Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 8 - Les-bro - full transcript
Jeff and Audrey finally settle on a surrogate. Meanwhile, Russell's mother, Bunny, comes to town.
♪♪♪
Ah.
-What are you doing in my office?
-Oh, I dropped a gift on your desk, sir.
Ah, you're like the fourth assistant
to do that.
And you wrapped it?
Well, there's a new twist.
Sir, while the thought had crossed
my mind...
...this gift was sent by your mother.
Oh, it was?
Oh, she's coming to town, yay.
I was surprised you had a mother.
I didn't imagine you coming from
human flesh.
Yeah, well, she is more plastic
than flesh now, heh.
Hmm?
A book, that sucks.
Aah, a paintball gun. Yeah, boy.
I like this one.
I need something to shoot. Ooh.
Puts this on your head.
Sir, just how stupid
do you think I am?
What's up, guys?
Mr. Rhodes, would you please
place this on your head?
Can do.
[GUNFIRE]
[CHUCKLES]
He totally missed the book.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪
♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
♪♪♪
All right, babe, have fun.
Jen says hey from Philadelphia.
Oh, she gets cell phone reception
in the Eagles' locker room?
Funny. She's visiting college friends.
Jen went to college
in the Eagles' locker room?
-Another good one.
RUSSELL: Heh.
So you guys ready
for my big guys' night?
-Oh, sorry, other plans.
-Yeah, same here.
No, but I've got three dips...
...and one's got seven layers,
that's like 10 dips.
Look, I don't know how to say this,
but your guys' night's gonna blow.
You did know how to say it.
Okay, you know,
you guys are dis-invited.
-I don't need you.
RUSSELL: Oh.
-Who are you gonna have?
-Who? Who am I not gonna have?
My place is gonna be wall to wall dudes
and you two are gonna miss it.
-Ahem, all right, so, what do you think?
-You look like Barney with boobs.
We're interviewing possible
surrogate candidates today.
And we're gonna find one.
We're gonna finally get this started.
Yup, by the end of the day...
...we may know
who's going to carry our child.
Oh, and there's more big news.
My softball banquet is tonight.
Right, which is equally important.
The MVP vote is tonight,
it's between me and Brenda.
Brenda? How can a girl
be that good, it's softball?
She's a lesbian.
When we're interviewing the surrogates
could you try to think before you talk?
Fine. But all I know is
at that banquet tonight...
...that lesbian is going down.
♪♪♪
Oh, yo-yo!
Timmy Limmy Ding Dong!
You get my message
about guys' night?
A little pizza, booze,
staying up till question mark.
-Sounds like a rowdy good time.
-Right on. Oh!
Although I'm taking antibiotics,
so I shan't drink.
I really do have an early morning
so I should turn in by 10.
All right, question mark equals 10.
Hello.
Hello, you must be Mrs. Dunbar
so pleased, oh....
This is Bunny Dunbar...
...I would like to make an appointment
at your salon for later today--
Hi, Mom. I'm glad you--
Which services?
All of them, of course, heh...
...everything you've got, just do,
do, do it to me.
Oh, great thank you so much, bye.
Ah, Rusty.
-Mommy, heh.
BUNNY: Heh.
Ah, don't touch.
And you must be...
...um, Russ's Sherpa.
My name is Timir.
-Oh.
-But please do call me Timmy.
Uh, it's a real pleasure to meet you,
Mrs. Dunbar.
Oh, please, Mrs. Dunbar
is my ex-mother-in-law...
...who incidentally, I wish was dead.
-My grandma.
BUNNY: Oh, heh.
-Call me Bunny.
-All right.
-Bunny.
BUNNY: Heh.
Oh, I just love your accent.
Is it British with, like,
a touch of South African?
-Am I right?
-Uh, no, mom, actually Timmy's from--
Yes, you're exactly right.
Uh-huh, you learn something
new every day.
Yes, every day for the last two years.
Anyway, Mom, so maybe today, lunch?
A movie? Mother-son portrait sitting?
BUNNY:
Oh, heh.
Darling, I'm so sorry...
