Russian Doll (2019–…): Season 1, Episode 1 - Nothing in This World Is Easy - full transcript

Yeah. Yeah.

Hey, happy birthday.

♪ Gotta get home
Before the morning comes ♪

- Oh, hey.
- Hey, baby.

♪ Gotta get home before the sun comes up ♪

Hey, happy birthday.

♪ Got a big day
Sorry, can't stay ♪

Cool jacket.

♪ Yeah, gotta get home
Pick up the phone ♪

- Hi.
- Hey.

♪ I'm gonna be late ♪



Hi. How are you?

♪ There was a time when we could dance
Until a quarter to ten... ♪

Hey, birthday baby!

It's laced with cocaine
like the Israelis do it.

Oh.

♪ Carry on and drink
And do the rock and roll ♪

Are you having fun?

Fun is for suckers, Max.

Two minutes ago, I turned 36.

Staring down the barrel
of my own mortality always beats fun.

Don't be morbid. This is your party,

and I'm making you
a fucking birthday chicken.

- Thank you.
- You're welcome.

Oh, my God, that bathroom, so killer.
That door...



- Oh, yeah.
- Straight fire.

I'm the artist and you're the factory.

Lizzy, you made that door?

- No, she made it.
- She built it.

- Congrats. It's terrifying.
- Thank you.

You having fun, birthday buddy?

Fun straddling.
Hey, you're a good person to ask this.

Do, uh... Do ladies have midlife crises?

Why? 'Cause I'm dating a younger woman?

- Younger?
- Dating?

Fine, fucking a 22 year old.

Does she know what 9/11 is?

Does anyone?

Aren't you a little young
for a mid-life crisis?

I mean, I smoke what?
Two packs a day.

I have the internal organs
of a man twice my age.

If I make it to my low 70s,
I'll be shocked.

My cat's gone.

- Oatmeal, no.
- What do you mean, gone?

Well, you know, not gone gone,
but he hasn't been back in three days.

Usually if he wanders off,
he's back at my place or the deli

within 48 hours max.

Oh, he's dead.

No. No, he's not dead.

It's New York City.
You can't let a cat outside.

- You can't.
- Fundamentally, he's a deli cat.

He has survived more
than the three of us can imagine.

Okay, maybe you should consider
making Oatmeal a strictly indoor cat...

to be safe.

Man, okay. You know what?

I don't believe in dictating

the boundaries
of a sentient being's existence.

For you, it's safety.
For me and Oatmeal, it's a prison.

However old you feel, Nad,
you definitely sound 22.

Thank you.
It's my bad attitude that keeps me young.

All right.

Let's make some choices.

So when people say working class,

what they really mean is people
who can't afford to go to college.

So these people, they feel sidelined
by the American dream, right?

So they resort to xenophobia
and the bigotry,

which the right
stokes with pundit bullying,

which is why we're in the situation
we're in now.

It's people voting
against their own interests.

- They don't know...
- You got kids?

- What is that? Your pick-up line?
- Well...

Hasn't failed me yet.

Yeah, I've got a son.

- I don't want to see a picture.
- It's not a picture, it's a text.

Oh, from your wife?

His mother and I split up last year.

Huh.

I have a cat.

Your place is great.

Oh, it's not my place. It's just my party.

You know, this whole building
used to be a school for Jews.

Right.

Seriously.

Yeshiva students used to study the Talmud
right where you're standing.

What do you do?

I'm a software engineer.

You know, I freelance.

Uh, I used to work for Rock n' Roll games.

No shit.

I play Dark Justice all the time.

Battleground Blackout too.
What's your handle?

- I don't play.
- You don't play.

Uh-uh.

Jesus, you're wet.

I know, right?
It's like, don't go chasing waterfalls.

Lisa Left Eye Lopes was always
my favorite because she burned down...

That guy's house.

Hi, do you have a quarter?

- Hi, do you have a quarter?
- No.

You all right?

I think I know that guy.

Okay, here you go. Take it easy.

Worries me a bit.

Let's get some provisions.

I'm telling you, my sister,
you should go for her.

She's fucking hot. She's fucking hot.

