Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 6 - Old School Jeff - full transcript
While the women attend a wedding together, the guys go out to a bar to watch a fight, where "Old School Jeff" is unleashed onto his friends.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Good job, honey.
Dynamite duck.
Heh-heh. Thank you.
That would be
a great cartoon character.
Dynamite Duck.
"Quack, quack. Boom!"
Oh, hey, uh, I'm going down
to McDuffy's to watch
the big pay-per-view fight
Saturday night. You wanna go?
Absolutely.
All right.
Oh, aren't you
forgetting something?
I'm sure that I am.
I'm sure that
you're gonna tell me.
Saturday's the big wedding
for Susan,
head of my department?
Oh, yeah.
People I don't know
gettin' married.
How could that slip my mind?
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Getting dressed up,
meeting new people, dancing.
There's also the downside.
Getting dressed up,
meeting new people, dancing.
Our wedding is gonna be
just us, a few friends,
super casual,
on the beach.
No stupid dances.
Oh, wait, what about the--?
No chicken dance.
Whatever.
Susan loves Shakespeare,
so her fiancé
proposed to her at work,
dressed like Romeo.
It was so romantic.
That's romantic?
Prancing around in tights?
The guy made an ass
of himself.
You know, women like
when men are willing
to make asses
of themselves for them.
Let's see how his wife likes it
when he comes out of the closet.
You know what, babe?
You don't have to go.
I'd rather go alone than
have to pretend you're foreign
so you don't have to
talk to anyone.
That was working till
that damn busboy got chatty.
Since the guys
are going to the fight,
I'll go to
the wedding with you.
A little heads-up. If you
tell 'em you're from Guam,
don't refer to yourself
as "Guamish."
Yeah. He also referred to people
from Greece as "Greasers."
You know what?
Just to be clear, now,
if I don't go to the wedding,
you won't be mad?
No. Mm. Maybe a little
disappointed, but--
Well, you're always a little
disappointed in me.
So count me in.
All right.
JEFF:
This is gonna be great.
It's gonna be
an Old School Jeff night.
Hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh.
Oh, Old School Jeff.
Glad I won't be there.
Ew.
I got your plate, honey.
Thank you.
Hey.
Uh, why are you glad
you won't be there?
Oh, you'll find out.
Hm-hm. You're not on probation
for anything, are you?
Probation?
Uh, we're just having beers.
Ha-ha, yeah.
Well, with Jeff,
there's "having beers,"
and there's
[DEEP VOICE]
drinkin'.
He said it's gonna be
an "Old School Jeff" night,
and that, my friend,
means drinking.
Heh. Well, I can handle that.
I mean, I'm used to breaking up
fights when Jen drinks.
[LAUGHS]
She gets crazy,
which I find very hot.
Ah, then you're gonna be
super attracted to Jeff.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Yeah, so Audrey says when
he switches from beer to Scotch,
that's the signal
he's going old school.
You mean old school like,
back when people
used the term old school?
Yeah, exactly.
Back when they wore necklaces
like the one you've got on.
I wear this ironically.
Oh, it's pronounced
"moronically."
Anyway, once Jeff gets
a little Scotch in him
he'll want you to start to
dare him to do stupid things,
you know?
Like, "How much will you give me
to steal that cop's horse?"
Ha-ha. As much as
the ATM will give me.
But the real danger is when
he starts to get physical.
Like, uh, fighting,
wrestling, hugging.
That Jeff sounds
a lot more fun
than what we got stuck with.
Usually, it ends with
him doing something stupid,
which lands him and whoever
he's with in a holding cell.
Well, I'd love to be there
to watch all this,
but unfortunately,
I have a date.
Unfortunately for her.
If everything
goes as planned, yes.
Well, you're not gonna be
missing anything.
I'm gonna make sure
that Jeff doesn't drink so much
that he winds up in jail.
Why not?
I don't wanna
end up there with him.
I mean, look at me.
Inmates would be lining up
to get a piece of this.
Uh, not with that attitude,
they wouldn't.
Nobody likes
a stuck-up prison bitch.
They don't.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Boy, this is the exact opposite
of what Adam and I want.
It's so garish
and over the top and--
So much more magical
than I ever imagined.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, a simple wedding
could be magical too.