...but I'm booked up
for the rest of the day...
...and then tomorrow
I'm flying to London.
But I am guessing
that you had a birthday this year.
-I did.
-Heh, I knew it.
-So I just popped by to give you this.
-Aah!
-Ooh la la, heh.
BUNNY: Heh.
Wonder what it is.
Sounds wildly expensive.
Well, yeah, but you deserve it.
Based on...?
Rusty, your little friend
is so charming.
I'd love him to join us
for dinner tonight.
-I would be absolutely honored.
-Oh, splendid. And now I have to go.
I have to have a young Brazilian man
tend to my every need.
And then I'm going to the spa.
Heh, I'm laughing because
it's uncomfortable.
[CHUCKLES]
Ciao, boys.
♪♪♪
And Vince cut the cord...
...and the doctor
handed the baby to Teresa...
...and even though
I was only the surrogate...
...I burst into tears.
Oh, that sounds so perfect...
-...and wonderful.
-Heh.
Yeah, it's all real solid.
And if this works out,
I'll be getting into the city more...
...so I can catch some
Yankees games.
You're a Yankees fan.
Uh, Jeff's a Mets fan.
But baseball should have no bearing...
\-...on what we're doing here, heh.
WOMAN: Heh.
Of course not.
What difference should it make that
your team buys the pennant every year.
Jeff.
The Yankees develop a ton
of their own talent.
Jeter, Posada, Rivera.
All home grown.
Uh, you're smoking
some home grown.
You're done talking.
-So, uh, should we call the agency or....
WOMAN: Tsk.
Maybe October's a good time...
...since, Jeff, won't have
any baseball to watch.
[LAUGHS]
-This isn't gonna work.
WOMAN: Ahem.
Sorry, he blew it.
Same way the Mets always do.
We'll see next year. We'll see.
She's not wrong.
Until the Mets get another bat
and some middle relief, phew...
...they're not going anywhere.
♪♪♪
What was your mother's belated
birthday gift, sir?
A money clip.
I won't say how much she gave me...
...but every bill has a picture of
President Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin was not president.
Heh, not of your country.
Because you had the starving dude
with the glasses and the diaper.
-Gandhi certainly had that coming.
-Heh.
Well, I shouldn't flaunt my gifts.
I mean, you had it tough growing up.
What was your Christmas present?
You get to ride the goat
before everyone ate it?
We didn't celebrate Christmas, sir.
Heh, you didn't even get
to ride the goat.
All you got for your birthday was a
phone call from your mom in India.
What phone call?
Your mom called
a couple of months ago.
I think you were getting me
a bagel or something.
Why on Earth
didn't you say something?
I know I didn't, but I will now.
Watch the personal calls at work.
Sir, my mother gave me
the greatest gifts of all.
Love, support, and quality time.
Yeah, poor people presents.
Sir, all this stuff
your mother gives you...
...is merely a sad replacement
for any of those things.
It's not all stuff.
He said, fondling his wad of 100s.
How about she's taking me
to dinner tonight?
How about that quality time for you?
Very well.
If you do decide to give it a thought...
...you'll realize there's some
truth to what I'm saying, sir.
[SCOFFS]
Give it some thought, ugh.
♪♪♪
AUDREY:
It was so nice to meet you...
...and I am so glad you don't care
about baseball.
Alrighty then, heh.
Well, I guess we'll be talking soon.
-Yeah.
-I hope so.
Uh, I guess if this works out, uh,
we'll have to shift our timetable.
-Why?
-Well, we'll have to wait for you...
-...to give birth to that one.
-Oh, my God.
I guess she had somewhere to go,
but I like our chances.
♪♪♪
-Oh, Mr. Rhodes, your pizza arrived.
-Ah. Sweet.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
-I'm having a big guys' night.
-Oh, got friends coming over?
Well, a lot of solid maybes.
-You want in?
-I'm working.
-Hence the outfit.
-Hey, come up when your shift is over.
Oh, let's call that
another solid maybe.
But we're gonna be crushing
it on the late tip.
I don't know what that means.
