SMILF (2017–…): Season 2, Episode 3 - Surrogate Mothers Inspire Loving Families - full transcript

On the day of Ally's birthday, three parallel stories.

You're not stealing my Mary.

Your Mary?

Yeah, but you gotta carry her in, okay?


What are you gonna do with her?

Don't you try to steal her.

Holy shit.

I'm okay. No, I'm fine.

- Bridgette.
- I'm fine.

Hi, I'm back.

- Slow down. Slow down.
- Sorry.

Hi, guys, sorry we're late.

That was a long date.

Wi, wi!


Hey, wake up.

You promised me you're
gonna wake up early

and do your homework.

Okay, wake up.

"Took 25 from your purse."

Chrissy, what's a country

you wish to visit?

- Hmm, Fiji.
- Hmm, Fiji.

Besides your passport, what two things

do you always have in your carry-on?

Oh, sunglasses and La Mer.

- Mm, sunglasses and La Mer.
- Okay, uh,

what's the most overrated
food of all time?

Hmm, froyo.

You know I can hear you
two in there, right?

"You know I can hear you
two in there, right?"




You said it was sold out.

Oh, my God.


Hey, your mom said it's
time for breakfast.

Happy birthday, Auntie.

- Thank you.
- Happy birthday.

Thank you.

Excuse me, your bag.

Excuse me, could you move your bag?

Jo-Jo, Sie-Sie, I want to come in today.

My hair lookin' crazy.

Please call me back.

Nice sunglasses.

Oh, thanks.

I can't leave my house
without my sunglasses.

And La Mer.


Have a nice day.

Hey, Ida, do you want to
get me some more Cheerios?


My arm slipped.

Got it, 111,625.

That's right.

Good morning.

Elsie, do you know where
my riding boots are?

I can't find them anywhere.

Did you check the closet
where your shoes are?

Yes, I did, and they are not there.

I really hope nobody stole them.

Who'd steal your dumb riding boots?

Well, I don't know, Rivers.

There are a lot of people
in and out of this house.

Elsie, would you go
look for them, please?

- Okay.
- I have so many things

I have to keep track of,

like events, birthdays.

Happy birthday, Miss Ally.

Oh, you're sweet, thank you.

I'm gonna make your
favorite chicken dinner.

Oh, come on.

And you know what, Chloe?

I'm not gonna have any sweets today,

even though it's my birthday,
in solidarity with you.

Thanks, Mom.

Mm, did somebody forget
to wake up baby Scott?

He's still in D.C. with
his class, Miss Ally.

Oh, right.

Everybody always misses my birthday.

Oh, motherfucker.

- The fridge.
- What?

The new fridge is being delivered today.

You didn't tell me.

I most certainly did.

- I definitely did.
- You didn't tell me.

And now I'm 15 minutes
late for my riding lesson.

It's fine. I'll deal with it.

I wanted to do one thing
today, but it's okay.

- Elsie, empty the fridge!
- Okay.

Chloe, Rivers, let's go!


Seat belts.

Have a nice day.

- Bye.
- Bye.

Thank you so much.

Hey, Chloe, are you old
enough to babysit?

Hi, Larry. I can't.

- I have a date tonight.
- This'll help with your throat.

I do too.

Maybe I don't.

Can't find a babysitter.

Want to see a picture?

Hmm, he's cute.

Cuter than I normally like them.

Rafi's pretty attractive.

What is this date?

Karl, he asked me to go
to the movies tonight

with him and his friends.

Karl, from French class?

I know. It's my first date.

Can you roll me before your call?

I'll grab the pin.

Do you think this'll work by tonight?

Yes, my Tina would roll me
all the time back in Samoa,

just roll the fat away.

Breathe, girl.

I gotta go hard if you want
me to roll it all out.

I know.


I think it helped.

For real, I see a difference.

- Hi.
- Hi.


I know, I know.

What's on your face?

I went paintballing.

With who?


Who's Joseph?

Come on.

No one.

Are you humping him?

Ida, stop.

Talia, I told you many times.

Okay, I'm your mother.