- I text her a lot. She doesn't...
- This is great.

I feel like I'm choking you,
but I'm not.

Okay, big boy. All right.

All right. Yes. Yes.

- See...
- That's lambskin.

Now, that's a good call,

'cause my little pussy lips
are allergic to latex.

Well, good, then. Where's the guy?

Wait for me in the back. It's okay.

Hey, Farran, how's it going?

Hey. Ah, it's been better.
Came to get smokes?

You seen Oatmeal?

Uh, not for a while.

Um, I leave the Meow Mix back there,
but, uh, nothing.

- What's up with your friend?
- He's having a rough night.

Dude, I'm telling you.
She's into you.

Okay, 'cause I just texted her.

I talk to my sister all the time,
and she thinks you're hot.

Just text her.

Hey. Hey, legs.

Where's Clockwork Bar?

You want to take a left
at Disneyland, dipshit.

Oh, come on. We're new
to the neighborhood. Where can we party?

- Avenue D and 8th Street.
- All right. Thank you.

Yeah. Yeah.

Was that so hard?

Fucking seriously, bro?

- Okay.
- Jesus.

Nice.

Hey, muchos, bro.

- I think that guy's fucking her.
- All right.

Where did you send them?

A hardware store that closed in 1996.

I don't know why anal play
is still so taboo for straight males.

It's almost parodic at this point, but...

It's like I tell my students...

Hey, I don't want to hear about you
fucking your students. I don't like that.

This whole thing's for your cat?
A tree at the top, cat's at the bottom.

He's a climber, I guess.

That's bold, assuming that my cat is male.

I mean, I get it, right? I'm single
and I choose to foster a pet,

so it must be a pathetic attempt
to fill the hole in my soul

that would otherwise be filled by what?
A penis? No, thanks. I'm full up.

So what do you want me to do?
Call you a sad cat lady

so you could say you aren't one?

Oh, come on.

I mean, being a feline lover is not
and has never been sad.

I mean, the one, in practical application,
just means the one I'm gonna die with.

You know, to take care of me
when I'm infirm and shit.

So, my move is gonna be to wait
till I'm in like my late 60s

and then seal the deal.

That is, of course, assuming
I don't die between then and now.

Why didn't you talk like this
before we fucked?

I didn't know you liked this type of shit.

I thought you were a real sick fuck,
but I see you're pretty deep, actually.

Why don't you come over here
and sit on my face right now?

I would...

but...

I just called you an Uber.

♪ The rain came down ♪

♪ Down, down, down ♪

♪ And the rain came down ♪

♪ Down, down, down, down, down ♪

Hey, little one.

Come here.

- Fuck!
- Oh, my God.

- Holy shit.
- Are you okay?

♪ Gotta get up, gotta get out ♪

♪ Gotta get home
Before the morning comes ♪

♪ What if I'm late? Got a big date ♪

♪ Gotta get home before the sun comes up ♪

♪ Up and away, got a big day ♪

♪ Sorry, can't stay
I gotta run, run, yeah ♪

Sweet birthday baby! Having fun?

♪ I gotta let it people know
I'm gonna be late ♪

It's laced with cocaine
like the Israelis do it.

Max.

You're not having fun?
You hate your party?

What was I just doing?

What? What do you mean?
You were in the bathroom.

- You mean before that?
- Do you ever think it's weird?

You know, just, like, partying
in an old Yeshiva school?

Why would it be weird?

Because this was once,
you know, a... sacred place.

It's New York.
Real estate is sacred.

What's up with you?

Oatmeal... is gone.

Gone? No. He always comes back.

♪ What if I'm late? Got a big date ♪

♪ Gotta get home before the sun comes up ♪

♪ Up and away, got a big day ♪

♪ Sorry, can't stay
I gotta run, run, yeah ♪

♪ Gotta get home, pick up the phone ♪

♪ I gotta let the people know
I'm gonna be late ♪

What's up with the baby?

I don't know.

But if nobody eats my chicken,
I'm gonna fucking kill myself.

- Max, the bathroom looks straight killer.
- Oh, thank you.

Is it vaginal enough?

