Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 6 - Baby Talk - full transcript

"And then the dinky winky bunny asked
porcupine, 'are you my mommy?'

"the porcupine said, 'I'm too
bristly to be your mommy.

"Go ask wise owl.'

"so the dinky winky bunny...

Hop, hop, hopped
over to wise owl's tree."

Hey, Jeff.

Oh, hey! I'm reading to the baby.
You want to read some?

Oh, it's not really my thing.

Oh, come on.
We could pick an easier book.

Oh, dagnabbit.
That's a good one.

No, thanks.



The only thing I want to read
is "drink responsibly"

on the side of my beer can.

Then ignore it.

Come on, just try it.

You didn't listen
to classical music with us.

You won't read to her.

When are you gonna
get involved with our baby?

When it's here,
when we actually have one.

After it burrows its way
out of this whole mess.

I think it's gonna be just
like groundhog day, you know?

The baby's gonna come out,
take one look at her dad,

and then crawl back in.

I just don't see why you're
doing all this baby stuff

when it's not even here yet.



She can hear things, can't you?

Can't you, my precious little angel?

I don't think anyone
needs to hear that.

She moved.

You see?
She likes it.

I'm thinking her move was...

[Imitates crying]

sir, have you by any chance seen
today's Wall Street journal?

Ah, you know what?
I'm more of a usa today guy.

Check out this informative pie chart.

The red is winning.

That'll be all, Timmy.

No, it won't, sir.

Today's journal
has a guest column entitled,

"the influence of foreign capital

on the New York real estate market"...

Snoozer.

- By Russell Dunbar.
- Ah, that's me!

- Give me, give me.
- Yes, it is you,

despite the fact that I wrote that
article and gave it to you for feedback.

Oh, yeah.
I read it. I wasn't a fan.

That'll be all, Timmy.

No, it won't, sir.

For five years, I've been toiling
in obscurity waiting for the day

when I finally get
the credit I deserve.

But instead, I get this.

I give you credit all the time.

Name me one instance.

Yesterday.

I cut one in the elevator.
I told everyone it was you.

It wasn't me.

Says he who denied it.

How did my article
get published with your byline?

Oh, they called me and asked
me if I had an editorial.

And I looked down, and yours
was right in the trash.

And you just took the opportunity
to send it in as your own?

Yes, I sent it in because my
assistant was nowhere to be found...

Probably loading up on fiber for
his next elevator adventure.

That will be all, Timmy.

So, Russell, our wedding is
less than three months away.

Are you gonna let us use your house in
the Bahamas for our honeymoon or what?

Uh, have you considered my terms?

I'm not up for sharesies
on our wedding night.

How about I fly in the next night?

No!

Oh, hey.

Nice editorial
in the journal by the way.

Oh, yeah, thanks.
I worked really hard on it.

Yeah.

Absolutely deplorable.

Look, the truth of the matter is,

is that it was not Mr. Dunbar
who wrote the article.

I wrote it.

Um, I don't think so, Timmy.

This picture looks
exactly like Russell.

And a little like Anne Heche.

Acclaimed actress,
sexual boundary pusher...

I'll take it.

Besides,
if I didn't write the article,

then why am I being asked to
speak at this business seminar?

"Real estate strategies expo""
you've got to be kidding me.

I'll save you a seat, buddy.

- Not going.
- Aw.

Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, buddy.

Look, I don't know how they
do it where you come from...

- Yeah.
- Okay?

But here, in this country,

we support our friends
when we do something good.

- He didn't do any...
- Oh, yeah.

- I was the one who...
- Here we do it.

- Hey.
- Hey.

Jeff, Audrey's not with you?

She's up in the apartment
reading to the baby.

Um, but the baby's still in Brenda.

She thinks you can bond
with the baby before it's born.

Oh. Well, she's right.

You see, the final trimester...

A fetus's senses, including hearing,

are almost fully developed.

I mean, they can be very receptive
to outside stimulus, so...

What?
I-I read things.

All right.

I saw it on the talk.

It's like the view, but it's on CBS.

So it can actually work?

Yeah, and it's nice that
Audrey's getting a head start.

Nice?

Kid's gonna be on her side
before it even comes out.

- A mini Audrey.
- Mm.

My worst nightmare.

It's not like you win
any arguments anyway.

That's true.

Imagine a little micro Audrey
next to her, cheering her on.

"Yeah, mommy, get him!

Cut him down!
Nail him, mom."

Whoa, dude.

You looked just like Chucky
when you did that.

Yeah.

Youthful star of a successful
film franchise...

I'll take it.

Hey, bren.

[Whispering] Bren.

Hey, it's your dad, Jeff Bingham.

