Ryan Hansen Solves Crimes on Television (2017–…): Season 1, Episode 2 - Jane D'Oh! - full transcript
Hansen and Mathers investigate the murder of two actors disguised as a murder-suicide. Hansen is concerned about his audition for a role in an upcoming movie about Alexander Hamilton.
Whoo-whoo!
We got straight up picked up, y'all!
Pilot to series, suckas!
YouTube Red is in da hiz-ouse
with seven... count them...
seven more eps of this bad boy
right in your pie hole! Bam!
YTR guys said there was a "less
than normal" viewership loss
from this crazy viral twerking cat video
that they linked us to.
"Less than normal"...
Their words, not mine.
Crushing it!
BT-dubs, I want to give
a shoutout to my co-star,
the honorable Detective Jessica Mathers.
Ugh. I mean, she really made
me better in every scene.
Chemistry is a two-way street, okay?
'Cause sometimes you
have stoplights, sure,
and sometimes there are
unprotected left-hand turns.
But you got to keep going.
Because traffic, right?
But I'm not gonna let
this show go to my head.
No. I'm all about finding my center,
staying grounded, staying mindful.
And that's why I'm out here
reconnecting with nature.
It's just so real up here,
away from the hustle and bustle
of the L.A. scene, you know?
So rejuvenating, a real flow state
out here in the wild, away
from the hashtag grind.
I mean, honestly, I do
not know how the writers
are gonna improve on the pilot.
It's such a barn burner!
It's, like, how do you
top opening on a dead body?
Two dead bodies.
What the fuck are you wearing?
Oh, it's for an audition later.
Oh. Is it to be a talking hand job?
Because you're nailing it.
No, it's for "Hamilton," the musical.
They serve dinner during it?
Ha-ha. No, it's for the movie version.
They're doing, like, this
action reimagining of it
without the songs.
Going in for Aaron Burr.
He's, like, the co-lead.
He was played by a black
guy in the original,
but originally originally,
he was a white guy,
so I'm kind of right for it.
But, like, not in a
racist way or anything.
More like returning to the
source material or whatever.
Look at me. Look at my eyes.
I literally do not give a fuck.
Move.
Oh!
Hilarious. Great delivery.
Anyhow, been binge-watching
that milk commercial
like a million times to really
get inside his head as a character.
Doing a deep dive on this one.
Pete Berg is directing.
I hear all the actors
are gonna go through
Navy SEAL training for it.
How cool is that, right?
I mean, if I get this, it
could totally change my career.
Anyway, I'm wearing this period plumage
just to really, fully
immerse myself in the role.
Streep says 80% of
acting is wardrobe, so...
Unfortunately, the other 20% is you.
Now, if you wouldn't
mind shutting the fuck up
so I can do my job...
Our job for seven more
episodes, guaranteed.
Partner.
Come on.
Hey, you... You first on?
Yeah. Yeah, I was just down the block
when the call came
through, came right over.
Oh! Ryan!
- What's good, Frank?
- Yes!
Good to see you, bud.
- Wait, you... you know him?
- What, Frank?
Of course I know Frank.
The Frank-enator. The Frank-enstein!
Watch out!
Here I come!
Oh, man,
everybody down at the
precinct loves this guy.
- Come on.
- Oh, hey, speaking of which,
you still owe me 20 bucks, Hansen.
You better be joking right now,
'cause you didn't eat the whole thing.
- That was the bet.
- Oh, come on.
I got it in my mouth, at least.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey,
sorry to interrupt
international grab-ass hour,
but do you guys mind knocking it off?
- Sorry.
- Sorry, Detective.
Now, run it for me.
It happened last night.
No signs of forced entry,
nothing missing from the house
as far as we can tell. No witnesses.
Neighbors found them this morning.
- It's pretty thin.
- We got names?
John Smith and Jane Doe.
Wait, you haven't I.D.'d them yet?
No, those are their real names.
God, I hate this town.
- Is this his place?
- Yeah. Yeah.
She lives off Melrose with a roommate.
And do we know what's in the vial?
Not yet. Lab boys are spinning it now.
Thank you, Officer.
Thank you, sir... or, ma'am.
Off... I'm just gonna
go with "Detective,"
we're gonna call it
that. Okay, Detective.
All right. See you at poker night.
- Hell, yeah.
- All right, buddy.
What's your read on this one?
Well, they're dead.
Mm. Same, same.
What do you make of their outfits?
Maybe they found out
they were auditioning
for the same role as you
and decided to kill
themselves out of shame.
No chance. These aren't working actors.
Mnh-mnh... not with those haircuts.
Okay, Little Lord Fauntleroy,
what you're looking at here
is your garden-variety murder suicide
with a sprinkle of Los
Angeles-normal cosplay
thrown in for funsies.
Quick version... yada, yada,
motivation, she stabs him.
Ugh!
Then tosses back whatever Hemlock Light
is in that vial there to off herself.
No forced entry,
his blood literally on her hands.
Adds up pretty clean.
And that's what bothers me about it.
It's too clean.
Oh!
That was so sick, such a good
line, total trailer moment.
"It's too clean."
Right?
Oh! Can I give you a note, though?
I think you could zhuzh
it up a little bit.
Check this out.
That's what bothers me about it.
It's too clean.
Right? Better.
Now, you might want to
consider, maybe, a toothpick,
maybe a match in your
mouth, you know, like,
you're always chewing on something.
Could be your thing, I don't know.
Plus, you know, mouth props.
You're a mouth prop. Come on.
What? Where we going?
To Jane Doe's house to
talk to her roommate.
Ooh, ooh! Or a red coffee straw,
like she's addicted to caffeine,
but we never come out and say it.
Like, a total mystery,
baller back story.
