Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 4, Episode 3 - Atlantic City - full transcript

I love these rolling suitcases.

It's like
I'm walking a dog

That's filled
with my underpants.

What are you doing?

Getting ready
for Aunt Judy's visit--

Putting out plenty
of ashtrays.

Good. Maybe this time
she won't use the carpet,

The plants, and the guacamole
that I was still eating.

And actually continued
to eat.

I can't believe
you're going to Atlantic City

And leaving me alone
with her all weekend.



It's a damn shame.

Hey, how about if I go
with you to the bachelor party?

I could jump out
of the cake.

Yes, because it's 1954,
and that's how we do it.

Come on,
Chuck's just a coworker.

Can you at least come back
early on Sunday morning?

Well, I wish I could,
but I can't miss Sunday brunch.

It's the highlight
of the bachelor weekend.

Really?

So then why not just skip
the steaks and the boobs

And just show up Sunday
for the highlight?

Audrey,
the steaks and the boobs

Are the foundation
upon which the brunch is built.

Don't feel bad.



There's no way
you could've known that.

Fine.
You owe me one.

In fact,
you owe me a lot of ones.

Oh, that reminds me,
I need to bring a lot of ones.

Hello?

No, Aunt Judy, it's, uh, Jeff.

You accidentally called
my phone.

Eh, look, it--it's okay.
I'll just tell her.

All right.
Bye-bye.

Uh, Aunt Judy
is not feeling her best,

So she just says to make sure

That you've got that kleenex
with the lotion

And, uh--

And something called

Metamucil extreme.

You gals have fun.

♪ how many ways
to say I love you? ♪

♪ how many ways to say
that I'm not scared? ♪

♪ with you by my side ♪

♪ there is no denying ♪

♪ I can't wait
for me and you ♪

♪ Rules of Engagement 4x03 ♪
Atlantic City
Original Air Date on March 15, 2010

Oh, Chuck,
there's the lucky bachelor.

Getting psyched
for the great weekend, huh?

Oh, oh-oh, oh.

Oh, don't worry.

I wasn't really
gonna hit you.

No. I-it's the wedding.
I-it's not happening.

Suzanne called it off.

Oh, my god.

Please tell me
this doesn't affect

The bachelor party.

You know, it's funny,

I-I spent my whole life
searching for my soul mate.

That is funny.

Sorry.
Um...

About the bachelor party...

When I met Suzanne,
I-I thought my search was over.

It just breaks your heart
when you discover

The person you love
doesn't love you back.

I feel like
you're not listening here.

So just like that,
a week before the wedding,

She dumps him.

Wait, so this guy's
not getting married?

Ah, I love a story
with a happy ending.

You know what I also love?
A happy ending.

Ha ha ha.
Oh, come on.

You really don't think
you'll ever get married?

Look, if I wanted sex
with strings attached,

I'd bang a marionette.

Well, there's a puppet show
you don't want the kids to see.

Well, either way,
I'm stuck at home

With Aud and old smokey,

Who's basically a chimney
with a wet cough.

You know, someone's really
not using their brain here.

Is it me?

No.
It's Jeff.

What?
What is it I'm missing?

Have you told Audrey
the bachelor party's canceled?

No, not yet.

Ah, genius.

Let's all go.

So you're just gonna lie
to Audrey?

A lie undiscovered
becomes a truth.

I, for one, would love
to see Atlantic City.

I've never before experienced
the thrill of gambling.

Well, I can't go. Jen and I
have movie night tonight.

And, you know, I'd really
hate to disappoint her.

Hey, I've been married
for 14 years.

Trust me, getting them used
to being disappointed

Is not a bad thing.

Okay, well, look, I mean,
jen loves movie night.

And besides, I don't want it
to be awkward.

I don't really know
Chuck, so...

Chuck's not even gonna be--

Ah!

Oh, my god.

You cannot believe
how happy I am.

My Aunt Judy
has a bacTerial infection.

Yay. Take that,
old lady who I don't know.

