Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 20 - Beating the System - full transcript

NARRATOR:
Previously on Rules of Engagement:

-What are you saying?
-I'm saying that I'll be your surrogate.

You know, if you want.

Are you serious?

Put your baby in me.

Excuse me.

I'm who they're putting it in, so....

Now, you saddle up
and get this right the first time.

Oh, I just know you're pregnant.
I really think we nailed it this time.

Could be,
I'm already feeling a little nauseous.

Yeah, well, listening to Jeff peeing
is making me nauseous too.



Hey, come on,
Brenda's gotta take the test.

Hurry up, Seabiscuit.

Finally.

I saved time
by not washing my hands.

[BRENDA & AUDREY GROAN]

Oh. Well, you didn't save any time
by aiming.

-Okay, let me see it. Let me see.
-Gross.

Oh, something's happening.

What-- What's a red line?

A red line...

...is a baby.

Aah! It's a baby, Jeff.

-We made a baby.
-Oh, my God!

Feel free to keep that going.



Really? Now?

Is there a bad time for girl-on-girl?

Can we please not have your
creepy perversion be part of this?

Fine.

Okay, now, I know we're all excited,
but we don't actually know for sure...

...so let's just keep this
between ourselves...

-...until we see the doctor.
-Agreed.

ALL:
Cheers!

Way to go, Aud,
you made it a whole 28 minutes.

Jen said, "What's up, Aud?"
What was I gonna do, lie to her face?

Congratulations,
you're gonna be a dad.

[ALL CHEER]

No sleep, no peace,
no sex, no money...

...your life is officially over. Heh.

Well, that might be true,
but I'm having a kid...

...and you're gonna die alone.

All right, fun's over.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪

Hey, Jeff, you wanna know
what you should order?

-No.
-Why not?

Because it'll be stupid.

No, check it out. Okay,
it's a breakfast sandwich, right?

But with waffles instead of bread.
It's for better gripping.

See?

Speaking of stupid,
how's the pregnancy going?

-So far, so good.
-Oh, yeah?

You're lucky.
That stuff can get rough.

What do you know about it?

There's a girl I was seeing once,
thought she was pregnant.

Uh, the sleepless nights, the crying,
the throwing up....

She was pretty upset about it too.

In my case, Audrey's not the one
who's pregnant, Brenda is.

So my wife can still drink.

Which helps her make
the bad decision to sleep with me.

-It's all a benefit of using a surrogate.
-That's why I'm doing it.

No, I thought it was because
you had, like, super-slow sperm.

Yeah, I thought it was
so Audrey wouldn't get...

...all messed up down south.

Looks like once again,
I beat the system.

Well, when did you beat it before?

1993,
I had a rental car for a week...

...and they only charged me
five days.

Disney World really is
the happiest place on earth, huh?

RUSSELL: Hey.
ADAM: Hey.

Oh, hey, there she is.

I was thinking maybe later we go over
to McSweeny's, catch the Mets game.

Ugh. Yeah, right.

Like I'm gonna sit next to you sober
in a bar that smells like armpit.

Only to then find out it isn't the bar
that smells like armpit.

-What's that all about?
-Well, Jeff...

...I've been barfing all morning,
and then...

...because I wasn't already
miserable enough...

...my idiot neighbor set off
a bug bomb in their apartment.

[SOBBING]

Are you crying?

Are you a moron?

Thanks a lot, Jeff,
you've turned me into a freaking girl.

Hey, I know what can help.

How about
I buy you some breakfast?

Oh, yeah,
that's just what I need, jackass.

More of your eggs in me.

Oh, God, I think I'm gonna be sick.

Looks like the system's
still got some fight in it.

And why, you ask?

Because the waffles
provide a superior grip.

What, have you been dropping
a lot of sandwiches?

Well, I mean, enough
to wanna do something about it.

Ah, Jennifer,
so nice to see you here.

Oh, I just had to get out
of the apartment.

I've been knee-deep
in planning the wedding.

There is so much to do.

Yeah, and Jen doesn't like
any of my suggestions.

His last one was a petting zoo.

To celebrate our love.

Yes, because nothing
says "I love you"...

...like walking around in goat poo.

You know, Jennifer,
in a former life...

