SLiDE (2011): Season 1, Episode 10 - Episode #1.10 - full transcript
Wakey, wakey, hand off snakey.
I had a bad dream
we went to schoolies.
That was the worst week of my life.
Remind me never to finish
high school again.
So, that's it. We're done.
Now we can ride off into the sunset with
our whole lives ahead of us.
Yeah, that was the initiation ritual
that marks our rite of passage
into adulthood.
If it was, our culture's doomed.
I still can't believe we don't
have to go to school on Monday,
or ever again.
I can't believe
you're still a virgin.
It's an unsolved mystery
that anyone can make it through
high school and still be a virgin,
but you made it through schoolies.
That is physically impossible.
It's like you walked
through the Kumbh Mela
and you didn't get
any colour on you.
You guys need to travel more.
It's like you went to Wet'n'Wild
and you didn't get wet. Or wild.
Yeah, OK, I get it.
I mean, how did you do it?
The beach was like
one of those nature shows
with the salmon spawning upstream.
Oh, alright, so I missed out on
a golden opportunity
to lose my virginity
in some meaningless, drunken
teen pregnancy kind of way.
But I have a plan.
By the end of today,
I'm giving up my V-plates.
I'll take one for the team.
It's nothing personal,
but I want it to be someone
who's not inside
this incestuous little playgroup.
So not you, and not Ed.
Hey, where is Ed?
Went straight to voicemail.
"Message bank full."
When did we last see him?
I saw him getting his arse kicked
by some twins from Adelaide
at Bikini Beatdown.
Yeah, I boycotted that event.
On what grounds?
On grounds that it was offensive
to women. And bikinis.
I think I saw him at around 3:00 with
those skanks from Sydney.
Mmm, you're gonna have to
narrow it down.
He said he was swimming
with unicorns.
Think he meant dolphins.
Oh, no, but
what are we gonna do?
We go home and exfoliate.
He'll call, or he'll show up at the gig.
D?
Don't touch.
Took me 20 minutes to get that look,
like it's just been tossed
in there with no arranging at all.
Who are you?
Wow, Dianne. Talk about
a woman's touch. The place looks great.
Amazing what a few
throw cushions can do.
Thank you so much.
Well, er, we'll see you tomorrow?
Bright and early.
I hope so.
Don't keep us waiting.
Nice lady.
Not like the bunnies
you usually go for.
No, she's, er...
she's a real estate agent.
She's getting the place ready
for people to look at.
Why?
We're selling up.
What?
It kills me to say this,
but I need help.
I know someone who can
get rid of a dead body for $500.
Losing my virginity.
You seem to be the expert
at attracting boys
so I respectfully ask
for your advice.
Finally.
If I'm going to do this,
you need to promise
that you will defer to my opinion
in all matters.
I say, you do.
I don't hear your commitment
to the cause.
I promise I'll do what you say.
OK, first step.
We've gotta sort out your style.
When were you gonna tell me?
Sorry, mate, you weren't here.
Look, you can come with me, or
you can take your half of the cash
and party or travel overseas,
do whatever you want.
But this is Mum and Dad's place.
Buddy, they're gone,
and I'm not gonna stay here
the rest of my life because of them.
You know, if they were still here,
I would have moved out years ago.
But...
You had to look after me.
Yeah, and they would
have wanted that.
But you're old enough
to look after yourself,
and I wanna live some of my life.
I'd like a fresh start.
You should have one too.
I'll be back later on
and we can talk about some
of the details, alright?
We're going for a kind of
rock whore-virgin look,
so depending on who
Prince Charming turns out to be,
you can go either way.
Like, older guys love a virgin,
younger guys not so much.
You think I should tell him
I'm a virgin?
Play it by ear, but if you do,
you have to sex it up, like...
"Baby, this is my first time.
I want it to be really special.
"You have to make me want you."
I don't think I can
say stuff like that...
Like if he says,
"Oh, I wanna touch you so bad,"
you say, "Oh, you wanna touch me?
You think you're ready for that?"
Come on, you said
you were committed.
Oh, you're a bad girl, aren't you?
I'll make you beg for it.
I can't do it!
How can you not crack up laughing?
I save that for when
they take their pants off.
I am never gonna be able to do this.
OK, listen to me now.
Look me in the eyes.
Dressing you up is easy, but if you're
actually going to do this,
you have to be
in the right head space.
Step two - think outside your box.
OK.
That looks disgusting.
I have to detox before I retox.
Here's the camera.
Thanks. I'm doing a video blog
and it needs to be a good angle.
It can't just be like, "Here's me
watching a bunch of bands."
So, how did it go with your parents?
Did they freak out over the exam?
They said I let them down,
and I said, "Prepare for
a lifetime of disappointment."
Line-up looks alright.
Yeah.
I was thinking, after we find you
a devirginator,
we find me a rock star.
And I expect you to use your press pass
to help me with this mission.
Sorry, what am I doing?
We have to do something
about this perm.
It's naturally curly.
I know. I was just saying that
to annoy you.
Any ideas what we can do
with Sideshow Bob over here?
It doesn't matter what you do.
I know, it's like seaweed.
No. I mean Tams doesn't need
to change her hair.
It's about what's in her head.
That's what I said.
And no doubt she'll chicken out
at the last minute.
