Ruby Speaking (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 5 - Episode #1.5 - full transcript

♪ Gonna take a walk of shame

♪ Baby I don't feel no blame. ♪

Jesus! Morning!

SHE CHUCKLES

So, here's the thing, babes.
Mm?

Here's what we're not gonna do.

We're not gonna do the whole,

"Ooh, I just slept with a minger"
routine,

cos I'm not, you're not
and we haven't.

What are you on about?

Secondly, we're not gonna be all shy
and weird



and "Ooh, where did I put my pants",
about it either.

Hang on. Where did I put my pants?

On the shelf. Ah.

And lastly, we're gonna be doing
no walks of shame,

cos this was a one-time thing
between two adults

and I'm ashamed of nothing.
HE CHUCKLES

Any questions?
Yeah, one.

Go on.
If this is a one-time thing...

Which it was.
It is, yeah, yeah, yeah.

Does this still
count as the one time?

Mm. Are you after
another cheeky shag?

Absolutely.

Er, no chance.
Ah!

It's Cameron's last day.
So he says.



And I've got
choir business to attend to,

so, pop your pants on
like a good boy

and I'll buy you a sausage roll
on your way in.

Worth a try.

♪ I already been that girl
I already been that girl

♪ Get the cash, get the money
Better spend that, girl

♪ If you bad and you know it
Better show out, girl

♪ I already been that girl
I already been that girl

♪ Get the cash get the money
Better spend that, girl

♪ If you bad and you know it
Better show out, girl. ♪

SHE LAUGHS

Hold that for me.

I'm just gonna pop summat in
for a friend.

Oh, what are you doing?

Yes? Oh, I just... Sorry,
just dropping in a leaflet for you.

I know you. No, you don't.
Yeah! No.

You bring all them leaflets,
the-the arts group,

the walking club, the barn dance.

Went to that, it was shit.

Sorry about that.
Ruby, hurry up!

All right.

Ruby? Sorry!
What's got into you?

Don't wanna be late for work.
Where's my sausage roll? Ah!

What, I thought you were finished
with it!

HE LAUGHS

Why do you look so sad?
Oh, erm...

...it's just Cameron's last day, innit?

I'm just, like,
well gutted and that.

I writ him a... some rhymes,

but I might just WhatsApp them
to him instead.

Why are we hiding?
Shhh!

Donna's got an air fryer.

Don't get me wrong,
air fryers are dope,

but man can't take any more
recipe suggestions.

Don't you think
you might be overreacting?

You was not there
when she got the bread machine.

Four people resigned that week.

I can't afford to lose you
and Cameron, can I?

Ah.

Ooh.

I read your rap for Cameron. You
were not meant to see that, Melons.

Out of order, out of order!
It's really good.

Oh, thank you, I really appreciate
that feedback, as it happens.

You're welcome.

Just let them have their fun.

We'll just own it
and we'll rise above it.

Yeah, like adults.

Exactly, like adults.

I just wish it was us in there,
you know?

Taking the piss out of us.
I know, we'd be dead funny.

Dead funny, right?
Hm.

Mm, what was that?

A pube or summat like that.

Ready?
Mm-hm.

Ah, Ruby, Tom, there you are.

Wait for it. Come and meet
our new starter, Pippa.

Hiya, Pippa.
I wasn't saying, "Hiya, Pippa"

as if I thought
you were called Pippa

because that would be so weird!

So you must be the new Cameron.

Sorry?

Oh, yes, right, I am,
fingers crossed.

Well, not fingers crossed because
I've already got the job, but yeah.

Yay. I'm the new Cameron!

Make sure you wear
a minging fleece every day, then.

It's not minging,
it's really expensive.

He's winding you up, Cameron.

I know, I just thought he might not
be such a prick on my last day.

Oh, you thought wrong, then,
didn't you,

cos I'm a prick every single day.

I don't even take Christmas off.
Mm, and you wonder why I'm leaving.

Why are you leaving?
I'm actually a law student.

Oh!

So, yeah, this was
never meant to be permanent.

Oh, I thought you were leaving to
get your fleece surgically removed.

