Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 21 - The Jeff Photo - full transcript
When an old photo of Jeff appears in an art gallery, he decides it's time to make some changes in his life. Meanwhile, Russell experiences a slump with women until he sees a familiar face.
[♪♪♪]
Anyway, we get to the end of the date
and I'm waiting for him to kiss me.
And all he offers was a fist bump.
So, what did you do?
Ah, I punched it in.
Oh, maybe I should have cosmetic
surgery to look more like that.
Oh, I don't think that's a good
or possible idea.
Oh, I would do anything
to have a body like hers.
Whoa, hold up, hors d'oeuvre man.
Thank you, heh.
These are to die for.
-I'll take your word for it.
-Mm.
I'm starting to think
I'm never gonna get a husband.
Don't put so much pressure
on yourself.
Don't look at every man
as potential husband.
I guess you're right. I shouldn't be
so focused on being Liz, the wife.
-There you go.
-I should just have fun.
I mean, I'm not gonna look like this
forever, heh.
Oh. I have some crudités
on my left breast.
Heh, it actually goes with the dip
that's on your right one.
Ah.
[AUDREY CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, my God.
What?
Look at me.
Huh? I am art.
How on earth did that thing...
-...get into this....
-Shh. Shh. Shh.
Just drink it in.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways to say
That I'm not scared ♪
♪ When you're by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
Wait, you actually bought a copy?
I, uh, happen to believe
that I was underpriced.
This thing's gonna
appreciate like crazy.
I think I remember that picture.
It was on a cover
of Honcho magazine, heh.
What's Honcho magazine?
I'm so straight, I don't even get
my own reference.
Uh, so how did this happen?
In college, this, uh, photographer
asked, uh, me to model for him.
I guess, he's become a big deal,
probably thanks to me.
And the, uh....
It's pretty impressive.
This is his flat stomach,
taut, sculpted muscles.
This faraway look in your eyes.
What were you thinking about?
Probably his upcoming audition
for Wham. What's Wham? I don't get it.
I'm sorry, what art gallery
is your picture hanging in?
It's not in galleries, it's on telephone
poles near schools and parks.
All this thing does is remind you
that you don't look like this anymore.
Yeah, I mean, you're like okay now.
But here, you were just a
fantastic physical specimen.
I'm still pretty close to that,
right, huh?
Yeah, heh, except instead of a six
pack, he's got more of a keg in there.
[LAUGHS]
I mean, you were hot, man.
You've got the ripped abs,
the lats, the delt...
...just the right amount of chest hair.
Heads up, Audrey. I think he wants
a piece of your husband.
No way.
Well, not this one.
[♪♪♪]
Ow. Aah....
What happened?
I tried to take a picture of myself
in the mirror and I got blinded.
Honey, we've talked about
how a mirror works.
You know, I think we should have
a professional photo taken of us.
-Why?
-Jeff had one of himself...
...when he was in his prime.
He's in such good shape,
his hair was tousled just right--
Okay, okay,
Audrey warned me about this.
I just think we should have a picture
of ourselves in our prime.
You know, looks fade, wrinkles start
to appear, things start sagging.
And I might not look as good either.
Adam, we are gonna age just fine.
I'm just saying,
we've both seen your mom.
Hey, my mom is.... I mean she's....
Yeah, a picture might be nice.
[♪♪♪]
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Hey.
What are you doing?
Juicing up a health drink.
Juice? Health?
You don't know those words.
I do now. I've got whey protein,
pure wheatgrass
and seaweed extract in here.
I'm getting back to that.
How many of those things
did you buy?
And, babe, why are you doing this?
For the art-loving public.
And when did we get a juicer?
Uh, last night on the way home from
the gym. It's pretty powerful too.
Look. Our wooden spoon.
It's a little splintery.
[♪♪♪]
[CHATTERING]
[MID-TEMPO MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Well, thanks for inviting me along,
sir.