...I was an assistant
to an event planner.

Oh. What, you remember
your past life? That's amazing.

Was I there?

Um, I was referring to my life
before I met Mr. Dunbar...

...and began my career
as Satan's wet nurse.

You know, there's wedding-planning
software that can be very helpful.

I could help you set it up
if you'd like.

Oh, that would be great.
What about tonight after work?

Oh, I can do it right now.

It's the middle of the day. I mean,
won't Russell know you're gone?

Not if I bring in my replacement.

You can't tell me
that actually works.

It began as an act of rebellion.

I wanted to show Mr. Dunbar
what it would be like without me.

Apparently,
it would be largely the same.

-Let's go.
-Yeah, let's.

He keeps looking at me.

Hey, Timmy, I'm gonna take
a little nappy-nap. No calls.

No, no, no. None.

-Hey.
-Hey.

I just got off the phone with Brenda.

Oh, the pregnant lunatic
go off on you too?

-What?
-I've never seen her...

...so unreasonable and cranky.

She was being pretty wife-y.

Wife-y?

You know what I mean.

Yes, I know what you mean.

And you're being pretty selfish
and insensitive.

Or should I say "husband-y."

Oh, that was a little uncalled for.

Hey, why are we arguing here?

Because you walked
into the apartment and spoke.

Look,
we're on the same team here.

All right, we get to be
on the sidelines having fun...

...while our baby caddy
does all the heavy lifting.

What is your problem?

I don't wanna be on the sidelines.
I want to be involved.

And you should too. For once
in your life, don't be so selfish.

Or...

...you be selfish with me.

How about I take you out
for a big night on the town? Huh?

Let's crack open
that coupon book...

...that, uh, we bought
from that cub scout.

No.
I am going over to help Brenda.

If you wanna go out,
go by yourself.

Aud, I'm not going without you.

Most of these are two-for-one.

Audrey's almost as bad
as Brenda now.

Oh, really?
So now you've got nowhere to turn.

I'm going up
against tag-team wrestlers.

You're trying to pin one...

...the other sneaks up behind you
and brains you with a folding chair.

Well, I'd tell you
how I'd handle your problem...

...but I'm sure you don't wanna hear
what I have to say.

Thanks, buddy, I appreciate that.

Oh, no, my sandwich
slipped out of my hands.

-Really?
-No.

I feel for you, buddy,
but just tap out.

No, I got this.

I know exactly what to do
when Audrey gets like this.

I'm sorry, Aud, I'm gonna be home
a little bit later than usual tonight.

I got a lot of paperwork
I gotta get through.

Okay.

Bingham for the win.

Let's focus on the ones I did make.

Now, the wedding software
does a lot of the work.

For instance,
if you input your zip code...

...it brings up links to local florists.

What sort of flowers
were you thinking about?

Oh, well,
I've always liked white roses.

White roses. Hmm.

Is something wrong?

No, no, no,
it's a classic and elegant choice.

What? You can tell me. Be honest.

Okay.
Are we planning a wedding here...

...or some sort of backwoods
junior prom?

Wow, uh, okay,
what would you suggest?

Here's a thought. What if you went
with seasonal wildflowers...

...which you could easily integrate...

...to both your bridal bouquets
and your centerpieces?

-Oh, I love that.
-Yeah, then after the ceremony...

-...we can feed them to the animals--
-There's no petting zoo.

You put a bull's-eye on this
from the moment I mentioned it.

Just remember,
this is my big day too.

[SIGHS]

Ah, you're home.

Had to happen.

What exactly were you working on
so late?

That damned Anderson account.

I thought you said
it was the Jenkins file.

The Jenkins/Anderson merger.
Keep up.

How are things going?

Brenda's feeling worse and worse.

And I'm freaking out
trying to make her comfortable.

-I'm so sorry.
-Yeah, well, forget about it.

I've given up on you being helpful.

I appreciate that, hon.

It's just, this pregnancy
is hitting us pretty fast...

...and you know me,
I'm a creature of habit and I--

Hey, thanks for letting me stay here
for a while.

--I don't like change.

So this is a thing?
Uh, Brenda's staying here now?

No, Jeff, I just stopped by
to model my robe.

Can I go stay at her place, or...?

