Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 9 - Cooking Class - full transcript

Well, sir, looks like
it's time for me to begin
my long overdue vacation.

Vacation?

Uh, a little heads-up
would have been nice.

I've e-mailed you daily,
left you dozens
of voicemails,

and for the last six weeks,
there's been this.

I can't decipher
your cryptic clues.

Anyway, here's your schedule
for while I'm away, sir.

"Shedule." Bless you.
(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY)

Mmm-hmm.

All right,
this seems doable.

Sir, we both know
the paper is blank.



You have no meetings,
no calls,

nothing to do.

Can you e-mail me
this as well?

Of course, sir.

So you're going
on vacation, huh?

A little vacay action.

Where's it gonna be?
Florida?

Bahamas?

(STUTTERING)
Virgin Islands, hmm?

I'm not telling you
where I'm going.

If I do,
you'll show up.

Why would I do that?

Because the one other time
I took a vacation,

I told you
where I was going,



and you showed up.

That was a coincidence.

Worst vacation of my life.

I can't believe
you dragged me there.

I didn't drag you...
Or in...

Anyway, as much
as you've come
to depend on me,

I'm sure you'll be fine.

(EXCLAIMS INCREDULOUSLY)
I depend on you?

Wow, that's hysterical.

I have plenty to do
around here.

Yes, this city is full
of barely legal girls

down on their luck,
thinking life
can't get any worse.

Go prove them wrong.

You know, you can't leave

until you get someone
to cover your desk.

Very well, sir.

Oh, will there
be anything else?

Yeah, can you CC
the new guy my "shedule"?

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side
there is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

Oh, yes.
Oh, come on.

What is that?

It's his artificial
seasoning salt.

I've developed an immunity
to regular salt.

Apparently he's on
a quest to become
uninsurable.

Hey...

It's worth it.

It really wakes up
the flavor.

Mmm!

All right, this stuff
is pure MSG.

Uh, honey,
I'm an adult.

Okay, you don't have
to spell things
in front of me.

It stands for
monosodium glutamate.

(SCOFFS) Nerd alert.

You know,
Adam and I are taking
a healthy cooking class.

Mmm-hmm, not my first.

Tell 'em
what I made you.

He carved a radish
into a rose.

Aw.
(GIGGLES)

Hey, you two should
take a class with us.

Oh, that sounds fun.

Based on
previous behavior,
I'm sure my husband

will be eager
to participate.

I'm not gonna pay
to watch this knob
carve a radish.

Come on, we never
do anything together.

Last night,
we watched TV
in separate rooms.

I wanted to watch
The Mentalist.

I was watching
The Mentalist...

All right, you know what?
That's it.

We're doing this.
We're taking
that cooking class.

JEFF: All right,
we'll do this together.

But next week,
I get the big TV
for The Mentalist.

(SIGHS)

Hey, ferny,
I'm not mad,

but in the future,
could you... Hey!

Timmy's back!

Seems about right.

Took me two weeks
with you to die
inside as well.

So how was
the vacation?
Where'd you go?

I went to Chicago, sir.

Ah, Mile High City.

Nation's capital.

Paul Revere and so forth.

0 for 3, sir.

So you seem
to have held up well.

Oh, yeah.
Things went pretty well
while you were gone.

I met a nice little
lady friend.

Oh, good for you, sir.

And just for
record keeping,

did you expense her
or use petty cash?

No, no,
she was a non-pro.

In fact, something special
about this one.

Oh.
She's very...
Oh, here she is.

Radha! Hey, babe.

Come on in.
This is Timmy.

Timmy, this is Radha.
And she knows English,
you don't have to be all,

"Nur-nur, nur-nur,
nur-nur."

Pleased to meet you.

Ah, a British accent.

Yeah, just like you.

(IN BRITISH ACCENT) "Oi!
Sweep the chimney, Governor."

"A little shrimp
on the Barbie."

"Who's been
eatin' me bowl
of Lucky Charms?"

Another huge
swing and a miss, sir.

So do tell,
how did you two meet?

Well, I work
at a restaurant
on 6th Street.

6th Street?

You went
to Indian Row, sir?

Ah, I had a hankerin'.

By the way, Timmy, uh,
can you print out my
schedule for the week?

Yes, just take
any sheet of paper
out of the printer, sir.

BRB.

Oh, hey, Timmy.

Lady Timmy.

Now in healthy kitchen,
we say goodbye to salt,

we say goodbye
to butter...

We should say goodbye
to this class.

Would you stop it?

Oh, no,
that's all right.

It looks like
we've found
our class clown.

Everyone, say, "Hi"
to the class clown.

ALL: Hi.

Ugh.

I look the most
like a chef.

