Sabrina, the Animated Series (1999–2000): Season 1, Episode 32 - Saturday Night Furor - full transcript
Uncle Quigley decides to reinstate Family Fun Night on Saturdays evenings. Sabrina and the Aunts think that Quigley is in serious need of a love life, so they set him up with Sabrina's principal. Sabrina decides to go on the date with him to help but she only makes things worse. She casts a spell that makes Quigley irresistible to women. They must stop the madness that's come over the women of Greendale, who will do anything to get a glimpse of Quigley.
[PURRING]
♪ SHE'S GOT
A SUPERSTAR CAT ♪
♪ WHO KNOWS
WHERE IT'S AT ♪
♪ STAND UP
AND RAISE YOUR HAT ♪
♪ SHE'S A SPELLBOUND
ACROBAT ♪
♪ SO HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ SHE'S THE GREATEST ♪
♪ FOR SUPER MAGIC
CALL SABRINA ♪
♪ HERE COMES THE FUN NOW ♪
♪ ARE YOU READY? ♪
♪ COME HAVE A RIDE ♪
♪ GET HAPPY ♪
♪ SO HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ SHE'S THE GREATEST ♪
♪ FOR SUPER MAGIC
CALL SABRINA ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
SHE'LL BEWITCH YOU ♪
♪ SABRINA ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
SHE'LL BEWITCH YOU ♪
♪ SABRINA ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
SHE'LL BEWITCH YOU ♪
HA HA!
♪ SHE'S THE GREATEST ♪
♪ SABRINA ♪
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
DIC ENTERTAINMENT
♪ DUM DE DUM DUM DUM ♪
Aunt Hilda: ZELDA!
I NEED THIS FOR MY
DATE SATURDAY NIGHT!
NO WAY!
I'M WEARING IT
SATURDAY NIGHT.
REMEMBER, GIRLS,
NO BITING, HEAD BUTTING,
OR VOODOO CURSES.
SO, SATURDAY I'M TREATING
HARVEY TO A MOVIE AT THE--
Zelda: HILDA--
HUH?
AH!
YEOW!
[CRASH]
Zelda: ICKY, ICKY, ICKY!
OH, SO MUCH FOR CATS ALWAYS
LANDING ON THEIR FEET.
LISTEN, I'M NOT GONNA
TELL YOU AGAIN--
[ALL SHOUTING]
WHAT IS ALL THIS?
QUIET, EVERYONE,
ONE AT A TIME.
ONE AT A TIME!
IT'S ZELDA'S FAULT.
SHE'S BEING STINGY
AND TRYING TO RUIN MY DATE
SATURDAY NIGHT.
IT'S MY JACKET,
AND I'M GONNA WEAR IT ON
MY DATE SATURDAY NIGHT.
I WAS ON THE PHONE,
PLANNING MY SATURDAY NIGHT.
SATURDAY, SHMATURDAY!
THEY STEPPED ON MY TAIL!
IT'S NUMB, AND I GET
A SHOOTING PAIN
WHENEVER I COUGH.
[COUGHS]
NOW, EVERYONE
JUST SETTLE DOWN.
THERE'S NO NEED
TO ARGUE,
BECAUSE, FROM NOW ON,
WE'RE SPENDING EVERY
SATURDAY NIGHT TOGETHER.
All: HUH?
I'VE DECIDED TO REINSTATE
FAMILY FUN NIGHT!
OH, MAN.
OH, NO...
Hilda: JUST SHOOT ME NOW.
FAMILY FUN NIGHT?
B--BUT, UNCLE QUIGLEY,
WE ALREADY TRIED THAT.
IT WAS SO NOT FUN.
NOW, WE NEVER REALLY
GAVE IT A CHANCE.
YOU KNOW, WE ALL GET SO DARN
BUSY WITH OUR OWN LIVES,
WE FORGET WE'RE A FAMILY!
SO I SAY WE START SPENDING
SATURDAY NIGHTS TOGETHER.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE,
WHAT HAPPENED
TO MISS PEPLUM?
[STAMMERING]
UH, UM, PEPLUM,
NAME DOESN'T RING A BELL.
OLYMPIA PEPLUM?
YOU KNOW, THAT NICE LADY
FROM THE GARDEN CLUB
YOU GO
TO THE MOVIES WITH
EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT?
COME ON, QUIG, SPILL.
Zelda: WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
[SIGHS] SHE...
SHE RAN OFF
TO ACAPULCO WITH...
THE CANDY COUNTER MAN.
AHA!
SHE ALWAYS DID
HAVE A WEAKNESS
FOR MEN IN UNIFORM.
SAY NO MORE, QUIGS.
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT
WOMAN FOR YOU.
AND SHE'S
JUST AT THAT AGE
WHERE SHE'S GETTING TOO
OLD FOR PRO WRESTING!
Quigley: HOLD IT!
STOP RIGHT THERE.
YOU WILL NOT,
I REPEAT, NOT,
MEDDLE IN
MY LOVE LIFE, HILDA!
I KNEW IT,
HE'S STILL MAD ABOUT
THAT BLIND DATE
WITH THE CANNIBAL.
ANYWAY, THIS ISN'T
JUST ABOUT ME.
I ALSO HAPPEN TO FEEL
THIS FAMILY NEEDS
SOME QUALITY TIME
TOGETHER.
NOW, TO START WITH,
I HAVE TICKETS
THIS SATURDAY
FOR ALL OF US
TO ATTEND
A SLIDESHOW
AT THE GARDEN CLUB.
ROOT ROT, FRIEND OR FOE?
AND, IN THE WEEKS
TO COME,
WE'LL BE SEEING
A BARBERSHOP QUARTET CONCERT,
A DEBATE
ON THE METRIC SYSTEM,
AND A TAG TEAM
MAHJONG MARATHON.
UNCLE QUIGS, YOU CAN'T TAKE
AWAY OUR SATURDAY NIGHTS.
IT'S NOT FAIR!
NONSENSE, WITCHES LIVE
PRACTICALLY FOREVER.
YOU'LL HAVE AN ETERNITY
OF SATURDAY NIGHTS
TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
FOR NOW, GET READY
FOR FAMILY FUN!
EACH ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS
IS GONNA SEEM LIKE
AN ETERNITY.
THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE.
AS WE SAID,
QUIGLEY NEEDS A GIRLFRIEND.
BUT HE TOLD US NOT TO MEDDLE
IN HIS LOVE LIFE.
NO, HE TOLD YOU
NOT TO MEDDLE.
THAT JUST LEAVES MORE
MEDDLING FOR THE REST OF US.
Salem: GOT THAT?
READ IT BACK.
S.W.M.--
THAT'S SHORT
WRINKLED MORTAL--
SEEKS S.W.F.--
THAT'S STUNNING
WITCH FEMALE--
FOR ROMANCE, ADVENTURE,
AND SOMETHING TO DO
ON SATURDAY NIGHTS.
R.S.V.P. IMMEDIATELY.
NO NOSE RINGS
OR TATTOOS.