[ELEVATOR SPUTTERS]
ADAM:
Frank?
The elevator seems to have stopped.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Frankie.
♪♪♪
-So how is everyone's food?
RUSSELL: Mm.
Oh, were it legal for a man to marry
a plate of paella...
...I would take this to
city hall post haste.
Heh, marrying food must be legal.
Rusty's father is married to a tart.
Okay, I think she's referring to my
stepmom, Cammy...
...who is several years my junior.
Who unlike some people,
called me on my birthday.
Darling, you know that your birthday
is very hard for me.
It reminds me that
time does not stand still...
...even though
the muscles of my face do.
Mummy's very upset right now.
My goodness, I would not
want to play poker against you.
Oh, no, sorry.
-Have I offended you?
-Not at all.
I'm laughing.
Rusty, I know this is hard for you,
but in my own defense...
-...I've always missed your birthday.
-Well, that's true.
But I think the hurt has finally
caught up to me now that I'm 35.
Thirty-five, please.
Well, he is 35.
I mean, I had him when I was 17,
and now I'm 52.
Yes, well, I guess that makes me 7.
Well, Rusty, I'm here now...
...and I know what to do
to make it up to you.
-You do?
-Yes.
Here.
Oh, another gift.
I thought it might be something
a little more.
Well, it was very expensive.
Wait until you see it.
-Ah. A very expensive watch.
-Yes.
And I had three links removed so
it would fit my Rusty's wrist perfectly.
It's five links, Mom.
It's always been five links.
How can you not know that?
It doesn't hug my wrist
and it does not hug my heart.
BUNNY: Rusty, stop.
Where are you going?
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Oh, no.
I left my phone at home
and Abby's supposed to call tonight.
-Abby?
-Yeah, our last surrogate candidate.
Right, right.
Uh, don't worry about it.
She's got my number, when she
gets your voice mail, she'll call me.
All right, okay.
I'm counting on you.
-Hey, Audrey.
-Oh, hey, Brenda.
I see you let Jeff
out of his cage tonight.
What's up, you big gorilla?
Nothing much, carrot top.
Look who has a light beer.
Why don't you grow a pair?
Oh, well, I could borrow yours,
except they're in Audrey's purse.
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]
And you know, for your information,
the reason I am drinking a light beer...
...is because I don't want to
end up with a body like yours.
Um, the last chick you dated
had a body exactly like mine.
Uh-uh.
She was only rocking "B" cups.
[BRENDA CHUCKLES]
Wow. I didn't think it was possible...
...but you two are actually classing
this place down.
-Heh.
JEFF: Um...
...I gotta go make sure that
Sully has the correct spelling...
...of my name for the trophy.
Oh, okay. Well, it's probably
written in your underwear, right?
[AUDREY AND BRENDA
CHUCKLE]
I get why you went the other way.
Yeah, and Jeff's always there to
remind me of what I'm not missing.
Tell me about it.
We have been trying to find a surrogate
and he is dragging his feet the whole way.
-Why?
-I don't know.
There's gotta be something going
on with him.
Hey, um, just out of curiosity...
...what is the, uh, process for joining up
with your side?
Oh, God.
-We would love to have you, heh.
-Heh.
Plus, I could really use
the commission.
[AUDREY AND BRENDA
CHUCKLE]
♪♪♪
ADAM:
How's it going out there?
Mm, Hector the repairman's
on his way.
ADAM: Right on.
Yeah, the more the merrier.
Heh, are you implying that
this is your guys' night...
...and you're counting the repairman
and me as attendees?
ADAM:
Is that all right?
Yeah, that's all right.
Also pretty sad.
[DOOR OPENS]
-Hey, hola, Hector.
ADAM: Oh, there he is.
That guy, he's the guy.
Cold one coming your way, Hector.
Oh, no worries, man.
Let's try it again.
Heads up, Hector.
Guys, we're out of beer.
♪♪♪
And another one for Brenda.
JEFF:
Boo!
Abby hasn't called yet.
Let me see your phone.
-Jeff, you missed six calls.
-Oh, damn it.