Mom, I gotta go.

Love you.

What did we get at the drive-up window?

No, Cooper, let Daisy have some.

Daisy, where'd we go?

Did we go to McDonald's?

Why does Daisy get hers first?

'Cause Cooper...

eats his too fast.


I tried to touch his hand in the movie

and he just pulled away.

That doesn't mean anything.

Boys are immature at this age.

He didn't even try to kiss me.

- He thinks I'm disgusting.
- Why would you say that?

Because I'm fat and wearing Ann Taylor

- like a fucking idiot.
- Chloe.

Good night, guys.

I wish I was Samoan.

You want to learn a Samoan siva,

a Samoan dance?

No, I-I-I can't.

Come on.

Come dance with me.

Come on.

Come on.

But softly so my mom doesn't hear.

Go low and reach out with your hands.

Up here.

Up and down.

- Oh, my God, Mindy.
- Huh?

I just got off the phone
with the dog walker.

Cinnamon got bit by a fucking
Jack Russell terrorist.

Oh, my God, babe, is she okay?

No, she is in the emergency room.

- I need you to cover for me.
- Oh, but I...

Mrs. Waterstein is coming in
at noon to buy that Birkin.

But I've never worked the front before.

Mindy, I tried Jess.
She's getting an MRI.

And Danielle's not picking up

'cause she's a psycho alcoholic.

It's, like, I mean,
come on, we love her,

- but, like, get it together.
- Yeah.

The Birkin, I will be back by then,

but if I'm not, just run her card.

I already tagged it.

Sure, I mean, if Danielle can do it.

- Here, you can rock it.
- Yeah?

Just smile. You'll be fine.


Kate, hi!


I wish I knew you were gonna be here.

Oh, why?

Just because it'd be
fun to ride together.

You gotta text me sometime.

I should. You know, I would love to.

I'm gonna take Drea shopping.
She's home from college.

Oh, my gosh, look at her.
She looks so beautiful.


Well, yeah, so, um, you
know, if-if not today,

maybe we could... we
could ride tomorrow?

Yeah, sure, sure.

Yeah, like, ten o'clock?

I could do ten.

Ooh, ten, let me check.

Is that... I'm sorry, is
that what I think it is?


- Oh, it is.
- Wow.

It is, I know.

I'm having problems
processing it myself.

I can't believe you brought it in here.

I mean, do they have security outside?

- Oh, stop.
- Can I feel it?

Uh, sure.

- Look at that stitching.
- I know.

I mean, how did you even...

I've been on a waiting list
for, like, three years.

Oh, I know, not me, Roger.

Well, Mr. Daddy's boss just got one.

- Mm.
- Um, I saw it in a picture.

But, uh, yeah, hers is alligator.

Oh, alligator's my favorite,
but it's so expensive.

Oh, it's gross. It's so gross.

- It's really gross.
- Yeah, it's-it's obscene.

She's obscene.

Sounds like it.

Yeah, she should die.

You know, you're gonna get yours soon.

I can feel it.

I am gonna get mine.


- Mm.
- Good to see you.

- Yeah, take care.
- We'll go riding.


I love your boots.

Oh, thank you.

- Gucci, right?
- Yes, obviously.

I've had my eye on them for a while.

I much prefer them to ours.

Less obvious, you know.

- I think so too.
- Mm-hmm.

It's my birthday today.

Today is my birthday too.

- No.
- Yes.

- Birthday twins.
- Twinsies.


- Well, we have to get you a gift.
- Yes.

Yes. We have this perfect suede cardigan

that'll go with your hair, I know it.

It's killer.

- That is so killer.
- It's to die.

I-I'm dying. I'm dead.

Mm. Should I start you a room?

Um, actually, I wanted to ask you

if you might be able to check
the Birkin waiting list

because I've been on it for a while

and I have a couple of
friends who have recently

gotten Birkins, so I
thought maybe I'm next...

- Oh.
- ... on my birthday.

Oh, so sad.

The one we just got in has
already been claimed.

I'm sorry, when did you get it?

