Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 6, Episode 2 - Bros Before Nodes - full transcript

Worried about getting his father's approval, Russell gets Liz all dolled up to meet him. Meanwhile, Jeff is more concerned about his guys' weekend being cancelled than Audrey's feelings, and Adam makes a new friend.

Sir, I just got a call
from your father.

He's on his way up
to see you.

Oh! I did not know
that my dad was in town.

Sir, I know your father
can be intimidating...

(GROANS)

...but you're a grown m.

Why do you allow him
to have this power
over you?

I don't know.

Why do you allow me
to have power over you?

(SIGHS)

Anyway, he's in town
for a couple of days,



and he's excited
to meet your wife.

What? No!

My wife is Liz!

I mean,
look at this grill.

Sir, you're overreactin.

She's not that bad.

Compared to the chicks
he marries, she is.

His latest wife is one
of the hottest, youngest
women in the world.

That's it.
I need a professional escor.

You're going to use
a prostitute

to pose as your wife?

That's a great idea.
When I'm finished,
I'll have her do that.

Russell!
Hey.

Come here,
you little flyweight!
Come on.



Put 'em up!
Put 'em up!

So, wait, what are you
doing in town, Dad?

Well, I came in
to check up on
my company,

and I thought I'd meet
that tasty little piece
you married.

What do you think, Timm?
Is she a looker?

In the sense that
she can see? Yes.

Well, I've set quite
a high bar in the
marriage department.

That is, if you
throw out Russell's
mother as a mulligan.

It's funny because
she gave me life.

Here, take a look
at my latest.

I was in Tahiti,

and I saw the most
beautiful woman.

And then...

I married her daughter.

My God,
she's exquisite.

Yeah? You should
see her naked.

Matter of fact,
give me your email address.

Oh, no. You don't
have to do that.

It's right there on the.
All right.

Russell,
let's see a picture
of your wife.

Oh, Liz?
My wife? Um...

I don't think
I have one like
here, handy.

Well, no matter.

Bring her to the club
tomorrow night, 6:00.
I'll meet her then.

Okay, Dad.
Ho! Ha ha ha!

I never liked that.
See you, Timmy.

Sir.
(SIGHS)

Sorry I had to put
you through that.

Ah, it's all right, sir.

No, I'm talking
to the shredder.

♪ How many ways
to say I love you?

♪ How many ways
to say that I'm not sc?

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

What's Booger doing
in our booth?

Who?

That's Booger from
Revenge Of The Nerds.

Oh, hey, hey.
Guys! Guys!

Check it out!
It's Curtis Armstrong.

Hi! I'm Curtis!
Yeah, we heard.

Shove it over, Booger.

Um, it's actually Curti.

Oh, it's all right.
It's all right, Adam.

I'm...I'm proud of my w.

Jeez, don't break
your arm patting
yourself on the back.

Adam was actually
just about to tell me
how he and Curtis met.

It was raining...
Mm-hmm.

...and we both reached
for the cab door
at the same time, right?

And I was like...
Remember?

I was like,
"Where are you headed?"

And I'm like...

BOTH: "Where are you headed"

And so we
get to chatting,
and whatnot.

And what we realized,
that we have so much
in common, you know?

Like I love
Revenge Of The Nerds.

And I'm in
Revenge Of The Nerds.

Right.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Thank God.

It's Audrey.

Hey, uh, did the,
uh, doctor call?

Yeah, uh, he said
the thing in my throat's
just a node,

and, uh,
he's running some tests
to make sure it's nothi.

And he said
I shouldn't worry.

All right,
so let me guess.
You're going to worry.

Of course I am!

We won't know
the test results
till Monday.

I'm going to need you
to keep me calm this weeke.

Just try to relax.

I can't!

Good start.
I'll see you in a bit.

No test results
until Monday.

This is devastating.

Oh, my God.
Is she going to be okay?

Who?

Audrey!

Look, she's going to be fin.

But this whole throat tg
is just going to wreck
my weekend plans.

Dude, I am sure
she can still
do other stuff.

I'm supposed to go
to Syracuse this weeken,

to see my old
college buddies.

Oh, so go.
I can't.

Wait. Can I?

You do,
and she will
resent you.

Yes, and when her,
uh, test results
come back fine,

I will resent her.

Once again,
in marriage,

there are no winners.

You know,
there may be a way
for you to go

and not have Audrey
resent you.

Actors always
have the answers.

Go ahead, Curtis.

Okay.

The key is to have
Audrey think

it's her idea
that you go.

How?

Be such a nice guy

that she'll feel
too guilty to ask
you to stay.

What?

You know,

Booger actually might be
on to something here.

You know,
I have made
over 30 movies.

You played Booger
in all of them?

