Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 14 - Uh-Oh It's Magic - full transcript

When Russell takes his date to a magic show, the magician makes her disappear. Meanwhile, Audrey unknowingly slips up when she tells Brenda's girlfriend about the baby.

[♪♪♪]

Hey, I'm, uh, gonna go out
for a couple of cold ones after work.

Is this a sex warning,
or what are we doing here?

Well, it wasn't,
but now that it's on the table....

I should drink too?

I'm just saying,
I'm meeting up with Brenda later.

Oh, Brenda, our surrogate?

You mean the only Brenda
that both of us have ever known?
Yeah, that one.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

You know what would be fun?

Yes, the opposite
of whatever you're about to propose.



If I came out with you and Brenda.

So I was right.

Only instead of a bar,
let's go to a nice restaurant.

-But we already--
-And tell Brenda
to bring her girlfriend.

-Maybe she doesn't wanna--
-This is perfect, double date, great.

Wow, that, uh, got away from me fast.

Look, uh, you know I love you, right?

-Sure?
-Here's the thing.

Brenda's my softball buddy,
she and I, we hang out.

Exactly. But she's gonna
be carrying our child.

You guys have your softball
and your sports and--

Our mutual fondness for a nice rack.

If you're waiting
for me to add "of lamb"...

...it's gonna be a long night.



You have a relationship with her.
I want one too.

I understand that.
I'm just saying, let's not force it.

-How am I forcing it?
-By insisting on joining us...

...and changing where we're going
and making Brenda bring her girlfriend.

That's all you got?

[CHUCKLES]

So you guys are double dating
with a couple of lesbians?

Three women,
zero chance of getting any.

If I can't carry our child, at least
I can bond with the woman who will.

Gross.

If you wanna bond with Brenda,
why don't you go out to lunch with her
or offer to caddy for her?

-Oh, does she play golf?
-Most of them do.

Morning, sir. At the risk
of being a Nagging Nelly...

...you still haven't completed
my work evaluation
I gave you three weeks ago.

Whoa Nelly, first things first.

These grapes
aren't gonna peel themselves.

Come on, set them free.

All you need do
is complete a simple form...

...so I can get
the three-percent raise...

...I deserve possibly more than
any other person on this planet.

I'll have you know
you're witnessing rock bottom.

[IMITATES BIRD CAWING]

Mm.

Squishy. Better.

I'll get to your stupid evaluation.

But I've been quite busy
hanging out with Jessica, hmm.

Who's this Jessica? Is it serious...

...or is she just using you
to get into R-rated movies?

[LAUGHING]

She is a full grown adult.
And she even has a son. Oh.

You're dating someone with a child?

Oh, yeah, I know what
you're thinking, but don't worry...

...C-section.

That's not what I was thinking.

Who else but you would think that?

Hey, did you get
those tickets for tonight?

Yes, sir.
Two for the Criss Angel magic show.
Front row, center.

All right, great,
she's so into this Mindfreak guy.

But I'm gonna keep my eyes closed
for most of the show
so my mind does not get freaked.

But then hers will
and that's when I make me move.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

There's no way that'll work.

Never underestimate
the power of suggestion.

Take your top off.

Is she doing it?

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared ♪

♪ With you by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

-Hey.
-Hey.

ADAM:
Hey.

-Who finally put that painting up?
-Oh, Joe, the new super.

-But I said I was gonna do it.
-You did say that.

And then the seasons changed.

-And then we had the Olympics.
-Okay, I get it.

-Hey, how are you?
-Hey, I'm good, what's going on?

I just finished building the dividers
in your drawers, Jen.

-Ah, thank you so much, Joe.
-I made that dividers in your drawers.

Yeah, out of cut up cereal boxes.

It was good enough for Rachael Ray,
but whatever.

Also, I got your new shower head.
I'll come back to install it tomorrow.

...I just kind of ran out of time
with everything you have
to do around here.