You're right.
Oh.
Just a few friends,
on the beach.
Oh, a Cupid ice sculpture with
vodka flowing out of the arrow.
Heh-heh-heh.
I'm gonna send Adam a picture,
see what he thinks.
See, you're admiring
the ice sculpture.
Jeff would be lying under it
with his mouth open.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Mm.
There's the bride.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
What a beautiful dress.
Yikes, back fat.
No wonder
her dad gave her away.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Did you record
what I just said?
And who are you?
I'm Back Fat's nephew.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, this is great.
The girls go to the wedding,
we come here,
everybody wins.
Heh. Yeah. You know, the groom
should be the only guy
who has to go to a wedding.
Now, let's do some
serious drinking.Yeah,
some seriously
responsible drinking. Huh?
Anyway, I can't wait
for the fight.
Nothing more manly
than a good slugfest.
["AFTERNOON DELIGHT"
PLAYING ON PHONE]
There's nothing less manly
than that.
Text message from Jen.
She downloaded these ringtones
for my phone.
Maybe she can download some
'nads to your pants.
Oh, uh, "Think we should have
this ice sculpture
at our wedding?"
What? I can't believe
she'd even ask.
I can't believe nobody's
sucking on that arrow.
I don't want a fancy wedding.
We agreed on the beach.
You're engaged,
replace "we agreed"
with "she decided."
You're welcome.
Okay, she goes to
one fancy reception
and now she's rethinking
our wedding?
Her wedding.
You'll catch on.
[BELL RINGS ON TV]
Fight's starting.
This is gonna be great.
MAN [ON TV]:
Fight scheduled for 12 rounds.
Fighters meet in-- Nice jab!
[CROWD GROANS]
And a hard right!
He's down.
He's down for the count.
I don't think
he's gonna get up.
It's over!
Get up!
Get up, you bum!
The fight is over.
They haven't even put out
the free Buffalo wings yet.
Well, that sucked.
All right. Fight night.
Here you go, Ginger.
Hey, I still have your panties.
They're in my fridge.
Hey.
Big beer for a big guy.
Oh, Russki.
Ha-ha-ha. All right.
So when's the fight?
Well, in about
five minutes
if somebody doesn't put
the Buffalo wings out.
What happened to
your date?
Ah, I told her
I was getting the car.
You don't have a car.
Ah, what are you gonna do?
Yeah, maybe we should
call it a night.
Ah. whoa, whoa.
That's loser talk.
You're out tonight
sans ball and chain.
Why don't you live a little?
Here's a straw.
You know, you get drunker
drinking through a straw.
I did not know that.
I can't believe
you wanna get him drunk
just so he does something crazy.
I can't believe you don't.
Plus, I remembered they have
a pool table here,
so I can hustle me some money
whilst he's drinking.
Last time you hustled a guy,
he punched you
with your own fist.
Oh, yeah.
I really kicked my ass
that night.
But hey, when it comes time
to collect my winnings,
I'll have drunk,
ready-to-fight Jeff by my side.
[SLURPING]
Audrey hates it
when I slurp pitchers of beer.
I remember that
from our wedding.
Hey, come on.
Less thinkin', more drinkin'.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Less beer, more
"let's get out of here."
Let's go!
You know what?
Adam's right,
I've had enough beer.
Ah, good call.Ah.
Time to move on to Scotch.
Oh, ho! Old School Jeff.
All right.
Yeah!
Barkeep,
pitcher of Scotch.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Listen. Little boy,
what I said wasn't nice.
And you don't want anyone to see
that, especially not the bride.
Yeah, it's her special day.
She doesn't wanna
hear about her back fat.
Would you stop saying
"back fat," please.
Yeah, you don't have to
say it anymore.
I got it on tape.
Hey!
This mean lady's
trying to steal my camera!
No-- No.
No, no, he dropped it.
I w-was just
picking it up for him.
[CHUCKLES]
Look at that face.
Adorable little scamp.
Listen, you little brat,
the bride is my boss,
so I need you
to erase that tape.
Now, what's it gonna take?
Show me your boobs.
Excuse me?
Show me your boobs,
and I'll erase the tape.
Absolutely not.
One of 'em?