- Today.
- You got one today

and you didn't fucking call me?

I was literally in here last week.

- Oh.
- After all the shit

that I buy at this store, what the fuck?

- Um...
- What the actual fuck?

Well, if it was up to me,

I would get you one. I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. No, no, no, I'm sorry.

Good God.

Who am I right now?

My husband is cheating on me...


... with his boss.

- Oh, I'm sorry.
- Yeah, he's fucking his boss.

She's a lawyer. She's
not a stay-at-home mom.

And he's never home, so
I'm like a single mom,

which is not what I signed up for.


She just got the alligator Birkin.

And my friend Kate has the little...

cute little pink one.

And it just seems like
everyone has a fucking Birkin,

and I can't even get my hands
on a small shitty one.

I'm so sorry things are
so shitty right now.

Do you have any small shitty ones?


Oh, my God.


Oh, hi, Mrs. Wagner.

Like what? Like lice?

Okay, well, of course, I'll
come pick him right up.

And now I have to go
pick up my son at school

because that's my life.

Oh, well, next time.

Next time.

- Happy birthday.
- Oh, happy birthday.

You know, you are the sweetest
salesgirl I have ever met.

- I want your number.
- Okay.

Thanks, Mrs. Wagner.

- What's the matter?
- My throat hurts.

Okay, all right, well,

I'll cancel Bridgette this
afternoon. We'll go home.

No, no, you don't have
to do that. I'm fine.

It's okay, we'll cuddle
up and watch Judge Judy.

What? No. I hate Judge Judy.

She's always right, and
it's so predictable.

Well, it's my birthday,

so that's what we're
freakin' gonna watch.

- Hi.
- Hi.

I am here for my Birkin.

Mrs. Waterstein, yes.

So Leslie had this personal thing,

so I'll be handling your Birkin sale.

Yes, I'm Mindy.

- Oh, okay.
- Yes.

Can I take your card?

- Can I see the bag first?
- Yes, of course.

The bag is in the safe, so
let me just grab the keys.

Did you just start?

I come in all the time.
I've never seen you before.

I'm usually in the back, mm-hmm.

I can't believe they left
you here by yourself.

It's gotta be very confusing.

Um, you know what?

Let me just text my
coworker very quickly

because I don't...

You know, actually, I think I probably

better come back when Leslie's here

- so it's a little smoother.
- Oh, no, no, no.

- It'll be, like, 30 seconds.
- I don't really want to put you through this.

- She'll text me back.
- Thank you, Mindy.

That's a cute bracelet, by the way.

Ugh, Rivers, I hate that
you made that my ringtone.

Well, guess what. I
hate your dumb music,

so we're even.

Find my phone for me, please.

It's clearly you've done something

to the Bluetooth again.

- No, I didn't.
- Please hurry up.

Is it Mr. Daddy?

No, it's Mindy "Herms."

Who's Mindy Herms?

Put it on speaker.

Okay, okay.

- Mindy?
- Yes, Ally, I have good news.

I have a Birkin for you.

No, you are not serious.

Yes, I'm looking at it right now.

Oh, my God!

Mindy, this is the best
news I've ever had.

Okay, come on over as soon as you can.

I'll be there very soon.

I should be 20 minutes.


Honey, we're just gonna have
to make a very quick stop.

What are you wearing?

What the fuck are you wearing?

Mom, you're so boring
with this fancy bullshit.

We are doing this whether
you want to or not.

I feel sick.

Look at me. Look at me.

If you can look and act
like a respectable child,

I will take you to Target after this

and get you whatever you want.

Even guns?

Even guns. You can shoot shit all night.

Just shut the fuck up.

- Ally.
- Mindy.

- Thank you.
- I know.

I'm so happy I could do this for you.

Oh, I am too. I can't believe it.

- Let's go. Let's go.
- Oh, yeah.

You are my literal savior.

Oh, well, I had to work my
magic for my birthday twin.

My birthday twin, yes, indeed.

Here it is.

- Crazy.
- Ahh!

It's like Christmas... or my birthday.


It's so good.

