Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 3, Episode 9 - The Challenge - full transcript

After Jeff and Adam brag about all the sex they're still having, Russell challenges them to a contest.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Dopey, Grumpy.

Sleazy.

Sleazy wasn't a dwarf.

He is now.

Well, my height was just fine
for Miss Tiffany last night.

And it's official.

I've finally slept with
a woman from all 50 states.

Oh, wow. Really?
Was she, like, an Army brat?

No. Different women,
one from--

You know,
he just slows us down.



Well, 50 states, huh?

I guess America really
is the home of the brave.

You're just jealous
because you're married

and don't get any.

I get all the sex I want.

Why do you want so little?

Yeah, and you have
to jump through hoops

for the paltry amount
you do get.

Like letting Audrey buy
expensive jewels or clothing,

or listen to her flap
about her boring job.

[CHUCKLES]

You should be on my side.

You're more married
than single.

Yeah, but Jen and I
have sex all the time.



All the time?
All the time.

Same as when you first met?

Pretty-- Pretty much.

Ah.
"Pretty much."

That's how it all starts.

Yeah, add 10 pounds
to your head

and you're gonna be Jeff
in five years.

No, you are way off.

Mm, 20 pounds?

RUSSELL: Hey, Timmy.
Hey, gentlemen. Mr. Dunbar.

Here you go, sir.
As per your request,

I transferred your
old pornography to DVD.

All right. Good job.

You know what?
Take one home as a bonus.

Oh, thank you. You're
very kind, but I'll pass.

Well, I'm sure you're wondering
how my date went last night.

Yes, indeed. Who did the lady
think she was going home with?

Zack Thunder
or Danny Dakota?

I went with Danny Dakota.

You know,
the race car driver

who broke every bone
in his body.

Except one.

Wait, hold on. You pretended
to be somebody else?

Talk about jumping
through hoops.

You gotta invent a whole
new persona to get some.

No, no, no,
I don't have to.

I like to mix it up.
You know, keep it fresh.

At least I got some.

Yeah, well,
I can get it too.

Care to make this
more interesting?

Oh, you mean this could
get more interesting?

My God, what an exciting
time to be alive.

All right.

I propose a challenge.

Single guy
versus married guy.

Who can get it
whenever they want it.

Fine, let's say tonight.

Let's say tonight.

There's gotta be
some rules.

You're not allowed
to lie or pay for it.

Dude, you're tying
my hands a little bit.

And no tying their hands.

Well, I like when I--
All right, fine.

Oh, what about me?
I want in.

Why?
To prove I am not becoming you.

All right, fine,
you can play.

All right.
I'm the ringer.

RUSSELL:
Yes, we get it.

Your fiancée's a little easy
with the:

[SQUEAKING]

Those were sex noises, in case
you forgot what they sound like.

My Lord, that is funny.

Okay, Timmy, stick
with Russell tonight,

make sure he doesn't lie
to get sex.

Grand.

You can just say okay.
TIMMY: No.

You'll pay me a grand.

Fine, but you can't
tell Audrey

about the challenge
to get some.

Yeah, because if I told her
there was a sex bet,

she'd be on her back
in a heartbeat.

All right, let's meet
back here at midnight.

See who got the job done.
Or shall I say

who else
got the job done.

How much are we playing for?

Nothing.
Gentlemen's bet.

Hm, never before has an
adjective been less appropriate.

This is bigger than money.

This is to determine,
once an for all

what man is at his peak.

Single, engaged or dead.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, hon.
Hey.

I'd like some sex.

[LAUGHS]

W-Wait, you're not joking?

No, ma'am, I am not.

All right,
I'll tell you what.

Let's have some dinner and
then we'll fool around after.

After's not good.

Now is good.

Why?
Well, the longer we wait,

the more chance
I'll say or do something stupid

to ruin the mood.

Last week, we were
sharing that bottle of wine

but you were wearing those
pants that made you look-- See?

Right there.

Almost did it again.
Now is the time, Audrey.

