Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 7, Episode 1 - Liz Moves In - full transcript

Hey, Russell.
Have you seen Adam?

Adam, uh, six feet tall,
brown hair,

lives with a chick who's
w-w-way too hot for him?

All right, even
your compliments are creepy.

All right, he's with Timmy,

and they're with a client
for the rest of the afternoon.

Ugh. So coming down here
was a complete waste of time.

Well, now, not necessarily.

What are you talking about?

Well, you seem tense,
and, uh...

I think I have just
the thing to relax you.



Yeah, you wish.

No, you do.

- Aah!
- Aah! Aah!

What happened?
Did you have a bad dream?

No.

I had the worst dream.

I was having sex with Russell.

Oh, wow...
Wow, honey, t-that's awful.

Good night.

Hidey-ho, Jeffrey.

Should have gone peephole.
Uh...

Yeah, Audrey's,
uh, not here, so...

Well, here's the dealio.

Uh, the Bertmans
are moving back,



so I had to find a new sublet.

Oh, well,
we'll sure miss having you

living directly above us,

tap-dancing at all hours
of the night and such.

Well, the problem is

there's a one-week gap
between the Bertmans moving back

and my new place being ready.

So I guess what I'm asking you,
Jeffrey, is...

Can you help me with my gap?

Look, having you live with us
would be a real treat.

Unfortunately, the guest room

is, uh, piled high
with baby furniture,

and, uh...

Plus, uh, there's all
that asbestos.

The economy.

Oh. Hey, guys.
What's going on?

Oh, I was just asking Jeff

if I could bunk
with you guys for the week,

but he told me
about the baby furniture

in the guest room,
so...

That stuff's not getting
delivered till next month.

Odd.

Uh, what about that delivery
that I got yesterday?

You mean the pizza you ordered
and ate in the bathtub?

We would be happy
to have you stay with us, Liz.

Oh, roomies!

It'll be just like
three's company.

♪ come and knock on our door

♪ we've been waiting for you

♪ where the kisses are
hers and hers and his ♪

♪ Meow meow meow meow meow

did you not get
that I was signaling you?

Yes, I did manage to crack
your sophisticated code.

Then why are you letting Liz
stay with us?

She's a disaster.
She's got no boundaries.

What about all her
disgusting cats?

I'm sure she'll put them
in a kennel.

She should put herself
in a kennel.

Jeff, she's our friend.

And she needs help,
so we help.

It's called "being a person."

♪ ba ba ba ba boo

♪ I'm tap-dancing too

♪ I'm singing and tapping
together ♪

♪ Dee dee dee dee dee do

there we are, sir.

It appears your work
here is done.

Unless, of course,
you wish to join me

in, uh, breaking in
the table.

It's possible he made
an incorrect assumption.

Whoa.
Sweet table, yo.

- What's it doing here?
- Ah, Mr. Rhodes.

Well, when Sullivan retired,

there was a disagreement
between Mr. dunbar and myself

about what to do
with his office.

What did Russell
want to do with it?

He wanted to cover the floor
with mattresses

and call it "the boneyard."

Well, he is the boss.

Still, I convinced him
a ping-pong table

could help bring
people together.

Hmm.

Sounds like that "boneyard" idea
might work too.

We'll keep that
as a backup, sir.

- Look at this, huh?
- Mm-hmm.

Look at this...
Tournament-grade surface,

3/4-inch top,
reinforced aluminum apron.

Nice.

Ah, Mr. Rhodes,
you play ping-pong.

Well, Tim,
if you consider winning

the after-school
enrichment program

for kids whose parents
couldn't pick them up by 3:00

ping-pong championship
"playing,"

then, yeah, I play.

Oh.

Not to boast, but, uh, I've been
known to stroke the balls

a bit in my day.

Why would I say it like that?
I mean, really.

So what do you say, huh?

What do you say, Tim?
Should we get our pong on?

- Oh.
- Yeah.

Oh, cool.
A ping-pong table.

Yeah, sorry, guys,

but Timmy and I are about to...
About to play, so...

Perhaps we could
all play doubles.

Now hold on.

What pong championships
have you won?

Um, none.

Oh, man, I can't do this.
He's gonna bring down my game.

Mr. Rhodes, remember this
is about camaraderie.

- Hey, I'm Fred. I work up in...
- No names.

Just grab a blade,
and let's do this.

Hey, Aud, you almost ready,
or should I make myself a drink?

- I'll just be another sec.
- Okay.

Past experience doesn't make me
question that at all.

Well, I finally got
all my stuff unloaded.

I am one sweaty dog.

Woof.

I'm gonna have that drink.

Look at you,
Mr. sharp-dressed man.

I was all hot,
but now I'm bothered.