PERFECT!
I DON'T KNOW,
ARE YOU SURE
UNCLE QUIGLEY
SHOULD BE DATING
A WITCH?
HEY, IF WE'RE GONNA
GET HIM OUT OF OUR HAIR,
HE HAS TO MEET
A REALLY FUN WOMAN.
AND EVERYONE KNOWS
THERE'S NO MORE FUN
THAN A WITCH!
ONE PERSONAL AD ON ITS WAY
TO THE NETHERWORLD,
SPECIAL DELIVERY.
[CAWING]
NOW, ALL WE DO
IS WAIT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH!
BUT NOT FOR LONG.
QUIGLEY, I PRESUME?
UH, Y--YES?
MM, GOOD,
I LIKE 'EM PUDGY.
I'M CIRCE, YOUR
STUNNING WITCH FEMALE.
READY FOR OUR DATE
IN THE NETHERWORLD?
HUH? DATE?
NETHERWORLD?
WH--WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING AB--
Hilda: ALL RIGHT!
[ALL SPEAKING
IN STRANGE LANGUAGES]
W--WAIT,
WHO ARE YOU?
W--WHAT
IS THIS PLACE?
JUST YOUR NORMAL
SUSHI BAR.
ALL YOU CAN EAT...
OR BE EATEN.
LET'S GO.
AH!
[SCREAMS]
YEE-OW!
YEE-OW!
YEE-OW!
YEE-AHH!!
[SCREAMING]
NOW WHAT?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU LIKED MUSEUMS?
MAKE THEM GO AWAY!
YEE-AH!
BUT YOUR AD SAID
YOU WERE LOOKING
FOR ADVENTURE.
AD? WHAT AD?
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T LIE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO
TO MEN WHO DECEIVE ME?
[SIGHS]
ISN'T UNCLE QUIGLEY
BACK YET?
[YAWNS]
HE'S NEVER BEEN OUT
THIS LATE BEFORE.
HE'S NEVER EVEN BEEN
UP THIS LATE BEFORE.
[YAWNS]
MAYBE WE GOT LUCKY
AND THEY ELOPED.
THAT MUST BE THEM NOW!
THAT'S FUNNY,
THERE'S NOBODY--
HUH?
SAY, ISN'T CIRCE
THE WITCH
WHO TURNS MEN INTO...
[OINK]
All: UNCLE QUIGLEY!
SO, HOW WAS YOUR DATE?
[OINK]
DON'T WORRY, UNCLE QUIG.
THESE KINDS OF SPELLS
WEAR OFF IN A DAY...
USUALLY.
[QUIGLEY SQUEALING]
THINK HE'LL EVER
FORGIVE US?
MORE IMPORTANTLY,
DO YOU THINK HE'LL USE
MY LITTER BOX?
I GOT IT ALL ARRANGED
JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.
SO, PORKY,
AREN'T YOU GONNA HAVE BACON
WITH THOSE EGGS?
HEE HEE HEE.
NOT FUNNY.
AND THE LESS SAID
BY YOU, THE BETTER.
I JUST KNOW SOMEHOW
THAT NIGHTMARE DATE
WAS YOUR IDEA.
IF I EVER FIND OUT--
ME?
HEY, I NEVER MEDDLE IN
THE ROMANCES OF FARM ANIMALS.
SAY, ISN'T TONIGHT
YOUR FIRST FAMILY FUN NIGHT?
YES, IT IS!
I'M TAKING THE GIRLS
TO A LECTURE
ON AGRICULTURAL TRADE
POLICY
BY THE ASSISTANT
DEPUTY SECRETARY
TO THE DEPUTY PRIME
MINSTER OF CANADA!
THAT OUGHT TO
PACK 'EM IN.
TOO BAD THEY
DON'T ALLOW PETS.
BUT I BET THE GIRLS
ARE LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE BIG NIGHT.
TELL ME WE'RE NOT ABOUT
TO SPEND SATURDAY NIGHT
AT A LECTURE.
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
THE WITCH WOMAN IDEA
WAS SUCH A DISASTER.
YOU KNOW,
MAYBE IT DIDN'T WORK
BECAUSE SHE WASN'T
UNCLE QUIGLEY'S CHOICE.
MAYBE IF HE HAD A DATE
WITH SOMEONE HE LIKED
IN THE FIRST PLACE,
IT MIGHT STAND A CHANCE.
BUT WHO DOES HE LIKE?
HE'S SO SECRETIVE
ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.
LEAVE THAT TO ME.
I'M GOOD WITH SECRETS.
UNCOVERING THEM, THAT IS,
NOT KEEPING THEM.
WHEN I CAST
A FREEZE FRAME SPELL,
THEY FREEZE.
USUALLY.
HE NEVER
SAW IT COMING.
AND THEY SAY
CATS ARE SNEAKY.
IT'S FOR
HIS OWN GOOD, SALEM.
NOW, HOW DO WE FIND OUT
WHO HE LIKES?
SIMPLE!
WE LOOK
INTO HIS HEART.
VOILÁ!
A LIST OF UNCLE QUIGLEY'S
SECRET LOVES.
HMM...
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,
RUTH BADER GINSBERG,
QUEEN LATIFAH?
HEY, QUIGLEY HAS A CRUSH
ON MARTHA STEWART!
[QUIGLEY SNORING]
NO GOOD. WHO ELSE?
HUH?
CORINTHIA BLEACHSTAIN?
MY JUNIOR HIGH
PRINCIPAL?
HE LIKES HER?
GROSS!
[MURMURING]
MOMMY?
QUICK,
HE'S COMING TO!
WHA?
[YAWNS]
HOW LONG
HAVE I BEEN NAPPING?
IT'S SO UNLIKE ME.
UNCLE QUIG, I THINK
YOU'RE SLEEPING MORE
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEPRESSED.
YOU NEED SOME EXCITEMENT
IN YOUR LIFE.
LIKE A DATE
WITH SOMEONE SPECIAL,
LIKE, OH, I DON'T KNOW,
CORINTHIAN BACKSTRAIN?
CORINTHIA
BLEACHSTAIN?
WORD AROUND SCHOOL
IS SHE THINKS
YOU'RE CUTE.
SHE DOES?
OH, BUT SHE WOULD NEVER
GO OUT WITH...
SAY, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
I'D BE INTERESTED IN HER?
UM, CALL IT
FEMALE INTUITION.
SPEAKING OF CALLING,
[TELEPHONE DIALING]
I CALLED HER FOR YOU.
IT'S RINGING!
UH, WAIT,
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.
THIS IS--
THIS IS QUIGLEY.
[INDISTINCT BABBLING]
OH, WHY, YES,
IT IS A SURPRISE.
I--I WAS JUST WONDERING,
UH, UM, IF YOU,
UH, IF YOU, UH...
IF YOU WOULD GO, UH, OUT,
UH, TO DINNER WITH ME,
UH, TONIGHT.
[INDISTINCT BABBLING]
I QUITE UNDERSTAND.