Now is the time.

Why not?

Really? Awesome.

[CHUCKLES]

Mm, wait,
there's a problem.

Dinner will be ready
in 15 minutes.

Since when
is that a problem?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, look at me.

[CHUCKLES]

Not screwing it up,
not screwing it up...

Aah! Oh, God!

What? You've seen
it before.

Uh, there was a mouse!
I saw him run out the door.

Oh, well,
then we're good to go.

Oh, God!

I can't be romantic
when there's a mouse in here.

Who said it had to be romantic?

I'll take care of it.

Ugh.

There you go.

Oh, no!

You are not smashing a poor
little mouse with a bat.

Tennis racket?

Honey, you have to catch it
and set it free.

Why? So it'll come back
and grant me three wishes?

Forget it, Jeff.

Not with a mouse,
not in this house.

Would you,
could you, in the hall?

I'm gonna take care of it
but when I come back,

sex is on.
Fine, fine, fine.

Just-- Just go.
Go, go.

I'll get the big pot
from the kitchen.

Oh, no. I don't want
a mouse in my good pot.

Is there any worse
than that chili you made?

See?

This is why
we should've already done it.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hello?

JENNIFER:
I'm in the bedroom.

[CHUCKLES]

Yeah, you are.

This is gonna be too easy.

It's like having sex
with fish in a barrel.

Yeah.

What's going on?

I don't feel good at all.

You don't?

Honey, because you look hot.

I am hot.

My temperature is 102.

Mm.
[COUGHS]

Oh, You feel okay to me.

Wanna fool around?

No! I--

Everything hurts.
Don't touch me.

[JEN COUGHS]

Don't touch you?

But...

I'm the ringer.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, yeah.
This will be no troub.

I'll be home watching
Masterpiece Theatre in no time.

Sir, if I may.

Don't you get
a wee bit tired

of constantly
trying to score?

Isn't the goal to meet someone
to spend your life with?

[SCOFFS]

You've got
some weird ideas

banging around that coconut
of yours, Timmy, all right?

Try to stay focused.

Forgive me, sir,
I forgot I'm merely here

to monitor your sex bet.

[IN ROBOTIC VOICE]
"I forgot I'm merely here
to monitor your sex bet."

How are you not getting laid
with that accent, my man?

What about this one
right here?

Uh, looks drunk,
damaged, and braless.

A fastball down Broadway
for you, sir.

But remember, no lying.

No lying.
No lying.

Hi.

Hi. I'm Lacey.

I'm Danny Dakota.
Ah, damn it.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Well, I got him.
Oh, thank God.

You should've seen it.
It's pretty ugly close up.

Kinda like
your friend Liz.

Wow, take that, Liz.

He does not like
being cooped up.

Oh, God, just get it out--

Oh!
[SCREAMS]

What? What?

The mouse just
ran across my foot!

I thought it was in the box.

Wait, why were my shoes
in the...box?

Did you not catch him?
You were lying?

Only so you
would enjoy your sex.

Oh!

I'm not going to
enjoy any sex

in an apartment
full of vermin.

Okay, look, I promise
I will get him this time.

And then we'll have the
post-mouse-hunting love making.

Ew! Okay,
don't say love making.

That's almost
as disgusting as the mouse.

Okay, then it'll be
"wham, bam, thank you, ma'am."

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Okay.

Here we go.
Oh...

Oh, that feels nice.
Yeah?

Hey, maybe a little physical
activity would be good for you.

No, I'm too achy.

Oh, but honey,
you know what they say.

You starve a fever,

have sex with a cold.

Who says that?

People who know.
Just relax.

[GROANS]

Mm, you like that?

No, it's my head.

It feels like a giant bucket
of snot and phlegm.

Hey,
you know what might help?

You not saying stuff
like that.

Oh, I think I'm gonna puke.

Well, hurry back.

Okay, mouse.

Prepare to be outsmarted

by your intellectual superior.