No, she had to cancel
her visit.

And since Jeff's in A.C.
all weekend,

I thought you and I could hit
the overnight spa.

I have a two-for-one voucher.

Oh, I am totally in.

All I had planned
was movie night with Adam,

And it's his turn to pick.

Uh-oh.
I know.

He says
he's gonna surprise me.

But come on,
we've all seen the billboard

For that talking-turtle movie.

all right.

So we'll leave
right after work,

And then we can avoid
the traff--

Chuck?

Hi. Uh, Audrey Bingham,
Jeff's wife.

Oh, hey, Audrey.

Shouldn't you be halfway
to Atlantic City by now?

Didn't Jeff tell you?
Suzanne called off the wedding.

Oh, my god.

What about the bachelor party?

That's all Jeff cared
about too.

What the hell is wrong
with you people?

So...
Jeff knew the party was off,

But he went anyway.
Really?

He thinks he's getting out
of a weekend with Aunt Judy.

So what are you gonna do?

Well, I have
an interesting hand here.

I have to figure out
how to play it

For maximum entertainment.

What would you do
if Adam tried to outsmart you?

Asked and answered.

Hey.
I'm in the bedroom.

You ready for movie night?

You are gonna be delightfully
surprised by my pick.

Yeah. It's a talking-turtle
movie, and I'm gonna pass.

Oh, honey,
but his shell is different,

And that makes him special.

Oh, my god.
Are you leaving me?

No. Audrey invited me
for a free spa weekend.

You're okay if I blow off
movie night, right?

whatevs.

All right,
I'll be back Sunday.

I'll call you.
Okay.

Mm.

Oh.

Oh. Oh!

Hey, Jeff,
it's Adam again.

I'm coming
to Atlantic City!

Another $100
in chips, please.

Hey, uh, there,
Ken from Tallahassee,

Uh, keep those 16s coming.

I want to be completely broke
in the next four secds.

Well, this is very exciting,
isn't it?

My first casino wager.

Now, where's my cheat sheet?
Wait, whoa, whoa, whoa.

I don't know if I want
the rookie at our table.

Yeah. Our luck's been
bad enough as it is, so...

Blackjack.
Hey.

And blackjack.
Whoa!

Hey, did you see that?

We both had our hands on tim,
and we both got blackjack.

Maybe the boy's good luck.

Yeah.
Well, I certainly hope so.

Chips, please.

Yeah, no chips for you
right now.

Listen, just stand there,
and let's test our theory.

Hit me.
21.

Ha ha.
Whoa. I'll stay.

Dealer busts.
Yeah, all right.

Yeah-ha-ha!
It works, dude!

Yeah!

I'll just go
to another table.

Ha-ah. Mr. Bingham,
you're hurting me.

Don't let
our lucky charm get away.

Ah. I am so happy
to be at a spa

With someone
who won't crack up

Every time he hears
the word "facial."

"facial."

Sorry.

Anyway, I'm gonna get
a hot-rock massage.

What about you?
Uh, yeah, yeah. In a bit.

First it's time
to implement phase one

Of operation
ruin Jeff's weekend.

Hey, Audrey, what's up?
Oh, nothing much.

Just, uh, wanted
to make sure everyone got

To the bachelor party okay.

Yeah, no, we all made it.

Uh, we're--we're making Chuck
wear a skirt.

It's hilarious. Hey, buddy,
your junk's hanging out!

You're cool.
You're cool.

Sounds fun.

Well, Aunt Judy's just relaxing
in front of the tv,

Trying to figure out
the remotes.

Hey, you know the rule--
no outsiders touch my remotes.

Oh, no, no, it's fine.

It's just--oh. Oh, no.
No, Aunt Judy.

Uh, I wouldn't fiddle
with that.

oh, no.

She erased everything.

Everything?

Uh, well, what about that movie
where Teri Hatcher

Goes topless
on the balcony?

Oh, Teri's gone, Jeff.