I was about to take it off silent.
Perfect. And voice mail.
I swear, I'm going to punch you
in the neck.
Ahem, hi, Abby, it's Audrey.
Listen, if you haven't left town yet...
...could you please call
Jeff's phone again?
Thank you.
-I'm sorry.
-And one more for Brenda.
Well, looks like the vote is a tie.
A tie?
Yeah, that's what's important here,
that stupid softball trophy.
-Hey, Audrey played in a game.
-Yeah, she should get a vote.
Okay, Audrey, we need you
to decide who wins.
-Congratulations.
-Oh.
No. No, I haven't decided yet.
I know how much this trophy
means to Jeff.
Recently he's been
thoughtless and selfish...
...and I can barely
look at him right now.
But being the bigger person,
I vote for Jeff.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yes. Yeah, look at this baby.
I love it.
♪♪♪
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
Rusty?
Hey, Mom.
What'd you bring me this time?
Oh, Rusty...
...I'm really sorry
that I haven't been there for you...
...in the way that
you wanted me to be.
Timmy and I have had a good
long talk about it.
-Timmy?
-Yes, sir. You're mother insisted...
...I enlighten her as to
why you're so upset.
Yeah, some of it has
hit me pretty hard.
Well, somebody had to start
the dialogue to let the healing begin.
That was me. I did that.
Timmy has made me realize that
I haven't been much of a mother to you.
[SIGHS]
Well, I barely saw you after
you won the custody battle...
...and I had to stay with dad.
I know I can't change the past.
But I'm finally going
to give you the gift...
...that I should have given
you a long time ago.
A pony?
-Is there a pony in the hallway?
BUNNY: No.
No, I am going to give you the gift
of self-reliance and independence.
No more trust fund.
Wait, that's not what I suggested.
That's not what I suggested.
No more free apartment.
No more my business manager
paying all the bills.
You're finally going to become
a real man.
With a pony?
It's time to grow up, Rusty.
I don't want to.
Oh, it's for the best.
I love you, son.
And let's have breakfast together
tomorrow before I leave.
I'd like that.
Bye.
Hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Just not in the face, sir.
[GUNFIRE]
[TIMMY GROANS]
Nor the genitals.
♪♪♪
Jeff, Sully just threw up
on my sandal.
I'm going to go rinse it off
and then I'd like to leave.
-Yeah, but you're going--
-I'm okay missing the slide show.
Oh.
-You can watch it online later.
-I'm not gonna watch it online later.
And they let you people get married
and not me.
Audrey, I'm sorry I've been
such a jackass.
This whole surrogate thing
has just got me crazy.
Yeah, why is it taking so long?
From my point of view,
the problem is, Jeff exists.
[CHUCKLES]
I guess the idea of a stranger
being such a big part...
...of our lives just seems
weird to me.
I don't let a stranger park my car.
Yeah, because then
you'd have to tip them.
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]
I make a salary.
And we've been burned before.
And whoever you end up choosing,
you don't really know them.
Yes, I know. It's rough.
But it's where we are.
I'll do it.
-What?
-What?
What are you saying?
I'm saying that I'll be your surrogate,
you know, if you want.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Yeah. I'm serious.
Put your baby in me.
Wait... So this is real?
-You would actually do this for us?
-Yeah.
Audrey, I really like you.
And, Jeff, you're...
...married to her.
-We accept.
-Great, heh.
I would kiss you, but I wouldn't want
to make you all hot and confused.
-Heh.
-Yeah, we probably shouldn't risk it.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you so much.
-This is amazing.
-I like where this is headed.
You realize you're signing
on for about a year of this.
[AUDREY AND BRENDA
CHUCKLE]
♪♪♪
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
♪♪♪
Adam?
Jeff.
[ADAM CHUCKLES]
You made it, big dog.
Yeah, we're out of beer.
Uh, the other guys left.
But we could get our rally on.
No, Jeff, come back here.
Look, I'm very hungry.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Help me, please.
♪♪♪
Ah.
-What are you doing in my office?
-Oh, I dropped a gift on your desk, sir.