No, Jeff, you stay here.

Look, she had to get away from the
bug bomb fumes in her building.

Plus, this way we can
help take care of her.

JEFF:
Okay.

On a completely unrelated note,
I need all of our beer.

Ugh. Oh, my God, Jeff, your feet.

Oh, I'm gonna totally
gonna be sick again.

Oh, great. Look what you did.

All I did was walk into my home.

You know what your feet are like
at the end of the day.

Seriously, I think that's why
we don't have any cockroaches.

On second thought,
I need all of our Scotch.

No. Not now.

I need you to go to the store
and pick up some ginger ale.

No, I'll just drink it straight.

For Brenda. And saltines too.

[JEFF SIGHS]

It's the end of the day,
my shoes are off...

...my pants
are on the on-deck circle.

Come on, Jeff, can you at least
do one helpful thing?

[JEFF SIGHS]

All right, just one.

Thank you.

God, my head is killing me.

-Get me something for a headache.
-Okay.

Ooh. But not aspirin, ibuprofen.

And not the PM kind,
just the regular kind.

Oh, and don't get the caplets...

...get the tablets
with the special coating.

[AUDREY SIGHS]
[BRENDA GAGGING]

[BRENDA COUGHS]

Touché, system.

No, you're not listening to me.

I just think
that people would prefer a buffet.

People lining up with plates?

What is wrong with that?

Oh, nothing at all.
Perhaps after chow time...

...we can give the guests 10 minutes
to lift weights in the yard.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Jeez, I should've hired
cardboard Timmy.

Oh, and I've got
an Oompa Loompa.

Oh, you mean a hard worker...

...with a solid base tan and a talent
for improvisational song?

Guilty. Heh.

Ah, there you are.
I knew that wasn't you at your desk.

But you weren't completely certain
until you saw me sitting here?

Savvy detective work, sir.

What are you doing here, anyway?

Helping Jennifer
plan her wedding.

That's what you left
in the middle of the day for?

Unprofessional.

All right, let's go.

You gotta come to the club with me
and be my wiener-blocker-blocker.

As, uh, soul-enriching
as that sounds...

...I'll meet you there
once I'm done here.

I'll just wait.

All right,
why don't you guys just go ahead?

I got it from here, Timmy.

All due respect,
I don't think that you do got it.

Just moments ago,
you suggested...

...we hire a DJ
who calls himself Vinyl Richie.

DJ. P-U.

And, uh, what exactly
would you know...

...about putting on a wedding?

Uh, both of my parents have been
married numerous times.

Often, I was invited.

What this wedding needs
is a photo booth.

-Might that not be a bit cheesy?
-Not cheesy, Tim.

Whimsical.
People like a nice memento.

Does anyone care what I think?

You may be right
about that photo booth.

It could go right next to the bar.

Right, and the girls
can get all liquored up...

...increasing our chances
of nip slips.

Now, let's talk centerpieces.

Well, I'm thinking...

-...origami.
-Origami.

Forget it.

Jen, wait.

I heard you when you asked
if we cared what you thought.

-You did?
-Yeah, and we don't.

Hey, Jeff. I thought that was you.

-Hey, buddy.
ADAM: Hey, man, um....

I don't think
you're allowed to drink in here.

I know. I'm hoping to get arrested
so I don't have to go home.

Well, I tell you, having your wife
bring home a lesbian...

...does not play out the way Cinemax
would have you believe.

I don't really wanna go home either.
I mean...

...Timmy and Jen are planning
our wedding and ignoring me.

No petting zoo?

It's not looking good.

Anyways, Audrey wants ibuprofen
with a special coating.

God forbid, Her Majesty, the queen,
has to choke down a chalky tablet.

Why don't you buy her
the wrong thing?

-That's what I do.
-Why?

Well...

...when Jen's in a bad mood...

...and I bring home
the wrong thing...

...she sends me back out
to get her the right thing.

Which means I get twice as much
time away from home.

Your brain came up with that?

Yes, it did.

That could work. All right.

Adios, fancy coating.
We shall meet again.

It's a good idea, pal.

Smart.

Thank you.

You know,
I did it accidentally a few times...

...before I realized
that I can do it on purpose.