Well, I've been in little bit of a slump,
I thought you might be helpful.
Well, then I'm, uh, honored
to be your moral support.
Yeah, you just stand there
looking skinny, poor and geeky.
It will highlight
that the alternative is available.
And you're welcome to
paying your cover charge.
Stop living in the past, Tim...
...we gotta find out which one of these
delightful young ladies...
...I'm gonna wear like a belt.
You find a lot of ways to say
the same thing over and over again.
-Hey, could you do me a favor?
-Heh.
Looks like the decision's been made
for me.
[WHISTLES]
Hi, I'm Russell.
You've chosen wisely.
-My name is Dawn.
-Oh, as in, uh--
Cue the crack of joke.
-This creepy guy is hitting on me.
-Hmm.
Can you sit here so he gets the hint?
Of course, I can.
[POP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Ah, oh, my God, I love this band.
I know, I really like them
and what they do.
What's your favorite song of theirs?
That's a tough one. I'd maybe say
the first song on side two.
What's a side two?
Who knows,
I'm too busy tweeting my besties.
-Oh, hey, sorry.
-Oh, sorry, dude.
My father here just found me
and he's really mad because
I'm supposed to be grounded.
I'm really sorry, Dad.
-Thank you so much, sir.
-Yeah, I'm happy to, uh, help.
"Sir?"
"Dad?"
Look on the bright side.
She could have reasonably gone
"Grandpa".
Dude, I took you out here
thinking you could help my slump...
...but instead
I'm watching my strikeout...
...reflected in those Hubble telescopes
you call glasses.
Sir, why not try learning a lesson from
this and graduate from dating girls...
...to dating women.
[SIGHS]
You might be right, Tim. She was flat.
I meant someone
a little more mature...
-...someone who might know
what side two means.
-Hmm.
-For instance...
...and may she one day forgive me
for bringing her to your attention...
...this woman over here.
All right, I'll do it.
-All right.
-I could do a little charity work tonight.
Get me out on my slump.
By the way,
she's not gonna forgive you.
Hey, there. I thought I'd boot-scoot
over here and buy you a drink.
-How about them, apples, heh?
-Sorry, I'm a lesbian.
-Oh, really?
-Effective immediately.
Ah.
[♪♪♪]
Here you go. Another scotch.
Hey, thanks, Doreen.
Um, can I ask you a question?
Yeah, they're real.
No, that's not what I was gonna ask,
uh....
Wow, all right, I can't remember.
What can I get you?
What is the healthiest thing
on the menu?
Nothing.
Hey, what's wrong?
Why the orange face?
Just....
Can't seem to break out
of the slump with the ladies.
Still? You just gotta hang in there.
Get back on the horse.
Ah, I'm sick of paying for it, though.
Horse.
-I said--
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaking of, here comes Liz.
Do not leave me alone with her.
-Stay here.
-Okay, okay.
Hi, Jeffrey, heh.
-Russell, right?
-Yup.
Anyways, I gotta get back
to my jogging, so I'll see you.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
RUSSELL:
Mm.
That's it. I gotta run.
-Uh, it was good--
-Here you go.
I ordered food.
What a space cadet, heh.
Doreen, could I get maybe one more?
And make it a double.
You know what? Make it two doubles.
[♪♪♪]
Nice work, lover.
RUSSELL [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]:
Mm-hm.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
What are you, uh....
I left you with....
You're wearing the same....
Oh, no.
-Please don't tell anyone.
-Come on, man.
It was a mistake.
I was drinking, man.
Liz? Is there enough booze?
-Look, I was in that slump--
-No! No excuses!
You did a bad thing!
I can fix this, man.
Look, I'm not gonna take her calls,
and I'll avoid your building.
She'll get the hint, buddy,
and everything will be back to normal.
You're not gonna tell anyone, right?
I wouldn't wanna taste the words.
Thanks, buddy.
-Get out of here.
-Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Ah, yes, very nice. Yes.
All right.
I'm really liking what I'm seeing.
-Ah, thanks, Rudolfo.
-Now, let's get a little sexier.
-Why don't you both remove your tops.
ADAM: Oh.
Can do, Rudy.
I'm not sure I'm ready yet.
Oh, Jen, you saw my portfolio.
It'll be very tasteful.
We'll strategically cover
any parts that may--
Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, if I may....
I'll tell you what,
um, I'll go first on my own.
You'll see how easy it is, okay?
[ADAM SIGHS]
-Rudolfo.
RUDY: All right. Yes.
There you go. Okay, yes.
Oh, now. Now.
You're having fun.
You're having fun. Yes.
Like....
[BOTH LAUGHING]
RUDY:
Yes. So much fun.
Now... Now, now, you're a little shy.
A little shy.
-Oh, what?
-Oh, no. Oh, so shy.
Oh, now you've got a secret.
A secret.
What is it?
No, I wanted a different pose.
Wouldn't that be your secret?
-No, I meant--
ADAM: No, because it's your--
Okay, you know what,
just to end this, I'm ready now.
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
LIZ:
It's Liz.
[AUDREY CLEARS THROAT]
AUDREY: Hey, Liz.
-Heh.
Hey, Jeff, it's Liz....
Well, I just wanted to let you know
I took your advice, heh.
Oh, great.
So which gym did you join?
[CHUCKLES]
Not that advice, silly.
I met a guy,
and I just had fun in the moment, heh.
AUDREY:
Oh, good for you.
Half hour after we started talking...
...we were playing
the old Slap 'n' Tickle, heh.
Ooh, heh, and I didn't think of him
as husband material...
...because, believe me, he was not.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah. I mean, obviously, heh.
You're not gonna marry a guy
you slept with that fast.
How long before you and Jeff
started making love?
Uh, oh, I don't think we slept together
till we'd been dating for a month.
[MOUTHS]
Five days.
So who was this guy?
[CHUCKLES]
I'd really rather not say.
Heh, he was kind of a bowser.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, well, who's proud
to sleep with any man, really?
[CHUCKLES]
So how'd you leave it?
I pretended to sleep
while he let himself out, heh.
I think he got the message.
Let's just hope kitty doesn't come back
begging for some more milk, heh.
[♪♪♪]
She's embarrassed?
No, no, no. I'm embarrassed!
She said she was.
-Called you a bowser.
TIMMY: Woo-hoo
This can't be happening.
If she's happy to get rid of me,
I have officially hit rock bottom.
Are you sure that wasn't the time
you called me at 2:00 a.m...
...to ask if girls
also had Adam's apples?
Oh, I'm positive. This is way worse.
It can't end this way.
I'm supposed to get her to want me,
then I dump her.
Just the way it goes, man.
Oh, sorry, it's already over, bowz.
-Then I'll have to restart it.
-Restart what?
If I know Mr. Dunbar,
and I wish I didn't...
...he's going to try to sleep with Liz
again so he can be the one to end it.
[GIGGLES]
Exactamundo.
And I'm gonna bring the best game
I've ever brought.
And when she's begging for more...
...I'll tell her
the circus just pulled out of loserville...
...and we're on our way to
Skank Town, U.S.A.
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, Russell.
Oh, yeah, it's me.
And it's time for round two.
Well, I was just about
to change the cat box liner and....
Oh, what the h-e-double hockey sticks,
let's do this.
[♪♪♪]
-Ahem, Jeff, wake up.
-What?
-You were asleep.
-No.
I'm gonna make a smoothie
then I'm gonna go jog.
Gotta look like this.
That's a cactus, Jeff.
Jeez, trying to look like
your old picture is killing you.
You don't have to do this.
If I don't, then I'm just an old fat guy.
Oh, unh, shut up.
You are in better shape
than most guys your age...
...and a lot of guys younger
than you too.