Listen, you pervy
little twerp.
I ought to go tell your mom--
You mean,
Back Fat's sister?
How would you like a video
of a woman pummeling a mouthy--?
Audrey, settle down.
I got this.
Okay, look, at your age,
it's natural to be curious
and want to see our boobs.
Not yours.
You're kind of flat.
[SCOFFS]
What?
I am not flat, four eyes.
I just call 'em
like I see 'em.
And I can barely see 'em.
It's my damn strapless bra.
It's squishing my girls.
[SIGHS]
Okay, come on, kid.
Look, all my friends
have seen 'em and I haven't.
How about this?
You erase the tape
and I'll give you
some pointers
on how to impress girls.
Impress girls?
See boobs.
That sounds good.
Tell me what you got.
Okay, first,
you erase the tape.
That's not how I roll.
First, the info.
Okay, I'll give you
the advice first.
Hey, guys,
this is Jane.
Oh, Jane, why don't you go
sign the guest book.
I'll be there in a second.
Now, that was flat.
So wait a second,
am I stars or stripes?
It's stripes and solids,
and you're stripes.
Oh. Okay.
It's just--
When you hit it with the stick,
it's like miniature golf.
That's fun.
All right,
that can't be too hard.
Ah, nertz.
["AFTERNOON DELIGHT"
PLAYING ON PHONE]
I thought I put it on vibrate.
No, don't do that.
There might be somebody here who
doesn't think we're a couple.
What?
Do we want a monogrammed
dance floor?
What, is she smoking crack?
I-I gotta call her.
She's getting out of control
with this wedding stuff.
Here's some advice.
Give up.
Wow. That's a good
pep talk, coach.
Look, over the years,
Audrey's gotten all kinds
of grand ideas:
We're getting a lake house,
going to Morocco,
giving up dairy.
I've learned that if I say no,
she digs in her heels,
but if I give up
and say nothing,
eventually she loses enthusiasm,
the idea flames out,
even before we've opened
the soy cheese.
It's gonna be really hard
not to say anything.
Don't worry about it,
I'm here for you.
If you start to screw up,
I'll punch you in the neck.
Thanks, man,
you're a good friend.
Hey, how's it going,
Mini-sota Fats?
[LAUGHS]
It's going great.
You just keep drinking.
Hey, how's
the hustle going?
Ah, right on schedule.
They're getting cocky,
almost time to lay down
the big bet.
How's it going
with Drunkenstein?
I think he's almost ready
to terrorize the villagers.
Hey, what do you guys think?
Should I have gone
to that wedding with Audrey?
Oh, no. Then I would
never have gotten
to smell your great breath.
You're right. Because, I mean,
I was at our wedding.
Shouldn't that be enough?
[GROANS]
You guys are great.
I'm-a get you
a round of shots.
Waitress.
All right.
A toast.
Okay, for starters,
you can't just walk up to a girl
and say,
"Let me see your boobs."
Oh, right.
Let me see
your boobs, please.
That's not what I meant.
It helps to be sensitive,
and to connect emotionally.
I'm 10, not gay.
Teachers are really
underpaid.
And I don't know,
I was thinking
we could get married
in the same church.
Oh, and we have to have
amazing centerpieces
like they have here.
ADAM:
Amazing centerpieces?
What do I think?
I think
whatever you want.
All right.
I'll talk to you later.
What?
No, your boobs are great.
Hey, how much will you give me
if I ate all these jalapeños?
Nothing.
Done.
I'm at this fraternity party--
That's where
I first met my husband.
And later on, I'm asleep
and this rock crashes through
my window.
And I look out,
and Jeff's in the courtyard.
[AS JEFF]:
"Just wanted to make sure
you got home safe, chief."
[LAUGHS]
It was the most romantic thing
I had ever seen.
That's romantic?
Well, I'm from
a very small town.
But it was the effort he made.
I mean, he was willing
to look stupid for me.
Almost determined.
Right then I knew, this guy
will always be there for me.
So where is he tonight?
My point is, do something
that gets a girl's attention
and lets her know
she's special.
And then don't stop doing it
14 years later.
That's the advice?
Yeah.
So you'll erase the tape?
I'll record over it.
Thank you.
With footage of your boobs,
because that advice sucked.