-Oh, tell me about it, it really piles up.
-Yeah.

[DOOR CLOSES]

Okay, look, you don't have to go
calling the super...

...every time you need something.

-Well, who else should I call?
-Hello?

Hi. Who else should I call?

Me. Look, honey, I don't want that guy
poking around in your drawers.

Honey, I love you, but, you know...

...Joe's the kind of guy
who can do manly stuff.

I do manly stuff all the time.

Babe, the other day you hit a squirrel
with your bicycle and then you cried.

[SIGHS]

It was just so unexpected.

[♪♪♪]

Oh.

-Hey.
-Bren, look at you, all pretty.

[CHUCKLES]

Thanks. When you changed tonight
from beer and nachos
to this place...

...I had to, you know, girl it up a bit.

And I had to stop
for beer and nachos.

[BREN CHUCKLES]

Nice.

So, uh, where's Audrey?

Considering it's 8:00
and we have 8:00 reservations...

...we can eliminate "here".

I'm sorry that, uh,
Audrey hijacked our hang.

But she's just,
you know, she's all...

...warm and fuzzy
about this surrogate thing.

I know, it's sweet,
and I am super pumped too.

But maybe we don't hit it
too hard tonight...

...you know, because I haven't
exactly told Becky
about the whole surrogate thing yet.

Seriously? Why not?

Hasn't come up.

Well, uh, how is it gonna come up?

How was your day?
Any people in you?

[CHUCKLES]

We're just a little bit new,
and I don't wanna freak her out.

What? What do you mean
she's having your baby?

Great. First time
Audrey's ever shown up on time.

[BRENDA SIGHS]

[♪♪♪]

So this is my office...

...this is my whole world here,
I own everything.

In fact...

...here's a ream of paper,
just for you, buddy. Go nuts.

Sir, I thought you'd left
for the evening.

-Oh, Timmy, you remember Jessica.
-Yes, indeed. Lovely to see you again.

-You too.
-And this is her son, Leland.

Oh, hello there, Leland,
nice to meet you.

You two seem to have hit it off.
We'll see you in four hours.

-Excuse me?
-Oh, I....

I told Jessica how you said...

...that you'd watch little Leland.

-That is so nice of you, Timmy.
-Yes, of course.

Please excuse us for a moment.

[DOOR OPENS]

Babysitting?
Like I have nothing better to do?

What's your big night tonight?
You're gonna go...

...crank the old sitar music
and charm the snake?

I definitely want to help you now.

Heh, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Come on,
buddy, this is my big night with Jessica.

I'm taking her to Criss Angel...

...but here's where
the real magic is gonna go down.

Are you sure it's not going to happen
in her wine glass
when she's not looking?

Sir, I do not have
any experience with children.

I'm going to be completely lost.

You told me
you were once an au pair.

I said I once had an au pair.
To which you said,
I should grow au pair.

[LAUGHS]

All right, I'll babysit for you
if you promise me...

...that tomorrow, you will complete
my performance evaluation.

-Ah, what's on my schedule tomorrow?
-Nothing.

I'll make time
because it's important.

[♪♪♪]

So when were you gonna
tell me about this baby?

You guys, I had no idea
she didn't know, I am so sorry.

-It's not your fault.
-Hold on, Audrey just apologized.
This is a special moment.

I know you're not great
at communicating...

...but this just takes it
to a whole new level.

Oh, come on, Becky,
I was gonna to tell you.

When? At baby's first birthday?

Which you will totally be invited to.

We want you both
to be super involved.

I don't even know you.

Becky, I don't think
that you're seeing the positives in this.

What positives?

-Well, I'm no doctor--
-Please don't finish that.

But when Brenda gets pregnant,
she's gonna get a lot bigger on top.

Okay, okay.

Look, I know that I should have
said something.

It's just I'm not good
at this stuff, you know, heh.

No kidding.

