Rules of Engagement (2007–2013): Season 1, Episode 4 - Game On - full transcript

I can't believe you got this.
I've been on the waiting list
for months.

- Yeah, well, I'm connected.
- Come on.

Your cousin Larry's
the night manager
at the Paramus Toys 'R' Us.

You're not exactly
mobbed up.

Gimme this.

No, no! Sorry! Sorry!
You're mobbed up!
You're mobbed up!

Okay, how about
we start with this?

Oh-- "Video Golf"?
Yeah, super.

I always wondered what
it would be like

to be 70 and live
in South Florida.

Come on. Put in the game
where you blow things up



and you drive your car
into hookers. Let's go.

Okay, yeah,
but then "Golf."

- Hey.
- Hey, guys.
What are you doin'?

Maiden voyage
of my new video game system.

Oh. Well, I hope you finished
your homework first.

These games are not
just for kids and losers
anymore, honey.

Dirty whore.

What?!

No, he's talkin'
to the game.

You were talking
to the game, right?

No, no!
She's not a whore!
She's not a whore!

- Gimme!
- Gimme, gimme, gimme!

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

♪♪ How many ways
to say I love you ♪♪



♪♪ How many ways
to say that
I'm not scared ♪♪

♪♪ With you by my side ♪♪

♪♪ There is no denying ♪♪

♪♪ I can't wait for me and you ♪♪

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]

TV:
...dishes out to Marbury.

Marbury shoots a three--
no good!

-Game over! Knicks lose!
- Come on!

[REMOTE BEEPING]

...inside,
dishes out to Marbury,

Marbury shoots a three--
no good!

-Game over! Knicks lose!
- Come on!!!

- Hey, Jeff?
- Back here.

Oh, hey.
Great news-- I got it!

Good. I'm starvin'.

Did you get
the spicy dippin' sauce?

No. When I said "I got it,"
I meant I got the promotion.

Oh. That's good, too.
Way to go. Kudos.

How about
a little excitement, huh?

Maybe something on par
with your enthusiasm
for the dipping sauce.

Well, that's gone now
because there is no
dipping sauce.

Or hot wings to dip in.

Jeff, this is good
for both of us.

More money,
an extra week of vacation,
tickets to the Met.

The Mets?
Where are the seats?

The Met.
The Metropolitan Opera.

One little "s"
is the difference between

"Best news ever"
and "Who cares?"

But...good work
on the promotion.

Where are you going?

You came in here
talking about wings.
You got me all hungry.

So I'm gonna
go out and get some.

Maybe some Mets tickets.
Possibly a Kudos bar.

Such a nice day.
You boys sure you don't
want to play outside?

No way.

Man, this is
the best five hundred bucks
I've ever spent.

Oh, uh, by the way,
the next time we see
my cousin Larry

you have to show him your bra.

Five hundred dollars.
Isn't that a lot to spend
on a toy?

This is not a toy.
It's is a state-of-the-art
gaming console.

Plus, I really,
really wanted it.

Well, I really wanted
those Prada boots
I saw at Barneys.

Well, you only
said "really" once.

My point is,
I didn't buy them

because I would have felt guilty
spending so much money

on something
that was just for me.

- You know, now that we're "us."
- Honey, this is totally
an "us" thing.

- Give her your control.
- No, no, no!

- Give it to her!
- No! Please! Auggh!

We should just
talk to each other
before we make big purchases.

Especially on something
so frivolous.

What?! Friv--frivolous?!

Frivolous?
This is a necessity,
like air and oxygen.

Plus, it's hours of fun
for the whole family.

Oooh! I just ran over
three more whores.

Oops. That one
was a mail lady.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Hello, bagful of
Social Security checks.
I'll take that.

Looks like Granny's
eatin' dog food again
this month.

What's the champagne for?
Did you get it?

- I got it!
- Congratulations!

You are now looking at
the new senior deputy editor
of Indoor Livingmagazine.

Well, let's open the champagne.
Hey, guys, Audrey just got
a big promotion at work.

- That's great!
- Congratulations!

- Get out of the way!!!
- Move!!!

We're tryin'
to play thegame!

- Jeez.
- They just got that game,
they're really into it.

Well,
don't let Jeff see it.

