Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 2, Episode 5 - Bag Ladies - full transcript

That was great, man.
I love watching games

on your hi-def TV.

You keeping bringing
that six-pack admission charge,

and you're welcome anytime.

All I know is, when I watch
my regular low-def TV,

I wanna stab myself in the eyes
with a fork.

Well, don't do that. Then
you won't be able

to find your way over here
with the beer.

See you later.

Oh. Oh.
Oh, hey.

I just saw Jennifer
in the hall.



She's got a present
for you.

Ooh, I'll bet she does.

What is it?
I'm not gonna ruin the surprise.

But make sure you are excited
when she gives it to you.

I bet--
Okay, shut up.

Well, I can't wait to see it.

Uh, hey, uh,
can grab a beer to go?

Yeah, sure, help yourself.

And how was girls' night out?

Did you guys play Truth or Dare
and try on each other's bras?

Actually, it was fun.

Once you get those girls
out of the office,

they are not afraid to drink.

You know Theresa?
I don't think so.



No, you've only met her
about nine times.

She and her husband
are swingers.

Maybe I should meet her
a tenth time.

You know Mary?
Who?

You call her Bug Eyes.

[LAUGHS]

Bug Eyes,
that's a great nickname.

Tonight, she told us
she and her husband

only have phone sex.

Probably because he doesn't

wanna look into those
buggy eyes.

Hey, wait a minute.

Do you talk about our sex life
with your girlfriends?

Well, come on.
I gotta contribute something.

[CHUCKLES]

Tonight I told them that
when you sweat during sex,

your chest hair
looks like the rain forest.

And?

And that's it.

That's how you compete
with swinging and phone sex?

Sweaty chest hair?

Why, what do you
want me to tell them?

I don't know, maybe something
that includes the words

"satisfied," "exhausted"
or maybe "filthy."

Oh, yeah? Are those the kind
of stories

you tell Russell and Adam?

I don't tell stories to them.

Oh, please!

Do not tell me
you guys don't talk about sex.

They do. Adam implies things,
Russell gives details

and demonstrates with
the salt and pepper shakers.

But I'm a gentleman.

But maybe now
I'll just tell them everything.

Everything?

All right,

both things.

[SEÑOR HAPPY'S "HOW MANY WAYS"
PLAYING]

♪♪ How many ways
To say, "I love you?" ♪♪

♪♪ How many ways
To say that I'm not scared? ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denyin' ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait
For me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Um, this isn't the front end
of some kind of bulimia thing,

is it?No.

I don't always
eat like this.

Oh. Like Jodie Foster in Nell? Ha-ha!

I think you're older
than I am.

Oh, no. I-- I caught it
on Nickelodeon the other night.

Are you gonna eat
your bacon?

No, no, go ahead.

So, uh, your appetite for food
this morning

almost matches your appetite
for me last night.

[BOTH LAUGH]

You were pretty energetic
yourself.

Ha-ha! Well, the little guy's
got something to prove.

Anyway, I'm glad I decided to
cut through the park yesterday,

or I would never have seen you
playing guitar.

Yeah, sorry I didn't know
that song you requested.

Oh, yeah, you should learn it.
"9 to 5," it's a classic.

So am I gonna see you again?
Well, I'm a really good cook.

How about tonight I go to
your place and make you dinner?

Ooh,
how Ward and June Cleaver.

[CHUCKLES LIGHTLY]

I mean, uh,
Ross and Rachel.

I'll tell the doorman
to let you in.

And as a way
of saying thanks,

I've got a surprise for you.

What?
I'm not gonna finish my bagel.

[CHUCKLES]

Okay, we got time.Mm, mm.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

When I saw this, I thought
it would be perfect for you.

Uh, is it a machine that
makes your clothes fall off?

Heh. No, that machine
is called a corkscrew.

Hey, go ahead, open it.

All right.
Hee-hee!

Wow.

This is for me?

Do you like it?

Look at it.

Oh. Oh, I bet
there's something inside.

Yes, there is.Ahh.

It's a pad
for the shoulder strap.

Wo-- Wow. It's so cushy.

