of Clay.

I just love watching
someone's dreams coming true

right before our eyes.

I love the public humiliation.

I love the fashion horror show.

That's it?

Nobody has a story idea?

Well, Annie,
it's been kind of a slow week.

I mean, no rappers got arrested,
no movie stars were hospitalized

for "exhaustion. "

Come on, a new trend, a new band.

There must be a story
we haven't done.



Okay,
last night on National Superstars

which I only watched
because my roommates made me,

they announced they're gonna do
their next show in Boston.

Maybe we could do a story on that.

- That show is so lame.
- Yeah.

Come on.

Seriously, I cannot believe
people watch that junk.

There's no way
Clay should have won, okay?

Tanya was so much better.

Tanya is hot.

Rosie O'Donnell hot.

Okay, you all got to get a life,
all right?

Clay rocks.

Okay, great story idea, can't do it.
Absolutely no reporters allowed.

Well, what if I hide my little hat
that says "press"?

No reporters allowed?

Uh, what's the big deal?
It's not like it's a crime scene.

Well, except when Tanya murdered
"My Heart Will Go On. "

Great story idea.

Between you and me, it's been a
dream to be on National Superstars.

I sing the hell
out of "Lady Marmalade. "

That's it.

I'll enter undercover as a contestant.

That way there's nothing stopping me
from getting a great story.

Well, except abject fear.

Well, you probably
wouldn't be so afraid

if you had a, uh, partner in crime?

- I see where you're going, Leonard.
- Ha-ha-ha.

Know what? I'll call Roxie and Morgan
and see if they wanna do it with me.

Yeah, they'll get a kick out of it

and I'll have two more contestants
to interview. Ha, ha.

- Thanks, Leonard.
- Fine.

You can have my dream,
but you're not getting my costume.

As we prepare for our
National Superstars audition,

the air is full of tension, excitement,
and cheap hairspray.

Not to mention people who
aren't reporters talking into their hand.

I know we're kind of being used
to further your career,

but this is the best way
I have been used in years.

- Yeah, thanks for forcing us to do this.
- No problem.

You know, it really
means a lot to have you guys here.

I don't think I could do this alone.

You really are the best pals
a gal ever had.

That's our name. Gal Palz.

But with a Z.

Okay, as long as I don't have
to change my name to Zabrina.

I know we're not here to win,
but that guy's really good.

Yeah, he's all right.

You know, if you like rhythm
and perfect pitch.

But does his name have a Z in it?

- Thank you, Zeke.
- Thank you.

All these people are really good.

Usually, there's at least
one act that stinks.

- Uh-oh.
- I didn't think this through.

If we sing, people are gonna be
celebrating our public humiliation.

And I've never won a contest
where I wasn't wearing a bikini.

I got a lot of flak from the other kids
in the spelling bee for that.

But, guys, guys, wait,
I mean, you can't back out now.

But, I'm so nervous,
I think my throat's closing up.

- I gotta get out of here.
- Me too.

Oh, nothing's ever easy.

We're next to sing
No time to debate

Send me magic lozenges
So our voices sound great

Wow,
"Aunt Lorraine's Talent Lozenges.

Now with 25 percent more talent. "

Guys, wait, look.

Win or lose,
it'll be fun if we do it together.

You know,
you just have pre-audition jitters.

Why don't we all relax
and take a lozenge.

I don't think a simple lozenge
is gonna...

Whoa, this does feel good.

Is this honey lemon,
because I don't really...

Oh, eat it.

And now,
welcome our next contestants

to the National Superstars
auditions.

Gal Palz.

Ladies.

No, you're never gonna get it

Ow!

Never ever gonna get it

No, not this time

No, you're never gonna get it

My love

Never ever gonna get it

Ah, ah, ah

So maybe next time
You give your woman a little respect

So you won't be hearing her say
No way

No you're never gonna get it

Sweet lovin'

- Never ever gonna get it
- Sweet lovin'

- No, you're never ever gonna get it
- My lovin'

Never ever gonna get it

Ooh, bop

Fantastic. Nice job.