UH, GOOD-BYE.
YES! SHE SAID YES!
I'VE ONLY GOT 11 HOURS
TO GET READY!
IS THAT TIME ENOUGH
FOR A HAIR WEAVE?
All: WHOO WHOO WHOO!
Quigley: OH, LADIES...
WE MUST DISCUSS
YOUR TENDENCY
TO INTERFERE WITH
MY PERSONAL LIFE...
WHEN I HAVE MORE TIME.
Zelda: WELL, WE'RE OFF.
WE'RE GOING TO MARS
FOR A CANAL BOAT RIDE.
SORT OF AN INTERPLANETARY
SINGLES CRUISE.
I HOPE
THE SAYING'S TRUE--
REAL MEN ARE FROM MARS.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, SABRINA?
ALL MY FRIENDS WERE BUSY.
BUT THAT'S OK,
TV AND MICROWAVE POPCORN
BEATS A LECTURE EVERY TIME.
DON'T WAIT UP FOR US.
AND MAKE SURE QUIGLEY
ISN'T LATE TO MEET HIS DATE.
YOU KNOW, I'M WORRIED.
I MEAN, UNCLE QUIG WAS
SO NERVOUS ON THE PHONE,
AND IF HE BOTCHES
THIS DATE,
WE MIGHT AS WELL
CROSS SATURDAY NIGHT
OFF THE CALENDAR
FOREVER.
SABRINA,
YOU'RE MEDDLING AGAIN!
BUT UNCLE QUIGLEY
NEEDS HELP.
OUR HELP.
LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.
BESIDES,
WHERE WOULD YOU START?
I'D START
WITH HIS CLOTHES.
HE ALWAYS WEARS
THAT LUMPY OLD JACKET.
HE SHOULD WEAR
SOMETHING...
SOMETHING COOL.
[WHISTLES]
LOOKING GOOD.
UNCLE QUIGLEY?
IS THAT A NEW SUIT?
IT'S NOT MINE.
I MUST HAVE PICKED UP
THE WRONG BAG
AT THE DRY CLEANERS.
WELL, GOOD THING
IT FITS,
I HAVE NOTHING ELSE
TO WEAR.
WOW, LUCKY MISTAKE!
I'LL TAKE IT BACK
FOR YOU TOMORROW.
WELL, MUSTN'T KEEP
MS. BLEACHSTAIN WAITING.
WISH ME LUCK.
OH, I'M SURE
YOU'LL ROCK HER WORLD.
JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING
I WOULDN'T DO, TIGER.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
HE'S A NERVOUS WRECK!
HE DOES NEED OUR HELP.
WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST,
WE RIDE ALONG
ON THEIR DATE?
GREAT IDEA!
NO!
KIDDING!
DON'T!
ME AND MY BIG MOUTH.
[DOOR OPENS]
SHH!
HE'S COMING.
[SPUTTERS]
[WHEEZES]
YOU KNOW, THIS OLD CAR
REALLY DOESN'T GO
WITH HIS NEW SUIT.
THAT CAN BE FIXED
WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM THE GARAGE
DOOR OPENER.
AH, STOP IT.
AH, STOP!
[ENGINE GROWLS]
OH, MY.
I SUPPOSE I'LL JUST
HAVE TO DRIVE IT AS IS.
Salem:
WHY DO I BOTHER?
THIS MAN HAS ZERO
SENSE OF STYLE.
Sabrina: SHH.
[BELL RINGS]
ARRIVING EMPTY-HANDED.
NO WONDER
HE'S AN OLD BACHELOR.
YIKES, YOU'RE RIGHT!
HUH?
QUIGLEY!
FOR ME?
OH, HOW SWEET.
Quigley: Y--YES,
MISS BLEACHSTAIN,
UH, FOR YOU.
I'LL GO GET MY COAT.
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW
YOU'RE OUT THERE.
HILDA? ZELDA?
SABRINA!
SOMEBODY'S
MAKING MAGIC,
AND I WANT IT
TO STOP THIS--
Corinthia: DID YOU
SAY SOMETHING?
HUH?
WHO, ME? NO...
SHALL WE GO?
Corinthia: QUIGLEY?
LET'S NOT DAWDLE.
CALL ME GLOOMY GUS,
BUT HE DIDN'T SOUND
TOO GRATEFUL.
OH, THAT'S JUST
FIRST DATE JITTERS.
THIS IS SO ROMANTIC!
IT'S LIKE
A ROMEO AND JULIET THING.
AND WE ALL KNOW
HOW THAT TURNED OUT.
COME ON!
I'LL MEET YOU
AT THE RESTAURANT.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
IT'S LIKE AN ACCIDENT.
YOU JUST GOTTA WATCH!
Corinthia: QUIGLEY,
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE
SOMEONE'S AFTER YOU.
YES. I MEAN NO.
I MEAN,
I THOUGHT THERE MIGHT
BE SOMEONE HERE I KNOW,
BUT THEY WOULDN'T
DARE MEDDLE
IN MY PERSONAL AFFAIRS.
NOT IF THEY DON'T WANT
TO BE GROUNDED FOR LIFE!
QUIGLEY, WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
NOTHING. UH, IT BETTER
BE NOTHING.
WELL, UM, WHAT LOOKS
GOOD TONIGHT?
YOU HEARD THE MAN.
WE BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.
WE'LL LEAVE
JUST AS SOON AS I'M SURE
THE DATE'S GOING OK,
OK?
WELL, IT BETTER NOT
BE TOO LONG.
THIS PEPPER'S MAKING--
AHH-AHH--
AH-CHOO!
Both: GESUNDHEIT.
Waitress, French accent:
BON SOIR.
MADAME AND MONSIEUR
ARE READY TO ORDER, NO?
NO. I MEAN YES.
I MEAN, I THINK
I'D LIKE TO START
WITH THE, UM...
VEE-JEE SWARAY
BUGA-VILYA.
MONSIEUR!
MAKE THE LITTLE JOKE?
YOU JUST ORDERED
AN APPENDECTOMY.
I DID? WELL,
I'LL HAVE, UM...
EH, WELL,
I'LL HAVE, UM...
[IN A DEEP VOICE]
WE'LL START OUT
WITH CHILLED
CONSOMMÉ FOIE,
FOLLOWED BY
BOEUF BOURGUIGNON,
WITH CRÈME BRULÉE
FLAMBÉ FOR DESSERT.
AND BRING A BOTTLE
OF YOUR BEST BUBBLY.
IT IS AN HONOR
TO SERVE YOU, MONSIEUR.
WHY, QUIGLEY,
WHAT DID YOU ORDER?
DINNER, I THINK.
NOT TOO SHABBY,
CHERIE.
THINK SO?
WATCH THIS.
MAY I HAVE
THIS DANCE?
DANCE? HA HA.
I DON'T HEAR
ANY MUSIC.
DANCE WITH ME,
CORINTHIA.
THIS IS THE MOST
ROMANTIC THING I'VE SEEN
SINCE THAT BIG
SINKING BOAT.
