Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 19 - The Set Up - full transcript

-That was good.
-Yes, it was.

Now I was thinking that perhaps
we can go into the bedroom...

...where I will give you the gift.

That's what you're calling it now?

You're the one who complained
that hammer time was dated.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Are you home, neighbors?

AUDREY:
Hey, Liz.

I, uh, thought
you had a blind date tonight.

Well, I was waiting for him
at the table.

Then this cute guy comes
in the restaurant...



...and starts checking me out.

He leaves.

The next second, my phone rings
and my date cancels.

If I had known
that was gonna happen...

...I would've made a move
on the first guy.

We gotta find someone for Liz.

That is impossible.

She's single, desperate
and hopeless.

Single, desperate and hopeless?
Tell me more.

-It's Liz.
-Tell me less.

She's always been
a really good friend.

And I believe there's someone
out there for everyone.

Heh. Battle cry of the uggos.

Look, we are finding someone for Liz,
okay?



Because what matters
is not how you look, it's what's inside.

Ugh, boy, I'm glad
that's not really true.

Oh, uh, Jeff, I got a flyer for
a new gym. First week's free.

Jen's busy today.
You wanna come with me?

Do you still air-dry
after you shower?

Yeah.

Do you still think
that's an appropriate time to stretch?

Yeah.

Then no.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

Oh, Simran, so lovely to see you.

Do you have a minute to talk
about ideas for Mom's birthday gift?

Yes, give me a sec.

I need to go get a bendy straw
for my boss' chocolate milk.

He's not tall. It's hard for him
to get on top of a straight straw.

[SNEEZES]

SIMRAN:
God bless you.

Oh, hello.

Hello.

[CHUCKLES]

-Oh, no.
RUSSELL: Ha, ha.

I found your porn site, Timmy.

Take your top off.

No, no, no, get away.

No, this is one of those sites
where you can tell them what to do.

Take your top off.

Sir, that's my sister.

Oh, kinky Timmy,
whatever you're into.

Take your top off.

You must be Mr. Dunbar.

Oh, you've heard of me. Ha, ha.

Lovely to make your acquaintance.
Now, about that top-- Ow!

Goodbye, Simran.

Sir, that's literally my sister.

And for your information,
she's an associate in a law firm.

So the sex work's just a hobby?

She is not a sex worker.

And you can forget
that you ever saw her.

Oh, jeez, relax,
she's halfway around the world.

Yes, she is.

And I forbid you to have any contact
with her again.

Forbid?

-What am I, a child?
-Of course you're not.

By the way, here's your
chocolate milk and bendy straw.

Yay.

-I'll eat anywhere. You choose.
-Really?

You're just gonna say no
to everything until I say sushi.

Oh, yeah. Sushi it is.

Hey, Todd.

Oh, hi, Audrey. Nice to see you.

And, hey, Jeff, look at my tie.
Mets colors.

You know,
because we both like the Mets.

-If you don't like it, I'll take it off.
-No, it's fine.

Fine, just calm down.

-Can do.
-So how have you been?

Divorced is how I've been.

Finalized last week.

Oh, I'm so sorry.

I used to split sandwiches
with Molly.

Now I don't know what to do
with the other half.

Problem solved.

Uh, hey,
you know what would be nice?

You want the other half?
Because he'll give it to me.

No.

How about if we set up Todd
with Liz?

Has he not been through enough?

Come on,
this would be a nice thing to do.

And if you're on board, he'll do it.

He idolizes you for some reason.

Oh, for many reasons, Audrey,
all valid, but I don't know.

I'm not seeing what's in it for me.

Uh, how about this?

Uh, Liz will have someone
to spend her time with...

...so she won't always be
coming down to--

Hey, Todd,
Audrey's got a gal for you.

Oh, I don't know if I'm ready yet.
Heh.

Oh, come on,
it's time to get back on the horse.

In this case, quite literally.

Welcome to Andy's Gym.
Can I help you?

Oh, uh, I got your flyer...

...but I think I misunderstood
what kind of gym this was.

So, heh....

[KIDS CHATTERING
AND LAUGHING]

-Hey, is that a trampoline?
-Uh-huh.

[CHUCKLES]

Woo! Woo!

Anyway, I was thinking
that for Mom's birthday...

...she might like
this jade necklace.

Oh, that's perfect for her.
Classic Varsha.

You're so different
from what Timmy described.

What did he say about me
exactly?

That you were tiny, selfish,
perverted, old and lazy.

Whoa, whoa, whoa,
he said I was tiny?

Why would he say that?
I'm actually a pretty big guy.

Oh, really?
It's so hard to tell on these things.

I know.

Yeah, let me think about that...

...while I drink from this
completely normal-sized coffee cup.

Mm.

Ooh, I think I might dunk in
a full-sized doughnut while I'm at it.

Yeah.

Oh, I wish Varsha was here.

-Hey, Liz. Thanks for coming down.
-Sure.

So did you guys read
that Kama Sutra book I gave you?

I dog-eared some pages
I thought you and Jeff might like.