- Jesus.
- What?
Hello!
Yeah, they're dead.
Why don't you take that thing off?
It's, like, 100 degrees out.
No way. Art is suffering.
Yeah, especially when you do it.
You make fun, but I'm going
to nail this audition tonight.
Wait, your audition's tonight?
Yeah. 9:00 p.m.
They hold auditions that late?
Yeah. It's sort of like
an after-hours thing.
The assistant associate casting director
said I should come in
after they're closed.
I guess she doesn't want me
to intimidate the other actors,
you know, keep it on the low.
Plus, I paid her 200 bucks.
So, it's a secret audition?
Exactly.
I'm pretty much the
"Zero-Dark-Thirty" of auditioning.
Swoop in at night, kill Osama...
you know, in this case,
Osama would be the audition,
not, like, a real person.
So, we better solve
this case by 9:00 p.m.
or you are on your own,
'cause nothing is gonna keep
me from landing this one, baby.
Set alarm for 9:00 p.m., the
moment my life changes forever.
True change comes from within.
Stupid phone.
Okay. So, what do we
know about this place?
We know she lived here.
Mm-hmm. Good. Strong clue.
Just shut up and let me do the talking.
Hey, you think I should have a badge?
No.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Why?
- Because you're a moron,
and it would be illegal,
but mostly the first part.
How am I supposed to give
an authentic performance
if they won't let me
have a gun or a badge?
I guess you'll just have to rely
on the suspension of disbelief.
Huh?
Just... stay here, all right?
I'm gonna take a look around back.
Hey, what do I do if
someone comes to the door?
Just tell them the British are coming.
I'm from San Diego. That
literally makes no sense.
Do I have a boyfriend?
Why?
You want to take me out sometime?
I'm making some popcorn.
Mathers!
Hey!
Gonna watch a video.
Yeah.
Mathers!
Oh! Aah!
Yeah, I love scary movies.
Clooney!
Aah!
Ugh!
Yo!
What the hell, man?
Who are you?
I'm Ryan Hansen.
Who?
Ryan Hansen, Nickelodeon
Slimetime-nominated actor.
I just totally saved your life, baby.
You think you saved my life?
- Yeah.
- From who?
The killer, duh.
I think he broke my arm.
That's my scene partner, douche.
We're rehearsing.
Whoa, Jesus!
Dingbat, what the fuck did you do?
Hey, my bad, dawg.
It's good, right?
What's up, man? Sorry, man.
Ryan Hansen.
Clooney!
Did you really yell
"Clooney" before attacking?
George Clooney is my spirit animal.
Well, your spirit animal
is about to get this city
in a serious Goddamn lawsuit.
That slapdick Spielberg you
assaulted is threatening to sue.
- Captain, it was an honest...
- No, Detective, you don't get to talk.
You're already on thin ice.
Honestly, if I had a badge,
I don't think any of
this would have happened.
- You want a badge?
- Yeah.
Then become a real cop
and stop dressing up
like you're in "The Nutcracker."
Oh, no, no, this is for
my "Hamilton" audition.
It's period authentic.
Well, I'm period-authentic pissed off.
More genre-authentic, but I
totally honor that feeling.
And before we dialogue
any further on this,
can I just say that I think
it's such a cool cosmic coincidence
that you and the old Captain Jackson
share the same last name.
Are you guys related?
Why? 'Cause we're both black?
I honestly didn't notice.
I don't... I don't see color,
I just see people and auras.
Captain, I let him out of
my sight for two seconds.
It was a mistake, and
it won't happen again.
We got a good lead on the case,
and we'll close it, I promise.
Yeah, you better close it, and quickly,
or Vanilla Ice here
won't be the only one
in this room without a badge.
Now, get the hell out of my office!
FYI, Vanilla Ice does do
a lot for charity, so...
She's dead, Parker.
What do you mean she's dead?
Well, I guess I mean it literally.
I don't understand. I mean,
I just saw Jane yesterday.
Yeah. She was spending
the night at John's,
and they were rehearsing
before the showcase tonight.
Showcase?
Yeah. It's where a
bunch of actors do scenes
from different plays and movies
in front of casting directors.
No, no, I know what a showcase is.
- I'm an actor.
- You keep saying that.
Would I have seen you in anything, or...
This. This show that you're
literally on right now.
This is a show?
- Mm-hmm. -
Who's it for?
- YouTube Red.
- Never heard of them.
No one has. That's the point.
Me and my partner here are gonna
put them on the map, big time.
Boom, Emmy. Boom, Golden Globe.
Boom, other TV award I
can't think of right now,
like, you know, SAG or something.
- Okay, whatever.
- "Whatever" to you.
Ladies, please, can we just focus here?
Yes.
You said she was preparing
for a performance?
Yeah. They were going
to do the death scene
from Baz Luhrman's "Romeo + Juliet."
That explains the costumes.
This makes perfect sense.
No. None of this makes sense.
First of all, "Romeo and Juliet"
was written by William Shakespeare.
Technically, maybe, but Baz's was, like,
way better than the original.
Kind of like "Ocean's Eleven."
Pre
-"Titanic" Leo,
post-"Catalano," pre-"Homeland" Danes.
So good, right?
Plus, not to make this a
history lesson or anything,
but that Roland Emmerich
movie totally disproved
that Shakespeare even existed, so...
Stop! Just stop talking.
Please continue.
They were stressed out.
I know, because we all are.
I'm in the class, too.
Disco and I were in the middle
of doing our scene from "Scream"
when Mr. Hero over here
decided to save the day
and broke Disco's arm.
FYI, not really approaching
this role as the "hero," per se.
More as a troubled protagonist.
Such an obvious choice.
Look, all I'm saying is that
tonight is going to be huge.
