Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 7 - Role Play - full transcript

[Sighs]

[Grunts]

- Thought you'd already left for work.
- Well, the meeting got cancelled.

So I was hoping
to schedule a meeting for us.

In the... boudoir.

Hmm.

I may have a little time
to discuss some new business.

Hmm.

Let the minutes show
the wife is up for it.

Hmm. Minutes, plural?

That'd be a nice change.



[Ringtone plays]

Please don't answer that.

Hello.

Meeting adjourned.

Really?

I'm... I'm so sorry.

Let me check with Jeff,
and I'll get back to you.

That was Chrissy.
She never got the knicks tickets

you promised her
for her charity auction.

Oh, boy, uh, you'll never
guess what happened.

You forgot?

Wow, first guess.

Look, she was really
counting on that.

Can you still get 'em?



- When's the auction?
- Tomorrow.

One day's notice?

You got to give me
more time than that.

I asked you six weeks ago!

That's too much notice.

Ten days, that's your sweet spot.

Oh, my God.

What? What is that?

[Scoffs] The form you said
you would fill out.

This puts our baby
on our insurance.

So excited.

God, I feel like a single mother.

Okay, just tell me, what can I do?

Anything.

Fill out a form,
empty the dishwasher.

Make a dinner reservation.

Okay, I'll do it.

Do what?

What was the last one?

- Oh, God.
- No, wait.

Dinner reservation,
I'll make one of those.

What's that,
uh, fancy new French place

you've been going on about?

- Dijon?
- Boom!

Gonna make a reservation for us.

Yeah, well, it takes a month
to get in there.

All right, then, write it down.

One month from today,
you and I are going

to, uh...

Dijon.

That's the one!

I'll call and make a reservation.

It's happenin' right now.

So you never made the reservation?

No, I did not.

I meant to call,

but then my buddy texted me

with this sweet
fantasy baseball trade.

So, how pissed was Audrey?

I mean, was she, like,
yosemite Sam pissed?

Yeah, what was up with that guy?

I heard he was bipolar
or something.

Yeah.

Look, obviously,
I haven't told her yet.

Why?

Is anything obvious to you?

Because if Audrey
doesn't know about it,

it's not a screwup yet.

Like when a tree falls
in the forest.

If there's nobody there to hear it,

it doesn't make a noise.

Of course, it does.

How do you know,

if there was nobody there
to hear it?

Well, because, Jeff, I mean...

You know, when, like...

Whoa.

Exactly.

Now, I still have a day

to try to get into that restaurant.

So the tree hasn't fallen yet.

Yeah, hey, I get that.

I don't get that.

♪ How many ways to say
I love you ♪

♪ How many ways to say
that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side

♪ there is no denying

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

ah.

Good morning, sir.

Why the toothy grin there, squanto?

No reason in particular.

Just go in your office.

Oh.

Is there a bee in there?

What? No.

'Cause there was a bee in there once,
and it was not a good day for me.

I was not proud of how I reacted.

I assure you, there is no bee.

Just go in.

No bee.

[Singsong] Hey, ex-hubby.

Oh, yuck.

Come on, dude. Liz?

Why'd you let her in my office?

Because I take pleasure
in your misery, sir.

Liz is such a nightmare.

What do you think?

Should I bang her?

Absolutely not.

Yeah, I'm on the fence too.

See, I promised myself

I'd only bang nines from now on.

And Liz is a three.

I'm being generous.

So, if we do it three times,

that would...

Crunch those numbers for me, Timmy.

Three times three is nine, sir.

It is? Ooh!

Hold my calls.

Okay, Liz, you're in luck.

'Cause I'm in a bit of a slump,

and, according to Timmy,

the numbers check out,

so let's do this.

Russell,

I'm here because I have
something to tell you.

I am a sex addict.

Well, listen,
if you gots to have it,

[singsong] Then I gots to give it.

No, you're not hearing me, Russell.

I joined sex addicts anonymous.

And part of the program
is apologizing

to those I wronged.

I'm not here to make love.

I'm here to talk.