Becky. Becky.

Beck, wait.

It was a great idea
getting us all get together.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

This show is incredible.

I know, how are you
ever gonna thank me?

Whoa, there's a start.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

ANGEL:
Thank you very much, folks.

I gotta underscore the, uh, warning...

...for the young people
that are watching
and the drunk people...

...don't try this at home.

[CHUCKLES]

Don't worry, there's other stuff
we can try at home.

For the next demonstration...

...I actually need
a couple of volunteers to help me out.

Oh, we have a beautiful young lady,
right center.

Right front row, right over there.

I assume the gentleman with the tie
is your date?

Uh, actually, I am her date, sir.

I thought I was the magician.

I'm just teasing. Give them
a nice round of applause
as they make their way to the stage.

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Yes, come on.

Thank you very much.

[♪♪♪]

-Oh, honey, you did it.
-Oh, yeah. See?

-You don't need Joe when I'm around.
-Heh.

Is that the belt from my robe?

-What about it?
-Nothing.

-Okay, go ahead, turn it on.
-All right.

Ah.

-Look at that.
-Heh.

So perhaps you'd like
to take it for a little test drive with me.

Ooh, perhaps I would.

All right, I'll go get some towels
and then I'll meet you back in there.

Good, good.

[CHUCKLES]

[♪♪♪]

[THUDS]

[♪♪♪]

[ROCK MUSIC PLAYING
OVER SPEAKERS]

ANGEL: Now, Russell.
-Yeah?

I want you to see
that everything's completely fair.

As matter of fact, I want you to take it
a step further. Touch Jessica's hand.

Gladly, heh.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHS]

-Fair?
-Yeah. That's her.

All right. Jessica,
I want you to wave your hands for us.

I want you to pull them in.

Go!

[GRUNTS]

[RUSSELL LAUGHS]

Whoa.

Where'd she go?

I bet this isn't the first time
he's said that on a date.

[AUDIENCE LAUGHING]

Heh, well, first of all, I get a ton.

And secondly,
seriously, where is she, dude?

Give him a nice round of applause.
The little guy.

-Back to your seat.
-Come on, dude, single mom...

...out for the night, I got a sitter...

...help me out,
man to magician here?

Give him a nice round of applause.
Yes, thank you very much...

-...you were great.
-Oh, I get it.

When you make her re-appear,
don't worry about the under garments.

Okay, buddy. All right!

Give him a round of applause.

[♪♪♪]

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

[CLEARS THROAT]

-Hey, Audrey.
-Oh, hey, Brenda. How's it going?

Good, I just kind of felt like
talking to Jeff.

AUDREY:
Oh, okay.

-Did you get things worked out
with Becky?
-No, that's done. Game over.

Oh, my God, I'm so sorry.

Yeah, thanks. It's kind of
what I want to talk to Jeff about.

Jeff, uh....

He's terrible at comforting people.

I was upset when our cat died,
all he could say was:

"Adios, fuzzy crap factory."

I'm the one you want.
Come on, I got just what you need.

-Choose your weapon.
-I'm okay.

Hmm, you say that, when you see me
eating this, you are gonna want some.

AUDREY:
Mm.

Really old, ugh.

Okay, you know what really helps?

-I found it helps to talk it out.
-Heh.

Hey.
What, uh, happened with your lady?

Hmm, pfft.

-Beer?
-Yeah.

We'll be back in a while.

[♪♪♪]

Thank you, New York City,
you've been a great audience.
Good night!

[AUDIENCE APPLAUDING]

Show's not over, people.

There's gotta be more
because my date...

...is still not here.

[♪♪♪]

Sorry, I got stuck
on the phone with my mom.

Hope you didn't get
too much of a head start.

Adam! Adam! Are you okay?

Joe, I need your help.

-Is Adam trying to fix something?
-Yes.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, my God!
Honey, are you all right?

Uh, yeah, yeah,
Joe took care of it.