Damn it, Audrey!
How'd you let this happen?

I'm so sorry.
Got to go.

ha!

That'll teach him
to try to have fun.

Well, my entire
tivo collection was erased

By virginia not-so-slim.

Even Hatcher on the balcony?

I'm afraid so.

Oh.

Uh, hey, Aunt Judy.

No, it's Jeff again.

Ye--

What?
No, no, no, no.

That's okay.
I'll tell her.

You feel better.
Bye.

Hey.
Oh, my god.

Aunt Judy's not there.

She just called me by accident.
She canceled her visit.

Wait, why would Audrey
make all that stuff up?

Because she wants to make me
feel guilty for ditching her.

Oh!

Oh, she's good.

She is very good,
but she made one major mistake.

She married me.

Okay, I'm ready.
Oh, finally.

oh, that's Jeff.

Sorry. Hold on.

god.

Hey, hon.

You still upset
about your tivo?

No, and I want to make sure
that Aunt Judy

Doesn't feel bad about it.

Put her on.

Let me talk to her.

Hang on a minute.

Oh, my god.
He wants to talk to Aunt Judy.

Aunt Judy's not here.

Thanks, I was just about
to look under the bed.

Oh, sweetie,
now is not a good time.

She wasn't feeling well,
so she's sleeping.

Is she?

I'll try back a little later.
Sounds good.

Um, but, hey...

while I have you...

Why don't you put Chuck
on the phone?

What?

Yeah.

I'd like to congratulate
the groom-to-be.

Yeah. Sure. Okay.
Uh...

Oh, shucks,
he just got waylaid

By a cowgirl with tequila
in her holster, so...

Probably gonna be a while.

Oh, well...

I'll just keep trying.

That'll be fine.
We'll talk later.

Why would Audrey
want to talk to Chuck?

I don't feel good
about that.

You know why something bad
happened to you?

You took your hand
off of it.

At some point,

We should discuss "it"
having to pee.

Jeff hates Aunt Judy.

Why would he all of a sudden
want to talk to her?

I don't know, Audrey.

Why isn't some hot Brazilian
guy rubbing my ass?

All right, all right.
Easy there, not so rough.

Sir, I assure you
that part is vot lucky--

Not for you.

Are you even playing?

A little less
with the chatting

And a little more
with the not chatting.

I am not a rabbit's foot.
This is completely dehumanizing.

All right, it's getting upset!
Somebody get it a drink!

All right, you know what?
That is enough.

I'm--I'm completely--
dealer busts.

everyone's a winner.

Thanks, buddy.
Hey, this is for you.

Oh, thank you, really.
There you go.

Oh, thank you all.
This is--this is very kind.

Very well.

All right then,
ken from Tallahassee,

A little more dealing,
a little less not dealing.

Come on, you gonna bet?
Put a bet down.

I can't focus.

I'm not just gonna sit here

And wait for Audrey
to make the next move.

So I'm gonna go
on the offensive.

all right, we got
a, uh, open spot on timmy.

Who's it gonna be?
All right, there you go. Get in.

Oh, it's Jeff calling
for Aunt Judy again.

What do I do?

I don't know.

Continue to ruin
my spa experience.

She can't sleep forever.

Oh, you're gonna be
Aunt Judy.

What?
All right, you're 78.

You love jeopardy!
You're all backed up.

Get ready.

hello?

I just wanted to check in

And see if aunt jude's
awake now.

Can I talk to her?
Uh, let me check.

Aunt Judy, you want to talk
to Jeff?

oh, I don't think so

On account
of my achy belly.

You are Aunt Judy,
not Mrs. Doubtfire.

Aud, everything okay?

Dude, dude...
Uh, yeah.

Listen, you can't talk
to Aunt Judy, 'cause she's, uh--

I got to take her
to the hospital.

But don't feel bad.

I mean, just...

Enjoy Chuck's party
with Chuck.

How can I enjoy myself

Knowing that she's going
to the hospital?