Oh, yeah, gotta tie
this to the pencil.

[GASPS]

Ow!

What?

So sensitive. God!

Really, sir?

What?
You said to be honest.

So I did what you said.
It looked like it was a goiter.

Honest about yourself.

Ah.
Now, you can do this.

Let's give it another go.

[IN COCKNEY ACCENT]
All right, guvnor.

[CELL PHONE RINGING]

[NORMAL VOICE]
Oh, this is probably
dum-dum calling to brag.

What?
ADAM:Hey.

How's it going?
It's going amazing.

I'm seconds away
from closing the deal.

Hold on.

[UNZIPPING]

Hear that?

That the sound of my fly
being unzipped.

Give me a minute.
Hear that?

That's the girl that's
unzipping my fly.

I'm telling her
to just give me a minute.

By any chance,
is she, like, sick?

No, no. I haven't
slept with her yet.

How's it going with you?

The sex is gonna happen
any second now.

[JENNIFER RETCHES]

Oh, there she is.
She's calling me.

I guess I'll see you
in an hour and 44 minutes.

How long?

Oh, I had no idea we had
such little time left.

Oh, understandable,
sir.

Your watch is clear down

the other end
of your tentacle.

Ah, ah.

Don't get mouthy, Timmy.

It's time to get down
to beeswax.

Hey, there.
I like that coat.

Thank you. It's crushed velvet.
Oh, it is?

Well, is your name Velvet?
'Cause I have a crush.

[LAUGHS]

Ah, you've just been
charmed by Russell.

Sarah.
Sarah?

I'm in commercial real
estate. What do you do?

I'm a flight attendant.

Oh, that's interesting.
Where are you based?

Here in New York,
but this is the first time

I've been home for a while.
I've been doing trips to Asia.

Oh, that's a small world.

I was, uh, stationed in Asia

during my time
with the Peace Corps.

No, he wasn't.

Goodbye, Sarah.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

How come you used a Cheerio
instead of cheese?

Interesting story.

I ate all the cheese.

Oh, my God, there it is.
Oh, getin there.

Get in there.

It kind of
does look like Liz.

JEFF:
Get in there.

Go, go.
Yes!

Score!
I can't believe that worked!

I'm a genius.

I'll put him in
the garbage downstairs.

What? You can't
put him in the garbage.

You have to let him go
in the park.

At this time of night?
I'll get mugged.

I'll go with you.

We can't go out
into the world,

What if I get into a fight
with someone on the elevator?

Like that fat idiot on 9,
or that skinny jerk on 4?

Or sex will be
in jeopardy.

Boy, you really
want me tonight.

It's kind of a turn-on.
Yeah. Good.

Because that thing
you just said?

That's our foreplay.
Let's go.

Ah. Come on. Come on.
Relax.

There's no air holes
in this box.

Do you want Little Liz to die?
Come on, let's hit the stairs.

What--?

Oh, my God.

[JENNIFER MOANING]

[CHUCKLES]

Is that Jennifer?

There's no mouse in there.

Yeah, you should talk to her.

She's getting a reputation.

Are you feeling
any better?

No.
Damn it!

You're really upset
that I'm sick, aren't you?

Yeah, it's just terrible.
Look,

I've got
a lot of medicine here.

"Fast acting."

"Immediate relief."

"Time release"?

Why would I buy that?

I can't take these all together.
Why not?

Honey, it'll be a race

to see which one makes
you feel better first.

Let's just start with this one.

Oh, it says only two.
Oh, honey,

that's just
the recommended dosage.

These are very
loose guidelines.

Are you trying to kill me?

It's not all about you,
okay? Just take your medicine.

You feel better?

I just took them.

Oh, yeah.

[TV PLAYING INDISTINCTLY]

What about now?

No.
God!

What part of "fast acting"
doesn't your body understand?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Uh, who else can I hit on?
How about this girl over here?

You already told her
you were the musician Beck.

Oh, yeah.
God, that used to work.

That dude needs
another hit.