No, I won't! I need this.
I need it so bad it doesn't
even have to be good.
Ladies and gentlemen, the often
imitated, never duplicated,
new and improved Tammy Lane.
You're not working it.
I feel stupid.
Does she look stupid?
She looks nice.
Nice?
I didn't just spend the last two hours
working my magic for nice.
I like you fine in a T-shirt.
You look ridiculously hot.
If some guy doesn't grab you
and get the job done tonight,
I'm gonna have to do it myself.
That what you wanted to hear?
OK, let's go. I'm shutting the door now.
Everybody got what they need?
Keys? Tickets? Condoms?
Fuck! Ed's got my ticket!
Sucks to be you.
Mmm, have fun.
See you afterwards.
'Bye.
Do you check this?
Yep.
Oh, hey.
- Oooh!
- Tammy!
Ewww.
No cash, no phone, no tickets.
I'm lucky I made it out
with my shoes.
Oh, all the tickets are sold out.
I know.
I'm...
What?
I'm just taking a moment
with your new look.
Does it say DTF?
Loud and clear.
Me likey.
Oh, you like it, do you?
How much do you like it?
A lot.
Wait. What's going on?
Virgin Mary's on a mission
to give up her V-plates.
I'm gonna find some cute guy
that I'm never gonna see again
and I'm getting it done.
Wow, that's, er...
You sure you wanna
do it with someone
that you haven't known
since kindergarten?
Does Lady Gaga like
to wear funny hats?
What?
Yes, I'm sure.
Can we finish this later?
Rock star. Clock. Ticking.
Luke says he'll meet you out back.
Good luck.
- Yeah, you too.
- 'Bye.
Not.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oi!
Tams tell you about her little plan?
Yeah, she's wearing it.
What do you think?
Hey, it's not my business
if she wants to give it up
to some random ring-in,
even though she's got
two perfectly good specimens
to choose from right here.
I know!
Are we on sabotage?
Thought about it,
but if that's what she really wants,
then I think we should step aside.
We could make sure he's not
a complete douche bag.
Intervene if he looks like
Conan the Hymen Hacker.
Roger that.
What's the bin for?
How is it?
Awesome.
Oi!
Hey, mate, can you give us a hand?
Ohh!
This sucks. I'm going home.
Hey, we'll sort something out.
No, this is how it's gonna be.
I may as well get used to it.
School's finished,
you guys are off doing fun things
while I'm stuck at home
wearing a burrito on my head.
Dude, shut up.
My place is round the corner.
Get cleaned up
and we'll sort something.
My old phone's in the kitchen drawer.
Charge it up and come back.
We'll cut a hole in the fucking fence
if we have to.
- Orange T-shirt.
- Wait, wait. Let me see.
Ooh. Too angry.
Oh, oh, check shirt,
check shirt, check shirt.
Which one? Which one? That one?
No! Way too sad!
Look, red pants.
Way too confident!
Yeah.
I like that in a man.
Whoo-hoo!
Do you think they disinfect these?
Guess you don't wanna have sex, then.
Not trying to talk 'em
into bed, are ya?
What?
No. Maybe.
I don't know. What am I supposed
to do, show them my boobs?
That'd work, too.
But I'd go for eye contact.
You look 'em in the eyes
and you don't look away.
His brain will go, "This beautiful
girl's trying to check me out."
Then you give him a little smile,
like you're thinking
of something really dirty.
Then you look away.
This is too weird,
getting pick-up tips from you.
I don't wanna know about
all the little moves you used on me.
It wasn't like that with you.
Yeah.
I'm sure I was really special.
Whatever.
You should get out there!
You can tell a guy's good in bed
if he can dance.
Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.
I'm not the world's best dancer.
What if I'm rubbish in bed?
OK, I know you have to
be the best at everything,
but this is different!
It's called chemistry,
and you can't control that.
Either it's there or it's not.
So there's nothing I can do about it?
Step four - love your work.
Hey. Are you alright?
Hey, you guys!
What up?
Hey, do you know of
any after parties?
Because I'm up for a massive night.
Not... not... not yet.
Promise you'll let me
know, you know.
I don't want this thing between
Ed and I to stop us all being mates.
Let's just act like adults
and pretend this never happened.
Not a problem.
Pinky swear.
Awesome!
Catch you guys later.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Yeah.
Hey, ladies. I'm Luke.
Impressed? Mmm.
Hi. I'm Mr Firefighter Man.
I use man products.
Yeah!
You wanna see my giant hose? Hmm.
Phone's out of order.
Mr Gallagher.
What? Who are you?
I'm the guy that's
gonna fuck you up.
I swear to you,
I'm not Dylan Gallagher.
Right. You're just
wearing his shirt.
I'd show you my ID
but I lost my wallet...
How convenient.
Do I look 25?
You kids all look like
fucking 12-year-olds.
Look at the picture on the shelf
of Luke and Dylan.
I look nothing like them.
So where is he?
I don't know.
Have you tried calling him?
No answer.
Oh, I'm sure he'll be back soon.
We're about to enter the inner sanctum
of the live music scene.
Free drinks,
no lines for the toilets,
and an all-you-can-eat
rock star smorgasbord.
Many are called, few are chosen.
We're talking VIP.
Cut.
I'm supposed to say 'cut'.