Aud.

Oh, Jeff,
I was also thinking

about our morning
bathroom schedule.

Ugh.

Uh, I need to book the commode
from 8:00 to 8:30.

Oh, and I have
prescription toilet paper,

so I think we need to keep
our rolls separate.

I don't know what is going on
with my plumbing.

Oh, no, no.
Jeff, Jeff, don't pour a drink.

Come on,
you're gonna make us late.

Me?

I-I've been...

Forget it.

Actually, Audrey,
Jeff's been ready for a while.

He's been waiting for you.

Well, I was in...

I had to change m...

All right.
All right.

It's my fault.
I'm sorry.

It's your fault,
and you're sorry?

Yes.

I will try to be better
about managing my time.

Come on, let's go.

Audrey actually said
it was her fault.

You heard that.

Oh, oh, oh, oh.

Here's
your rice pudding, sir.

Yummy.

Oh, did you go through it?

Yes, I removed all the rice
as you requested.

You know what?
They're just too pointy.

Timmy.

Timmy, we've got
a match coming up.

We aren't you wearing
the outfit that I bought you?

I'd rather not,
Mr. Rhodes.

Hmm.

What if your boss
ordered you to?

Would he wear
the exact same outfit as you?

Yep.

Ordered.

Oh. Hey.

You will never guess
what happened last night.

Hmm.
You know, I'm sorry,

but I really have to focus
on my pudding right now.

Jen had a sex dream
about you.

Okay.

I'm gonna need you
to speak very slowly.

Start from the beginning,

and remember no detail
is unimportant.

I can't. I can't.
I got to go stretch.

Stretching can wait, sir!

I mean, Adam, buddy...

Don't you think
you owe it to Jen

to find out
the meaning of this dream?

As Freud so eloquently put,

"dreams are
the guardians of sleep."

Hmm.

Now, was I riding her
like a bull in a rodeo?

I-I don't know.

I just know
she woke up screaming.

Screaming in ecstasy.

Yes!

Dream Russell knows
what the ladies like.

- Hi.
- Hey, honey.

Ugh.

Hey, could you, uh, take
these papers

down to the recycling
in the basement, please?

I was gonna have a beer.

Yeah, it'll just take
a second.

Audrey, your fella just had
a long day at work.

How about a little
"how do you do"

before you give him
the old "honey do"?

Fine.
I'll take them.

I work too, you know.

You go, girl.

So, you actually like
having Liz live with you?

Like it?

Last night was the best night
of my life.

Oh, Jeff,
that stuff is terrible for you.

I thought we agreed
to eat healthier.

If you want Jeff
to eat better,

you're gonna have to cook
more and complain less.

Oh, we really need
a new dining-room set.

We don't need one.
You want one.

Come on, Jeff, I want to watch
the amazing race.

Hey, it's not his fault

the game went
into extra innings.

Dude...

I know we joke around a lot,
but seriously, congratulations.

Yeah, yeah. No.

Yeah, you deserve it.
You deserve it.

That's not all.

Uh, Liz got Audrey to say,
and I quote,

"I'm sorry."

At first,
the words didn't register.

I hadn't heard them
in over 15 years.

You sure
it wasn't a dream...

Like the one where
I boned this dude's fiancee?

Come on.

Who knew there could be
a benefit to Liz?

You know,
it's really too bad

that you guys need
a third person.

Jen and I just
work things out together.

Oh, so you both decided

that she would bang Russell
in her dreams.

Oh-ho-ho.

Oh.

All right, match point.

Oh!

Oh, yeah! I hope you losers
enjoy the taste of losing.

Losers!

- Let's get out of here.
- Oh, "let's get out of here."

Fine, you know what?
Skedaddle.

Get out of here...
Stinking up the joint.

Right this way, milady.

Oh, come on.

Who put a ping-pong table
in the boneyard?

All right.
Who's next?

Huh?

Well, um...

It seems that nobody else
wants to play.

- Oh, well.
- Mr. Rhodes...

Have we let our competitiveness
get the better of us?

I only know one speed,
Timmy, okay?

Supersonic.

Perhaps we should go
offer them an apology.

All right,
maybe you're right.

Hey, when did we get
a ping-pong table?

Oh, it's like that, is it?
Let's go.

Okay, this will be fun.

Chivalry dictates
that the ladies serve first.

Oh!

How's that feel, four-eyes?

Huh?

Or should I say three-eyes?

Peace!

All right,
don't slip on your tears.

Next!

Good morning,
sweet Jennifer.

Ugh.
What are you doing here?

You tell me.
This is your dream.

Ooh-ooh-ooh!

I can't believe Adam
told you about that.

I know a way you can...