I'LL JUST PUT SOME ICING
ON THIS CAKE.
[PURRS]
QUIGLEY.
OH! OH, MY.
♪ MISS BLEACHSTAIN ♪
♪ I HAVE YOU
ON THE BRAIN ♪
CAREFUL NOW.
♪ YOU ARE
MY HEART'S REFRAIN ♪
WHAT'S HAPPENING
TO YOU?
♪ I KNOW THAT
I'LL GO INSANE ♪
♪ UNLESS I GAIN ♪
♪ THE LOVE OF YOU ♪
♪ MY OWN BLEACHSTAIN ♪
QUIGLEY, ENOUGH NOW.
EASY.
Corinthia:
QUIGLEY, THAT DANCE!
THAT SONG!
I'VE NEVER BEEN
SO EMBARRASSED
IN MY LIFE!
HOW DARE YOU MAKE
SUCH A SPECTACLE!
BUT I DIDN'T MEAN TO--
YES, YOU DID!
LOOK AT YOU!
YOUR SUIT, YOUR CAR,
YOUR IMPECCABLE FRENCH.
WHY, YOU'RE NOTHING
BUT A--
BUT A 2-BIT
LOUNGE LIZARD!
HUH?
Sabrina:
THIS IS AWFUL!
I GOT TO MAKE
BLEACHSTAIN
LIKE UNCLE QUIGLEY NOW!
I GOT TO MAKE HIM
IRRESISTIBLE.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
SO HUMILIATED.
I'LL JUST PAY
FOR MY HALF AND LEAVE.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
I THINK I LOVE YOU.
QUIGLEY, LET'S TALK
ABOUT US.
MISS BLEACHSTAIN, UH,
CORINTHIA,
I-I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
Woman: DON'T SAY
ANYTHING TO HER!
TALK TO ME, CUTIE-PIE.
NO, YOU DON'T!
I SAW HIM FIRST!
I THINK YOU MADE HIM
A TAD TOO IRRESISTIBLE.
HE'S ATTRACTING EVERY
MIDDLE-AGED LADY
IN THE JOINT.
[WOMEN ARGUING]
SILENCE!
THIS IS A HIGH CLASS
ESTABLISHMENT.
BESIDES, HE'S MINE!
[SCREAMING]
GIRLS,
HE'S GETTING AWAY!
HUH?
SABRINA, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE DONE?
IT'S QUIGLEY MANIA!
[PANTING]
Man: HEY...
AAH! AAH!
HUH?
SO, IT'S YOU 2?
HEH. QUIG.
FANCY MEETING
YOU HERE.
YOU HAD TO DO IT.
YOU HAD
TO RUIN MY DATE
WITH YOUR MEDDLING
AND YOUR WITCHCRAFT.
I'M SORRY,
UNCLE QUIG.
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP.
WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER.
JUST FIX IT. UNDO
WHATEVER YOU DID.
OK. BUT I'LL NEED
SOME HELP.
SALEM, DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD PAGE
HILDA AND ZELDA?
WILL DO.
[GRUNTS]
HEH HEH.
WHAT TOOK YOU
SO LONG?
WHY? IS SOMETHING
WRONG?
SABRINA PUT A SPELL
ON QUIGLEY TO MAKE HIM
IRRESISTIBLE,
AND NOW THERE'S A MOB
OF CRAZED WOMEN
TEARING UP THE THEATER.
WHEW.
OH, IS THAT ALL?
YOU GUYS TAKE CARE
OF QUIGLEY.
WE'LL HANDLE
THE WOMEN.
DON'T MOVE. I WANT
TO GET THIS RIGHT.
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
WE INTERRUPT THIS MOVIE
TO BRING YOU
A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.
YOU ARE GETTING DROWSY.
YOU WILL REMEMBER NOTHING
OF THIS EVENING
BUT GOING
TO THE MOVIES.
IS IT WORKING?
AM I BACK TO NORMAL?
YOU CERTAINLY LOOK
RESISTIBLE TO ME.
HE BETTER BE.
THE MOVIE
JUST ENDED.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
I DON'T KNOW.
THANKS TO ZELDA
AND ME,
BLEACHSTAIN DOESN'T
REMEMBER A THING.
IT'S JUST AS WELL.
TURNS OUT SHE'S NOT
MY TYPE AFTER ALL.
WELL, UH,
LOOK AT THE TIME.
IF WE HURRY,
WE CAN CATCH THE END
OF THE LECTURE.
Olympia: QUIGLEY?
OLYMPIA?
MISS PEPLUM?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
IN ACAPULCO
WITH THAT CANDY MAN.
OH, HE WAS SWEET,
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
MY, DON'T YOU LOOK
HANDSOME IN THAT UNIFORM?
OH, QUIGLEY,
I'D GIVE ANYTHING
TO HAVE
OUR SATURDAY NIGHTS BACK.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
OF COURSE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE START NOW
WITH THE LATE SHOW?
DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME.
IT'S A DOUBLE FEATURE.
WOW. WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
OUR SATURDAY NIGHTS
ARE SAFE AGAIN.
MAYBE WE BETTER
FOLLOW THEM
JUST TO MAKE SURE
THINGS GO RIGHT.
NO!
NO!
AUNT HILDA, I THINK
QUIGLEY'S OLD ENOUGH
TO HANDLE
HIS OWN LOVE LIFE,
WITHOUT OUR HELP.
YEP. WE'VE MEDDLED
OUR LAST MEDDLE.
YOU CAN LEARN A LOT
BEING A PINK FLAMINGO.
SORRY WE RUINED
YOUR DATE ON MARS.
IT'S OK. I WAS WITH
A GUY WITH 8 ARMS,
AND HE COULDN'T KEEP
ANY TO HIMSELF.
YOU KNOW, THIS MOVIE
LOOKED PRETTY GOOD.
WANT TO CATCH
THE LATE SHOW?
OK, BUT LET'S NOT
SIT TOO CLOSE
TO THE SCREEN.
I GET A NECK ACHE.
OH, NO. YOU AND SABRINA
HAVE TO STAY.
SOMEBODY HAS TO WATCH
THE CANDY COUNTER.
WHY ISN'T ANYBODY
WORKING AROUND HERE?
HEY, OLYMPIA!
[LAUGHTER]
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
FREAKS.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
DIC ENTERTAINMENT
♪ SHE'S GOT
A SUPERSTAR CAT ♪
♪ WHO KNOWS
WHERE IT'S AT ♪
♪ STAND UP
AND RAISE YOUR HAT ♪
♪ SHE'S A SPELLBOUND
ACROBAT ♪
♪ SO HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ SHE'S THE GREATEST ♪
♪ FOR SUPER MAGIC
CALL SABRINA ♪
♪ HERE COMES THE FUN NOW ♪
♪ ARE YOU READY? ♪
♪ COME HAVE A RIDE ♪
♪ GET HAPPY ♪
♪ SO HAVE YOU SEEN HER? ♪
♪ SHE'S THE GREATEST ♪
♪ FOR SUPER MAGIC
CALL SABRINA ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
SHE'LL BEWITCH YOU ♪
♪ SABRINA ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
SHE'LL BEWITCH YOU ♪
♪ SABRINA ♪
♪ YOU BETTER WATCH OUT,
SHE'LL BEWITCH YOU ♪
HA HA!