There's no-one here. This is where all
the cool people are supposed to be.
The VIP thing was crap.
That's a good angle for my story.
Oh, my God, I found your rock star.
Where?
Over there, with the guitar.
Hilarious.
No, I'm serious.
That's Nicholas Cane.
He's really good.
I think he's gonna be huge.
That guy?
Yes!
You really think he's gonna be famous?
You're not just messing with me?
If I wasn't so completely
in awe of him, I'd have a go.
Baby steps.
You're not ready for a rock star.
Tell me the name of one of his songs
and I'll go over
and pretend that I like him.
I can do better than that.
I can introduce you.
I wrote a review on his album.
I practically wrote a thesis on it.
I feel like I know him.
Wait here.
Hi.
I'm Tammy Lane.
I'm a massive fan.
Did you say Tammy Lane?
Yeah, like from that movie,
except obviously
I'm not a complete band slut.
Even though I'm dressed like one.
Sorry, I'm rambling, aren't I?
I get nervous around
people that I like.
Did you write that online thing
about my album a couple of weeks ago?
Yes. Oh, my God, you read that?!
That's...
What the hell?!
That's what it feels like
when someone writes something about
you on the internet you don't like.
What are you talking about?
I loved your album.
You completely missed the point.
What point?
Exactly!
Security.
Look...
Fuck.
I'm gonna have a shit.
Hi, it's me.
I don't know
if you're still at Luke's.
Oh, I just remembered
you don't have your phone,
so you're not gonna get this message.
And if you would open this door,
we could have this conversation
for less than 52 cents a minute.
Ow!
Where are you?!
There were 9,000 horny guys there
and I couldn't find
one single one to have sex with.
I'm telling you, there is
something seriously wrong with me.
Oh, crap!
Can I help you?
Hi.
This looks bad, doesn't it?
It's not what you think.
I'm a friend of Luke's.
I'd really prefer not
to be stuck here. Do you mind?
Do you think you could
put me the right way up?
I reckon you can stay there
a bit longer.
What the fuck is going on?
He wants Dylan.
I think he'll let us go
when he gets back.
What does he want with Dylan?
I'm guessing it's nothing good.
This can't be happening.
We just have to stay calm
and get through it.
Fuck that! You've gotta do something.
Like what?
I'm tied to a fucking chair.
What are you even doing here?
Long story.
I'm not going anywhere.
Stupid rock star
thinks he's so special
'cause he can string a few words
together to a catchy tune,
and he can't take
constructive criticism,
and so he threw
his fucking drink in my face.
And then I get kicked out.
And I smell like bogan and coke, and...
No, don't cry, Tams. Please.
OK? You're the tough one.
I'm the one who cries.
Remember when that kid
belt me up outside the milk bar
and I cried, and then you came and
pounded his head into the concrete?
Yeah, it was like my smart friend
took off her glasses,
let her ponytail down
and turned out to be this beautiful
arse-kicking monster-killer.
And I realised...
you're the superhero.
I'm just your goofy sidekick.
Do you want a drink?
What do you think you're doing?
Excuse me? Who are you?
I'm his girlfriend.
Who the fuck are you?
Frigid Sluts groupie?
He's not in Frigid Sluts.
He's their roadie.
That rat-fucker!
He told me he played keyboards!
Babe...
Get your hands off me!
I can get back in!
My man's in there!
I'll find a way.
I'll bloody climb the fence!
I don't know what
I've been waiting for.
Guess it was something about
wanting it to be special.
That's so stupid.
Maybe you've got
the wrong idea about special.
It doesn't have to be about rose petals.
It can be about other stuff.
'Cause you're such an expert now.
Well, well, well.
What have we got here?
Scarlett...
From virgin to kinky sex games
in one afternoon.
Tammy, you are a fast learner.
You have to call the police.
No, untie us first,
then call the cops.
How many teenagers
do I have to tie up tonight?
Get onto anyone?
Nobody's answering.
Should we look?
Free drinks, no ID required.
Then they can look after themselves.
What's up with you?
Nothing I wanna talk about.
What's up with you?
Nothing I wanna share.
This is stupid.
We should be enjoying ourselves.
I know. VIP. So should be one of
those "time of our lives" moments.
OK, reality shift.
Let's forget about everything
that's a problem for future-us.
Let's just be in the now.
What does that look like?
I don't care about anything
that's happening tomorrow.
I'm right here, right now,
and I'm livin' large.
It suits you.
VIP all the way, baby.
What the fuck?!
He could have just turned
them off. He didn't have to drown them.
We've got bigger things
on our mind right now,
like, um, being held hostage.
I had important messages in there,
like, from ex-boyfriends
and future ex-boyfriends.
Ohh! Listen to yourself.
How do you manage to make
everything about you?
I've spent my whole day trying to get
you out there hocking your box.
And I was worried I wasn't gonna
get to spend
enough time with you guys anymore.
I know why you couldn't find
a devirginator today.
Oh, really? Enlighten me.
Because none of them were Luke.
That's ridiculous.
Why is it that you'd rather do it
with some complete stranger with
no references, than do it with him?
Or me, for instance,
your oldest friend?
That's exactly why
I couldn't do it with you,
because we know each other too well.
How could there be any mystery,
any excitement?
It'd be like... homework.
Thanks.
