Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 3 - Audrey is Dumb - full transcript

Wow, Audrey.
So you have to have
a procedure?

Is it...
Is it serious?

No, she's just having
a node removed.

It's no big deal.

No big deal?
I'm having surgery, Jef.

I know. I'm just saying,
it's gonna be fine.

A doctor is removing
a part of my body.

My God,
you are insensitive.

It's gonna be fine,
Audrey.

Thank you, Jen.

Wait a minute,
wait a minute,
wait a minute.



Isn't that... Isn't that
what Jeff was just...

Oh, it's not worth it.

Marriage, it's not a wo,
it's a sentence.

Am I right, fellas?

God, it's still so weird
that Russell's married.

Yeah. It's like seeing
a horse wearing a top h.

Need a refill?

Oh, yeah, thanks.

Can I get you
anything else?
Uh, I think I'm good.

(WAITRESS GIGGLES)
Ooh, actually,
I could use...

Sorry, not my section.

You see that,
everybody?

She gives him coffee
and ignores me.

It worked out this time,
'cause I looked down
her shirt,



but still.

Yeah, well, life's prety
for Mr. Handsome here.

Exactly.

Hey, well, maybe I'm inr
section and Russell isn.

You're at the same tabl.

You don't know
how they divvy it up.

He's right.
Let me check.

Uh, excuse me.

Yes?

Hey, uh,
is he in your section

but the rest of the tabe
is not?

That's kind of
a dumb question.

Actually,
it's his theory.

Oh. (LAUGHS)

You're adorable.

Let me get you
some free pie.

Oh.
How... How 'bout
that?

Hey, you guys should see
if they're giving away e
in your section.

♪ How many ways to say
I love you?

♪ How many ways to say
that I'm not scared?

♪ With you by my side
there is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

TIMMY: Sir...

Your wife is
on the phone.

(GROANS)

Tell her I'm
in a meeting.

Wait,
I don't want to lie.

Set up a meeting.

Fine.

And can you go to
that meeting for me?

Those things
are so pointless.

Mrs. Dunbar,
hello again.

Um, I can't seem
to locate him.

Is there a message
I can give?

You can't wait
to do what with him?

(SIGHS)
This seems wildly perso.

Do I really have to...
Okay, go on.

(GROANS)

Uh-huh.

Uh, sorry, wait.

Was that
"beside" or "inside"?

"Inside," of course.

And as the vomit
gushes upward,

I bid you adieu.

Sir, if my duties have
expanded to include
this type of thing,

I'm going to insist
on your giving me a rai.

Does this say "glow"?

That's a "B."
Now...

It's been three years.

All you need to do
is sign a piece of pape.

All right,
I'll sign it,

but first you have to do
something for me.

The company's going through
a little reorg action

and somebody
has to be fired.

Me. Please say it's me.

It's Lester in Accounti.

I tell you what.

You help me
break the news to Leste,

and I'll give you
your little raise.

And why can't you
just do it, sir?

Ah, you know how
I hate to be the bad gu.

I don't know that at al.

Just the other day,
you pantsed Gil
at his retirement lunch.

I did that dude a favor.

His thank you speech
was bombing.

Hey. Great news.

Oh, did your throat thig
go well?

That is great news.

Well, it's good news.

The great news is
are you ready for this?

She can't talk.

Not for a whole week.

So bingo,
daddy wins the lottery.

That's big.
Congratulations.

Thanks, buddy.
I appreciate it.

(HOARSELY)
You are such a jerk.

(COUGHS)

That's the best part.

If she tries to talk,
it's really painful.

Hey, I'm just
kidding around.

I'm glad it went well.

All I want is for you
to feel better, okay?

That being said, I've bn
waiting for this day

since our honeymoon.

Hey, listen, if it's to,
say the word and I'll s.

Great.

Ah, well, there's
an age-appropriate snac.

Why are you eating
a candy apple?

Finally get to the bottm
of your Halloween bag?

No. The lady at
the street fair gave it
to me.

Gave it to you? Oh, I'mk
of you getting free stu.

He gets
free drinks at bars.

Well, that's for everyo,
right?

Your first drink's free
from lady bartenders.

Or the gay-man ones.

No, it's just for you be
they think you're attra.

Like the waitress
with the free pie.

I could get that waitress en
if I didn't look like t.

Actually, we're engaged,
so you can't "get her."

Whatever.

I'm just saying,
people are into me

'cause of my personalit.

(RUSSELL LAUGHS)

Yeah,
and girls like Brad Pitt

because he cares
about New Orleans.

Lester in there?

As you requested, sir.