♪ SHE'S THE GREATEST ♪
♪ SABRINA ♪
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♪ DUM DE DUM DUM DUM ♪
Aunt Hilda: ZELDA!
I NEED THIS FOR MY
DATE SATURDAY NIGHT!
NO WAY!
I'M WEARING IT
SATURDAY NIGHT.
REMEMBER, GIRLS,
NO BITING, HEAD BUTTING,
OR VOODOO CURSES.
SO, SATURDAY I'M TREATING
HARVEY TO A MOVIE AT THE--
Zelda: HILDA--
HUH?
AH!
YEOW!
[CRASH]
Zelda: ICKY, ICKY, ICKY!
OH, SO MUCH FOR CATS ALWAYS
LANDING ON THEIR FEET.
LISTEN, I'M NOT GONNA
TELL YOU AGAIN--
[ALL SHOUTING]
WHAT IS ALL THIS?
QUIET, EVERYONE,
ONE AT A TIME.
ONE AT A TIME!
IT'S ZELDA'S FAULT.
SHE'S BEING STINGY
AND TRYING TO RUIN MY DATE
SATURDAY NIGHT.
IT'S MY JACKET,
AND I'M GONNA WEAR IT ON
MY DATE SATURDAY NIGHT.
I WAS ON THE PHONE,
PLANNING MY SATURDAY NIGHT.
SATURDAY, SHMATURDAY!
THEY STEPPED ON MY TAIL!
IT'S NUMB, AND I GET
A SHOOTING PAIN
WHENEVER I COUGH.
[COUGHS]
NOW, EVERYONE
JUST SETTLE DOWN.
THERE'S NO NEED
TO ARGUE,
BECAUSE, FROM NOW ON,
WE'RE SPENDING EVERY
SATURDAY NIGHT TOGETHER.
All: HUH?
I'VE DECIDED TO REINSTATE
FAMILY FUN NIGHT!
OH, MAN.
OH, NO...
Hilda: JUST SHOOT ME NOW.
FAMILY FUN NIGHT?
B--BUT, UNCLE QUIGLEY,
WE ALREADY TRIED THAT.
IT WAS SO NOT FUN.
NOW, WE NEVER REALLY
GAVE IT A CHANCE.
YOU KNOW, WE ALL GET SO DARN
BUSY WITH OUR OWN LIVES,
WE FORGET WE'RE A FAMILY!
SO I SAY WE START SPENDING
SATURDAY NIGHTS TOGETHER.
HEY, WAIT A MINUTE,
WHAT HAPPENED
TO MISS PEPLUM?
[STAMMERING]
UH, UM, PEPLUM,
NAME DOESN'T RING A BELL.
OLYMPIA PEPLUM?
YOU KNOW, THAT NICE LADY
FROM THE GARDEN CLUB
YOU GO
TO THE MOVIES WITH
EVERY SATURDAY NIGHT?
COME ON, QUIG, SPILL.
Zelda: WHAT HAPPENED?
OH, ALL RIGHT,
ALL RIGHT.
[SIGHS] SHE...
SHE RAN OFF
TO ACAPULCO WITH...
THE CANDY COUNTER MAN.
AHA!
SHE ALWAYS DID
HAVE A WEAKNESS
FOR MEN IN UNIFORM.
SAY NO MORE, QUIGS.
I'VE GOT THE PERFECT
WOMAN FOR YOU.
AND SHE'S
JUST AT THAT AGE
WHERE SHE'S GETTING TOO
OLD FOR PRO WRESTING!
Quigley: HOLD IT!
STOP RIGHT THERE.
YOU WILL NOT,
I REPEAT, NOT,
MEDDLE IN
MY LOVE LIFE, HILDA!
I KNEW IT,
HE'S STILL MAD ABOUT
THAT BLIND DATE
WITH THE CANNIBAL.
ANYWAY, THIS ISN'T
JUST ABOUT ME.
I ALSO HAPPEN TO FEEL
THIS FAMILY NEEDS
SOME QUALITY TIME
TOGETHER.
NOW, TO START WITH,
I HAVE TICKETS
THIS SATURDAY
FOR ALL OF US
TO ATTEND
A SLIDESHOW
AT THE GARDEN CLUB.
ROOT ROT, FRIEND OR FOE?
AND, IN THE WEEKS
TO COME,
WE'LL BE SEEING
A BARBERSHOP QUARTET CONCERT,
A DEBATE
ON THE METRIC SYSTEM,
AND A TAG TEAM
MAHJONG MARATHON.
UNCLE QUIGS, YOU CAN'T TAKE
AWAY OUR SATURDAY NIGHTS.
IT'S NOT FAIR!
NONSENSE, WITCHES LIVE
PRACTICALLY FOREVER.
YOU'LL HAVE AN ETERNITY
OF SATURDAY NIGHTS
TO DO WHATEVER YOU WANT.
FOR NOW, GET READY
FOR FAMILY FUN!
EACH ONE OF THOSE NIGHTS
IS GONNA SEEM LIKE
AN ETERNITY.
THE ANSWER IS SIMPLE.
AS WE SAID,
QUIGLEY NEEDS A GIRLFRIEND.
BUT HE TOLD US NOT TO MEDDLE
IN HIS LOVE LIFE.
NO, HE TOLD YOU
NOT TO MEDDLE.
THAT JUST LEAVES MORE
MEDDLING FOR THE REST OF US.
Salem: GOT THAT?
READ IT BACK.
S.W.M.--
THAT'S SHORT
WRINKLED MORTAL--
SEEKS S.W.F.--
THAT'S STUNNING
WITCH FEMALE--
FOR ROMANCE, ADVENTURE,
AND SOMETHING TO DO
ON SATURDAY NIGHTS.
R.S.V.P. IMMEDIATELY.
NO NOSE RINGS
OR TATTOOS.
PERFECT!
I DON'T KNOW,
ARE YOU SURE
UNCLE QUIGLEY
SHOULD BE DATING
A WITCH?
HEY, IF WE'RE GONNA
GET HIM OUT OF OUR HAIR,
HE HAS TO MEET
A REALLY FUN WOMAN.
AND EVERYONE KNOWS
THERE'S NO MORE FUN
THAN A WITCH!
ONE PERSONAL AD ON ITS WAY
TO THE NETHERWORLD,
SPECIAL DELIVERY.
[CAWING]
NOW, ALL WE DO
IS WAIT.
[DOORBELL RINGS]
OH!
BUT NOT FOR LONG.
QUIGLEY, I PRESUME?
UH, Y--YES?
MM, GOOD,
I LIKE 'EM PUDGY.