I think you're
a psychological virgin.
What does that mean?
It means that you think
you're better than everyone else,
and nobody is ever good enough
to enter the sacred temple.
You just made that up.
Yeah, I did.
What's he doing?
Probably building a torture chamber in
the basement.
Well, what are we doing?
We're smart and there's three of us.
Try and scooch your chair
over to the computer, or the phone.
Scooch?
Yeah, like
a hopping-slash-dragging motion.
Is that what you were doing?
Come on, more scooching,
less talking.
No dial tone.
Oh, the double tap is really hard.
Maybe he's cut the lines.
Oh, it's not online.
Maybe Dylan hasn't paid his bills.
That's exactly right.
You going somewhere?
What was that guy drinking?
Um... single malt
with a chaser of gastric juices.
Bathroom window won't open.
D must have fixed it.
We can try the kitchen.
Shh!
I know that guy.
Who is he? What is this?
It's Dylan.
This guy's been looking for him.
I'm calling the cops.
D wouldn't want the cops involved.
I need you to ring
the doorbell and run.
If you don't hear from me
in five minutes
then call as many cops as you want.
Five minutes. Don't be a hero.
Bring as many people as you can.
Alright!
House party!
Oh, my legs.
No circulation.
Ed, watch out!
You'd better be Dylan Gallagher.
You don't wanna do this, mate.
Oh! Luke!
That's not even Dylan!
It's Luke, I swear! Check his ID!
Where the fuck is your brother?!
If I knew, I wouldn't tell you.
You'd better get with the program.
Eva!
Let's get this party started!
What'd I say about
not trying to be a hero?
I should leave that stuff
for the girls.
What happened?
So, what are we
going to do with him?
Let him sit for a while.
He's not going anywhere.
I might have a little talk to him.
We should make him
a bit more comfortable.
Let's party.
He is huge!
You'd think so, but you never know
until you see it.
Everyone always says that big feet
and big noses are a true sign,
but I have personal experience -
not true.
Skinny guys, big Adam's apples.
Really?
Yeah.
- He's checking you out!
- No, he isn't.
Go talk to him.
No. It's embarrassing
with all you guys watching.
Let's go, ladies. Give the girl
some room to bust her moves.
Hey.
Hey. I'm Tammy.
Conan alert.
No shit.
He's that guy from Valley Sports.
What do we do?
Run some interference?
Uh, Tam, can I have a sec?
What about?
It's private.
Back in a minute.
Hi, mate.
Man, what's up?
This better be urgent.
She's gagging for it.
Yeah, about that.
I should give you a heads-up.
She's my mate's little sister.
She's 14.
Hey, there's grass
on her wicket.
I'm not supposed
to tell anyone, but, um...
she has herpes.
Excess skin. Is that natural?
It feels very unnatural...
I went away for, like, one minute.
Hey, Tams, I've got
some great footage
of you getting thrown out
of the VIP tent.
Ha. Thanks.
Here, E.
Um, you can keep it, if you like.
I never use it.
Really? Oh, thanks.
So, what happened with Mr Big?
Massive fail.
Oh, the night is young.
Yeah, I'm gonna find someone
to sleep with you,
even if I have to kill
every single girl here to do it.
What the fuck, Luke?! We've got
an open inspection tomorrow!
We're not selling the house!
Hey, that's not your decision.
Now shut it down.
This place is a fuckin' mess!
This guy. This guy held my friends
hostage and smashed up our house.
Guess who he was looking for!
Dylan, meet Bailey.
He's told us a little bit
about your situation.
Do you think it's fair
to make your brother
give up his family home because
you have a gambling problem?
Luke, I'll sort it out.
Alright? I will.
And we're not selling the house.
OK.
Dylan's gonna take the job up north,
then I can stay in the house,
rent out some rooms and help him with
what he owes Bailey's boss.
Justice is served.
Now all I need is
some frickin' housemates.
Hey.
Go away.
Don't look at me.
What's up?
I give up.
I am gonna die a virgin,
just like...
all those other virgins
that I can't think of right now.
Susan Boyle?
Well, thanks,
that's... really helpful.
You're not gonna die a virgin.
Well, where is he?
It's me.
I love you. I always have.
Hey.
Hey yourself.
Where you been?
Disco nap.
What?
You look different.
Hmm. Must be the slutty makeover.
No, not that.
Tams?
Mmm?
I've never said this
to anyone before.
What?
I love you.
I always did.
Tams?
Scar?
Morning, Edford.
Do you want some hangover eggs?
I do them with Tabasco and tomato,
kind of like
a bloody mary you can eat.
Fine, be that way. See if I care.
Sorry, mate.
Hey, er, have you seen Tams?
Ed. Wait.
Ed!
You don't sleep with someone
then sleep with their best friend
in the same night.
I thought I was your best friend.
That's not the point, OK?
It's not cool.
Nice work, Tams.
I knew that whole shy, good-girl thing
was just a cover-up
for the massive slut
waiting to be unleashed.
Shut up.
It was a compliment.
What's going on?
She slept with both of us.
Me first, then you.
Mmm.
It was an accident.
Now, it's
a really lovely family home.
Oh, my...
Hi. Dianne, is it?
I meant to call you
and tell you we're not selling.
Ever.
Now what?
Breakfast.