I totally get it now.

-The water's running pretty bad
in there. Can you go grab my tools?
-Sure.

Thanks.

Your jaw line is fantastic.

[♪♪♪]

Thanks for taking me out.
It was just what I needed.

Anytime.
And don't worry about Becky.

Someone else will come along
and make you forget all about her.

-Sort of hard to picture.
-Mm-hm.

I can kind of see it now.

[♪♪♪]

[WOMAN CHUCKLING]

-Hey. What's up, man?
-Hey, Mr. Angel, uh, guy from crowd.

Um, listen, uh, firstly, great show,
my mind was sufficiently freaked.

That was good.
And, uh, secondly, where's my date?

Where is she? Or where isn't she?

Hmm, the first one.

Oh, Jessica. There she is, I see her.

Or do you not?

[SCOFFS]

Well, it's not really magic.
You just closed the door.

Or did I open your mind?

Oh, my God.
I can't have a conversation.

Listen, uh, can we just
get Jessica out here?

I'm on my own schedule
to make something disappear.

How do you expect
to hang out with a beautiful girl...

...with a thread
hanging from your shirt?

Oh, I didn't even see that, heh.
Okay, well, it's a long one.

All right, well, thank you
for grabbing.... Oh, don't eat it.

Oh.

Oh, you're chewing a thread.
Oh, how does he do it, folks?

Ahh.

Oh.

Oh, gross. Oh, disgusting.

Okay, you know what?
You can keep the thread and the girl.

You don't want the thread?

[♪♪♪]

Hey, guys. What's going on?

-Nothing.
-Jets by four.

AUDREY:
Okay. Um....

I'm gonna head out, so, uh, I'll be out
of your hair in a second.

-Hey, Bren?
-Yep?

-You wanna do the old lady a solid?
-Ugh.

I haven't been
with a straight girl since college,
and trust me, it doesn't go well.

Heh, no. No, no-- Wait.

No.

Okay, what?

Since you're gonna
be having our kid all up in there...

...Audrey got all excited
about you two bonding.

So give her something. You know,
pretend like you like to hang with her.

-Heh, I do like hanging out with her.
-There you go.

-Jeff, I really do like--
-No, no-- Not me.

Go sell it to her.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay.

-Hey.
-Oh, hey.

-You guys need some more food?
-No, no, we're good.

So, um, where are you off to?

Oh, Bloomingdale's.
I love their shoe department.

Oh, yeah. Me too.
Uh, their men's shoe department.

[CHUCKLES]

Isn't there
that new Spanish place by there?

Yes. I took Jeff there.

-Oh, yeah? Did he like it?
-No.

He, uh, misheard me
when I told him it was a Tapas bar.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah. That's how they got me there
the first time too.

[AUDREY CHUCKLES]

So, um, what do you say
we hit up Bloomingdale's...

...and then go grab
some cocktails and some dinner?

-Really?
-Yeah.

Yeah, I wanna drink
as much as possible...

-...before you and Jeff knock me up.
-Ha-ha-ha.

Getting drunk always helped
when Jeff was trying to do it to me.

[LAUGHS]

-I bet.
-Heh.

Yo, Audrey and I
are going to Bloomingdale's.

-Oh, that's great.
-Then I'm gonna take her
to that Tapas place nearby.

I gotta warn you,
you're in for a big disappointment.

-Hey.
-Yeah?

-Nice work.
-Heh.

Jeff, I really do like
hanging out with Audrey.

That's great, keep it up.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

-Good morning, sir.
RUSSELL: Not for me.

That dumb magician stole my date.

Oh, yes. when she called to check in...

...I did hear someone
in the background yelling "ta-da."

In any event, I do believe
you owe me one evaluation.

All right.

[GROANS]

-Oh, it's more than one page?
-Spotted the staple. Well done, sir.

I'm tired.

That one I should've seen coming.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]