There's going to be some
big-time agents' assistants
- in the crowd.
- Really, like who?
What's the class called?
It's Alfonso Diaphano's
Cinematic Scene Study.
Alfonso Diaphano?
That's an actual human being's name?
Yeah. He's, like, one of
the best acting teachers
east of the 405.
He was Taylor Launtner's
on-set acting coach
for, like, all the "Twilights."
His class is, like,
impossible to get into.
You must be pretty good.
Better than you.
Okay, you know what? I do not
like her. I think she did it.
Relax.
Well, it looks for all the
world like your roommate, Jane,
stabbed her acting partner in the chest
and then swallowed some poison
to off herself in the process.
Quite the little scene
stealer, wouldn't you say?
It... it just doesn't make sense.
Nothing in this town does.
No. What I'm saying is,
why would Jane kill John
on the day that he proposed?
She wasn't lying.
Jane updated her Facebook
page that morning.
I didn't see an engagement
ring on her finger.
That's because there wasn't one.
Still doesn't explain why
his blood was on her hands.
We're gonna need some answers.
Totally.
What?
We're just doing our
first walk-and-talk one-er.
- Huh?
- This whole thing has just been
a walk-and-talk one-er.
- What?
- It's a way to make boring plot stuff
seem less boring to the audience.
They did it all the
time in "The West Wing."
So good, right?
Like, say, we just went in a circle,
but, like, nothing really happened. Ugh!
That just did.
We got the lab results an hour ago.
Whoa, time out. You're, like, crazy hot.
Excuse me?
No, I mean that in a good way,
and your face is, like, totally diverse.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Oh, no, I just mean that you
could play, like, a doctor
on TV or something.
I'm a doctor in real life.
Yeah. But you could play a doctor on TV.
Why would I want to do that?
- Huh?
- Yeah, I'm gonna step in here.
What did the labs tell you?
She drank a concentrated form
of a chemical compound, NaOH.
Sodium Hydroxide.
I played a cool chemistry teacher
on a three-episode
arc of "Hart of Dixie."
Season five, no biggie.
He's right.
Sodium hydroxide is the
active ingredient in Drano.
Highly corrosive. She
basically chugged acid.
What about the blood on her hands?
We tested it. It's not his,
and it's not hers, either.
Oh, shit. So, is it alien blood?
Oh, my God.
Ignore him.
So, you're saying there's
a third party involved?
No. I'm not saying it's anyone's blood
because it's not blood at all.
It's corn syrup and food coloring.
Stage blood.
Your partner's correct.
No. He's not my partner.
He's a sanctioned civilian observer.
- I'm getting a badge.
- No, he's not.
It's being discussed.
Excuse me. Look, I don't understand.
Why would she bother
with the stage blood
if she was just gonna stab him, anyway?
This is a prop knife.
The blade is supposed
to retract upon impact,
but someone blocked the
mechanism inside of it,
locking it in place.
So, it's not a murder-suicide?
It's a murder/murder-suicide.
Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Well, okay, I'm sorry I don't
know all the fancy terms, okay?
It's episode two.
We need, like, a technical
advisor or something.
I swear, I'm not gonna make it.
Look, this means that
there's a killer out there,
and we've got to find him.
Or her.
Women can be murderers, too.
Equality, you know.
#I'mWithHer.
- Let's go.
- Where to?
Look, whoever fixed that prop knife
also clearly replaced
the fake poison in her
vial with the real stuff.
And whoever did that had
to know that John and Jane
were going to do that particular scene
at their showcase tonight,
which means that the killer
is in that stupid acting class.
That was awesome!
You're like the first
part of "A Beautiful Mind."
Come on. We don't have that much time.
Okay, hold on one sec.
Hey, Doc Bollywood,
I've got a few light smile
lines coming in here and here.
Can you give them a quick hit?
I'm sorry, are you asking me for Botox?
Yeah, just a bit of a poke-a-roo
with the old freeze juice
before we get out of here.
I've got a big audition... "Hamilton."
Are you fucking kidding me?
Uh, see you later.
Thank you for your time, Mr. Diaphano.
Is there someone in the showcase tonight
that would have a reason
to dislike Jane Doe or John Smith?
Oh, Darling, try everyone.
Jane and John were far and away
the best actors in this class,
and they would have shown it
by blowing all these other
performers off the stage tonight.
I imagine half of them
are secretly thrilled
that those two aren't going on.
You know, the spotlight
is, after all, only so big.
That is so true, so true.
Do I know you from somewhere, soldier?
Probably. I'm Ryan Hansen.
No.
Let me guess, you're
auditioning for "Hamilton."
Yeah, I'm going in for
Aaron Burr, but white.
Makes sense.
I understand it's a total cattle call.
- Thank you.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
You're telling me that an
actor would kill another actor
just for the chance to get noticed?
She's from Cleveland.
I know.
Excuse me.
I've got to go.
But good luck catching
your killer. So dramatic.
Okay, look, there's only one way
to solve this crime
and catch the killer.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
I can promise you I'm not.
We got to go undercover
in tonight's showcase.
We find that engagement
ring, we find the killer.
You feel me, partner?
We're not partners.
You're right.
We are more important than
that to each other now.
We are scene partners.
God, this is gonna be unbearable.
I know, right? Talk
about a showcase showdown.
And I got the perfect
scene for us to do together.
I wrote you 365 letters.
I wrote you every day for a year.
Say your line.
Just say it. It's "The Notebook."
So what?
Everybody loves "The Notebook."
Only white people love "The Notebook."
That's not... just say it!
You wrote me?
Yes!
It wasn't over.
It still isn't over.
God!
Ow!
What the hell was that?
I'm sorry, okay? It was a reaction.