Excuse me,
I just wanted to thank you.
I'm engaged
and your wedding is giving me
tons of ideas for mine.
Here's an idea: Elope.
This whole thing's
been a nightmare.
Really? It's so romantic.
Not when everything goes wrong
and people complain about
where they're seated,
and your dad won't shut up
about the cost.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Your dress looks nice.
Oh, thanks.
So hot.
Hey, my pigeon's got
some friends
that want to, uh, lay
some action on our next game.
Hey, uh, why is he downing
all these pickle chips?
He thinks
they're jalapeños.
[GRUNTING]
Burning my mouth.
Burning.
Hey, pay up.
I said I wouldn't
give you anything.
All right.
So we're even.
Hey, call Jen,
and see if Audrey's mad at me.
No. You know what?
Have her send a picture,
'cause I can tell
just by looking at it.
Hey, listen. You know, uh,
for a free guy out on the town,
you're talking an awful lot
about your wife.
You know what?
That's it.
We're going right now.
You and me. Fight.
Whoa, Jeff, whoa.
Come on, man,
you don't wanna fight.
You know what?
You're right.
I love Russki.
I wanna pick you up, though.
Oh, okay. That's good.
Put me down.
Keep up there long enough
while I run the table
and win the big bet.
Hey, Bluto, you wanna be my
muscle?
You got it.
All right.
I'll whistle
when I need you.
Oh, God. My insides.
Agh.
Sit down, little fella.
Oh, God.
Last weekend Audrey went
to the auto show with me.
Doesn't even care about cars
but still went.
Even carried the brochures.
Must've weighed 40 pounds.
Oh, God,
Scotch and-- And pickles?
Help me.
I hope she's having fun
at that wedding.
She's a good egg.
And she makes good eggs.
Wow, I can't believe
I made that shot.
That's crazy. That's lucky.
There's no way I'll be able
to make this one.
Oh, what--? I can't--
They all went in the holes.
That's good, right?
Pay up.
Dude, you hustled us.
Now we're gonna kick your ass.
Really? You got
a problem with me,
take it up
with the big guy.
[WHISTLES]
[WHISTLES]
Where's Jeff?
I don't know,
but his breath is still here.
[YELPS]
Heh-heh. This guy,
he looks wiry and dumb,
but I tell you what,
he's tough as nails, that one.
["AFTERNOON DELIGHT"
PLAYING ON PHONE]
Heh-heh-heh.
That's a good song.
Oh. I'm having
the worst night of my life.
I think I'm over
the fancy wedding thing,
it seems like a big headache.
Hey, would you
distract the bride
while I put this
back on the cake?
Jen, what--?
It looked just like
me and Adam.
Give me that.
JEFF: Hey, everyone,
I got something to say.
Oh, no.
You don't know me, but, uh,
there's a very special--
Very special lady
in the house.
Not you. Not you.
Anyway, I wanna dedicate
a song to Audrey.
Oh, no.
'Cause this song reminds me
of a really special day
that we had together,
because she's a champ,
and she carried
all the brochures.
Hit it.
[BAND PLAYING BILLY OCEAN'S
"GET OUT OF MY DREAMS"]
♪♪ Get out of my dream ♪♪
♪♪ Get into my car ♪♪
The auto show.
♪♪ Get out of my dreams ♪♪
You're ruining my wedding.
♪♪ Get into my car ♪♪
Hey, you see that idiot
up there?
That idiot is my husband.
So?
So if he's willing to
humiliate himself like that
to impress me,
don't you think I know what
I'm talking about?
So if I act like
an idiot for a girl,
I might get to see her boobs?
He is gonna see mine tonight.
Okay, I'll erase the tape.
Oh, better yet.
Record over it with him.
Hm-hm-hm.
I just got out of
next year's auto show.
[CHUCKLES]
Thank you for making
an ass out of yourself for me.
What are you taking about?
I was great.
I rocked the house.
You can stop making an ass
out of yourself, okay.
No comprende, soy Guamish.
I changed my mind.
I will look at your boobs.
No way,
you creepy little perv.
But thanks for asking.
Nice butt.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Good job, honey.
Dynamite duck.
Heh-heh. Thank you.
That would be
a great cartoon character.