I don't know
that that's important.

It is.

Tomorrow,
we'll be making
free-range coq au vin

with low-fat
potatoes au gratin.

But tonight
is all about prep work.

Now, does anyone know
how to prep a chicken?

I do, chef.

Just calm down,
Wolfgang Suck.

Okay, but before
we prep the chicken,

we are gonna
slice the cheddar.

So just to be clear,
you're asking
the entire class to, uh...

Cut the cheese?

Wow, Adam,
you were not kidding

about having
done this before.

Thank you, chef.

(KISSING)

You're jealous.

Hey, chef.

What do you think
of that mess?

Well, you know,
considering you're
a beginner, it's...

It's not good.

Did you even use a knife,
or just your fists?

(CHUCKLING)
That's a good one,
chef.

All right, just tell me,
am I going home alone
tonight, or...

Okay, let's all bring
our pans to the back.

(SIGHING) I'll take it.

I see an open bottle
of wine back there.

Hey, hang in there,
buddy.

You'll get the hang of it.

Uh, no, I won't,
because I don't
give a crap.

This is stupid.

That's typical.
You can't do it,
so you put it down.

Oh, please.
If I tried,

our dish would
kick your dish's ass.

(CHUCKLES)
Oh, really,
is that right?

Yeah, that's right.
Yeah?

Yeah, you wanna dance?
Let's dance.

Sure.

I mean, maybe after class
we could hit up a salsa club.

No. I mean,
tomorrow night

we have chef Brad
judge our food,

see which one
tastes better.
Oh, all right, fine.

And how about loser
pays for the winner's class?

Done.
Done.

Uh, hey, uh, teach?

Uh, tomorrow night,
could you judge us?

I'm actually
doing that right now.

I meant, could you
judge our dishes,

tell us which one
tastes better?

Oh, that sounds like fun.

Actually, you know,
I was once asked
to be a judge on...

Super, all right.

Ah, Mr. Dunbar, Radha.

Ah, he caught us
on a little R and R...

Russell and Radha.
(CHUCKLES)

I'll never tire of that.

Oh, um, he prefers
his fries...

Much less crispy.

Yes, uh...

BOTH: His teeth
are very sensitive.

Hey, that's my cross
to bear.

Timmy knows.

He's the one
who has to soak
my Doritos every day.

Hmm.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)
Will you excuse me?

Of course.

Oh, my God.

So hot the way
she takes care of me.

Hot?

Yeah, totally.

I mean, between that,
her fancy accent,

her exotic brown skin...

Dude, I could not
be more into her.

And those things
specifically are what
you like about her?

Who knew I had a type?

Yes. Who knew?

Why are you
smashing tomatoes?

Uh, I'm practicing.

If we're gonna
take a cooking class,
let's do it right.

Really?

You're gonna stop
half-assing it?

Yep, tomorrow
I'm going full ass.

Why are you suddenly
into the cooking class?

Well, I realized
you were right,
you know?

We should be able
to enjoy things together.

(CHUCKLES)

Okay,
let's take that again.

Why are you suddenly
into the cooking class?

Because I made
a bet with Adam

that we could cook
better than them.

Oh, God.

Come on, Aud. I'm
just trying to make
it more interesting.

Why would you do that?

Because it's
not interesting.

It was fine, okay?

The whole point
was for us to do
something together.

We still are!

We're gonna
destroy Adam
and Jen...

Together.

You know what?
Forget it. I'm out.

I just wanted to learn
to cook with my husband,

not destroy our friends.

We can do both!

Together!

Hey, big Jeff.
Hey.

This is Radha.
Radha, this is Jeff.

Hello.

Is this a goof?

No, this is my
new lady friend.

Um...

Seems you've changed
your hair, Radha.

Oh, yes.
I had been thinking

of doing something
new with it,

and Russell suggested
I go short.

Did he now?

Doesn't she look
adorable and amazing?

I am amazed.

There you go, babe.
Thank you.

Babe,

you look so sexy
with those glasses.

Seriously.

It's such a guy
thing to turn

even a cooking class
into a competition.

Well, I'm sure
it was Jeff's idea.
(SIGHS)

The other night,
he bet me

he could draw
a better bath
than I could.

Did he?

Yes.

Well, don't worry.
We would never make you
pay for our cooking class.

Well, I mean...

You mean if you
were to win, right?

"If"?

What, you don't
think we could win?

Well, we've been
to your dinner parties.

Oh, I'm kidding.
No!

Of course.
I know you are.

I'm in.
Let's take 'em down.

Nice.

All right, we got this.

Yeah, we do.

We're a team.
That's right.

Hands in,
team Bingham on three.

I'm not doing that.

