Ruby Speaking (2023–…): Season 1, Episode 3 - Episode #1.3 - full transcript

Hellocom keeping you connected,
Donna speaking.

Right, is it mobile or broadband
or television?

We are Hellocom.

MAN LAUGHS
What seems to be the trouble?

It's good!

ENGAGED TONE Right.

Of course I can.
Let me check that for you.

Won't take a second.

Honestly, it's no problem.

ENGAGED TONE,
SHE CHUCKLES

Hey! I knew it.
She's sitting on a hanger.



Boom! You got caught
sitting on a hanger! Busted!

I wasn't. He was right there.
And you just cut him off.

Face it, Ruby, you were skiving
and you got caught. End of.

Prove it. You've got nothing on me.

Oh, please!
I've got a whole ring binder on you,

and not even one of the narrow ones,
it's the big one.

Really?

It's not a compliment, Ruby!

And put your phone away.

Yes, sir. Sorry, sir.
It's on silent, sir.

RINGING TONE
Ruby! Shit!

OK, OK, I'm doing it now.
RINGING CONTINUES

Oh, piss off!

I can't believe you got busted.



You're such a dickhead.

Oh, shut up, Tom.

Oh! Take the hint, Matt.

♪ Dip, baby, dip
Dip, baby, dip

♪ Dip, baby, dip

♪ If you can't shake, then
If you can't shake, then

♪ Dip, baby, dip

♪ Dip, baby, dip
If you can't shake, if you can't

♪ If you can't shake
Uh-uh. ♪

HIP-HOP MUSIC BLARES

OK. I need intel.
Who was that?

Who was who?
The man.

Literally the man
that just walked up the stairs.

Blue coat, sparkly eyes,
the promise of future happiness.

Oh, I can't tell you that.
Security guards' confidentiality.

Sorry, that's not thing, and
I would know because I'm training...

..to be a lawyer.
Yes, we know, bruv.

You should know all about the
Data Protection Act, then, innit?

Fine.

I guess I'll just have to steal
the big book.

Out of order. You cannot be
taking liberties like that!

Min Jun. New recruit
working at Western Windows.

Cameron, give it back! Seriously.

We'll be getting the bus together
every day.

We'll be working in the same
building together every day.

Shit.

Well, well.
Who is this young hipster

with her funky Norwegian backpack?

It's me, Melons.
I know it's you, Melons,

I was sort of pointing out
your cool bag.

I got it for my birthday.
Ooh! Which is when, please, madam?

Now. Today.

No way!

We need to celebrate. Let's go
to The Old Duke on King Street.

Oh, I can't, I'm busy.

Out with your mates, is it?

No, choir practice with you.

Screw that,
you need to hit the town.

I don't want to hit the town.
RUBY SCOFFS

Fair enough.

Your choice.
Well, we've got to do something.

Well, there is one thing
I'd quite like to do. Go on.

Go to choir practice.

Ach! Seriously?

Well, that doesn't mean
we can't celebrate. Donna!

Donna!

It's Mel's birthday, innit?

Er, no.

No, no, hang on.

Sorry, babes, according to Facebook,
your birthday is not till next week.

I put the wrong date on Facebook.
Why?

Well, my ma says that
posting your date of birth online

is like leaving your front door open
with your car keys on the hall table

and a sign in the window that says,

"I keep my passport
in my knicker drawer."

Oh, and, Tom, don't have
your password as your pet's name.

It's not.
Followed by your date of birth.

Shit. How did she know that?

Oh, here he is,
Marko the Muscles, eh?

Where do you want these?

Just pop 'em down there.

SHE CLEARS THROAT

Erm, listen up, chickens.

Head office are rolling out
the new Friends And Family campaign,

and they've got you
a little something.

Show 'em, Marko.

Erm, has Mark shrunk,
or is that mug too big?

THEY LAUGH

It's family-sized! Get it?

Ha!

Oh, well,
I'll be taking mine home tonight

and putting a four-pack of gin in it

cos I've got
a Zoom parents' evening.

Do you know I'm saying, ladies?

Basically, today we need you
to push hard

on the Friends And Family numbers,
OK?

So whatever people call in for,

make sure we get their F&F lists
updated, all right?

Yeah. That's right.

And, erm, as a special treat,
you can update your own lists

and get 7% off those calls.

Whoo!
Yes, that's right!

How many names are we allowed?
Ten of your closest F&Fs, babes.

Only ten? That's gonna be tricky.

Hey, Ruby, you wanna borrow
some of mine?

Oh, now, then,
let's get back to work, chickens,

cos if you lot don't sell-sell-sell,

head office are gonna think
I'm a right mug.