Ah, you're like the fourth assistant
to do that.
And you wrapped it?
Well, there's a new twist.
Sir, while the thought had crossed
my mind...
...this gift was sent by your mother.
Oh, it was?
Oh, she's coming to town, yay.
I was surprised you had a mother.
I didn't imagine you coming from
human flesh.
Yeah, well, she is more plastic
than flesh now, heh.
Hmm?
A book, that sucks.
Aah, a paintball gun. Yeah, boy.
I like this one.
I need something to shoot. Ooh.
Puts this on your head.
Sir, just how stupid
do you think I am?
What's up, guys?
Mr. Rhodes, would you please
place this on your head?
Can do.
[GUNFIRE]
[CHUCKLES]
He totally missed the book.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪
♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
♪♪♪
All right, babe, have fun.
Jen says hey from Philadelphia.
Oh, she gets cell phone reception
in the Eagles' locker room?
Funny. She's visiting college friends.
Jen went to college
in the Eagles' locker room?
-Another good one.
RUSSELL: Heh.
So you guys ready
for my big guys' night?
-Oh, sorry, other plans.
-Yeah, same here.
No, but I've got three dips...
...and one's got seven layers,
that's like 10 dips.
Look, I don't know how to say this,
but your guys' night's gonna blow.
You did know how to say it.
Okay, you know,
you guys are dis-invited.
-I don't need you.
RUSSELL: Oh.
-Who are you gonna have?
-Who? Who am I not gonna have?
My place is gonna be wall to wall dudes
and you two are gonna miss it.
-Ahem, all right, so, what do you think?
-You look like Barney with boobs.
We're interviewing possible
surrogate candidates today.
And we're gonna find one.
We're gonna finally get this started.
Yup, by the end of the day...
...we may know
who's going to carry our child.
Oh, and there's more big news.
My softball banquet is tonight.
Right, which is equally important.
The MVP vote is tonight,
it's between me and Brenda.
Brenda? How can a girl
be that good, it's softball?
She's a lesbian.
When we're interviewing the surrogates
could you try to think before you talk?
Fine. But all I know is
at that banquet tonight...
...that lesbian is going down.
♪♪♪
Oh, yo-yo!
Timmy Limmy Ding Dong!
You get my message
about guys' night?
A little pizza, booze,
staying up till question mark.
-Sounds like a rowdy good time.
-Right on. Oh!
Although I'm taking antibiotics,
so I shan't drink.
I really do have an early morning
so I should turn in by 10.
All right, question mark equals 10.
Hello.
Hello, you must be Mrs. Dunbar
so pleased, oh....
This is Bunny Dunbar...
...I would like to make an appointment
at your salon for later today--
Hi, Mom. I'm glad you--
Which services?
All of them, of course, heh...
...everything you've got, just do,
do, do it to me.
Oh, great thank you so much, bye.
Ah, Rusty.
-Mommy, heh.
BUNNY: Heh.
Ah, don't touch.
And you must be...
...um, Russ's Sherpa.
My name is Timir.
-Oh.
-But please do call me Timmy.
Uh, it's a real pleasure to meet you,
Mrs. Dunbar.
Oh, please, Mrs. Dunbar
is my ex-mother-in-law...
...who incidentally, I wish was dead.
-My grandma.
BUNNY: Oh, heh.
-Call me Bunny.
-All right.
-Bunny.
BUNNY: Heh.
Oh, I just love your accent.
Is it British with, like,
a touch of South African?
-Am I right?
-Uh, no, mom, actually Timmy's from--
Yes, you're exactly right.
Uh-huh, you learn something
new every day.
Yes, every day for the last two years.
Anyway, Mom, so maybe today, lunch?
A movie? Mother-son portrait sitting?
BUNNY:
Oh, heh.
Darling, I'm so sorry...
...but I'm booked up
for the rest of the day...
...and then tomorrow
I'm flying to London.
But I am guessing
that you had a birthday this year.
-I did.
-Heh, I knew it.
-So I just popped by to give you this.
-Aah!