Back in the '90s
he had a pretty serious case
of Pac-Man fever.

He must have been
really excited
about your promotion.

Hmm. He wasn't.

A few days ago he lost
this big account at work,

so I thought
he'd be thrilled to have me
bringing in extra money.

Jeff's pretty macho--
maybe he feels threatened
by your success.

Yeah, I guess it was
just bad timing.

I shouldn't have
bragged about it
right after he had a setback.

We forget, men can be
very sensitive sometimes.

- Die, whore, die!
- You got her!

- You got her! Yeah!
- Yeah!

Anyway, I've been
through this before.

I have an idea
of something special
I can do for Jeff to fix it.

Oh. Well, if you
have to do that, you should
probably have more of this.

Oh, God, no, notthat.

That's only
when I've done something
really wrong.

Or if my sister's
coming to stay with us.

Come on!
She got my wallet again!

Hey. Audrey.

Hey! There's my guy.

Wow, look at you.

- Yeah?
- Mm-hmm.

Sit down and relax.
Dinner's almost ready.

- What'd you order?
- I didn't order anything.
I cooked.

Okay, you either
bought something
really expensive

or your sister's
coming to stay with us.

And if she is...

My sister's
not coming.

It's just you're my man,
and I want to make sure
you're taken care of.

And that brings us
back to...

No. I'm doing this because
I realize the other day
I was inconsiderate.

I came in flaunting my promotion
when you'd had
such a bad week at work.

- Bad week?
- Yeah, you lost that account.

- I was glad to lose it.
- Why?

The client was a pain.
Always wanting status reports
on his investments.

Here's the status:
"You're annoying."

So, my promotion
didn't bother you?

Not at all. I'm thrilled
you got a promotion.

You deserve it.
You're a smart cookie
and a stone fox.

[CHUCKLES]
Well, thank you.

Why weren't you this happy
when I told you Tuesday night?

Tuesday night...
The Knicks lost a game
at the buzzer.

You're in a good mood now.

Last night they won.

You know, Jeff,
after twelve years,

I expect at parties
you're gonna disappear
to check the score.

Or if we're at a restaurant
with the game on

I'm not gonna get
so much eye contact.

But this?
This is a whole new level.

My promotion
was less important to you
than the Knicks losing.

- That's not true.
- Oh, yes, it is.

You're more emotionally
invested in your teams
than you are in me.

I haven't been rootin' for you
since I was five.

I am your wife.

Our lives should not
be dictated by

the success or failures
of strangers.

Strangers? Did I not meet
Patrick Ewing...twice?

Fine. Why don't you
invite him over for dinner?

Maybe he'll
take care of you.

Okay. You know what?
You're right. I'm sorry.
I wanna make it up to you.

How? The moment's gone.

I'm gonna take you out
tomorrow night for
the celebration you deserve.

Well, that would be a start.
What do you have in mind?

Knicks game.

Okay, there's no way
you're that dumb.

No, I got tickets from work.

Floor seats.
You're gonna get
the VIP treatment,

sit right down on the floor
with all the celebrities--

Spike Lee, Woody Allen,
Matthew Modine.

- Okay.
- Awright? Right.

This doesn't totally
get you off the hook,
though.

I'm gonna want
another night out.
Including a Broadway show.

- You don't mean--?
- Oh, yes.

Possibly the kind
where people start singing
for no godly reason.

But who does that?

♪♪ I'd like to drink
this brew ♪♪

♪♪ First one,
then maybe two ♪♪

♪♪ Oooh ♪♪

See? It's stupid.

I'll have
the turkey sandwich.

- Thanks.
- Oooh.

Shouldn't you
call Jennifer and ask
if it's okay

that you spend
those five dollars?

She's right, man.
We're engaged now.

We have to be a team.

Dude, I'm not
wearing a wire.
Awright?

Jennifer's not here.
You can speak freely.

She said she wouldn't
spend a lot of money without
talking to me first.

- You heard her.
- Yeah, I heard her words.
But let's examine her actions.

How much does she
spend on herself each month?

- I don't know.
- I do.

Makeup: 50.
Waxing: 40.

Hair care products: 60.
Haircut: 90.

Mani-pedi: 80.

- Wow.
So she's spending, like--
- Over $300 a month.