Dynamite Duck.
"Quack, quack. Boom!"
Oh, hey, uh, I'm going down
to McDuffy's to watch
the big pay-per-view fight
Saturday night. You wanna go?
Absolutely.
All right.
Oh, aren't you
forgetting something?
I'm sure that I am.
I'm sure that
you're gonna tell me.
Saturday's the big wedding
for Susan,
head of my department?
Oh, yeah.
People I don't know
gettin' married.
How could that slip my mind?
Oh, come on.
It'll be fun.
Getting dressed up,
meeting new people, dancing.
There's also the downside.
Getting dressed up,
meeting new people, dancing.
Our wedding is gonna be
just us, a few friends,
super casual,
on the beach.
No stupid dances.
Oh, wait, what about the--?
No chicken dance.
Whatever.
Susan loves Shakespeare,
so her fiancé
proposed to her at work,
dressed like Romeo.
It was so romantic.
That's romantic?
Prancing around in tights?
The guy made an ass
of himself.
You know, women like
when men are willing
to make asses
of themselves for them.
Let's see how his wife likes it
when he comes out of the closet.
You know what, babe?
You don't have to go.
I'd rather go alone than
have to pretend you're foreign
so you don't have to
talk to anyone.
That was working till
that damn busboy got chatty.
Since the guys
are going to the fight,
I'll go to
the wedding with you.
A little heads-up. If you
tell 'em you're from Guam,
don't refer to yourself
as "Guamish."
Yeah. He also referred to people
from Greece as "Greasers."
You know what?
Just to be clear, now,
if I don't go to the wedding,
you won't be mad?
No. Mm. Maybe a little
disappointed, but--
Well, you're always a little
disappointed in me.
So count me in.
All right.
JEFF:
This is gonna be great.
It's gonna be
an Old School Jeff night.
Hoh-hoh-hoh-hoh.
Oh, Old School Jeff.
Glad I won't be there.
Ew.
I got your plate, honey.
Thank you.
Hey.
Uh, why are you glad
you won't be there?
Oh, you'll find out.
Hm-hm. You're not on probation
for anything, are you?
Probation?
Uh, we're just having beers.
Ha-ha, yeah.
Well, with Jeff,
there's "having beers,"
and there's
[DEEP VOICE]
drinkin'.
He said it's gonna be
an "Old School Jeff" night,
and that, my friend,
means drinking.
Heh. Well, I can handle that.
I mean, I'm used to breaking up
fights when Jen drinks.
[LAUGHS]
She gets crazy,
which I find very hot.
Ah, then you're gonna be
super attracted to Jeff.
[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]
♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪
♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪
♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪
♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪
♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Yeah, so Audrey says when
he switches from beer to Scotch,
that's the signal
he's going old school.
You mean old school like,
back when people
used the term old school?
Yeah, exactly.
Back when they wore necklaces
like the one you've got on.
I wear this ironically.
Oh, it's pronounced
"moronically."
Anyway, once Jeff gets
a little Scotch in him
he'll want you to start to
dare him to do stupid things,
you know?
Like, "How much will you give me
to steal that cop's horse?"
Ha-ha. As much as
the ATM will give me.
But the real danger is when
he starts to get physical.
Like, uh, fighting,
wrestling, hugging.
That Jeff sounds
a lot more fun
than what we got stuck with.
Usually, it ends with
him doing something stupid,
which lands him and whoever
he's with in a holding cell.
Well, I'd love to be there
to watch all this,
but unfortunately,
I have a date.
Unfortunately for her.
If everything
goes as planned, yes.
Well, you're not gonna be
missing anything.
I'm gonna make sure
that Jeff doesn't drink so much
that he winds up in jail.
Why not?
I don't wanna
end up there with him.
I mean, look at me.
Inmates would be lining up
to get a piece of this.
Uh, not with that attitude,
they wouldn't.
Nobody likes
a stuck-up prison bitch.
They don't.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Boy, this is the exact opposite
of what Adam and I want.
It's so garish
and over the top and--
So much more magical
than I ever imagined.
[LAUGHS]
Hey, a simple wedding
could be magical too.
You're right.
Oh.
Just a few friends,
on the beach.