All right, this is gonne
tough firing him,
be we can do it.

Okay, now you start,

but when it comes time
to bring down the hamme,

I take over.
You got it?

Got it.

(SIGHS) Okay.

Hey, Timmy.

Ah, Lester.
It's good to see you.

Yeah. Any idea why
Mr. Dunbar called me in?

Actually, yes.

(GROANS)

Do your job!

(SIGHS)

All right, then.

Now, Lester,

as you know,

the economy
is in pretty rough shap.

Oh, I know.

That's why I'm so thankl
to have this job.

Yes, but the fact is,

uh, even Dunbar Industrs
is forced to reduce its.

Oh, that sounds
like a great chance

for me to assume
more responsibility.

Uh, that actually
won't be necessary.

Oh, I'm happy to do it.

I won't even
take time off next week

when my wife gives birt.

You're having a baby?

Well, babies. Twins.

Oh, well, at least
you have your health.

Actually...
You've got to be
kidding me.

Hey, hon,
how was your day?

Oh, that's right.
You can't talk. Darn it.

'cause, uh, tonight
I was gonna sit down

and have you tell me abt
your thoughts and feeli,

all about your friends

and the fascinating this
they said.

Oh, well, I guess I'll t
have to drink beer

and watch TV instead.

"My dad called.
Call him back."

Aw, come on.

Your dad goes on forever
about stuff I could
care less about.

I guess you're not adop.

"You're a moron."

Had that one pre-writte,
did we?

Fine.

Yeah, hey, Earl,
it's Jeff.

Uh, Audrey's doing well.
She said you called.

Oh, okay.

Okay.

I will. Thanks.

Wow. That was the best
conversation we ever ha.

Concise
and right to the point.

Oh, your aunt died.

So, what were you like
before you met Adam?

Pretty easy or?

You had to buy me
a few drinks or a drink.

But here's a little sec.

Women enjoy sex, too.

That has not been
my experience.

Hi, guys.

What did you do
to yourself?

I busted out
the Halloween makeup ki.

I'm gonna prove a point.

I don't know
what's going on here,
but this is gonna be gr.

Everyone thinks the word
is nice to me
because of my looks.

I'm gonna prove
you're all wrong.

Yo, yo.

Could I get a
vodka tonic?

Sure thing.

See, even looking like ,
people are gonna treat e
the same way.

Tonight when we get hom,
I'm not.

Thanks, sweet cheeks.

Uh, sir,
that's $8.

Oh, no,
this is my first one.

Congratulations.
It's still $8.

I didn't bring
my wallet.

Just put it
on our tab.

Now will you please
take the makeup off?

Don't listen to her.
Keep going.

Yeah, well,
I didn't get a chance

to use my personality
on the bartender.

ADAM: Yeah?
You'll see.

My personality could get haf
the girls here into the.

But again, you can't.
We're engaged.

Would you stop obsessing
about that?

Watch this.

Hey, there.
Hey.

Bet you don't need sugar
in that drink

'cause you're sweet enough.

Could you be any cheesi?

(GROANS)

I can't believe this.

I can't believe
you're marrying him.

Hi. My name's Jill.

Oh, I'm sorry. There's
been a misunderstanding.

You see, I'm actually
incredibly handsome.

I'm so sorry
about Aunt Lucy.

She was the really big ,
right?

She always smelled
like Funyuns?

She was a good egg.

She also smelled like e.

What are you writing?

(TYPING)

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
Things I remember
about Aunt Lucy.

You found a way to talk.

What medicine gave me,
technology has taken aw.

(TYPING)

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
I want to give a eulogy
at the funeral.

How?

(TYPING)

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
My voice should be
better by then.

If it isn't,
you can always have

your sexy little robot d
do it for you.

(TYPING)

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
You're disgusting.

You really think this ve
is sexy?

I do.

I wonder
what she has
to say next.

(TYPING)

FEMALE COMPUTER VOICE:
You are so hot, Jeff.

Let's have sex
and then cut up
all my credit cards.

Hi, Timmy.

Oh, hello, Mr. Rhodes.

Hey, why don't cannibals
eat clowns?

What now?

Because they taste funn.

(LAUGHS)

Indeed.
Okay, all right.

Um, what do you call a g
with no legs?

I really am...
it doesn't matter
what you call him,

because he ain't comin'.

(LAUGHS)

That's pretty funny, ri?

Mr. Rhodes, to what do
I owe this rather
odd verbal assault?

(SIGHS) Well, Timmy, you kn,
I've realized

that I kind of skate by
on my looks,

so I've decided to
let my personality emer.