Okay, let it go. Let... Let that go.

It's a party.

Come on. We're dancing.

It's like John Updike said,

"Every marriage tends to consist
of an aristocrat and a peasant...

of a teacher and a learner."

Since my ex has tenure at...

You got kids?

What is that, your pick-up line?

A son. You have a son.

Have we met before?

I think I have amnesia.

But you just remembered something.
Amnesia means you forget stuff.

You know, it's a myth
that fish have no memory.

Some fish... they can remember months.

And a channel catfish can remember
hearing a human announcing food

up to five years after last hearing it.

Hey.

- Didn't you used to have more fish?
- What?

No. I have two, Ketchup and Mustard.

Are they right-side up?

No, they're alive.

The fucking stairs almost killed me.

Nothing in this world is easy...

except pissing in a shower.

- Hi, Ruth.
- Happy birthday, muffin.

And, no, no, I am not late.
No, it's only 11... ish.

I don't know what I'm doing.

I was gonna go home and fuck this guy,

but now I just feel so profoundly empty.

Do you know when menopause starts?

Uh, why don't we...
sit crooked and talk straight?

I don't know. I was having
the most intense déjà vu,

like I've done this already, you know?
This night, this party.

This conversation?

No, this... This feels... new.

I think this is new.

So that makes me think
that, uh, you know, maybe I'm okay.

This was always gonna be
a tough birthday.

Ruth, you know, you're a great shrink
and everything, but you're not my shrink.

And not everything is about Mom.

But I think she would've been proud
you made it to 36.

Mmm. I don't know. I mean,
she was pretty competitive.

Eh, ipso facto,
maybe she would've been pretty excited

that I was actually finally older
than she ever was.

There you have it.

Okay, I'm gonna make another chicken.

Will you guys eat another chicken?

Top ten idea. Top ten chicken.

Maxine, what is this?

Oh.

I got this
at a Circuit City liquidation sale,

but I put my own projections onto it.

It's a little geeky, but...
I think you guys are gonna like it.

Yeah?

- Yeah.
- Fine. Okay.

Let's... Let's get into it. Okay.

This is a safe space.

I'm looking for a communal experience
and not a solo performance.

Lights, please.

♪ Here it comes, a cure for the night ♪

♪ I've been waiting to let you inside ♪

What the fuck? Oh, hey, Nad.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Are you okay?

Lizzy, does this bathroom
seem weird to you?

- You drink too much?
- Me too.

No. No, no, no, no, no.

- Not more than usual.
- You smoke too much?

Uh, I can't remember the last time I ate,
but then other things are so clear.

Like they already happened
and I'm doing them again.

I think I'm dead.

We're all dead.

Sees a Fellini film once.

Hey, are you okay?

John, yeah, we're all good.
Nad's just a little under the weather.

No, no, no. I'm okay, I'm okay. It's okay.

It's okay. I'm okay.

Are you fucking kidding me?

There are people hopping up and down
on one leg out here.

Oh, well, she's the birthday girl
and he's her ex,

so if I were you, I'd get a backup plan.

You guys aren't out in 20 minutes,
I'll tell the line to wait longer.

Okay, thanks, Lucy.

Hi.

Hi.

♪ All the troubles... ♪

Honestly, I think I'd feel better
if you just told me,

"You sound like a crazy bitch."

No, I just want to understand. So...

you think you were hit by a car
while you were chasing your cat,

and now you're reliving your birthday?

No, I don't think.
I'm telling you it actually happened.

Okay, well, let's say
that you were actually hit by a car.

Again, not hypothetical. Just a fact
is what I'm trying to tell you.

So somebody
who was actually struck by a vehicle

maybe would have marks or something.
But you, right now, look fantastic.

In fact, you look beautiful.

Thank you, but I feel like
we're talking about something else.

I'm grateful that you're complimenting me.

- I'm not...
- You're not hearing me.

I'm just saying
it didn't seem like it affected you,

whatever this thing that happened...

Oh, I see. So now it's just
a metaphor for our relationship.

My point is, is that you're okay.

Ah, yeah, I did smoke
one of Maxine's joints,

and I think that, uh,
maybe it's just, yeah...