How's it goin'?
Everything okay in there?

I'm looking forward to meeting you.

I have already set up your 529 plan.

It's a way to save for college
with some nice tax benefits.

[Baby voice] But I don't want
to go to college.

I want to be a stripper!

Sorry to wake you.

I was just talking to the baby,
trying to bond with it.

Oh, well, then maybe
don't call her "it."

[Sighs] This whole thing
is stupid, really.

No, it's not.

I mean, you know,
everything you're saying is,

but when Audrey talks, she moves.

It's like she's
responding to her voice.

All right.

She has her book.
I've got mine.

O Shea can you see:
The mookie Wilson story.

Jeff, do you really think...

- "Chapter one"...
- Okay.

So you can relax in here until
it's time for you to speak.

All right.

And your speech is
on the teleprompter.

All right.
Not too many big words, right?

It's your article.
They're all your words.

Yeah, 'cause I wrote it.

Is there anything else
that I can do for you?

Actually, there is.

During my speech,
I'm gonna use this laser pointer

to highlight a few specific
female members of the audience.

Those are the ones I'd like to be
brought back for the after-partay.

Oh.

I guess we can arrange
some sort of meet and greet

after the "Q" and "A".

The "Q" and... "A".

Meaning?

Questions and answers
with the audience.

Oh, great.

Yeah, I can ask the ladies
some questions...

A little weeding out
before the after-party.

I got to tell you,
my process is not rigorous.

Mr. Dunbar, members of the audience

will be asking you questions.

About what?

Your article.

Oh, bummer.

Hey, tell you what...
Here's an idea.

What if they don't ask me questions?

That might be fun.

Oh, we could go see the new
James Bond movie at 7:40.

Would you stop that?

[Sighs] But you
haven't caught one yet.

Yeah, because I'm not playing.

That's not your call.

[Cell phone ringing]

Hey, Russell, what's up?

Right now?

Leave us alone, you little weasel.

Um, he says, "industrious mammal
known for his cleverness and guile"...

He'll take it.

He wants us to go be in the audience
at that place he's speaking.

- Oh, give me the phone.
- Here.

So, um, we'd be happy to help you out

if you help us out with our honeymoon.

No, not like that.

We want your house in the Bahamas.

Nice doing business with you.

Open your mouth.

"Chapter four...

"It was a chilly morning
as the tidewater tides

"set out on the nine-hour drive
to chattanooga.

"We called the bus 'old rusty'

- because it was old and rusty."
- Okay! Okay.

You know what?

This isn't working.

The baby hasn't moved once.
She hates this.

We hate this.

I feel so stupid
reading to your big, fat belly.

Eh, just sustaining the life
of your child, but whatever.

Look, Jeff, if you don't want
to do this, you don't have to.

It just doesn't make any sense.

It's just another of those stupid
ideas that Audrey latches onto,

like when she decided to compost
and we had a bucket of worms

sitting on the counter for a month.

She moved.

- Really?
- Yeah.

Look at that.
I made her move.

- What did I say?
- I don't know...

You were just bitching about Audrey.

Maybe the baby likes that.

I'm sure it was just a coincidence.

Let's find out.

Last year, we threw $800
at your mother's knitting hobby.

You know what we have to show for it?

One sock that doesn't fit in a shoe.

She's dancing in there.

Can you cancel your dinner plans?

Can you seriously complain
about Audrey for that long?

Please, the challenge
will be getting it all in

before the kid arrives.

So, next year,

I see a definite return
of about 6.5% to 7.5%

on income-producing
commercial properties.

So, in conclusion...

This one here.

This one on the end.

And I'd like some of that.
All right?

Okay.

Thank you.
Peace!

[Scattered applause]

Mr. Dunbar will now
take your questions.

Okay, here we go.

Random person.
Uh...

You, sir, back there.

Mr. Dunbar... I understand that
in five years, you'll be 40.

Why, thank you.
Yes, I will.

Great question.

Any other questions?

Anyone? Anyone at all?

Mr. Dunbar, please.

How about you back
there in the fun top?

Sparkles.

Mr. Dunbar, would it be
okay if I showed you my...

Nope.

Given the current economic volatility

in countries such as Spain and Greece,

I'd like to know...
Are you single?

Well, yes, woman who should be selling
it a little more, I am single.

[Groans]

Come on!

No, it's good.

You got picked for the after-party.

Oh, see if you can get a plus-one.

Oh, oh.

So I'll be in my chair
and all comfy watching TV,

without fail...
"Jeff, can you come in here?

"We need to discuss something
unimportant that can absolutely wait."

"Oh, I'm Audrey.