No!

Just four.

(MOUTHS)

Wow! Fancy!
Huh? (CHUCKLES)

What gave you the idea
for my day of beauty?

All the other days.

Oh, you!

But seriously,
you deserve to
be pampered.

You know, the way
my stomach's going,

I could use some Pamper.

Bonjour.

Hey, there you go.

French! (LAUGHS)

You know,
I speak French
to my husband.

With my tongue.

(LAUGHS)

Stay down,
cobb salad.

What can we do
for you today?

Everything!

I mean,
whatever you got,
throw it at her.

I'd like to look like
January Jones in
Mad Men.

Mmm.

Okay, you heard the lad.

January Jones
in Mad Men, it is.

Hey, call your families.

You won't
be home tonight.

Oh, we have
a special delivery
for Audrey Bingham.

Jeff, that is so...

Wait, is the special dey
what's behind the baske?

Not this time.

Then that
is very nice.

Uh, this stuff should jt
help keep your mind off
of your test results.

Uh-huh. Trashy magazine,
wine, romantic movies.

Look at you,
with your thoughtfulnes.

And I'm going to be
here every minute

to take care of you
and support you,

even if it means not gog
on my guys' weekend
to Syracuse.

Oh, God.
That's right.

That's this weekend.
It is.

Uh, but you
just say the word,

and I will cancel it.

Oh, honey,
don't be ridiculous.

Of course,
I want you to stay.

Yeah, yeah,
this will be fun.

I'm going to go
open this wine.

Then we can watch that
Tilda Swinton movie.

That's great
advice, Booger.

You look beautiful.

Boy, it's really nice
of you to invite me.

It can get lonely
working on location,
away from home.

Oh...
Well,

it is the anniversary
of our first date,

so it makes sense
that Booger's here.

You know, I'm getting
a little tired of this,.

Um, Curtis is more
than just Booger.

Oh...
No, no.

He has done
countless classics, oka?

Risky Business,
Better Off Dead.

I wrote additional matel
for the Goofy Movie.

Huh.
I did not know that.

Way to go, man.

Thank you, Adam.

What is happening?

I'm sorry,
I didn't mean
to get upset.

This is our anniversary.

This is our special nig.

To us.

To us.

Get in here, Curtis.

Hey, Timmy,
thanks for coming.

They're ready
to release Liz
into the wild.

Well, sir, I'm sure
they did a fine job.

Mr. Dunbar?
Yeah.

You can see
your wife now.

All right.

Did you make her look le
that hot chick from Mad Men?

(SULTRY) Hello,
Don Draper.

Turn her back around.

God! My dad's going
to laugh in my face.

Why, sir?

Because she has
the same hair as you?

Look, the only time
I've ever impressed my d

is with the hot
chicks I've pulled.

Without that, in his ey,
I'm nothing.

All right,
I've never told you thi,

for fear you'd
insult my manhood.

But my aunt
is a top stylist
in London.

And I used to work for r
during school breaks.

Totally gay.

But you think
you can make Liz

hot enough
to show my dad?

I don't think I can.

Oh...

I know I can.
Oh?

(UPBEAT MUSIC PLAYS)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

(MUSIC CONTINUES)

Excuse me, Dr. Lam.

Oh, Mr. Bingham.
Did we have
an appointment?

Ah, no, I just need
a quick favor.

I was hoping that
we could get Audrey's
test results early, you kno?

Before the weekend.

I'd like to help you,
but it's really up to t.

I see.

How much?

Excuse me?

Times are tough.
You want to wet your be.

I can play ball.
Let's dance.

I have patients
to attend to.

You can
show yourself out.

I get it. You just wante
to leave it on your des.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

Hello.

Oh, my God.
Already?

Oh! That is
such a relief.

Oh, thank you.

And please, please,
thank Dr. Lam for me.

(FALSETTO VOICE)
Oh, I will. Rest easy.
No worries, dear.

Bye-bye.

Wow.
(CHUCKLES)

A day of beauty
and now this
swanky joint.

Hey, my thong is so tig,
I can taste it.

Okay, well, uh,
why don't you go check t
the hors d'oeuvres?

Roger that.

Well, sir, your dad's
sure to be impressed.

Mrs. Dunbar looks
stunning tonight.

Yeah, you don't know
what stunning is to my .

Actually, I do.

He followed through
on emailing me
a photo of his new wife.

Oh, God.
Hi, Mommy.

Oh, wonderful.
You got the picture.

So what do you
think, Russell?

Oh, it's great.

Great young,
naked wife, Dad.

Thank you.

There's another
piece of the puzzle.

So where is this
wife of yours?

Liz!

It's official,
my thong just got
to fifth base.