You really think
that's wise?

Yes. I'm funny.

And I'm also
a very good listener.

People like that.
Go on.

It's a little more compd
than that, don't you th?

Sir?
Oh, I'm so sorry.

I was thinking about bi.

What I was trying to sas
that you can't just invt
a personality overnight.

It's something that
takes shape over time.

Like a nest.
Enough with the birds.

All right. All right, T.
I'll just let you get bk
to work.

Actually,
it's not work at all.

I felt so badly about
firing poor Lester,

I've taken it upon mysef
to find him another job.

"Eco-friendly buildings
for low-income housing."

Mmm-hmm.
Good salary,
solid benefits.

Well, Lester should be
pretty happy.

Mmm, I should think so.

This job is actually
way better than, uh...

Than mine.

Tastefully decorated ro.

Lovely flowers.

Hey, it looks like
they squeezed her
into a regular-sized ca.

Sir, a moment,
please.

Timmy, can you come in here
for a second?

I'm...

Take a look
at this photo.

Do you think this pictus
a fake?

Oh, no, I'm sure
it's a genuine photograh

of Pippa Middleton
and J. Lo going at it.

Now, as you know, sir,
I let Lester go.

I mean,
where would
they have met?

Sir.
She lives in England.

Sir, I held up
my end of the deal.

Now it's your turn
to hold up yours.

Oh, yeah, your raise.
What a buzz kill.

I don't know, Tim.

I mean, the economy's kind f
in a shambles right now.

You are going to give me
a substantial raise,

and if you don't,
I will leave
and take this job.

"Eco-friendly housing"?
Snore.

Sent them my resume,
had a meeting.

The job's mine
if I want it.

But look at
this crappy salary.

It's 20% more
than I make here.

But can you really put a pre
on working with friends?

Hmm.
I detest you.

And in addition
to matching their offer,

you will also start
treating me like
a human being.

Oh...

Wowee.

Well, that's asking a l.

I have the leverage.

(SIGHS)

♪ Bah bah bah bah ♪

(EXCLAIMING)

(CLICKS TONGUE)

10% raise.
No on the human being.

Pass.

Wait.

15 and I'll treat you le
Koko the gorilla,

the one they taught
to read and write.

20%. Human being.

(LAUGHS)

Eh...

How about this?

18 and Neanderthal man.
That's more man than ap,
and I think it's very f.

What can one say
about Lucille?

Oh, man, at least Lucy
gets to lie down.

Do you still think
you can speak?

How's your voice?

(HOARSELY) Better.

(COUGHS)
Aud, you can't do this.

(HOARSELY)
It is important to me.

And the next speaker will be
Lucy's beloved niece Audrey.

Hey, I'll tell you what.

We'll go up there together d
I'll read your speech for y.

This just says,
"You're a moron."

(WHISPERING) You left
your speech at home?

Don't worry.
I've got this.

Hey, Jeff Bingham here.

I'm speaking for
my dumb wife Audrey.

Dumb in that she can't spea,
not stupid.

She's actually really s,

which often comes back
to bite me in the ass.

Anyway, yeah, Aunt Lucy.
She's right in there.

Well, where does
where does one start?

Uh, she loved Funyuns.

Eggs.
(HOARSELY)
That's enough.

I want to do this.

I want to tell you someg
about Aunt Lucy

that even Audrey doesn't kn.

When Audrey and I
were first dating,

uh, I came out here
to meet her family,

and it was
pretty intimidating.

I was feeling
a lot of pressure.

And one night Aunt Lucy
came up to me

and she said, "Jeff,
Audrey is a strong woman

"because she comes from
this strong family,

"but as long as you love he,
we will all love you."

She was right, and for ,
I will always remember .

That was me!

I told you that, not Lu.

Just know I've got thaty
in the hopper for you
when you go.

Hey, sunshine.

Hey. How was work?

Oh, the usual.

And it sounds like your voie
is back to normal.

Yeah, I think it is.

Well, all good things,
right?

Where's the remote?

I hid it.
(CLEARS THROAT)

Why?

I thought I'd take you p
on your earlier offer

to talk about work,
my friends, my feelings.

I'm sorry.

It was
a onetime-only offer.

Hmm, I'm starting to fot
where I hid that remote.

Well played.

So...
(CLEARS THROAT)

Work was good.
I was in the copy room today
and I ran into Wendy.

You remember Wendy?

I told you about her
and her husband Phil's p
to Yosemite?

Well, it seems that
Phil suggested Wendy
lose a few pounds.

She was crying.

I mean, Phil himself is
no prize,

but I was not gonna
bring that up.