I'm not high-fiving that.
OK. Fair enough, Donna.

MOBILE BUZZES

Ooh, go away. Ach...

Thanks for waiting. I've just
had a little look at the system,

and that shouldn't be a problem
at all.

Big news.

Bloody love big news.

My commute crush is in the building
as we speak.

Ooh! Bus boy or a train man?
Oh, no, bus boy.

Yuppie's working upstairs
in Western Windows,

so, you know, everything's ruined.

Cameron, you've been
smiling at each other for months.

Just speak to him.

I can't.

If you don't, I will.

You wouldn't dare.

You reckon?

You'd better hope
bus boy ain't a pansexual, baby.

Can I put you back on hold?
Two seconds.

What?

SHE CHUCKLES
What?

Tom, you have my attention.

What do you want?

Do you fancy a brew?

Oh, I do, actually.

Here, are we using these?

HE GIGGLES
No. Absolutely not.

Anyone else?

I'll have one.
Yeah, me, please.

Me too, milk and two sugars,
thanks, Ruby!

Actually, I would like one.

I'll have a loose-leaf Assam,
thanks, Ruby.

Hang on a second, you just asked me
if I wanted one.

Sorry, I'm on a call.

Hello, Hellocom, Tom speaking.

How can I massively optimise
your day today, madam?

Piss-taker.

Donna, I've got a birthday card
for Mel.

Chip in for a gift.
Whatever you can manage.

Donna.

That's a button.

Don't really know Melons.

What, so you thought, "I'll just
give her a button instead"?

Does sound churlish
when you put it like that.

Thanks.

Hey, babe.
Oh, my... Mark!

This is getting a lot, Mark.
What is?

Mark, if I cannot text a friend,

who just happens to be
a really fit guy, without you...

You're quite literally...
you're spying on me.

...then I think we need to talk.

I was just asking
everyone to sign Mel's card.

Yeah, OK.

This, Mark, this is a lot.

I can't believe
you're making me do this.

Which one is he, then?

Back table on the left, blue shirt,
mesmerising brown eyes.

Are you checking
L on your hand for left?

I am, and I will not be judged.
Too late.

Subtle!

He's hot.
Mm-hm.

He's looking at you.
What?

He's really looking at you,
give him a wave.

No, I'm not waving.
I will. All right, mate?

Stop, stop moving.

Why?

A hot bloke, he's really into you,
you're clearly really into him.

♪ I don't see what the problem is. ♪

Because, Ruby,
it'll ruin everything.

Our whole morning routine of,
"Smile, don't smile, look up.

"Oh, God, he's looking up,
look away."

That has got me up and out of bed
every morning

for the last six months.

Yes, and now it could get you
into bed, Cameron.

What if he's not as great
as I imagine?

What if he has a voice
like David Beckham?

Urgh, horrific. Yeah.
MOBILE BUZZES

Awful.

Well, you could pick your phone up
and find out.

What?

BUZZING CONTINUES

Why would he have my number?

I haven't the foggiest.

Ruby!

Pick up the phone
and ask him for a drink after work.

BUZZING CONTINUES

BUZZING STOPS

Hi. Hi.

Really good voice.

Mm-hm, great.

Donna.
Yup?

HE MOUTHS

BEEPING

Good afternoon. Hellocom keeping you
connected, Ruby speaking.

It's Clinton. Can you hear me?

Loud and clear, Clinton.

There's something wrong
with the phone line.

OK, let me check it for you.

Oh, I'm not here,
just ignore me.

Right, erm, do you mind if I just
put you on hold for a second?

'OK.'
RUBY CLEARS THROAT

Hi, er, is there something
you need, Vicki?

Just seeing how you're getting on
with the Friends And Family stuff.

Right, erm, only, can we do it
on another call?

Ooh, there's an idea.

No, we can't.

Look, I don't want to do this
for Clinton, his wife just died.

Oh, no, that is so sad.

But it doesn't change nothing.

Friends And Family. Good girl.

Erm, why do you think
there's an issue with your line?

VICKI TUTS

My daughter hasn't called in weeks.

Friends And Family!

RUBY SIGHS

Maybe we could add her
to your Friends And Family list,

and that way, you'll get a fabulous
7% discount on your calls. Yeah!

OK.

Yes! Yes, you did it and it just
wasn't that hard, was it, Rubes?

Grr!

Great, and, er, let me
get our technical department

to take a look at the issue
on the line.

'Thanks, Ruby. She definitely
wouldn't have left it that long.'

LINE CLICKS Bye.

And that's all
up and running again.