-Ooh la la, heh.
BUNNY: Heh.
Wonder what it is.
Sounds wildly expensive.
Well, yeah, but you deserve it.
Based on...?
Rusty, your little friend
is so charming.
I'd love him to join us
for dinner tonight.
-I would be absolutely honored.
-Oh, splendid. And now I have to go.
I have to have a young Brazilian man
tend to my every need.
And then I'm going to the spa.
Heh, I'm laughing because
it's uncomfortable.
[CHUCKLES]
Ciao, boys.
♪♪♪
And Vince cut the cord...
...and the doctor
handed the baby to Teresa...
...and even though
I was only the surrogate...
...I burst into tears.
Oh, that sounds so perfect...
-...and wonderful.
-Heh.
Yeah, it's all real solid.
And if this works out,
I'll be getting into the city more...
...so I can catch some
Yankees games.
You're a Yankees fan.
Uh, Jeff's a Mets fan.
But baseball should have no bearing...
\-...on what we're doing here, heh.
WOMAN: Heh.
Of course not.
What difference should it make that
your team buys the pennant every year.
Jeff.
The Yankees develop a ton
of their own talent.
Jeter, Posada, Rivera.
All home grown.
Uh, you're smoking
some home grown.
You're done talking.
-So, uh, should we call the agency or....
WOMAN: Tsk.
Maybe October's a good time...
...since, Jeff, won't have
any baseball to watch.
[LAUGHS]
-This isn't gonna work.
WOMAN: Ahem.
Sorry, he blew it.
Same way the Mets always do.
We'll see next year. We'll see.
She's not wrong.
Until the Mets get another bat
and some middle relief, phew...
...they're not going anywhere.
♪♪♪
What was your mother's belated
birthday gift, sir?
A money clip.
I won't say how much she gave me...
...but every bill has a picture of
President Franklin.
Benjamin Franklin was not president.
Heh, not of your country.
Because you had the starving dude
with the glasses and the diaper.
-Gandhi certainly had that coming.
-Heh.
Well, I shouldn't flaunt my gifts.
I mean, you had it tough growing up.
What was your Christmas present?
You get to ride the goat
before everyone ate it?
We didn't celebrate Christmas, sir.
Heh, you didn't even get
to ride the goat.
All you got for your birthday was a
phone call from your mom in India.
What phone call?
Your mom called
a couple of months ago.
I think you were getting me
a bagel or something.
Why on Earth
didn't you say something?
I know I didn't, but I will now.
Watch the personal calls at work.
Sir, my mother gave me
the greatest gifts of all.
Love, support, and quality time.
Yeah, poor people presents.
Sir, all this stuff
your mother gives you...
...is merely a sad replacement
for any of those things.
It's not all stuff.
He said, fondling his wad of 100s.
How about she's taking me
to dinner tonight?
How about that quality time for you?
Very well.
If you do decide to give it a thought...
...you'll realize there's some
truth to what I'm saying, sir.
[SCOFFS]
Give it some thought, ugh.
♪♪♪
AUDREY:
It was so nice to meet you...
...and I am so glad you don't care
about baseball.
Alrighty then, heh.
Well, I guess we'll be talking soon.
-Yeah.
-I hope so.
Uh, I guess if this works out, uh,
we'll have to shift our timetable.
-Why?
-Well, we'll have to wait for you...
-...to give birth to that one.
-Oh, my God.
I guess she had somewhere to go,
but I like our chances.
♪♪♪
-Oh, Mr. Rhodes, your pizza arrived.
-Ah. Sweet.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
-I'm having a big guys' night.
-Oh, got friends coming over?
Well, a lot of solid maybes.
-You want in?
-I'm working.
-Hence the outfit.
-Hey, come up when your shift is over.
Oh, let's call that
another solid maybe.
But we're gonna be crushing
it on the late tip.
I don't know what that means.
[ELEVATOR SPUTTERS]
ADAM:
Frank?
The elevator seems to have stopped.
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Frankie.
♪♪♪
-So how is everyone's food?
RUSSELL: Mm.