I'M CIRCE, YOUR
STUNNING WITCH FEMALE.
READY FOR OUR DATE
IN THE NETHERWORLD?
HUH? DATE?
NETHERWORLD?
WH--WHAT ARE YOU
TALKING AB--
Hilda: ALL RIGHT!
[ALL SPEAKING
IN STRANGE LANGUAGES]
W--WAIT,
WHO ARE YOU?
W--WHAT
IS THIS PLACE?
JUST YOUR NORMAL
SUSHI BAR.
ALL YOU CAN EAT...
OR BE EATEN.
LET'S GO.
AH!
[SCREAMS]
YEE-OW!
YEE-OW!
YEE-OW!
YEE-AHH!!
[SCREAMING]
NOW WHAT?
I THOUGHT YOU SAID
YOU LIKED MUSEUMS?
MAKE THEM GO AWAY!
YEE-AH!
BUT YOUR AD SAID
YOU WERE LOOKING
FOR ADVENTURE.
AD? WHAT AD?
I HOPE YOU DIDN'T LIE.
DO YOU KNOW WHAT I DO
TO MEN WHO DECEIVE ME?
[SIGHS]
ISN'T UNCLE QUIGLEY
BACK YET?
[YAWNS]
HE'S NEVER BEEN OUT
THIS LATE BEFORE.
HE'S NEVER EVEN BEEN
UP THIS LATE BEFORE.
[YAWNS]
MAYBE WE GOT LUCKY
AND THEY ELOPED.
THAT MUST BE THEM NOW!
THAT'S FUNNY,
THERE'S NOBODY--
HUH?
SAY, ISN'T CIRCE
THE WITCH
WHO TURNS MEN INTO...
[OINK]
All: UNCLE QUIGLEY!
SO, HOW WAS YOUR DATE?
[OINK]
DON'T WORRY, UNCLE QUIG.
THESE KINDS OF SPELLS
WEAR OFF IN A DAY...
USUALLY.
[QUIGLEY SQUEALING]
THINK HE'LL EVER
FORGIVE US?
MORE IMPORTANTLY,
DO YOU THINK HE'LL USE
MY LITTER BOX?
I GOT IT ALL ARRANGED
JUST THE WAY I LIKE IT.
SO, PORKY,
AREN'T YOU GONNA HAVE BACON
WITH THOSE EGGS?
HEE HEE HEE.
NOT FUNNY.
AND THE LESS SAID
BY YOU, THE BETTER.
I JUST KNOW SOMEHOW
THAT NIGHTMARE DATE
WAS YOUR IDEA.
IF I EVER FIND OUT--
ME?
HEY, I NEVER MEDDLE IN
THE ROMANCES OF FARM ANIMALS.
SAY, ISN'T TONIGHT
YOUR FIRST FAMILY FUN NIGHT?
YES, IT IS!
I'M TAKING THE GIRLS
TO A LECTURE
ON AGRICULTURAL TRADE
POLICY
BY THE ASSISTANT
DEPUTY SECRETARY
TO THE DEPUTY PRIME
MINSTER OF CANADA!
THAT OUGHT TO
PACK 'EM IN.
TOO BAD THEY
DON'T ALLOW PETS.
BUT I BET THE GIRLS
ARE LOOKING FORWARD
TO THE BIG NIGHT.
TELL ME WE'RE NOT ABOUT
TO SPEND SATURDAY NIGHT
AT A LECTURE.
I STILL CAN'T BELIEVE
THE WITCH WOMAN IDEA
WAS SUCH A DISASTER.
YOU KNOW,
MAYBE IT DIDN'T WORK
BECAUSE SHE WASN'T
UNCLE QUIGLEY'S CHOICE.
MAYBE IF HE HAD A DATE
WITH SOMEONE HE LIKED
IN THE FIRST PLACE,
IT MIGHT STAND A CHANCE.
BUT WHO DOES HE LIKE?
HE'S SO SECRETIVE
ABOUT THINGS LIKE THAT.
LEAVE THAT TO ME.
I'M GOOD WITH SECRETS.
UNCOVERING THEM, THAT IS,
NOT KEEPING THEM.
WHEN I CAST
A FREEZE FRAME SPELL,
THEY FREEZE.
USUALLY.
HE NEVER
SAW IT COMING.
AND THEY SAY
CATS ARE SNEAKY.
IT'S FOR
HIS OWN GOOD, SALEM.
NOW, HOW DO WE FIND OUT
WHO HE LIKES?
SIMPLE!
WE LOOK
INTO HIS HEART.
VOILÁ!
A LIST OF UNCLE QUIGLEY'S
SECRET LOVES.
HMM...
ELEANOR ROOSEVELT,
RUTH BADER GINSBERG,
QUEEN LATIFAH?
HEY, QUIGLEY HAS A CRUSH
ON MARTHA STEWART!
[QUIGLEY SNORING]
NO GOOD. WHO ELSE?
HUH?
CORINTHIA BLEACHSTAIN?
MY JUNIOR HIGH
PRINCIPAL?
HE LIKES HER?
GROSS!
[MURMURING]
MOMMY?
QUICK,
HE'S COMING TO!
WHA?
[YAWNS]
HOW LONG
HAVE I BEEN NAPPING?
IT'S SO UNLIKE ME.
UNCLE QUIG, I THINK
YOU'RE SLEEPING MORE
BECAUSE YOU'RE DEPRESSED.
YOU NEED SOME EXCITEMENT
IN YOUR LIFE.
LIKE A DATE
WITH SOMEONE SPECIAL,
LIKE, OH, I DON'T KNOW,
CORINTHIAN BACKSTRAIN?
CORINTHIA
BLEACHSTAIN?
WORD AROUND SCHOOL
IS SHE THINKS
YOU'RE CUTE.
SHE DOES?
OH, BUT SHE WOULD NEVER
GO OUT WITH...
SAY, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK
I'D BE INTERESTED IN HER?
UM, CALL IT
FEMALE INTUITION.
SPEAKING OF CALLING,
[TELEPHONE DIALING]
I CALLED HER FOR YOU.
IT'S RINGING!
UH, WAIT,
THIS IS UNACCEPTABLE.
THIS IS OUTRAGEOUS.
THIS IS--
THIS IS QUIGLEY.
[INDISTINCT BABBLING]
OH, WHY, YES,
IT IS A SURPRISE.
I--I WAS JUST WONDERING,
UH, UM, IF YOU,
UH, IF YOU, UH...
IF YOU WOULD GO, UH, OUT,
UH, TO DINNER WITH ME,
UH, TONIGHT.
[INDISTINCT BABBLING]
I QUITE UNDERSTAND.
UH, GOOD-BYE.
YES! SHE SAID YES!
I'VE ONLY GOT 11 HOURS
TO GET READY!
IS THAT TIME ENOUGH
FOR A HAIR WEAVE?
All: WHOO WHOO WHOO!
Quigley: OH, LADIES...
WE MUST DISCUSS
YOUR TENDENCY
TO INTERFERE WITH
MY PERSONAL LIFE...