And is that for both boxes,
or just the one?

Ionie... why haven't you
called your dad, then?

RINGING TONE

Yes?
Is that Ionie Barker?

Who is this?

I'm calling from Hellocom

to see if you might be interested
in our Friends And Family.

I have that. Right.

Did you know that numbers
could fall off the list

if you don't use them enough?

I don't have time for this now.

I could swap the number
listed as "Dad"

for one of your more regular calls
like, hm, "Pepe's Pizzeria".

You call them loads.
No, of course not.

Only, you haven't called your dad
for three weeks, so you really...

IONIE HANGS UP
Shit!

Whoa, whoa, whoa, no, you don't.
No, you don't miss the tea.

Ah, hey-hey!
You do this every time.

You suggest tea, and then you have
someone else make it for you.

Bollocks, do I. No, you do.
All the time actually.

So from now on, you're gonna make
everyone tea. Make me.

Argh!
Right, I will.

Ha-ha!

TOM LAUGHS

What you doin', you daft bint?!

Hey! Someone, quick!

RUBY LAUGHS
I've been kidnapped!

Argh! Ha-ha!

There, and you're not coming out
until you've made us all tea.

Ooh, so I'm like a hostage,

and you're my sexy,
domineering prison guard.

Urgh! Tom, just make
the fucking tea!

Where do you want to slap me?
To-o-om!

All right, I'm going.

SHE SIGHS
Where's this kettle?

Have a chill.

PASS BLEEPS
Er, your birthday, is it?

Yeah.
I got you these, innit.

Thanks.

You could come to choir practice
tonight, if you wanted.

Oh, nah, I've got
badminton tonight with my mum.

Oh, you have to play
in doubles, see,

and she gets,
like, well shy and that.

That's nice.

Not that she's shy,
that you go with her.

Yeah, I've got bare badminton skills
as well now.

D'you know what I mean?

Like, like, "Hey! Whoa!"

And shuttlecocks and that.

And, like...

Maybe another birthday, then.

Like, one of them!

You know what I mean?
OK.

Mark, Mark. Mark-Mark-Mark-Mark,

can you call Clinton back
for me, please?

I thought you loved talking to him.

Oh, I can't face telling him there
isn't a problem with his phone line.

Well, that's a good thing, isn't it?
Not for him it won't be.

Urgh. Urgh.

What did you do?

Oh, that is it,
Tom is never making the tea again.

Ha-ha, gutted.
Don't you like it?

No, no-no-no, you made it
badly on purpose!

Oh. Oh, my God.

Argh! Damn you, Tom,
this isn't over.

Here you go.

Don't ask how I got it,

just know I never really enjoyed
the role of godmother anyways.

Get in, Donna!
You're welcome, Ruby.

THEY LAUGH
What's going on?

Ooh! If Melons can't go
to the party,

then the party must come to Melons!

So sit down and strap in,
cos we are about to unleash...

The birthday protocol!

THEY CHEER

'Gangnam Style'
by PSY

I know it's not
pints at The Old Duke,

but we can still have fun.

Why?
Cos it's your birthday.

I know, I told you that.

So...

are you and Min Jun getting married?

I'm not playing.

You're not really cross, are you?
Yes, I am, actually, as it happens.

Oh.
You went too far, Ruby.

I was just giving you a little nudge
in the right direction.

But I didn't ask you to.

Are you worried he's not gonna come.
Oh, just stop.

You should spend more time
sorting out your own life

instead of trying to sort out
everyone else's.

My life is sorted.
Yeah (!) Right.

He is here.

Yes, I can see that.

How do I look?
Gorgeous.

Thanks. Still cross!
Understood.

Hey.
Hi, how you doing?

Good.
Good to see you.

MAN LAUGHS
IN BACKGROUND

'Maneater'
by Nelly Furtado

RUBY CLEARS THROAT

Mark, do the honours.

Oh.
HE CLEARS THROAT

FEEDBACK ECHOES
Hello. Hi.

Er, so, Melons,
now, you've not been with us long,

but you put in a solid effort
every single day.

Now, you know how to make a sale,
and, er, more importantly,

you never just "phone" it in.

MAN CLEARS THROAT

So, from all of us
at Hellocom to you...

..Happy birthday!

CHEERING

'When Will I Be Famous?'

You might be very attractive,

but you are absolutely terrible
at giving speeches.

Aw. Thanks, do you think so?

You only heard the "attractive" bit,
didn't you? Yeah. Yeah, I did.

I don't know what to say.

Well, don't say anything, let's just
karaoke the shit out of it.

I'm not doing that, ever! OK?