I thought you were attacking me.
Oh, oh, you thought I was attacking you?
What, with my mouth?
How am I supposed to know?
I've never seen the movie, okay?
You've never seen "The Notebook"?
I don't like movies.
I find them hard to believe.
What?
Wait. What the hell are you doing?
These are all the
headshots for all the actors
in the showcase tonight.
On the back are their résumés,
and on the bottom of
every acting résumé
is a little section
called "special skills,"
which nobody ever
reads, except me tonight,
because whoever our killer is...
Has to have a background in chemistry.
I was gonna say "had to
have studied Meisner,"
but yeah, that works, too.
Psh. Cockney?
Anybody can do Cockney.
It's me, Michael Caine.
Huh. Guess how has a minor in
Organic Chemistry from Baylor?
- Hello, hello, hello.
- Told you.
Women can be killers, too.
Not many actresses in this
town know how to synthesize
sodium hydroxide from Liquid Plumr.
And only one person in
Alfonso's class does.
- Hmm.
- You're under arrest, Parker.
Honestly, this is all a
little straightforward.
I was hoping for more of a twist ending.
How's this for a twist?
I mean, it's more of a
reveal, but I'll take it.
There was no way we were gonna
let those two steal the
show from us tonight.
Besides, I'm the one who got Jane
into the class in the first place.
So, you killed your friend
just for a performance?
She wasn't my friend.
She was my competition.
That's not why I killed her.
I killed her because she was
the only one I ever loved.
Oh, shit, lesbian stuff.
So HBO, I love it.
Plus, it really helps us
connect with our LGBQT demo.
Shh.
I get it.
You're not actor-crazy.
You're just crazy-crazy.
So, what's the plan, sweetheart?
Kill us both, make it look
like another murder-suicide?
Why not?
After the performance you two gave,
anyone would believe you
immediately killed yourselves.
How dare you.
Parker, you guys are on next.
Whoa!
Ugh!
Ugh!
Get off me! Go!
We'll split up. She went to the roof.
Okay. You go after him. I'll handle her.
So typical.
What? She's the one without the gun.
Just go!
For those ten seconds or less, I'm free.
I live my life a quarter mile at a t...
Sic semper tyrannis!
Freeze, LAPD!
Someone call 911!
Whoa!
You thought I was a
guest star on your show?
Wrong.
You're just a day player on mine!
Hey, don't you think this
is a little gratuitous?
I mean, I can't tell if
this is super misogynistic
or, kind of, like, a
female empowerment thing.
Can you?
Never fuck with "The Notebook."
Okay. Whoa, whoa, hold on now!
Wait, wait, okay, okay.
Look, I get it.
I know why you killed her.
I know what it's like to love something
that doesn't love you back.
I've been a working
actor for over a decade,
and most people just confuse
me with Ryan Phillippe.
And yeah, after all these
years, I got my own show,
and it's not even on television.
It's on a website that most
people think they jerk off to.
I know your pain, Parker.
I'm the same as you.
We all hurt.
Thank you.
Can I just ask you one thing?
Sure.
What?
Who's your favorite Batman?
Huh?
Clooney!
Took you long enough.
I didn't want to
interrupt your monologue.
Case closed. Cue the sirens.
You tricked me.
It's called acting, bitch.
Look it up.
Your "Hamilton" audition starts now.
I'm... I'm sorry you
missed your audition.
No, it's fine.
We caught the killer, right?
Yeah. Sure did.
Hey, you want to do a
quick aftermath scene?
I think they got a crane.
Nah. I just want to go home.
Move.
Mommy, my finger hurts.
I know, honey.
Just a couple more hours, okay?
Daddy needs as many clicks as possible
to keep his new show on the Internet.
I love this.
It's like the cutest
little sweatshop ever.
Mom, how come I haven't seen a single ad
for stuff I don't want on YouTube?
That's because you're
not on YouTube, baby.
You're on YouTube Red...
YouTube's premium subscription service.
It's a bargain at only $9.99 a month.
Like Netflix?
Well, they both cost the same.
I want to watch "The Crown."
We all do, honey. We all do.
Just keep clicking, okay?
Hang on, you guys are on YouTube Red?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That explains a lot.
What... what site have you
been on this whole time?
A... a very different site
with a very similar name.
However, the category sections
make a lot more sense now.
Hey, Jon.
Daddy!
Daddy!
We've been clicking your show
to keep you Internet famous!
Even though we can't
watch "The Crown" on it.
Or "Stranger Things."
Or "Narcos."
Wow. Thank you guys so much.
Come here.
Why, hello, there, white Aaron Burr.
Hey.
How'd the big audition go?
It didn't. I missed it.
You missed it? Oh, no. Why?
Because he was helping me solve a case.
I couldn't have done it without him.
Well, there will always
be other auditions.
Not for "Hamilton" there won't.
Bye.
You know what? I don't
need "Hamilton," okay?
I got you guys. Come here.
Hey, haircut, catch.
No way. Seriously?
It's a meter maid's badge, but
I don't think anyone'll notice.
See you tomorrow. Thanks.
Mouth prop.
Uhh, anybody know how to
clear a browser history?
Asking for a friend.
Ryan Hansen, self-tape audition
for the role of Aaron Burr in
"Hamilton: American Vengeance."
Too bad, Alexander.
When the bomb I strapped
to your chest goes off,
your dream of an America with a
strong central government goes with it.
I guess I, Aaron Burr,
am finally in the room where it happens.
What?
George Washington, how
did you get in here?
No!
And scene.
On the next
"Ryan Hansen Solves
Crimes on Television"...
Dude!
... Ryan Hansen is...
Beat cop number one.
... Donald Faison is...
Donald fuckin' Faison!
... and Joel McHale is...