WHEN I HAVE MORE TIME.
Zelda: WELL, WE'RE OFF.
WE'RE GOING TO MARS
FOR A CANAL BOAT RIDE.
SORT OF AN INTERPLANETARY
SINGLES CRUISE.
I HOPE
THE SAYING'S TRUE--
REAL MEN ARE FROM MARS.
WHAT ABOUT YOU, SABRINA?
ALL MY FRIENDS WERE BUSY.
BUT THAT'S OK,
TV AND MICROWAVE POPCORN
BEATS A LECTURE EVERY TIME.
DON'T WAIT UP FOR US.
AND MAKE SURE QUIGLEY
ISN'T LATE TO MEET HIS DATE.
YOU KNOW, I'M WORRIED.
I MEAN, UNCLE QUIG WAS
SO NERVOUS ON THE PHONE,
AND IF HE BOTCHES
THIS DATE,
WE MIGHT AS WELL
CROSS SATURDAY NIGHT
OFF THE CALENDAR
FOREVER.
SABRINA,
YOU'RE MEDDLING AGAIN!
BUT UNCLE QUIGLEY
NEEDS HELP.
OUR HELP.
LEAVE ME OUT OF THIS.
BESIDES,
WHERE WOULD YOU START?
I'D START
WITH HIS CLOTHES.
HE ALWAYS WEARS
THAT LUMPY OLD JACKET.
HE SHOULD WEAR
SOMETHING...
SOMETHING COOL.
[WHISTLES]
LOOKING GOOD.
UNCLE QUIGLEY?
IS THAT A NEW SUIT?
IT'S NOT MINE.
I MUST HAVE PICKED UP
THE WRONG BAG
AT THE DRY CLEANERS.
WELL, GOOD THING
IT FITS,
I HAVE NOTHING ELSE
TO WEAR.
WOW, LUCKY MISTAKE!
I'LL TAKE IT BACK
FOR YOU TOMORROW.
WELL, MUSTN'T KEEP
MS. BLEACHSTAIN WAITING.
WISH ME LUCK.
OH, I'M SURE
YOU'LL ROCK HER WORLD.
JUST DON'T DO ANYTHING
I WOULDN'T DO, TIGER.
DID YOU SEE THAT?
HE'S A NERVOUS WRECK!
HE DOES NEED OUR HELP.
WHAT DO YOU SUGGEST,
WE RIDE ALONG
ON THEIR DATE?
GREAT IDEA!
NO!
KIDDING!
DON'T!
ME AND MY BIG MOUTH.
[DOOR OPENS]
SHH!
HE'S COMING.
[SPUTTERS]
[WHEEZES]
YOU KNOW, THIS OLD CAR
REALLY DOESN'T GO
WITH HIS NEW SUIT.
THAT CAN BE FIXED
WITH A LITTLE HELP
FROM THE GARAGE
DOOR OPENER.
AH, STOP IT.
AH, STOP!
[ENGINE GROWLS]
OH, MY.
I SUPPOSE I'LL JUST
HAVE TO DRIVE IT AS IS.
Salem:
WHY DO I BOTHER?
THIS MAN HAS ZERO
SENSE OF STYLE.
Sabrina: SHH.
[BELL RINGS]
ARRIVING EMPTY-HANDED.
NO WONDER
HE'S AN OLD BACHELOR.
YIKES, YOU'RE RIGHT!
HUH?
QUIGLEY!
FOR ME?
OH, HOW SWEET.
Quigley: Y--YES,
MISS BLEACHSTAIN,
UH, FOR YOU.
I'LL GO GET MY COAT.
ALL RIGHT, I KNOW
YOU'RE OUT THERE.
HILDA? ZELDA?
SABRINA!
SOMEBODY'S
MAKING MAGIC,
AND I WANT IT
TO STOP THIS--
Corinthia: DID YOU
SAY SOMETHING?
HUH?
WHO, ME? NO...
SHALL WE GO?
Corinthia: QUIGLEY?
LET'S NOT DAWDLE.
CALL ME GLOOMY GUS,
BUT HE DIDN'T SOUND
TOO GRATEFUL.
OH, THAT'S JUST
FIRST DATE JITTERS.
THIS IS SO ROMANTIC!
IT'S LIKE
A ROMEO AND JULIET THING.
AND WE ALL KNOW
HOW THAT TURNED OUT.
COME ON!
I'LL MEET YOU
AT THE RESTAURANT.
WHAT CAN I SAY?
IT'S LIKE AN ACCIDENT.
YOU JUST GOTTA WATCH!
Corinthia: QUIGLEY,
IS SOMETHING WRONG?
YOU'RE ACTING LIKE
SOMEONE'S AFTER YOU.
YES. I MEAN NO.
I MEAN,
I THOUGHT THERE MIGHT
BE SOMEONE HERE I KNOW,
BUT THEY WOULDN'T
DARE MEDDLE
IN MY PERSONAL AFFAIRS.
NOT IF THEY DON'T WANT
TO BE GROUNDED FOR LIFE!
QUIGLEY, WHAT ON EARTH
ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?
NOTHING. UH, IT BETTER
BE NOTHING.
WELL, UM, WHAT LOOKS
GOOD TONIGHT?
YOU HEARD THE MAN.
WE BETTER GET OUT OF HERE.
WE'LL LEAVE
JUST AS SOON AS I'M SURE
THE DATE'S GOING OK,
OK?
WELL, IT BETTER NOT
BE TOO LONG.
THIS PEPPER'S MAKING--
AHH-AHH--
AH-CHOO!
Both: GESUNDHEIT.
Waitress, French accent:
BON SOIR.
MADAME AND MONSIEUR
ARE READY TO ORDER, NO?
NO. I MEAN YES.
I MEAN, I THINK
I'D LIKE TO START
WITH THE, UM...
VEE-JEE SWARAY
BUGA-VILYA.
MONSIEUR!
MAKE THE LITTLE JOKE?
YOU JUST ORDERED
AN APPENDECTOMY.
I DID? WELL,
I'LL HAVE, UM...
EH, WELL,
I'LL HAVE, UM...
[IN A DEEP VOICE]
WE'LL START OUT
WITH CHILLED
CONSOMMÉ FOIE,
FOLLOWED BY
BOEUF BOURGUIGNON,
WITH CRÈME BRULÉE
FLAMBÉ FOR DESSERT.
AND BRING A BOTTLE
OF YOUR BEST BUBBLY.
IT IS AN HONOR
TO SERVE YOU, MONSIEUR.
WHY, QUIGLEY,
WHAT DID YOU ORDER?
DINNER, I THINK.
NOT TOO SHABBY,
CHERIE.
THINK SO?
WATCH THIS.
MAY I HAVE
THIS DANCE?
DANCE? HA HA.
I DON'T HEAR
ANY MUSIC.
DANCE WITH ME,
CORINTHIA.
THIS IS THE MOST
ROMANTIC THING I'VE SEEN
SINCE THAT BIG
SINKING BOAT.