All right, all right, back to work,
callers waiting. Thank you.

Er, where should I sit, Mark?

Erm... Tell you what, Melons,
you know the ropes now, don't you?

Would you mind going and sitting
on that desk over there

for a bit, please? Thanks.

Er. Pippa, come over.
Thanks, Melons.

If you just, er, park yourself here,

I'll just set you up on the old, er,
system-er-ooni, OK, mate?

Yay, I get to sit by you.

Is this my headset, then?
Awesome, I love this.

Get it on, girl, and then
let's channel your inner Britney.

PIPPA CLEARS
HER THROAT

SHE VOCALISES

Oh, my God, did you hear her voice?

You know we have a choir here,
don't you?

No way! Can I join?
You're in.

A caller waiting. This is so cool,
my first real life customer!

Hellocom, keeping you connected.

This is Pippa speaking,
how may I help you?

I love her.

Er, can I just get your name
and birth date, please?

Yeah, just one second,
I'll just get her for you, one sec.

I've got Clinton on the line
asking for you.

Tell him I'm not in.
Really? Clinton?

You always talk to Clinton.
I'm a bit tired.

I didn't sleep very well last night.

Do you want a cup of tea, Ruby?

Can this girl get any more perfect?

I made some cookies
this morning, too.

You're an angel,
you're an actual angel.

Oh, shut up!

Er, yeah, she'll give you a call
back later. Yeah, she's a bit busy.

Would you like one, Melons?
No.

Ooh. Someone's got the hump!

What, are you jealous you're not
the new girl any more? No.

I'm just not keen on her.
You don't even know her yet.

I do, she was on my bus
this morning. And?

And when she got off, she said
really loudly, "Cheers, drive."

So?
I hate that.

That's life, isn't it, and no-one
really wants to go through it,

but at some point
you're gonna have to.

And I guess, well,
because I am a uni student,

inevitably I'm gonna have to go back
to uni... Babes, babes.

Do you know what I love... BEEP

Ooh, crikey! ..what I love is
when people just say what they want.

Right, yeah, yeah, sure.
Well, today's my last day

and you asked me to hand
in my resignation letter, so...

There you go.

And thanks again.
They're a really great team.

Even Tom, who can be a massive twat,
but I'm really gonna miss him.

Touching.

Well, go finish your shift,
give your keyboard a wipe

and don't leave any perishables
in your drawers, OK?

Oh, and, babes, best of luck,

cos it's a clusterfuck out there
right now.

Thanks.

Go get 'em, Chris!

Oi, Cameron,
why don't you bake us cookies?

Because, Tom, when I go home I do
like six hours studying every night

so I don't have time
to make you cookies.

Pippa's taking a while
with that tea.

She's talking to Donna
in the kitchenette.

You do know
Donna has a new air fryer, right?

I done sausages in it.

I done patatas bravas in it,
I done pizza in it.

Pizzas were a bit shit, like,
to be fair. Were they? Right.

My oven's just an expensive,
dirty cupboard these days.

Ah, you ever peeled potatoes. Pippa?
Yeah, sometimes, yeah.

You're in for a treat.

You just pops your peelings in the
air fryer, and before you knows it,

you've got yourself a delicious
snack, see, from peelings!

No way.

And don't even start me
on fish fingers!

Do you eat fish fingers much, Pippa?

What are we gonna do?
We can't just leave her in there.

Do you remember
when Donna bought the NutriBullet?

We lost Narinder and Bev that week.
Still miss Narinder.

Yeah, Bev not so much.
Did us a favour with Bev.

Mm.
Here she comes.

Everything all right, mate?

Yeah, brilliant.
Just chatted to Donna.

How was that for you?

She's lovely!

Er, Mark, I'm so sorry,
I think I left my phone in my car.

Do you mind if I go and grab it?
Yeah, of course. No worries, man.

Thanks. I'll be back in a sec.

"No worries, man"?

You never let us do stuff like that.

Look at you being all chill
with the new girl!

Oh, shut up, you two.

Hang on, did she say she was
gonna get her phone from her car?

Yeah, why? I thought you said...