Oh, a Cupid ice sculpture with
vodka flowing out of the arrow.
Heh-heh-heh.
I'm gonna send Adam a picture,
see what he thinks.
See, you're admiring
the ice sculpture.
Jeff would be lying under it
with his mouth open.
[PIANO PLAYING]
Mm.
There's the bride.
[CROWD APPLAUDING]
What a beautiful dress.
Yikes, back fat.
No wonder
her dad gave her away.
[BOTH LAUGH]
Did you record
what I just said?
And who are you?
I'm Back Fat's nephew.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Hey, this is great.
The girls go to the wedding,
we come here,
everybody wins.
Heh. Yeah. You know, the groom
should be the only guy
who has to go to a wedding.
Now, let's do some
serious drinking.Yeah,
some seriously
responsible drinking. Huh?
Anyway, I can't wait
for the fight.
Nothing more manly
than a good slugfest.
["AFTERNOON DELIGHT"
PLAYING ON PHONE]
There's nothing less manly
than that.
Text message from Jen.
She downloaded these ringtones
for my phone.
Maybe she can download some
'nads to your pants.
Oh, uh, "Think we should have
this ice sculpture
at our wedding?"
What? I can't believe
she'd even ask.
I can't believe nobody's
sucking on that arrow.
I don't want a fancy wedding.
We agreed on the beach.
You're engaged,
replace "we agreed"
with "she decided."
You're welcome.
Okay, she goes to
one fancy reception
and now she's rethinking
our wedding?
Her wedding.
You'll catch on.
[BELL RINGS ON TV]
Fight's starting.
This is gonna be great.
MAN [ON TV]:
Fight scheduled for 12 rounds.
Fighters meet in-- Nice jab!
[CROWD GROANS]
And a hard right!
He's down.
He's down for the count.
I don't think
he's gonna get up.
It's over!
Get up!
Get up, you bum!
The fight is over.
They haven't even put out
the free Buffalo wings yet.
Well, that sucked.
All right. Fight night.
Here you go, Ginger.
Hey, I still have your panties.
They're in my fridge.
Hey.
Big beer for a big guy.
Oh, Russki.
Ha-ha-ha. All right.
So when's the fight?
Well, in about
five minutes
if somebody doesn't put
the Buffalo wings out.
What happened to
your date?
Ah, I told her
I was getting the car.
You don't have a car.
Ah, what are you gonna do?
Yeah, maybe we should
call it a night.
Ah. whoa, whoa.
That's loser talk.
You're out tonight
sans ball and chain.
Why don't you live a little?
Here's a straw.
You know, you get drunker
drinking through a straw.
I did not know that.
I can't believe
you wanna get him drunk
just so he does something crazy.
I can't believe you don't.
Plus, I remembered they have
a pool table here,
so I can hustle me some money
whilst he's drinking.
Last time you hustled a guy,
he punched you
with your own fist.
Oh, yeah.
I really kicked my ass
that night.
But hey, when it comes time
to collect my winnings,
I'll have drunk,
ready-to-fight Jeff by my side.
[SLURPING]
Audrey hates it
when I slurp pitchers of beer.
I remember that
from our wedding.
Hey, come on.
Less thinkin', more drinkin'.
Let's go.
Yeah.
Less beer, more
"let's get out of here."
Let's go!
You know what?
Adam's right,
I've had enough beer.
Ah, good call.Ah.
Time to move on to Scotch.
Oh, ho! Old School Jeff.
All right.
Yeah!
Barkeep,
pitcher of Scotch.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
Listen. Little boy,
what I said wasn't nice.
And you don't want anyone to see
that, especially not the bride.
Yeah, it's her special day.
She doesn't wanna
hear about her back fat.
Would you stop saying
"back fat," please.
Yeah, you don't have to
say it anymore.
I got it on tape.
Hey!
This mean lady's
trying to steal my camera!
No-- No.
No, no, he dropped it.
I w-was just
picking it up for him.
[CHUCKLES]
Look at that face.
Adorable little scamp.
Listen, you little brat,
the bride is my boss,
so I need you
to erase that tape.
Now, what's it gonna take?
Show me your boobs.
Excuse me?
Show me your boobs,
and I'll erase the tape.
Absolutely not.
One of 'em?