Clean up.
I had a bad dream
we went to schoolies.
That was the worst week of my life.
Remind me never to finish
high school again.
So, that's it. We're done.
Now we can ride off into the sunset with
our whole lives ahead of us.
Yeah, that was the initiation ritual
that marks our rite of passage
into adulthood.
If it was, our culture's doomed.
I still can't believe we don't
have to go to school on Monday,
or ever again.
I can't believe
you're still a virgin.
It's an unsolved mystery
that anyone can make it through
high school and still be a virgin,
but you made it through schoolies.
That is physically impossible.
It's like you walked
through the Kumbh Mela
and you didn't get
any colour on you.
You guys need to travel more.
It's like you went to Wet'n'Wild
and you didn't get wet. Or wild.
Yeah, OK, I get it.
I mean, how did you do it?
The beach was like
one of those nature shows
with the salmon spawning upstream.
Oh, alright, so I missed out on
a golden opportunity
to lose my virginity
in some meaningless, drunken
teen pregnancy kind of way.
But I have a plan.
By the end of today,
I'm giving up my V-plates.
I'll take one for the team.
It's nothing personal,
but I want it to be someone
who's not inside
this incestuous little playgroup.
So not you, and not Ed.
Hey, where is Ed?
Went straight to voicemail.
"Message bank full."
When did we last see him?
I saw him getting his arse kicked
by some twins from Adelaide
at Bikini Beatdown.
Yeah, I boycotted that event.
On what grounds?
On grounds that it was offensive
to women. And bikinis.
I think I saw him at around 3:00 with
those skanks from Sydney.
Mmm, you're gonna have to
narrow it down.
He said he was swimming
with unicorns.
Think he meant dolphins.
Oh, no, but
what are we gonna do?
We go home and exfoliate.
He'll call, or he'll show up at the gig.
D?
Don't touch.
Took me 20 minutes to get that look,
like it's just been tossed
in there with no arranging at all.
Who are you?
Wow, Dianne. Talk about
a woman's touch. The place looks great.
Amazing what a few
throw cushions can do.
Thank you so much.
Well, er, we'll see you tomorrow?
Bright and early.
I hope so.
Don't keep us waiting.
Nice lady.
Not like the bunnies
you usually go for.
No, she's, er...
she's a real estate agent.
She's getting the place ready
for people to look at.
Why?
We're selling up.
What?
It kills me to say this,
but I need help.
I know someone who can
get rid of a dead body for $500.
Losing my virginity.
You seem to be the expert
at attracting boys
so I respectfully ask
for your advice.
Finally.
If I'm going to do this,
you need to promise
that you will defer to my opinion
in all matters.
I say, you do.
I don't hear your commitment
to the cause.
I promise I'll do what you say.
OK, first step.
We've gotta sort out your style.
When were you gonna tell me?
Sorry, mate, you weren't here.
Look, you can come with me, or
you can take your half of the cash
and party or travel overseas,
do whatever you want.
But this is Mum and Dad's place.
Buddy, they're gone,
and I'm not gonna stay here
the rest of my life because of them.
You know, if they were still here,
I would have moved out years ago.
But...
You had to look after me.
Yeah, and they would
have wanted that.
But you're old enough
to look after yourself,
and I wanna live some of my life.
I'd like a fresh start.
You should have one too.
I'll be back later on
and we can talk about some
of the details, alright?
We're going for a kind of
rock whore-virgin look,
so depending on who
Prince Charming turns out to be,
you can go either way.
Like, older guys love a virgin,
younger guys not so much.
You think I should tell him
I'm a virgin?
Play it by ear, but if you do,
you have to sex it up, like...
"Baby, this is my first time.
I want it to be really special.
"You have to make me want you."
I don't think I can
say stuff like that...
Like if he says,
"Oh, I wanna touch you so bad,"
you say, "Oh, you wanna touch me?
You think you're ready for that?"
Come on, you said
you were committed.
Oh, you're a bad girl, aren't you?
I'll make you beg for it.
I can't do it!
How can you not crack up laughing?
I save that for when
they take their pants off.
I am never gonna be able to do this.
OK, listen to me now.
Look me in the eyes.
Dressing you up is easy, but if you're
actually going to do this,
you have to be
in the right head space.
Step two - think outside your box.
OK.
That looks disgusting.
I have to detox before I retox.
Here's the camera.
Thanks. I'm doing a video blog
and it needs to be a good angle.
It can't just be like, "Here's me
watching a bunch of bands."
So, how did it go with your parents?
Did they freak out over the exam?
They said I let them down,
and I said, "Prepare for
a lifetime of disappointment."
Line-up looks alright.
Yeah.
I was thinking, after we find you
a devirginator,
we find me a rock star.
And I expect you to use your press pass
to help me with this mission.
Sorry, what am I doing?
We have to do something
about this perm.
It's naturally curly.
I know. I was just saying that
to annoy you.
Any ideas what we can do
with Sideshow Bob over here?
It doesn't matter what you do.
I know, it's like seaweed.
No. I mean Tams doesn't need
to change her hair.
It's about what's in her head.
That's what I said.
And no doubt she'll chicken out
at the last minute.
No, I won't! I need this.
I need it so bad it doesn't
even have to be good.
Ladies and gentlemen, the often
imitated, never duplicated,
new and improved Tammy Lane.