She came on the bus.

Damn it, we've got a runner.
Call reception.

Call Craig, he'll stop her.
There's no time for that.

Oh, pick up the phone, Craig,
pick up the goddamn phone.

RINGING

I need her here
for ChoirFest South West!

Craig, come on, come on, come on.
What is he doing?

Craig!
I don't know, it's just ringing.

RINGING

FOOTSTEPS

Hello, Hellocom, Melons speaking,
how can I help you?

Donna, man, every time!
In many ways, I blame myself.

Cos it's your fault. What?
No! Well, yeah, yeah, probably.

I shouldn't have let her go,
should I? We tried to warn you.

All right, I know! I'll never
pretend to be laid back again.

Does this mean I get my desk back?

No, you can't. I mean, yeah, yeah.
Go on.

All right, I know, you were right,
no need to keep going on about it.

I'd better go and tell Vicki.
What's wrong with us?

It's not our fault! Ruby, she was
here for less than a morning.

She literally ran from the building.
And you're leaving us, too.

Yeah, I know, today.
Back to student life!

Well, at least judging by that
fleece you don't mind being skint.

Doesn't matter, he'll be minted
now he's a lawyer.

Exactly, and it only takes 20-25
years to pay off a student loan.

25 years!

My mum's uncle got less than that
for nicking a cashpoint with a JCB!

Think of all them cheapo
student nights down at the Thekla.

Yeah, and the student union,

where they make you drink from
a plastic funnel until you vomit!

Student wankers!

Or you could always stay here
with us. Oh, God, no.

Who in their right mind would choose
to stay here? No offence.

So much taken!

Yeah, er, so, I-I guess she just
realised it wasn't the right job

for her, really, which is,
you know, yeah, it's a shame.

Do you know what Susan here's
just realised?

Nothing.
Cos I've just switched her on.

Then look, off again.

She'll definitely be in tomorrow
and the day after.

She won't get pregnant,
the cat won't die

and she's not gonna catch
the winter vomiting bug.

Do you see where I'm going with
this, Marko? Seems pretty clear.

Yeah, so, as of next week,
we won't be recruiting

any new members of staff
for training, OK?

The Susans will step into
the vacant positions immediately.

But haven't head office
seen the customer feedback report?

It feels a bit rushed.

Oh, no, is this gonna be a problem?

Because I suppose
I can always ring head office

and tell them that
you're having trouble

keeping members of staff
if you'd rather!

No, no, it's not a problem.

Thank goodness. We don't want
one of those vacant positions

to be yours yet, do we, Marko?

Ah, look at that, 12K. Come on!

Come on, Vicki!

Oh, Jesus Christ!

I'm just gonna say what
I said to Dominic when we first met.

I want you.

Easy, tiger! I know I give off
a vibe, but steady yourself.

Not like that. I'm vigorously
heterosexual as it happens.

But I want you upstairs with me
on the windows. Oh!

I'm very flattered, but I...

Interviews for senior sales rep -
9:00am Monday.

I'll need to ask my team leader.

What?!
How are you not already team leader?

Ruby, you're wasted in there.
These are your most valuable days.

Really?

Do you not follow Davina on Twitter?
No.

The three horsemen
are the perimenopause

are charging towards you
as we speak.

Bloody hell!

Can you hear them?

Heavy hooves.

Don't waste your life
being under-appreciated, Ruby. Oh.

OK, great, that's all done for you.

Perfect.

Is there anything else I can help
you with today, then, sir? No?

Well, thank you
so much for calling Hellocom

and enjoy the rest of your day.

Cameron's last call, everybody!

CHEERING

Here we go.
Oh, thank you.

Er, Craig has something for you.

You can do it. Erm...

CLEARS HIS THROAT

Good-Goodbye, Cam
Two words that broke my heart

But to see my brother leaving
Well, it's tearing me apart

You were my H and I was your RD
Bonnie, Clyde, Laurel, Hardy

RUBY SINGS

I say goodbye
But I know I'll see you around

Acting all posh with the legal crowd

Cranks bows to the King of Hellocom

Goodbye, Cameron
Don't be gone so long.