(CHUCKLES) Liz,
this is my dad, Frankli.

Oh, delighted.
Mmm.

Well, the pleasure
is all mine.

But I'm not sure "littl"
is the operative word.

He likes her boobs.

You're bawdy.

I like that in
a captain of industry.

And I like that dress.

Oh, thank you.

Timmy picked it out.

Yeah, that figures.

He thinks I'm gay.

Always has.
So do I.

Liz, why don't you
join me in the bar?

Let me buy my new
daughter-in-law a drink.

Well, I am a bit parche.

Although my pits
sure aren't.

I hope this goes well.

Sir, isn't it time
you stopped craving
your father's approval?

I don't crave his appro.

I just desperately
need him to like her

to feel good about myse.

(GROANS)

Hey.

Hey! I'm so glad
you're home.

Doctor's office called.
Oh!

Wow. That wasn't
supposed to be till Mon.

That makes no sense.

I don't know,
but they called.

Everything's okay.

Oh, that's great news. .

Mmm.

Well, I guess
the lesson is

that you really
have to embrace life.

Mmm.
Travel.

Oh!

Yeah, hey!
You can go
to Syracuse.

Oh, that's right!
That's this weekend!

Yeah!

Go, go. Have fun.

I don't know.
Are you sure you're
going to be okay?

Please,
I'll be fine.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)

(CLEARS THROAT) Hello.

Oh, hey, Dr. Lam.

(WHISPERS)
I'll see you on Sunday.

Oh, yeah, thanks,
but someone from your
office already called.

He was?

Was he? Freeze!

Thanks for calling.

(CELL PHONE CLATTERS)

So the test results
are good? Congratula...

Shut up!

You actually had
someone from the doctors
office call and lie?

No, I called.

Gotcha.

What did you think
would happen Monday,
when I found out?

I'm no genius.
You know that.

God, I should have known
you were up to something

the second you offered
to stay with me.

You know,
a few years ago,

you never would
have missed that.

So, now,
where did we land

vis-a-vis?

Wow!

Well, you've got big on,
I'll give you that.

And I'm going
to leave this one up
to your conscience.

If, after what
you have done,

you can actually
walk out that door...

All right,
I'll see you on Sunday.

(SIGHS) Ah...

You know,
I had a lot of time to ,
out there in the hall.

And, uh...

I'm thinking I should s.

Mmm. I'm thinking
that might make

the rest of your life
tolerable.

Look, uh, I know
I've been a jerk
about this whole throat thi.

But I think
it's just really been
a defense mechanism.

I just... I couldn't act
that anything could ever
be wrong with you.

Wow.

Where'd that come from?

My butt.

I just pulled it
right out of there.

They've been
over there too long.

She's going to say
something gross.

Or her thong's
going to snap and
take his eye out.

Sir, I'm sure
everything will be fine.

In fact, here
she comes now.

(SIGHS)

You will not believe
what just happened.

I knew it.
Which eye was it?

What? No!

Your father just
propositioned me.

No! Really?

Oh, that's great!

See! Don't you get it?

Not only does he
approve of Liz,

he wants to do her.
I win, Timmy, I win!

Now wait just
a cotton-pickin' minute!

Is that why you
had your gay assistant
get me all dolled up?

I'm not gay. I...

So you can trot me
in front of your father,

like a prized hog
at the county fair?

I'm not sure
you'd win any prizes.

And then you have
the nerve to say
that you win?

Well, let me tell you
something, buster.

I'm the one who wins.

What?

Not only do two guys
want a piece of this,

but they're father and !

"Dear Penthouse..."

Come on, hubby.

You have a thong
to excavate.

Where have you been?

I've been trying
to reach you all day.

(SIGHS)

Coney Island.

Curtis had never been.

Look what he won me.

Hey...

Guess what I named him.

If you say Curtis,
I will gut the bear.

I haven't named him yet.

Hey, I don't understand.

You're acting like Curts
is your boyfriend.

Oh, honey.
That's crazy, you know?

I mean, he's a...a boy,

and he's a friend, but..

Look...I just really loe
Revenge Of The Nerds.

You know, I totally
identified with it.

Oh, did you used
to get picked on?

No, no, honey.
I was the handsome jock
who bullied the nerds.

But someone
stood up to you and
taught you a lesson?

No, no. One tried,

but I broke his
stupid glasses and
took his lunch money.

And I used
that lunch money

to rent
Revenge Of The Nerds.

(CELL PHONE RINGS)
Of course.

Shh!

Oh, my God.
It's a text from Curtis.

"Heading home.

"Got a job in LA."

Wow.

I didn't even get
to say good-bye.

Go to him.

You're the best.

(KISSES)

I hope that's all
that Booger gets.