Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 13 - 100th - full transcript

Mr. Bingham?

Yes, I am Jeff Bingham.

Just filled out this form here.

Sorry.

- I'm having a baby.
- Congratulations.

And your wife is doing fine.

Well, she's not my wife.
She's a lesbian.

I don't know
if that affects anything,

but I wrote it on the form there.

Oh.

Yes, I see.



"Big ol' lesbian."

My wife is on her way.

Now, will the two of you
be in the delivery room?

Well, according to her, we will be.

But to be honest,
I really don't wanna

see my buddy's business.

I'll get started on your paperwork.

Okay.

Jeff, I'm here.
Sorry.

Ahh.

Ah, ah, me too.

Me too, buddy.

Okay. Hey, guys.

Look, and as far as this
may or may not



affect our wedding tonight,
it is all good.

All right, the important thing
is not to worry.

What's he talking about?

Ha! That is a good one, best man.

And look, if you'd like me to,

I could be there
in the delivery room to help,

'cause as you know,
my mother was a doula.

Well, I don't know what that is,

but don't take that
as an invitation to tell me.

Well, a doula
is a nonmedical birthing guide.

Listen, maybe you can
go to the cafeteria

and get us some snacks.

You're kinda under-using me,
but okay.

Oh, hey, speaking of snacks...

Do you guys plan
on eating the placenta?

- Uh...
- No?

- No, mm-mm.
- Just go.

Okay. Placenta.

Okay. When do we
go to the delivery room?

All right. Well, actually,
I was thinking,

with today's technology,
we could probably...

No. You cannot skype the birth.

Honey, I know you're squeamish,

but I want you in there
with me, come on.

Yeah, well, forgive me
for not wanting

to see Brenda nearly torn in two
by another human.

Honey, I will be there to help you.

Come on, it's gonna be beautiful.

Wow. You gals all
stick together, don't you?

♪ How many ways to say
I love you ♪

♪ How many ways to say
that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side

♪ There is no denying

William Charles's office.

Ah, hello, Mr. Charles.

How goes the conference?

Oh, very witty, sir.

So nice to work for someone
whose sense of humor

transcends that
of a horny schoolboy.

What's that?

Human resources said there's
a problem with my work visa?

Sir, I assure you,

it should've transferred
from my old job.

I completed
all the required paperwork.

All that was needed
was for Mr. Dunbar to...

Oh, my God!

Wait. Wait, you can't
just go in there!

Sorry, sorry.

Sir, I tried to stop him.

And you couldn't?

That doesn't have brakes?

Just go get me
a cup of coffee or something.

Well, well.

To what do I owe
this inconvenience?

Shouldn't be at your new job,

trying to curry favor
with your boss?

And by curry, I mean Indian curry.

I'm here,
braving your acrid cologne

one final time,

to ask if you've received a call
from immigration officials

asking about me.

No.

I did get a prank phone call
about some fake name though.

- Timir patel?
- Yes!

Did you get that same call?

That's my given name.

Oh, really?
You should give it back.

Sir, that was a verification call

to extend my visa
to stay in America.

Tell 'em to call me back.

I'll "strizzy" it all "Izzy."

Oh, I think you've
"strizzled" enough "izzle."

What do you need?

I have your coffee.

I'm in a meeting.

You can't barge in...
Just put it on the floor.

Okay.

Oh, and Adam Rhodes
called from the hospital.

He said Brenda's gone into labor.

Just another prank phone call.

I don't know a Brenda.

Brenda.

Seriously?

Mr. and Mrs. Bingham's friend

and surrogate for their child...

Who you've met umpteen times.

Brenda!

Oh, bren-da.

I know Brenda.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.

No, she's having a kid.
We should go see it.

And more importantly, hot nurses.

I'd love to.

Unfortunately, I have to go

to the immigration office.

Why?

I'm kidding.

All that stuff
you were blabbing out,

I heard ya.

Listen, why don't you cruise by

after you straighten
all that out, okay?

Aah.

Really, Eddie?

You put coffee on the floor?

All right, Brenda, keep breathing.

You're doing great.

Ahh, doctor says
you're doing great.

Yes, I can hear.
The baby is not

coming out of my ears.

Hey, Jeff.
Don't look down there, okay?

Don't worry.
I don't want to.

Jeff! Can you please
try to be helpful?

All right.
I will, okay?

Mets lost again.
No surprise there.

What are you doing?

I'm reading the sports page

to take Brenda's mind
off of the pain.

That's not gonna help.

No, actually I think that it will.

- Keep going, Jeff.
- As I was saying...

Mets three games in a row.

Yeah, it's been a rough season.

Andres Torres, one for four.

Justin Turner, one for four.

All right, this is not
exactly how I pictured

the birth of my child.

Yeah, well...
Who pitched for the mets?

- Santana.
- Ugh.

They just never score runs for him.

Please, what is happening?

I blame the middle
of the mets' batting order.

No, I meant with Brenda.

- What...
- Oh, of course.

Oh, looks like the baby's
coming down the birth canal.

Ooh.

David Wright, 0 for 4.

Ow, ow.

Keep breathing.
That's a girl.