I'm Ryan Hansen.
Joel McHale is playing me?
He's going method.
We got straight up picked up, y'all!
Pilot to series, suckas!
YouTube Red is in da hiz-ouse
with seven... count them...
seven more eps of this bad boy
right in your pie hole! Bam!
YTR guys said there was a "less
than normal" viewership loss
from this crazy viral twerking cat video
that they linked us to.
"Less than normal"...
Their words, not mine.
Crushing it!
BT-dubs, I want to give
a shoutout to my co-star,
the honorable Detective Jessica Mathers.
Ugh. I mean, she really made
me better in every scene.
Chemistry is a two-way street, okay?
'Cause sometimes you
have stoplights, sure,
and sometimes there are
unprotected left-hand turns.
But you got to keep going.
Because traffic, right?
But I'm not gonna let
this show go to my head.
No. I'm all about finding my center,
staying grounded, staying mindful.
And that's why I'm out here
reconnecting with nature.
It's just so real up here,
away from the hustle and bustle
of the L.A. scene, you know?
So rejuvenating, a real flow state
out here in the wild, away
from the hashtag grind.
I mean, honestly, I do
not know how the writers
are gonna improve on the pilot.
It's such a barn burner!
It's, like, how do you
top opening on a dead body?
Two dead bodies.
What the fuck are you wearing?
Oh, it's for an audition later.
Oh. Is it to be a talking hand job?
Because you're nailing it.
No, it's for "Hamilton," the musical.
They serve dinner during it?
Ha-ha. No, it's for the movie version.
They're doing, like, this
action reimagining of it
without the songs.
Going in for Aaron Burr.
He's, like, the co-lead.
He was played by a black
guy in the original,
but originally originally,
he was a white guy,
so I'm kind of right for it.
But, like, not in a
racist way or anything.
More like returning to the
source material or whatever.
Look at me. Look at my eyes.
I literally do not give a fuck.
Move.
Oh!
Hilarious. Great delivery.
Anyhow, been binge-watching
that milk commercial
like a million times to really
get inside his head as a character.
Doing a deep dive on this one.
Pete Berg is directing.
I hear all the actors
are gonna go through
Navy SEAL training for it.
How cool is that, right?
I mean, if I get this, it
could totally change my career.
Anyway, I'm wearing this period plumage
just to really, fully
immerse myself in the role.
Streep says 80% of
acting is wardrobe, so...
Unfortunately, the other 20% is you.
Now, if you wouldn't
mind shutting the fuck up
so I can do my job...
Our job for seven more
episodes, guaranteed.
Partner.
Come on.
Hey, you... You first on?
Yeah. Yeah, I was just down the block
when the call came
through, came right over.
Oh! Ryan!
- What's good, Frank?
- Yes!
Good to see you, bud.
- Wait, you... you know him?
- What, Frank?
Of course I know Frank.
The Frank-enator. The Frank-enstein!
Watch out!
Here I come!
Oh, man,
everybody down at the
precinct loves this guy.
- Come on.
- Oh, hey, speaking of which,
you still owe me 20 bucks, Hansen.
You better be joking right now,
'cause you didn't eat the whole thing.
- That was the bet.
- Oh, come on.
I got it in my mouth, at least.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey,
sorry to interrupt
international grab-ass hour,
but do you guys mind knocking it off?
- Sorry.
- Sorry, Detective.
Now, run it for me.
It happened last night.
No signs of forced entry,
nothing missing from the house
as far as we can tell. No witnesses.
Neighbors found them this morning.
- It's pretty thin.
- We got names?
John Smith and Jane Doe.
Wait, you haven't I.D.'d them yet?
No, those are their real names.
God, I hate this town.
- Is this his place?
- Yeah. Yeah.
She lives off Melrose with a roommate.
And do we know what's in the vial?
Not yet. Lab boys are spinning it now.
Thank you, Officer.
Thank you, sir... or, ma'am.
Off... I'm just gonna
go with "Detective,"
we're gonna call it
that. Okay, Detective.
All right. See you at poker night.
- Hell, yeah.
- All right, buddy.
What's your read on this one?
Well, they're dead.
Mm. Same, same.
What do you make of their outfits?
Maybe they found out
they were auditioning
for the same role as you
and decided to kill
themselves out of shame.
No chance. These aren't working actors.
Mnh-mnh... not with those haircuts.
Okay, Little Lord Fauntleroy,
what you're looking at here
is your garden-variety murder suicide
with a sprinkle of Los
Angeles-normal cosplay
thrown in for funsies.
Quick version... yada, yada,
motivation, she stabs him.
Ugh!
Then tosses back whatever Hemlock Light
is in that vial there to off herself.
No forced entry,
his blood literally on her hands.
Adds up pretty clean.
And that's what bothers me about it.
It's too clean.
Oh!
That was so sick, such a good
line, total trailer moment.
"It's too clean."
Right?
Oh! Can I give you a note, though?
I think you could zhuzh
it up a little bit.
Check this out.
That's what bothers me about it.
It's too clean.
Right? Better.
Now, you might want to
consider, maybe, a toothpick,
maybe a match in your
mouth, you know, like,
you're always chewing on something.
Could be your thing, I don't know.
Plus, you know, mouth props.
You're a mouth prop. Come on.
What? Where we going?
To Jane Doe's house to
talk to her roommate.
Ooh, ooh! Or a red coffee straw,
like she's addicted to caffeine,
but we never come out and say it.
Like, a total mystery,
baller back story.
- Jesus.
- What?
Hello!
Yeah, they're dead.
Why don't you take that thing off?
It's, like, 100 degrees out.
No way. Art is suffering.
Yeah, especially when you do it.
You make fun, but I'm going
to nail this audition tonight.