I'LL JUST PUT SOME ICING
ON THIS CAKE.
[PURRS]
QUIGLEY.
OH! OH, MY.
♪ MISS BLEACHSTAIN ♪
♪ I HAVE YOU
ON THE BRAIN ♪
CAREFUL NOW.
♪ YOU ARE
MY HEART'S REFRAIN ♪
WHAT'S HAPPENING
TO YOU?
♪ I KNOW THAT
I'LL GO INSANE ♪
♪ UNLESS I GAIN ♪
♪ THE LOVE OF YOU ♪
♪ MY OWN BLEACHSTAIN ♪
QUIGLEY, ENOUGH NOW.
EASY.
Corinthia:
QUIGLEY, THAT DANCE!
THAT SONG!
I'VE NEVER BEEN
SO EMBARRASSED
IN MY LIFE!
HOW DARE YOU MAKE
SUCH A SPECTACLE!
BUT I DIDN'T MEAN TO--
YES, YOU DID!
LOOK AT YOU!
YOUR SUIT, YOUR CAR,
YOUR IMPECCABLE FRENCH.
WHY, YOU'RE NOTHING
BUT A--
BUT A 2-BIT
LOUNGE LIZARD!
HUH?
Sabrina:
THIS IS AWFUL!
I GOT TO MAKE
BLEACHSTAIN
LIKE UNCLE QUIGLEY NOW!
I GOT TO MAKE HIM
IRRESISTIBLE.
I'VE NEVER BEEN
SO HUMILIATED.
I'LL JUST PAY
FOR MY HALF AND LEAVE.
ON THE OTHER HAND,
I THINK I LOVE YOU.
QUIGLEY, LET'S TALK
ABOUT US.
MISS BLEACHSTAIN, UH,
CORINTHIA,
I-I DON'T KNOW
WHAT TO SAY.
Woman: DON'T SAY
ANYTHING TO HER!
TALK TO ME, CUTIE-PIE.
NO, YOU DON'T!
I SAW HIM FIRST!
I THINK YOU MADE HIM
A TAD TOO IRRESISTIBLE.
HE'S ATTRACTING EVERY
MIDDLE-AGED LADY
IN THE JOINT.
[WOMEN ARGUING]
SILENCE!
THIS IS A HIGH CLASS
ESTABLISHMENT.
BESIDES, HE'S MINE!
[SCREAMING]
GIRLS,
HE'S GETTING AWAY!
HUH?
SABRINA, DO YOU KNOW
WHAT YOU'VE DONE?
IT'S QUIGLEY MANIA!
[PANTING]
Man: HEY...
AAH! AAH!
HUH?
SO, IT'S YOU 2?
HEH. QUIG.
FANCY MEETING
YOU HERE.
YOU HAD TO DO IT.
YOU HAD
TO RUIN MY DATE
WITH YOUR MEDDLING
AND YOUR WITCHCRAFT.
I'M SORRY,
UNCLE QUIG.
I WAS JUST TRYING
TO HELP.
WE'LL TALK
ABOUT THIS LATER.
JUST FIX IT. UNDO
WHATEVER YOU DID.
OK. BUT I'LL NEED
SOME HELP.
SALEM, DO YOU THINK
YOU COULD PAGE
HILDA AND ZELDA?
WILL DO.
[GRUNTS]
HEH HEH.
WHAT TOOK YOU
SO LONG?
WHY? IS SOMETHING
WRONG?
SABRINA PUT A SPELL
ON QUIGLEY TO MAKE HIM
IRRESISTIBLE,
AND NOW THERE'S A MOB
OF CRAZED WOMEN
TEARING UP THE THEATER.
WHEW.
OH, IS THAT ALL?
YOU GUYS TAKE CARE
OF QUIGLEY.
WE'LL HANDLE
THE WOMEN.
DON'T MOVE. I WANT
TO GET THIS RIGHT.
[WOMEN SCREAMING]
WE INTERRUPT THIS MOVIE
TO BRING YOU
A SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT.
YOU ARE GETTING DROWSY.
YOU WILL REMEMBER NOTHING
OF THIS EVENING
BUT GOING
TO THE MOVIES.
IS IT WORKING?
AM I BACK TO NORMAL?
YOU CERTAINLY LOOK
RESISTIBLE TO ME.
HE BETTER BE.
THE MOVIE
JUST ENDED.
[PEOPLE CHATTERING]
I DON'T KNOW.
THANKS TO ZELDA
AND ME,
BLEACHSTAIN DOESN'T
REMEMBER A THING.
IT'S JUST AS WELL.
TURNS OUT SHE'S NOT
MY TYPE AFTER ALL.
WELL, UH,
LOOK AT THE TIME.
IF WE HURRY,
WE CAN CATCH THE END
OF THE LECTURE.
Olympia: QUIGLEY?
OLYMPIA?
MISS PEPLUM?
I THOUGHT YOU WERE
IN ACAPULCO
WITH THAT CANDY MAN.
OH, HE WAS SWEET,
BUT IT DIDN'T WORK OUT.
MY, DON'T YOU LOOK
HANDSOME IN THAT UNIFORM?
OH, QUIGLEY,
I'D GIVE ANYTHING
TO HAVE
OUR SATURDAY NIGHTS BACK.
CAN YOU EVER FORGIVE ME?
OF COURSE.
WHAT DO YOU SAY
WE START NOW
WITH THE LATE SHOW?
DON'T WAIT UP FOR ME.
IT'S A DOUBLE FEATURE.
WOW. WHAT DO YOU KNOW?
OUR SATURDAY NIGHTS
ARE SAFE AGAIN.
MAYBE WE BETTER
FOLLOW THEM
JUST TO MAKE SURE
THINGS GO RIGHT.
NO!
NO!
AUNT HILDA, I THINK
QUIGLEY'S OLD ENOUGH
TO HANDLE
HIS OWN LOVE LIFE,
WITHOUT OUR HELP.
YEP. WE'VE MEDDLED
OUR LAST MEDDLE.
YOU CAN LEARN A LOT
BEING A PINK FLAMINGO.
SORRY WE RUINED
YOUR DATE ON MARS.
IT'S OK. I WAS WITH
A GUY WITH 8 ARMS,
AND HE COULDN'T KEEP
ANY TO HIMSELF.
YOU KNOW, THIS MOVIE
LOOKED PRETTY GOOD.
WANT TO CATCH
THE LATE SHOW?
OK, BUT LET'S NOT
SIT TOO CLOSE
TO THE SCREEN.
I GET A NECK ACHE.
OH, NO. YOU AND SABRINA
HAVE TO STAY.
SOMEBODY HAS TO WATCH
THE CANDY COUNTER.
WHY ISN'T ANYBODY
WORKING AROUND HERE?
HEY, OLYMPIA!
[LAUGHTER]
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
♪ DOO-DOO-DOO, DOO-DOO-DOO ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
♪ DAH, DAH, DAH ♪
FREAKS.
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