You're not working it.
I feel stupid.
Does she look stupid?
She looks nice.
Nice?
I didn't just spend the last two hours
working my magic for nice.
I like you fine in a T-shirt.
You look ridiculously hot.
If some guy doesn't grab you
and get the job done tonight,
I'm gonna have to do it myself.
That what you wanted to hear?
OK, let's go. I'm shutting the door now.
Everybody got what they need?
Keys? Tickets? Condoms?
Fuck! Ed's got my ticket!
Sucks to be you.
Mmm, have fun.
See you afterwards.
'Bye.
Do you check this?
Yep.
Oh, hey.
- Oooh!
- Tammy!
Ewww.
No cash, no phone, no tickets.
I'm lucky I made it out
with my shoes.
Oh, all the tickets are sold out.
I know.
I'm...
What?
I'm just taking a moment
with your new look.
Does it say DTF?
Loud and clear.
Me likey.
Oh, you like it, do you?
How much do you like it?
A lot.
Wait. What's going on?
Virgin Mary's on a mission
to give up her V-plates.
I'm gonna find some cute guy
that I'm never gonna see again
and I'm getting it done.
Wow, that's, er...
You sure you wanna
do it with someone
that you haven't known
since kindergarten?
Does Lady Gaga like
to wear funny hats?
What?
Yes, I'm sure.
Can we finish this later?
Rock star. Clock. Ticking.
Luke says he'll meet you out back.
Good luck.
- Yeah, you too.
- 'Bye.
Not.
Ooh! Ooh!
Oi!
Tams tell you about her little plan?
Yeah, she's wearing it.
What do you think?
Hey, it's not my business
if she wants to give it up
to some random ring-in,
even though she's got
two perfectly good specimens
to choose from right here.
I know!
Are we on sabotage?
Thought about it,
but if that's what she really wants,
then I think we should step aside.
We could make sure he's not
a complete douche bag.
Intervene if he looks like
Conan the Hymen Hacker.
Roger that.
What's the bin for?
How is it?
Awesome.
Oi!
Hey, mate, can you give us a hand?
Ohh!
This sucks. I'm going home.
Hey, we'll sort something out.
No, this is how it's gonna be.
I may as well get used to it.
School's finished,
you guys are off doing fun things
while I'm stuck at home
wearing a burrito on my head.
Dude, shut up.
My place is round the corner.
Get cleaned up
and we'll sort something.
My old phone's in the kitchen drawer.
Charge it up and come back.
We'll cut a hole in the fucking fence
if we have to.
- Orange T-shirt.
- Wait, wait. Let me see.
Ooh. Too angry.
Oh, oh, check shirt,
check shirt, check shirt.
Which one? Which one? That one?
No! Way too sad!
Look, red pants.
Way too confident!
Yeah.
I like that in a man.
Whoo-hoo!
Do you think they disinfect these?
Guess you don't wanna have sex, then.
Not trying to talk 'em
into bed, are ya?
What?
No. Maybe.
I don't know. What am I supposed
to do, show them my boobs?
That'd work, too.
But I'd go for eye contact.
You look 'em in the eyes
and you don't look away.
His brain will go, "This beautiful
girl's trying to check me out."
Then you give him a little smile,
like you're thinking
of something really dirty.
Then you look away.
This is too weird,
getting pick-up tips from you.
I don't wanna know about
all the little moves you used on me.
It wasn't like that with you.
Yeah.
I'm sure I was really special.
Whatever.
You should get out there!
You can tell a guy's good in bed
if he can dance.
Yeah, that's what I'm worried about.
I'm not the world's best dancer.
What if I'm rubbish in bed?
OK, I know you have to
be the best at everything,
but this is different!
It's called chemistry,
and you can't control that.
Either it's there or it's not.
So there's nothing I can do about it?
Step four - love your work.
Hey. Are you alright?
Hey, you guys!
What up?
Hey, do you know of
any after parties?
Because I'm up for a massive night.
Not... not... not yet.
Promise you'll let me
know, you know.
I don't want this thing between
Ed and I to stop us all being mates.
Let's just act like adults
and pretend this never happened.
Not a problem.
Pinky swear.
Awesome!
Catch you guys later.
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh.
Mmm. Mmm. Mmm. Yeah.
Hey, ladies. I'm Luke.
Impressed? Mmm.
Hi. I'm Mr Firefighter Man.
I use man products.
Yeah!
You wanna see my giant hose? Hmm.
Phone's out of order.
Mr Gallagher.
What? Who are you?
I'm the guy that's
gonna fuck you up.
I swear to you,
I'm not Dylan Gallagher.
Right. You're just
wearing his shirt.
I'd show you my ID
but I lost my wallet...
How convenient.
Do I look 25?
You kids all look like
fucking 12-year-olds.
Look at the picture on the shelf
of Luke and Dylan.
I look nothing like them.
So where is he?
I don't know.
Have you tried calling him?
No answer.
Oh, I'm sure he'll be back soon.
We're about to enter the inner sanctum
of the live music scene.
Free drinks,
no lines for the toilets,
and an all-you-can-eat
rock star smorgasbord.
Many are called, few are chosen.
We're talking VIP.
Cut.
I'm supposed to say 'cut'.
