Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 5, Episode 13 - The Home Stretch - full transcript

[♪♪♪]

Ah, morning. I was just looking over
our expense reports.

I found way to save hundreds of dollars.

Ah, you sound like that lizard
from the GEICO commercials.

-Ooh, a muffin.
-Ah, that's mine.

Not anymore. Mm.

No, no.

That's not blueberry. What kind of
flimflam are you trying to scam on me?

Yes, I certainly owe you an apology
for picking the wrong muffin...

...for you to steal, eat,
and regurgitate onto my desk.

More specifically, onto this
picture of my grandmother.



Oh, in my defense,
that dot was already there.

Well, I was talked into
the lemon poppy seed muffin by Beth...

...the comely new waitress
at the diner.

And what say we skip the clever fun
you'll have with the word comely.

Oh, wait, Beth,
that's the new waitress at our diner.

Yes. Oh, I really do feel
she and I have quite the rapport.

Ha, ha, ha. Whoa, whoa.

I've actually already met Beth.

We had a delightful connection.

She found me quite the gentleman,
and with any luck...

...soon she'll be the chief suspect
in the case of the missing salami.

TIMMY:
Hmm.

I guess the next time we're both
in the diner we'll just have to see
whom she prefers.

Me or the shrunken Mickey Rourke.



Yes, I guess we'll see.

Silly me.

I forgot I've got to take care
of some things in accounting.

Oh, of course.

It would seem as though
I've been silly as well...

...because I've left some papers
in the copy machine so....

RUSSELL: Pfft.
-Ah, unh!

Look at us,
we're just a couple of silly birds.

[RUSSELL YELPS]

[RUSSELL GROANS]

So everything shipshape
with the McCarthy account?

Yes. All up-to-date.

I should have
a full status report on you--

Excuse me.

[♪♪♪]

[ADAM CHUCKLES]

Hey, uh, where's Audrey?

She's got a Pilates session
with a trainer at our apartment.

-Really? Why at the apartment?
-Because we're billionaires.

Apparently, Audrey got tired
of going out to spend money...

...so now someone comes
to the apartment to take it.

She's not working
but at least she's keeping herself busy.

Who she's not keeping busy?

The lonely lighthouse keeper
who lives in my pants.

-You know, I've been there.
-Oh, yeah?

-You and Jen?
-Oh. Yeah, man.

A couple months ago we were
fighting a lot. We were down to...

...once a day.

Ow!

[RUSSELL AND TIMMY GRUNT]

What can I get you?

-Wait, this isn't Beth's section?
-We switched.

Uh, Timmy, didn't you wanna order
some of this?

Hey.

Hey, Russell, Timmy.

Oh, Beth, this is your section?

Hello there, Beth.
You're looking lovely as usual today.

Oh, you two.

Well, I'm going on my break
but Doreen will take care of you.

The hell she will.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S
"HOW MANY WAYS" PLAYING]

♪ How many ways
To say I love you ♪

♪ How many ways to say
That I'm not scared ♪

♪ When you're by my side
There is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪]

[DOOR CLOSES]

[ADAM EXHALES]

Uhn, check it out.

I was digging through
the back of my closet...

...and bam,
my old letterman jacket.

Oh, wow.

You know, I always liked
the idea of dating a jock.

Why wouldn't you?
We're sexy as all get out.

[JENNIFER CHUCKLES]

-What's this pin right here?
-Oh, that's a megaphone.

A megaphone? Why?

You know, for cheerleading.

Oh, because you had
a cheerleader girlfriend.

No.

I made the squad. She didn't.

That's why we broke up, you know.

Hold on, there was, heh,
a lot of information there.

You're saying that you were
on a cheerleading squad?

Yes.

-But you were a football player.
-No.

But you said you
never missed a game.

I didn't.

But you said your bad knee...

-...was a football injury.
-It was.

Honey, a couple players
tumbled out of bounds...

...and knocked over our pyramid.

God.

Oh, God. What...?

You said that without you,
your team wouldn't have won state.

Well, that I firmly believe.

-Wait a minute. What's this?
-A note saying this is all a bad joke?

Oh, man, this is my old cheat sheet.