True.
But wouldn't you rather have that guy?
No. I had that guy.
His dorm room was full of neon beer
signs and a Kelly LeBrock poster.
[SCOFFS]
Before Seagal got ahold of her.
I mean, come on, look.
Wouldn't you rather...
...have that guy with the six-pack
than this guy with the keg?
Oh, honey, is that what this is about?
I was just teasing you.
And I think you are way hotter now
than you were back then.
How do you figure?
Well, I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.
Let's just go to bed
and we'll sleep on it, okay?
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
Hey, lover.
Last night was incredible.
Thanks, babe.
But, uh....
-Here's the thing--
-Before you go on, listen.
No, no, no, wait.
You listen, okay?
-See--
-Wait.
Listen.
If anyone's listening,
it's gonna be you, okay? So listen.
-Listen.
-Listen.
-Listen. Listen.
-Listen. Listen.
-Listen! Listen.
-Listen. Listen!
Ugh, listen!
[SIGHS]
All right, let's try this again,
real quick.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Ah, so this is the picture
we decided to blow up and frame.
Ready?
Wow.
-What do you think?
-Uh, Jen looks hot.
Thanks.
What about me?
I'm not looking at you.
Can you?
Can.
Not gonna.
-What do you care what he thinks?
-I just do.
I want him to like it.
-Well, I think you look really sexy.
-Thanks.
Anyway, no matter how bad
we look when we get old,
we will always have this.
JENNIFER: Hmm.
-You'll also have this.
[GASPS]
Is that me?
Yes.
In an ad for a gay escort service.
Oh, my God.
The photographer must have
sold the picture to them
and then they Photoshopped it.
Well, at least they chose a good shot.
This is the one where I have a secret.
I think the secret's out, buddy.
[♪♪♪]
Anyway, we get to the end of the date
and I'm waiting for him to kiss me.
And all he offers was a fist bump.
So, what did you do?
Ah, I punched it in.
Oh, maybe I should have cosmetic
surgery to look more like that.
Oh, I don't think that's a good
or possible idea.
Oh, I would do anything
to have a body like hers.
Whoa, hold up, hors d'oeuvre man.
Thank you, heh.
These are to die for.
-I'll take your word for it.
-Mm.
I'm starting to think
I'm never gonna get a husband.
Don't put so much pressure
on yourself.
Don't look at every man
as potential husband.
I guess you're right. I shouldn't be
so focused on being Liz, the wife.
-There you go.
-I should just have fun.
I mean, I'm not gonna look like this
forever, heh.
Oh. I have some crudités
on my left breast.
Heh, it actually goes with the dip
that's on your right one.
Ah.
[AUDREY CLEARS THROAT]
Oh, my God.
What?
Look at me.
Huh? I am art.
How on earth did that thing...
-...get into this....
-Shh. Shh. Shh.
Just drink it in.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]
♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪
♪ How many ways to say
That I'm not scared ♪
♪ When you're by my side
There is no denying ♪
♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪
Wait, you actually bought a copy?
I, uh, happen to believe
that I was underpriced.
This thing's gonna
appreciate like crazy.
I think I remember that picture.
It was on a cover
of Honcho magazine, heh.
What's Honcho magazine?
I'm so straight, I don't even get
my own reference.
Uh, so how did this happen?
In college, this, uh, photographer
asked, uh, me to model for him.
I guess, he's become a big deal,
probably thanks to me.
And the, uh....
It's pretty impressive.
This is his flat stomach,
taut, sculpted muscles.
This faraway look in your eyes.
What were you thinking about?
Probably his upcoming audition
for Wham. What's Wham? I don't get it.
I'm sorry, what art gallery
is your picture hanging in?
It's not in galleries, it's on telephone
poles near schools and parks.
All this thing does is remind you
that you don't look like this anymore.
Yeah, I mean, you're like okay now.
But here, you were just a
fantastic physical specimen.