Well, if you insist.

MIC FEEDBACK ECHOES

Mum's got a migraine.

I'm so pleased.

Er, not that she's got a migraine,
that you're here. Yeah, I know.

♪ Yes, you are

♪ You've read Karl Marx
And you've taught yourself to dance

♪ You're the best by far

♪ But you keep asking
The question... ♪

CHEERING

'Every Breath You Take'

Wow, you can really sing.

Well, there's a lot you don't know
about me, Mark. I bet.

Why are you wasting
your talent here?

Oh, it's all right here, innit?
Pays the bills, nearly.

Nearly.

But all the same,
you've got a beautiful voice, Ruby.

Thanks.

Hey, hey, how are you doing?

I was, I was just telling, er,
Ruby she's got a great voice.

Oh, that's really cool.

Erm, can I speak to you
for five minutes?

Yeah, yeah, sure.

Just...

Are you OK?
Yeah, yeah-yeah-yeah.

Erm, I get it, Mark.

This is you
trying to get back at me.

This is you
trying to make me jealous.

Jealous about what?

As if I think
that you would drop me for...

RUBY SLURPS DRINK
You know?

Enough head games, Mark, right?

You win.

It's really, really hot.

Is it?

Yeah, it really is.
So get your coat, and let's go.

Actually, I think
I'm gonna stay for a bit.

Here?
Yeah.

Bit weird.

You should stay too.
No, no-no-no.

Erm... OK, so I guess
I'll see you tomorrow.

OK, yeah, see you tomorrow.
OK, OK.

HE CHUCKLES

Jelly?
Yes.

Yes, massive jell!

'Young Hearts Run Free'

♪ What's the sense in sharing
This one and only life

♪ Endin' up just another
Lost and lonely wife... ♪

RUBY LAUGHS

Are you still in a funk with me?
A justified funk.

A justified funk,
but are you, though? Yes.

However, I am willing to let it go,

but only to fill you in
on developments.

Yes! I bloody love developments.

OK. Me and Min Jun,
never gonna work.

Oh, no, but he's so hot. Why?

Media studies student.

Urgh.
Mm.

In the Venn diagram of all
of our possible conversations,

there is nothing.

Stop it!

What, I don't know what you mean.

It's just a text.

What if he needs me?

No, not your job any more, Ruby,
you dumped him, remember?

But he keeps calling me.

No-one else does.

Not a lot of people in my life
these days, Cameron.

Ruby, look around,
of course you have.

Matt wasn't right for you.

Like Min Jun?
Exactly.

We have to start making
informed decisions

about the people we want
in our lives.

It's a shame, I thought you
were gonna get a shag tonight.

Oh, babes, I am. I'm not that fussy.

Don't call him, OK?

OK.

♪ Who wants to live in
In trouble and strife?

♪ My mind must be free
To learn all I can about me. ♪

Oh! This has been
the best birthday party ever!

Ever, ever, ever!

You need to go
to more parties, babes.

Hm.

SHE CHUCKLES

Hey.

If you want me to make you a brew,
then you can jog on, mate.

No. I'm just much, much better
at making coffee, that's all.

SHE SNORTS

Bedminster's number one barista,
they call me. Is that right?

Come back to mine and I'll show you.

SHE CHUCKLES

Are you asking me back
to yours for a coffee?

You're pissed, mate.

Yeah. So?

Maybe another time.
HE SIGHS

It's a bit soon, you know?

Suit yourself.

It might be a one-time offer though.
That is a chance I'll have to take.

HE CLEARS THROAT

SHE CHUCKLES

RINGING TONE

Hello, Clinton.
Sorry it's a bit late.

It's Ruby speaking.

I've got
your line test results back.

And you fixed it for me.

She called.
I'm so glad to hear it.

Well, while I'm here,
is there anyone else

you want to add
to your Friends And Family list?

You can add up to nine other names.
It's OK.

It's quality, not quantity,
that counts.

Too right, Clinton, mate.

Except for crisps.

And roast potatoes.

Ha! Yeah, you can't have too many
of them bad boys, can you?

Good night.

Thanks, Ruby.

'We Could Run'
by Beth Ditto

♪ On television

♪ Kings and queens

♪ Live the lives of people's dreams

♪ You and I are human beings... ♪

Hey, Mum, sorry I missed your calls.

Yeah. I'm all right, actually.

♪ You could call this
A great mistake. ♪

'Young Hearts Run Free'

# What's the sense in sharing
This one and only life

♪ Ending up just another
Lost and lonely wife

# You'll count up the years
And they will be filled with tears

♪ Mm-mm. ♪