I could never remember
how to spell aggressive.

[♪♪♪]

Ah, nice timing. I just finished
my session and I feel great.

Oh, good,
then it's worth the 80 bucks.

Heh, eighty? You're adorable.

Anyway, I found this flier
by the mailbox.

Uh, fifty percent off,
all workout clothes.

Oh, yeah? Is that how
you like my workout clothes?

Fifty percent off?

[CHUCKLES]

If you smear the ink,
they won't honor it.

Oops, I did smear it.
I've been a bad, bad girl.

What's going on here?

Nothing here, but, uh, maybe
something'll happen in the bedroom.

Down that way, to the left,
I remember.

Heh, come on.
Let's get in there and do it.

Now, see, I'm getting
somewhat of a sex vibe.

It's been a while, I may be wrong.

You are not wrong.

The drought is over.

Oh, cleansing rain.

[♪♪♪]

The moment I entered the apartment
to the moment we're doing it...

...a minute and a half.

And then, uh, another minute and half
till the awkward apology?

More or less. It's been a while.

I was against
this whole Pilates scam, but, eh...

...I'm good with anything that puts
Audrey between me and the mattress.

That's actually more romantic
than Mr. Dunbar...

...who recently bragged of having
put a woman between him and desk.

-You forgot one little detail.
-It was your desk.

The chick had muffin crumbs
all over her back.

You got to stay on this Pilates thing.
It seems like it's the golden goose.

It must make her
feel better about herself...

...and more receptive
to your inelegant advances.

I don't care what it does
as long as I'm banging the goose.

Wow, Timmy, Russell,
you guys are still here?

You two are becoming
my best customers.

What a nice thing to say about me
and someone who's old enough
to be your father.

You must really love the food here.

You know, Beth,
I do find it quite excellent.

Ah, then what do you suppose
gave you that raging diarrhea?

Can I bring you a bowl of rice
or something?

Please.

Well, I see the campaign
has gone negative.

-Will you please take it off?
-No.

No, I wanna show it to the guys.

I'm from the future. I've come
to tell you it does not go well.

-Hey.
-Hey, what's up?

TIMMY: Hello.
-Whoa. Nice jacket.

What time is Jughead
expecting you at the malt shop?

Good one, Russell.
What's the soup for today?

All right, hold on now. He can't wear
his high school football jacket...

...and not have us
work him over a little.

-Actually--
-Uh--

This is your last off-ramp,
please take it.

It's not a football jacket.
It's from when I was a cheerleader.

-Let's do this.
RUSSELL: Mm-hm.

-We've gotta go.
-Stop. Honey, don't worry.

I know you guys need to have your fun,
So go ahead, give it to me.

I can take everything you've got.

Which is what you said
to the guys on the football team.

He's implying rough boys
had their way with you, delightful.

Heh.
Please tell me you used pompoms.

-We didn't.
-Thank God.

-We called them spirit balls.
-Oh.

Anyway, hey, guys, look,
I had a blast, man.

I even hooked up
with a couple girls on the squad.

To do what,
fix each other's makeup?

No, no. To hook up.

And if there was
the occasional moisturizing...

...well, shame on me
for wanting to take care of my skin.

-Why isn't this any fun?
-Because he's not suffering.

-He does seem rather at ease.
-There's nothing to be ashamed of.

-Maybe we shouldn't bother.
-Wait, wait, wait.

Look at Jen.

What?

Ah, the pack has located
the weakest gazelle.

So Jen, does Adam
ever give you any dirty talk...

...through his megaphone?

-Please, let me go!
-Hey, be strong, honey!

Okay, fine. I'm just gonna hide
under the table.

Oh, good thing I'm not the quarterback
or Adam would beat you down there.

[♪♪♪]

[AUDREY MOANS]

Hey.

Hey.

AUDREY:
Unh. We were just finishing up. Ah.

You must be Jeff. I'm Terry.

Okay.

Hey, listen, my purse is in
the other room. Can you pay Terry?

And give him a little extra.
He's really good.

[TERRY CHUCKLES]

All right, yeah.

-There you go.
-Thanks.