There's no-one here. This is where all
the cool people are supposed to be.
The VIP thing was crap.
That's a good angle for my story.
Oh, my God, I found your rock star.
Where?
Over there, with the guitar.
Hilarious.
No, I'm serious.
That's Nicholas Cane.
He's really good.
I think he's gonna be huge.
That guy?
Yes!
You really think he's gonna be famous?
You're not just messing with me?
If I wasn't so completely
in awe of him, I'd have a go.
Baby steps.
You're not ready for a rock star.
Tell me the name of one of his songs
and I'll go over
and pretend that I like him.
I can do better than that.
I can introduce you.
I wrote a review on his album.
I practically wrote a thesis on it.
I feel like I know him.
Wait here.
Hi.
I'm Tammy Lane.
I'm a massive fan.
Did you say Tammy Lane?
Yeah, like from that movie,
except obviously
I'm not a complete band slut.
Even though I'm dressed like one.
Sorry, I'm rambling, aren't I?
I get nervous around
people that I like.
Did you write that online thing
about my album a couple of weeks ago?
Yes. Oh, my God, you read that?!
That's...
What the hell?!
That's what it feels like
when someone writes something about
you on the internet you don't like.
What are you talking about?
I loved your album.
You completely missed the point.
What point?
Exactly!
Security.
Look...
Fuck.
I'm gonna have a shit.
Hi, it's me.
I don't know
if you're still at Luke's.
Oh, I just remembered
you don't have your phone,
so you're not gonna get this message.
And if you would open this door,
we could have this conversation
for less than 52 cents a minute.
Ow!
Where are you?!
There were 9,000 horny guys there
and I couldn't find
one single one to have sex with.
I'm telling you, there is
something seriously wrong with me.
Oh, crap!
Can I help you?
Hi.
This looks bad, doesn't it?
It's not what you think.
I'm a friend of Luke's.
I'd really prefer not
to be stuck here. Do you mind?
Do you think you could
put me the right way up?
I reckon you can stay there
a bit longer.
What the fuck is going on?
He wants Dylan.
I think he'll let us go
when he gets back.
What does he want with Dylan?
I'm guessing it's nothing good.
This can't be happening.
We just have to stay calm
and get through it.
Fuck that! You've gotta do something.
Like what?
I'm tied to a fucking chair.
What are you even doing here?
Long story.
I'm not going anywhere.
Stupid rock star
thinks he's so special
'cause he can string a few words
together to a catchy tune,
and he can't take
constructive criticism,
and so he threw
his fucking drink in my face.
And then I get kicked out.
And I smell like bogan and coke, and...
No, don't cry, Tams. Please.
OK? You're the tough one.
I'm the one who cries.
Remember when that kid
belt me up outside the milk bar
and I cried, and then you came and
pounded his head into the concrete?
Yeah, it was like my smart friend
took off her glasses,
let her ponytail down
and turned out to be this beautiful
arse-kicking monster-killer.
And I realised...
you're the superhero.
I'm just your goofy sidekick.
Do you want a drink?
What do you think you're doing?
Excuse me? Who are you?
I'm his girlfriend.
Who the fuck are you?
Frigid Sluts groupie?
He's not in Frigid Sluts.
He's their roadie.
That rat-fucker!
He told me he played keyboards!
Babe...
Get your hands off me!
I can get back in!
My man's in there!
I'll find a way.
I'll bloody climb the fence!
I don't know what
I've been waiting for.
Guess it was something about
wanting it to be special.
That's so stupid.
Maybe you've got
the wrong idea about special.
It doesn't have to be about rose petals.
It can be about other stuff.
'Cause you're such an expert now.
Well, well, well.
What have we got here?
Scarlett...
From virgin to kinky sex games
in one afternoon.
Tammy, you are a fast learner.
You have to call the police.
No, untie us first,
then call the cops.
How many teenagers
do I have to tie up tonight?
Get onto anyone?
Nobody's answering.
Should we look?
Free drinks, no ID required.
Then they can look after themselves.
What's up with you?
Nothing I wanna talk about.
What's up with you?
Nothing I wanna share.
This is stupid.
We should be enjoying ourselves.
I know. VIP. So should be one of
those "time of our lives" moments.
OK, reality shift.
Let's forget about everything
that's a problem for future-us.
Let's just be in the now.
What does that look like?
I don't care about anything
that's happening tomorrow.
I'm right here, right now,
and I'm livin' large.
It suits you.
VIP all the way, baby.
What the fuck?!
He could have just turned
them off. He didn't have to drown them.
We've got bigger things
on our mind right now,
like, um, being held hostage.
I had important messages in there,
like, from ex-boyfriends
and future ex-boyfriends.
Ohh! Listen to yourself.
How do you manage to make
everything about you?
I've spent my whole day trying to get
you out there hocking your box.
And I was worried I wasn't gonna
get to spend
enough time with you guys anymore.
I know why you couldn't find
a devirginator today.
Oh, really? Enlighten me.
Because none of them were Luke.
That's ridiculous.
Why is it that you'd rather do it
with some complete stranger with
no references, than do it with him?
Or me, for instance,
your oldest friend?
That's exactly why
I couldn't do it with you,
because we know each other too well.
How could there be any mystery,
any excitement?
It'd be like... homework.
Thanks.