You two wanna come
see the progress down here?

Oh, come on, doc!

Jeff, this is the birth
of our daughter.

If you miss this,
you're gonna be sorry.

Yeah, go ahead, Jeff.

Everyone else is looking at it.

Come on, I'll help you.

I'll hold your hand.

What just happened?

Audrey looked at your stuff
and threw up.

Oh, hey.

Hey, Russell.

Jeff and Audrey,
having a baby, huh?

- Pretty exciting.
- I know.

It's a real hoot, buddy.

Plus it gets me out of some lame

bummer of a thing
I had to do later tonight.

My wedding to Jen?

Oh, that was it, yeah.

Whew, bullet dodged.

Hey, don't worry, buddy.
We're gonna reschedule it.

Hey, to be honest,

it gives me more time
to train mambo.

Mm.

You know, I want him to,
like, fly the rings in.

Right.

We are just not there yet.

Really?
Tell me less.

Hey, listen.

Where's all the, uh, nurses
around here?

Uh, there's a couple
of 'em right over there.

No.
No, no.

No, you're not hearing me.

The nurses with the, uh, fishnets

and the short skirts and the...

Oh, yeah, the porno nurses.

Yes, those.

Ah, yeah.

It's the wife.

Hi, baby.

Jen, it's good you're here.
Maybe you can help.

Do you know where I can
find the porno nurses?

Yes, on the browsing history

of every computer
you've ever touched.

Not untrue.

But if there's any on this floor,

I'll find 'em stat.

It's pretty exciting, huh?

Hey, maybe Jeff and Audrey
will put us down

on who gets the baby if they die.

I mean...

Maybe.

What's wrong, huh?

Oh.
Honey, are you...

Are you sad
that Jeff and Audrey are dead?

No.

I'm upset because, once again,

something happens on the day
we're supposed to get married.

No, we can still do it.

No, it wouldn't be the same

without Jeff and Audrey.

And besides, they're supposed to be

our best man and our maid of honor.

Okay, so we'll reschedule it.

I mean, this whole thing
is super casual.

It won't be hard.

Plus, plus mambo
is almost to the point...

Enough with the bird!

O-okay. But when we do get married,

hmm-hmm, he will stick the landing.

I don't know.

I mean, maybe this
is the universe's way

of telling us we're
just not meant to get married.

Are...
Are you dumping me?

What?

Honey, no, because I-I can change.

I mean, I can make more money.

I could get smarter.

No. I'm just saying,

maybe we should
just keep living together.

You know, maybe getting married
wasn't meant to be.

Or maybe it was.

Come on, Brenda!

- Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
- Come on!

It's a good deal for both of us.

Jeff, I am not making

a fantasy baseball trade right now!

Okay.
All right, I'm back.

I've just been
a little nauseous lately,

but I swear I did not throw up

because I saw your vagina.

- Aah!
- Whoa!

You gotta use the "v" word.

It's a medical term.

I prefer to use "hoo ha."

Little more fun.
Try it.

Hoo ha.
Yeah, that's better.

Oh, my God.
Come on, guys, focus.

All right.
Okay, Brenda.

Now one more big push.

- Oh, God.
- Ah, okay.

It's happening.

Wait. Whoa, whoa, whoa.
What's happening?

- What's happening?
- Your baby...

She's crowning.

Ahh! Ahh!
Jeff, did you hear that?

Yeah, already wearing a crown,
just like her mom,

queen Audrey.

I have never been in so much pain,

but at least
I'm not married to you.

Hello, your excellence.

I'm Adam, and this
is my fiancee Jennifer.

I'm reverend Todd.

Pleased to meet you.

Are you family?

No.
We're just browsing.

So, uh, you busy?

Well, I'm here to tend

to this man's spiritual needs.

Oh. Yeah, wow.
He is old.

He looks like a turtle that
just crawled out of his shell.

Adam.

No, no.
He's right.

But he has lived a very long,
very full life.

Yes.

Come on, Adam.
Just ask him.

Okay.

Well, the thing is, uh, you know,

Jen and I here have been engaged

for, like, ever.

All right.
Fast-forward to right now.

Can I be me, please?

Can I just be me?

I'm sorry.

Uh, anyway, we were wondering

if maybe you could marry us
in the hospital chapel.

I would be happy to.

Wow. That's great.
You know, thank you so much.

Look, see, Jen, it was meant to be.

Unfortunately, I need to be here

at his bedside until he passes.

Oh.

We...
We understand.

And we appreciate you
even consid...

All right!

Let's do this thing!

Hey.

By the way,
before you get too excited...

All the nurses are
actual medical professionals.

I'm here for the binghams.

Mm.

And are you at all curious

about the problem of mine
that you created?

Your virginity?

Uh, I didn't create that,
the women of America did.

I'm referring
to my work visa problem.

Oh, yeah.
What's going on with dat?

My work visa has expired,
thanks to you.

You know what you should do?
Renew it.

I can't.

I have to leave the country
and wait

to get back in line to return.

It could be years.

Well, can't you just, you know,

scale a fence or...

Stow away in some container ship?

Or maybe float to America
in a bottle,

that's how fievel did it.