Oh, were it legal for a man to marry
a plate of paella...
...I would take this to
city hall post haste.
Heh, marrying food must be legal.
Rusty's father is married to a tart.
Okay, I think she's referring to my
stepmom, Cammy...
...who is several years my junior.
Who unlike some people,
called me on my birthday.
Darling, you know that your birthday
is very hard for me.
It reminds me that
time does not stand still...
...even though
the muscles of my face do.
Mummy's very upset right now.
My goodness, I would not
want to play poker against you.
Oh, no, sorry.
-Have I offended you?
-Not at all.
I'm laughing.
Rusty, I know this is hard for you,
but in my own defense...
-...I've always missed your birthday.
-Well, that's true.
But I think the hurt has finally
caught up to me now that I'm 35.
Thirty-five, please.
Well, he is 35.
I mean, I had him when I was 17,
and now I'm 52.
Yes, well, I guess that makes me 7.
Well, Rusty, I'm here now...
...and I know what to do
to make it up to you.
-You do?
-Yes.
Here.
Oh, another gift.
I thought it might be something
a little more.
Well, it was very expensive.
Wait until you see it.
-Ah. A very expensive watch.
-Yes.
And I had three links removed so
it would fit my Rusty's wrist perfectly.
It's five links, Mom.
It's always been five links.
How can you not know that?
It doesn't hug my wrist
and it does not hug my heart.
BUNNY: Rusty, stop.
Where are you going?
♪♪♪
♪♪♪
Oh, no.
I left my phone at home
and Abby's supposed to call tonight.
-Abby?
-Yeah, our last surrogate candidate.
Right, right.
Uh, don't worry about it.
She's got my number, when she
gets your voice mail, she'll call me.
All right, okay.
I'm counting on you.
-Hey, Audrey.
-Oh, hey, Brenda.
I see you let Jeff
out of his cage tonight.
What's up, you big gorilla?
Nothing much, carrot top.
Look who has a light beer.
Why don't you grow a pair?
Oh, well, I could borrow yours,
except they're in Audrey's purse.
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]
And you know, for your information,
the reason I am drinking a light beer...
...is because I don't want to
end up with a body like yours.
Um, the last chick you dated
had a body exactly like mine.
Uh-uh.
She was only rocking "B" cups.
[BRENDA CHUCKLES]
Wow. I didn't think it was possible...
...but you two are actually classing
this place down.
-Heh.
JEFF: Um...
...I gotta go make sure that
Sully has the correct spelling...
...of my name for the trophy.
Oh, okay. Well, it's probably
written in your underwear, right?
[AUDREY AND BRENDA
CHUCKLE]
I get why you went the other way.
Yeah, and Jeff's always there to
remind me of what I'm not missing.
Tell me about it.
We have been trying to find a surrogate
and he is dragging his feet the whole way.
-Why?
-I don't know.
There's gotta be something going
on with him.
Hey, um, just out of curiosity...
...what is the, uh, process for joining up
with your side?
Oh, God.
-We would love to have you, heh.
-Heh.
Plus, I could really use
the commission.
[AUDREY AND BRENDA
CHUCKLE]
♪♪♪
ADAM:
How's it going out there?
Mm, Hector the repairman's
on his way.
ADAM: Right on.
Yeah, the more the merrier.
Heh, are you implying that
this is your guys' night...
...and you're counting the repairman
and me as attendees?
ADAM:
Is that all right?
Yeah, that's all right.
Also pretty sad.
[DOOR OPENS]
-Hey, hola, Hector.
ADAM: Oh, there he is.
That guy, he's the guy.
Cold one coming your way, Hector.
Oh, no worries, man.
Let's try it again.
Heads up, Hector.
Guys, we're out of beer.
♪♪♪
And another one for Brenda.
JEFF:
Boo!
Abby hasn't called yet.
Let me see your phone.
-Jeff, you missed six calls.
-Oh, damn it.
I was about to take it off silent.
Perfect. And voice mail.
I swear, I'm going to punch you
in the neck.
Ahem, hi, Abby, it's Audrey.