Wait, your audition's tonight?
Yeah. 9:00 p.m.
They hold auditions that late?
Yeah. It's sort of like
an after-hours thing.
The assistant associate casting director
said I should come in
after they're closed.
I guess she doesn't want me
to intimidate the other actors,
you know, keep it on the low.
Plus, I paid her 200 bucks.
So, it's a secret audition?
Exactly.
I'm pretty much the
"Zero-Dark-Thirty" of auditioning.
Swoop in at night, kill Osama...
you know, in this case,
Osama would be the audition,
not, like, a real person.
So, we better solve
this case by 9:00 p.m.
or you are on your own,
'cause nothing is gonna keep
me from landing this one, baby.
Set alarm for 9:00 p.m., the
moment my life changes forever.
True change comes from within.
Stupid phone.
Okay. So, what do we
know about this place?
We know she lived here.
Mm-hmm. Good. Strong clue.
Just shut up and let me do the talking.
Hey, you think I should have a badge?
No.
- Really?
- Yes.
- Why?
- Because you're a moron,
and it would be illegal,
but mostly the first part.
How am I supposed to give
an authentic performance
if they won't let me
have a gun or a badge?
I guess you'll just have to rely
on the suspension of disbelief.
Huh?
Just... stay here, all right?
I'm gonna take a look around back.
Hey, what do I do if
someone comes to the door?
Just tell them the British are coming.
I'm from San Diego. That
literally makes no sense.
Do I have a boyfriend?
Why?
You want to take me out sometime?
I'm making some popcorn.
Mathers!
Hey!
Gonna watch a video.
Yeah.
Mathers!
Oh! Aah!
Yeah, I love scary movies.
Clooney!
Aah!
Ugh!
Yo!
What the hell, man?
Who are you?
I'm Ryan Hansen.
Who?
Ryan Hansen, Nickelodeon
Slimetime-nominated actor.
I just totally saved your life, baby.
You think you saved my life?
- Yeah.
- From who?
The killer, duh.
I think he broke my arm.
That's my scene partner, douche.
We're rehearsing.
Whoa, Jesus!
Dingbat, what the fuck did you do?
Hey, my bad, dawg.
It's good, right?
What's up, man? Sorry, man.
Ryan Hansen.
Clooney!
Did you really yell
"Clooney" before attacking?
George Clooney is my spirit animal.
Well, your spirit animal
is about to get this city
in a serious Goddamn lawsuit.
That slapdick Spielberg you
assaulted is threatening to sue.
- Captain, it was an honest...
- No, Detective, you don't get to talk.
You're already on thin ice.
Honestly, if I had a badge,
I don't think any of
this would have happened.
- You want a badge?
- Yeah.
Then become a real cop
and stop dressing up
like you're in "The Nutcracker."
Oh, no, no, this is for
my "Hamilton" audition.
It's period authentic.
Well, I'm period-authentic pissed off.
More genre-authentic, but I
totally honor that feeling.
And before we dialogue
any further on this,
can I just say that I think
it's such a cool cosmic coincidence
that you and the old Captain Jackson
share the same last name.
Are you guys related?
Why? 'Cause we're both black?
I honestly didn't notice.
I don't... I don't see color,
I just see people and auras.
Captain, I let him out of
my sight for two seconds.
It was a mistake, and
it won't happen again.
We got a good lead on the case,
and we'll close it, I promise.
Yeah, you better close it, and quickly,
or Vanilla Ice here
won't be the only one
in this room without a badge.
Now, get the hell out of my office!
FYI, Vanilla Ice does do
a lot for charity, so...
She's dead, Parker.
What do you mean she's dead?
Well, I guess I mean it literally.
I don't understand. I mean,
I just saw Jane yesterday.
Yeah. She was spending
the night at John's,
and they were rehearsing
before the showcase tonight.
Showcase?
Yeah. It's where a
bunch of actors do scenes
from different plays and movies
in front of casting directors.
No, no, I know what a showcase is.
- I'm an actor.
- You keep saying that.
Would I have seen you in anything, or...
This. This show that you're
literally on right now.
This is a show?
- Mm-hmm. -
Who's it for?
- YouTube Red.
- Never heard of them.
No one has. That's the point.
Me and my partner here are gonna
put them on the map, big time.
Boom, Emmy. Boom, Golden Globe.
Boom, other TV award I
can't think of right now,
like, you know, SAG or something.
- Okay, whatever.
- "Whatever" to you.
Ladies, please, can we just focus here?
Yes.
You said she was preparing
for a performance?
Yeah. They were going
to do the death scene
from Baz Luhrman's "Romeo + Juliet."
That explains the costumes.
This makes perfect sense.
No. None of this makes sense.
First of all, "Romeo and Juliet"
was written by William Shakespeare.
Technically, maybe, but Baz's was, like,
way better than the original.
Kind of like "Ocean's Eleven."
Pre
-"Titanic" Leo,
post-"Catalano," pre-"Homeland" Danes.
So good, right?
Plus, not to make this a
history lesson or anything,
but that Roland Emmerich
movie totally disproved
that Shakespeare even existed, so...
Stop! Just stop talking.
Please continue.
They were stressed out.
I know, because we all are.
I'm in the class, too.
Disco and I were in the middle
of doing our scene from "Scream"
when Mr. Hero over here
decided to save the day
and broke Disco's arm.
FYI, not really approaching
this role as the "hero," per se.
More as a troubled protagonist.
Such an obvious choice.
Look, all I'm saying is that
tonight is going to be huge.
There's going to be some
big-time agents' assistants
- in the crowd.
- Really, like who?
What's the class called?
It's Alfonso Diaphano's
Cinematic Scene Study.
Alfonso Diaphano?