Get back at him.

Ugh. Fine.

Let's do this.

Seriously?

Seriously.

Aah!

I have to get Russell
out of my head.

Adam, we have to have
sex right now.

No.
Sorry, hon.

Look, I got to rest up
for pong tomorrow.

No.
It wasn't a question.

Hey, you know,
I've been thinking.

I shouldn't have forced you
to let Liz move in here.

What?
What's that?

I was wrong.

It's like angels singing.

If you want, you can ask her
to go to a hotel.

No, you were right.
Friends help friends.

It's called being a person.

You taught me that.

Okay, let's cut the crap.

The only reason you like
Liz staying here

is 'cause she's always
taking your side.

Is she?
I hadn't noticed.

I mean, I had noticed that
she's a very levelheaded gal,

crusader of truth and justice.

Oh, come on.
I'm turning off this light,

so I don't have to look
at that giant muggy smile.

Yeah,
but even in the dark...

You know it's there.

Ow!

It's still there.

Really, you... you don't need
to apologize.

I know. I just...

I tried to tell her "no sex,"
she would listening.

Yes, as you told me
last night,

when you texted me
from atop your fiancee.

Huh.
That's curious.

What do you guys want?

What do you think
we want, huh?

To wipe the court with you,
ass-face.

Well, that's not
gonna happen.

You guys are banned.

We just wanted to have some fun
during our lunch hour,

but you had to start
bullying everyone.

Yeah, because I only
know one speed, guy...

Super...

Sonic.

Actually, this might be
a good thing, Mr. Rhodes.

I mean, listen to them in there.

The table was supposed
to bring people together,

and it appears it has.

It's brought them together
in their hatred of us.

Then you're welcome.

I mean,
if I hadn't been so dominant,

people wouldn't have hated us
so much.

Well, it was clearly my skill
that carried our team

and, thus, led to the
extraordinary level of hatred.

Oh, really?
Oh, I'm glad you think so.

I don't think it.
I know it.

We hate you both equally.

- Well, there you have it.
- We make a good team.

Hey, by the way,
you owe me $300 for the outfit.

Ugh.

Daddy's home.

Ew.

What stinks?

Hi, honey.
How was your day?

What the hell's
going on here?

Well, last night you made
some excellent points.

By not letting Liz
keep her cats here,

I was not being a good friend.

Strong move.

Ah, there's
the hombre de la casa.

Thanks for letting
my brood stay here.

Their time in the kennel really
threw off their potty habits,

but don't worry...
They're getting closer

to the litter box every time.

Oh, no...

Cotton, don't you make a liar
out of me.

Oh, that's okay,
right, Jeff?

Liz, did Audrey tell you
how we're visiting her parents

for a week,

after we had already agreed
on just a long weekend?

Audrey, you can't make
changes like that

without looping your hubby in.

Good point.

Tell Jeff your unfortunate
gynecologist story.

Well, jeffery, as you may
or may not know,

I have a tilted cervix.

Needless to say, you can't use
a regular speculum.

You don't say.

When I ask Audrey for sex, a lot
of times she turns me down.

Go.

Audrey, you need to have
your hormones checked

if you're turning
down this stud.

Will do.

Tell Jeff your cat's visit
to the vet story.

Oh.
Well normally, anal sacs

are emptied by rectal pressure
when the cat defecates.

Now, in the case of pickles,
you have to do it manually.

And this is not unmessy
or odorless.

Audrey buys tons of crap
we don't need.

It seems like if you don't
need it, that's a waste...

Oh, ingrown toenail...
Show him!

My pedicurist turned me down.

All right, that's enough!
You know what?

You know
what this is all about?

You can't stand being
told you're wrong.

Oh, and you have never seen
a situation

that you haven't tried
to exploit.

I see an opportunity.
I seize it.

It's human nature.

Oh, what do you know
about being human?

Oh, stop it!
Just stop it!

I can't stand all this arguing
in front of the kids.

Come on, children,
let's retreat to our safe zone.

All-time low?

No, not even close.

Okay, we can't keep
fighting like this.

In a few days, Liz will be gone.
We still have to live together.

That's true.

Yeah, I guess I chose
to win a few battles

instead of thinking
about the war.

Our marriage being the war?

Obviously.

So do we have a truce?

Truce.

Okay, pickles, this is just
gonna hurt a little bit.

Do you have a lot of towels?

Hey, is dream Russell still
sleep-banging your lady?

No, no, I think that's over.
Sorry, buddy.

Oh, no, that's all right.

I don't want to be
in Jen's dreams anymore.

I actually have my sights set
on someone else.

Oh, yeah?
Anyone I know?

As a matter of fact, yes.

Aah!

You gave me the dream!