Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 4 - Nature Calls - full transcript

When the gang decides to take a trip to Vermont to check out the fall foliage, they find themselves wishing they had never left home. Meanwhile, Russell has renewed faith in his marriage to Liz.

Mmm.
Hey, your wife's here.

Oh, ugh.

There you are.
I've been calling you
all morning.

I know.
I saw it was you,
so I didn't answer.

To get me here
in the flesh?
Tres romantique.

Scooch over.
No, no.
Booth's full.

Well,
then I'll just have to
sit on your lap.

Oh, gross.

Oh, we're still
in the honeymoon phase,
are we?

(GROWLS PLAYFULLY)

Hey, Timmy,
did you do everything
I told you to do?



Yes, Mrs. Dunbar.

I booked the cars,
reserved the rooms,

and personally
brought all your cats
to the kennel.

Oh.

FYI, be careful.
Tiffy needs
her claws clipped.

Yes, thank you.
I appreciate the timelis
of that information.

Are you taking orders
from Liz now?

Yes, it's quite
a bit more work,

but on the bright side,
there's no additional p.

So everything's all set
for the weekend.

Hey, I don't want
to go to Vermont
to look at leaves.

Leaf-watching
in Vermont?

Sounds fun, buddy.

Well, don't laugh, Jeff.
You and Audrey are coming.



Ha!

Oh...

Oh, and, Timmy,
you're driving.

Well, I've got to go.

I promised
I'd put in an hour
at the cat shelter.

No, no, hey.

Please do not
bring another cat home
to my apartment.

I won't.

I'll bring one back
to our apartment.

Toodles.

Oh, that'll be
our cat's new name.

Toodles!

She's a nightmare.

Damn it,
that lady can name a ca.

Sir, you must end this.

Look, it was hilarious
when you were miserable,

but now
it's affecting me.

Were you not just here?

I'm trying.
I keep saying it.

She doesn't listen.

That's what
divorce lawyers are for.

If you need a referral,
just go to Audrey.

She's been collecting
their business cards
for years.

Well, instead
of watching football,

I get to go
to stupid Vermont, so...

Thank your dumb wife.

What kind of lame ass
wants to drive up

three hours
to look at leaves?

Hey, hey.
Liz just invited us to o
check out the leaves.

This is gonna be epic.

How do you figure?

What, you guys aren't
into leaf-peeping?

Nut up, bros.

Nut up.

No running.

No, don't worry,
Mr. and Mrs. Dunbar.

I've got it.
You're fine.

Timmy, did you have
to drive so windy?

In order to stay
on the windy road, yes.

But believe you me,
I would've been
more than happy

to drive straight
into the nearest tree.

I would've
voted for that.

You shouldn't have agred
to this weekend
without asking me.

I thought
it was a no-brainer.

Oh, so you didn't
involve me

because that would've
added a brain.

You know,
I envy you guys.

I mean,
you've never leaf-peeped
with the A-man before.

You're gonna remember
this weekend.

Not if this place
has a bar.

Well,
I am looking forward
to this, Adam.

I miss nature.

There's nature
in New York.

Hmm, yeah,
if you think nature is

watching a rat
and a pigeon fight
over a condom.

Well, who won?

Welcome, folks.

I'm Henry.
I'm leading a group
on a nature walk

in about half an hour,
if anyone's interested.

Oh, that sounds
fantastic.

Yeah, thanks, Hank,
but I think
I got this one.

Okay, let me know
if there's anything
I can do for you.

Pushy, huh?
All right.

Drop the bags off
and meet back here
in 20 minutes.

I'll brief you
on the peeping plans,

and I'll divvy up
the gorp.

All right?

Hands in.

Okay, I'm out.

So what are you going
to do instead?

Well, I'm gonna
go into town,
peep a movie.

I'll see a movie
with you.
What, really?

You're bailing
on the hike?

Yes.

Hey, Aud,
you want to come?

Uh, no, no.
I... I'm going
with Adam.

Yeah, you guys
enjoy your movie.

That's right.
That's right.

More beautiful leaves
for us to see.

Actually, it doesn't
change the number
of leaves, but...

Yeah, well,
I'm going to take
a rain check myself.

The drive up here
was not kind
to my tummy,

thanks to Mr. Toad's
wild ride.

Hmm, seems like
an appropriate way
to thank someone

for both driving
and paying for gas.

Oh, speaking of gas,
Timmy.

Be a lamb
and go get me
some Imodium...

And something
for the nausea.
Mmm-hmm.

Hey, Liz,
if you're out of commis,

maybe I'll go
hit that movie
with Jeff and Jen.

(SIGHS)
No.

I need you to come
to the room

and hold me
while I lay down.

Double down
on that barf medicine,
will you, Timmy?

Hey.

Oh, hey, hey.

I... I'm just so glad
someone came with me.

Oh, come on.
We don't need
anybody else.

Why don't you get
into your hiking gear,
and we'll get going.