It started when Jen--

Listen, I said that it was a good idea.
I don't need all the DVD extras.

For napkin colors,
we had a tough time choosing...

-...between Fuchsia Kiss....
-Or Foxy Pink.

-But....
-Timmy pointed out that Foxy Pink...

...will really make the flowers
on the table lamps pop.

To which Mr. Dunbar agreed...

...after first pantomiming me
in a spirited sexual act with a man.

Right. And for dessert,
we went a little bit outside the box...

...and went with a cupcake tower.

Just the right level of playful festivity,
we think.

And in that same spirit,
we revisited your '80s DJ idea.

Yes, the '80s being the decade
just after the decade...

...in which Mr. Dunbar's haircut
was last considered stylish.

Hmm.
It's not current, but I do get tons.

And that's our presentation.

Wow, uh,
it's not really what I imagined...

...but I love it.
I wouldn't change a thing.

-Well, we aim to please.
-How much is it gonna cost?

Ah. Here's where the software
can be so helpful.

RUSSELL: And the grand total
comes to $360,000.

We'll see ourselves out.

I'm back. I got your stuff.

What took you so long?
Were you waiting for it to go on sale?

Or did the manager think you were
trying to smuggle out a ham...

...in your giant head?

There's my girls.

Can I have the ibuprofen?

Something wrong?

These are gel caps.
I specifically asked for tablets.

What? I'm such an idiot.

Come on, Jeff. Be better.

See, this is why I like girls.
They actually listen. Heh.

God, your head is upsetting.

AUDREY:
Are you okay?

I will be.
Once I have some nachos.

Another batch?

Okay, I can grate
some more cheese.

Okay. Oh, and this time,
can you just make sure--?

Yeah, oh, yes, I will make sure
every chip has full coverage.

-Here.
-What--?

I'd love to stay and help
but I gotta make this right.

No, no, no, that's fine.
I'll just take those.

No, no, no. No, you will not.

I don't care how many times
I have to go back to the store.

No wife of mine gets caplets
when she wanted tablets.

[SIGHS]

Oh, well, hello, Miss
Adam-Doesn't-Have-Any-Good-Ideas.

Soon to be Mrs.
Adam-Doesn't-Have-Any-Good-Ideas.

Oh, yeah? Well, for your information,
my ideas are pretty good.

Jeff finally listened to one
and he loved it.

Oh. What was it?

Well, I told him
how when you're driving me crazy...

...and I don't wanna go home...

...I purposely buy you
the wrong thing...

...so I have to go back
and get you the right thing.

Oh, wait.

I knew it.

Listen, Jenkins, you gotta
work this out with Anderson.

I gotta get home to my wife.

-This may be a while.
-Put the phone down, Jeff.

[JEFF SIGHS]

-How did you find me?
-Well, it was either here or the diner.

You're not the man of mystery
you seem to think you are.

Why are you being
such a jackass?

The usual reasons.

Look, I got you your ibuprofen.

Gel caps? I asked for gel tabs.

So stupid! I'll be right back.

You know, uh, you can't avoid
going home for nine months.

What is your problem?

Look, I thought having a surrogate
was gonna make everything easier.

But Brenda turned into the creature
from Alien...

...you turned into the baby alien that
came out of the big alien's mouth...

...and hissed
at Sigourney Weaver.

Yeah,
it's harder than I expected too.

-Yeah?
-Yeah, but...

...we just have to remember that,
at the end of all this, we get a baby.

Yeah.

And then it gets easy, right?

Yeah, of course.

All right, let's go home.
I'll help you take care of Brenda.

Um, yeah, actually, uh,
we don't have to go home right away.

-No?
-No, we--

Part of the reason I came here
is I needed a break from Brenda.

She's getting to be a bit much.

Oh, which reminds me,
we have to stop by the store...

...and pick up some more
tortilla chips and cheese.

-What kind of cheese does she want?
-Cheddar.

We're getting Jarlsberg.

-Why?
-You'll see.

Hey, Tim,
wanna go grab some lunch?

Oh, sorry, I didn't realize
you were on the phone.

I'll go ask Russell.

Hey, Russell, you wanna--?

Oh.

[WHISPERS] Sorry, man,
I didn't realize you were napping.