Listen, you pervy
little twerp.
I ought to go tell your mom--
You mean,
Back Fat's sister?
How would you like a video
of a woman pummeling a mouthy--?
Audrey, settle down.
I got this.
Okay, look, at your age,
it's natural to be curious
and want to see our boobs.
Not yours.
You're kind of flat.
[SCOFFS]
What?
I am not flat, four eyes.
I just call 'em
like I see 'em.
And I can barely see 'em.
It's my damn strapless bra.
It's squishing my girls.
[SIGHS]
Okay, come on, kid.
Look, all my friends
have seen 'em and I haven't.
How about this?
You erase the tape
and I'll give you
some pointers
on how to impress girls.
Impress girls?
See boobs.
That sounds good.
Tell me what you got.
Okay, first,
you erase the tape.
That's not how I roll.
First, the info.
Okay, I'll give you
the advice first.
Hey, guys,
this is Jane.
Oh, Jane, why don't you go
sign the guest book.
I'll be there in a second.
Now, that was flat.
So wait a second,
am I stars or stripes?
It's stripes and solids,
and you're stripes.
Oh. Okay.
It's just--
When you hit it with the stick,
it's like miniature golf.
That's fun.
All right,
that can't be too hard.
Ah, nertz.
["AFTERNOON DELIGHT"
PLAYING ON PHONE]
I thought I put it on vibrate.
No, don't do that.
There might be somebody here who
doesn't think we're a couple.
What?
Do we want a monogrammed
dance floor?
What, is she smoking crack?
I-I gotta call her.
She's getting out of control
with this wedding stuff.
Here's some advice.
Give up.
Wow. That's a good
pep talk, coach.
Look, over the years,
Audrey's gotten all kinds
of grand ideas:
We're getting a lake house,
going to Morocco,
giving up dairy.
I've learned that if I say no,
she digs in her heels,
but if I give up
and say nothing,
eventually she loses enthusiasm,
the idea flames out,
even before we've opened
the soy cheese.
It's gonna be really hard
not to say anything.
Don't worry about it,
I'm here for you.
If you start to screw up,
I'll punch you in the neck.
Thanks, man,
you're a good friend.
Hey, how's it going,
Mini-sota Fats?
[LAUGHS]
It's going great.
You just keep drinking.
Hey, how's
the hustle going?
Ah, right on schedule.
They're getting cocky,
almost time to lay down
the big bet.
How's it going
with Drunkenstein?
I think he's almost ready
to terrorize the villagers.
Hey, what do you guys think?
Should I have gone
to that wedding with Audrey?
Oh, no. Then I would
never have gotten
to smell your great breath.
You're right. Because, I mean,
I was at our wedding.
Shouldn't that be enough?
[GROANS]
You guys are great.
I'm-a get you
a round of shots.
Waitress.
All right.
A toast.
Okay, for starters,
you can't just walk up to a girl
and say,
"Let me see your boobs."
Oh, right.
Let me see
your boobs, please.
That's not what I meant.
It helps to be sensitive,
and to connect emotionally.
I'm 10, not gay.
Teachers are really
underpaid.
And I don't know,
I was thinking
we could get married
in the same church.
Oh, and we have to have
amazing centerpieces
like they have here.
ADAM:
Amazing centerpieces?
What do I think?
I think
whatever you want.
All right.
I'll talk to you later.
What?
No, your boobs are great.
Hey, how much will you give me
if I ate all these jalapeños?
Nothing.
Done.
I'm at this fraternity party--
That's where
I first met my husband.
And later on, I'm asleep
and this rock crashes through
my window.
And I look out,
and Jeff's in the courtyard.
[AS JEFF]:
"Just wanted to make sure
you got home safe, chief."
[LAUGHS]
It was the most romantic thing
I had ever seen.
That's romantic?
Well, I'm from
a very small town.
But it was the effort he made.
I mean, he was willing
to look stupid for me.
Almost determined.
Right then I knew, this guy
will always be there for me.
So where is he tonight?
My point is, do something
that gets a girl's attention
and lets her know
she's special.
And then don't stop doing it
14 years later.
That's the advice?
Yeah.
So you'll erase the tape?
I'll record over it.
Thank you.