I think you're
a psychological virgin.
What does that mean?
It means that you think
you're better than everyone else,
and nobody is ever good enough
to enter the sacred temple.
You just made that up.
Yeah, I did.
What's he doing?
Probably building a torture chamber in
the basement.
Well, what are we doing?
We're smart and there's three of us.
Try and scooch your chair
over to the computer, or the phone.
Scooch?
Yeah, like
a hopping-slash-dragging motion.
Is that what you were doing?
Come on, more scooching,
less talking.
No dial tone.
Oh, the double tap is really hard.
Maybe he's cut the lines.
Oh, it's not online.
Maybe Dylan hasn't paid his bills.
That's exactly right.
You going somewhere?
What was that guy drinking?
Um... single malt
with a chaser of gastric juices.
Bathroom window won't open.
D must have fixed it.
We can try the kitchen.
Shh!
I know that guy.
Who is he? What is this?
It's Dylan.
This guy's been looking for him.
I'm calling the cops.
D wouldn't want the cops involved.
I need you to ring
the doorbell and run.
If you don't hear from me
in five minutes
then call as many cops as you want.
Five minutes. Don't be a hero.
Bring as many people as you can.
Alright!
House party!
Oh, my legs.
No circulation.
Ed, watch out!
You'd better be Dylan Gallagher.
You don't wanna do this, mate.
Oh! Luke!
That's not even Dylan!
It's Luke, I swear! Check his ID!
Where the fuck is your brother?!
If I knew, I wouldn't tell you.
You'd better get with the program.
Eva!
Let's get this party started!
What'd I say about
not trying to be a hero?
I should leave that stuff
for the girls.
What happened?
So, what are we
going to do with him?
Let him sit for a while.
He's not going anywhere.
I might have a little talk to him.
We should make him
a bit more comfortable.
Let's party.
He is huge!
You'd think so, but you never know
until you see it.
Everyone always says that big feet
and big noses are a true sign,
but I have personal experience -
not true.
Skinny guys, big Adam's apples.
Really?
Yeah.
- He's checking you out!
- No, he isn't.
Go talk to him.
No. It's embarrassing
with all you guys watching.
Let's go, ladies. Give the girl
some room to bust her moves.
Hey.
Hey. I'm Tammy.
Conan alert.
No shit.
He's that guy from Valley Sports.
What do we do?
Run some interference?
Uh, Tam, can I have a sec?
What about?
It's private.
Back in a minute.
Hi, mate.
Man, what's up?
This better be urgent.
She's gagging for it.
Yeah, about that.
I should give you a heads-up.
She's my mate's little sister.
She's 14.
Hey, there's grass
on her wicket.
I'm not supposed
to tell anyone, but, um...
she has herpes.
Excess skin. Is that natural?
It feels very unnatural...
I went away for, like, one minute.
Hey, Tams, I've got
some great footage
of you getting thrown out
of the VIP tent.
Ha. Thanks.
Here, E.
Um, you can keep it, if you like.
I never use it.
Really? Oh, thanks.
So, what happened with Mr Big?
Massive fail.
Oh, the night is young.
Yeah, I'm gonna find someone
to sleep with you,
even if I have to kill
every single girl here to do it.
What the fuck, Luke?! We've got
an open inspection tomorrow!
We're not selling the house!
Hey, that's not your decision.
Now shut it down.
This place is a fuckin' mess!
This guy. This guy held my friends
hostage and smashed up our house.
Guess who he was looking for!
Dylan, meet Bailey.
He's told us a little bit
about your situation.
Do you think it's fair
to make your brother
give up his family home because
you have a gambling problem?
Luke, I'll sort it out.
Alright? I will.
And we're not selling the house.
OK.
Dylan's gonna take the job up north,
then I can stay in the house,
rent out some rooms and help him with
what he owes Bailey's boss.
Justice is served.
Now all I need is
some frickin' housemates.
Hey.
Go away.
Don't look at me.
What's up?
I give up.
I am gonna die a virgin,
just like...
all those other virgins
that I can't think of right now.
Susan Boyle?
Well, thanks,
that's... really helpful.
You're not gonna die a virgin.
Well, where is he?
It's me.
I love you. I always have.
Hey.
Hey yourself.
Where you been?
Disco nap.
What?
You look different.
Hmm. Must be the slutty makeover.
No, not that.
Tams?
Mmm?
I've never said this
to anyone before.
What?
I love you.
I always did.
Tams?
Scar?
Morning, Edford.
Do you want some hangover eggs?
I do them with Tabasco and tomato,
kind of like
a bloody mary you can eat.
Fine, be that way. See if I care.
Sorry, mate.
Hey, er, have you seen Tams?
Ed. Wait.
Ed!
You don't sleep with someone
then sleep with their best friend
in the same night.
I thought I was your best friend.
That's not the point, OK?
It's not cool.
Nice work, Tams.
I knew that whole shy, good-girl thing
was just a cover-up
for the massive slut
waiting to be unleashed.
Shut up.
It was a compliment.
What's going on?
She slept with both of us.
Me first, then you.
Mmm.
It was an accident.
Now, it's
a really lovely family home.
Oh, my...
Hi. Dianne, is it?
I meant to call you
and tell you we're not selling.
Ever.
Now what?
Breakfast.
Clean up.