What would I rather have,
$800 or a closet full of yarn?"

- Jeff.
- Hold on, I'm on a roll here.

Here's a little tip.

Don't ever ask your mom
"how was your day?"

Unless you've got an hour to kill.

Jeff.

How was your day?

What you've heard is true.

For some women, the satisfaction
I provide is almost too intense.

[Sighs] This better be
one hell of a beach house.

Well, I feel like we're done here.

No, we're not.

I have a question.

Mr. Dunbar, the premise
of your article seems to be

that the New York market can withstand

the fluctuations and vagaries
of the foreign market.

Yeah.

How is this affected
by falling interest rates?

It's nice to get
an intelligent question finally.

I'm talking to you two bozos
in the back.

Yes, I do know a ton
about real estate.

I made a killing when I sold my
Bahamas beach house two years ago.

Oh, come on!

What about the after-party?

Mr. Dunbar, can you answer the query?

[Laughing]

You hear that, Tim?
She called you a query.

Frankly, Mr. Dunbar,
I see no reason to continue,

as you've made a mockery
of this entire evening.

I hear what you're saying.
I do.

And, uh...
I'll tell you what.

There you go.

You earned it.
Come on!

So you finally decide
to bond with our baby,

and you do it by insulting me?

Maybe try reading to her.

- I did.
- Ha, well, he did.

Mookie Wilson?

Nice choice for a baby.

Oh, I'm sorry,
how many world series rings

does dinky winky bunny have?

How would you like it
if I did it to you, huh?

[Deep voice] "Hi, I'm Jeff.
Feed me and give me sex."

Oh, she knows what I want.
How come I never get it?

Heads up, kid.

Don't play daddy's
"pull my finger" game.

Don't you dare ruin that for me.

- Ruin? It's disgusting.
- It's a fun game.

I make it seem like one thing's
connected to the other.

That's all I'm gonna say.

Here's a little secret.

If you don't pull daddy's
finger, he's gonna do it anyway.

- Am not.
- Are too.

Oh, God, what am I doing?

You're acting crazy,
and you're making me act crazy.

Speaking of things
that are gonna happen anyway...

Come on, what is this really about?

You want me to do all this baby stuff.

That baby's not even here yet.
We're not ready.

She's gonna be here
in less than two months.

Please tell me you're close to ready.

I'm in the ballpark.

All right, babe.
You know what?

I don't know if I'm ready either.

Really?

Okay, just to be clear here,
one of you has to take her.

Look, I don't know if you can
ever really be ready for a baby.

You know, but we got to figure this
thing out together, as a team.

Sorry I said all that stuff
about you to our kid.

You know I think you're solid.

Sure.

Romance, time of death...

8:17.

We've developed a shorthand.
It's fine.

Look, let's make a deal never
to fight in front of the baby.

We have to remain a united front,
because she could divide us.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, babies have ruined
far better couples than us.

Wait. There are better
couples than you?

Oh.

You stay out of this.

And you, you...

You are not gonna divide us,
little girl.

We're onto your game.

But we're smarter than you.

Mm. It's a lot closer
than it should be.

Hey, hey, Tim!

Boss man did okay up there, huh?

Well, if your goal was
to make me feel betrayed

and utterly underappreciated,
then, yes, you did okay.

Look, I know what
you're trying to say,

and I'd love to get you in the
after-party, but I don't think I can.

Honestly, they're super tight
with the list.

Tim, wait.

What do you want me to say...
I'm sorry I stole your article?

Yes.

And it was a selfish thing to do?

Yes.

And maybe I did it because I'm
threatened about how smart you are?

You really feel that way, sir?

No, I'm just asking if that's one
of the things you want me to say.

Excuse me, Mr. Dunbar.

I never got a chance to ask
my question about your article.

Okay, yeah.

You know what?
Ask this guy.

He wrote the article...

Every word.

Well, thank you, sir.
I appreciate that.

Now... you have a question for me.

Well, all your estimates are based
on a fixed value for the euro,

but given the current volatility
of the European market,

doesn't that make all your
findings completely irrelevant?

Gut punch.

Well, uh, that certainly is an
interesting point that you raise.

I think, uh, what I was trying
to get at was, um... Mr. Dunbar?

To be honest, Tim,
I had the same question.

- Excuse me.
- Oh, thank God.

I heard something
about an after-party.

Oh, yeah, you did.
Come along, now.

Ah, let me know
how that turns out, guys.

Is it true you're the third
fastest man in the world?

[Chuckles] Guilty.

But not when it counts.

[Laughs mockingly]

No, not when it counts.

Is it true that you
were on seal team 6?

Ooh. I... Am not at liberty
to comment on that.