Without talking to you.
And you wanna know how much
she spends on skincare?

- Yeah, I do.
- No, you don't.

- How do you know all this?
- I study the female animal.

Know your prey.

- Hey, guys.
- Hey, Dunston.
Checking in?

You're not goin'
to the Knicks game with me.

Thanks for makin' that easy.

Now, aren't you due back
in Paris Hilton's handbag?

Why aren't you
takin' me with ya?

Audrey and I got in a fight.
I'm takin' her to make up.

Oh, come on.

Audrey takes my Knicks ticket,

Jennifer's cramping
my vid game time--

one of you has to
dump your chick.

What was the fight about?

Audrey told me
about her promotion right after
the Knicks lost a close one,

I was less than jubilant,
she thinks I care more
about the Knicks than her.

Right. She's just
figuring that out now?

No. I'll patch things up
with Audrey
and it'll get me courtside.

- It's win-win.
- Is taking your wife to a game
really win-win?

"Can I have the binoculars?
Get me some popcorn.

"Ooh, give me
the binoculars back.
Look, there's ice cream.

"Hold on to the binoculars.
Is that a sno-cone?
Will you grab me one?

"Give me the binoculars back.

"I feel sick.
How much longer is this?

Why did you let me
eat all that?"

You don't want your putter.

You want the driver,
that's your power club.

Now line it up,
you pull it back, slowly...

and then whale on
that dude's head with it.

Bam! Bam! Bam!

- Vrooom...
- Yeah, don't be shy!

I got his Camaro!

Awright, guys,
I'm going to get my hair done.

You know...you were right.

We should talk to each other
before either of us
spends a lot of money.

I'm glad you agree.
I'll see you later.

Uh, hang on.

Shouldn't we talk about
where you're having
your hair done?

[LAUGHS]

Oh, you're serious?

Well, yeah.
It's a big expenditure.

I'm going to Phillipe's,
where I always go.

Hmm. And you get, what,
a two-color process,

maybe a little
conditioning toner at the end?

- Yes.
- And that plus tip
is how much?

You can't put a price
on good hair color.

I bet Phillipe can.
Probably close to 200 bucks.

Where are you getting this?

I refuse to reveal my source.

Russell?

Remind me to
tell you a bunch of secrets.

You should go.

I can't.
We're in the middle
of a mega-game here.

No, you should go.

You try to help people...

Why would you listen
to Russell's advice?

His longest relationship was
three lap dances in a row.

You're pretty hypocritical,
spending all that money
on your hair.

I can't color it myself.
I've been going to Phillipe
for years.

Well, I played video games
long before I met you.

Which is probably
why it took you so long
to meet me.

Look, this isn't
just about my hair
or your game.

It's about us
spending on ourselves
without talking to each other.

You're right.
We need money for our wedding,

our honeymoon,
and a flat screen TV.

Exactly.
And how about this?

To begin our new plan
of fiscal responsibility,
I will color my own hair.

Okay, and I will
sell my video game system
to Russell

for an outrageous profit.

- It's fun working together!
- Yeah!

All right.
I will go to the drugstore
and get my hair color kit.

All right, honey,
I'm gonna box up the game.

Way to get rid of her, dude.
Let's play.

This is gonna be great, Audrey.

They only get
these floor seats
once a year.

It's a different game up close.

Might even get sweat on us.

If we're lucky.

We should probably get goin',
beat the crowd,
get in those seats,

take in the atmosphere.

Floor seats, hello!

What's goin' on here,
you havin' a yard sale?

I'm having wardrobe problems.

Oh, no, please...

please, not tonight,
not with floor seats.

I've tried everything.
Nothing looks good.

What you're wearing looks good.
I told you that when you
modeled it yesterday.

Well, yesterday it fit.

Today I'm all bloaty,
and the seams are practically
bursting open.

Since yesterday?

Are you calling me a liar?!

You're mad
I don't agree you're fat.

There's a new twist
on an old game.

I have two more possibilities.
You tell me which one
looks better.

I'll tell you right now.
First one.

Jeff, you could at least
pretend to care.

I was pretending.

Then...go without me.

No, no, no.
I'm not falling for that one.

This is like when you said

I didn't have to
do anything special
for our anniversary.

You didn't have to.
I thought maybe
you would want to.