Ah, brilliant.

If only I were a cartoon mouse.

You're closer than you think.

What?

Come...

Okay. You're doing great,
doing great.

Just keep breathing,
keep breathing.

Fourth and goal.
You're on the one.

Just punch it in!
Break the plane!

She's coming.

Keep pushing.

She's coming.

Here she is.

Oh, oh!

Oh, thank God I can drink again.

Jeff, we have a daughter.

Oh, my God.
We do.

J-Jeff.

Oh, sorry, right.

Hey, doc.

Way to go.

Best for last.

Oh.

Look at her.

She's beautiful.

Yeah, she's perfect.

The head's gonna
round out though, right?

And then she suckled my pinkie.

My little baby, she was so cute...

Dribbling and drooling
all over herself.

- Aw.
- Just like her daddy.

- Congratulations.
- I can't wait to see her.

And, hey, if anything
happens to you guys,

don't worry.
We got her.

I'll do whatever it takes
to outlive you.

Listen, we're sorry
all this ruined your wedding.

Oh, there's no need to apologize.

Yeah, none at all.

Because you didn't ruin it.

Do you, Alan, take Jennifer...

Uh, actually it's Adam.

Ah.

Do you, Alan, take Adam...

I'm kidding.

That's a little officiating humor.

Do you, Adam, take Jennifer

to be your lawfully wedded wife?

Yeah, I do.

And do you, Jennifer, take Adam

to be your lawfully wedded husband?

I do.

Then by the powers vested in me

by the state of New York,
I now pronounce you

husband and wife.

Finally.

I always cry at weddings.

You may now...
Yes, that.

Ahh, congratulations, guys.

I'm going to miss all of you.

Dude, there's gotta be
some way you can stay.

Yeah, come on.
We'll all help.

I appreciate that, I really do.

But I'm afraid I've exhausted
all the avenues and, um...

Stop.

Ooh, drama.

I can't sit by and do nothing.

Timmy, you know
when I make a mistake,

I'm the first to admit it.

Couldn't be less true.

I've made a mistake.

I'm here to fix it.

Really?
How?

Well, we've been together
a long time,

and, uh, I don't want it to end.

I guess what I'm trying to say is,

Timmy patel, will you marry me?

I knew it.

Um, sir, what are you doing?

If you marry a citizen,

they can't kick you out
of the country.

Sir, I don't even know what to say.

Just say yes.

And there may be times
filled with happiness,

sorrow, tears, or laughter.

Whatever it may be, remember love

has given you wings.

How come we didn't
get the wings thing?

I know.
Mambo would've loved that.

So I'll now ask.

Do you, Russell, take Timir

to be your lawfully wedded spouse?

I do.

And do you, Timir, take Russell

to be your lawfully wedded spouse?

I do.

Do I?
Really?

Oh, I feel nauseous.

Wait till they kiss,

I'll be right there with you.

And by the powers vested in me

by the state of New York,

I now pronounce you are married.

If you'd like to seal
this marriage with a kiss,

you may now do so.

I don't think so.

Yeah, no.

Uh, of course not.

So it's not just
in my mind anymore.

You two are legally gay.

Hello, little Shea.

I'm your daddy.

And I'm gonna do the best I can

to take care of you.

Now your mom, she can go

a little Looney Tunes
every once in a while,

but all in all, she's a good egg.

There you go.

- There you go.
- Hey.

How's she doing?

Oh, she's perfect.

Well, yeah.

Come here, you.

Where'd you run off to?

Well, you know, I've been

feeling kind of sick lately,

so I decided to get checked out.

Was it that pot roast
you made the other night?

That was a swing and a miss.

Jeff, I'm pregnant.

What?

Really?

I know.
It's crazy.

I thought we couldn't.

I thought that it was
medically a no-go.

I know. It's...
Well, it's a go.

It's definitely a go.

Is it okay to come in?

Yeah, yeah.

Oh, my God.

She's beautiful.

- Look at her.
- Oh, hey.

Hey, Shea.

Hey, your birthday
is our anniversary.

Oh, ours too.

What do you think, Timmy?

Giving you any ideas?

I'm not quite ready to be a dad.

Uh, I'm the dad.
You're the lady.

Aw, their first fight
as a married couple.

Yeah, I can't believe
you guys actually did it.

As great as all that is,

something even better
happened today.

♪ Closing time

♪ Open all the doors

♪ And let you out
into the world ♪

♪ Closing time

♪ Turn all of the lights on ♪

♪ Over every boy
and every girl ♪

♪ I know who I want
to take me home ♪

♪ I know
who I want to take me home ♪

♪ I know who I want
to take me home ♪

Mm.
She looks so peaceful.

Everything feels different.

You know, like, petty stuff

doesn't even matter anymore.

Yeah.

It's all about her now.

You should get some sleep, babe.

Yeah.

- Mm.
- Mm.

Um, your turn.

Come on, Jeff.
I'm pregnant.

Barely.

Okay.
All right.

I will do this feeding.

You can do
the next two diaper changes.

Pass.
I'll do this feeding.

Nice doing business with you.

After I'm done taking care of Shea,
how about you take care of daddy?