Me and cocaine are like oil and vinegar.

I just think
I'm not good at mixing substances.

Or metaphors.

Did I not say like oil and vinegar?
Is that not a fucking simile?

Okay, how are you?

- You really want to know?
- I do.

Well, my divorce is straight up harrowing
at this point,

and... the last six months of my life
have been an onslaught of personal failure

and, uh... other people's misery.

In a fun way?

Sorry.

How is Lucy?

She's gonna be fine.

But...

I miss you very much.

Don't use your kid
to try to guilt me to get back together.

Don't use my kid to ease your guilt.

I lost my cat.

What do you mean?
What happened to Oatmeal?

Doesn't he go out down to the park
and to the deli,

like stuff like that?

It's been...

three days.

You want to go find him?

- Really?
- Yeah.

Remember littering?

Remember Dinkins?

Eh.

I think I know this guy.

Hey!

Do I know you?

What?

Do we know each other?

Fuck off!

Sounds like you guys have a lot in common.

Oatmeal.

Hey!

What are you doing?
Did you not see that car?

That was Oatmeal. Let's go.

No, we're not going anywhere, okay?
I'm taking you home. You need sleep.

You're not gonna help me look for Oatmeal?

I thought Oatmeal was a line you were
using to get me to go home with you.

Oh, you think I need a line.

This is you we're talking about.

I wouldn't have known it was your birthday
party if Maxine hadn't texted me.

Do you know who gets mad about
not being invited to birthday parties?

Little girls. Grow up.

Jesus.

Uh-oh, cars.

Fucking Christ.

♪ If you're going home one evening ♪

♪ And you run into ♪

Oatmeal.

Fuck.

♪ Someone with whom you ♪

♪ Used to rendezvous ♪

♪ If the moonlight and the memories... ♪

Oatmeal.

♪ Carry you away ♪

Oatmeal.

Come here, my little fucking baby.

My little maniac.

Who's a little lost boy?

Yeah, you're the fucking one.

You're the one, baby.

I love you.

Did we do it?

Yeah, we fucking did it.

Oatmeal?

The fuck?

Fuck, fuck, fuck!

Oatmeal.

Fuck.

♪ Gotta get up ♪

Fuck. Excuse me.

♪ Before the morning comes ♪

Sweet birthday baby, having fun?

The universe is trying to fuck with me,

and I refuse to engage.

Do you hear me? I won't do it!

And I don't give a fuck
if you disappear my cat.

Nadia, you're acting a little...

What is in this?

It's laced with cocaine,
just like the Israelis.

No, man, no.
I've tried cocaine many times,

and nothing has ever
fucked me up like this did.

- Yeah, you haven't even smoked it yet.
- All right, Maxine.

If there is a chance, I mean any chance,

that there is something in here
other than cocaine,

I really need you to just tell me.

Come on, Nads. Stop acting
like such a victim. You're a cockroach.

I am not a cockroach.

Why would you call me a cockroach?

What does that even fucking mean,
a cockroach?

You can eat anything,
take anything, do anything.

It's impossible to destroy you.
You'll never die.

I am dying constantly! Ouch!

Nads, if you're gonna act like this,
then maybe you should just leave, okay?

♪ Down by the sea, she knew a sailor... ♪

Don't bail on my party for you!

Look, I'm at a work thing, so just
call me when you get back into town.

I miss you, too. Okay, bye.

- Ow!
- Oh, whoa, whoa!

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

You almost took us both down.

Thanks.

Be careful.

Fuck you.

Fuck.

Be careful.

♪ Like a storm ♪

♪ Lightning striking black and white ♪

♪ You were born ♪

♪ Out of this darkness and light ♪

♪ To this world ♪

♪ With a thorn stuck in your side ♪

♪ I'm a girl ♪

♪ You're a boy ♪

♪ We're left outside ♪

♪ And will ♪

♪ Will you meet ♪

♪ Me by the river's edge ♪

♪ As I lay ♪

♪ Low down my head? ♪

♪ Until they ♪

♪ Hold to thy breast ♪

♪ Just to be ♪

♪ There in my dreams ♪