Who else do I look like?

Ellen.

You know,
maybe Jeff was right.

About what, sir?

I can't pick up women
without lying to them.

Sir, if I may.
Sure.

Ow!

You are Russell Dunbar.

You are an interesting,
successful man.

You need not lie,
for you already possess

all the necessary qualities
to coax a drunken woman

of questionable morals
into bed.

Really?
Are you just saying that?

No, I'm not, sir.
No, I'm not.

Now look over there.

She's alone, on her
third Cadillac margarita,

and a short while ago
I noticed her crying.

Now, you have 47 minutes
to make this happen.

Now get out there
and just be yourself.

Not bad, Timmy.
Thanks.

Well, sir,
I've come to see you

as not merely a boss,
but also a friend.

And friends are there
for one another.
Great.

Now I only have
46 minutes.

Hey, I'm Russell.

I couldn't help
but notice you over here.

I'm Deborah.

What do you do, Deborah?

I work with
at-risk teenagers.

That's a coincidence,
because, uh--

[SIGHS]

I've never helped
anybody in my whole life.

Wow.

That's honest.

Yeah, it is.

Actually kind of refreshing.

Really?
Yeah.

Well, I'm also one of the most
selfish people you'll ever meet.

You're so cute.

Oh, thanks.

You know, I have lifts
in my shoes

and I'm not ashamed
I look like Ellen.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

All right.

Go, mouse. Be free.
Go on. Get.

Oh, I miss him already.
Pull your pants down.

[LAUGHING]
Relax.

Let's just go home.

No, there's no time.

We have got to do it
right here, right now.

Why?
Because

we're in the park,
and together,

and the moon and the stars.
It's so romantic.

Come on, let's do it
in the dirt behind that tree.

[MOANS]

[LAUGHING]
You're crazy.

Yes, for you.
Let's go.

[LAUGHS]

JEFF:
Oh, yeah. Get you out of that.

[AUDREY LAUGHING]

What's going on back there?

Um...

Just give us a minute,
officer.

I don't think so.

I literally mean one minute.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Let me get my coat.

My apartment is
just around the corner.

She's taking me home.

I didn't have
to lie about anything.

Mm-hm, because you're good
enough just the way you are.

That's right.
No more lame facade.

To the real you.
Mm-hm.

Ow! God!

My tooth!

Are you all right, sir?

Oh, I don't know.

How does it look?

I'm back.

All right.

Oh, my God!

Um, I-- I--

I forgot, I have to go.

No, what? What?

Dude...

How much time I got left?

Not enough.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh. Oh.

I must have dozed off.

Wow, it's almost midnight.

Oh, look who suddenly
cares about the time.

You know what?

I think I feel
a little better.

Really?
Yeah.

Thanks to you for being so
sweet and taking care of me.

Anytime, baby.

You know that
I'm here for you.

[CHUCKLES]

[MOANS]

No! No night-night!
No night-night!

No!

And that, my friends,
is how this happened.

Wow, that was some rough sex.

Eh, I've had rougher.

All right, single guy's
on the board. Married guy?

Well, your story's
pretty hard to top.

But I'm about to do it.

Citation for public lewdness.

Audrey and I
did it in the park.

Lewdly.

Wow.

Married guy surprises us.
Ringer?

Okay, well...

When I walked in, I mean,
she was already in bed and hot.

Right? So I--

I mean, I-- I--

Oh, God,
I can't do this.

The truth is Jennifer is really
sick and I didn't get any.

Pretty lame, right?

I could've lied,
but you guys are my friends.

And friends
don't lie to each other.

All right, well...

I've got something to say.

You suck!
Ha-ha!

We did it
and you didn't.

How about this?

Laid, lewd, loser! Yeah!

Your fiancée is a slut
and you still didn't get any!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[PANTING]

That was great, Danny.

Well...

We Dakotas
are a passionate lot.

And you were so limber.

I can't believe you broke
every bone in your body.

Every bone except...

...one.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]