We're gonna take a quick break.
We'll be right back after this.

Good job.

Is it me,
or did we actually sound decent?

Decent? We rocked.

Wow, you guys sounded amazing.

Which is weird, because I've heard
the three of you sing in the car.

To be honest,
I thought it was engine trouble.

Well, we practiced, and you know,
this place has really good acoustics.

Plus, we may have taken
some magic lozenges.

So you really thought
we were good?

- Magic lozenges?
- Well, it was an emergency.

You know, Roxie and Morgan
were gonna bail on me

and I wouldn't have an article.

Plus, I did have a little tickle.

Here, you can have them.

See, all through. No harm done.

Sabrina, we're in.
We're semi-finalists.

- What?
- They just announced it.

- Come on.
- This wasn't supposed to happen.

I have what I need for my article.

How's my hair?

"Warning.

Excess exposure to limelight
may have adverse effects. "

Adverse effects?

Thank you, thank you.

Oh, without you people,
we're nothing. Ha, ha.

No, without these you're nothing.

Can you believe that we have hair
and makeup appointments at 10?

I didn't even call until last night.

Well, being famous
means no waiting.

You know, it's too bad
none of us needs a kidney.

Hey, did you guys know there's
someone going through your trash?

Well, Harvey,
we are kind of famous.

I mean everybody wants
their Gal Palz souvenirs.

Everything we touch turns to money.

Hurry up. We're gonna be late.

Aren't you guys going to work?

I'm taking a leave of absence.

They were very understanding.

Of course,
when our record hits number one,

I'll blow off that dead-end job
like a doublewide in Kansas.

And if I had a job to quit,
I'd blow it off too.

Ooh.

Get job. Quit.

And this is my job, remember?

I'm doing a story here.

This isn't about the fame or the glory,
or...

Limo's here. Gotta go.

Hey, wait, wait.

We need to talk about you
and these lozenges

and this little warning label.

Look, just leave any of your concerns
on my machine, okay?

Why are you just sitting there?

Can't you see
that something's wrong?

All I see is a couple of girls
enjoying their moment in the sun.

And it being rained on
by some Harvey downer.

Well, I guess a little fame
isn't such a bad thing.

It gives them a little boost.
A little thrill.

And gives us a lot of cash.

Now, I'll hop on eBay,

you go cut their sheets
into one inch squares.

And now,
the moment all of America,

including Puerto Rico and Guam,
has been waiting for.

Who will be
the two National Superstar finalists?

For some, the dream will end here.

Morgan, wanna explain that shimmy
you did at the end of our number?

Yeah, what was that?

You looked like Tina Turner
having a seizure.

And Roxie, what's with you standing
in front of me during my close-up?

She had to.

We thought you were
gonna French kiss the camera.

Here it is.

Our National Superstar
finalists are...

Zeke Tyler.

Thank you.

Oh, please.

- Pity vote.
- It's all about his hair.

And our other finalist is...

Or should I say are.

Gal Palz.

Ladies, congratulations.
We all know you're good friends.

But did you ever dream
you would make it this far as singers?

- No, actually, I just wanna say that...
- Not in a million years.

Not unless it was as a solo act.

Which might happen
sooner than you think.

Mr. Colin, I always believed
I would make it in music.

If I could just find the right singers
to back up my voice.

Hello? They might wanna hear
what the blonde has to say.

After all, I'm the one
who started this singing group.

Well, let the blonde say
what she wants.

- She always does.
- Yes, you always do.

Even though, based on our fan mail,

people seem to be a bit more
interested in the redhead

then they are in the blonde.

Hey, hey, hey.
Don't walk away from me.

You can't do this without me.

I pick the songs.

I arrange them, and I drove.

And to the right is
the couch where the Gal Palz kick back

and watch the tube
as they sip their favorite libation,

strawberry smoothies,
available in the kitchen for 3.95.

What is all the racket?

I mean, can't someone get a little
peace and quiet around here

while they recharge their creative...

For the love of crying out loud.