(FAKING SNEEZE) A tool.

Hey,

I think we're
gonna be okay.

It sounds like Jeff's
getting a cough.

BRAD: All right,

you've got
your ingredients
and your recipes.

Now let's prove
that we can all make

a yummy and healthy
coq au vin.

Here you go, buddy.

Are you trying
to bribe me?

Absolutely not.
I'm just thanking you
for teaching us

how to make the best dish.

(MOUTHING) Right.

That hurt.
I had a lot
riding on that.

Well, good thing
you used a five.

Uh!

No!

(SNIFFLING)

Ooh!
(SCOFFS)

Whoa!

That was a wonderful
evening, Russell.

And thank you
so much for
this jacket.

What a thoughtful gift.

Ah, you really like it?

Well, I usually
prefer a more
feminine look,

but I think
it works.
(LAUGHS)

It works for me.

May I check my e-mail
on your computer?

Oh, uh, my computer?

No, no, no. Uh...

My computer's
actually running
a little slow right now.

I think I got
a virus from some

reputable, completely
work-related website.

So why don't
you use Timmy's,
'cause he's cool with it.

And I will go
troubleshoot mine.

Ah, Radha.

Timmy, I was just
checking my e-mail.

Is that okay?
Of course.

That's a very, uh,
handsome coat.

Thank you.
Russell just
bought it for me.

Huh.

It looks like yours.

Yes, well, nothing
rampantly unsettling
about that.

(CELL PHONE RINGING)

Will you excuse me?
Certainly.

(WHISPERING)
I want you right now.

(BELL DINGS)

All right,
that is time.

Well, this might
be the wine talking,

but that does
not look good.

There has
been a request

for me to judge
two of our couples.

Wow, that is
beautiful plating.

Well, we wanted
it to be elegant
and not...

Thank you, chef.

Good, clean flavors.

Excellent job, you two.

Thank you, chef.

Thank you, chef.

(SHUDDERING)

Wow.

That is...

Also on a plate.

Ours is about taste
and not presentation.

Yeah, yeah.

It may not be
easy on your eyes,

but it will be
easy on your mouth.

Let's calm down
for a second.

I see. Well
this has been
a tough decision,

but I'm gonna go
with Jen and Adam.

Whoo!
Ah!

Hey! Hey, hey, hey!

You didn't even
taste ours.

Busted.

I guess there's
no more putting it off.

Mmm!

That is good.
That is very good.

BOTH: Thank you, chef.

There's a certain
creaminess,

which is hard to coax
out of olive oil.

We coaxed the crap
out of that.

Well, I have
made up my mind.

Jeff and Audrey win!
What?

Yeah!
Yes!

Come on, you son of...
No, look at theirs!

True, yes, it...

(STAMMERING)
It does look like

a fetid pile of barf,

but I was asked
to judge based
only on flavor.

But don't worry, Jen,

you do not have
to pay for our class.

She's drunk.
Of course you do.

And didn't I tell you
healthy cooking
could be delicious?

Well, a student
is only as good
as his teacher.

(CHUCKLING)

Oh, you are
making me blush.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

They used butter.

What?

(EXHALES)

(ADAM STAMMERING)
What... What...

So it turns out
you coaxed nothing.

You just cheated.

You can't prove that.
(SIGHING)

Actually, I saw him
put the butter in.

See, he proved it.

You did not.

Jeff, we...
We could have won
without butter.

What, are you kidding?
I lost a band-aid
in that mess.

Oh, my God.
Don't worry about it.

It wasn't in
the bite you ate.

(STAMMERING)
No, I'm, I'm...

I'm having an
allergic reaction.

To the butter?
Or the lies?

No, I'm only
allergic to MSG.

We did not use MSG.

Are you serious?
You used MSG?

Just a little,
teeny...

Oh, actually
all of it.

Oh, here come
the hives.

(ADAM LAUGHING)

Hey, you guys forfeit.
We win.

Can somebody bring
me to the hospital?

It would be
an honor, chef.

I had a feeling that guy
would be leaving
in Adam's arms.

We cheated...

Together.

(CHUCKLING)

Good morning.

Sir?

It's nice outside today.
It's warm.

Yes, unseasonably so.

Sir, do you perhaps
think we should talk
about what happened?

What's there to talk about?

I was dating a hottie.

You got weird,
tried to turn
yourself into her,

and now she doesn't
talk to me anymore.

Thanks a lot, buddy.

That's your version?

My version,

because that's
what happened.

Do me a favor.

Let's not let
it happen again.

Fine.

I'll do my best, sir.
Okay.

That'd be great.

(SIGHS)

Oh, hey, Radha.

Can I have a chat
with your man?