Hi, Jeff.

Uh, no. Actually, we were wondering
if you are free tonight.

Jeff and I have someone
we'd like to set you up with.

You wanna set me up?

Who's the lucky fellow?

I don't know, but, uh, the guy
we're setting you up with is Todd.

He's nice.
I think you're really gonna like him.

-What does he do?
-He works in finance with Jeff.

-What does he look like?
-Seriously?

He's very cute. Good-looking guy.

Well, what celebrity
do people say he looks like?

What's going on here?

People tell me I look
like Cameron Diaz...

...or Reese Witherspoon.

Well, those people would say
that Todd looks like Tom Cruise.

Does that mean he's short?

All right, I'm out.

Listen, Liz, let's not overthink this,
okay?

Just dive in, take a chance.

Okay, I will. Let's make it a date.

There you go. This will be fun.

Well, not for the gal
that does my waxing.

Let's just say
I've let the yard go a bit.

[JEFF GROANS NEARBY]

[KIDS LAUGHING]

ADAM:
Woo-hoo!

[KIDS CHATTERING
AND LAUGHING]

ADAM:
Come on. Come on.

[YELLS]

[ADAM LAUGHS]

[KIDS SCREAM]

[YELLS]

SIMRAN:
Hello, Russell?

Oh, I didn't see you there.

You called me.

Oh, did I?

Anyway, I'm just so wrapped up
in 20th Century Philosophers.

I'm smart.

What is that award behind you?

Oh, I didn't mean
for you to see that old thing.

I didn't know
you were such a humanitarian.

Well, I think there's quite a few things
Timmy didn't tell you about me.

That's not surprising.

He's always been very
overprotective of me.

-It's really annoying.
-Hmm.

Oh, let me ponder that
while I scratch my back.

Ah, I got a little bite back there.
Ah. Yeah.

I didn't realize
you were so muscular.

Oh, I try to keep fit.

And I love your tattoo.

Oh, yeah, my ink.

And what is it of?

Ah. Well, uh, looks like a dragon...

...and then there's some symbols
from China and, uh....

You know, I really made a mess
of myself, didn't I? Heh.

Uh, but maybe
when Todd gets here...

...maybe don't talk about your cats
so much.

-You know, guys like a little mystery.
-Oh, okay, let him wonder:

"How many cats
does this sexy gal have?"

[MELLOW MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

Heh, yeah.

And, uh, maybe don't talk so much
about digestion stuff.

Another mystery. Let him wonder:

"Hey, is this sexy gal regular?"

Exactly. Yeah, let him wonder.
Oh, there they come.

Liz, this is Todd.

Hey, it's my fault we're late.

I've got a nervous stomach...

...and my cat spilled
my milk of magnesia.

[SPEAKS IN FRENCH]

It's nice to meet you, Liz.

Sorry my hands are so sweaty.

Oh, no need to apologize.

I get that with my feet.

You're so funny, Russell.

I know. Rarely do you see that
in a Wimbledon champ.

Aha.

-Timmy.
-So this is why you sent me out...

...for fun-size candy bars
and baby carrots.

Simran. Simran, are you all right?
Did he hurt you?

No, I'm fine.

I'm just having fun talking to Russell.
He's not at all the monster...

-...you've made him out to be.
-Thank you.

Is that what he tricked you
into believing?

Well, hmm, let's take
a look around then, shall we?

Look.

He's literally sitting
on a phone book.

It helps my back.

And speaking of books...

...let me select one of these
fine tomes of literature.

Hey, who glued my tomes
together?

And Javier from Shipping,
what's your role in this grim charade?

Oh, uh, I'm his arms.

What's up, Simran?

You see, he is a liar who is trying
to take advantage of you.

And that is what I've been
protecting you from.

Timmy, I'm a full-grown adult
who is capable of making--

No, I'm sorry,
but this is for your own good.

I'm too angry to talk to you right now,
but believe me, this is not over.

All right, Javier...

...I'm gonna pay you full price even
though we didn't get to the part...

...where you drop trou
and show her my junk.

That wine was fantastic.

It hardly irritated my stomach lining
at all.

Um, Todd,
I don't know if you'd be interested...

...but I'm going to a wine tasting
tomorrow.

-You wanna come?
-I'd love to.

Rosacea be damned.

[CHUCKLES]

Oh, a wine tasting.
Isn't that great, Jeff?

I'd be drinking if I were him.

Oh, I need to pop
into the ladies room first.

Oh, I'll join you.

I think that soup was cream-based.
Yikes.

-Boy, she is really something, huh?
-Yeah, she is.

You're going away above
and beyond, buddy.

You didn't have to agree
to that wine tasting.

-Why wouldn't I?
-We pushed you into this date.

It's nice
that you're pretending to like her.

I didn't think I was pretending.

Oh.

Is there a reason
I shouldn't like her?

No, no.

She's great.

-Are you sure?
-Yeah, she's great.

I mean, she's got all those,
uh, cats...

...she cleaned her plate there.

Let's--
Let's have another bottle of wine.