Uh, this...
this is my gear.

Seriously, for a hike?

Uh, I'm sorry,
did they change hiking,

or is it still
just walking outside?

Audrey, the keys
to a successful hike

are multiple layers
and staying hydrated.

Okay?

Please tell me you have
a hydration system.

Yeah, yeah.
Not really much
of a system, now, is it?

This is a system.

Want to hit this?

I don't.

All right, then...

Let's go crush
some foliage.

I wonder if I can
still catch that movie.

Oh, hi.

Would it be all right
if I use that computer?

Oh, yes, of course.

Mr. Bingham, right?

Yeah, Jeff.
Nice to meet you.

I'm Enid.

I spoke with your wife,
Audrey, earlier.

She's a lovely woman.

She's all right.

I'll just swipe you in
with my key card.

Attached
to the old antler there.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, do you know
what the name

of that movie theater ws
we drove by
on the way up here?

The Riviera.

You know
what it used to be?

No.

(THINKING) Huh.
Charlize Theron...

Pictures of
Charlize Theron...

Ooh, I don't mean
to alarm you, Charlize,

but it seems that
your top fell off.

Oh, my God, pop-ups.

No porn, no porn.

Ugh, I'm in a "pornado."

Go away.
Go away.

Frozen?

Is everything okay?

Yeah, it's all good.

Do you know where
the computer part
to this thing is,

cause I'm done,
so I'd like to
turn it off.

Oh, the computer's here
under my desk.

But we don't have to
turn it off.

I can just come over
and swipe you out.

No, no, no,
just stay.
Sit. Stay.

Sir?

What are you
doing here?

I thought you were
supposed to be
up in the room,

cuddling the missus.

Uh, I finished.

What do you mean you...

You had sex with her?

What choice did I have?

To not have sex
with her.

Ah, we're on vacation.

Bravo, sir.

Anyway, I found
Mrs. Dunbar's medicatio,

although not before getg
some delightful comments

about my ethnicity
from a pickup truck
full of local teens.

I'm telling you,
I can't take this
Liz insanity anymore.

You can't?
She's making my life
a living hell.

I think we both know
what needs to be done.

Sir, you're not suggestg
we kill Liz?

(LAUGHING)
Of course not, Timmy.

We would never do that.

Sir, we can't
kill anyone.

Nertz.

Here, give this
to your wife.

If I go in there,
she'll just give me
another foul task.

No, no, no.
It's your turn.

I just finished
my foul task.

You're married to a womn
you find so repellent,

you won't even go
give her medication?

(GROANS)

Well, I did
just give her an...

Injection.

Come on.

(SIGHS) Focus, sir.

This marriage will
not go away

unless you end it
once and for all.

Just march up there,
dig deep, and summon
all the backbone you ca.

You make
an excellent point, Tim.

Maybe it's time to...

Is that a possum?

Wow, it is so gorgeous
out here.

Uh-huh, keep pace.

(BREATHING STEADILY)

Ah, hydration break.

Can't you walk and hydre
at the same time?

It's a recipe
for cramps.

Keep asking questions.
That's how you learn.

Mmm.

Ah, you look so beautifl
up here, Audrey.

Ah, even this little sag
is getting into the spi.

It's saying,
"I may not be big,

"but I can
change colors, too."

Oh, wait.
I don't think
that's a sapling.

W-w-what's
that saying?

If it has three leaves,
I don't think you're...

(CHUCKLING) Another
teachable moment.

Um, it's "Leaves of thr,
let it be."

It refers to poison ivy.

Now, I'm pretty sure
this is a spruce,

but the one thing
I can't quite figure out

is why it's making
my hands burn.

Oh, my hands...
my hands are
burning like crazy.

I can't believe
I touched poison ivy.

I can't believe
you punched it
afterwards.

Let's just head back
to the lodge
and get you treated.

We're nowhere
near the lodge.

You're the one who wantd
to take the long loop.

Okay, little confession.

(SIGHS)

There is no long loop.

For the last half hour,
we've been totally lost.

Super.

Well, let's head
this direction,

and don't
touch anything else,
or it'll spread.

Uh-oh.

What?

I have to pee.

You're kidding.

Can you help me?

How?

You know...

Take it out.
Oh...

No, I'm not going
to take it out!

Well, I can't touch it,
or I'll get poison ivy
down there.

And then...then
Jen will get it.

Why would Jen
be touching it
if you have poison ivy?

She gets pretty horny.

Hey.
Ready to go
to the movie?

I can't.
I ran into a little...

Little problem.

Oh, my God.
Seriously, here?

It just popped up,
and, uh...

And now it's frozen.

Shut it off,
and let's go.
I can't.

The computer's underneah
that sweet old lady's d.

If I leave, she's going
to know I did it.

What are you
going to do?

Hey, if you get her
out of the room,

I can go turn this off.

How am I supposed
to get her out?

Tell her Cocoon
is playing
at the Riviera.

Fine.