I'm still pretty close to that,
right, huh?
Yeah, heh, except instead of a six
pack, he's got more of a keg in there.
[LAUGHS]
I mean, you were hot, man.
You've got the ripped abs,
the lats, the delt...
...just the right amount of chest hair.
Heads up, Audrey. I think he wants
a piece of your husband.
No way.
Well, not this one.
[♪♪♪]
Ow. Aah....
What happened?
I tried to take a picture of myself
in the mirror and I got blinded.
Honey, we've talked about
how a mirror works.
You know, I think we should have
a professional photo taken of us.
-Why?
-Jeff had one of himself...
...when he was in his prime.
He's in such good shape,
his hair was tousled just right--
Okay, okay,
Audrey warned me about this.
I just think we should have a picture
of ourselves in our prime.
You know, looks fade, wrinkles start
to appear, things start sagging.
And I might not look as good either.
Adam, we are gonna age just fine.
I'm just saying,
we've both seen your mom.
Hey, my mom is.... I mean she's....
Yeah, a picture might be nice.
[♪♪♪]
[MACHINE WHIRRING]
Hey.
What are you doing?
Juicing up a health drink.
Juice? Health?
You don't know those words.
I do now. I've got whey protein,
pure wheatgrass
and seaweed extract in here.
I'm getting back to that.
How many of those things
did you buy?
And, babe, why are you doing this?
For the art-loving public.
And when did we get a juicer?
Uh, last night on the way home from
the gym. It's pretty powerful too.
Look. Our wooden spoon.
It's a little splintery.
[♪♪♪]
[CHATTERING]
[MID-TEMPO MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Well, thanks for inviting me along,
sir.
Well, I've been in little bit of a slump,
I thought you might be helpful.
Well, then I'm, uh, honored
to be your moral support.
Yeah, you just stand there
looking skinny, poor and geeky.
It will highlight
that the alternative is available.
And you're welcome to
paying your cover charge.
Stop living in the past, Tim...
...we gotta find out which one of these
delightful young ladies...
...I'm gonna wear like a belt.
You find a lot of ways to say
the same thing over and over again.
-Hey, could you do me a favor?
-Heh.
Looks like the decision's been made
for me.
[WHISTLES]
Hi, I'm Russell.
You've chosen wisely.
-My name is Dawn.
-Oh, as in, uh--
Cue the crack of joke.
-This creepy guy is hitting on me.
-Hmm.
Can you sit here so he gets the hint?
Of course, I can.
[POP MUSIC
PLAYING OVER SPEAKERS]
Ah, oh, my God, I love this band.
I know, I really like them
and what they do.
What's your favorite song of theirs?
That's a tough one. I'd maybe say
the first song on side two.
What's a side two?
Who knows,
I'm too busy tweeting my besties.
-Oh, hey, sorry.
-Oh, sorry, dude.
My father here just found me
and he's really mad because
I'm supposed to be grounded.
I'm really sorry, Dad.
-Thank you so much, sir.
-Yeah, I'm happy to, uh, help.
"Sir?"
"Dad?"
Look on the bright side.
She could have reasonably gone
"Grandpa".
Dude, I took you out here
thinking you could help my slump...
...but instead
I'm watching my strikeout...
...reflected in those Hubble telescopes
you call glasses.
Sir, why not try learning a lesson from
this and graduate from dating girls...
...to dating women.
[SIGHS]
You might be right, Tim. She was flat.
I meant someone
a little more mature...
-...someone who might know
what side two means.
-Hmm.
-For instance...
...and may she one day forgive me
for bringing her to your attention...
...this woman over here.
All right, I'll do it.
-All right.
-I could do a little charity work tonight.
Get me out on my slump.
By the way,
she's not gonna forgive you.
Hey, there. I thought I'd boot-scoot
over here and buy you a drink.
-How about them, apples, heh?
-Sorry, I'm a lesbian.
-Oh, really?