That's an actual human being's name?
Yeah. He's, like, one of
the best acting teachers
east of the 405.
He was Taylor Launtner's
on-set acting coach
for, like, all the "Twilights."
His class is, like,
impossible to get into.
You must be pretty good.
Better than you.
Okay, you know what? I do not
like her. I think she did it.
Relax.
Well, it looks for all the
world like your roommate, Jane,
stabbed her acting partner in the chest
and then swallowed some poison
to off herself in the process.
Quite the little scene
stealer, wouldn't you say?
It... it just doesn't make sense.
Nothing in this town does.
No. What I'm saying is,
why would Jane kill John
on the day that he proposed?
She wasn't lying.
Jane updated her Facebook
page that morning.
I didn't see an engagement
ring on her finger.
That's because there wasn't one.
Still doesn't explain why
his blood was on her hands.
We're gonna need some answers.
Totally.
What?
We're just doing our
first walk-and-talk one-er.
- Huh?
- This whole thing has just been
a walk-and-talk one-er.
- What?
- It's a way to make boring plot stuff
seem less boring to the audience.
They did it all the
time in "The West Wing."
So good, right?
Like, say, we just went in a circle,
but, like, nothing really happened. Ugh!
That just did.
We got the lab results an hour ago.
Whoa, time out. You're, like, crazy hot.
Excuse me?
No, I mean that in a good way,
and your face is, like, totally diverse.
What the hell is that supposed to mean?
Oh, no, I just mean that you
could play, like, a doctor
on TV or something.
I'm a doctor in real life.
Yeah. But you could play a doctor on TV.
Why would I want to do that?
- Huh?
- Yeah, I'm gonna step in here.
What did the labs tell you?
She drank a concentrated form
of a chemical compound, NaOH.
Sodium Hydroxide.
I played a cool chemistry teacher
on a three-episode
arc of "Hart of Dixie."
Season five, no biggie.
He's right.
Sodium hydroxide is the
active ingredient in Drano.
Highly corrosive. She
basically chugged acid.
What about the blood on her hands?
We tested it. It's not his,
and it's not hers, either.
Oh, shit. So, is it alien blood?
Oh, my God.
Ignore him.
So, you're saying there's
a third party involved?
No. I'm not saying it's anyone's blood
because it's not blood at all.
It's corn syrup and food coloring.
Stage blood.
Your partner's correct.
No. He's not my partner.
He's a sanctioned civilian observer.
- I'm getting a badge.
- No, he's not.
It's being discussed.
Excuse me. Look, I don't understand.
Why would she bother
with the stage blood
if she was just gonna stab him, anyway?
This is a prop knife.
The blade is supposed
to retract upon impact,
but someone blocked the
mechanism inside of it,
locking it in place.
So, it's not a murder-suicide?
It's a murder/murder-suicide.
Seriously, what is wrong with you?
Well, okay, I'm sorry I don't
know all the fancy terms, okay?
It's episode two.
We need, like, a technical
advisor or something.
I swear, I'm not gonna make it.
Look, this means that
there's a killer out there,
and we've got to find him.
Or her.
Women can be murderers, too.
Equality, you know.
#I'mWithHer.
- Let's go.
- Where to?
Look, whoever fixed that prop knife
also clearly replaced
the fake poison in her
vial with the real stuff.
And whoever did that had
to know that John and Jane
were going to do that particular scene
at their showcase tonight,
which means that the killer
is in that stupid acting class.
That was awesome!
You're like the first
part of "A Beautiful Mind."
Come on. We don't have that much time.
Okay, hold on one sec.
Hey, Doc Bollywood,
I've got a few light smile
lines coming in here and here.
Can you give them a quick hit?
I'm sorry, are you asking me for Botox?
Yeah, just a bit of a poke-a-roo
with the old freeze juice
before we get out of here.
I've got a big audition... "Hamilton."
Are you fucking kidding me?
Uh, see you later.
Thank you for your time, Mr. Diaphano.
Is there someone in the showcase tonight
that would have a reason
to dislike Jane Doe or John Smith?
Oh, Darling, try everyone.
Jane and John were far and away
the best actors in this class,
and they would have shown it
by blowing all these other
performers off the stage tonight.
I imagine half of them
are secretly thrilled
that those two aren't going on.
You know, the spotlight
is, after all, only so big.
That is so true, so true.
Do I know you from somewhere, soldier?
Probably. I'm Ryan Hansen.
No.
Let me guess, you're
auditioning for "Hamilton."
Yeah, I'm going in for
Aaron Burr, but white.
Makes sense.
I understand it's a total cattle call.
- Thank you.
- Wait, I'm sorry.
You're telling me that an
actor would kill another actor
just for the chance to get noticed?
She's from Cleveland.
I know.
Excuse me.
I've got to go.
But good luck catching
your killer. So dramatic.
Okay, look, there's only one way
to solve this crime
and catch the killer.
You thinking what I'm thinking?
I can promise you I'm not.
We got to go undercover
in tonight's showcase.
We find that engagement
ring, we find the killer.
You feel me, partner?
We're not partners.
You're right.
We are more important than
that to each other now.
We are scene partners.
God, this is gonna be unbearable.
I know, right? Talk
about a showcase showdown.
And I got the perfect
scene for us to do together.
I wrote you 365 letters.
I wrote you every day for a year.
Say your line.
Just say it. It's "The Notebook."
So what?
Everybody loves "The Notebook."
Only white people love "The Notebook."
That's not... just say it!
You wrote me?
Yes!
It wasn't over.
It still isn't over.
God!
Ow!
What the hell was that?
I'm sorry, okay? It was a reaction.
I thought you were attacking me.
Oh, oh, you thought I was attacking you?
What, with my mouth?