Yeah!

Wow! Yes, that was fantastic.
I don't know what to say.

You've all been so kind and amazing,
and, to be honest,

I don't wanna leave.
Oh! Oh!

No, seriously.
I don't wanna go back to uni.

I'm staying.

You massive bellend!
I knew you weren't going anywhere.

Let's get a cup of tea!

Are you sure about this, Cameron?
It's a big decision.

Yeah, I just think I need
a bit more time here, if that's OK?

Of course it is!

Thanks.
Sorry.

I knew he wouldn't do it.

I told you, didn't I?
When did you tell me?

This morning.
No, you never!

Yes, I did.

When we were all snuggled all naked
under your nan's patchwork quilt.

That's not a patchwork quilt.

Sorry, am I interrupting something?
No, no. No.

We were just talking about Cameron.

Yeah, cool, for a second
I thought you two were...

Ah, now you come to mention...
God, no.

Not us. No chance.
In his dreams, more like.

Yeah, cool. I just came in to see

if there were any of
Pippa's cookies left.

No, I... I ate them all.

Oh, yeah, yeah, cool. Yeah.
Well, no worries, mate.

Well, they were tasty. Yeah.

Hark at me, eh? So much for being
all grown up and owning it.

Yeah.

Shit!

Guess who's in with Vicki?

I don't know, Wizard of Oz,
Katie Malliwell, your mum?

No, my mum's at home. It's Clinton.

Yeah, Craig said
he came to reception

and asked to speak to someone
from management.

What do you think he wants?

Ruby, a word in my office, please.

Oh, do you want me to wait for you?

No, no, don't worry, I'm sure
it's nothing. You go on without me.

Hey, Craig.
Oh, erm, are you all right?

Yeah.
Oh, my God, Mel, split.

No, I'm not going anywhere.

Guess what I'm having for me tea?

And guess how long
it's gonna take me to cook it?

Phone, now!

Why's that, then?
Just do it! Hand it over!

There are millions of people
who would love to hear about you

and your air fryer.

Not one of them works here.
No way. That's genius.

She's setting you up
a TikTok account.

Find your people, Donna. Yeah.

Oh. Nice one, Melons. Thanks.

That... was... lit!

I know.

Let's go!

Shut that door.

I was on for 25K today, Rubes.

Would have been my personal best,
but I'm so shocked,

I had to stop my peddling.

All right.

What was you thinking?

I don't know.

You took the personal details
of one of our customers,

abused the trust
between operative and client,

and popped to his house
with Turkish Delight!

I'm sorry, I-I-I... Was he upset?
I didn't mean to upset him.

Honest. It is a violation
of the Data Protection Act, Ruby.

You are lucky
he didn't call the police!

I don't know, I was just trying
to help him, I didn't mean any harm.

Well, you've left me no choice.

I am going to have to
report this to head office.

Now go home, and we'll talk about it
again on Monday.

I only meant to help him.

Right.

Well, you got that wrong,
didn't you?

SIGHS

Everything all right?
I don't know. No.

I think I've really
messed things up, Cameron.

If only I knew a good lawyer, hey?
You absolute bellend.

Yeah, sorry about that.

You sure you want to
stay on here, mate?

I just can't do it, Ruby,
and I know it sounds mad

and I've probably got
Stockholm Syndrome or something,

but I just don't wanna leave.

I don't wanna leave, either.

Come on. Yeah.

♪ Lost in memories

♪ Lost in all the sheets
And old pillows... ♪

I used to throw away peelings.
Not any more.

Peeling, so you come...
air fry it.

Delicious, nutritious snack.

Mmm. From peelings.

Are we still running?

♪ Day to night to morning
Keep with me in the moment

♪ I'd let you had I known it
Why don't you say so?

♪ Didn't even notice
No punches left to roll with

♪ You got to keep me focused
You want it? Say so

♪ Let me check my chest, my breath
Right quick

♪ He ain't ever seen it
In a dress like this

♪ He ain't ever even been
Impressed like this

♪ Prolly why I got him quiet
On the set like zip

♪ Like it, love it, need it bad... ♪