Well, can we talk in-between?

'Cause we gots
to do this three times

to make the numbers work.

Adam, everyone's heard
of wedding cake.

Nobody's ever heard of wedding pie.

'Cause I am in the process
of inventing it.

Okay, Tim, you go
to a wedding, right?

It's dessert time.

Now, do you want

[yawning] Boring old wedding cake?

Or do you want to break me off

a sweet slice
of that wedding pie, bro?

He only wants pie
so a pie fight will break out.

You can't have a table full of pies

and not expect a pie fight.

That's why I don't want pie!

God, sometimes I feel like

I'm marrying Larry, moe, and curly.

I'm sorry, who?

The three stooges.

Ah, yes.

I've heard of them,

but I've never seen any
of their films.

Oh, my God, not even the one
where they're plumbers,

and everything goes wrong?

No.

What about when they're
in the old west,

and everything goes wrong?

Maybe I wasn't clear, Mr. Rhodes.

When I said I'd never seen
any of their films,

I meant that.

Aw, T, that's it.

What's it?
Oh, please don't.

Too late.

[Claps hands] Tonight.

My house.
It's stooge night.

I have no doubt about that, sir.

It got so bad that,

even in the short amount
of time we were married,

I was unable to remain faithful.

Whoa.

So, uh...

Who's the guy?

Guy?

Singular?
[Chuckles]

How many were there?

Can you count 'em on one hand?

Well, yes,

if that one hand
was holding a calculator.

Let's see, there was, um,

the guy who rents boats
in the Park,

an assistant manager at Arby's,

and a couple of waiters.

Arby's doesn't have waiters.

No, I mean people literally waiting

for me and the assistant manager
to finish.

- Oh, no.
- I'm sorry.

I know now,
from my sex addiction meetings,

that I was just trying
to fill a void.

Did you have
to fill it so many times?

Oh, really?
You can give me a table?

Oh, my God, you may have just
saved my marriage.

4:45 or 11:30?

At 4:45, will I still
get the lunch prices?

Hello?

Hey.

Ah, I'm so excited.

I got my new dress
for tomorrow night.

Oh, I am really fired up, too.

In fact, I don't know
if I can wait until 8:00.

Uh, hey, here, new thought.

What if they can take us earlier?

What, like, 7:30?

7:30, 4:45, somewhere in there.

4:45?

No, you're right, later's better.

Maybe we go at 11:30.

Catch the local news first,
have something to talk about.

I want to eat at 8:00
like we planned.

Then that is when you will eat.

All right, do you want
to see my new dress now,

or, uh, do you want
to be surprised tomorrow night?

Let's save all the surprises
for tomorrow night.

[Laughs]

Oh!

Why aren't you laughing?

I just don't get it, Mr. Rhodes.

Oh, no, it's okay, Tim.
Took me a while, too.

Okay, see, the society lady,
she's having a party, right.

But she's got a problem
with her plumbing.

I understand that.

What I don't get is
why anyone would hire

these buffoons as plumbers.

I can't imagine
they're licensed or bonded.

And if there's so much
acrimony among them,

why don't they just
go their separate ways?

Moe just hit curly
in the head with a pipe.

You don't think that's funny?

No, I think it's attempted murder.

[Exhales]

Oh, hey, so...

Manage to get into
that fancy restaurant yet?

No, and running out of time.

Soon the other shoe's gonna drop.

Ah.

But is there anyone
there to hear it?

Dude, we're not doing that anymore.

No?

When Audrey finds out
I've blown it, I'm a dead man.

Be a long time before daddy
gets any lovin'.

You know, it's too bad
you're not a celebrity.

You know, they get these
last-minute tables all the time.

- Really?
- Yeah.

True. I've gotten Mr. Dunbar
into places

claiming he was a celebrity.

Yeah, what happens when this
no-name loser schlub shows up?

Ah, none taken.

The key is to find someone
he looks enough like.

- Mm.
- Tom petty.

Macaulay Culkin.

And the age-old standby,
Ellen Degeneres.

[Clicks tongue]

Ellen? Really?