Hi.

So I was wondering
if perhaps
there is a story

behind that
rocking chair
on the porch.

Why, yes, there is.
It's fascinating.

Come on,
I'll tell you.

Great.

Okay, girls,
now we can go
on the computer

and look up
all the birds we saw.

Still using it!
Sorry.

I'm sorry.

Well, that's okay.
We'll just wait.

Man.

Just working on some
high-end business stuff,
so...

Probably going to
be a while.

Oh, that's fine.

They need to
learn patience.

Let's hope
that's all they learn.

(KNOCKING ON DOOR)

Oh, good.
You got my medicine.

Hey,
have you seen Russell?

After we made love,
I fell asleep.

And then when I woke up,
he was gone,

so I thought maybe
he was out bragging
about his conquest.

I don't know.
I have to go.

Oh.

Can you do me a favor?

I have a lot
of dead skin
on my back.

Could you be a lamb
and just slough it off
for me?

Is that a possum?
(GASPS)

Oh, wait, Timmy.

Before you go,
can I ask you
something...

Something that might be
uncomfortable?

I think you just proved
that you could.

I don't think
that Russell

is as into this marriage
as I am.

Does he ever talk
about it?

It comes up.

I mean, when I
hear him say
things like,

"I want a divorce,"
and, "You disgust me"...

I don't know,
I start to feel like...

Maybe something's wrong.

Well, um...

You two did rush
into it.

I know.

I guess I was just
so in love

with the idea
of having a husband,

I didn't spend the time
to find someone

that wanted to
be with me.

Hmm.

Perhaps it's time to adt
that this was a mistake
and move on.

(SIGHS)

I don't know
if I could stand
being alone again.

I could.

Look, um...

I'm sure there's
another man out there
who'd be more...

Appreciative of your...

Particular charms.

Go on.

I'm just saying
I hate having
to see you settle

for someone who
isn't quite right
for you.

I understand.

Good. I'm glad,
because I genuinely
do believe that...

No, no.
That's not what I meant.

Well, don't play coy no,
my little cocoa stallio.

(THINKING)
Ah, I can't believe
I'm in this mess with .

I can't believe
I let her
drag me up here

to crappy Vermont
to look at dumb leaves

on stupid trees.

Oh, yeah.
Everyone's looking
at you now

'cause you're so pretty.

You're just going
to fall off the tree
and die on the ground.

(LAUGHS)

Hey, wait a minute.

Am I going to
end up alone...

Like a dead leaf?

I mean, they're only ale
when they're connected
to the tree.

Is Liz my tree?

This kind of feels
like her back.

Maybe there's a reason
I haven't gotten out
of this yet.

Maybe I just need
to give this a real sh.

Maybe it's time
to finally grow up.

Oh, my God,
those squirrels
are doing it!

(LAUGHS)

Hey, everybody!

And that's the story
of how we got
our rocking chair.

EBay, huh?

I did not see
that coming.

What the hell
is going on?

I was going to turn it ,
but then they came in.

Listen, as fun
as this is to watch,

I'm going to
go see the movie.
Wait.

I got a new plan.

But I'm going to
need your help.

(CHAIR CREAKS)

Sit down
and pretend to type.

What are you
going to do?

I can't explain.
But trust me,
this is going to work.

You know,
I don't think
it was your turn.

These girls have
been waiting a long tim.

Oh, no, I'm just using
until my friend comes b.

I don't think
he's coming back.

Oh, thank God
we found the trail.

Okay, sign says
the lodge is this way.

Okay, okay.

Look, I'm not
gonna make it.
You got to help me.

I'm not taking it out.

Just pull my pants down.

Absolutely not.

Just wrap your shirt
around your hands
and do it yourself.

I can't. I can't.
I wiped my hands
all over my shirt.

There's poison ivy
all over it.
(SIGHS)

Hey. Let me
use your shirt.
Oh, no way.

Please, Audrey,
I'm going to explode!

Jeez, I can't
believe this.

Fine.

What are you doing?

Still got to hydrate.

You're a married woman.

Oh, we both know
my marriage is a sham.

Still, still,
we absolutely
cannot do this.

Come on, we're not going
to make love now.

Kitty just wants to
bat the ball around
a little.

Liz.

I've been doing
some thinking.

I know I haven't
been fully committed
to this marriage.

But I want to make
a fresh start.

You do?

I want you to be the tre
to my clinging leaf.

Oh, you got it,
buster.
Come here.

(SHIVERS) God.

How's it going
over there?
It's not.

My hands are swollen,
and I can't do the zipp.

Help me.

Help me!

Oh, God.

Worst hike ever.

Every time I'm out here,
I'm in awe of the beauty
I see.

Okay, get them down.
Get them down. Look,
I can't wait anymore.

Hi, Hank.

How's the peeping going?

All right, everyone,
continuing up the trail.

ALL: Oh!

Timmy!
Come on, seriously!

Sorry.
(CLEARS THROAT)