What's the occasion?

Well, I saw you
taping up your old backpack.

I thought
you're doing so well at work,

you should look more stylish.

You know, more like
a real grownup.

Oh, but-- But my backpack
has a four-pen cubby.

Look, I had to go
to like three different stores,

and I was so excited
when I saw this one.

Ah, the other ones
weren't this great?

Okay, I know it's not something
you would normally use,

but trust me, I know style.
These are very in.

Come on, try it on.

Uh, mm, okay.

Okay, walk around.

[SIGHS]

Come on, strut your stuff.

You're a rising young executive
about town.

[SIGHS]

I mean...

[LAUGHS]

You look fabulous.

Heh-heh. I feel fabulous.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Totally. Oh, my God.

What is that?

It was a gift
from Jennifer.

And now it's a gift for us.

I, uh--
I didn't say anything,

because I figured
we could do it together.

Hey, why don't you
just not do it?

Whoo,
don't get your panties--

Which I assume
are in your purse.

--in a bunch.

It's not a purse,
okay?

It's a messenger bag.

And the message is:
It's a purse.

Mm-hm.

Probably no panties
in there, though.

No room,
what with all the douches.

ADAM:
All right,
look, I don't like it either.

But Jennifer
was so excited,

she made
such an effort to find it,

I-I just couldn't
disappoint her.

That's very nice of you, but now
you're stuck using it forever.

Yep, all the way
through menopause.

Make your stupid jokes,
all right? But guess what.

Last night
wasn't the only gift I got.

Ooh, I'm listening.

All right,
so I'm taking a shower.

Jennifer decides to join me.

Rub-a-dub-dub.
I'm getting it in the tub.

Not bad, but check this out:

Yesterday, I cut through
the park,

I see some chick
playing the guitar.

After 10 minutes of pretending
I like the Grateful Dead,

who suck,
we go back to my place

and we proceed to do it
everywhere.

We go in the bedroom.

In the kitchen-- Wha--? Yeah.

In the living room.

"I'm tired." "I'm not."

Hey, I got a story to tell.

Yeah?
Ah, really?

Couple years back--

"Couple years back"?
All right.

All right, okay.

You know what?
All right, more recently,

I, uh...

That bag is for girls.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

I am shocked you wanted to
meet me here. You hate shopping.

I don't know what you're
talking about. I love shopping.

How you doing?

Here you go.
Okay.

I am gonna
model the dresses for you.

You tell me
which one you like best.

The one marked "clearance."

Done.

Go ahead.

You gonna help me?

Yes, I am.

Oh, are you crazy?
What are--?

Crazy for love.
Come on, let's live a little.

No. No. No.

Not here. No.

Why not?
Uh, well, for starters,

I'd be looking at my butt
from 12 different angles.

Come on,
what's gotten into you?

You had no good stories
to tell your friends,

I had none to tell mine.

This could be a good story.

Once upon a time
I had you in a dressing room.

WOMAN:
You do know there's other people
in here, right?

Sorry.

Things aren't dull.

They're fine.

Oh, stop with the dirty talk.

All right, maybe our sex could
be a little more creative

and spontaneous.

Starting now.

[LAUGHS]

WOMAN:
I'm here with my grandmother.

ELDERLY WOMAN:
Shush, they're about to do it.

Okay, okay, look.
Y-you want spontaneous?

Let's go get a room
at the Winser Suites right now.

Now, look, if I'm paying
for a four-star hotel,

I expect four-star sex.

Oh, I think, actually,
it's a five-star hotel.

All right. Well, better stop
and get some Gatorade.

Oh, look at that,
they fixed it.

Oh.

Yeah.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[TV BLARING]

Stupid low-def TV.

Dumb bag.

Hey.
Hey.

I just ran into Russell.

We're meeting him and his
new girlfriend for a movie.

Girlfriend? What,
she's his girlfriend now?

I guess. Russell says she's over
at his place all the time now,

so it's girlfriend or hostage.

Either way,
she's handcuffed to the bed.

That's gonna be a disturbing
salt and pepper reenactment.

What you doing?

Ah, just watching some tube
with the bag.