Oh, yeah.

- Huh.
- All right, I'm outta here.

Where are you going?

Put on a pants suit
and go tape your show?

No, I'm gonna meet Liz at her
sex addicts anonymous meeting.

Ah, she finally convinced you
to go get help, sir.

No, she convinced me somewhere

there's a room full of nymphos
with no impulse control.

And if they gots to have it...

All: You gots to give it.

Yeah, I gots to give it!

Ah, you look fantastic.

Thank you.
What's in the bag?

Just got something to make
the night a little more fun.

Honey, you know the restaurant
already has scotch.

I love your sense of humor.

I was thinking that any old idiot

can make a dinner reservation.

Yeah. You proved that.

But I thought that we'd
take it to a whole new level.

And do a little role playing.

All right, Jeff, could you just

pretend to be interested
in the dinner

instead of just what happens
back at the apartment?

I'm not just talking
about what happens after dinner,

I'm talking about role-playing
the whole night.

Really?

What, uh...

What role did you have in mind?

What's say tonight you

are Nicole Kidman?

[Laughs]

Well, how oddly specific.

Uh, so you want me to wear this
to the restaurant?

Yes, I do, Nicole.

[Laughs]

Seems pretty weird.

Fun weird.

All right,
I like that you're trying.

Are you gonna be somebody too?

I could, if there was somebody...

Yeah, Daniel Craig.

You had that one
locked and loaded, did ya?

[People chattering]

[Knocks]

Russell.

You listened to me and came.

Well, I realized you were right.

Maybe I could become
a better person somehow

by... jeez, what a sausage hang.

- Where's all the talent?
- Hello.

Uh-uh.

Look, if you're
not here to get help,

you might as well just leave.

Happy to.

I don't want to sit around

and listen to a bunch of guys
brag about getting a lot.

I'm gonna grab
some entenmanns and bounce.

- Hey.
- Hi.

I'm Russell.

Have you made a mess
of your life with sex too?

Yeah, I have.

Well, come on.

Let's start the healing.

Sorry. Old habit.

That's why we're here,
though, right?

- [Laughs]
- I hope, cecily,

I shall not offend you
if I state quite frankly...

Now, this...

This is comedy.

This blows.

Mr. rose, I assure you,

the importance of being earnest
does not blow.

Hey, I'm just gonna
close my eyes, okay?

Just wake me if and when
Ernest goes to camp.

I can't believe
we're actually here.

What's not to believe?

I made a reservation.
Here we are.

Put these on.

In here?

It's what Nicole would do
so as not to be recognized.

[Scoffs] Fine.

[Clears throat]

Good. Wait...

There.

Even better.

[Giggles]

You go to the bar and have a drink.

Daniel Craig will check us in.

[Gruff] Okay, mate.

What was that?

Nicole Kidman.
She's Australian.

Sounded more like a pirate.

Well, if we're giving
each other performance notes,

I bet Daniel Craig
could suck in his gut

enough to button his tuxedo pants.

Welcome to dijon, sir.

Do you have a reservation?

Yes, we spoke earlier today.

I am with [Whispers]
miss Nicole Kidman.

Ah, yes.

We'll seat you right now, sir.
And miss Kidman is...

At the bar.
She's very private.

Don't look at her.

We always respect
the privacy of our guests.

I expect nothing less from
such a classy establishment.

[Button falls on floor] Oh, crap.

Button just came off my pants.

Okay, I've shared
a lot with you people,

but this one is a doozy.

My darkest hour.

May 14th, 2011.

Hey, that's our wedding day.

That's right.

I felt so horrible about myself
that I actually married him.

Russell T. Dunbar.

What happened to "anonymous"?

And, uh, for the record,

we aren't married anymore,
so I'm good to go.

We all have to hit
our rock bottom, Liz.

I mean, kerplunk.

[Applause]

I think we all understand
what you're saying.

Would anyone else like to share?

Let's hear from a lady.

I could really use some support.

Not you.

You.

And remember,
we're all friends here,

so feel free to be
as filthy as you'd like.