How am I supposed to know?
I've never seen the movie, okay?
You've never seen "The Notebook"?
I don't like movies.
I find them hard to believe.
What?
Wait. What the hell are you doing?
These are all the
headshots for all the actors
in the showcase tonight.
On the back are their résumés,
and on the bottom of
every acting résumé
is a little section
called "special skills,"
which nobody ever
reads, except me tonight,
because whoever our killer is...
Has to have a background in chemistry.
I was gonna say "had to
have studied Meisner,"
but yeah, that works, too.
Psh. Cockney?
Anybody can do Cockney.
It's me, Michael Caine.
Huh. Guess how has a minor in
Organic Chemistry from Baylor?
- Hello, hello, hello.
- Told you.
Women can be killers, too.
Not many actresses in this
town know how to synthesize
sodium hydroxide from Liquid Plumr.
And only one person in
Alfonso's class does.
- Hmm.
- You're under arrest, Parker.
Honestly, this is all a
little straightforward.
I was hoping for more of a twist ending.
How's this for a twist?
I mean, it's more of a
reveal, but I'll take it.
There was no way we were gonna
let those two steal the
show from us tonight.
Besides, I'm the one who got Jane
into the class in the first place.
So, you killed your friend
just for a performance?
She wasn't my friend.
She was my competition.
That's not why I killed her.
I killed her because she was
the only one I ever loved.
Oh, shit, lesbian stuff.
So HBO, I love it.
Plus, it really helps us
connect with our LGBQT demo.
Shh.
I get it.
You're not actor-crazy.
You're just crazy-crazy.
So, what's the plan, sweetheart?
Kill us both, make it look
like another murder-suicide?
Why not?
After the performance you two gave,
anyone would believe you
immediately killed yourselves.
How dare you.
Parker, you guys are on next.
Whoa!
Ugh!
Ugh!
Get off me! Go!
We'll split up. She went to the roof.
Okay. You go after him. I'll handle her.
So typical.
What? She's the one without the gun.
Just go!
For those ten seconds or less, I'm free.
I live my life a quarter mile at a t...
Sic semper tyrannis!
Freeze, LAPD!
Someone call 911!
Whoa!
You thought I was a
guest star on your show?
Wrong.
You're just a day player on mine!
Hey, don't you think this
is a little gratuitous?
I mean, I can't tell if
this is super misogynistic
or, kind of, like, a
female empowerment thing.
Can you?
Never fuck with "The Notebook."
Okay. Whoa, whoa, hold on now!
Wait, wait, okay, okay.
Look, I get it.
I know why you killed her.
I know what it's like to love something
that doesn't love you back.
I've been a working
actor for over a decade,
and most people just confuse
me with Ryan Phillippe.
And yeah, after all these
years, I got my own show,
and it's not even on television.
It's on a website that most
people think they jerk off to.
I know your pain, Parker.
I'm the same as you.
We all hurt.
Thank you.
Can I just ask you one thing?
Sure.
What?
Who's your favorite Batman?
Huh?
Clooney!
Took you long enough.
I didn't want to
interrupt your monologue.
Case closed. Cue the sirens.
You tricked me.
It's called acting, bitch.
Look it up.
Your "Hamilton" audition starts now.
I'm... I'm sorry you
missed your audition.
No, it's fine.
We caught the killer, right?
Yeah. Sure did.
Hey, you want to do a
quick aftermath scene?
I think they got a crane.
Nah. I just want to go home.
Move.
Mommy, my finger hurts.
I know, honey.
Just a couple more hours, okay?
Daddy needs as many clicks as possible
to keep his new show on the Internet.
I love this.
It's like the cutest
little sweatshop ever.
Mom, how come I haven't seen a single ad
for stuff I don't want on YouTube?
That's because you're
not on YouTube, baby.
You're on YouTube Red...
YouTube's premium subscription service.
It's a bargain at only $9.99 a month.
Like Netflix?
Well, they both cost the same.
I want to watch "The Crown."
We all do, honey. We all do.
Just keep clicking, okay?
Hang on, you guys are on YouTube Red?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
That explains a lot.
What... what site have you
been on this whole time?
A... a very different site
with a very similar name.
However, the category sections
make a lot more sense now.
Hey, Jon.
Daddy!
Daddy!
We've been clicking your show
to keep you Internet famous!
Even though we can't
watch "The Crown" on it.
Or "Stranger Things."
Or "Narcos."
Wow. Thank you guys so much.
Come here.
Why, hello, there, white Aaron Burr.
Hey.
How'd the big audition go?
It didn't. I missed it.
You missed it? Oh, no. Why?
Because he was helping me solve a case.
I couldn't have done it without him.
Well, there will always
be other auditions.
Not for "Hamilton" there won't.
Bye.
You know what? I don't
need "Hamilton," okay?
I got you guys. Come here.
Hey, haircut, catch.
No way. Seriously?
It's a meter maid's badge, but
I don't think anyone'll notice.
See you tomorrow. Thanks.
Mouth prop.
Uhh, anybody know how to
clear a browser history?
Asking for a friend.
Ryan Hansen, self-tape audition
for the role of Aaron Burr in
"Hamilton: American Vengeance."
Too bad, Alexander.
When the bomb I strapped
to your chest goes off,
your dream of an America with a
strong central government goes with it.
I guess I, Aaron Burr,
am finally in the room where it happens.
What?
George Washington, how
did you get in here?
No!
And scene.
On the next
"Ryan Hansen Solves
Crimes on Television"...
Dude!
... Ryan Hansen is...
Beat cop number one.
... Donald Faison is...
Donald fuckin' Faison!
... and Joel McHale is...
I'm Ryan Hansen.
Joel McHale is playing me?
He's going method.