Hey, how about I come home
right now?

I help you out
with Aunt Judy.

What?

Yeah, I'm, uh--I'm heading
to the train station.

all aboard!

Next stop, new york city!

I'm heading
to the train station.

Oh, god.
He wants to come home!

What do I do?

Oh, for god sakes,
just tell him the truth.

This is insane.

He's bluffing.

Audrey, something wrong?

All right,
I'm gonna call his bluff.

Her stomach is really bad.
You should come home.

What?

Yeah, to help me take her
to the hospital.

Well, now, if, uh, Aunt Judy
needs to see a doctor,

Then you're in luck,

Because Chuck's best man,
uh, Martin,

Is, uh, all the way here
from Macon, Georgia,

And he's a top
gastroenterologist.

So, uh,
just hold on for a sec.

Martin. Yeah.
You're on.

You just make sure
that Aunt Judy

Doesn't have to go
to the hospital.

Here he is.
Put her on.

hello?

well, hello, there, young lady.

This is Dr. Martin...
Pepper.

Hello, Dr. Pepper.

I hear you're having
some, uh, stomach miseries.

Oh, yes.
It--it hurts.

I see. I see.

Well, I seen a case
like yours a-once before

Down at Butcher Hollow.

Hey, Colonel Sanders,
you want to dial it down a bit?

I can't.

I say, I say,

Yeah, take some bismuth
and sodium bicarbonate,

And that should cure
what ails ya.

But whatever you do,

By all means
do not go to the hospital.

Thank you, doctor.

It's, uh, my pleasure.

Hey.

So I guess she doesn't have
to go to the hospital after all.

No sense in me rushing back.

No, no, no.
We--we'll manage for a while...

Based on the advice
of Chuck's best man,

Dr. Pepper.

Yes, that is what he told
Aunt Judy,

Who's visiting with you
as we speak.

Well, sounds like
we've both got a lot going on.

Yeah.
Talk to you later.

Liar.
Liar.

This is weird. Why would she
want me to come home?

She must know something.

well,
she didn't get it from my end.

I nailed it.

I'm gonna force her hand.
I'm going all-in.

Hello?
Hey, thought about it.

Coming home.
What?

Yeah, I'll be home
in three hours.

Well, that sounds great.
See you soon.

So you want me
to come home.

I do.
Fine. I will.

Super.
Give my best to Chuck.

Aunt Judy!

What happened?

I called his bluff,
and he didn't blink.

So what now?

Pack your crap.
I got to get home!

Really?
Thanks for inviting me.

We should totally do this
more often.

Whoo.

Hey, I'm home.
Welcome home.

Yeah. I'm all ready
to help out with Aunt Judy.

Oh.

Too late.
She just laid down.

Did she, now?

Just.

Ah, nice.

Well, darn it,
I should, uh, pop my head in

And see how
the old gal's feeling.

Mm.

She's better now.

No need.

Still, wouldn't feel right
if I didn't just peek in on her.

So that's
what I'm gonna do.

Wait.
Yes.

Is there something
that you wanted to tell me?

There is.

While you're peeking in
on Aunt Judy,

I'm, uh--
I'm gonna call Chuck...

To apologize
for pulling you away.

You know what?
I probably shouldn't wake her.

Yeah, I probably
shouldn't interrupt Chuck

In the middle of his party.

Funny how you know
Chuck's number

Off the top of your head.

Funny how you were standing
with a stomach doctor

Right when I needed one.

Okay, then,
I'm gonna go to bed.

Got to get up early
to take Aunt Judy

To the train station...

Which will all happen
before you wake up.

all deleted...

Nice touch.

well, from your description,

I'd say you could have
a "declavamacated" hip.

But I would be remiss
if I did not conduct

A more thorough examination
in my office,

Which at this point in time
is room 703.

Hey, buddy. There you are.
I made it!

Excuse me, kind stranger,
I'm with a patient.

Uh, but, Russell--

I said--I said go away, boy.
You bother me!