-You're fired.
-What?

You're fired. Get out.

[♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪]

You fired Terry?
What is wrong with you?

No other guy's gonna be rubbing you
and bending you. Not while I'm alive.

And then not for a year
after I'm dead.

I want you to sign something
that says that.

-Have you lost your mind?
-No, the question is, have you?

Why didn't you tell me
that Terry was a guy?

What does it matter?

And why would you assume
Terry's a woman?

I hear Pilates instructor, I think lady.

It's a lady job, like nurse,
kindergarten teacher...

...and until recently, cheerleader.

Oh, my....
Why is this even an issue?

You've never been jealous.

Hell, we go to a bar,
you want me to look single...

...so someone else
will buy my drinks.

That's different.
But you know what, ugh....

I guess I know now why you were all
revved up when I got home yesterday.

Oh, Terry is not
why I was in the mood.

You didn't get all hot when that lady
with the mustache came...

...and organized our closets.

I am not having this conversation
with you anymore.

Can you honestly say
that when we were doing it...

...there wasn't a second
where you were thinking about him?

Oh, aha, no further questions.

Okay, fine.

Can I swear he didn't flash
into my head for one second? No.

But can you swear you've never
thought about someone...

...on your list of favorites, huh?

Christina Aguilera, Jessica Alba,
Jennifer Aniston.

-Okay, you've made--
-No, no. Wait, wait. I'm still on the A's.

You're the one who's
always saying, it doesn't matter
where you get your appetite...

-...as long as you have dinner at home.
-That's only for guys.

What do your ears hear
when you talk, huh?

Okay, look,
I don't know any of those women...

...and they certainly don't have
their hands all over me
right before we do it.

I can't believe you fired Terry.

You know what, when I wanna hear
an idiot talk, I'll come back out.

I'm going to the bedroom.

Okay, now, you're saying bedroom...

...but I'm not really
getting a sex vibe.

But I am willing to, uh....

[DOOR SLAMS]

Jessica Alba would never toy
with me like that.

[♪♪♪]

It's just the way I speak.

-Schedule, aluminium, sandwich.
-Heh.

Well, that one's pretty much
the same.

You're funny.

-What was that all about?
-Oh, guess who couldn't stop...

...going on about someone's
charming accent.

I knew I shouldn't have gone
to the bathroom.

Stupid free iced tea refills.

-More iced tea, Russell?
-Yes, please.

-Oh, hello, Mr. Bingham.
RUSSELL: Hey.

Hey there.
Do you know what you want?

Cheeseburger, fries. Thanks.

TIMMY:
Bye, Beth.

Cheerio.

Oh, God. Take it easy
with that, all right?

Don't kid yourself.
She'd never take you over me...

...unless she wants a curry slurpee.

You're right. If she foregoes
intelligence, refinement and charm...

...in favor of a withered sugar
granddaddy.

Ah, looks like the battle
of who gives a crap rages on.

What are you still doing here?
I thought Audrey had Pilates.

Shouldn't you be home
stuffing the goose?

Turns out Aud's
Pilates instructor, a dude.

What's the problem? He preheats
the oven and you put in the bird.

The issue is, doing it wise...

...she should be thinking
about me and nobody else.

Why? When I'm with chick, I don't care
if she's thinking of someone else.

Of course she is. Look at you.

It's your only hope.

I mean, after 15 years,
what do you want?

Hey, Jeff, you got
a new gray chest hair.

Let's do this.

At least I've got chest hair.
When I saw you...

...in the locker room last week
I thought you were Dakota Fanning.

Oh, you mean young and adorable?
I'll take it.

Wow.

Listen, everyone fantasizes
about someone better.

That's what better people are for.

I know, but the people that I fantasize
about I'm never gonna meet.

Unless, Halle Berry
returns your fan letters.

Audrey is--
She's fantasizing about some guy...

...who was just rubbing her
and groping her.

Here's your.... Oh, my gosh.
I am so sorry.

There's dressing on your pants.

Let me grab a wet rag.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Let's get her back here.

Oh, my God.

Beth, I spilled too. I need a....

[SPEAKING IN SPANISH]

No.