Listen, if you haven't left town yet...
...could you please call
Jeff's phone again?
Thank you.
-I'm sorry.
-And one more for Brenda.
Well, looks like the vote is a tie.
A tie?
Yeah, that's what's important here,
that stupid softball trophy.
-Hey, Audrey played in a game.
-Yeah, she should get a vote.
Okay, Audrey, we need you
to decide who wins.
-Congratulations.
-Oh.
No. No, I haven't decided yet.
I know how much this trophy
means to Jeff.
Recently he's been
thoughtless and selfish...
...and I can barely
look at him right now.
But being the bigger person,
I vote for Jeff.
Yeah!
Whoo!
Yes. Yeah, look at this baby.
I love it.
♪♪♪
[KNOCKING ON DOOR]
Come in.
Rusty?
Hey, Mom.
What'd you bring me this time?
Oh, Rusty...
...I'm really sorry
that I haven't been there for you...
...in the way that
you wanted me to be.
Timmy and I have had a good
long talk about it.
-Timmy?
-Yes, sir. You're mother insisted...
...I enlighten her as to
why you're so upset.
Yeah, some of it has
hit me pretty hard.
Well, somebody had to start
the dialogue to let the healing begin.
That was me. I did that.
Timmy has made me realize that
I haven't been much of a mother to you.
[SIGHS]
Well, I barely saw you after
you won the custody battle...
...and I had to stay with dad.
I know I can't change the past.
But I'm finally going
to give you the gift...
...that I should have given
you a long time ago.
A pony?
-Is there a pony in the hallway?
BUNNY: No.
No, I am going to give you the gift
of self-reliance and independence.
No more trust fund.
Wait, that's not what I suggested.
That's not what I suggested.
No more free apartment.
No more my business manager
paying all the bills.
You're finally going to become
a real man.
With a pony?
It's time to grow up, Rusty.
I don't want to.
Oh, it's for the best.
I love you, son.
And let's have breakfast together
tomorrow before I leave.
I'd like that.
Bye.
Hmm.
[CLEARS THROAT]
Just not in the face, sir.
[GUNFIRE]
[TIMMY GROANS]
Nor the genitals.
♪♪♪
Jeff, Sully just threw up
on my sandal.
I'm going to go rinse it off
and then I'd like to leave.
-Yeah, but you're going--
-I'm okay missing the slide show.
Oh.
-You can watch it online later.
-I'm not gonna watch it online later.
And they let you people get married
and not me.
Audrey, I'm sorry I've been
such a jackass.
This whole surrogate thing
has just got me crazy.
Yeah, why is it taking so long?
From my point of view,
the problem is, Jeff exists.
[CHUCKLES]
I guess the idea of a stranger
being such a big part...
...of our lives just seems
weird to me.
I don't let a stranger park my car.
Yeah, because then
you'd have to tip them.
[AUDREY CHUCKLES]
I make a salary.
And we've been burned before.
And whoever you end up choosing,
you don't really know them.
Yes, I know. It's rough.
But it's where we are.
I'll do it.
-What?
-What?
What are you saying?
I'm saying that I'll be your surrogate,
you know, if you want.
Are you serious?
Yeah.
Yeah. I'm serious.
Put your baby in me.
Wait... So this is real?
-You would actually do this for us?
-Yeah.
Audrey, I really like you.
And, Jeff, you're...
...married to her.
-We accept.
-Great, heh.
I would kiss you, but I wouldn't want
to make you all hot and confused.
-Heh.
-Yeah, we probably shouldn't risk it.
Thank you.
Oh, thank you so much.
-This is amazing.
-I like where this is headed.
You realize you're signing
on for about a year of this.
[AUDREY AND BRENDA
CHUCKLE]
♪♪♪
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
♪♪♪
Adam?
Jeff.
[ADAM CHUCKLES]
You made it, big dog.
Yeah, we're out of beer.
Uh, the other guys left.
But we could get our rally on.
No, Jeff, come back here.
Look, I'm very hungry.
[ELEVATOR DINGS]
Help me, please.
♪♪♪