With footage of your boobs,
because that advice sucked.
Excuse me,
I just wanted to thank you.
I'm engaged
and your wedding is giving me
tons of ideas for mine.
Here's an idea: Elope.
This whole thing's
been a nightmare.
Really? It's so romantic.
Not when everything goes wrong
and people complain about
where they're seated,
and your dad won't shut up
about the cost.
Oh, I'm sorry.
Your dress looks nice.
Oh, thanks.
So hot.
Hey, my pigeon's got
some friends
that want to, uh, lay
some action on our next game.
Hey, uh, why is he downing
all these pickle chips?
He thinks
they're jalapeños.
[GRUNTING]
Burning my mouth.
Burning.
Hey, pay up.
I said I wouldn't
give you anything.
All right.
So we're even.
Hey, call Jen,
and see if Audrey's mad at me.
No. You know what?
Have her send a picture,
'cause I can tell
just by looking at it.
Hey, listen. You know, uh,
for a free guy out on the town,
you're talking an awful lot
about your wife.
You know what?
That's it.
We're going right now.
You and me. Fight.
Whoa, Jeff, whoa.
Come on, man,
you don't wanna fight.
You know what?
You're right.
I love Russki.
I wanna pick you up, though.
Oh, okay. That's good.
Put me down.
Keep up there long enough
while I run the table
and win the big bet.
Hey, Bluto, you wanna be my
muscle?
You got it.
All right.
I'll whistle
when I need you.
Oh, God. My insides.
Agh.
Sit down, little fella.
Oh, God.
Last weekend Audrey went
to the auto show with me.
Doesn't even care about cars
but still went.
Even carried the brochures.
Must've weighed 40 pounds.
Oh, God,
Scotch and-- And pickles?
Help me.
I hope she's having fun
at that wedding.
She's a good egg.
And she makes good eggs.
Wow, I can't believe
I made that shot.
That's crazy. That's lucky.
There's no way I'll be able
to make this one.
Oh, what--? I can't--
They all went in the holes.
That's good, right?
Pay up.
Dude, you hustled us.
Now we're gonna kick your ass.
Really? You got
a problem with me,
take it up
with the big guy.
[WHISTLES]
[WHISTLES]
Where's Jeff?
I don't know,
but his breath is still here.
[YELPS]
Heh-heh. This guy,
he looks wiry and dumb,
but I tell you what,
he's tough as nails, that one.
["AFTERNOON DELIGHT"
PLAYING ON PHONE]
Heh-heh-heh.
That's a good song.
Oh. I'm having
the worst night of my life.
I think I'm over
the fancy wedding thing,
it seems like a big headache.
Hey, would you
distract the bride
while I put this
back on the cake?
Jen, what--?
It looked just like
me and Adam.
Give me that.
JEFF: Hey, everyone,
I got something to say.
Oh, no.
You don't know me, but, uh,
there's a very special--
Very special lady
in the house.
Not you. Not you.
Anyway, I wanna dedicate
a song to Audrey.
Oh, no.
'Cause this song reminds me
of a really special day
that we had together,
because she's a champ,
and she carried
all the brochures.
Hit it.
[BAND PLAYING BILLY OCEAN'S
"GET OUT OF MY DREAMS"]
♪♪ Get out of my dream ♪♪
♪♪ Get into my car ♪♪
The auto show.
♪♪ Get out of my dreams ♪♪
You're ruining my wedding.
♪♪ Get into my car ♪♪
Hey, you see that idiot
up there?
That idiot is my husband.
So?
So if he's willing to
humiliate himself like that
to impress me,
don't you think I know what
I'm talking about?
So if I act like
an idiot for a girl,
I might get to see her boobs?
He is gonna see mine tonight.
Okay, I'll erase the tape.
Oh, better yet.
Record over it with him.
Hm-hm-hm.
I just got out of
next year's auto show.
[CHUCKLES]
Thank you for making
an ass out of yourself for me.
What are you taking about?
I was great.
I rocked the house.
You can stop making an ass
out of yourself, okay.
No comprende, soy Guamish.
I changed my mind.
I will look at your boobs.
No way,
you creepy little perv.
But thanks for asking.
Nice butt.
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]
[♪♪♪♪♪♪]