I'm sorry,
the help enters through the back door.

Need the bathroom?
There's a Chevron on the corner.

And there's some
of that sassy Sabrina spirit

we've all come to love.

Salem, what are you doing?

Cashing in, Your Diva-ness.

These people aren't the help.

They're paying customers,
tourists, your fans.

The little people.
Oh, thank you all so much for coming.

I love all of you like family.

Now, exit through the kitchen
and try not to touch anything.

Bye-bye.
I'm glad I can make your day.

Oh, who am I kidding? Your life.

Oh, and where do you two think
you're going?

If you think that I'm spending
one more minute in this house

after your scene-stealing tantrum
last night, think again.

I am not
the wind beneath your wings.

I am a star in my own right.

In your own mind.

This whole suburban granny's house
thing is so not Roxie King.

It's frumpy, it's dated, it's drab,
but it works for you. Ciao.

Fine. You know what?

You two just saved me the trouble
of having to throw the two of you out.

Thanks for getting the door.

It's in your future. Get used to it.

I'm off to my photo shoot at Scorch.

Oh, look, there's my limo now.

What do you mean your limo?

And what do you mean
your photo shoot?

Oh, it's the black limo.

You take it, Roxie.
It's more slimming.

Unh! I want a limo.

Hey, what's going on?
I had to pay $15 to get in here.

For an extra 5, you can see the car

and rub the cat's tummy.

Can it, Salem.

I have to talk to you.

I tried to catch you last night,
but I couldn't keep up with your limo.

Oh, was that you
banging on the trunk?

Look, Harvey, I have no time, okay?

I have to volumize my hair
and launch a solo career before lunch.

Ha, ha, ha. Like I eat lunch anymore.

Would you quit the diva act
for two seconds and listen?

Look, on the lozenge box it says:

"Exposure to limelight
may have adverse effects. "

What? It's not like I'm gonna be
operating heavy machinery.

Don't you get it?
These are adverse effects.

All this fame is making you act
like some kind of egotistical movie star.

Really? Which one?

Because I get Meg Ryan a lot.

I didn't wanna have to do this,
but you leave me no choice.

This is last night's show.

Don't walk away from me.
You can't do this without me.

I pick the songs.

I arrange...

Oh, my gosh. I was so ugly.

Yeah.
You really did look like a witch.

I am out of control.

Did I really call Roxie and Morgan
no-talent hacks?

If only you'd been that nice.

Maybe I need to check you
into some kind of diva detox center.

No, no, now that I know
what's going on, I can handle it.

I just have to stay out of the limelight
and pull Roxie and Morgan out of it too

before it completely destroys
our friendship.

Come on, I'll drive.

It can't always be a limo.

You're right. Right.

But I'm riding in the back
and you're wearing a hat.

So, uh, how do you rate
your competition in the finals?

Oh, please.

Roxie has two left feet
and Sabrina you'd think had three.

I meant the other finalists.

All right, Roxie, I think we're done.

Done? We haven't even started.

We've only shot coy Roxie
and pouty Roxie.

My fans deserve to see
serious Roxie and sporty Roxie.

I got a Roxie I'd like to show them.

Autopsy Roxie.

Oh, finally, the last of our divas
has arrived.

I'm assuming you'll want your own hair
and makeup people and bottled water.

No, no, no.
It's just me, Sabrina.

Lowly little Sabrina.

I came to talk to my friends
and get out of here.

Morgan, come on, we're leaving.

First of all,
I am not even talking to you.

Second of all, everything has to be
booked through my manager.

And third of all, my manager
isn't talking to you either.

Morgan, listen to me.

We've got to get out of the limelight.
It's destroying us and our friendship.

I mean, who cares about fame
and fortune

and our faces pasted on billboards?

Uh, let me see. I do.

Excuse me. Can I take
a couple of pictures of you guys?

No, no, no.
No pictures, no flashes, no fawning.

Not until I finish my makeup.

Oh, no. It's happening.

Must resist the limelight.

Stop. And you have to too, Morgan.