-Effective immediately.
Ah.
[♪♪♪]
Here you go. Another scotch.
Hey, thanks, Doreen.
Um, can I ask you a question?
Yeah, they're real.
No, that's not what I was gonna ask,
uh....
Wow, all right, I can't remember.
What can I get you?
What is the healthiest thing
on the menu?
Nothing.
Hey, what's wrong?
Why the orange face?
Just....
Can't seem to break out
of the slump with the ladies.
Still? You just gotta hang in there.
Get back on the horse.
Ah, I'm sick of paying for it, though.
Horse.
-I said--
-Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah.
Speaking of, here comes Liz.
Do not leave me alone with her.
-Stay here.
-Okay, okay.
Hi, Jeffrey, heh.
-Russell, right?
-Yup.
Anyways, I gotta get back
to my jogging, so I'll see you.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
RUSSELL:
Mm.
That's it. I gotta run.
-Uh, it was good--
-Here you go.
I ordered food.
What a space cadet, heh.
Doreen, could I get maybe one more?
And make it a double.
You know what? Make it two doubles.
[♪♪♪]
Nice work, lover.
RUSSELL [IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE]:
Mm-hm.
[♪♪♪]
[GRUNTING]
[ELEVATOR BELL DINGS]
What are you, uh....
I left you with....
You're wearing the same....
Oh, no.
-Please don't tell anyone.
-Come on, man.
It was a mistake.
I was drinking, man.
Liz? Is there enough booze?
-Look, I was in that slump--
-No! No excuses!
You did a bad thing!
I can fix this, man.
Look, I'm not gonna take her calls,
and I'll avoid your building.
She'll get the hint, buddy,
and everything will be back to normal.
You're not gonna tell anyone, right?
I wouldn't wanna taste the words.
Thanks, buddy.
-Get out of here.
-Yeah.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Ah, yes, very nice. Yes.
All right.
I'm really liking what I'm seeing.
-Ah, thanks, Rudolfo.
-Now, let's get a little sexier.
-Why don't you both remove your tops.
ADAM: Oh.
Can do, Rudy.
I'm not sure I'm ready yet.
Oh, Jen, you saw my portfolio.
It'll be very tasteful.
We'll strategically cover
any parts that may--
Rudy. Rudy, Rudy, if I may....
I'll tell you what,
um, I'll go first on my own.
You'll see how easy it is, okay?
[ADAM SIGHS]
-Rudolfo.
RUDY: All right. Yes.
There you go. Okay, yes.
Oh, now. Now.
You're having fun.
You're having fun. Yes.
Like....
[BOTH LAUGHING]
RUDY:
Yes. So much fun.
Now... Now, now, you're a little shy.
A little shy.
-Oh, what?
-Oh, no. Oh, so shy.
Oh, now you've got a secret.
A secret.
What is it?
No, I wanted a different pose.
Wouldn't that be your secret?
-No, I meant--
ADAM: No, because it's your--
Okay, you know what,
just to end this, I'm ready now.
[♪♪♪]
[KNOCK ON DOOR]
LIZ:
It's Liz.
[AUDREY CLEARS THROAT]
AUDREY: Hey, Liz.
-Heh.
Hey, Jeff, it's Liz....
Well, I just wanted to let you know
I took your advice, heh.
Oh, great.
So which gym did you join?
[CHUCKLES]
Not that advice, silly.
I met a guy,
and I just had fun in the moment, heh.
AUDREY:
Oh, good for you.
Half hour after we started talking...
...we were playing
the old Slap 'n' Tickle, heh.
Ooh, heh, and I didn't think of him
as husband material...
...because, believe me, he was not.
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
Yeah. I mean, obviously, heh.
You're not gonna marry a guy
you slept with that fast.
How long before you and Jeff
started making love?
Uh, oh, I don't think we slept together
till we'd been dating for a month.
[MOUTHS]
Five days.
So who was this guy?