You know, Russell,
instead of deflecting,

why don't you actually
share something?

Oh.

Okay.

Uh, I'm here because I too

carry a heavy burden.

In my pants.
[Chuckles]

It's hard to walk.

You're not taking this seriously.

No, he's not, and he never will.

Russell, sex will always
control your life.

Yeah, that's the plan.

Look,

we've all been there.

Sex is a tasty temptress,

whether it's on the floor
of a tollbooth

on the Jersey Turnpike

or on a delicious pile of arby's
roast beef and cheddars,

but at the end of the day,
nothing changes

unless you are willing to look
yourself in the mirror and ask,

"am I truly happy living this way?"

Wow.

I do make some
pretty shallow choices.

Maybe it's time for a change.

Or you wanna get outta here?

Eww, no.

[Inhales]

Ugh, all right. Come on.

Anne, wait.

You're better than this.

- I'm really not.
- Atta girl.

I gotta say,
this is a really great night.

The first of many.

From now on, you can count on me
to get things done.

Mm. Thank you.

And I have to admit
I was a little skeptical

about you coming through this time.

Based on what?

Every other time.

But how 'bout a toast?

To you proving that you can
actually step up

and be a helpful...

Excuse me for interrupting.

We just wanted
to offer this as a gift,

and say what an honor
it is to have...

- You're not Nicole Kidman.
- What?

Put these back on. You weren't
supposed to look at her.

Why would he think
I'm actually Nicole Kidman?

Because I was told to hold
a table for Nicole Kidman.

You're not Nicole Kidman.

You never made
the reservation, did you?

Not in the traditional sense.

He called this afternoon
and promised Nicole Kidman,

but you're not Nicole...

Yes, I know I am not Nicole Kidman.

God, this is so humiliating.

You did say this was a gift.

[Sighs]

It's hard for me to gauge

how you're feeling
towards me right now.

'Cause of the separate cabs
and all.

I can't believe you did that to me.

How embarrassing.

Fun embarrassing?

No!

God, all you had to do
was make one phone call.

I know, I...
What's with me?

Come on, Jeff!
Pull your head outta your butt!

Do not do that thing where you
pretend to be mad at yourself

so I can't be mad at you.

You're right.
I do that.

Come on!
What am I trying to pull here?

You know, I...

I just thought tonight was a sign

that you were really gonna change.

I did too.
This was expensive.

But if it,

you know, makes any difference,
I really am sorry.

Whatever.

I guess it's just on me
to lower my expectations.

- Wait a minute.
- What?

What was on this table
this morning?

Two empty beer bottles
and the crumbs from your hoagie?

What else?

Oh, that envelope I asked you
to mail for my lamaze class.

You mailed it?

It's not there, is it?

So that's something, right?

Big deal, babe.

You stuck a stamp on an envelope
and dropped it in a mailbox.

It wasn't already stamped?

It doesn't matter,
because when it comes back,

I'll get another shot,
I'm gonna nail it!

Still doesn't make up
for tonight, Jeff.

Wait.

I know what will.

Dinner at 11:30.

Not so bad.

Yeah, it's very European.

Well, welcome back.

May I start you off
with something to drink?

Uh, no, thanks.

Uh, just a bucket of ice
for this, please.

Oh, miss Morgan.

Came by for lunch?

No, we are going pie tasting.

Yup.
Once she gets a taste...

I've had pie before, Adam.

Oh, anyway,
here's your stupid Ernest movie.

Thanks.

Though I do wish we could've
found a comedic common ground.

Yeah. Or at least something
we both thought was funny.

Timmy, I think
there's a bee in here.

This could be our common ground.

Timmy, there is a bee in here!
Timmy!

[Squealing]

[Laughing]
I can watch this all day.

Oh, let's, then.

[Screams]

Timmy, open up!

Timmy! Timmy!
Aah! Aah!

[Chuckles]

He really does look like Ellen.

Yeah.

- [Thud]
- Ohh...

Timmy! Anyone?

Adam, help me!

[Tiny voice] It's stinging me!