Right, I've never resisted anything.

Click away, shutterbug.

Are you taking photos without me?

I know what's going on.

You're trying to force me
out of the group.

No, no, no.
I'm trying to force you out the door.

Okay, all this fame
has gone to our heads

and we've become
awful ugly people.

Speak for yourself, Spellman.
My photos turned out great.

Guys, if you remember anything about
our friendship, you'll remember that

I'm the one who started this group.

Ooh. Oh. No.

Must protect my friends.

Friends are fleeting.
Fans are forever.

No, no, must stop.

Must be real person.

As soon as I finish this roll.

Love me, love me, love me.

Sorry, Sabrina,
I finally found a parking...

Oh, no.

All right.
We gotta get you out of here.

Apparently, you're not as strong
as you thought you were.

Oh, neither am I.

What am I gonna do?

I mean, I can't spend the rest of my life
locked in this house.

For one thing,
we're almost out of Fudgesicles.

It's hard to believe that something
billed as cool and refreshing

can be so dark and destructive.

Well, you can throw those away.

I mean, they're the reason
I got into this whole mess.

I want to give Aunt Lorraine
a piece of my...

Wait a minute. That's it.

I gotta get to the source
of my problem.

Aunt Lorraine,
when your throat's a pain.

Listen, Lorraine.

I've had a real problem
with your lozenges.

Whatever your problem is,
there was a warning label.

Here's a warning:

If you don't help me,
I'll twist your bun off.

Hey, you're Sabrina from Gal Palz.

Listen, the guys in marketing say
I'm scaring off the kids.

How would you like to be
our new spokesperson?

Me?

Well, I have always wanted to do
endorsements.

And then, of course, directing.

- Diva alert.
- Thanks.

Look, Raspy, just give me the antidote
that will make this all go away.

Sorry, kid.
I just gave you a little talent.

The media and the public made you
what you are today.

- Bitter, hateful, self-centered.
- Okay, we know what the problem is.

And only they can tear you down.

- What did she mean tear you down?
- Who knows?

She probably meant that society loves
to build people up

and then tear them down.

That's it.
We just need to be torn down.

Okay.

Gal Palz needs a scandal.

Zeke Tyler.

Zeke, well done.

And now,
let's welcome our last finalist.

Gal Palz.

Ladies, this is it.

This is your big...

Has someone come down
with a sudden case of stage fright?

Nope, I'd just rather stay over here
out of the limelight.

Out of the limelight?

This is what it's all about.

What is wrong with you?

Colin, I have to come clean.

I broke the rules of this contest.

I'm a reporter for Scorch Magazine.

I posed as a contestant to get a story
and I dragged my friends into it.

I'm really sorry.

Well, I'm sorry.

Because that means
Gal Palz is disqualified.

Which means the winner
is Zeke Tyler.

Come on up here, Zeke.

Zeke, Zeke!

How could you?

You've ruined everything.

I didn't ruin everything.
I saved something.

Our friendship?

Look, I had to destroy Gal Palz
with a Z

so that girlfriends with an S
could survive.

Oh, my God. It's really over.

It's like we don't matter anymore.

But you guys matter to me.

And believe me, there was a time
when I completely forgot that.

You know, I got so wrapped up
in my solo act, my acting career,

my fragrance.

Now, stay on track.

I'm not saying
it's bad to be a nobody.

And actually it feels kind of good
to be a normal person.

Oh, Roxie, you'll never be normal.

So you guys are okay with this?

Just going back to being
three regular girls

living in a granny house
in the suburbs?

- No limos, no adoring fans, no perks.
- Except for the best one of all.

Morgan, are you okay with this?

Yeah.

Is the no-limos part negotiable?

Oh, Suzanne
is definitely gonna get the rose.

No way. Chad is so over her.

He's giving the rose to Cindy.

No, no, he's giving Cindy the boot.
It's gonna be Jennifer.

Hey, you know what?

I heard this show
is coming to Boston next week.

- Maybe we should...
- Turn off the TV.

Sabrina!