[CHUCKLES]
I'd really rather not say.
Heh, he was kind of a bowser.
[LAUGHS]
Oh, well, who's proud
to sleep with any man, really?
[CHUCKLES]
So how'd you leave it?
I pretended to sleep
while he let himself out, heh.
I think he got the message.
Let's just hope kitty doesn't come back
begging for some more milk, heh.
[♪♪♪]
She's embarrassed?
No, no, no. I'm embarrassed!
She said she was.
-Called you a bowser.
TIMMY: Woo-hoo
This can't be happening.
If she's happy to get rid of me,
I have officially hit rock bottom.
Are you sure that wasn't the time
you called me at 2:00 a.m...
...to ask if girls
also had Adam's apples?
Oh, I'm positive. This is way worse.
It can't end this way.
I'm supposed to get her to want me,
then I dump her.
Just the way it goes, man.
Oh, sorry, it's already over, bowz.
-Then I'll have to restart it.
-Restart what?
If I know Mr. Dunbar,
and I wish I didn't...
...he's going to try to sleep with Liz
again so he can be the one to end it.
[GIGGLES]
Exactamundo.
And I'm gonna bring the best game
I've ever brought.
And when she's begging for more...
...I'll tell her
the circus just pulled out of loserville...
...and we're on our way to
Skank Town, U.S.A.
[LAUGHS]
[♪♪♪]
Oh, Russell.
Oh, yeah, it's me.
And it's time for round two.
Well, I was just about
to change the cat box liner and....
Oh, what the h-e-double hockey sticks,
let's do this.
[♪♪♪]
-Ahem, Jeff, wake up.
-What?
-You were asleep.
-No.
I'm gonna make a smoothie
then I'm gonna go jog.
Gotta look like this.
That's a cactus, Jeff.
Jeez, trying to look like
your old picture is killing you.
You don't have to do this.
If I don't, then I'm just an old fat guy.
Oh, unh, shut up.
You are in better shape
than most guys your age...
...and a lot of guys younger
than you too.
True.
But wouldn't you rather have that guy?
No. I had that guy.
His dorm room was full of neon beer
signs and a Kelly LeBrock poster.
[SCOFFS]
Before Seagal got ahold of her.
I mean, come on, look.
Wouldn't you rather...
...have that guy with the six-pack
than this guy with the keg?
Oh, honey, is that what this is about?
I was just teasing you.
And I think you are way hotter now
than you were back then.
How do you figure?
Well, I wasn't really prepared
for a follow-up question.
Let's just go to bed
and we'll sleep on it, okay?
[♪♪♪]
[CHUCKLES]
[SIGHS]
Hey, lover.
Last night was incredible.
Thanks, babe.
But, uh....
-Here's the thing--
-Before you go on, listen.
No, no, no, wait.
You listen, okay?
-See--
-Wait.
Listen.
If anyone's listening,
it's gonna be you, okay? So listen.
-Listen.
-Listen.
-Listen. Listen.
-Listen. Listen.
-Listen! Listen.
-Listen. Listen!
Ugh, listen!
[SIGHS]
All right, let's try this again,
real quick.
[♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪]
Ah, so this is the picture
we decided to blow up and frame.
Ready?
Wow.
-What do you think?
-Uh, Jen looks hot.
Thanks.
What about me?
I'm not looking at you.
Can you?
Can.
Not gonna.
-What do you care what he thinks?
-I just do.
I want him to like it.
-Well, I think you look really sexy.
-Thanks.
Anyway, no matter how bad
we look when we get old,
we will always have this.
JENNIFER: Hmm.
-You'll also have this.
[GASPS]
Is that me?
Yes.
In an ad for a gay escort service.
Oh, my God.
The photographer must have
sold the picture to them
and then they Photoshopped it.
Well, at least they chose a good shot.
This is the one where I have a secret.
I think the secret's out, buddy.
[♪♪♪]