You should know
subtle wordplay
is lost on me.

Tonight is being torpedoed
because you think you're fat.

I don't think I'm fat.
I feel fat.

More wordplay.

Tonight was supposed
to be fun for both of us,

but now you're in a bad mood
because of your clothes.

And you know what?
Your body and clothing issues
are just like my sports.

- What?!
- Yup.

When you think you look good
and your clothes all fit,
life is good.

But if not,
it's foxhole time.

That is crazy.

Is it?
Is it crazy?

Yes.

If it's crazy,
wear what you got.
Let's go.

- Fine. Let's go.
- Great.

This is gonna be great.

With these seats,
we're practically in the game.

You're gonna come away with
a whole new appreciation for--

Audrey?

You're totally right.
I can't do it.

I'm pathetic.

We're pathetic.

I don't wanna ruin your night.
Why don't you go to the game?

Not without you.

I've got an idea
about something you could wear

that will take care
of all your problems.

[SIGHS]

[IMITATES VIDEO GAME NOISES]

[CONTINUES NOISES]

AUDREY: Coming out!

Okay, let me just
finish my game.

Okay, I'm done.

Hey, look at you.

Yeah, I did it.
Take that, expensive salon.

How's solitaire?

Just as good as
my game system.

You know, I feel better
having sacrificed for us
and our financial future.

Well, me too.
We make a great team.

We don't need to
spend a lot of money
to make us happy.

[CHUCKLING]

Oh, no.

- What is this?
It's all over my hands!
-It wasn't supposed to happen!

Ohh! It's burning my eye,
honey!

- Oh!
- It's burning my eye!

Aaaah! Get it out!
Get it out!!!

Okay, what happened
in there?

Everything's stained
with brown dye.

It's not brown.
It's Twilight Sequoia.

It's all over the sink
and the towels and the walls.

It's like you executed
a family of chocolate bunnies
in there!

I must have forgotten to rinse.
But it was confusing.

I couldn't figure out
how to use the applicator,

then the mix splattered,
and the gloves wouldn't fit,
and...

you may want to buy
a new toothbrush.

Lemme tell you something.
Solitaire sucks, man.

I mean,
I keep cheating and cheating,

and I still don't win.

I wanna go back to Phillipe.

Well, I think
we both want that.

And you can get
your video game
back from Russell.

I doubt
he'll sell it back to me.

You might have to show
Cousin Larry some side-boob.

I'm gonna go shower.

Hold on. If I am
going back to Phillipe

and you're
getting your game back,

we're not sacrificing
anything.

We sacrificed plenty--
the towels, the shower curtain,

possibly the vision
in my right eye.

I thought
we were gonna work together
like a grown-up couple.

We still can. I mean,
there's other sacrifices
we can make.

- Like what?
- Like walking more,
taking fewer cabs.

And we could go to
museums and the park
instead of movies and concerts.

It's not gonna be easy,
but we're in it together, right?

- Give me a kiss.
- Ooh-- careful.
Caustic chemicals.

You know what else
I just thought of
that's fun, and it's free?

Oooh.
That's a sacrifice
I'm willing to make.

Are you willing
to make it right now?

Ah--I--I--
I need, like, a half an hour.

I just sacrificed
a few minutes ago.

Solitaire was really boring.

- Well, tonight was fun.
- Yeah, it was.

Next time don't let me
eat so much. I feel sick.

Of course you do.

Hey, I'm sorry
I didn't get excited
about your promotion.

I really am excited,

and I promise
I'll be thrilled
for the next one.

Oh, look, it's game highlights.
Maybe we'll see us.

Nah, you almost never--
whoa!

Who is that handsome devil?

Well, pause it!

You said I looked cute
in that outfit.

It's just paused funny.

Oh, I look terrible.

No, you don't.

Spike Lee was wearing
the same thing,
and he's adorable.

The shirt is way too big.

It looks like I'm being
fumigated for termites.

[CHUCKLING]
That's a good one.

Because it's not true.

Come on, Russell,
you've been playing
with that game all night.

- Come on.
- No, no, no, no!

Fine. I'll put
my clothes back on.

You'd rather
play with that game
than me.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Take it, take it.
I don't want it.

[♪♪♪♪♪♪]