[JEFF AND TIMMY CHUCKLING]

RUSSELL: Thank you. Thank you.
-Heh.

Nice to see you, Manuel.
No, I'm fine.

[♪♪♪]

[JEFF SIGHS]

Hey.

If you're looking at Chippendales
dancers, Don't worry about it.

I can take it.

Yes, Jeff, because oiled gay men
in bow ties really get me going.

No, you'll be happy to know I'm looking
for a female Pilates instructor.

The way God intended.

I'm sure that God was okay
with guy Pilates instructors.

-So if it's good enough for him--
-Or her.

Don't push it, Audrey.

Look, I'm sorry that I, uh, overreacted.

-It's just the thought of some guy....
-Look, don't even say it.

When you know
you have nothing to worry about.

You're my man, period.

Heh, and in a way,
your insanity was flattering.

You're welcome. Besides, I'm better
looking than Terry anyway, aren't I?

Oh, come on, do I even have
to answer that question?

Seriously, please don't make me.

Here's an idea.
How about the next time we do it...

...let's have it be just us.

Hmm, you sure Penelope Cruz
won't feel left out?

I am not sure. But she can take care
of herself, which she's used to.

It's a pretty consistent part
of the fantasy.

Seriously, I'm gonna record you.

You should know
what you're putting out there.

Speaking of putting out.

-Uh-uh, try harder.
-All right.

Hey, pretty lady,
how about we try out that
no fantasy policy, right now?

Better.

I'm gonna make you forget all about
that Pilates loser.

Mm. I bet you will, my big, sexy man.

[♪♪♪]

Oh, my God,
have you guys been here all day?

We took an hour break
when Beth had lunch.

Yeah, she spotted us
at the park though.

If it comes up,
we're avid bird watchers.

This is insane. She's a waitress.
They're paid to be friendly.

Exactly.
That's what I keep telling him.

-I was talking to both of you.
-What? She likes me.

Really? Just like Roxie,
the lap dancer liked you.

Yes, she did. The only thing
that stood between us and
happiness was club policy.

Seriously, when are you guys
gonna stop kidding yourselves?

[RUSSELL AND TIMMY SIGH]

You know what, Mr. Dunbar,
perhaps, uh, we should admit...

...that Jennifer has a point.

Yeah, maybe she's right.
I don't think she's into either of us.
We should get out of here.

I don't know if you guys have room
but here's a muffin on the house.

Oh.

RUSSELL & TIMMY:
See? She gave me a muffin.

She gave it to me!

-Give it. My muffin.
-Give it. Mine.

RUSSELL: Give me.
-You're embarrassing!

Wait, wait, wait.

Something wonderful's happening.

Oh, God.

Oh, this can't be right.

No. No, stay here.

Hello.

I don't know if you all remember
but yesterday you had some fun...

...at my expense
and then at the expense of Jen.

But to show her that there
is nothing to be ashamed of...

...I decided to wear my colors
with pride.

Oh, well, that's good because you've
got that big parade coming up, I think.

Look, honey, I know you're doing this
to try and win me over.

There's just nothing good about this.
It's kind of lame.

I see.

-Well, I'm sorry you feel that way.
-Oh, no, my little sister's balloon.

Oh, that's really up there.
I'll see if we have a ladder.

Beth, that won't be necessary.
If I may?

[ADAM EXHALES]

Ready and up.

[CROWD APPLAUDING]

-You're like a superhero.
ADAM: No.

Just a simple cheerleader.
It's what we do.

JENNIFER:
You know what...

-...that was actually impressive.
-See?

There's nothing
to be embarrassed about.

-And way to have spirit, everybody.
JENNIFER: Okay, that's plenty.

[CHANTING]
We got spirit, yeah, yeah.

We got spirit, yeah, yeah.

We got what, what, what?
What, what, what?

We got spirit.

[WHOOPING]

[♪♪♪]

All right, everybody,
check this one out.

[CHANTING]
Let's go. We're pirates, not sailors.

But pirates, but pirates.

There's no need to remind us.
The football team's behind us.

[PEOPLE CHEERING]

Yeah.

My pants are falling off.

[♪♪♪]