[GASPS]

Have you gotten
any compliments about it?

Compliments? No.
No compliments.

I've got some comments, though,
from the guys.

Well, that's typical.

Those guys make fun of you
for anything.

They make fun of you
for using hair gel.

What do they say?

Who cares what those idiots
think?

They know nothing about style.

They know how to insult it.

Well, they should talk. Russell
always looks like he's wearing

a Starsky and Hutch
Halloween costume.

Hey, why don't you take the bag
to the movie tonight?

That'll show Russell
you don't care what he thinks.

Ah, or we can leave it here.

I mean, it's not like
I'm carrying anything.

That is another benefit
of the bag.

We can use it to sneak drinks in

so we don't have to pay
their crazy prices.

That-- But it's kind of how
they make their money, though.

[GASPS]

And look.
There's still so much room.

I don't even have to
bring my purse. Hee!

That makes one of us.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Whoa-ho-ho,
nice room.

Not for long.

We are going to wreck this place
with some crazy sex.

Hey, midtown, enjoy the show.

All right.

What do you think about this?

I like it.

But it too will be destroyed.

[LAUGHS]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, big boy.

Why don't you call room service

and, uh, have them bring us
some champagne and strawberries

and maybe a little
whipped cream?

You look so hot--
Hee-hee-hee!

--I'm almost not thinking
about the delivery surcharge

and mandatory 18 percent
gratuity.

Almost.

I gotta tell you,

I really like
your whole attitude

about, uh-- Whoa.
Look at this.

Happy hour
in the hospitality suite.

Complimentary wine and cheese,
hot hors d'oeuvres, sushi.

Hmmm. You know,
they call it complimentary,

but it--
It's built into the price.

And so we lose money
if we don't go.

It ends at 6:30.

Ah! It's almost 6 now.

Uh, wh-what about
destroying the room

with our crazy, nasty sex?

Oh, we're doing that.

No doubt.

But how about
we go to happy hour,

chug a lot of fancy wine,

we make dinner
out of the hors d'oeuvres,

come back here, tear it up?

Ha-ha-ha!
Best of both worlds.

I'll go get dressed.

All right,
see you down there.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Claire
seems pretty cool.

Yeah, she is.
She's different.

I don't have to take her out
to fancy restaurants or clubs.

She's happy just hanging out
at my place.

Sounds nice.
She appreciates
the little things.

That's perfect for you.

[BOTH CHUCKLE]

Purse.

I don't care what you think,
okay?

This thing
isn't that bad.

I mean, look.
That guy has one too.

See? He looks pretty cool.

[LAUGHS]

[LAUGHING]
Thank you.

Thank you.
That's so excellent.

I don't think it's possible

to drink more wine in that short
a time than we just did.

Not without a funnel.

I'll put the sushi
in the minibar for later.

God, this bed
is so comfortable.

All the better
for the doing it.

Ahhh.
So, what do you say?

You gonna shimmy back
into that sex getup

you had on before?

Oh, yeah, yeah.
I will, I will.

Come here and snuggle
for one minute.

Okay.
Okay.

All right. Good.
Oh-ho-ho-ho.

[BOTH MOANING]

And, hey, you know what?

They got in-room movies.

Oh, yeah? Do you wanna
watch something dirty

to get us in the mood?

Nice.

Whoa. Spider-Man 3.

Oh, yeah, yeah.
That sounds good too.

Yeah? "On. Movies.

"New releases.
Adventure. Spider-Man 3.

Thirteen ninety-five."

Too buzzed to care. "Purchase."

Okay.

And here we go.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER TV]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

RUSSELL:
Mm-hm. Hm, yeah. Hee!

You had to call Jeff.

Ask her if he's jealous
that he didn't get a kiss too.

RUSSELL:
All right,
I'll talk to you later.

Heh! Okay.

Whoa.

Guy from Wings
is made out of sand.

Can we go
to our seats now?

All right.

That's a great bag.

Thanks.

Heh.
These two guys just told...

Wow, I haven't been
to this theatre

since I used to live
on this side of town.

Oh, where do you live now?
All over, really.