- It's so good.
- It's so good.

It's so good.

- You're gonna rock it.
- I'm gonna rock the shit out of it.

That'll be $23,000.


I just want you to do your
homework first, okay?

That's all there is to it.

Just go in the kitchen.
Get your homework out.

I'll be right there.



And-and just... oh, the floors.

It's gonna be fine.

If you'll just try to be
careful with the paint,

I would be so appreciative.

Here are your boots.

Oh, where did you find them?

With the rest of your shoes.


Did you buy a new fridge?

Yes, I told you that.

I told everybody that.

Why doesn't anybody remember anything?

I just don't understand it.

It's not that I'm mad at you.
I'm just mad at the situation.

But I appreciate all your help today,

and I appreciate you
finding me my boots.

Was something wrong? Is
the old fridge broken?

No, it just clashed
with the new kitchen.

I-it made the whole room feel insane.

- Miss Ally?
- What is it, angel?

I'm an hour late for my riding lesson.

Do you think I could
have your old fridge?

Oh, my God, yes!

Of course you need a fridge. Take it.

Okay, thank you, I appreciate it.

My family really needs one.

Oh, your family.

I love giving gifts on my birthday.

A tard plus, Elsie.

Je suis un riding lesson.

Oh, mais oui. Bon anniversaire.

Oh, I love you too.


Oh, and, um, remember to get
all the food out of the fridge

and just don't let them hit anything.


Johanny, finally. I need to come in.

I got some money.

- I need good hair.
- I can't.

Jo, I need you.

I'm seeing Lakou Mizik tonight.

- Fine, come by at five.
- Okay, thank you.

I'll see you at five.

Would you like a jeans or DVD?

Not for you? Okay.

Hey. Jeans for sale.

I'll take the jeans.
You have rhinestone?

Oh, yeah, got the rhinestone right here.


I don't understand

how you messed it up so bad, Sie-Sie.

Oh, these curls only
lasting one week now.

- One week?
- Yeah.

- Nah.
- One week, yeah.

You let Henri pull on it all night long

and you sweat out your edges, eh?

Yes, I did, this morning.

So with this new fridge money,

I'm thinking four tracks?

Let me see.

Is this a good one?

Bitch, yes, it's Hairmès.

- It's the best shit we have.
- Let me see the package.

- You don't trust me?
- Let me see it.

Oh, okay, all right.

Oh, look at that.

- Hmm, hmm.
- Good, right?

This hair come from this package?

'Cause I spending a lot
of money on it today.

- Fuckin' told you yes.
- Mm-hmm.

It's the good shit.


Thank you, Miss Ally, and
your cheating-ass husband.

Fuck, he's still doing that? Shit.

- Eh!
- Eh!

- Eh!
- Eh!

Take an Advil.

It's Ally.

Hello, Ally?

Elsie, thank God.

I need you to watch Larry.

- Larry?
- Bridgette's son.

- Bridgette?
- Our tutor, Elsie, Bridgette.

She's taking me to dinner.
She needs a sitter.

Ally, I have plans tonight.

I need this.

It'll be an hour. I'll give you $400.

Okay, I'll be there soon.







♪ Panama mwen tonbe ♪

♪ Panama mwen tonbe ♪

Shh, hey.

♪ Panama mwen tonbe, sa ki dèyè ♪

♪ Panama mwen tonbe ♪

Okay, okay, okay, okay.


♪ Panama mwen tonbe, sa ki dèyè ♪

♪ Ranmasé li pou mwen ♪

♪ Mwen soti lavil Jacmel ♪

♪ Lavale mwen prale ♪

♪ An arivan kafou Bainet ♪

♪ Panama mwen tonbe ♪

♪ Chante ♪

♪ Panama mwen tonbe ♪

♪ Panama mwen tonbe ♪

♪ Panama mwen tonbe, sa ki dèyè ♪

♪ Ranmasé li pou mwen ♪

♪ Panama mwen tonbe ♪

♪ Panama mwen tonbe ♪

♪ Panama mwen tonbe, sa ki dèyè ♪