-Hey.
-Hey.

-How was the gym?
-Oh, it was a good workout.

Good snacks.

Great. Well, maybe I'll come with you
tomorrow.

Oh, um....

You know, I don't think it's for you.

No, it was pretty hardcore.

Another guy and I
wanted to use same equipment...

...and he literally threw a tantrum.

Really?

Yeah. The dude got a time out.

What a doody head.

Come on,
just say it one more time.

Okay.
Todd and Liz make a good match.

They can get married and have
a bunch of weird, gassy kids.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

Come on, admit it.

It feels good to do something nice
for someone, right?

Yes, it does.

And now there's something nice
that I'd like to give you.

What's that?

The gift of hammer time.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

-See? I combined them.
-Hmm.

Okay. All right.
You behaved yourself.

I guess you deserve a little, uh....

[PHONE RINGS]

AUDREY [ON RECORDING]: We're
not in. Please leave a message.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

LIZ [ON MACHINE]: Audrey, it's me.
Something went wrong.

When I got home, Todd called
and cancelled the wine tasting.

Sounded like he was giving me
the brush-off.

Call to discuss.

[MACHINE BEEPS]

Everything was going so well.

Did something weird happen
when Liz and I were in the restroom?

Probably, I mean,
she had that cream-based soup.

You know what I mean.

Todd asked me
what I thought of Liz.

I used all positive words...

...but who knows
what my face was doing.

Why did you have to do that?

You--

Fix it.

I will. Right after we, uh....

[DOOR CLOSES]

Or before.

[COMPUTER CHIMES]

Simran.

What are you doing?

SIMRAN:
I had to ask...

...why did you go ahead and do
all those things to try to fool me?

Uh, I just didn't want you to believe
all that stuff Timmy said.

I wanted to impress you
because you're this exotic girl...

...who lives halfway
around the world.

I get that.

I kind of misled you too
about something.

You're not a dude, are you?

Oh, I can't go through that again.

No.

It's-- It's this.

Whoa.
India looks a lot like America.

I'm in Chicago.

Timmy forbade me
from telling you.

He said he was nervous about us
being on the same continent.

Oh, now, did he?

Well, he sh--

What are you doing
on your computer?

-Heh. Nothing.
SIMRAN: Uh-- Uh-- Uh-- Oh.

Oh, yeah. Oh, that's it, baby.

Ooh.

-I'm watching porn. Filthy, dirty porn.
SIMRAN: Yeah.

-Do you wanna take a look?
-No, no, I don't need to see that.

-Are you sure?
-Yes.

-No, you might like it.
-It's all right.

[WHISPERS]
Is he gone yet?

[WHISPERS]
No, keep going.

-Hi, can I help you?
-Uh, I'm not sure.

-Is this Andy's Gym?
-Yes.

Oh, I got an emergency call
about my fiancé.

Oh, you must be here for Adam.

He got stuck.

[KIDS SHOUTING
AND LAUGHING]

Which one is yours?

I'd rather not say.

-There's the big guy.
-Hey, Todd.

-I wanna talk to you.
-I wanna talk to you...

...and thank you
for putting the brakes on me with Liz.

No, no, no, that's the thing.
I didn't mean to do that.

Oh, come on, Jeff, I know you.

I mean, I study you.

The things you say,
the way you move. Heh.

I got your message.

I don't think that you did.
See, what I was trying to say...

...was that, uh,
Liz is a special lady.

I think you two would hit it off.

I'm confused. It seems
like you're hiding something.

I mean, your words are saying
one thing, but your body--

Stop looking at my body, Todd.

Listen to my words.
I was hiding something.

And, uh, here it is.

Uh, from, uh, what I understand...

...Liz is an animal in the sack.

She's what?

Please don't make me say it again.

Well, you fixed it.

Liz was in a great mood
when I talked to her.

We have one very happy
upstairs neighbor.

So my choice not to be wearing
any sort of pants at all right now...

...was a good one?

Well, it'll make this go
that much quicker.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

[MOANING NEARBY]

LIZ:
Oh, yeah.

-Oh, lower, lower, lower.
TODD: Mm-hm.

LIZ: Aah. Oh, yes.
TODD: Ha, ha.

LIZ:
Oh, that's right.

[LIZ GRUNTS]

LIZ: Ow.
TODD: Ow, sorry.

-We're done here, right?
-Oh, yeah.

And, uh, I do understand
you're an adult...

...so, uh, I'll stop trying so hard
to protect you.

Thank you, Timmy.

And I do know your heart
is always in the right place.

Good. Good, I'm glad we talked.
Uh, this makes me very happy.

It makes me happy too.

It makes me happy too.

Yes, my friend Russell
came to Chicago to visit.

We're about to go out
and see the sights.

-Let's go.
-Okay.

Why don't you throw on a skirt?

We'll find out
if this is really the Windy City.

[RUSSELL & SIMRAN CHUCKLE]

SIMRAN: Russell....
RUSSELL: I'm just kidding.

[WHISPERS]
I'm not kidding.

No!