Sometimes 14th Street,
sometimes Christopher Street.

When I can,
I crash with friends.

So you're between apartments?

Yeah. Going on five years.

I don't understand.
Where do you live?

I live in the moment.

Does the moment
have an address?

Some people
would call it homeless,

but I just don't wanna
be tied down to one place.

I can do what I want,
when I want.

I get that.
And I'm not really into things.

Oh. I kinda like things.

But I once camped out overnight
for Bon Jovi tickets.

So does Russell know?

No.
We mostly talk about him.

Excuse me.
I'm sorry.

Hey. Sorry to interrupt
the girl talk.

What is it? "I like shopping,
I like boys,

let's buy a scrunchie."

Heh! Am I close?

Yeah, bull's-eye.

[MUSIC PLAYING OVER SCREEN]

[SIGHS]

[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]

[INAUDIBLE SPEECH]

[INAUDIBLE WHISPERING]

What?

Hmm.

Popcorn's so good.
You can have mine.

Have some of ours.
Yeah, you want all this?

I've got some Red Vines.

Oh, and my scarf.
Here's a scarf.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Oh, my God.
That was the most amazing night.

Oh, definitely.

Best I ever had.
Ha-ha-ha-ha!

Mmm.

I'm sorry we didn't have
crazy sex. Or any sex.

It's fine. It was
the perfect night of sleep.

Sex would have ruined it.

Does this prove we're dull?

Tsk! Look,
it's like you said, we're fine.

We have nothing to prove.

We've proven it already.
We have.

We have done it
in some pretty wild places.

Like stairwells, cars...

[GIGGLES]

...Canada.

You know, uh, there's an hour
and half before checkout.

We could still do it.

Or we could sleep some more.

Ah, I was hoping you'd say that.

Tonight when we
get back to the apartment,

we can do it in that bed
that I now hate.

Mmm.

Hey, can we play
real estate lady

showing a lonely businessman
an apartment he might rent?

Mmm.

Maybe the businessman
takes the real estate lady

out for an expensive,
romantic dinner first?

It seems a little
unprofessional.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Hey, Adam.
Hey.

So how'd it go? You break things
off with Boxcar Willie?

[CHUCKLES]

Well, I was going to,
but then I realized

even though she's homeless,
she's still a good person.

So I'm gonna keep seeing her.

Surprisingly deep.
Yeah, plus I look like a hero

giving her three hots
and a cot.

And back to the shallow end.

Saves a lot of money
on dates.

Your leftovers, her dinner.

Hey, could I get a to-go
container for this, please?

Guys, got a great story.
All right.

All right, so Audrey and I
just finished playing

real estate lady
and lonely businessman, so--

Whoa, whoa, whoa. What
are you--? What are you doing?

Yeah, come on.
What's the problem?

Well, nothing's less hot
than a married guy's sex story.

She's your wife, man.

Yeah, but she wasn't
acting like my wife.

She was, uh, Mona.

A buxom--
Ah! "Buxom." Why'd you say that?

What are you doing?

Show your lady some respect.

Oh, wait, I chewed on that
piece. It's a little gristle.

Ah, I'll bury it in rice.
She'll never know.

Hey, sign the check. Let's go.

I got a pen.

Is, uh...?

Is that a, uh...?

No wonder you're so cranky.

All right, you know what?
Here, here.

Here's your new to-go bag.
All right.

Then what are you gonna tell
Jennifer?

That I got mugged.

By who, the Village People?

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

Claire.

Oh. Hey, Russell.

Hey.

Who's this guy?

Tim.

We're part of the same
drum circle.

Oh. Well, were you guys
together or something?

I'm sorry, Russell.
It's over.

What?

What, you're
breaking up with me?

But I have shelter.

That's the thing.
You're just too trapped

by your material possessions.

Oh, forgive me
for having an iPod.

Well, we did have
some good times, didn't we?

Kind of.

Wow. Okay, great.
Um, I'll see you around.

Oh, and here's
some leftover chicken àà la king.

Fabulous bag.

You like it?

Love it.
Ha-ha! It's yours.

You'll be back.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]